- 1 day ago
First broadcast 22nd October 2004.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jeremy Hardy
Barry Cryer
Jeremy Clarkson
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jeremy Hardy
Barry Cryer
Jeremy Clarkson
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello and welcome to QI, the show that refreshes the parts other shows don't even have
00:07names for.
00:07Tonight, I'm glad to say we've got names for four parts already.
00:11They are Barry Cryle, Jeremy Hardy, Jeremy Clarkson and Adam Davies.
00:20The rules are sensible, the questions are indispensable, the panel is incomprehensible and the scoring is completely indefensible.
00:28Let's get started. Jeremy goes, and Barry goes, and Jeremy C goes, he's got mine.
00:48And Alan goes,
00:58Hello. Good. So, first, some questions.
01:00They're all car-related, aren't they?
01:02They seem to be. They're a fiend. They're well picked up.
01:06So, first, some questions about Britain. Which British profession is down to its last 15 people?
01:13Fifteen.
01:14Fifteen practitioners.
01:16Jeremy, how?
01:17Um, bear-baiting referees.
01:19Not bear, no. Well, let's hope there are none of those.
01:22Are there any bears in Britain, then?
01:24In zoos only, I believe.
01:26Do you remember Hercules, the bear? Do you remember? He was a TV star.
01:30He mauled a television presenter.
01:32And he's here tonight.
01:39I remember Jeremy. There was a Jeremy, a big two Jeremy's here.
01:41Jeremy, who was the sugar puff bear.
01:44You don't meet many American Jeremy's, do you? Have you ever met American Jeremy?
01:47No, it's too complicated. There's three syllables.
01:55Is it people who make windmills?
01:57No, it's a, it's a...
01:59There are fifteen adult practitioners.
02:00Fifteen registered professionals. I suspect there are many more amateurs.
02:03Teachers.
02:06Town criers.
02:08Town criers, no.
02:09Though the voice does come into this.
02:11The voice comes into this.
02:12I was going to say commode services, but...
02:15Who? The voice.
02:16The voice.
02:17There used to be lots more of them.
02:18They use their voice professionally.
02:19There used to be 400 or so, about, in the 1950s.
02:22In the town criers?
02:23Their name means stomach talker.
02:26Ventriloquist.
02:27Ventriloquist is the right answer.
02:29Well, they used to say stomach.
02:33There are now only fifteen ventriloquists.
02:38And Keith Harris, so I suppose that's sixteen.
02:40There are only fifteen professional ventriloquists left in Britain.
02:43Did you know any?
02:44Who fell off the wood?
02:45I saw, er, a topless vent, recently.
02:49Hang on.
02:50Never saw a lips move.
02:51Puff it or the axe.
02:53Who was the one, though, was it the radio one, who, who was hopeless?
02:57Peter Brough.
02:57Peter Brough.
02:58He was wonderful.
02:59But his lips moved all the time.
03:01Yes.
03:01He was on the radio season.
03:02I know, but he did do stage performance.
03:04The point is, he, he, he became...
03:06Unless he stood right at the back of the stage.
03:07No, he became so popular, he, he, it all went to his head.
03:10It was based on him.
03:10And he went on the stage and just spoke like this.
03:13You know, you could see his lips move.
03:14Beryl Reid was in, educating Archie this show.
03:18And, er, Peter was a nice man.
03:20He got very self-conscious about his lack of skill.
03:23And he said, Beryl, do you ever see my lips moving?
03:26And she said, only when the doll's talking.
03:32Ken Campbell, there's a show about it, doesn't he?
03:34Yes.
03:35A whole show about ventriloquism.
03:37Yeah.
03:37Which he reckons is one of the oldest arts ever.
03:40How do they know it's one of the oldest jobs in the world?
03:44Supposedly prostitution, of course, is the oldest.
03:46How do they know that?
03:47Well, quite.
03:48It's just, that's it's subric, isn't it?
03:49The oldest profession.
03:50I never, yeah.
03:51Yeah.
03:52You never know how they know.
03:53There was a time when there were only prostitutes and ventriloquists.
04:00Everyone else is self-sufficient on top of that.
04:03And they were divided into two.
04:05Those whose lips moved and those whose lips didn't move.
04:12I think that's funny, but I'm not sure why.
04:17There are over 280,000 heroin and crack addicts in Britain.
04:21Have they really?
04:22I've just spent the weekend in Amsterdam where I combined the two.
04:25Oh, well done.
04:26Drugs and prostitution.
04:27The rule book for Dutch prostitutes is that thick.
04:31It's an inch thick of what you can and can't do.
04:34I bet they can do something with that though, can't they?
04:38I went into a brothel on Saturday.
04:41You heard it here first, don't you?
04:44It's exactly like the motorway service station lavatory.
04:48But that was a welcome break.
04:49The smell.
04:53And you don't deserve that kind of luck.
04:59You don't deserve it.
05:01So how many crack and heroin addicts?
05:04280,000.
05:04280,000, yeah.
05:05But this is worse.
05:06There are 50,000 practitioners of alternative medicine.
05:09There are 75,000 people in prison.
05:11Oh, yes, it was announced today, wasn't it?
05:12Yes, thank you.
05:13Very good.
05:14Have a point.
05:15There are 10,000 practicing druids in Britain.
05:19They're not all Welsh, are they?
05:20No, no, no.
05:21They're from Somerset.
05:22That's the kind of area.
05:23It's the Archbishop of Glastonbury and Stonehenge,
05:25whose name is Rollo Morfling.
05:28Rollo Morfling?
05:29It's spelled M-A-U-G-H-F-L-I-N-G.
05:32It sounds like a practice, doesn't it?
05:34You are charged with Rollo Morfling.
05:37I only morphled one, sir.
05:42So, what is a Birmingham screwdriver?
05:45Yes.
05:45A drink.
05:47Oh, Barry, oh, Barry, oh, Barry, oh, Barry, oh, Barry, oh, Barry, oh, Barry, oh, Barry, oh, Barry.
05:52Can we go on to say what we think might be in the drink?
05:55Yes.
05:56If it were a drink?
05:57Wine.
05:58W-H-I.
05:59W-H-I.
06:01To Brumby's wine, then.
06:02Oh.
06:03If Einstein had been from Birmingham,
06:05no-one would have taken the theory of relativity seriously.
06:09I mean, Nigel Mansell was from Birmingham.
06:13Near Birmingham.
06:13That says it all, doesn't it?
06:15It's all the dancing in Birmingham.
06:15Huge ferret.
06:17God, aren't we?
06:18It isn't drooping.
06:19Could you cross the track in front of mine ever so...
06:21You've won!
06:22You've won!
06:23A billion pounds in a yacht!
06:25Not a very big one, there.
06:29I'm sorry to all our viewers who are from Birmingham,
06:31but what, Birmingham, the other name...
06:32I'm not.
06:36Brummagem is an old word for, hence Brum,
06:39and Brummagem ware is a type of,
06:41sort of counterfeit tacky stuff,
06:44was known as Brummagem ware.
06:46And Birmingham workers were considered a bit oafish, shall we say.
06:51So Birmingham screwdriver might well be...
06:54A hammer.
06:55Exactly, well done, a hammer.
06:56Exactly.
06:57They see a screw and think,
06:59oh, sorry, I'll just hammer it in.
07:00They can't be bothered.
07:01In the 1970s, if you work on all the Birmingham housing estates,
07:04when they all used to work for British Leyland,
07:06Yeah.
07:06Everybody's bathroom was maxi green,
07:09and the front, marina beige.
07:11Yes!
07:11All the paint shop paint was just taken home,
07:14and everything was painted in car colour,
07:16and it was in a period when orange was popular.
07:19It was indeed, those...
07:20Burnt orange.
07:21Allegro's.
07:22The Allegro's were orange, weren't they?
07:24The Allegro, I'll tell you something good about that,
07:25it was more aerodynamic going backwards,
07:27than it was.
07:29That was gorgeous.
07:31I love it.
07:31That was a Birmingham product.
07:34They have some colourful sayings, I have one here.
07:36He'd skin a turd for a farthing.
07:41There was the folklore about Enoch and...
07:45Excuse my voice.
07:46I've had Ruby Wax on the phone today.
07:50Fell off twice.
07:51But...
07:51What?
07:53Enoch and Eli.
07:55Yes.
07:56Two legendary folklore characters in Birmingham.
07:59And Enoch's fishing by the canal,
08:02and his mate, Eli, comes up and says,
08:04Have you caught anything?
08:06He says, I caught a while.
08:08He said, Where is it?
08:09He said, I threw it back.
08:11He said, You've caught a while.
08:12He said, I threw it back.
08:13Why?
08:14I hadn't got any spokes in it.
08:19It's like the Nobby Holder joke.
08:21You must know that one, didn't you?
08:22Nobby Holder...
08:23A Noddy Holder of Slade.
08:25There's a sort of reunion,
08:27and as the 70s and glam rock's becoming fashionable,
08:29and he goes to a costume and he says,
08:31You know, I can't...
08:32You know, I've thrown out all me old gear,
08:33and me hat, and everything.
08:34I can't remember what a war.
08:35And the fellow says, Oh, wait,
08:36give me some loons.
08:38You have loons.
08:38Oh, yeah, war loons.
08:39That's right, yeah.
08:39Dead joints out of war loons.
08:41So he puts the loons on,
08:42and he says,
08:43And one of them tank tops, do you want?
08:45No sea hell of a tank top.
08:47And he says,
08:48And what about a kip of ties?
08:48He says, Oh, thanks, yeah.
08:49Milk, no sugar.
08:52There you are.
08:54Ozzy Osbourne.
08:55He used to get some Ozzy Osbourne from that negative.
08:56Of course he is.
08:56There's loads of them.
08:57I've fallen off me quad block.
09:05All right.
09:06That was Jimmy Savile.
09:07Jimmy Savile.
09:08Jimmy Savile was doing Ozzy Osbourne.
09:10I think Jimmy Savile invented hip-hop,
09:12because the tracksuits, the jewellery...
09:14The bling bling.
09:15The bling bling.
09:16It's all like, now then, with my hoe in the hood there.
09:25Very good.
09:27So there you go.
09:28Now, let's have a question which is not about Britain.
09:31Who has the least use for Jeremy Clarkson?
09:37What two things come to mind when we think of Jeremy?
09:40Top Gear and Brunel.
09:42Cars and television is the key.
09:44So it's a place that's got no...
09:45A place that has almost no cars and no television.
09:48No television.
09:48Yes.
09:50Sark.
09:51Sark.
09:51You're quite right about traffic there,
09:53but it does have a lot of television.
09:54I mean, it has as much television as any other place.
09:56Is it the Channel Island area?
09:58It's not the Channel Island.
09:58It's locked over there.
09:59Yes.
10:00Bhutan.
10:00Bhutan is the right answer.
10:02Well done.
10:03It is the kingdom.
10:04You've certainly got a point there.
10:06Except...
10:08Except...
10:10They have got television.
10:11In 1999?
10:12Yeah.
10:13It's where they're doing all the television surveys.
10:15To find out, has television actually had an effect?
10:17It's completely wrecked the place.
10:19It's absolutely ruined it.
10:21It's gone from people going mmmmm all day
10:23to just sitting around, stabbing one another,
10:27wearing perfume and drinking Coca-Cola and wanting to be American.
10:30And parking fees have now been introduced as well.
10:33In Bhutan?
10:33It has no traffic lights in the whole of the kingdom.
10:36Where is it?
10:37It's sort of between China and India in the Himalayas.
10:41India has no speed limits.
10:43India has no speed limits.
10:45And every car in India, within five years of it being bought,
10:48will be involved in a fatal road accident.
10:50The UK, on the other hand, has the highest number of car thefts in the world.
10:54My motorbike was stolen two weeks ago.
10:57Bob Mark?
10:58It's a black Suzuki DR-60.
11:04N441 YKP.
11:06You should do the whole police press conference bit
11:08and say, now this bike thief knows who he is.
11:13I've got an American cousin who's a doctor
11:16and he was visiting me in London at the time when I used to ride a motorbike
11:19and he didn't know this and we were meeting in a restaurant
11:22and he saw me checking in my skid lid, as we biker boys call them.
11:27How would we call them?
11:28He said, I didn't know you rode a bike.
11:31I said, yeah.
11:31He said, do you know what we call bike riders at the trauma department
11:35at the Roosevelt Hospital?
11:36I said, no.
11:37He said, donors.
11:40That was one thing.
11:41And then, literally two days later, a friend of mine was talking about her aunt
11:44who was at Moorfield's Eye Hospital and she was going to have a cataract operation
11:47or a corneal graft or one of those sort of things.
11:50And the chap came in, the consultant, and said, no, Mrs. Sir, Mrs. Alton.
11:54He said, I'm sure you've heard about it.
11:57We're going to cut out that nasty old lens, a cloudy old lens.
12:00We're going to sew in a nice, bright, fresh new one.
12:02It's a very simple operation.
12:03It only takes a few hours and you'll be out and you'll be seen wonderfully.
12:06He said, the only trouble is, I'm afraid, we don't have any donor eyes in at the moment.
12:10But he looked at the window and said, but it's raining, so it shouldn't be too long.
12:15He meant it.
12:16Most people in Bhutan live more than a day's walk from a road.
12:19It's a very rural country indeed.
12:21Only 0.01% of the country are on the internet, for heaven's sake.
12:25No, but if you got that from the internet, it'll be wrong.
12:28Yeah.
12:29Yes.
12:29Every single one of the 247 billion facts on the internet is wrong.
12:36Funnily enough, although the country's domain initials are .bt, it only has supposedly about
12:426,000 telephones in the whole country and only went on the telephone in 1980.
12:46Do you know the one about the only two democracies have ever declared war on each other?
12:50Oh, that's good.
12:51No, I don't.
12:52In the whole of human history.
12:53Well, Britain's one of them.
12:54Yeah, of course it is.
12:55We've been in every single war.
12:56We're always starting.
12:57Obviously, yeah.
12:59Go on then.
13:00Finland.
13:01Oh.
13:01Second World War.
13:03When they declared war on Russia, we declared war on them.
13:06And they were a democracy.
13:06But it's the only two times that democracies have ever declared when no shots were fired.
13:10We declared war on Finland?
13:11Yeah.
13:11Because they were fighting Russia.
13:12How did we get on?
13:14Did we beat them?
13:14No, no, we never went.
13:15We never even went.
13:16We never even went.
13:18We're at war with you.
13:19That's a rubbish war.
13:20It was the worst war in the world.
13:22Here, which is the odd one out from these four.
13:25Cuckoo.
13:26Ferret.
13:27Grasshopper.
13:28Camel.
13:30Jeremy.
13:31Camel's the only one you can't get down your trousers.
13:37Is it anything to do with their attributes?
13:39Or is it going to be something that people do to them or with them or something?
13:42No, yes.
13:43Some of you do to an animal, certainly.
13:46Very basic.
13:47Eating them.
13:47Yeah.
13:48You can eat all of them.
13:49You can eat all of them.
13:51But there are certain classes of people who lay down laws about eating.
13:57The queen has been invited to eat them and has declined.
14:01My husband will try that one.
14:02If you've had a little snip here, what are you?
14:06You're impotent.
14:08You're Jewish.
14:09Leviticus.
14:10Leviticus is exactly the right answer.
14:12That is, in which the laws are laid down.
14:14The dietary laws are known as kosher laws.
14:17And you can't eat shellfish.
14:19Well, yes, not one of them.
14:20There isn't a shellfish up there.
14:21No, but you can't.
14:22That's true.
14:23Or pork.
14:23That without fins nor scales in the water shall be an abomination unto you.
14:27Also, that's where it says you mustn't be gay.
14:30That's right.
14:31And it's odd, isn't it, how many fundamentalist Christians carry on eating pork.
14:34I know.
14:35While going on about God-hating gay people.
14:37Yeah.
14:38And seafood you can't eat.
14:40Especially Winkles, obviously.
14:42Because that's two for a price of one, isn't it?
14:45No, it's actually grasshoppers.
14:47All those other three are specifically mentioned in Leviticus.
14:50Grasshoppers aren't kosher.
14:51No, grasshoppers you can eat.
14:53Oh, right.
14:53They're not mentioned.
14:54They're exempt.
14:55You can eat a grasshopper.
14:56But the others are...
14:57I'll give you a list, if you like.
15:00It actually says in Leviticus that you cannot eat lobster, crabs, frogs, chameleons, eels, hares, snails, lizards, moles, ravens, ospreys,
15:08vultures, swans, owls, storks, herons, bats, pelicans, lapwings, prawns and eagles.
15:12But...
15:13So Thomas Slaughter's okay?
15:15Yes, absolutely.
15:17And eagle pie.
15:19Yeah.
15:19Oh, I thought I was in trouble for you.
15:21Can you have cheddar?
15:24Yes, it doesn't specifically mention regions of countries it didn't know about.
15:27Well, it's being pretty precise about some stuff.
15:29You can't have the edge of his ass on that.
15:30You said eagles?
15:32Eagles, yeah.
15:33You know about the guy who shot a golden eagle?
15:35Yeah.
15:36Preserved species.
15:37Yeah.
15:37And he was in court in front of a magistrate.
15:40And the magistrate said, this is a dreadful thing.
15:42He said, I never intended to.
15:44I was shooting pheasants and it flew into my line of fire.
15:47Complete accident.
15:48The magistrate said, okay.
15:49And he said, as a matter of interest, what did you do with it?
15:52He said, I ate it.
15:54The magistrate said, good God, what did it taste like?
15:56He said, rather like swan.
16:02Because they're all going to be killed by those wind turbines, aren't they?
16:05You might as well eat them then.
16:06Yeah.
16:07I don't think they use turbine.
16:08It all has to be done humanely.
16:10I don't think they do it on purpose.
16:12They have to spin it first, then they throw it up into the turbine.
16:18What's Leviticus?
16:19What does that mean?
16:20It's a Latinization of the Levi, which is a type of priest in the...
16:23He's also the name of our fourth puppy.
16:25Oh.
16:26And a puppy called Leviticus?
16:28Yeah.
16:28Oh, what a good name.
16:29And what does the...
16:30Well, it was the third, actually.
16:31Because it was Genesis, Exodus and Leviticus and then we ended up with numbers.
16:35Yeah.
16:36You always called your pets, didn't you?
16:39Gilbert and Sullivan and Bubble and Squeak.
16:41And you always ended up after a road accident with Gilbert and Squeak.
16:43I mean, you always...
16:45You always ended up with...
16:46Whiskey and Pepper.
16:47Yeah.
16:48That's so true.
16:50That's so true.
16:51That's so true.
16:51I did have two guinea pigs, Gilbert and Squeak.
16:53That is true.
16:55And numbers.
16:55How do two guinea pigs get involved in a road accident?
16:59No.
17:00Speedy.
17:00Do you know the Roadkill Cafe?
17:02I think it's in Wyoming.
17:03Somewhere around the Badlands of America.
17:05I don't know.
17:05It's called the Roadkill Cafe.
17:06And the idea is if you knock anything over in your car, you take it in, they'll cook it.
17:09And they just...
17:10I love the...
17:11You know, whether it's an elk or a tiny little possum or something.
17:13An old lady.
17:14But their poster is...
17:16Absolutely.
17:19But their poster, which is all over Wyoming, all over the main road there, is the Roadkill Cafe.
17:24From your grill to ours.
17:29Anyway, so they'd love to...
17:30What are those birds called in Australia where they're huge things?
17:34I mean, they can fly.
17:35They're not...
17:36Michelle.
17:36Well, Enus.
17:38They knew they...
17:39You sort of know they can fly.
17:41They're great big kind of flying...
17:43Reyes.
17:43They know they're flying things.
17:44Anyway, they fly down in the night and they gorge on these animals that have been run
17:47over the roadkill in the night.
17:49Kangaroos.
17:49The ducarium sort of animals, yeah.
17:51And then when the road train comes along in the morning, the next one that comes along,
17:55these things have eaten so much, they can only take off into the wind.
17:59And if the lorry's coming towards them, as they're taking off, they're usually at windscreen
18:04height.
18:05Yikes.
18:06Really, really unpleasant.
18:08Because they are full of magnets.
18:10You get double magnets.
18:11And they just come through the windscreen and burst all over.
18:16Oh, jeez.
18:17And they have to drive the next, well straight, 100 million miles covered in magnets.
18:24Our team wants you to know, Jeremy, that it is the wedge-tailed eagle.
18:27Anyway, why does this man like being bald?
18:34That's...
18:34Because it makes him look like a comical Cold War bund villain.
18:39Rather than the Butcher of Grosny, for example.
18:42He is the Butcher of Grosny, if you want to call him that.
18:44In other words, it's Vladimir Putin.
18:46He was extremely annoyed and apparently hit someone when there was his resemblance to Dobby
18:50the house-elf in the Harry Potter film.
18:54Yes.
18:54You've got very cross indeed.
18:56Lenin was bald.
18:57Is he trying to do something...
18:59Ah.
18:59Now, you're on the right lines, but take it further.
19:02Gorbachev.
19:03Gorbachev was also bald.
19:04But what about the ones in between?
19:07Andropov dropped dead while he was president.
19:09Andropov died on the toilet.
19:11That was Elvis.
19:13Oh, yeah.
19:16Bramwell Bronte, the brother of the Bronte sisters, died standing up,
19:21leaning on the mantelpiece after lunch.
19:24Just so he ought to know.
19:26They came down in the morning and he was still there.
19:31No, there is a long...
19:32For 120 years there has been a succession of leaders of the Russian state or the Soviets
19:37who have alternated between being hairy and bald.
19:41From Alexander in 1881 to Nicholas, Lenin was bald, Stalin had a full head of hair.
19:46Khrushchev.
19:47Khrushchev was bald.
19:49Brezhnev was hairy.
19:52Andropov was bald and Chernenko was hairy and Gorbachev was bald and Yeltsin was hairy
19:58and now we have a bald one.
19:59And the Russians take this very seriously.
20:01And it is considered a contributory fact to his winning the elections is that he's bald.
20:05Because it's time for a bald leader.
20:07So next time it's Brian May out of Queen.
20:10That's right!
20:12Is that me?
20:14It's general ignorance.
20:16I don't remember that being taken, I'm asking.
20:19What a swell party that must have been.
20:23Now, fingers on the buzzers.
20:24Which war killed the highest proportion of British soldiers?
20:32The American War of Independence.
20:35Good guess.
20:36Yeah.
20:37English Civil War.
20:38The English Civil War is the correct answer.
20:41Because everybody killed in the English Civil War was British.
20:43Well that's absolutely right.
20:44So they must be.
20:44Plus it was an exceptionally bloody conflict anywhere.
20:47Very, very violent.
20:48And the population of the country was quite small.
20:50And all anybody knows about it is the hairstyles.
20:52All anybody says, oh, it's roundheads and cavaliers.
20:54And you say, yeah, that's it really.
20:55One lot looks like the grumble.
20:57Well he's the other lot like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.
20:58So it all kicks off.
21:01That man's got a wooden leg and riding side saddle.
21:0690% of Britons cannot name a single battle of the English Civil War.
21:1180% do not know which English king was executed by Parliament.
21:15And 67% of school children have never heard of Oliver Cromwell.
21:21Good.
21:23As a royalist do you think his name should be buried?
21:25No, he's a dreadful man.
21:26He was a truly, truly horrible, one of the most horrible people ever to have walked to the land.
21:31But you wouldn't know that if you didn't know about it.
21:33He did terrible damage for being a Puritan.
21:34He wrecked all our beautiful churches.
21:36He ripped away all the iconography and graven images
21:39and replaced them with the giant thermometers that you can still see to this day.
21:44So how many British people died in the Civil War?
21:4785,000 on the battlefield.
21:49Another 100,000 dying of their wounds afterwards.
21:53People who really suffered with the Irish,
21:54of whom it's estimated half the population were decimated by the great Cromwell.
21:59And it's an example, as a friend told me, who works at the Foreign Office,
22:02that dear Robin Cook, when the Labour Party came to power,
22:07they were going to be all ethical, they were going to be all good.
22:09They took down some picture in the Foreign Office of a Nepalese prince
22:13because they thought it was all imperialist, which deeply offended the Nepalese government.
22:16And they put up this big portrait of Cromwell, you know, Republican, you know, sort of lefty figure.
22:20And the first meeting they had was with the Irish government.
22:23It took one look.
22:24And it was like showing Eichmann to the Israeli government.
22:30In the seven years between 1642 and 1649,
22:33the period known as the English Civil War,
22:34a staggering one in ten of the adult male population died,
22:38more than three times the proportion that died in the First World War,
22:40more than five times the proportion that died in World War II.
22:43Now, how much of the Earth is water?
22:48Two-thirds.
22:49Oh, Wallaby Wallaby Wallaby Wallaby Wallaby.
22:55Is not the right answer.
22:57I'm counting the whole planet as it is.
22:59Ah, well, no, nothing, virtually.
23:01Quite right. The answer is less than a fiftieth of one percent.
23:04Seven-tenths of the Earth's surface is covered in water.
23:08About two-thirds.
23:09Which is about two-thirds, which is exactly right.
23:12But...
23:14But the Earth is big. It's very, very, very, very big.
23:16It was that big compared to Jupiter.
23:18No, but...
23:20I raise you Jupiter.
23:24The Earth can go into the spot on Jupiter.
23:26Do you know what I think is a bad idea?
23:28Humans spreading onto other planets and into other galaxies.
23:30That would be the bad idea.
23:32We should stop ourselves.
23:33Why?
23:34Because we're just bad.
23:36No, we are. As a species, we're bad.
23:38Don't start giving me Shakespeare's sonnets.
23:39Well, you give me...
23:40Where would you?
23:42Carl Sagan said a rather wonderful thing
23:43when they sent out one of those early mariner probes
23:45or whatever. The one with a gold slab on it
23:47with digital information as a binary information.
23:50Voyager.
23:50Voyager, that's the one.
23:51It had information about where the Earth was
23:53in relation to the solar system and so on.
23:56And someone suggested having some digitized music
23:58on a very early semiconductor sort of microchip.
24:00And someone said, well, we could have some Bach.
24:03And Carl Sagan said, I think that would just be showing off.
24:08Very good.
24:09That left in one, the late 70s?
24:10Yes.
24:11That's only just got to the edge of our solar system.
24:14But it had to get the special connecting bus service from Kroon.
24:18Right there. Absolutely.
24:21Well, the Earth may be too small for Alan, but it's good enough
24:23for most of our purposes.
24:24It has a total mass of about six million billion billion kilograms.
24:28Even on the apparently watery crust,
24:30the mass of the land is 40 times greater than that of the oceans.
24:33Anyway, changing the subject to something.
24:35Perhaps a little different.
24:38Describe Andy Warhol's underpants.
24:43Padded.
24:44Padded.
24:44Padded?
24:44Padded.
24:45Padded pants.
24:4715 minutes of foam.
24:50Very good.
24:51It's like the Essex girl who sees an Irishman
24:54with his Wellingtons that have L and R written on them.
24:57Yes.
24:57And she says, what's that about?
24:59And he says, well, you know,
25:00it reminds me of the left to put on the left
25:03and the right to put on the right.
25:05She says, oh, that's why my pants say C&A then.
25:10What an interesting audience.
25:12Not only are you so bored about the earth stuff,
25:14you just have some knob guys.
25:17If you were attacked by Andy Warhol
25:19and you were describing him to the police
25:21and they were doing an artist,
25:25the guy just wouldn't leave you, would it?
25:27Well, Warhol, he never went to funerals,
25:29except recently, of course.
25:32And his own.
25:33But he never attended funerals.
25:35He never danced, ever.
25:37And he always wore underpants for a particular colour.
25:40Brown.
25:40We'd have to go through the colours, wouldn't we?
25:42Green, black, yellow.
25:44You said green and green they always wore.
25:46He always wears green pants.
25:47Or wore green pants, exactly.
25:49And one last British question.
25:51What colour was Robert Burns's kilt?
25:54He didn't wear a kilt.
25:57Red?
25:57I don't know.
25:58Tom?
25:58No, it wasn't red.
25:59He didn't wear a kilt.
25:59Yeah, absolutely right.
26:00Barry gets the point.
26:01There's a particular reason why Burns would not have worn a kilt.
26:04He was embarrassed about the size of his penis.
26:06No.
26:07Nearly bad eczema.
26:08He wasn't a member of a kilt.
26:12It's nothing like that.
26:14He wasn't a member of a specific clan.
26:16No, he was a member of a clan, but he would be deported from Scotland for wearing a kilt.
26:20It was outlawed.
26:21Ah.
26:21Yes.
26:22When was that then?
26:23When was Burns alive?
26:24He was alive in the 18th century.
26:26And you weren't allowed to wear a kilt in the 18th century?
26:28No.
26:29Because it was a symbol of Scottish defiance.
26:31Well, there were two famous, weren't there, rebellions, the 1715 and the 1745 rebellions.
26:36Of course.
26:36The Jacobite rebellions.
26:37Of course.
26:38The Jacobite rebellions.
26:39In which the...
26:40The unpretender...
26:41The old pretend and the unpretender attempted...
26:44And of course, in the case of 1745, they got as far south as...
26:48Grimsby.
26:49Cleethorpe.
26:52Derby.
26:52Derby.
26:53Yeah.
26:53What happened at Derby?
26:54The buffet car ran out of beer or something?
26:57That means we apologise.
26:58F*** that.
26:59He's going to go back to Scotland.
27:01I'm going to go back to this shite rule, I'll kill you.
27:04Yeah.
27:05Interestingly, he was never known as Robbie or Rabby Burns.
27:08No.
27:08He never referred to himself as that.
27:09Sometimes Rab.
27:10Burnsy.
27:10Robert.
27:11Burnsy.
27:13The Burnster.
27:14Yeah.
27:16But there we are.
27:16Burns, my star.
27:18Yeah.
27:18It's time for the final scores.
27:20Oh, very interesting indeed.
27:22Well, in equal last place, it's Barry and Alan with minus six.
27:27Because you both fell into our traps, unfortunately.
27:29With three, it's Jeremy Hardy.
27:31Way out in front, Jeremy Clarkson with plus five.
27:35APPLAUSE
27:43That is all from Hugh Iversley, from Alan Barry, the two Jeremys and me.
27:48And Brombrich Moon ligt nicht hier al.
27:50Good night.
27:50Thank you very much.
27:51Well, let's go on that.
27:51Thank you, Adam.
27:51We'll see you soon.
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