- 8 hours ago
First broadcast 26th October 2007.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Jo Brand
Vic Reeves
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Jo Brand
Vic Reeves
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI Spy, where
00:09tonight the code word is espionage.
00:18Concealed amongst you are four masters of disguise, Special Agent Joe Brand.
00:27Undercover man, Clive Anderson.
00:34Counterintelligence operative, Vic Reeves.
00:40And the spy in the ointment, Alan Davis.
00:50Now, please identify yourself by your call signs.
00:55Joe goes.
00:59Clive goes.
01:06Vic goes.
01:16And Alan goes.
01:19I spy with my little eye.
01:25And remember, in Series E, the watchword is constant vigilance.
01:30If you spy an elephant in the room, inform your handler immediately.
01:36Now, first question.
01:38Do you know how to beat a lie detector?
01:42Joe.
01:43Spot of gentle masturbation.
01:50There is, there's a kind of logic in what you're saying.
01:53Could you expand, as it were?
01:59You know what I mean?
02:01Why would that help?
02:03Well, it would help because you'd get yourself into a slightly different sort of state of consciousness,
02:09so that you would fool the lie detector into thinking that something was going on that actually wasn't going on.
02:14I don't think it's going to work, because if you're rubbing your genitals, or they're in a state of excitement,
02:18you lie naturally anyway, so it'd be obvious.
02:22It'd be obvious whatever you say is a lie.
02:24Well, I do love you.
02:28What's it called?
02:29A stenograph?
02:29Well, it's a polygraph.
02:31Polygraph.
02:31Yeah, a polygraph.
02:32They kind of test, they detect your sweat, and...
02:35There are a number of things.
02:36Sweat, palpitations, you know, vibrations in the body,
02:38and various clenchings of muscles and so on.
02:40But in order to see how it works,
02:42you obviously have to ask people a series of questions to which they don't lie,
02:46like their name and their address.
02:48These are called control questions.
02:50So if you want to beat it,
02:52when you're being asked what your name is,
02:54sort of behave as if you were lying.
02:56In other words, either think very exciting thoughts,
02:58or clench your anal sphincter.
03:01They have a pad, a lot of these things,
03:04where they sense involuntary clenches of the sphincter,
03:06which is a sign, apparently, of lying.
03:08So if you do it when you're telling the truth,
03:10they get completely thrown when you lie,
03:12because it's the same response.
03:13That's the point.
03:14Well, it's odd, because on this programme,
03:15I've always got this,
03:16sitting here waiting for the next question.
03:19They can calibrate my anal sphincter from...
03:21You have to live in court, Clive.
03:22Oddly enough, you can't use it in court in this country.
03:24No, you can't, and you can't in America,
03:25and they are just simply nonsense.
03:27I mean, the FBI have said that they're about as much use
03:29as astrology and tea leaves.
03:31Do you remember who invented the polygraph machine?
03:35Er, polygraph herself.
03:37His name was William Marston,
03:39and he was the inventor of Wonder Woman.
03:41Well, that's fantastic.
03:42That's a fantastic range of things,
03:43to Wonder Woman and the polygraph.
03:44It is, isn't it?
03:45That's an achievement.
03:46A wide spectrum, exactly.
03:48A wide spectrum will give you away.
03:59But the point is,
04:00you have to contract your anal sphincter.
04:02I say anal sphincter,
04:03because of course there are actually lots of sphincters in the body,
04:04but the anal one...
04:05Well, why are you concentrating on the anal one?
04:06Because that's where they have a detector in the...
04:08A detective.
04:09Yes.
04:09A detector.
04:10So it's the youngest one on the...
04:12Right, you're underneath.
04:15No, I'm kind of going undercover,
04:17but this is ridiculous.
04:18Is he clenching it?
04:19No, not yet.
04:21You have to tighten the sphincter without clenching...
04:25No, nothing yet, sir.
04:29Hang on.
04:31Can you do it without clenching your buttocks, though?
04:34Can you tighten the sphincter?
04:37Yeah, that's what you have to do.
04:38That's the little practice needed,
04:39just so that you can tighten the sphincter,
04:41but don't clench your buttocks.
04:43I'm strengthening my pelvic floor, I know I am.
04:47Yeah, doing that?
04:47Yes, yes.
04:48What's this pad look like?
04:50Has he got a tube?
04:52I'm doing it now.
04:53I'm doing it now.
04:55Do I look like I'm lying?
04:56Try not to roll your eyes.
04:58Try not to roll your eyes so you can see the lights.
05:00I'm gripping quite hard on this thing.
05:03The other way to beat the test is quite the opposite,
05:07is to relax completely.
05:08There was a man called Aldrich Ames who was a double agent
05:10who worked for the Soviets but was also a CIA operative,
05:13and he beat the polygraph twice,
05:15and he was very nervous when he was going to be examined by the CIA,
05:18who were sort of on to him,
05:19and his Soviet handler said,
05:21get a good night's sleep and rest,
05:23go into the test rested and relaxed,
05:25be nice to the polygraph examiner,
05:26develop a rapport,
05:28be cooperative and try and maintain your calm,
05:30and that was enough to beat it twice.
05:31You're certainly going to be nice to the one
05:33who's shoving the thing up your anal sphincter, aren't you?
05:35The nature of things.
05:36You'd be pathetic with gratitude, wouldn't you?
05:38Yeah.
05:39Well, there you are.
05:39Apparently, the key to beating the lie detector
05:42is a discreet flexing of your anal sphincter.
05:45What's the best way to trick a female spy into exposing herself?
05:51The best-known female spy was Marta Hari.
05:53Yes, she was.
05:54And you didn't need to get her to expose herself
05:56because she'd already done it,
05:57because before she was a spy,
05:59she was a bit of an exotic, erotic dancer.
06:01She was that.
06:02I meant to expose herself in purely innocent terms
06:04and reveal herself to be a spy from another country.
06:07Someone, for example, this was actually discovered
06:10by Heinrich Müller, the head of the Gestapo.
06:13He discovered...
06:13Do you have sexual intercourse with her
06:15and she cries out in her original language?
06:17You're so close.
06:19Absolutely.
06:20I don't care why I'm right or not.
06:21I just want to try it a few times.
06:23Unfortunately, there is a nine-month gap.
06:25You get her pregnant...
06:27Yes.
06:27...and then if she's from Sweden,
06:28she says, I'd like to call the baby Leif.
06:31Oh, no.
06:33Apparently, according to the Gestapo,
06:35when a woman...
06:37in that original language...
06:39When a woman screams with birth pain,
06:42she can't help doing it in her own language.
06:44It's not terribly efficient, time-wise, though.
06:48It is...
06:49We need to know where the bomb has been planted.
06:51Just a minute, sir.
06:52I'll get it out of her.
06:53Right, hang on.
06:56It obviously is a weight.
06:58That is the huge disadvantage.
07:00But a female Russian radio operator
07:02operating in Germany during World War II
07:04was exposed this way when pregnant.
07:06She couldn't help swearing in Russian,
07:08having spoken perfect German
07:09and being taken to be a German.
07:11Heinrich Muller was the head of the Gestapo
07:13and was probably the only senior Nazi
07:15to escape completely without trace.
07:17He walked out of the Fuhrer bunker
07:1829th of April 1945
07:20and was never seen or heard of again.
07:22Until tonight.
07:23Until tonight, I believe.
07:29Now, what did Harry Houdini hide behind the mirror?
07:33Ooh.
07:34We know he was killed by somebody
07:36punching him in the stump.
07:37Boy, wasn't he?
07:38Doing...
07:38Doing one of his...
07:39Yeah.
07:40...usual tricks, but he wasn't ready for...
07:42He hit one of those.
07:44You are right!
07:48Yeah!
07:49Yeah!
07:50Yeah!
07:51Yeah!
07:51Well done!
07:53Elephant in the room.
07:54Very good indeed.
07:55So, how did he hide an elephant behind a mirror?
07:58It was his greatest stage illusion.
08:00He was sent to be not a very good magician,
08:02partly because his personality was very tiresome
08:04and he just didn't have any panache on stage.
08:06I can't think of any magicians like that today.
08:08Oh, no!
08:09He was obviously a great escapologist,
08:11but he brought this elephant called Jenny onto stage
08:13and instantly she disappeared in front of the audience
08:16and it was a remarkable trick.
08:18No one knew how he did it and he didn't reveal the secret.
08:20But having said that...
08:22Well, the elephant knew.
08:22The elephant apparently...
08:24It never forgot.
08:24It never forgot.
08:26Actually, Houdini is quoted as saying
08:28even the elephant does not know how it is done.
08:30Yeah.
08:30Essentially, it involved a mirror folding back
08:32that revealed an identically done box in the flies of the thing,
08:36so it reflected back and made it look
08:38as if you were looking at the empty crate.
08:41All done with mirrors.
08:41All done with mirrors, exactly.
08:43And it was impressive for those who sat in the right place.
08:45The best things he did, Houdini,
08:46were going around the place exposing charlatans and frauds.
08:50That's what he was really good at.
08:51Yeah, absolutely right.
08:52He knew when people were tricking people out of money
08:54and conning people.
08:55Well, like all magicians, obviously,
08:57you only have to look at someone
08:58who claims to be a spiritualist or a mind reader
09:00and you know they're just using magic.
09:02I mean, it's what Darren Brown does,
09:03it's what James Randi does in America.
09:05So, who did Harry Houdini come in combative relations to?
09:08Because there was a great man of the age
09:10who rather tragically did believe in spiritualism
09:12and mediums and the dead people being able to talk.
09:15No, I don't know.
09:15Was it?
09:15It was a Briton.
09:16It was Conan Doyle or something.
09:17It was Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator Sherlock Holmes,
09:19who sadly devoted the last 20 or 30 years of his life
09:22to believing in fairies and spiritualism and things
09:25and Houdini was foursquare against it.
09:27But it was a period when a lot of people did sort of believe
09:29in this kind of flinchist and exoplanet.
09:31There's a great story about Conan Doyle actually.
09:33Just for a joke one day, he wrote a note saying,
09:36we are discovered, flee immediately.
09:38And he sent it to five of his friends to see what they would do
09:41and one of them disappeared.
09:45Brilliant.
09:45Yes.
09:47And he had no idea why.
09:49Yes.
09:51So Houdini, yes, as you were saying,
09:53he was punched in the stomach by a student
09:55whose name was Jay Gordon Whitehead.
09:58Apparently he wasn't ready because he claimed
10:00he could be punched at any time by anyone
10:02and he could take that punch.
10:03But this guy just tapped him on the shoulder
10:05and went like that before he could sense his muscle.
10:08Supposedly that's what ruptured something and caused peritonitis.
10:11So it's now believed that he might actually have had appendicitis already.
10:15So he merely just exacerbated it.
10:18Didn't make the student feel any better.
10:19No.
10:20But then there's been a recent demand to have his body exhumed
10:22and it may even be so.
10:24You'll never get it out.
10:25Never get it out of the coffee.
10:26Hey, there you go.
10:27He won't be in there.
10:30But they want to test it for poison
10:31because there are those who believe that spiritualists poisoned him
10:34because he was giving them such a bad name.
10:36Can you test bones if you've been poisoned?
10:38Oh, you can test bodies for poison
10:39because of the hair which never goes away
10:41that would change a lot of poison.
10:43That's what you think.
10:47Very good.
10:51It was pretty remarkable though.
10:52He could pick up pins with his eyelashes.
10:56Eyelashes to the catch to your joys.
10:57Yeah, I'd do that.
10:57Yeah, Kenny Willow you are.
10:58You're pretty extraordinary.
10:59He could also do not.
11:00Not much of a stage act, though, is it?
11:02No, but it was a technique he used for his escapology.
11:04That's the point.
11:05Oh, I see.
11:05When he was naked and he was bound and he was in a cell
11:07he probably managed to get to the cell beforehand
11:10and leave pins almost invisibly there
11:12that he could then pick up, manoeuvre down to his mouth
11:14and then he could undo knots and thread a needle with his toes.
11:19Yeah, with his feet, exactly.
11:20No, penis.
11:21Oh, with his penis.
11:21I'm sorry.
11:23I'm sorry.
11:24I misread.
11:25I misread.
11:25No, he's actually toes, funnily enough.
11:28On this occasion, you're not right, Alan.
11:30I don't know how that would be.
11:32Anyway, Houdini hid an elephant in the Hippodrome
11:34and never told anybody where it put it.
11:36How can you tell when you've run out of invisible ink, however?
11:42Don't you discover, you see what invisible ink is there
11:44by putting lemon or something on it?
11:46So you'd have to just check.
11:46No, it is lemon.
11:47Lemon itself is the invisible ink.
11:48Well, you put something on it to make it.
11:50Do you heat it up?
11:50Heat it.
11:50Heat it.
11:51So you'd have to keep heating it.
11:52Oh, that's all right.
11:53Yeah.
11:53Exactly.
11:54That's what you do.
11:54There's a lemon and the popular household ones
11:56are lemon and milk, oddly enough, will do it.
11:59But the man who founded MI6, whose code name was C.
12:03He was a very eccentric and extraordinary man.
12:05He discovered something else that could work as invisible ink,
12:08something that all his spies carried around with him.
12:11C.
12:11Exactly.
12:12Exactly.
12:12He said, every man has his own stylo.
12:17His name, rather pleasingly, was Mansfield Smith Cumming.
12:23It's all true.
12:24My name is Cumming.
12:25Mansfield Smith Cumming.
12:27I should imagine.
12:29He couldn't even write his own name, though, could he?
12:31It's a bit long.
12:33Do you know what I mean?
12:33True.
12:34You just do a C.
12:39Oh, Lorx.
12:40You do it on the ceiling.
12:42I thought he was younger man.
12:44Yes, obviously.
12:46Oh, dear, oh, dear.
12:48There's a painting by Marcel Duchamp.
12:50Called The Bride Strip.
12:52Bare by the Bachelors.
12:53Yeah.
12:54Well, there's a sort of smudge, smudgy affair on it.
12:56And he was in love with this woman.
12:59He had an affair with this woman for a long time.
13:01And whenever he thought about her, he filled one of his paint pots.
13:05With his...
13:05With his thoughts.
13:07With his...
13:08And they analysed the paint, which was between two pieces of glass.
13:11Yeah.
13:12And they analysed the smudge, and it is just a huge amount of semen.
13:16Oh, smudgy.
13:17Well, they're very...
13:17And he knew about what that paint was about, but no one else did.
13:20That's rather pleasing, isn't it?
13:21It's a gift to his loved one.
13:24Do you know that story of the Pittsburgh bank robber who was arrested while robbing a bank?
13:30He was seen on a squinting rather oddly, but on a surveillance camera in the bank.
13:34And he was astonished to be stopped by the police.
13:36Erm...
13:37And he said, but how did you see me?
13:38I had the lemon juice all over my face.
13:42Somebody had told him that if he covered himself in the face, he wouldn't be visible.
13:48This was in 1995.
13:50Bless him.
13:51Well, you can also get rid of a port wine stain on the face with lemon.
13:55Can you?
13:56No.
13:59I fall for it every time, isn't it?
14:02Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
14:04Anyway, erm...
14:05Invisible ink.
14:06The answer to a question that we can't tell anybody has ever asked.
14:10Something more tangible now, however.
14:12How did loo paper help to win the Cold War?
14:17Was there a shortage of loo paper in the eastern part of the world?
14:20There was a shortage of loo paper behind the Iron Curtain.
14:24The loo paper was made in America, let's say.
14:28Ah.
14:28And then they didn't let the Russians have any, so they were confused.
14:32That would have been clever.
14:33But what happened is the Russians instead used documents.
14:37And all kinds of things for loo paper, because there was nothing else to use.
14:42And an operation called Operation Tamarisk meant that the spies behind the Iron Curtain had to go into these bins
14:49and find the paper that had been used.
14:51Because it wasn't soluble like lavatory paper, so it couldn't be used in the sewage system.
14:55Oh, right.
14:55So it was just thrown out in bins.
14:57Got right off spying now.
14:59Yeah, they see.
15:00That thing looks quite glamorous.
15:01It's not all glamour, I'm afraid.
15:03No.
15:03Because in military hospitals, the paper refuse that they went through also contained amputated limbs.
15:10And the spies were complaining to their handlers back in America and the UK and France, and said, you know,
15:15it's horrible.
15:15We've got to go through these bins and there's these amputated limbs.
15:18We've got to go through those as well as used lavatory paper.
15:21And, of course, their spy master said, oh, bring back the limbs as well.
15:24We want to see what sort of shrapnel they're using.
15:26So they had to carry around severed limbs and excreted matter.
15:31So if they had stopped going through customs, could you just open the bag?
15:35It's a bit of a shock.
15:36Yes.
15:37Even for a customs officer who's seen everything.
15:39For personal use.
15:40Yeah.
15:42But apparently, according to The Hidden Hand by Richard Aldrich, a book that covers this, it says that Operation Tamarisk
15:49was very successful.
15:52It may be without it, we'd still have communist Russia, who knows.
15:55But how would you use gummy bears to rob a bank?
16:00Pass them over.
16:02I need to look at them.
16:04I thought you might...
16:05I might just take a hand for myself because I happen to be rather partial.
16:09You know, I love them.
16:12Mmm.
16:13Aren't they good?
16:14What I would do...
16:15Yeah?
16:16...is sneak up behind the bank larks and push them into their eyes.
16:21Well, they couldn't, you know, on a hot, perhaps on a hot day, so they couldn't actually peel them off.
16:26Right, just go and rifle through the drawers, get them.
16:28Any other thoughts?
16:29It's a simple bribery.
16:32Not much people wouldn't do for a gummy bear.
16:34No.
16:35Gummy bear.
16:35Oh.
16:38Bring them to life and use them as a tiny jelly army.
16:44I want to see that.
16:46No.
16:46If you stuck them all over your face, they could be a brilliant disguise.
16:49If you just look like an idiot with lots of sweet stuff, they'd never suspect you.
16:52It would be called...
16:53Do they?
16:53Bare-faced cheek would miss you.
16:55Are they made...
16:58Sorry.
17:00Can you use them as some kind of plastic explosive?
17:03Are they in that family?
17:04It's...
17:05Well, not gelignite, but what are they made of?
17:08Gelatin.
17:09Gelatin, yeah.
17:10If you melt them down...
17:11You can make a whale.
17:14A Japanese cryptographer whose name is Tsutomo Matsumoto has found that he can fool 80% of all fingerprint detectors
17:25using a fake finger made from gummy bears.
17:28You get someone's finger, and you dip it in the mold material, and you make a mold, then you pour
17:35the gelatin into the mold, and you've got yourself a little gummy finger.
17:38They do that when you go to America now, they make you do that.
17:41Yes, they do.
17:42So you've got to get the bank manager to put his finger in your gum first.
17:46That was his first thing.
17:47Yes.
17:47Obviously, he was doing it as an experiment, but he's discovered, with the same rate of success, all he has
17:51to do is just take someone's fingerprint photographed off glass.
17:55And you can make a gummy finger.
17:57So they're an unwilling person.
17:59Or...
17:59You can use a monkey.
18:04Well...
18:05They've got fingerprints.
18:06Well, they have, but you have to have the fingerprints that are recognised by the machine.
18:09So, the monkey that runs that particular company that you want to be interested.
18:15Or...
18:16What would happen, though, if you worked in the pineapple industry?
18:19Free pineapples.
18:20You would get free pineapples.
18:21But can you think of anything related to your fingerprints and pineapples?
18:24Well, they get...
18:25You get...
18:25They're quite spiky.
18:27They are spiky, that's true.
18:28The pineapple is the only fruit to have fingerprints.
18:32It...
18:35It has an enzyme, which is called bromelain, because they're bromelian.
18:39They're brads, aren't they?
18:40Pineapples.
18:40And bromelain actually erases and destroys the fingerprints of people who work with pineapples.
18:46It was used as a plot point in an episode of Hawaii Five-0, wouldn't you remember?
18:50Episode one, I should think.
18:52Pineapples would be very good if you've got mouth ulcers.
18:54So that would, I assume, be the same sort of process.
18:58Seizing up your mouth ulcers, removing your fingerprints.
19:00It might be.
19:01Proteolysis, it's called, which is the eating of proteins by enzymes, the digestion of them.
19:07So if I left my fingers in a tin of pineapple rings overnight, I could become a master criminal by
19:14morning.
19:15It's perfectly possible, yes.
19:18You just have five pineapple chunks.
19:20What are you doing?
19:22I'm preparing for the rain.
19:26If you didn't have any fingerprints, would you be allowed into America?
19:30That would mean somebody without any hands wouldn't be allowed.
19:32That would mean there would be no pineapple workers in America.
19:35Yeah.
19:36That way madness lies.
19:38Sure.
19:40Now, what's the best thing to do in a falling lift?
19:44Yes.
19:46Well, strictly speaking, I don't know.
19:47But I'd like to say that I once interviewed a man who had been in a falling lift.
19:52And we were investigating the theory, which I know I'll lose points for if I say it out loud.
19:57That by jumping up just before it hits the ground, you can sort of say...
20:02We were investigating the theory.
20:04Yes, it's very unfair to report to you, though.
20:06He was sort of very deadpan about it, and he had survived this experience.
20:10And he sort of said that maybe jumping up may have helped, but...
20:14What about making everyone else in the lift lie down, so that when you splat on the ground, you're sort
20:20of cushioned by...
20:21This is it. This is more or less what Clive was saying about the thing.
20:24It is basically lie on a fat person as you're going down.
20:29No wonder everyone smiles when I get in it.
20:33What can you get in and have a lie down?
20:37On a long journey, you might do that.
20:39Which I often do.
20:39Sometimes, sometimes they give the rather alarming device to bend your knees slightly,
20:43just so that when you hit the ground your thigh bones don't go up through your abdomen.
20:46But that's pretty unpleasant.
20:48Has this ever happened?
20:49Well, yes and no.
20:51So the rope snaps and you say, would you mind lying down to try to fly off?
20:54You've only got a couple of seconds to think about it.
20:56Well, hurtling to the ground.
20:57First of all, it is a very improbable scenario, because multiple cables support every lift.
21:01Each cable capable of holding the entire lift.
21:04Plus, if they were all to go, they have emergency brakes on them.
21:08And they have had since, you know, the 1850s and 60s.
21:11Don't you think they should tell people that write thrillers about that?
21:14Oh yeah, they don't have strange little vents that you can climb up through, yeah.
21:19What is it when there are people who are frightened of being in lifts?
21:22What are they actually frightened of? Are they frightened of this happening?
21:25Or getting stuck? A kind of claustrophobia.
21:28In a skyscraper, the lift can achieve speeds of up to 120 miles an hour by the time he hits
21:33the bottom.
21:34But the problem with jumping is it might take five miles per hour off this 120 if you did it.
21:38And you'd have to time it perfectly.
21:40Plus, lifts bounce because there are springs at the bottom.
21:43So you'd be in real trouble. You'd bang your head and everything.
21:45So, yeah, basically just get the impact cushioned is the answer.
21:50Now, there was a time when all the cables on the lift were sheared off in the Empire State Building.
21:56Do you know about the story?
21:56Ah, there's a huge ape on the outside.
21:59I've seen it. I've seen it. It's poor. It was covered in...
22:03It was beautiful. It was beautiful.
22:05It was beautiful. It was beautiful.
22:06It was a murder attempt of some sort.
22:09No, it was...
22:10The final act was an aeroplane. A B-25 bomber in 1945 collided with the building in an eerie foreshadowing
22:17of 9-11, I suppose you would say.
22:18In fact, it was the only time before 9-11 such a thing had happened.
22:22Killed 11 office workers and one of the engines broke off and actually sheared through all the cables on a
22:26lift.
22:27There were two women in that lift. The brakes did work and they went all the way down to the
22:31bottom and survived
22:32because they just slowed it, slowed it right down. So it proved Otis's point that, you know, their safety measures
22:38are pretty damn good.
22:39So, there you have it. Yes, the best thing to do in a falling lift is to lie on top
22:43of a fat person like me.
22:44So, to the padded cell of general ignorance where our victims protest that they know nothing but we go ahead
22:50and torture them anyway.
22:52In which country are you most likely to see a tornado?
22:57I spy with my little eyes.
23:00Yes, Adam.
23:01I'm going, er, Russia.
23:03It is not the right answer.
23:07Luxembourg.
23:10Well, I'm stabbing the dog or do you know something?
23:12I know something.
23:13No, it's not right.
23:14Yes.
23:15Derbyshire.
23:17I know it's going to be somewhere like that, isn't it?
23:18It's a country rather than a county.
23:23America.
23:24Oh, Joe!
23:26You fell for it.
23:27I know how to do it.
23:27Yeah.
23:29Mongolia.
23:29Er, no.
23:30Kazakhstan.
23:32I'm going to go for all the stans.
23:33Yes.
23:33Because I'm going to say no to them all.
23:35Not Kazakhstan, not Uzbeki.
23:37Can you give us a clue?
23:38Can you give us a continent?
23:39Yes, we're in it.
23:40Europe.
23:43You're even more in it.
23:45England.
23:45The United Kingdom is the right answer, yes.
23:47Well, hang on then, Stephen.
23:48You've got to back this up.
23:49When did you last see a tornado in the United Kingdom?
23:52It was on the news.
23:53Well, yeah, that's it.
23:54That's it.
23:54On the 21st of November 1981, there were 104 tornadoes in Britain in a single day.
24:0121st of November 1981.
24:03A University of Leeds study in 2004 suggested the actual average number of tornadoes in Britain
24:07is higher than 100 a year, so it's one every three days, roughly.
24:11But meteorologist Dr. Tetsuya Fujita has the scale of tornado frequency and incidence.
24:18If Britain has an average of 33 tornadoes every year, and in fact it's probably more
24:21than that, in an area 38 times smaller than the USA, you are twice as likely to witness
24:27a tornado in the UK than you are in America.
24:29A friend of mine lived through that Birmingham tornado.
24:31Oh, really?
24:31A tornado.
24:32And, erm, that's the following down.
24:35An old lady behind him said to her mate, do you know what happened yesterday?
24:38We had a torpedo.
24:42Torpedo?
24:43Torpedo.
24:44Why torpedo?
24:48Tornado Alley, where's that?
24:51Kansas.
24:52Sorry?
24:52Kansas.
24:53Yeah, it's a number of states.
24:54It's Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, and South Dakota.
24:57It's where the main season of really heavy tornadoes is.
25:00That's a twister.
25:01There.
25:01There.
25:01That's right.
25:02And they're bad.
25:03I mean, obviously they are much worse than, as a rule, than British ones.
25:06It's so bad you can get blown all the way to Oz.
25:08You can!
25:10Exactly!
25:10And not be in capsies anymore.
25:12Yes.
25:12Now, what shouldn't you do for 20 minutes after lunch?
25:17Yes.
25:18High five with my little eyes.
25:19Swim!
25:20Oh!
25:21Oh!
25:23Oh!
25:24Oh!
25:25Oh!
25:25Oh!
25:26I can't believe that.
25:27That's, surely, everybody knows that.
25:29It's a complete myth.
25:30It's slow at cramps.
25:31It's absolute nonsense.
25:33Basically, parents who don't want to supervise their children in swimming pools because they
25:36personally want to go and sleep, probably.
25:38But the fact is that you don't get cramps after eating.
25:40There is no evidence of anybody getting into trouble as a result of eating and swimming
25:44after eating.
25:44What if you dive into the water?
25:45Doesn't your stomach burst apart and your stomach cumbersome?
25:48They say that at school.
25:49Oh!
25:50Yes!
25:50Diving in after a heavy meal.
25:51Splash!
25:52Belly flop!
25:53Oh!
25:53What a log everywhere!
25:54Indeed.
25:54For some reason, it's just something that's popularly held that is absolutely not backed
25:58up by any fact whatsoever that is known to medical science or anything else.
26:03So, that's the answer to that question.
26:04And it brings us to the final reckoning.
26:06And our ace of spies tonight, well, we have two of them.
26:10In joint first place, with five points each, it's Vic and Clive!
26:23And closely shadowing them with four points, Joe Brown!
26:33But I'm afraid with his cover completely blown on minus eight, it's Alan Davis.
26:47Well, that's all from Clive, Vic, Joe, Alan and me.
26:51I leave you with this chilling report of modern espionage recruitment techniques.
26:55Two men and a woman recently made the shortlist for a CIA assassin.
27:00And the first man was taken to a door and told that his wife was in there sitting on a
27:05chair.
27:06And he was given a gun and told to go in and kill her.
27:09And he said, I can't do that.
27:10I cannot kill my wife.
27:11You can ask me to.
27:12And they said, well, then you can't be a hit man for the CIA.
27:15And so, he left.
27:16And the second man was told the same thing.
27:18He went in.
27:19Five minutes passed.
27:20He came out in tears.
27:22Said, I can't do it.
27:23I'm sorry.
27:23I just can't do it.
27:24I can't be a CIA killer.
27:26And then the woman's turn came and they said, this is your final test.
27:29Your husband's in there sitting on a chair.
27:32Here's a gun.
27:33Go in.
27:34Kill him.
27:35She went through the door.
27:36She barely closed the door.
27:37They heard six rounds fired straight away.
27:40And then banging and screaming and shouting and all kinds of noises.
27:43And she came out.
27:45She said, you bastards, you might have told me there were blanks in the gun.
27:48I had to beat him to death with a chair leg.
27:50Good night.
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