- 8 hours ago
First broadcast 19th October 2007.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Jeremy Clarkson
Vic Reeves
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Jeremy Clarkson
Vic Reeves
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, good evening, one and all, and welcome to QI.
00:07Tonight's show is as eclectic as an eclectic eel, and our E theme is no less than everything, or everything
00:15beginning with E.
00:16Anyway, let's meet every one of our guests.
00:19Vic Reed.
00:23Brian Henderson.
00:28Jeremy Clarkson.
00:32And Alan Davis.
00:38Well, as we remember, every good buzzer deserves fun, and Vic goes.
00:50Clive goes.
00:59Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.
01:02Jeremy goes.
01:05Everything is just as bad as it's all.
01:11And Alan goes.
01:14Everything's fine, and I'll tell you, are me, and are you.
01:29That's my best ever buzzer.
01:30That is brilliant.
01:32The great Ethel Merman, I think so.
01:33Don't forget our elephant in the room.
01:35One bonus, however.
01:37Ah, if you spot an elephant, sing out to earn yourself a trunk full of extra points.
01:42Now, the first question.
01:44What's this?
01:47It's going to be an elephant's DNA.
01:53Oh, come on.
01:55What a pity.
01:55No, it isn't.
01:57If I were to tell you, it was methylene dioxy, right?
02:02Methylamphetamine.
02:03MDMA.
02:04A is the right answer.
02:06MDMA, also known as E.
02:07Is E, because it's ecstasy.
02:10I knew that bit.
02:11You knew it.
02:12Did you?
02:14Yes.
02:15Yes, Vic.
02:16I'm under the impression that ecstasy was invented by the Germans in the Second World War as a trofth drug.
02:24And...
02:25I'm going to give you a couple of points.
02:28No, no, no, no, no, they...
02:29They invented it much earlier than the Second World War.
02:31It was in the First World War.
02:33It was a hydrostitine, or a hydrastatine, if you prefer,
02:36which is a drug for binding wounds, drying blood, if you like.
02:41That was its original purpose, not a truth drug at all.
02:43It was there to help wounds heal.
02:45This was the time, it's a thing we've covered before.
02:47It was during the time of what they called the Great Binge.
02:50It appeared from the sort of 1880s up until the First World War,
02:53when everybody was on drugs, seemingly all the time.
02:56And you could go to Fortnum and Mason's at the beginning of the First World War,
02:59and you could order a hamper for your boys at the front,
03:01which included heroin, cocaine, syringes.
03:05It was all legal, and it was all on Mason hampers now,
03:08just sort of pots of such a burrito.
03:12Just to show what fantastic stuff it was,
03:14didn't do any harm, just led to the First World War,
03:16and it just led to millions of people, so it didn't do any harm.
03:18And some of the greatest inventions that the world has ever seen
03:21in that period as well, and some of the greatest literature.
03:23Indeed.
03:24That modernism was born.
03:26So it's not all bad.
03:27The First World War was a blemish.
03:30But other than that...
03:31I thought E was supposed to be given to old people who are depressed.
03:34I thought it was to make music more bearable.
03:38You can only listen to that music when you're on...
03:40Yes, you can't listen to that noise that's playing unless you've had something.
03:44That sort of...
03:45Two days later, on Suicide Tuesday, you can still hear it in your head.
03:50Tell me about Suicide Tuesday.
03:52Well, if you take ecstasy, quite likely, a couple of days later, you'll get rid of it.
03:56So it's the down that you get after the weekend, I see.
03:59Suicide Tuesday.
04:00Very good.
04:00So that's why I don't do it.
04:02And what are the symptoms of taking E?
04:04Do you know, Clive?
04:05I don't know.
04:06I haven't taken myself.
04:07I've given ecstasy.
04:08But if you...
04:12Oh, Clivey, what do I mean?
04:14I've occasionally, in my legal world,
04:16either prosecuted or offended people for it,
04:18but it sort of keeps you awake, doesn't it?
04:20And makes you drink a lot of water until you die.
04:22Is that broadly speaking?
04:23Broadly speaking, what it says on the can.
04:25Yeah, well, exactly.
04:26Feelings of openness, empathy, energy, euphoria, and well-being.
04:30Tactile sensations.
04:31Yeah, you love touching people.
04:31You like to touch, exactly.
04:33Fabulousness.
04:34Fabulousness-ness.
04:35Ecstatic.
04:36Yes, which is to stand outside yourself.
04:38And loved us, man.
04:39Ecstasy.
04:40Loved, as you rightly say, up.
04:42Anyway, the answer was indeed, as you discovered, E or MDMA.
04:46And so do explosions.
04:47What happens if you get a chicken to look after a nuclear bomb?
04:54Yes.
04:56It could hatch the bomb,
05:00thinking that it was a large egg and a member of its family.
05:03Yes.
05:04But near where I live, in Kent,
05:06they invented some kind of nuclear bomb,
05:09which they were going to plant around Germany,
05:12and they had to keep chickens to keep it warm somehow.
05:15You are 100% right.
05:18Like it.
05:19Exactly right.
05:20Brilliant.
05:22Brilliant.
05:23Absolutely.
05:24Yeah, the idea was,
05:26the British army on the Rhine,
05:27in Germany,
05:28in case Russia invaded Germany,
05:30as they saw them coming across the border,
05:32they would bury 10 in different areas
05:35with an eight-day fuse in it,
05:37and then skedaddle,
05:38and by the time the Russians had taken over Germany,
05:40they'd blow up all the different bits of it.
05:42But, unfortunately,
05:43the electronics underground were too cold.
05:46There was no way of keeping them working.
05:48So someone had the idea
05:49that you would put chickens in there
05:51with a week's worth of food
05:53sealed into the bomb,
05:54and just the body heat of the chickens
05:56would be just enough
05:57to keep the electronics working.
05:59I think the answer is free-range missiles.
06:01Hey!
06:04There you go.
06:05I did a programme about chickens once.
06:07Yeah.
06:07Go on.
06:09And afterwards,
06:10I got so fond of them.
06:11I bought quite a lot of them.
06:12Oh.
06:13Yeah, no,
06:13we can talk at length.
06:15Do you like chickens?
06:16We've got lots.
06:17How do you care with foxes?
06:18Well, our foxes,
06:18yeah,
06:19we shoot them.
06:20You do?
06:21Yeah.
06:21Well, we're not allowed to set the dogs on them anymore
06:23because we've got three dogs now.
06:24So one dog would be fine.
06:25Two dogs is illegal.
06:26Three is hunting.
06:27Absolutely not.
06:28I'd be in prison forever.
06:30Because some foxes are like
06:32thingy Charles Bronson,
06:34Great Escape.
06:34They can get under the wire
06:36and in,
06:37and they'll salvage them.
06:38Do you know what?
06:39A great idea for you,
06:40if you've got a chicken hut,
06:42you keep your chicken...
06:43What about...
06:44So your fox goes in there
06:45to look for the chickens.
06:48What about if you put a mirror
06:50at the back of the hut
06:51so the fox goes in
06:52says another fox
06:53and goes,
06:55Your territory,
06:56I'm off.
06:59The one I did do
07:00was I decided
07:01I was going to shoot the fox.
07:02So I thought,
07:03I went to that spy shop
07:04in Mayford.
07:04Have you been there?
07:05Oh yeah, I love that place.
07:06A brilliant shot.
07:07Anyway,
07:07I bought these Russian
07:08night vision goggles.
07:10Oh, it's Russian,
07:10or it's really.
07:11Well, this is Russian.
07:12So I went,
07:12and I thought,
07:13right, fox,
07:13you're going to die.
07:14So I got the thing,
07:16I was sitting there
07:16and the only way
07:17to occupy myself
07:18was with a rather lovely
07:20bottle of Merlot
07:21waiting for...
07:23I was standing in the garden.
07:26This is how the
07:26British Empire was made.
07:27Yes, exactly.
07:29Absolutely.
07:30People with big guns
07:31on the pier.
07:32So I thought,
07:33here it comes.
07:34The other drawback
07:35to a night vision goggle
07:36is you can't attach it
07:37to a 12-bore.
07:37So I had to think,
07:38right,
07:38it's about near that tree.
07:40Put the gun.
07:42Exactly.
07:48And blew my wife's
07:50Scots of Stove
07:50steamer chair
07:51to oblivion.
07:52Even like Russian
07:53night vision goggles
07:54looks exactly
07:55the same as a fox.
07:56She was doing it
07:57at 3 o'clock
07:58in the morning
07:59in the bedroom.
08:00What the f***
08:02are you doing?
08:03I'm like,
08:03I got a fox
08:05and the chairs
08:05all over the go.
08:06I'm very,
08:08very shit
08:08at keeping chickens.
08:11Well, yes,
08:12you might ask
08:13a chicken
08:13to look after
08:14a nuclear bomb
08:15to keep it nice
08:15and warm
08:16and cosy.
08:17A small diversion
08:18into the future
08:19for a moment now
08:20from E to F and G.
08:22What use
08:23is a fainting goat?
08:27I've heard of them
08:28because I've seen
08:28the television version
08:29of this.
08:30It's a breed
08:30or a variety of goat
08:32which falls over
08:33rather suddenly.
08:34When it's nervous.
08:35Well, I think
08:36I can only think
08:37one use for it.
08:37If you were to
08:38dramatise some
08:3919th century novels
08:40but using animals
08:43when the heroine
08:45had to swoon
08:46like that,
08:47you would cast
08:48the goat
08:48to do that.
08:49So that would be
08:50an immediate
08:50and a practical use
08:51for a fainting goat.
08:52But they're just
08:53like a race of goat.
08:55I don't know
08:55what,
08:55like an Anglo-Nubian
08:56only these are
08:56fainting goats.
08:57They're in America
08:58and that's the limit
08:59of my knowledge.
08:59Well, if they faint
09:00when they're nervous
09:01then they would
09:01presumably alert you
09:03to danger
09:03on the perimeter
09:04of your farm.
09:05Perhaps Nazis
09:06were rearing up
09:07over a hillock.
09:08Or wolves attacking
09:09or something like that
09:10or dogs or next door
09:11or next door.
09:12They're extraordinary.
09:13They're called the Tennessee
09:13or myotonic goat.
09:15You keep them
09:16with a flock of sheep
09:17and when the wolf comes
09:18the poor goat
09:19whenever it gets a fright
09:20goes stiff as a board
09:22and just goes over
09:23like that.
09:23so the sheep all escape
09:24and the goat gets eaten
09:26because the goat
09:27is less valuable
09:28than the sheep.
09:29So it's not that
09:30it warns the sheep
09:30it sort of warns the sheep
09:31but it's not much
09:32of a long life
09:33for the goat.
09:34So it takes one
09:35for the team.
09:35It takes one
09:36for the team.
09:37It takes the bullet.
09:37So they actually
09:38do faint with fear.
09:39Do they do that
09:40as they go down?
09:41Yeah.
09:43It's called
09:44myotonia congenitor
09:45and it occurs
09:46in several species
09:46including humans.
09:47It only lasts
09:48about 10 seconds.
09:49It goes as stiff
09:50as a board
09:50then it returns
09:51to normal.
09:52Apparently it's
09:52painless.
09:53Of course there's
09:53humans who suffer
09:54from this at least.
09:55Apparently the older
09:56and more experienced
09:57fainting goats
09:58lean against things
09:59to stop themselves
10:00falling apart.
10:04Somebody hold me up.
10:07It must be quite hard
10:08to become an older
10:09fainting goat.
10:10No, because the wolves
10:12are generally
10:12biting your throat.
10:14That is the problem.
10:15But fainting goats
10:16protect your flock
10:17by swooning
10:18and being eaten
10:18by wolves
10:19while the sheep
10:20make good their escape.
10:21Now, from escapes
10:22to epidemics
10:23tell me about
10:23the jumping French
10:25lumberjacks of Maine.
10:28Are they jumping
10:29lumberjacks?
10:30They do jump.
10:31They jump in the
10:32oddest way.
10:33I mean if you think
10:34the fainting goats
10:35are odd
10:35this condition
10:36is seriously weird.
10:38I did a program
10:39once in Oregon
10:40and it was about
10:41wood and trees
10:42and things
10:42and I wanted to call
10:43the people
10:43who were chopping
10:44the trees down
10:44lumberjacks
10:45and they said
10:45no, no,
10:45we never call
10:46people lumberjacks.
10:47That's a Canadian term
10:48and it's only
10:50they're just
10:50called tree fellers
10:51in America.
10:52So Maine
10:53is in America
10:53isn't it
10:54but on the other side
10:54of the country.
10:55tree fellers
10:55unless they're
10:56poor of them.
10:56Yes, of course.
10:57So I'm just
10:58doubting whether
10:59they're really
10:59lumberjacks in Maine
11:00but obviously
11:01it must be used.
11:01Actually they are
11:02French Canadian
11:03lumberjacks
11:03at Moosehead Lake
11:05which is Maine
11:06is on the border
11:06of Canada.
11:07Is it a condition?
11:08It's a weird condition.
11:10So they switch?
11:12If you say
11:12timber they jump
11:13no, what's really
11:14this is so strange
11:16no, this is so strange
11:17it really is
11:17there are two symptoms
11:19one is
11:19that they obey
11:20any order
11:21that is given
11:23unexpectedly
11:23punch Jeremy
11:24and they would do it
11:26they would just do it
11:26anything you say to them
11:28suddenly out of nowhere
11:29they'd just do it
11:29the other one is
11:31need compulsively
11:32to repeat
11:32foreign phrases
11:35they're French
11:36for goodness sake
11:36they're entitled
11:38to do that
11:38these are lumberjacks
11:40it only affects lumberjacks
11:42it was noted amongst
11:43this community
11:44of lumberjacks first
11:45and people thought
11:46that it was in some way
11:47hereditary
11:47that they'd passed it
11:48on one to the other
11:48through close families
11:49or whatever
11:50but it turns out
11:51that it is actually
11:51psychological
11:52no one's quite sure
11:53about it
11:53and Gilles de la Tourette
11:54was so obsessed
11:56by this
11:56he thought it was so odd
11:57that he went into
11:57the whole field
11:58of discovering conditions
11:59and of course
12:00he discovered the one
12:00to which his name
12:02is now given
12:02Tourette syndrome
12:03what are the
12:05symptoms of Tourette
12:06do you know
12:06the most common ones
12:07I actually saw
12:08the first case
12:09of Tourette
12:10that I ever came across
12:10was in Waterloo
12:12and every morning
12:13I'd hear costamongers
12:14shouting apples
12:16pears
12:16and whatever
12:18costamongers shouted
12:19but there was this bloke
12:21who'd walk down there
12:21going
12:22f*** off
12:25f*** off
12:26I'd never heard of it
12:27he was just head
12:28of British Rail PR
12:33very good
12:34all kinds of
12:36involuntary
12:36tics
12:37and noises
12:37well you're right
12:38the most common
12:39as you say
12:39are motor tics
12:40you know
12:40the spasms
12:41or whatever
12:41and various utterances
12:42phonic tics
12:43as they call it
12:44but in the public
12:44mind is associated
12:45with saying rude words
12:47shall we say
12:47there's echolalia
12:48you know what that is
12:49we must be saying
12:51repeating things
12:52repeating things
12:52yes
12:53repeating things
12:54oh that's
12:56people do that
12:56I've got a friend
12:57who does that
12:58that's so annoying
12:59really annoying
13:00annoying
13:01and he's
13:01the thing is about
13:03is he says
13:04that his mum does it
13:05and it drives him nuts
13:06nuts
13:09I found with him
13:10that I was
13:11deliberately not
13:12but it's a sentence
13:16at the moment
13:16he thought
13:17I was going to
13:19and he ended up
13:20like a two runny sketch
13:23and is it the same thing
13:24as if you mouth the words
13:25whilst you were talking
13:26and I
13:27that's weird
13:28people do that
13:29as well
13:29and there's palaelele
13:30where you repeat
13:31your own words
13:32say things twice
13:33where you repeat
13:33your own words
13:34say things twice
13:35exactly
13:35everything has to have a name
13:37doesn't it
13:37well
13:38yeah
13:39it's not bad
13:41yes it's just
13:42because then
13:43everybody has a label
13:44then I say
13:45I've got a this
13:46and I can't be doing with it
13:47no
13:49it's a lot of truth
13:50that's a thing to object to
13:51isn't it
13:51it is
13:52I don't like to know you're around
13:56I've got a bit of a twitch
13:57and now you're a coprophiliac
14:00there's people who really
14:02dislike names and labels
14:03it's called Clarkson syndrome
14:04yes
14:09I've just been told
14:11on my little screen here
14:12there is a genuine thing
14:13called Clarkson syndrome
14:14ah
14:15and it involves
14:17leaking capillaries
14:21sure you are
14:22oh no
14:26anyway
14:26jumping frenchmen of maine
14:28is a condition
14:29that has afflicted
14:30lumberjacks in maine
14:31but very few other people
14:32it seems
14:32my next question
14:33is about emigration
14:34from 1884 onwards
14:36what was the first
14:37man-made object
14:38that was seen
14:39by immigrants arriving
14:40at new york
14:43it's the statue of enlightenment
14:45of liberty
14:45but it wasn't built
14:46it's the island
14:49I think it's Ellis Island
14:50is it
14:51not Ellis Island
14:53there's an island
14:54before you get to
14:55Liberty Island
14:55or Ellis Island
14:56it's
14:57it's QI Island
14:59one which was placed there
15:00very famous
15:02and you've missed your chance
15:04because it's Coney Island
15:05and it would have been an elephant
15:07the vast man-made elephant
15:08was the first sight
15:10that greeted immigrants
15:10before they could see
15:12even once
15:12there it is
15:14well we were never going to get that
15:15it's a hotel
15:16with 32 rooms
15:18built by a man called
15:19so American knew
15:20what they were letting themselves in
15:21yeah
15:22and that was there
15:23even before the statue of liberty
15:24two years before the statue of liberty
15:25but even after the statue of liberty
15:26you would have seen it before it
15:27so if people were coming there
15:28oh the first thing you would see
15:29is the statue of liberty
15:30it looks different closer
15:34the elephant
15:35doesn't even look female
15:37observation tower's all wrong
15:38rather bizarrely
15:39this man Lafferty
15:40was given a patent
15:41he was the only man
15:41allowed to make
15:42animal-shaped buildings
15:43for 17 years
15:46he needed to worry
15:47really did he
15:48well he did burn down
15:50then he had another one
15:50which still lasted
15:51and is the largest elephant
15:52in the world
15:53called Lucy
15:54but it was also a brothel
15:55this hotel
15:56you can see it
15:56and he gave rise to
15:58a common expression
15:59going to see the elephant
16:01in New York
16:01which meant
16:02you know
16:02you can go to see
16:03a lady of easy virtue
16:05it was entirely a brothel
16:06not entirely a brothel
16:08but it was a pretty sleazy
16:08I mean Coney Island
16:09was a pretty sleazy place
16:10my family went over to America
16:12in the 19th century
16:13what was the first thing they saw
16:14when they got there?
16:17that elephant
16:17and my grandmother moved
16:20directly in there
16:21onto the fourth floor
16:28but no no
16:29I went to Ellis Island
16:30and I actually
16:30the amount of names
16:32you would not believe
16:33when you go through that list
16:34because I try to find
16:35my relatives' names
16:37and it's just
16:37it's impossible
16:38there's billions of names there
16:40so I fled
16:42and then most interestingly
16:43just around the bottom
16:45there
16:45by the Statue of Liberty
16:47my wife
16:48had a hot dog
16:49ripped from her lips
16:51by a seagull
16:54but do you know what
16:55she had it in for me
16:56for the rest of the day
16:56and I never really understood that
16:59like I was commanding the seagull
17:02it's a man's job
17:03to protect his bitch
17:04from seagulls
17:06but the first thing
17:07that immigrants saw
17:08in America
17:09was a giant elephant-shaped brothel
17:11which must have seemed
17:11promising on so many levels
17:14now who invented
17:15the multiple choice exam
17:17well perhaps
17:18I can help
17:19by giving you
17:20a multiple choice
17:20was it
17:21A
17:21the ancient Greeks
17:22B
17:23the American army
17:24C
17:25the blue whale
17:26or D
17:26can I have a 50-50 please
17:28Steve
17:30Steve
17:33Steve
17:34Steve
17:34do you not like Steve
17:36can I have a 50-50 please
17:38alright
17:38computer
17:39take away
17:40two random wrong answers
17:42leaving the right answer
17:43and one random wrong answer
17:45I think that's what he says
17:46isn't it
17:47yes
17:47what do we think then
17:49well
17:49I have in the back of my mind
17:51that it was the American army
17:51but obviously the ancient Greeks
17:53if they got there first
17:54they usually have invented
17:55everything
17:55they did didn't they
17:56so which you're going to go for
17:57okay
17:58let's ask everybody
18:00alright
18:00I'm going to ask the audience
18:01should we get
18:03hands up
18:03who wants to go
18:05show of hands for Greeks
18:06show of hands for Greeks
18:07that's quite a lot
18:08show of hands for the American army
18:10well you're all going up to Iraq
18:11to join it
18:13you've just been
18:14the American army
18:15beat the ancient Greeks
18:17the American army is the right
18:19yes
18:20well done
18:21well done audience
18:22well done audience
18:25yeah no the fact is
18:26it was the American army
18:27when do you imagine the American army
18:291940s
18:29I think
18:30I think it was
18:30they were trying to recruit people
18:31for a war
18:32it was the first world war
18:33yeah
18:34they were trying to recruit people
18:35very very quickly
18:35and it was a speedy way
18:36of doing the exam
18:37yep
18:38absolutely
18:38do you like or dislike
18:40the Germans
18:43like a lot
18:44are you prepared to shoot
18:46shoot people
18:46blow them up
18:47or all the above
18:48apparently one of the genders
18:49is better at multiple choice type tests
18:52than the other
18:52which would it be
18:53girls are better than boys
18:54or boys are better than girls
18:55girls are better than boys
18:57no boys are better
18:58always a much better
18:58boys are better
18:59multiple choice
19:00we're all right there
19:00we can't multitask
19:01drive
19:02have sex
19:03talk properly
19:03so we can choose
19:05but we can choose
19:11I guess we're just lucky
19:13I have it on good authority
19:15that we're also shallow
19:15and insensitive
19:16yep
19:18we choose to be shallow
19:19yes
19:20I shallow
19:21or be insensitive
19:23Chinese driving tests
19:25have a written exam
19:26in multiple choice format
19:27apparently
19:27here are some of the questions
19:29that you might get asked
19:30if you wanted to apply
19:31for it
19:31I don't know what I said
19:39but I meant it
19:41drivers should
19:42A
19:43deliberately underestimate
19:44each other
19:45B
19:46compete for road supremacy
19:49C
19:49learn and help each other
19:51adopt one strong point
19:52while overcoming one's weak point
19:54and keep safely driving
19:58if you've come across
19:59a road accident victim
20:00whose intestines
20:00are lying in the road
20:02should you
20:03pick them up
20:05and push them back in
20:06yes or no
20:07yes
20:08and other such questions
20:10and who are the most dangerous
20:11cars driven by
20:12in the world
20:13or are we talking
20:14men or women
20:15children
20:15babies or dogs
20:16nationality
20:17the most dangerous cars
20:18are green apparently
20:19and driven by the Chinese
20:20called tanks
20:21yeah
20:24very good
20:27anyway
20:28multiple choice examinations
20:30were invented
20:30as a way of testing
20:32US army recruits
20:33in world war one
20:33now then
20:34that brings us
20:34of course rapidly
20:35to the place
20:36where everything
20:36is not what it seems
20:38the shadowy
20:39netherworld
20:39of general ignorance
20:40so fingers on buzzers
20:42now
20:42what is
20:43house dust
20:44mostly composed of
20:45every name
20:48skin
20:49no
20:50no
20:52it's a myth
20:53I'm afraid
20:54it's a myth
20:55rust
20:55rust
20:56rust
20:57I don't think
20:58mostly of rust
20:59no
20:59well if you live
21:00in an iron house
21:01yes
21:01like me
21:02that's just
21:03animals
21:04insects
21:05yeah
21:06bits of
21:07bits of
21:07smashed badgers
21:10smashed badgers
21:13dust
21:14dust mites
21:14you didn't really say
21:15dust mites
21:15you didn't really say dust mites
21:15I said
21:16clive said
21:16clive said
21:18clive said
21:19the camera was on
21:21jeremy
21:21i said nothing
21:22i said
21:23i said
21:24you sneak
21:25i said dust
21:26dust mites be the sort of stuff
21:28you find in your hearts
21:29but it doesn't combine
21:32well the fact is what
21:34vic said is actually pretty true
21:35that it obviously varies from country to country
21:37house to house
21:37even room to room as well as varying by season
21:40and in response to lifestyles
21:42whether you have a pet in other words and things like that
21:44how often you clean
21:45whether you open the windows a lot
21:46but generally speaking you will find
21:48soil, sand, pollen, soot, brick, concrete dust
21:50clothing, carpet fibers, fungal spores, plant parts
21:53dried cells of animal hair, skin and feathers
21:55cigarette and wood smoke
21:56dust mites eventually
21:57bits of dead insects
21:58rat and mouse droppings
21:59industrial pollutants, pesticides, tiny bits of plastic
22:01pvc and vinyl
22:02flour and crumbs
22:03and good old fashioned dirt
22:05so no smashed badgers then
22:07not one
22:09how much of it is skin
22:11a small percentage apparently
22:13mattress manufacturers like to put around the idea
22:15that half the weight of a mattress
22:17is made up of dead mites and skin
22:19and other detritus
22:20it's absolutely nonsense
22:21they're making it up
22:21yeah
22:22well people trying to sell you things
22:23while making up stuff
22:24who would have believed it
22:26anyway moving on
22:27very little house dust
22:28is in fact made of human skin
22:29it's mostly good old dirt
22:31and grit
22:31now talking of that
22:32what would you find right in the middle of a pearl
22:37yes
22:37an oyster
22:39no
22:39you'd find an oyster in the middle of a pearl
22:45nothing
22:46a bit of grit
22:47a bit of grit
22:48piece of sand
22:52no not true
22:53there's strange things about oysters really that we get it all wrong
22:56you get pulse from mussels, clams, welts, conches, abalones and snails as well as oysters
23:00but it's nearly always an organic thing like a nematode worm which is burrowed through the shell and then died
23:06and it's around that that the pearl is formed not grit or sand
23:09so when they artificially do them do they put in a bit of sand or do they put in a
23:13nematode worm
23:14no they put a polished fragment of shell and then a piece of the mantle tissue from another pearl oyster
23:18that's the flap that covers its organ so it is an organic skill
23:21the flap that covers its organ
23:22yes
23:22okay
23:23it covers its internal bits
23:25now there are fish restaurants in london you may have been to one which says that if you find a
23:29pearl in your oyster you can keep it
23:31what is the largest pearl that's been found in under such circumstances
23:35is it the size of the world cup
23:36no
23:38the moon that big
23:39no none
23:39the point is none
23:40no one's ever found it
23:41no edible oyster gives pearls
23:43it has something to do with another thing
23:45no it doesn't
23:45no the point is the kind of oysters you eat never produce pearls
23:49it's a completely different species
23:52so they put it there to try and excite you i suppose
23:53the world's largest pearl however was found in what animal
23:57it was some sort of garden snail i dare say
24:00no it was it was a giant clam
24:01very good it was a giant clam
24:03i've seen a giant clam
24:05have you put your foot in one
24:06no
24:07i did
24:08it's the stupidest thing i've ever done
24:12i was so good i wonder what would happen if you put your foot in that
24:14and it's got a sort of velvety soft rather comfortable place to be stuck
24:21doesn't it start ingesting it and squirting enzymes at your foot and
24:25i was more worried by the meter saying how much air i had left in the tanks
24:29ah
24:30aren't you supposed to have a buddy when you dive isn't that what they're called
24:33oh i did i was my wife she'd bug it off
24:36the point is that pearls are normally the sarcophagi of nematode worms
24:41pearl divers as you may know use glass bottomed boats to hunt for oyster beds
24:45but how would a glass bottom keep you out of the army
24:49everything i do
24:51i don't know the answer to this but i
24:53i know how you keep out the nape
24:54wait a minute i'm gonna answer it
24:57it's the thing about the shilling in the tankard
25:00or the king shilling
25:01the shilling in the tankard
25:04oh what a shame
25:05you were thinking of the wrong force
25:08you were thinking of that weren't you there
25:09is it fragile arse syndrome
25:16yes the fact is a glass bottomed tankard
25:18there is a myth that they had glass bottoms
25:20to stop people putting the
25:22yeah they give you a drink
25:23if you've taken the king's shilling
25:26you had to be in the navy
25:27and it's just not true
25:28it's really weird
25:29it's been pretty harsh
25:30you can get a wangly way out of that
25:31i mean just because a shilling happened to be in the bottom of your beer
25:34exactly
25:34you're absolutely right
25:35your lawyer's mind has keenly got to the bottom of the argument
25:38but there's not always the legal arguments false way in the 18th century
25:42well no but if you recruited using trickery
25:45you would be court-martialed
25:47and a signature on mark is required
25:48plus there was a four day cooling off period
25:50so if someone was impressed or they felt impressed
25:53they had four days in which they said now i've changed my mind
25:55by which time they're virtually in the bay of biscay
25:57well there's a possibility
25:59but no this idea that just by taking a shilling without your consent
26:03you could be forced into service
26:04they did so we haven't got the answer yet
26:05we're still looking for
26:06no the fact is there is no basis for it
26:09it was just in order to trap alan and i'm afraid
26:12i'm sorry i'm sorry it was cheap and wicked
26:15what's the best colour of clothing to wear in a hot climate
26:20yes
26:20yes black
26:23black
26:23yes
26:23and that's what you're talking about
26:25is that
26:26great as well
26:28logically though i dare say it'll come up here
26:29you want something light
26:31because it then reflects the light
26:32so what would be the best colour then?
26:34white
26:34white
26:34well i'm going to say white and you're going to go
26:35woo
26:38it's like being in with a detective sergeant
26:41yeah
26:43silver
26:45silver
26:45silver might be quite good actually
26:46tin foil
26:47silver i'm going silver
26:48silver might be good
26:49the fact is that all colours seem to be the same in the desert
26:51from all experiences they've done
26:52black is not bad as many people might do in
26:55the bedouins as you rightly say
26:57they do wear black
26:58they do wear black
26:58some people put forward the argument that black might be best
27:01because it's hottest around the bottom and the convection would cause cool air to rise
27:05but no one has really demonstrated that
27:07the fact is
27:08it doesn't really matter what colour you wear as long as you look cool
27:11er
27:12which brings us to the scores tonight
27:14everything's coming up roses
27:16for vic reeves
27:18no
27:18on number 6 in the lead
27:20wow
27:22but everything's coming up an even cheaper brand of chocolates
27:26for alan davies on minus 24 in second place
27:32in third place
27:34just with minus 25 clive alderson
27:37oh
27:40but everything's going to hell in a bonham carter
27:44for jeremy clarkson on minus 30
27:55so it's every good wish from clive vick jeremy allen and me
27:59and i would go along with steven wright who says you can't have everything
28:04after all where would you put it
28:06goodnight
28:06great
28:07s
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