- 1 day ago
First broadcast 7th December 2007.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Jo Brand
Sean Lock
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Jo Brand
Sean Lock
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and God rest ye merry gentle
00:06viewers. Tonight QI is going to the Dickens with E for Empire. In the old curiosity shop we have great
00:14expectations of Joe Brand.
00:20Our mutual friend, Sean Lock. That witty chuzzle Martin, Bill Bailey. And getting his knickers in one null of a
00:38twist, Alan Davis.
00:43Really well done.
00:46Well, it's nearly Christmas, so let's hear some carols. Bill goes.
00:51Kick the balls with thumbs on a poly.
00:59Lovely. Joe goes.
01:01The poly and the ivy, when they are both new grown.
01:07Sean goes.
01:09King of everything I'm lying and the bells are ringing.
01:15And Alan goes.
01:17Oh, Carol.
01:19I am the one.
01:21Just not trying.
01:25So, don't forget to keep your eyes and ears peeled for an elephant in the room.
01:30Oh, yeah.
01:32If you see one, then you're looking at one big Christmas bonus.
01:36So, to our first question. What did Queen Victoria think of Mr. Bean?
01:44Yes.
01:45We are not amused.
01:48Oh, ho, ho, ho.
01:54So, so.
01:55So, so.
01:56Albert would have liked it because it's German and the Germans are mad for Bean.
02:01That's true.
02:02I was on the Lufthansa flight once and everyone was howling with laughter all around me with headphones in.
02:07I couldn't understand why and I looked and they were all watching Bean.
02:10Yeah.
02:11Love it.
02:11There's a certain efficiency about it.
02:13He does something and falls over.
02:15It's very amusing.
02:18Before, he was walking in the straight lines and he walked into the door.
02:21Genius.
02:23This is what happens when you print the rules.
02:28Sometimes I stay out very late.
02:33Can I take this off?
02:34Of course you can.
02:35Of course you can take it off old thing.
02:36Yes.
02:37Is it uncomfortable?
02:38It's Sean Locke.
02:41I suspect it's not that Mr. Bean.
02:43No.
02:44Is there another Mr. Bean?
02:45It was a man called John Bean.
02:47Who was one of three people who tried to do something to Queen Victoria just in the fourth year of
02:51her reign when she was a very slip of a thing.
02:53Take her roughly behind the bike shed.
02:55Yes.
02:57No.
02:58Or indeed invent the bicycle and then invent the shed.
03:02Sell her tea towels door to door.
03:04Kiss.
03:04Kiss her on the mouth.
03:06Quite the other.
03:07Oh.
03:07Oh, well.
03:16Is that a request?
03:18Is it crazy?
03:20If you're the Queen, you can get anything done, can't you really?
03:23You there.
03:23Kiss me on.
03:24All right.
03:25You're not just kissing someone who's a friendly at these, these were unfriendly.
03:28Surely he didn't turn down her advances with knockers like this.
03:32Oh, no.
03:32Oh, gee.
03:33Kicked her in the shins.
03:34No, three times in 1842 they tried to assassinate her, tried to kill her.
03:38And there was one called Mr. Bean who had a gun and he filled it with wads of tobacco, which
03:43didn't really do much harm.
03:44Because you're trying to give her cancer.
03:48I'd like the idea of Mr. Bean trying to assassinate someone by clumsiness.
03:53Just, you know, making a cup of tea and it just, the whole house collapses the palace full.
03:57Everywhere he goes, it's basically a sort of tornado of disaster, isn't it?
04:00Mayhem.
04:01I went in a remote Australian sheep station once and the bloke went, yeah, you ever watch that Mr. Bean?
04:06I go, yeah.
04:07And he goes, that bloke's a bloody idiot.
04:13There he goes, yeah, he wouldn't last five minutes in the bush.
04:19Well, no, clearly not.
04:20There you are.
04:22There all are these sort of carry-on names.
04:24There was one foiled by a PC trance.
04:27Hence the name after that.
04:29Maybe.
04:29Perhaps it was.
04:30He invented the trance.
04:31The trance.
04:31I trance your assassination attempt with my trancing stick.
04:37Another assassin called John Francis was described by Prince Albert as a thorough scamp.
04:42A thorough scamp.
04:44A thorough scamp.
04:44Well, so someone tried to assassinate his wife and he said, you're a scamp.
04:48A thorough scamp.
04:49A thorough scamp.
04:50A thorough scamp.
04:50Oh, yeah, yeah.
04:51Tough.
04:52Seven years was the maximum for trying to assassinate the Queen in those days.
04:55Really?
04:55Yeah.
04:56The line, we are not amused, was reported in the notebooks of a spinster lady published in 1919.
05:03But she had a childish sense of humour.
05:04In fact, she was amused by lots of things.
05:06Yeah, but especially the little crowns.
05:07She liked them.
05:08She loved little crowns.
05:10So, anyway, yes, Queen Victoria took a rather dim view of John Bean,
05:13one of the many people who tried to assassinate her early in her reign.
05:17What was Queen Victoria's, what was Victoria's secret?
05:20What was Victoria's...
05:21She was a deadly secret.
05:22A man.
05:23She had a deadly secret.
05:24Well, no, she wasn't a man.
05:25She had a heat load of snooker balls in a sock.
05:29Under there.
05:30Then he won't give her a kick off.
05:33That's a wonderful idea.
05:35Was she just sort of poisonous or something?
05:37She killed someone?
05:38Well, indirectly, not meaning to, of course.
05:41There was something about her that was not exactly infectious.
05:45She's an alien.
05:45No.
05:46She was a carrier.
05:47Carrier of...
05:48Oh, hemophilia.
05:49She was a carrier of hemophilia.
05:51And so infected every single royal house in Europe.
05:54All the royal houses of Europe have had hemophiliacs.
05:56Most have had hemophiliac deaths.
05:58Her own son, Prince Leopold, died of hemophilia.
06:01Only women can carry it but can't be hemophiliac.
06:04Except under very strange circumstances where their mother is a carrier
06:07and their father is a hemophiliac.
06:09But usually, it's the men in the family.
06:11Yeah, we like that.
06:12Yeah.
06:13Our favourite illness.
06:15Number one.
06:15New hemophilia.
06:17Oh!
06:19It's a defective X chromosome, in fact, that causes it.
06:22Her daughter, Alice, Princess of Saxe-Coburg, married and had a daughter, Alexandra,
06:27who was the Tsarina of Russia.
06:29And many people believe it precipitated the Russian Revolution.
06:32The fact that, therefore, her son, Tsarevich, Alexei, was a hemophiliac.
06:36And that's what got Rasputin involved in the royal family.
06:39And that enraged so many people that, in the force of the revolution, gathered.
06:43So, maybe, if Queen Victoria had not been hemophiliac,
06:45there wouldn't have been a 1917 revolution.
06:47Was he the lover of the Russian Queen?
06:49Oh, rah, rah!
06:50Rah, rah, rah, Rasputin!
06:53Well, they say he was.
06:54Russia's greatest love machine.
06:55Certainly.
06:57That's where I love my history.
06:58When we come in many years' time, when we're all in our dotage,
07:02we come to the letter R, we'll cover Rasputin.
07:04But it was pretty extraordinary, his life.
07:06And his death was even more extraordinary, wasn't it?
07:08They poisoned him, they shot him, they drowned him in the lake,
07:11and he still wouldn't die.
07:12He was very...
07:12He was still singing that bloody song.
07:13He was still singing that bloody song.
07:16Yeah.
07:17And then, eventually, the red light in his eye just flickered and went...
07:20That's it, exactly.
07:21She was finally...
07:22I should die.
07:23He was.
07:36What's Bill doing?
07:37I can't move my head.
07:47What's Bill doing?
07:51I can't move my head.
07:52You're very honoured.
07:53Actually, this collar's pushing out.
07:55It's starting to hurt my ears, yeah.
07:57It's all pushing out.
07:58It's going to have sore under ears later.
08:00Your ears are very big.
08:01They're showing off for their full majesty in that outfit, I have to say.
08:05You're going bald.
08:06Yeah.
08:10Really, children.
08:10I was trying to pay him a compliment.
08:13Where's that coming from?
08:15You've got big ears.
08:15You've got big ears.
08:17I've got big ears.
08:18I know I've got big ears.
08:19You've got big ears.
08:19You've got big ears.
08:19Like a pork butcher for the 1950s.
08:23Stop on me.
08:25Now, children, we must be a Christmas spirit.
08:27Come on.
08:28Geez, don't.
08:28Remember the date.
08:30But one of the theories that has been put forward is the oddity of the fact that until her son
08:35died of haemophilia,
08:36there'd be no haemophilia in the Hanover family or her family at all.
08:39So, either one of her parents had a one in 50,000 gene mutation,
08:46or she was the illegitimate daughter of a haemophilia.
08:51So...
08:52I'm looking forward to next week's Heat magazine.
08:54Yeah.
08:56Oh, yeah.
08:59Absolutely.
09:01They're going to go crazy with that little tidbit, aren't they?
09:05Yes.
09:06Queen Victoria was responsible for the fact that all the royal families of Europe carry the gene for haemophilia.
09:11Now, at last, you may think, in the E-series, we've finally come to a question that you've all been
09:16waiting for on erotica.
09:18Oh.
09:19What kind of behaviour was forbidden in the secret museum of pornography?
09:24Flash photography.
09:25Flash photography.
09:27Very good.
09:28Was it fisting?
09:28Hm.
09:32Three innocent little words that somehow...
09:34I'm sorry.
09:35Was it fisting?
09:37Queen Victoria just said, was it fisting?
09:41I would like to know, was it fisting?
09:45From what I know of myself, Queen Victoria was well up for it, wasn't she?
09:50She was, she was.
09:51She had about 28 children.
09:52She had a lot of children.
09:53When she was a young girl, she was full of laughter and fun and loved dancing and music and was
09:57quite sporty.
09:58And, er, yeah, she wrote saucy letters sometimes.
10:01I mean, not saucy, but, I mean, you know, she showed she had a twinkle in her eye occasionally, I
10:05suppose.
10:06Who's Frank Mampard looking at through that keyhole?
10:10Is that how you view the museum of pornography?
10:13Not...
10:14No, to be honest.
10:14Tiny, tiny museum.
10:16Put it into a keyhole.
10:19As we go through...
10:20the keyhole.
10:26You can't do many, but they're good.
10:30So, to come back to the museum of pornography.
10:33There's something that's forbidden that...
10:34No school trips.
10:35No.
10:37Well...
10:37It was opened in, er, Naples.
10:40You can't have your packed lunch and eat the dildos, kids.
10:44It's got to be something to do with Catholicism or the Mafia.
10:47Not that, actually.
10:48What were they discovering round about the early part of the 19th century?
10:51In Naples, Pompeii.
10:52They were excavating Pompeii.
10:54And they discovered, the first thing they...
10:55Almost everything they discovered about Pompeii was pornographic.
10:58The first thing they found was a great statue of Pan shagging a goat.
11:02And then the whole thing is festooned with filthy graffiti, disgusting...
11:06Absolute filth.
11:07You know, graffiti just saying about,
11:09Ericus has the biggest knob in Pompeii,
11:11and then someone writes underneath,
11:12it's not as big as my brother's and someone else's.
11:14I mean, just everything.
11:15It's clearly a sexually vibrant place.
11:17It's not as crude in Latin, is it?
11:18It's somehow not.
11:19It doesn't matter, you go,
11:20Oh, Grover.
11:22I've just written, wank.
11:25Or they...
11:26Wankacetum.
11:27Yeah.
11:28Yeah, so they've got all the sexy stuff as they saw it,
11:31and put it into a museum of pornography.
11:34I have a look at some of the most lovely buttocks ever committed to marble.
11:38It's known as the Venus Calipigos, the Venus with the beautiful bottom.
11:41That is a very nice answer.
11:43Yes, yes.
11:44You and I, no expert on the female anatomy would say that is a very beautiful bottom.
11:48She's looking around, you are going to put a whole load of clothes around there, aren't you,
11:52when you finish this?
11:54What's that?
11:54Did she come out of the toilet and not notice her skirt's caught in her ear?
12:02Yeah.
12:03According to Dr. David Holmes, who's a psychology lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University,
12:06there is a formula to describe the beauty of a bottom.
12:09Is there?
12:09Yeah.
12:10It is S plus C times B plus F all over T minus V.
12:15Does that mean nice-ass shame about your face?
12:18It almost looks to be good.
12:20S stands for overall shape, C is circularity, B is bounciness, F is firmness, T is skin texture,
12:31and V is the ratio of hips to waist.
12:33It sounds like a right old curve, doesn't it?
12:35It does a bit.
12:36I've just been noticing your bottom, and I've done some sums.
12:41I have to say.
12:43Did you not crack the floor really?
12:45Mathematically, yeah.
12:48Absolutely perfect.
12:50Well, there you are, and that's bottoms for you,
12:52and what you weren't allowed to do, you haven't told me yet.
12:55Oh, comment on them, become aroused.
12:58Well, arouse a walk.
13:00Say anything.
13:01Laugh.
13:02Laugh.
13:03If you laughed, you were rejected, that's the point.
13:05You're supposed to take a serious scholarly appreciation of this as antiquity,
13:09and if you either laughed or became aroused.
13:12Yes.
13:13You're laughing.
13:14You're laughing.
13:15And the biggest stiffer cock is not funny.
13:18It's not the funny, all right?
13:19You?
13:20You're smiling, you're gonna laugh now?
13:22No!
13:24Anyway, even today, you can't go to that.
13:27It was bricked up in the later 19th century, the pornography museum part of it.
13:31It's still there in Naples, but you have to get a special permit, and you can only go in with
13:35a guide.
13:35But the fact is, anyway, to return to our theme, that the secret museum of erotica contained all the smutty
13:40stuff from Pompeii that you weren't allowed to laugh at it.
13:44That's the point.
13:44So, um, why was it easier to put your boots on in the dark between 1600 and 1800?
13:51Well, people's eyes were better with the dark, weren't they?
13:54Because there weren't so much electric light.
13:55People were actually like owls, weren't they?
13:57Big eyes.
13:58We were a lot shorter then.
13:58We had massive eyes.
14:01It was easier to put your boots on in 1600 than it was in 1400, though.
14:06Why is that?
14:06Zips.
14:08No.
14:10Was there a big drop in boot thieves around 1600?
14:14They were luminous.
14:15They were luminous.
14:16Well, they were both the same.
14:17They were both the same.
14:18Well done, Joe Brand.
14:20That's exactly it.
14:20There were no lefts or rights for those 200 years.
14:23So, it didn't matter which one you picked up, you could just put your boots on.
14:26Before that, you had lefts and rights in boots.
14:28And then, after that, you had lefts and rights, as we do to this day.
14:32What prompted the sun?
14:33Well, it was heels, you see, because they couldn't really make heeled boots in a left and right shape.
14:40It was just too difficult.
14:41But that's the reason.
14:42So, in the dark, you could just shove on whichever boot came first and know that it wouldn't matter.
14:46Did it go...
14:47Did it extend to the whole...
14:48The whole...
14:49Well, the whole...
14:50Of China.
14:50Left and right.
14:51There was no left and right in anything.
14:53They just abandoned left...
14:53The notion of left and right.
14:54Although, I don't...
14:55Yes, in...
14:56For 200 years.
14:57Where is it?
14:58Up there.
14:58I don't know.
14:59Yeah, we have an expert who'd been telling us about this, who comes from a place called the Northampton Museum
15:05and Art Gallery.
15:06And Rebecca Shawcross is the shoe heritage officer.
15:09And we...
15:10She gave us all this information.
15:11She's an officer of shoe heritage.
15:13Shoe heritage officer.
15:15Does she get to carry a gun?
15:16I hope so.
15:17I would imagine.
15:18I'm sure she would.
15:19Keswick Pencil Museum.
15:20That's...
15:21That's pretty good.
15:22Is it in Keswick?
15:23Yeah, it's great.
15:24Two B's and two H's and everything in between.
15:27Exactly.
15:27Yeah, and there's places you can draw and...
15:29Oh, that's brilliant.
15:30Yeah.
15:32In Reykjavik, there's a penis museum.
15:35There is one.
15:36I'm not making it up.
15:37Whose penises do they have in there?
15:39I'm not...
15:42A blue whale?
15:43Yeah.
15:43A blue whale's penis?
15:44Yeah.
15:45It's different species, exactly.
15:46That's the point.
15:47Yeah.
15:47How about if Bjork's got anything to do with it?
15:50She does the audio commentary as we're going around.
15:54Yeah.
15:55Yeah.
16:01And then you see a penis, and then she goes...
16:05Ah!
16:06Ah!
16:06Ah!
16:09Well, um...
16:10Yeah.
16:10For 200 years...
16:14For 200 years and for 200 years only, really, left boots were exactly the same as right boots.
16:19Now, what are these?
16:21Hmm?
16:21What are they?
16:23Oh...
16:24These are...
16:24They poached art darlings.
16:26Wait a minute!
16:26Wait a minute!
16:26Ah!
16:27Ah!
16:30Ah!
16:32You've got the elephant.
16:34Absolutely right.
16:35Yeah, the hell, I said elephant and I didn't wave my elephant.
16:37Yeah, I think we may be kind.
16:38I could never get it right.
16:39As it's Christmas, we'd be kind to Tiny Tim.
16:43Is that just after the elephant was frightened?
16:46John told his boots!
16:49Why have they got shoes for an elephant?
16:50Because they're very sensitive in captivity.
16:53Elephants, especially elephants at work or in circuses and things like that.
16:56They could get terrible abrasions on a soft underbar.
16:58They have rather soft areas under there.
17:00But I've never ever seen an elephant with any shoes on.
17:03Would you like to?
17:04Yeah.
17:04I would like to.
17:05Well, I'll show you.
17:06There is, in fact...
17:07Joe, how can you turn that down?
17:09The shoes?
17:11Would they be difficult to put on?
17:12Would the elephant be quite, you know...
17:14They would have been much easier to put on between 1,400 and 1,600.
17:23E.G.
17:24They were tailor-made.
17:25Each one was made specifically for each particular foot of each particular elephant.
17:30There you are.
17:32And now, joy to the world!
17:33Tis the season to deck the halls with general ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, if you please.
17:38Let's start with a cover-up.
17:39Why did Victorians put covers on the legs of pianos?
17:44Joe got that first.
17:46Because they thought they were too rude to listen.
17:49Almost.
17:51Almost the words we have in mind.
17:54Exactly.
17:54So, in case they're warped.
17:57Kind of that, to protect them is the answer, yes.
17:59This idea that Victorians were prudish about piano legs or furniture legs is actually nonsense.
18:05What's quite interesting about their whole piano leg thing is that Victorians laughed at Americans
18:09because they thought Americans were prudish and that it was an American thing to cover piano legs out of modesty.
18:15Because Americans aren't extremely Puritans.
18:16Well, they were founded by Puritans in some ways, the culture, wasn't it?
18:19I mean, they changed words like titbit to tidbit, because it's, you know?
18:24It's bottom to fanny, strangely.
18:27So the point is that the Victorians never covered piano legs at all.
18:31At least, just to protect them from being damaged, if they did.
18:34Why did the Victorians legislate against male homosexuality, but not against lesbians?
18:39Oh.
18:44Whoa!
18:46Whoa!
18:47Whoa!
18:47That's, uh...
18:49Thank you, and we can...
18:51Moving on, moving on.
18:53Why...
18:53Why...
18:54Oh, dear.
18:54Why, um...
18:55Why didn't they legislate against lesbianism in the same thing?
18:58Yes.
19:00Because I, Queen Victoria, simply didn't believe that women got up to such scurrilous activities.
19:10Hmmmmm....
19:11Yes.
19:12It's not really going right for them, aren't you?
19:16Happy Christmas to me.
19:19You know, the fact is, there's no truth in that.
19:21Odd rumour that Queen Victoria had them cut out any reference to lesbism,
19:25because she thought it didn't exist. Even if she questioned the law, she would have
19:29sparked virtually a revolution. She had no power whatsoever to have any influence on
19:33any legislation. It would have been completely unthinkable. Do you know the name of the law?
19:38It was in 1885. It was called the La Bouchere Amendment. The first famous case of anybody
19:45being sentenced under the La Bouchere Amendment was Oscar Wilde, who got two years hard labor.
19:50And in fact, the judge said that you have been the center of a circle of corruption
19:54of young men is impossible to doubt. This is the worst case I have ever tried. It's
19:59my duty to censor you to two years at hard labor. The maximum the law allows, in my opinion,
20:04nothing like enough. And a week earlier, he said this is the worst case I'd ever tried.
20:08A week earlier, he'd tried a case of child murder. Right, that's the kind of attitude they had
20:14been. Was he saying he was at Closet? He may have been. But it was an extraordinary thing.
20:20Of course, the Wilde case obviously precipitated an immense change in British cultural life
20:25in many ways. Soldiers, like your good self, used to walk arm in arm in Hyde Park. They
20:29had done for 100 years. Men would walk arm in arm or arms linked, as they do in the continent
20:34still. And as soon as the Wilde case came up, everyone, just men stood exactly, never touching
20:39each other. And there was a whole different way of behaving like that. That's because
20:42that right used to nick my medals. I used to have hundreds of medals and the other one.
20:49Got that one? Yeah. And that was from Equality Street, Tim. Legislation against lesbianism seems
20:56never to have been considered. Certainly, Victoria would have had no power to block it, had it
21:00been. You would have noticed that there is that rare thing that we're enjoying at the moment,
21:04and that's a Christmas show that hardly mentions Christmas. We've had the odd mention of it,
21:07but I want to know what Winterville is. Does Winterville mean anything to you? Have you heard
21:12of it? Yes.
21:15Political correctness gone mad!
21:17Oh, I don't believe it! I can't believe it! Two brands!
21:30This is a special note, if you get every one of these.
21:33This should be!
21:34When you say there's a degree, you'll avoid.
21:36But, er, no. It's this typically British thing. I guarantee, probably, if you're reading
21:41a newspaper today, round about Christmas, there will be some tiresome old fart who will
21:47have written about, you know, there aren't any more office parties, and, er, for political
21:51correctness reasons, there are no decorations in offices, and, er, and, er, calling it Winterville
21:56so as not to offend minority religions. It's absolute bollocks. It just isn't true.
22:0195% of all offices are decorated. There have been more office parties year on year, every
22:06year. And Winterville was simply a commercial, er, campaign.
22:09Oh, yeah. What was that?
22:10Yeah.
22:12Well, it's the logos.
22:14Something just ran across there really fast.
22:16Yeah.
22:17I was a, I think it was a velociraptor.
22:22Erm, but that's the point. It was a promotional campaign. It was nothing to do with...
22:26No, Birmingham City Council.
22:27Birmingham City Council.
22:28My brother was on the phone to me, he's going, yeah, bloody Birmingham City Council, Winterville,
22:32PC, gone mad.
22:34And it's all nonsense. It wasn't anything to do with that. It was a campaign for local businesses.
22:37It was, it was just a thing, we'll, you know, from November to January, we'll...
22:42No!
22:45You were very upset by that, weren't you?
22:48It's, it's running all the way round the building.
22:53And then just going across...
22:57We'll be back in a minute.
22:58We're back in a minute.
23:01Oh, dear.
23:02It's the student at the...
23:03Wait for it.
23:04Okay.
23:06It could be ages.
23:09I don't want to look at that one now, because I miss it.
23:19Forget it, he's not coming.
23:20He's not coming.
23:21Don't change channels.
23:21Oh, yeah.
23:22Oh, yeah.
23:24Oh, yeah.
23:30It's all the way out on the South Bank of the city.
23:35You know, there'll be people watching this going, Christmas isn't what it used to be, I don't know.
23:40Two cents more on Wise Show, and you're in the sand dancing.
23:44Now we're watching a strange animal sky.
23:48Go on, that's the little things in life.
23:50It is.
23:50Yeah, the point is, despite what you're probably going to read in your newspapers, as I say, from hoary, boring
23:55old,
23:56it's your fault for reading the Daily Mail, let me put it in.
24:05Contrary to stories carried in the papers every year at Christmas, Winterville is not a PC attack on Christmas Day,
24:11by the city of Birmingham or anyone else.
24:13It was simply a promotional campaign that they ran for one year, eleven years ago.
24:18Lastly, not so much a question as a piece of solid practical advice.
24:22What's the best way to stop your children peeking at their presents before Christmas Day?
24:27Oh, honey and me and me.
24:32Don't get him any.
24:35Oh, I'm a disappointment.
24:38You do what I do.
24:40Yeah?
24:40Just buy all your presents on Christmas Eve.
24:43From a petrol station.
24:47You really are the spirit of Christmas, I do.
24:50And everyone's face when you open the barbecue fuel.
24:54Ooh, special.
24:55Oh, larrybow.
24:58Lovely.
24:59Blind them.
25:00Blind them?
25:01That would certainly do it.
25:03Yeah.
25:04A little extreme, perhaps.
25:05And they climb up on top of the wardrobe, didn't they?
25:08Bury them.
25:09Bury them in the garden.
25:10Well, this is a story from last year.
25:12In Rock Hill in South Carolina,
25:14a mother convinced the Rock Hill police to arrest her 12-year-old son
25:18after he unwrapped a Christmas present early.
25:21The police came to the house, and he was arrested.
25:24Right, that's it.
25:25I'm calling the police.
25:26Police, exactly.
25:27What was that?
25:28Was it a gun he'd unwrapped?
25:30I think we may understand a little more about the family.
25:33When he was a 12-year-old son,
25:34the mother was 27 years old,
25:36which means she must have been 15, I think.
25:3914 in conception.
25:41And it was a Nintendo Game Boy Advance that was under the tree,
25:44and his great-grandmother, who was only 63,
25:48specifically told him not to open
25:50this particular popular handheld game console.
25:53How old is the boy's wife?
25:55Yeah, yeah.
25:57The grandma can go and help his wife, who is in labor.
26:04Anyway, he took it without permission.
26:05He wanted it.
26:06He just took it, said the great-grandmother,
26:08and so they called the police.
26:09He was released the same day,
26:10but apparently he showed no remorse.
26:14Hey, I'd love to have been around there at Christmas dinner.
26:16What a happy day that would be.
26:19Where's the cranberry?
26:20You forgot the cranberry.
26:21I'm darling 9-1-1.
26:23You bitch.
26:28Oh, dear.
26:29Well, my goodness.
26:30That seems to be it.
26:32So, speaking of remorse and not showing it,
26:34it's time for the scores,
26:36which tonight, I think, should be an old money.
26:39So, in last place,
26:40it can come as no surprise.
26:45Minus 33 farthings,
26:48Joe Brand.
26:54And,
26:56in third place,
26:58with minus 8 pennies,
26:59Sean Locke.
27:05In second place,
27:07with 8 bob,
27:09Bill Bailey.
27:17Do my eyes deceive me,
27:19ladies and gentlemen?
27:20It could only be Christmas.
27:21Our winner,
27:22with a grand sum of 10 guineas,
27:25Alan Davis.
27:27Wow.
27:35So, with a wind of change blowing about our ears,
27:38it's time to pull down the flag
27:40for the last time in this series
27:42and to say goodnight
27:43from Mr. Bailey,
27:44Master Locke,
27:45Miss Brand,
27:46my rascal Davis,
27:47my humble and obedient self,
27:49and from the show,
27:51on which the sun never sets.
27:52A very happy Christmas from me,
27:54and goodnight.
27:56All right.
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