- 7 hours ago
First broadcast 16th September 2011.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
David Mitchell
Jack Dee
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
David Mitchell
Jack Dee
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
00:09This is Captain Fry speaking in, I hope, a very reassuring tone,
00:14welcoming you aboard this QI International around-the-world trip.
00:18We have an impressive roster of VIP passengers on board with us tonight,
00:22international man of mystery, Jack T.
00:30Global Phenomenon, Bill Bailey.
00:37Seasoned world traveller, David Mitchell.
00:44And from another planet entirely, Alan Davis.
00:56And gentlemen, if at any time you wish to get my attention,
00:59then please don't hesitate to use your call buttons.
01:02Jack goes.
01:04Isolare to Inverness, gate B.
01:08Bill goes.
01:10Iran to Istanbul, last call.
01:14David goes.
01:15Air India to Islamabad, now closing.
01:19And Alan goes.
01:22Unexpected item in the bagging area.
01:26Oh, there you are.
01:30So, to make sure that all your seats are in an upright position,
01:35we are cleared for take-off.
01:37And don't forget that this year,
01:39we are celebrating our ignorance, ladies and gentlemen,
01:41with the nobody knows round.
01:45Nobody knows.
01:46If you think that nobody knows the answer to that question,
01:51then you can waive your nobodies, you get a big bonus.
01:53On the other hand, if you waive it and you're wrong,
01:56you get a little bit of an old forfeit.
01:58What are the points that you gain by using it correctly?
02:01I think we all agree that nobody in this universe understands QI's scoring system.
02:09Right.
02:10So, by that logic,
02:11were we to raise the subject of the scoring system and I was to do that,
02:15then...
02:15Ah!
02:17Oh!
02:23It's made a very good point.
02:25Right, point?
02:26Somehow I thought I'm trapped in an infinite loop.
02:29Yes, fortunately, that isn't one of the questions.
02:31Ah, if it were in the hypothetical round a question, what is the QI scoring system, and then nobody knows
02:38it,
02:38what would happen to the person that does the QI scoring? Would they not then feel rather sad?
02:44Presumably are sitting there thinking that they know. His name is Colin. He's very brilliant.
02:49He works for Lumina, the scoring system people, and he knows what he's doing.
02:54It is a little bit of a puzzle to the rest of the world. There's a company out there responsible
02:58for the scoring system.
03:00Yeah, that's right.
03:01For nine years, we've used them, and they've served us proud.
03:06What happened before they served themselves?
03:09They must be laughing.
03:11I think they also do Pointless and Eggheads and other things like that.
03:17I think they reserve a lot of their creativity for this show, don't they?
03:23I wonder what the score is now.
03:24Yes, the score now...
03:28Amazingly, Bill has three and everyone else has zero.
03:37Why three?
03:39I mean, I just either thought one or ten, but three?
03:44How did you divide your contribution by three?
03:46Better than you, better than you, better than you.
03:48Three.
03:54Let's get going, Terry.
03:56Now, if, by some terrible, terrible concatenation of circumstances, both my co-pilot and I, on this flight, were suddenly
04:04taken ill, how would you land this plane?
04:08Can't they just land themselves on an instrument's landing?
04:11I'd stop reading the Kindle on the steering wheel.
04:18That would be a wide start, yes.
04:20Don't you, um, don't you radio the, the, the co-pilot slumped, normally?
04:25Yes.
04:25In these situations.
04:27Yes, someone talks you in.
04:28And they, somebody talks, talks you in?
04:29That's what happens in the movies, definitely, isn't it?
04:31That Robert Duvall probably would be good.
04:33Yes.
04:33That's who I'd ring.
04:35Or Lloyd Bridges in the case of Airplane in the movie.
04:37Perfect choice.
04:38Yeah, yes.
04:39Presumably there are legal problems with someone talking you down, though, because you could then subsequently sue if it was
04:45interpreted by your relatives that you were given bad advice.
04:48So, probably, these days, the air traffic controller would refuse to give advice and not say, I'm sorry, we're not,
04:54we're not covered for my sake.
04:56That's right.
04:56You'd have to sign a waiver and sort of text it to them and then they would, then, insurance would
05:01cover you to be talked down.
05:02It is, it is a minefield.
05:04Extraordinarily and happily, it has never occurred in commercial airline travel history that someone has been, as it were, oh,
05:12gosh, can anyone fly this plane because the pilot and co-pilot are ill or dead.
05:16It's never actually happened, but it would be fraught with difficulty.
05:19They have tried various simulations.
05:22For example, those with American civil private pilot licenses in America who can fly light planes were invited onto simulators
05:30of big jets.
05:31Yeah.
05:31And, er, one of them couldn't even operate the seat that moved him towards the control.
05:37Another one turned the radio off.
05:38Another one turned off the autopilot and instantly crashed the plane.
05:42So, the fact is, it's incredibly difficult.
05:45Stephen, am I allowed to say that, in your uniform, how incredibly unlike a pilot you look?
05:52So, what do I look like instead?
05:54Be, be brutal, be frank.
05:55No, I think, I think you'd be the, er, what they, the chap who calls himself the bursa.
05:59Who comes round, he's got a big leather wallet and takes money for duty free.
06:03Yeah, calls himself the bursa.
06:07The bursa?
06:08Yes, I think he does, yeah.
06:09Well, the bursa.
06:09The bursa.
06:10The bursa is like the one that does the money for a public school.
06:14Yeah.
06:14Yeah.
06:14Yes, yeah.
06:14What a very, what kind of plane is he flying on?
06:18Because the bursa will be, er, collecting money for the end of term jamboree.
06:23Dear old, a charterhouse air.
06:26Yeah.
06:27The bursa with the trolley and then with the drinks, the groundsman.
06:32Anyway, the fact is, it's fraught with difficulty.
06:34The first problem you would have is simply getting into the cockpit.
06:37Because since 9-11, of course, cockpits are locked.
06:40And if the pilots and the co-pilot were truly too ill to be able to fly,
06:43they may well be too ill even to let you in to the cockpit.
06:47Do they have a secret knock?
06:49That's a lovely thought.
06:50When they go and give them their lunch, though, surely they have to get in.
06:53I suppose, yes.
06:54So they must have a coded knock or something.
06:57Like, it's me.
07:01I've got your lunch.
07:04Something like that.
07:05And they go, oh, it must be the lunch.
07:06It must be, it must be to agree with the lunch.
07:09What's the lunch is?
07:10Lunch is?
07:10Now, why do I say lunch is?
07:12Because there's more than one.
07:13But why is there more?
07:18You are accruing points at a fantastic rate.
07:25Oh, I'll tell you what.
07:26Yes, there are more than one.
07:27But why would there be more than one lunch?
07:28Why would they?
07:29They have to eat different meals.
07:30Yes, the pilot and the co-pilot must eat different meals.
07:33Oh, in case one of them gets botulism.
07:35Exactly.
07:36So that one is by accident poisoned or whatever.
07:38And in the case of extra long-haul flights, there are three pilots, not two.
07:42So you can't get into the cockpit.
07:43Very, very dangerous.
07:44Never been done.
07:45Yeah.
07:46And if it was on autopilot, you'd be able, obviously, to fly level and it would continue.
07:50But once you got into the landing situation, yes, the kind of film scenario would take
07:55over whereby you would be told how to operate the flaps and at what speed.
07:59But there are so many variables in terms of glide path and vertical and horizontal axes
08:04and so on.
08:05It really is extraordinarily difficult.
08:07There is an auto-land system.
08:08There's no way of flying it remotely, then, from the ground.
08:11Like with just somebody with a wee or something, you know.
08:16I don't know.
08:17Maybe one day.
08:18Someone comes in the room.
08:19What?
08:20Why?
08:20Oh, hey!
08:25It's a horrifying thought.
08:26But fortunately, as I say, it never has yet happened in major commercial air travel.
08:31It's calculated that the chances are one in ten if it was an intelligent person and the
08:36plane was already on autopilot.
08:38They could be talked down.
08:39There's a one in ten chance the plane would survive the landing.
08:42If it was not already on autopilot, it would probably be one in a hundred.
08:45This is not reassuring.
08:47It's not, is it?
08:48There are 400,000 people in the air at any given time.
08:52Is that right?
08:53Yeah.
08:53That's fabulous.
08:54Wow.
08:57It is.
08:58Very good.
09:02There is no question the trampolining is a very popular sport.
09:07Yes.
09:08It sounded really plausible.
09:09Yeah.
09:10I think I heard it once in a pub or something.
09:12There are points if you can give me within five years when the autopilot was invented.
09:21Well, I mean...
09:231965.
09:231965, we've got there?
09:26Uh, 1970.
09:28I mean, 70.
09:3077.
09:31I'm going to go for 1945.
09:35Well, you're the closest but you're still miles away.
09:37It's 1914.
09:38The first use of an autopilot was a Paris Air show.
09:42It was an American inventor.
09:43And there were huge success.
09:45It was a big rubber band.
09:45It was a big rubber band.
09:46They stood on a new joystick.
09:47A broom.
09:48It was a gyroscope.
09:48Look, no hands, you see.
09:50By yourself.
09:52It was a gyroscope.
09:53It got so popular, they would literally have the pilots standing on the wings.
09:56We've got a picture here showing you, I think, just how impressive it could be.
09:59Look at that.
10:00Oh, people were just crazy at those days.
10:04I love all that stuff.
10:05That's when people went over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
10:08Exactly.
10:09Those were the days of the barnstormers.
10:12You wouldn't want to be ball boy, would you?
10:13No, you wouldn't.
10:15But it's a surprisingly ancient invention in that sense.
10:17It was really sort of the early days.
10:18That's almost before airplanes have invented.
10:21He probably had this thing knocking around in his shed and hoped that something would be invented he could apply
10:25it to.
10:26It was a gyroscopic corrective mechanism.
10:28It was pretty simple.
10:29Is the modern autopilot still recognizably the same system?
10:34No, I think it's a lot more complicated.
10:36They don't have a gyroscope where you have to put a little bit of string in and wind it around.
10:40But I mean, one of the worrying things I think about the autopilot is that the fact that, you know,
10:44it's on for most of the time you're in the plane.
10:47So, you know, they switch it off just before they land, switch it off just as they take off.
10:52They take off.
10:53Yeah, they watch the telly and then every now and then they go to that channel where the map is.
10:58Make sure they're heading in the right direction.
11:01Then they put Michelle Pfeiffer back on.
11:03There are occasions you've taught.
11:05I mean, there are of course long flights, but where is the shortest flight, the shortest commercial flight?
11:09Do you know?
11:10Oh, Bill.
11:12Um, I think I might know this.
11:14I don't know.
11:15I'm going to try it.
11:16Here I'll go out on a limb.
11:17Yeah.
11:17Is it, um, the Orkney Ars?
11:19Yes!
11:20Is it?
11:21Yes, it is!
11:22Oh, Bill, well done.
11:30There's another 4.5 points.
11:32Yeah.
11:33It's between...
11:3427 and a half.
11:36It's between Westray and Westray Papa.
11:38Yeah.
11:39And it's usually done in around two minutes.
11:41Though the record has been 58 seconds from takeoff to landing.
11:45It's the distance...
11:46Do you think people go, I hope it's a quick one today, I don't know.
11:49The distance is shorter than the runway of Edinburgh Airport.
11:51Do they just, sort of, take off, throw peanuts at you?
11:55And then get land.
11:57And then run up to it.
11:57Run up to it.
11:58Run away.
11:59It is amazing.
12:00Run back again.
12:01But the most bizarre thing about it is the return ticket is £39.
12:05It's not cheap.
12:06Is this not...
12:07Why don't they build a bridge?
12:10I'm assuming there's some sort of gorge to be got over.
12:13I assume there is too.
12:14You do get a certificate and a miniature of Highland Park whisky.
12:17For doing the flight.
12:19So maybe people just get off on the idea of doing the shortest flight in the world.
12:24Yeah, no.
12:25The sea is quite choppy round here.
12:27It's quite difficult.
12:28It is a bit like that.
12:31Just do the exits and...
12:33Oh, and here we are.
12:36Well, there we are.
12:37So, ladies and gentlemen, we've arrived at our first destination, which is India.
12:42And what I want to know is which of these two gentlemen is going to make the better policeman?
12:48Hmm.
12:49Well, one of them's noticed the camera and is presumably about to arrest the photographer.
12:54And that seems to be what policemen do nowadays.
12:57So I'll go with that one.
12:58Interesting.
12:59I'll say that one...
12:59And he's got a biro.
13:00Yeah, the one with the paint.
13:03Right, notes down.
13:04And also the other one seems to be more concerned with how he's looking.
13:07He's smiling, chatting away.
13:09The other one's a bit more sober, more professional.
13:12I think it's the guy in white behind them.
13:16He's plain clothes.
13:17He's really...
13:18He's mingling in.
13:19He's mingling.
13:19You've missed the one detail that the state of Madhya Pradesh will actually pay policemen an extra...
13:25Is it the moustaches?
13:2630 rupees a month to grow a moustache.
13:29Really?
13:29They consider the policemen are better.
13:31They're better in all kinds of ways.
13:32They're less intimidating.
13:33They work better with the community.
13:36They're more respected by the public.
13:38Yes.
13:39They're extraordinary.
13:40It's ideas for police women.
13:41It's a disappointment.
13:42Well, it's not unique to India.
13:44The British had pretty weird ideas about moustaches.
13:47In India, they're considered a sign of virility, but at the moment, there's a north-south divide.
13:52In the north of India, it's rarer to have moustaches because in Bollywood and the cricket team, of course, the
13:58great heroes, tend not to have moustaches.
14:00But in the south, in Tamil cinema, they all have moustaches. Everybody has a moustache.
14:05And that is just considered absolutely...
14:07It's Sir Steve Wright in the afternoon, isn't it?
14:11I've never trusted a moustache. I'm pretty the other way.
14:14That's very interesting.
14:15Because in the British Army, in 1860 onwards, it was a regulation that every soldier had to have a moustache.
14:22You could be imprisoned for shaving your upper lip.
14:25Right up until the First World War, then you had the option of being able to shave off your moustache.
14:30So it's not unique to India.
14:32Why are they suddenly in the First World War?
14:34Suddenly we're fighting total war, the moustache.
14:37Right, that was clearly ridiculous, the moustache.
14:39So surely they'd think, if we need moustaches, we need them more than ever now.
14:43I think it should be beards.
14:45There, they give you a certain, don't they?
14:47Yes.
14:48I think so.
14:55But this, yes, baaah, sort of moustache.
14:59It's going to win a war, isn't it?
15:04But, as you can see there, that's British soldiers, typical British soldiers, all of them moustache.
15:09I'm just imagining, Stephen, that that moustache is going to have its own website by the end of it.
15:15How long do you imagine the longest moustache in the world might be?
15:2124 feet.
15:22Well, that's a little bit too much, actually.
15:25It's, it's, it's, it's 14 feet.
15:2814 feet.
15:28There it is.
15:29It's pretty impressive, isn't it?
15:31Wow.
15:31I mean, this man makes a living out of it.
15:34He was in the film Octopussy, oddly enough.
15:37I can't remember what he did with his moustache, but it is, um, it's pretty impressive.
15:41Do you, do you distrust him, Bill?
15:43Oh, deeply.
15:45If he turned up to do a bit of woodwork in the house, you know.
15:50Um, and he just did, well, I measure 14 feet, well, I must be...
15:57I just, I'd naturally do it.
16:03You wouldn't want to stand at a urinal, would you?
16:06Oh, yeah.
16:07Oh.
16:08Oh, dear.
16:08Trailing around on the floor.
16:11He's ringing him out, that's what he's doing.
16:13Oh!
16:15Did, when you were children, did you have action men, toys?
16:19Yes.
16:19If I was to show a picture of an action man toy, what could you tell me about this particular
16:23one?
16:24Oh, Lord.
16:25That's the adventurer.
16:26Well, the adventurer just had a polo neck and jeans and boots.
16:29He seemed to be a kind of one-man band.
16:32Yes, but this one is a member of an armed service.
16:34Well, it'd be in the Navy.
16:35Exactly, the point is, it'd be the Navy, because it's only in the Navy that you're allowed to grow a
16:38beard.
16:39I did.
16:39Yes, yes.
16:40And there are three jolly jack-tars.
16:43In the Disney Corporation, none of the staff can have facial hair.
16:48Really?
16:48In Disney?
16:49Or earrings or anything.
16:50There was a rather good story about Disney some years ago, if you heard about it, but there was a
16:55furious email sent out by the head of human resources or whatever to all Disney employees and said,
17:02the Disney Corporation takes strong exception to the use by some employees of the phrase Mauschwitz to describe the Disney
17:12Corporation.
17:14If it is used again, anybody using it will be summer relief fired.
17:21Within half an hour, they were using the phrase Dachau.
17:28It's very pleasing, isn't it?
17:33It's interesting, they didn't in any way see the irony of the fact that people had said, of using a
17:39term, a sort of fascist term to refer to their organisation.
17:41They go, well, we'll put a stop to this.
17:45Exactly.
17:46Exactly.
17:47You might like to see a picture of some interesting moustaches there.
17:51And I have actually, I have what you might call moustache-billier.
17:57These are real things used for people with moustaches that were used in the great moustache growing period.
18:02This is simply to drink.
18:03It's a little silver, rather beautifully made thing that you put in a cup so that you can sip through
18:09here without, you know, without staining your moustache.
18:13Keeps your moustache out there.
18:14Yeah, keeps your moustache nice and dry.
18:15Similarly, with soup, you would want a soup spoon.
18:18You would just sip through that part there.
18:20Wow.
18:20So you take your soup like so, and you just, like that, and again, I keep my moustache nice and
18:26dry.
18:26Nice and dry.
18:28What else have I got here?
18:29And this, you may remember that something...
18:31I haven't invented the straw.
18:32Albert Finney.
18:34Albert Finney had something like this, didn't he, in Murder on the Orient Express.
18:38This is at night, when you wish to keep your moustache, and you put this round your ears.
18:41That's fine.
18:42Right there.
18:43And there.
18:46What's that for, though?
18:48I mean, what...
18:49You say you want to keep your moustache.
18:50Keep your moustache from what?
18:52Escaping.
19:01Some wild creatures of the night, I don't know.
19:04People might come and nibble at it in the evenings.
19:06There's a slight air of gimp about it.
19:08There is something a little unusual, isn't there?
19:11The odd thing is that people who are using that spoon and that drink cover,
19:15they're people who don't want to look stupid.
19:19I don't want to look like a complete arse.
19:21An idiot.
19:21So, excuse me, I'll get out all my paraphernalia for keeping scoop on my moustache.
19:26It is true.
19:27What you're saying is entirely true.
19:29Oh, dear, oh, dear.
19:30Well, I'm going to take my moustache off now, because it's, ah, causing me rather a lot of pain.
19:33Mmm.
19:33Now, this is a question inspired by the International Brigade, who fought, as I'm sure you know, on the Republican
19:40side in the Spanish Civil War.
19:42Which of these is the odd one out?
19:46A machine gun.
19:47A machine gun.
19:48A machine gun.
19:48A steng gun.
19:49A tomato.
19:50It's a Vickers.
19:51Vickers.
19:52Yeah.
19:52You ask which one is the odd one out?
19:54They all are.
19:55They're all the odd one out.
19:56Of what?
19:57They kind of are, aren't they?
19:59Well, there is a misapprehension about jellyfish.
20:02If you're stung by a jellyfish, what are you supposed to do?
20:05Wee on it.
20:06Yes.
20:06The odd thing is, the jellyfish is the odd one out, because it's the only one you're not supposed to
20:11wee on.
20:12You're supposed to wee on a tomato.
20:14Yes.
20:16Wee on tomatoes is good.
20:18I've never, I've never been stung by a tomato.
20:21Not for that reason.
20:23I have to say, if they'd known about the wee-ing in the First World War, it could have saved
20:26a lot of casualties.
20:28Yes, it did.
20:28Well, it did, actually.
20:30They did use them.
20:31After the first wave in the Somme, everyone's following with their cots out.
20:35Not quite.
20:37It's not quite like that.
20:39There's a little more to it, David.
20:41Right.
20:41To get rid of the jellyfish first, it's a fallacy to suggest that you should pee on a jellyfish sting.
20:46The best thing you can do is just sea water, which is likely to be around there anyway.
20:50Sometimes acid is better than, but you can't be sure unless you know the species, but just leave it alone
20:55and use sea water.
20:57Tomatoes, well, the fact is the world is running out of phosphorus and human urine is an extremely good fertiliser
21:05for tomatoes.
21:06When you should urinate on tomatoes, I thought you meant instead of salad dressing.
21:13I agree, it was a laxly phrased question.
21:16We're quite happy to use animal manure in order to grow things and know that they grow well.
21:20Yes, I know.
21:21That's weird, isn't it?
21:22That's because I think we find, and this may be, you know, a function of our own self-loathing,
21:27we find our own excrement more disgusting than that of other creatures.
21:30Well, speak for yourself.
21:36What about the wee and the gun, though? Sorry, why?
21:38Now, the gun. Clean it. Clean it with the wee.
21:41What is the issue with machine guns?
21:43They kill you dead.
21:46Obviously dead, Stephen, dead.
21:49Let's have, we have here, we have a gentleman from the Royal Armouries, welcome.
21:56Oh, look at that.
22:02Thank you very much.
22:03He's not going to wee on it, has he?
22:06We did ask if he would, he decided, he declined.
22:09He's left unattended, he's left unattended, come on.
22:12It's a Mark I Vickers 1917 model, as used in the First World War.
22:15They were used by the British Army all the way up to the Korean War.
22:18Very, very popular form, but the main problem for the operator of them,
22:22aside from them getting jammed occasionally, was overheating.
22:24Overheating?
22:25They had a jacket and they were water-cooled.
22:28Oh, okay.
22:29But very often, of course, you were fighting in places where there was no water.
22:33Yes.
22:33Now, there's a jerry can at the bottom there.
22:35That's not where the water comes from.
22:36The water is poured into a hole in the top, and then it sort of condenses and collects in the
22:41jerry can.
22:42You then reuse it.
22:43But in the Spanish Civil War, the phrase, pass the piss, was used, and they would actually fill up jerry
22:49cans,
22:49and they would use human urine to cool down the guns.
22:52Wow.
22:52It was the only way of doing it, because there was just no water around.
22:55Yeah.
22:55So, are I serious?
22:56It must have been horrible in the trenches, not only the risk of being shot, but then later a very
23:01nasty cup of tea.
23:02Yes.
23:04Which jerry can did you use for the...?
23:06It's a fun question, isn't it?
23:07Because, actually, Robert Graves, in his great novel Goodbye to All That, claims they used to make tea from the
23:12water used in the machine guns.
23:14Yeah.
23:15Very ugly.
23:16But that's not necessarily...
23:17Not necessarily pee water.
23:18Because there's no shortage of water in...
23:20No, there wasn't in the trenches.
23:21...in eastern France.
23:22No, no.
23:22It was more...
23:23Hence, I would say, it was the International Brigade, particularly in the drier parts of La Mancha and so on.
23:28But they probably made sangria out of it, though.
23:29They probably...
23:31The Russians actually made a gun with a hole in which to pee.
23:34They were so used to the idea that peeing into it would be helpful.
23:37They actually gave a little pee hole so that you could pee straight into the gun.
23:40So you could pee in...
23:41Yep, that's right.
23:41...while you're firing the gun.
23:43I don't think...
23:44I don't think this...
23:45I don't think this...
23:46Oh!
23:48Oh, that's good.
23:49Oh!
23:51Oh, I needed that.
23:54Oh!
23:55Oh!
23:57Oh, really?
23:59Well, there you are.
24:00That's really the answer, I suppose.
24:02The jellyfish was the odd one out because it's the only one that isn't improved by being whittled
24:06upon.
24:07And maybe we can ask our lovely Royal Army's friend to wheel away his vicars now.
24:10Thank you very much indeed again.
24:12Thank you very much.
24:12Thank you very much.
24:14Thank you very much.
24:16Thank you very much.
24:16Thank you very much.
24:18Thank you very much.
24:19Now, what was Italy's biggest export in the year 1953?
24:24Um, frozen urine.
24:27Thank you very much.
24:31You've been doing so well.
24:33You've been doing so well.
24:33You've had urine.
24:34We know you, Bill.
24:36Oh!
24:37Would it be dried pasta?
24:41Oh!
24:42I'm sorry.
24:44Oh, right.
24:44It came from a place called Castelfidardo, and it's an object.
24:48It had thousands of parts, but a really complex mechanism.
24:52Jigsaw.
24:55In 1954, they were overtaken by Fiat, who then were the biggest exporter from Italy with
25:00their cars, but the year 1953, amazingly, it was this object that Italy exported more
25:06than anything else.
25:07It was a musical instrument, Bill.
25:09Oh?
25:09Um, uh, oh.
25:11A hurdy-gurdy.
25:11No.
25:12An accordion.
25:12An accordion.
25:13An accordion.
25:14Right answer.
25:14Yes.
25:15There you are.
25:17Rather extraordinary.
25:19Yeah.
25:22The very wise, the Italian town of Castelfidardo, still makes them to this very day, and is
25:27proud to do so.
25:29Now, what did Mussolini want Italians to eat to make them big and strong?
25:35Oh.
25:35He had a national propaganda day for this food stuff, and he wanted Italians really to
25:40take to it in a big way.
25:41Was it a vegetable?
25:43Some sort of ve-
25:43Not quite a vegetable.
25:45Nuts.
25:45Not nuts, no.
25:46Right properly.
25:47It's something Italians do eat.
25:49They have a specialist dish.
25:50Colenta.
25:51Very close.
25:52What's a great Italian dish, apart from pasta, obviously?
25:54Mac-er, macaroni, cheese.
25:56Ravioli.
25:57Ravioli.
25:57Ravioli.
25:58Ravioli.
25:59Risotto.
26:00Risotto.
26:00Risotto.
26:00Which is made from?
26:02Risotto.
26:02Rice, exactly.
26:04And Mussolini wanted to kick Italians off the habit of eating pasta, and to get them
26:08into the habit of eating rice.
26:09And Italians didn't take kindly for this at all.
26:11And so here are some Hattie Fields, some Italian ladies growing rice.
26:17And singing while they do it.
26:18And singing as they do it.
26:19And rather extraordinary, he had on his side the Futurists.
26:23You probably know about the Futurists movement, which was a bit like-
26:26Not yet.
26:26The Dadaists and the-
26:28Not yet.
26:29Very good.
26:31Still almost too quick.
26:32That was brilliant.
26:33Yeah, but the Futurists were an art movement, and they were pretty witty.
26:37And Filippo Tommaso Marinetti, who was one of the great Futurists, he said that pasta made
26:43Italians lethargic, pessimistic, and sentimental.
26:46And this caused outrage, as I'm sure was his intention.
26:49He opened his own restaurant, and he had some extraordinary dishes.
26:52I mean, way ahead.
26:53I mean, ahead of Heston Blumenthal or anybody like that.
26:56Here, this is my favorite one, it's called Aero Food, all right?
26:58Pieces of olive, fennel, and kumquat are eaten with the right hand, while the left hand
27:05caresses various pieces of sandpaper, velvet, and silk.
27:10All the while, the diner is blasted with a giant fan, and sprayed with the scent of carnation
27:16to the music of Wagner.
27:19Wow.
27:20Isn't that a dish?
27:24I think somebody should have the guts and the wit to open a Futurist restaurant again.
27:30There are other ones, there was Chicken Fiat.
27:31A chicken is roasted with a handful of ball bearings inside.
27:36When the flesh has fully absorbed the flavor of the mild steel balls, chicken is served with
27:40a garnish of whipped cream.
27:42There's one called the Excited Pig.
27:44A whole salami skinned, is cooked in strong espresso coffee, and flavored with eau de cologne.
27:51I think you've been to a motorway services, so...
27:56I quite like the idea of a chicken that tastes a bit of metal.
28:00Yes.
28:01Well, I love the idea of stroking something while you're eating something.
28:04Isn't it?
28:04All your senses.
28:05Have you ever been to one of those, there's one in Berlin I went to, restaurants where it's
28:10completely dark.
28:11All the waiters are blind.
28:13And they lead you to your table.
28:15Yes.
28:15They recite the menu to you, and you order the food, and it's put in front of you, and
28:19you often use your fingers as much as anything.
28:21And basically, it just concentrates you entirely on the taste of the food.
28:24And it sounds a bit weird, but it is a fantastic experience.
28:27I mean, I'm not saying you should go there every night.
28:29In the kitchen as well, chefs wandering around with no fingers.
28:36You see, I always get stressed in restaurants when the waiters don't write down your order.
28:42You know, and they say, no, we're a cool restaurant, we can remember it.
28:45And you say, well, can you remember it?
28:46You surely can.
28:48Because this is specifically what I have to eat.
28:50Yeah.
28:51If I want to torture my mother, which is...
28:53You may say so.
28:56Right.
28:57It's a free country.
29:00Who would you like, Wing Commander?
29:03In a restaurant, she'll say, so what are you going to have?
29:05And you'll say, I'm not going to tell you.
29:07I'm going to tell the waiter.
29:08No, don't tell me, what are you going to have?
29:10Right, waterboarding for you, mother.
29:12But there are people who cannot, who just can't bear it,
29:15unless they know what everyone else is going to order.
29:17Yeah.
29:17So it does drive my mother slightly potty not to tell her.
29:20Now, as far as pasta is concerned,
29:24what sort of sauces fit what sort of pasta?
29:27Do you think there's a rule that you should apply?
29:30The Italians have a kind of code
29:32that certain pastas hold more sauce.
29:35If it's a very strong flavour, you want a pasta like that,
29:38like the little shell-shaped ones.
29:41And anything hollow, they reckon should have a tomatoey one
29:43because it's more liquid and it fills the inside of the tube as well.
29:47And they also don't have Parmesan on, by any means, any of it.
29:50No, they often regard that as extremely...
29:52And bolognese is just for idiots.
29:54Yeah, I think so, yeah.
29:55And the other major thing is that we use about four times more sauce
29:59on the pasta than the Italians do.
30:01They just basically coat the pasta with the sauce.
30:04The point is, though, they just have pasta as one of many courses
30:06in an elegant meal, whereas we sort of say,
30:08oh, pasta is a great way of getting the whole chore
30:10of feeding ourselves over with in one great stodgy go.
30:15We'll have loads.
30:16I'll have a pile of it until I just can't face another mouth.
30:21Exactly.
30:22You're looking at the cooking instructions.
30:25There's what?
30:28Yeah, serves four.
30:30Yeah, well, double that, I think.
30:32I regard myself in some ways as a sophisticated being
30:35and yet I'm not even ashamed of the fact that I love spaghetti hoops on toast.
30:39I just do.
30:40That's what the Italians wouldn't understand.
30:42No, I wouldn't think that.
30:42The thing to do with pasta is to put it on toast.
30:45I know.
30:46That's what you do after a show.
30:47You go home and get some spaghetti hoops, heat them up,
30:49put the toast on, turn all the lights out, put the blindfold on.
30:59That's my life.
31:01That's my life.
31:03We're going to another country now, but around the same time.
31:06Which international head of state snubbed Jesse Owens after his triumph at the 1936 Olympics?
31:14Oh, God.
31:14Yes, go.
31:15Hitler.
31:19Oddly enough, it's not true.
31:21It's what the whole world thinks, but it isn't true.
31:23And we know this from no greater source than Jesse Owens himself.
31:28In fact, it's a really rather sad and a very typically, I'm afraid, unfortunate story.
31:33Jesse Owens, as you probably know, won four gold medals at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
31:38The Olympics were stage managed, of course, by Hitler.
31:40Now, on the first day, Hitler congratulated only German winners.
31:45And someone said to him that he should either congratulate all the winners or none of them.
31:50So, he said, well, in that case, I won't congratulate any winners.
31:54So, as it happens, he didn't personally congratulate.
31:57He didn't personally congratulate Jesse Owens.
32:02You're looking up there?
32:03The bloke at the far right is going like that.
32:05Are you looking?
32:08That bloke on the far right is called Herman Gurry.
32:15Surely, surely they're all on the far right.
32:29They're all just taking bets on how high the high jump was going to go.
32:34The one on Hitler's left is thinking, I didn't get the memo.
32:38I missed that.
32:39Out of dress.
32:41Well, no, it is wrong.
32:43As I say, Hitler decided on the second day that he wouldn't congratulate anyone.
32:46So, he didn't snub Jesse Owens at all.
32:49In fact, according to Jesse Owens, he said,
32:52When I passed the Chancellor, he arose, waved his hand at me, and I waved back at him.
32:57Hitler didn't snub me.
32:58It was...
33:00Who snubbed him?
33:01So, Hitler wasn't such a bad guy after all.
33:03It's not that.
33:04Well, it's not that.
33:05The jury's still out.
33:06Hitler is...
33:07We know it's bad.
33:08It just so happened, he didn't snub Jesse Owens.
33:10King of England.
33:11No, FDR.
33:13Oh, bastard.
33:13The president of his own country.
33:15What?
33:15Really, this is a terrible story here.
33:17It was FDR who stunned me.
33:18The president didn't even send me a telegram.
33:20He won four gold medals.
33:23When I came back to my native country, after all the stories about Hitler,
33:27I couldn't ride in the front of the bus.
33:29I had to go to the back door.
33:30I wasn't invited to shake hands with Hitler, but I certainly wasn't invited to the White House to shake hands
33:35with the president either.
33:36He had to use the goods lift of the Waldorf Astoria to get into the reception for returning US athletes,
33:44as he wasn't allowed to use the front door.
33:46Sammy Davis Jr couldn't go in the front door of the hotels in Vegas where he was performing.
33:51I know.
33:52It is simply astonishing.
33:53He had to go through the kitchen.
33:54Yeah.
33:55That still happens to me, though, sometimes.
33:57Well then.
33:58Moving on elsewhere again.
34:00Where does the rainwater that falls into this creek go?
34:04It's in Wyoming, I should say.
34:08The rainwater.
34:09You're right!
34:13Well done.
34:15Well done.
34:17Well done.
34:17Well done.
34:18Well done.
34:19Well done.
34:22You're very good at this.
34:24Well done.
34:25As you probably know, round about the Rockies there is the Continental Divide and rainwater that falls one side of
34:31the Continental Divide will drain into the Pacific, the other side will drain into the Atlantic or the Gulf of
34:36Mexico.
34:36But in this particular place, in this particular place, it's called North to Ocean Creek in Wyoming.
34:46It's called North to Ocean Creek in Wyoming.
35:15Oh, Jack.
35:16I'm so sorry.
35:18Am I really that predictable?
35:20I'm afraid you are.
35:22Terrible thought.
35:23Well, I don't know.
35:24I'm going to say something that will be wrong, like Giza or something like that.
35:30Yeah, well that's where we're looking.
35:31We're looking at the three great pyramids of Giza there in Northern Cairo.
35:34It's not an Aztec one.
35:36Yes, it is.
35:37It is, it is.
35:38I wouldn't expect you to know its name.
35:39If you did, I would give you 40 points.
35:42I don't know its name but I'll spit out some consonants.
35:47It's called Cholula.
35:49Oh, Cholula.
35:50Cholula.
35:51I was definitely going to go up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
35:54No, it's not Popal Capapetal or one of those.
35:56No, no.
35:56It's the Cholula pyramid and although it's got a flat top and it's not as high, it's cubic capacity is
36:02much bigger.
36:03It's 4.3 million cubic yards as opposed to Khufur, Cheops, 3.36 million.
36:09Not actually a pyramid, though, is it? No.
36:11Well, actually, according to archaeologists and others, that qualifies as a pyramid.
36:15There is a word for a pyramid with a flat top.
36:17Might you know it?
36:18Um...
36:19Unfinished.
36:24APPLAUSE
36:26Yeah, I think it's fine.
36:28Do you know, for completion, early BC 497?
36:31It's called the Frustum.
36:33Name the world's fattest country.
36:36Or the country with the fattest citizens, I suppose.
36:39Otherwise, I'd say it'd be Russia.
36:41Tonga.
36:42Not Tonga, no.
36:44Fiji.
36:45No, but you're absolutely in the right area.
36:47You've correctly...
36:47Vanuatu.
36:49No, you're absolutely...
36:51You're so...
36:51Oh, the Cook Islands.
36:53It's so close to around there.
36:55Fiji.
36:55It begins with N.
36:57N...
36:57N...
36:59N...
36:59N...
36:59Not Tonga.
37:01Nairu.
37:02Near Tonga.
37:04North Tonga.
37:06Never Tonga.
37:08Is it Nairu?
37:09Nauru, exactly, yes.
37:10Oh, yeah.
37:11Well done, Nauru.
37:14It's in your face.
37:17It's, um...
37:18It only has a population of 10,000 people,
37:21but 97% of the men are obese or overweight
37:23and 93% of the women are obese or overweight.
37:25I remember they had a one-man Olympic team
37:27and he was in the weightlifting.
37:28Yes, they get rather upset at being called the beast
37:31and they say they're a stocky people and that...
37:33Big-boned.
37:33And big-boned, exactly.
37:35It's habitable to them.
37:37Well, I'm afraid the fact is you can't really put on weight,
37:39as I know to my cost,
37:40unless you put things in your mouth.
37:42And that's where it comes from.
37:44When was the First World War first named as such?
37:50Erm...
37:50Er, the outbreak.
37:51The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.
37:54Er...
37:54You think they called it the First World War straight away?
37:56Before it started.
37:57Before it started.
37:58It would be...
37:59It would be an act of a pessimist
38:01to call it the First World War batterly, surely.
38:04It's going to be some point after 1939, isn't it?
38:08A realist.
38:08A realist, surely.
38:09It's going to be more of these.
38:10Yes, I wrote, yes.
38:11At what point...
38:14Excuse me.
38:15I think I said...
38:16I think what I said, people in the box,
38:19is after 1939.
38:21Which may contain 1939, but does not mean it.
38:28Well...
38:28OK.
38:30No, no, no.
38:34After 1939 and after the Second World War,
38:37I'm not synonymous.
38:38Now, this is just giving you time to type.
38:40After 1939.
38:47Why don't you just type,
38:50Mitchell is a cop?
38:54Well, I wouldn't put it past them.
38:58Now, the surprising thing is,
39:00it was in 1918 that it was first called
39:02the First World War.
39:04There's a British officer called Lieutenant Colonel Charles Accord Reppington,
39:09who recorded in his diary for the 10th of September
39:11that he met with a major Johnson of Harvard University
39:14to discuss what historians should call the war.
39:17Reppington said to call it the war was no good,
39:20because that wouldn't last.
39:21That war.
39:21Which was being called.
39:23To call it the German war was giving too much credit to the Bosch.
39:25I suggested the World War,
39:28Reppington said.
39:29Finally, we mutually agreed to call it the First World War
39:31in order to prevent the millennium folk from forgetting
39:34that the history of the world was the history of war.
39:38And in 1920, he published a book called
39:39The First World War, 1914 to 18.
39:42Wasn't it called the Great War for a long time?
39:44For a long time it had been called the Great War,
39:45but there had been another Great War before that.
39:48Do you know what the Great War was before?
39:49The Napoleonic War?
39:50The Napoleonic War had been called the Great War, yes.
39:53So wars do change their names, if there you are.
39:55A supplementary on this international question,
39:58why did the colonels in chief of the Royal Dragoons
40:01and the First Kings Dragoon Guards
40:03fail to turn up for duty at the start of the First World War?
40:06They were entwined in an embrace.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:15Only now can we reveal the truth.
40:17It was one of those embarrassing things about...
40:19Oh, I know!
40:20Yes, yes, go on.
40:20Because it was Kaiser Bill.
40:22Yes.
40:22Kaiser Bill was, in fact, the colonel in chief of the Royal Dragoons
40:26and Franz Josef the Habsburgs was the colonel in chief of the King's Dragoons.
40:31That's a security response.
40:32It was a bit, wasn't it?
40:33But we carried on doing this.
40:34It turned out that Osama bin Laden was actually, you know,
40:37an admiral of the fleet.
40:39That would have been a nightmare.
40:41We appointed Emperor Hirohito a field marshal in 1930.
40:44So we carried on doing this.
40:47So obviously there was a bit of embarrassment to begin with
40:49when they had to go to war with their own colonel in chief.
40:51It was eventually sorted out and we pretty much spanked their bodies.
40:54LAUGHTER
40:55We pretty much did.
40:56After only four years of carnage.
40:58Yes, that's right.
40:59LAUGHTER
41:00And lastly, on the international journey that we've been enjoying,
41:04who invented this salute?
41:07The Scouts.
41:08The Scouts?
41:09No.
41:09Wasn't it the Scouts?
41:10Who were the first fascists question?
41:12Not really, no.
41:13Was it a previous...?
41:14Who actually used this as a salute first, do we know?
41:16Oh, was it a Roman?
41:22Unfortunately, it was believed, it was basically the French classical artists,
41:26notably David.
41:27The leading French classical artists.
41:29The artists have a salute.
41:30They painted Romans and they painted Romans doing this,
41:32but there is no evidence at all in Roman literature or murals or art
41:36that Romans ever did this as a salute.
41:38They're bound to have done it at some point.
41:39Well, they might have put their arms out.
41:41Yes, yes, yes.
41:41But it wasn't used as a salute.
41:43It just became a common idea that they did this.
41:46And so it then became very much the symbol of the Olympic movement.
41:50It was the Olympic salute.
41:51Oh.
41:52Until 1936.
41:54And also it was American school children, when they took the Oath of Allegiance,
41:57they did that.
41:58And then again, once it became a fascist salute...
42:01Now they do that.
42:01They did the...
42:04It's a strange thought that the Nazi salute was in fact American school children
42:08and Olympic athletes who really first used it.
42:10There you are.
42:11Well, it wasn't invented by the Nazis at all.
42:13And with that, we reach our final destination.
42:15But please remain seated for the scores.
42:18Oh, my goodness me.
42:20Well, I'm afraid very much in the bucket class with minus 44 is David Mitchell.
42:35Standing room only at the back with minus 27 is Jack Dee.
42:43There was surprising amount of leg room at minus 10 is Alan Davis!
42:50Which wins.
42:52But tonight's first-class passenger with four points is Bill Bailey!
43:04so thank you for flying with qi international my cabin crew david jack bill and alan and i
43:11wish you a pleasant onward journey and don't forget the wise words of halvard langer prime
43:15minister of norway and citizen of the world who said we do not regard englishmen as foreigners
43:20we look on them only as rather mad norwegians
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