- 9 minutes ago
First broadcast 28th September 2007.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
Phill Jupitus
Johnny Vegas
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jimmy Carr
Phill Jupitus
Johnny Vegas
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, ladies and
00:05gentlemen, and welcome to the QI Grill.
00:07Tonight's guests are hungry to begin, so let's go straight through and start eating.
00:14For starters, it's Jimmy Carr.
00:20And the consomme professional Johnny Vegas.
00:29A substantial main course, Phil Jupitus.
00:36And, of course, a sweet little pudding, Alan Davis.
00:46But before, we tuck in a small amuse-bouche, or amuse-booze, with the compliments of the house, Jimmy goes.
00:54Glorious food, we're anxious, trying.
00:59Phil goes.
01:01Huge
01:04There's nothing else to eat.
01:09And Johnny goes.
01:12Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,
01:20bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,
01:24bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,
01:27bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,
01:27bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,
01:28bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,
01:39Oh, but what's that smell?
01:42Sorry.
01:43It's not you.
01:45It's an elephant.
01:49It's an elephant in their room.
01:51Well, there will be one coming up on the menu sometime tonight,
01:55and of course, it's bonuses if you catch my eye.
01:59Now, let's move on.
02:01What happens in the rhubarb triangle?
02:06I don't think I'm even allowed to call it the rhubarb triangle anymore.
02:09No, apparently that wasn't custard.
02:11That was some sort of yeast infection.
02:18You bad man.
02:21The rhubarb triangle?
02:26The leaves are poisonous.
02:28Good point, that is true.
02:29We were always told as children, don't eat the leaves.
02:36Well, is that just done to eat the leaves of rhubarb?
02:38Rhubarb, yeah.
02:39Oh, well, that's where I've been going wrong.
02:41Oh, you thought it meant all leaves.
02:44Fatness.
02:45Yes.
02:45Well, no, rhubarb leaves make your mouth numb,
02:47you get kidney stones, and enough of them you can die.
02:50But the rhubarb triangle, we're no closer.
02:52Do Marzipan fighter planes go missing?
02:57It's a nice sport.
02:59Do they not pick anything up on the licorice radar,
03:02and then they suddenly start talking nonsense,
03:05and gingerbread men, good men,
03:07who fought in the pudding wars,
03:11just vanished, and the wives are stood there holding their eyes,
03:16going, this is all they found.
03:20I want to live in your world, Johnny Vegas.
03:22It's a wonderful, wonderful idea.
03:24But it is a triangle.
03:26It's an actual place.
03:27That's a Bermuda triangle.
03:29It is an actual place.
03:30Dare I venture to suggest they grow rhubarb there?
03:33They do, and they grow in a very special way.
03:35Is rhubarb one of those things that grows incredibly quick?
03:39It can be made to grow in a more remarkable way
03:42than nature intended, if you like.
03:43And that's what happens in the rhubarb triangle.
03:47We'll be up north.
03:48We are up north.
03:50We're up north, growing rhubarb quickly.
03:52Yes.
03:53Where would we be?
03:53Yorkshire.
03:54Yorkshire.
03:55Yeah, it's Yorkshire.
03:56It's a triangle made from the three cities,
04:00Leeds, Bradford, and Wakefield.
04:01So it's quite a small triangle.
04:03Hey, Leeds to Bradford, it's like from here to Jimmy.
04:07It's a small, scalene triangle.
04:10And how do they grow it?
04:11Forced marriages amongst rhubarb.
04:14Forced is the word.
04:15They force the rhubarb.
04:17At gunpoint.
04:18They force the rhubarb.
04:19It's the great rhubarb forcing capital of the world.
04:24What do you mean they force it?
04:24What are you talking about?
04:26I'm talking about you leave it outside for two years,
04:29so it gets energy.
04:30It's a bloody lesson.
04:31Two years.
04:32It's heartbroken.
04:32From its birth, then you bring it into the dark.
04:36And you make love.
04:37The absolute dark.
04:39You make love to it.
04:40Heated, dark rooms, it grows at extraordinary rates
04:46because none of its energy and none of its nutrients
04:48go to making leaves to capture sunlight anymore
04:51because it's dark.
04:52So they go into shooting out.
04:53You can actually hear them grow.
04:55If you go into one of these forcing rooms,
04:57there's this creaking sound of rhubarb growing.
05:00And they provide 90% of all winter rhubarb.
05:0390% of it?
05:05In that one little triangle.
05:07Now, we never grew rhubarb that way in the 1839, 1842 time.
05:14Do you remember what war we were engaged in round about then?
05:17Oh, the opium war.
05:18It was the opium war.
05:20We tried to flood China with opium,
05:22and they fought back not wanting to be filled with our opium from our empire.
05:25But we imported all our rhubarb from China.
05:28And rhubarb was very useful as a slight laxative.
05:31And the Imperial Chinese Commissioner Lin Zexu wrote a letter to Queen Victoria personally
05:36warning that unless the British stopped supplying opium to China,
05:40he would cut off rhubarb supplies to Britain,
05:43killing everyone through mass constipation.
05:48But Barry, the Queen never had the letter translated,
05:51so she risked the entire nation being bunged up.
05:55Now, cornflakes were invented by accident.
05:59But what were they originally used for?
06:02Food, glorious food.
06:04It was originally the world's most difficult jigsaw.
06:09It was for putting in mattresses for monks
06:14as an anti-masturbation sound triggered by accident.
06:19The autophagus takes some points.
06:23You're joking!
06:26Unbelievable!
06:33You didn't get it precisely right,
06:36but the point is they were originally designed to discourage masturbation.
06:41They were...
06:44It's not actually by the noise you would make
06:46if they were a filling for a mattress,
06:48which is your idea,
06:48which is a reasonable idea,
06:50but it was John Harvey Kellogg,
06:51as you've probably known,
06:52his brother,
06:52who had the Battle Creek Sanatorium,
06:55and Kellogg and his brother,
06:56there's John Harvey, I think,
06:57was obsessed with their hatred of masturbation.
07:00They made gloves out of them.
07:04That would be a lacerating experience,
07:07I grant you.
07:08But no, no, it's...
07:10Whereas Cocoa Pops...
07:14Every exam I sat at school,
07:16I put masturbation as an answer.
07:20I walked away with nothing,
07:21but stuck with the idea
07:27You're right.
07:28Well, what happened was
07:30they'd been rolling out wheat dough,
07:32and they accidentally left some overnight,
07:34and it broke off into flakes,
07:36and they discovered
07:37that some of their patients
07:38enjoyed it with cold milk.
07:39And Kellogg was convinced
07:41that cereals taken in huge quantities
07:44would somehow act against the libido
07:47and stop the deleterious practice
07:49of masturbation,
07:51which he thought caused acne,
07:52extreme mental and physical debility,
07:55heart disease,
07:56atrophy of the testes,
07:57dimness of vision,
07:59epilepsy,
08:00insanity,
08:01and, um,
08:02short-sightedness.
08:04There you go.
08:05There it is.
08:05So...
08:06No, that's why I have Cocoa Pops.
08:08I'll run out and shag a hole in the wall.
08:12Sorry, don't sell that on the packet, do they?
08:15That's never been no marketing policy.
08:16Cocoa Pops.
08:18No, this might get you excited, too,
08:19but Kellogg also advocated enemas.
08:21Oh!
08:22Yeah.
08:23Visitors to his sanatorium in Battle Creek
08:24would follow a water enema
08:26with a yoghurt enema.
08:28A pint of yoghurt,
08:29half of which would be taken orally
08:30and half anally.
08:32Well, you want to sort out which is which.
08:34Yeah, you want to sort out.
08:37Good smoothie.
08:39Would it shift bacon rind?
08:42Would it shift bacon rind?
08:45It was a question.
08:46It was nothing.
08:49No, it was important.
08:50Let's wait till we hold a day in Paris.
08:52Yeah, all right.
08:53So there you are.
08:54The Carroll brothers hoped
08:55that cornflakes would prevent masturbation.
08:57Now, what happens if you eat
08:59nothing but rabbit?
09:01Yes.
09:02I'll imagine eventually,
09:04if you eat enough of it,
09:04your feet become lucky.
09:08Very sweet.
09:09I'd like to eat.
09:10Oh, um...
09:11Any other thoughts?
09:11Yeah.
09:11You die?
09:12Why so?
09:13It's a very...
09:14nothing mean.
09:15It's full of protein,
09:16but there's really very little oil
09:17and very little vitamin.
09:19Do your children kill you?
09:21Because you come home yet again
09:23and go,
09:23sorry, Fluffy's passed away.
09:25I was...
09:26I was giving her a lovely hot bath
09:28with some onions and carrots
09:29and she just...
09:31She slipped off, I'm afraid.
09:34Do you have really bad nightmares
09:36that there's a compulsory purchase order
09:38on your street
09:38and you get very tense
09:40and you start going,
09:41look, come in.
09:42They come in
09:43and people start singing bright eyes
09:45and then...
09:46Bulldozer turns
09:47and I've been killed your nan.
09:49Oh, oh, that's not what I've got on the card.
09:51Is it?
09:53Nothing about nans.
09:55Phil is right.
09:56Phil has given the answer.
09:58As he was dying.
09:59You die?
10:00The Hudson's Bay Company
10:01recorded cases of trappers dying
10:03who were feasting plentifully on rabbit.
10:05They're eating lots of it.
10:06The more they ate, in fact,
10:07the sooner they died.
10:08Why do you think that was?
10:10Were the rabbits cursed?
10:11No.
10:15No, the reason is
10:16that you use vitamins and minerals
10:19in order to digest.
10:21So the more you eat,
10:22the more of your own vitamins and minerals
10:24you're using up,
10:25which you then excrete
10:26and so the faster you die of malnutrition.
10:29And there were many cases
10:30of these trappers dying
10:31and all they had to have
10:32was a tiny bit of vegetables
10:33and they would have survived.
10:34But they thought,
10:35well, we're eating rabbits.
10:37Full of protein,
10:37as it is indeed.
10:38My dad killed my pet rabbit
10:40and fed it to me.
10:42Did he?
10:43Perhaps he was trying to kill you, Johnny.
10:46Well, the 39 other rabbits in Baltimore.
10:51Well, I'm very sorry
10:52that your little rabbit died.
10:53No, you're not.
10:54It seems to me to explain
10:55a great deal.
10:57No.
10:58Do you remember
10:59what disease rabbits got
11:00in the 60s and 70s?
11:01Do you remember?
11:02Oh, myxomatosis.
11:03Myxomatosis.
11:04If you ate a rabbit
11:05that was...
11:06Mixy.
11:07Mixy, as they used to say,
11:09what would it do to you?
11:10Go blind?
11:11No, it's actually fine.
11:12It would do no harm
11:12to a human whatsoever.
11:13Harmless.
11:14Yeah, no, it would do.
11:15If you ate enough of them,
11:15you would die.
11:16Ah, if you ate nothing but them.
11:19As long as you had
11:20peas and vegetables with them,
11:21you could eat as many as you liked.
11:22It's when you have
11:23nothing but rabbit
11:24that you die.
11:25That's the point.
11:27All right.
11:28Louis XVIII of France
11:30had the remarkable ability
11:31to tell just by smelling
11:33a rabbit stew
11:34which part of France
11:36the rabbit had been
11:37hunted and killed in.
11:38Was it more that he would say
11:39this one's from Burgundy
11:41and they go, yes?
11:42Yes.
11:44I have such an incredible ability.
11:47You may be right, Alan.
11:49We didn't find it
11:50in the field out the back at all.
11:52Yeah, I have a horrible feeling
11:54you are right.
11:56Theoretically,
11:57two rabbits starting a family
11:58could have 33 million offspring
12:01in just three years.
12:03But they don't get
12:03the benefit payouts.
12:05No.
12:06Do you know why
12:06that doesn't happen?
12:0890% of all baby rabbits
12:09are eaten by predators
12:11who presumably die.
12:15Yes.
12:17Really grasp the idea
12:18that if you eat
12:19nothing but rabbits,
12:21you die.
12:22Eating rabbit itself
12:23will not kill you.
12:24You have to eat
12:25only rabbits.
12:27Is that now clear
12:29in your mind?
12:30Are you telling me
12:30that the kestrel
12:31gets some peas and carrots
12:33with it?
12:34It gets other animals too.
12:37Oh, and they have the nutrients.
12:38They do.
12:38Shrew.
12:39Yeah.
12:40Lots of vitamin C
12:41in a shrew.
12:42It's like basically
12:43a little furry capsule
12:44of Sunny D.
12:46It's good
12:46vitamin-y eating.
12:48Well, they eat the whole
12:48shrew.
12:49So they're getting
12:49everything the shrew eats.
12:50In rabbits?
12:51Which is a lot of grass.
12:52Shrews only eat rabbits.
12:53No, they...
12:54They do!
12:55Now, you're picking on me
12:57and I won't have it.
12:59When did rabbits arrive
13:00in Britain?
13:01Tuesday.
13:04Do you remember
13:05what year it was?
13:073,000 years ago.
13:09Tuesday morning.
13:13There's an elephant
13:14in this question.
13:23Did one of them
13:24rebel against Hannibal?
13:27And ride an elephant
13:29into this country
13:30and people were so
13:33awestruck by the tiny
13:36rabbit riding the elephant
13:37that they gave him
13:39a chain of restaurants
13:40to manage
13:41but he quickly realized
13:42his life was elsewhere
13:44in the country
13:44like most middle-class
13:47people leaving college.
13:48I hope they've come back.
13:52The short answer
13:53to that is no.
13:54The long answer
13:55is f*** no.
14:02It's um...
14:02It's um...
14:03In fact,
14:04rabbits were introduced
14:05into this country
14:06by the Normans
14:07probably in the 12th century
14:08so not even immediately
14:09at the Battle of Hastings
14:10but a bit late.
14:10Hello, these are the Britons,
14:12these are the rabbits,
14:13the rabbits,
14:13these are the Britons.
14:14Was it like that?
14:15Quite formal?
14:15Not so much the Britons
14:17as the Saxons,
14:17I suppose.
14:20They were introduced
14:23formally though.
14:24In French.
14:25Did the Britons
14:25initially find them
14:26standoffish
14:27and judgmental?
14:30I say,
14:31we better not
14:31eat all the rabbits
14:32or we die.
14:38We can eat all the rabbits
14:40we like.
14:42Oh, we better have
14:43some peas and carrots.
14:44That's it.
14:49Finally,
14:50everybody's got the point.
14:52The extraordinary thing
14:53about the introduction
14:54of rabbits into Britain
14:55was that they were
14:56kept in these warrens
14:57which were run by
14:58people called...
14:59Elephants!
14:59...called Warreners
15:01rabbits and they
15:03didn't go wild
15:04into the British
15:04countryside until
15:05the 19th century.
15:07The sixth...
15:08Thursday,
15:09the 19th century.
15:10Exactly.
15:11So there were 600
15:12years between
15:13the introduction
15:14of rabbits into
15:15Britain and they
15:16becoming essentially
15:17a wild animal
15:18seen all over our
15:19fields, which is
15:20rather astonishing.
15:21Well, I think we
15:22may have exhausted
15:22our rabbit subject
15:23and I've enjoyed
15:24it very much,
15:25but the point is
15:26this.
15:26If you eat
15:27nothing but rabbit,
15:29you die.
15:30Now to the
15:31vegetarian option.
15:33Macadamia nuts
15:34are not picked
15:35from trees
15:35but are collected
15:36from the ground
15:37where they've been
15:39dropping onto the
15:39ground, you see.
15:40So now, what kind
15:41of dropping
15:41would you search
15:42for the tasty
15:43and nutritious
15:44mongongo nut in?
15:47Yes.
15:48I don't know,
15:50but macadamia
15:51sounds like a
15:52Scottish university.
15:53Very good.
15:55Clever.
15:55Macadamia.
15:56Yeah, absolutely.
15:57Where would you
15:58find a mongongo nut?
15:59In the Congo.
15:59Africa, I would say.
16:01In Africa, I would say.
16:02I'm going Africa.
16:03Are they in monkey poo?
16:05No, they're not in monkey poo.
16:06Are they in something's
16:07business, though?
16:08They are found in something's
16:09business.
16:10Yes!
16:16Well done.
16:19I suspect the points
16:21will be shared between you.
16:22You're absolutely right.
16:23Elephant dung is full of nuts.
16:24It is, and it takes a week
16:26for them to pass through
16:27their bodies.
16:28Oh, imagine that.
16:29Yeah, and it's, uh...
16:30There it is.
16:31I'll see it.
16:31I'll see it driving.
16:33They look like the
16:35house isn't about to sink.
16:36Yes.
16:38Right.
16:41Very good.
16:41Well, the fact is,
16:42yes, they do go through
16:43the elephant system
16:44where they remain intact,
16:46and they are then
16:46gathered.
16:48Who first gathered that nut?
16:49I have no idea.
16:50I guess they saw it
16:51drying in the dung.
16:52So, do we know
16:53what they taste like?
16:54The Magongo nuts, yes.
16:55They're like a macadamia.
16:56They're a bit more
16:57like a cashew,
16:58apparently,
16:59but they're related
16:59to the macadamia.
17:01I have cashews.
17:02I would love to serve
17:03that at Christmas.
17:04It's just a big
17:04pile of elephant poo.
17:07And lots of family
17:07work away through it
17:08going,
17:09Do us boil your dinner.
17:15Everyone set me
17:16on the table
17:17smelling of shit.
17:19It's a lovely
17:20Christmas table.
17:21No, no, he puts out
17:23the finest nuts.
17:24I hear he gathers
17:25them himself.
17:26Indeed.
17:27So, the Magongo nut
17:30is collected
17:31from piles
17:31of elephant droppings,
17:32which brings us
17:34all shuffling
17:35downstairs in our
17:36pyjamas
17:36to the ill-stocked
17:37refrigerator
17:38that is
17:39general ignorance.
17:40So, fingers
17:41on buzzers, please.
17:42What were the first
17:43animals to be
17:44herded for food?
17:46Yes.
17:47Well, the first ones
17:48would have been
17:48an experiment,
17:48so it would have
17:49been guinea pigs.
17:50No.
17:51Very good, very good.
17:52Very good.
17:53Goats.
17:54Not goats.
17:57Yes.
17:58Chickens.
17:58Oh.
17:59No, not chickens.
18:01I've done it again.
18:04With the letters.
18:05Yes, Johnny.
18:06T-Rexes.
18:07Oh.
18:08T-Rexes.
18:09No.
18:11Godzilla.
18:11Oh.
18:13Oh.
18:13If I tell you the
18:14Latin...
18:14Eggs.
18:15Oh, the pigs.
18:16Eggs.
18:16They were easy
18:17to move around the field.
18:21No.
18:22You could be
18:23a very lazy shepherd.
18:24Shall I tell you
18:25the Latin name
18:26with that help?
18:26Helix, helix.
18:27Helix, helix.
18:28Oh, God.
18:29They've got a spiral
18:30on them.
18:32Snails.
18:32Snails.
18:33Thank you, audience,
18:34for telling Alan.
18:35They heard it snails.
18:36That must have taken ages.
18:38Do you think?
18:38Absolutely.
18:39All they had to do
18:40was build a wall.
18:43Snail farming
18:44seems to date back
18:45to 10,700 B.C.
18:47the earliest things
18:48archaeologists have ever
18:49found that we
18:50appeared to farm.
18:51Sorry, hang on.
18:52An archaeologist
18:53discovered that.
18:53So he's on a dig site
18:54and he found a snail
18:55and he went,
18:55oh, look.
18:56No, that's not quite.
18:57I found a tiny snail farm.
19:00Send more money, mother.
19:02So in all seriousness,
19:04they dug up
19:05a bunch of snails
19:05and went,
19:06they must have been fired.
19:07I have proof.
19:08No.
19:08They obviously
19:09wouldn't just say that,
19:11would they say,
19:11oh, we found some snail shells,
19:13therefore it's a farm.
19:15Obviously,
19:15one assumes
19:16they found
19:16a tiny plastic fence
19:18and some tiny plastic
19:19out of them.
19:20Exactly.
19:21And some sheepdog bones
19:23near it.
19:23Yeah.
19:24And a diecast man
19:25with a whistle gun.
19:26Exactly right.
19:27Tell me about
19:28snail's sex lives.
19:30They do it by themselves,
19:31don't they?
19:32They're all hermaphrodites.
19:34Did they find some spinach,
19:36you know,
19:36that someone has grown
19:37for the first time
19:38ever successfully
19:39and then just
19:39dug around there
19:40leaving the mess
19:42like dirty snail teenagers?
19:46Possibly.
19:47They do dance
19:48and kiss
19:48for up to 20 hours
19:50before sex.
19:51I know they do,
19:51but,
19:52you know,
19:54why do it on the plant?
19:55Yeah.
19:57Good.
19:59It's my first harvest.
20:01Do you know,
20:02they have an optional...
20:04You fuck out on a grow bag
20:05and you think life's
20:07going to be different,
20:07don't you?
20:08Yeah.
20:12Snails have an optional
20:14sexual organ,
20:15do you know what it's called?
20:15Which they can use for sex,
20:17but they don't do it
20:17because it's quite dangerous.
20:18A second ass.
20:19The virginis.
20:22Second ass.
20:26It's called a love dart,
20:27actually.
20:28The love dart?
20:29Yes.
20:29Well, that's a happy coincidence.
20:33It's actually more like
20:34a 7 to 11 millimetre dagger.
20:36Well, exactly.
20:38This is uncanny.
20:39It releases chemicals
20:40to stimulate the stabbed mate,
20:42so they stab their mate
20:43with the love dart.
20:44Oh, that's beautiful.
20:45It can result in injury
20:46if carried out inaccurately.
20:48Of course.
20:49But use of the dart doubles.
20:52Exactly.
20:53Should have done it in daylight.
20:54Sounds like an episode
20:54of Midsomer Murders.
20:55It does, doesn't it?
20:56It does double the chance
20:58of offspring, though,
20:59using the love dart,
20:59so it's kind of a bit
21:01like playing an elephant,
21:01you know.
21:02It's just,
21:02it increases your options.
21:04You can do it,
21:04but it's a risk.
21:06Why don't they like salt?
21:08I don't know.
21:08Citico does something
21:09to their slimy bits,
21:10doesn't it?
21:10You salt a snail
21:11or a slug,
21:12and it all, yeah.
21:13Why has it never been
21:13on Jagdn's Den?
21:14Because there must be
21:15a chemical compound
21:16that you can put on a tape
21:18because you obviously
21:18don't want to put salt
21:19on the ground
21:20when you're growing anything.
21:21Yeah.
21:22There's got to be something
21:23that you can apply
21:24that's not damaging
21:25to the salt
21:26that would give
21:26the same chemical reaction
21:27to a slug or a snail.
21:29I'm in.
21:29And there,
21:30your chapman,
21:30I'm in.
21:31But I'm going to need control.
21:32Your first Spanish
21:33speech.
21:35Yeah.
21:36I would give you
21:36one pound
21:37for 100%
21:39of the equity.
21:41That's a brilliant idea.
21:42It's salt
21:43on sellotape.
21:45Yes.
21:47I'll tell that pound.
21:51Live the dream.
21:54Let's never look back.
21:57Oh, dear.
21:57They might blow away.
21:59We should have used
21:59double-sided.
22:04Yes, snails seem
22:06to have been
22:06the first animals
22:08to be herded for food,
22:09which is enough
22:10to make one feel
22:10quite ill.
22:11So what causes
22:12stomach ulcers?
22:14Yes.
22:15Yes.
22:15Yes.
22:15Yes.
22:17God, I went
22:18for this test.
22:20It's not the lining
22:21of the walls.
22:22It's an overactive
22:23certain bacteria.
22:25You're absolutely right.
22:25It is a bacteria.
22:27It is.
22:27It's called
22:28Helicobacter pylori.
22:30And it's like a volcano,
22:31like a fire.
22:32And if you take
22:32the gaviscon,
22:33it flushes down
22:34and knocks
22:35a little neck.
22:36When you brush,
22:37it's coming to your tummy
22:38and clean up.
22:39That's it.
22:41Yeah, it was
22:42for a long time
22:43thought and
22:43completely believed
22:44that ulcers were
22:45caused by a mixture
22:46of a bad diet
22:47and stress,
22:48that catch-all word.
22:49But two Australian
22:51doctors did
22:53remarkable research.
22:54They were laughed
22:54at for suggesting
22:55that it was this
22:56bacterium,
22:56and then one of them
22:58actually drank
22:58a dish of this
22:59bacterium.
23:00Wait, downed it
23:01for a breath?
23:02That definitely
23:02sounds like Aussie
23:03doctors.
23:04That sounds like
23:05every Australian
23:05doctor I've ever met.
23:06Will you drink this?
23:07Are you, mate?
23:07It was a good bet
23:08because it was
23:08$750,000
23:10he got the Nobel Prize.
23:11He got the Nobel Prize
23:13for downing a drink
23:14for proving
23:15the origins
23:16of what was
23:17the biggest
23:17single killer
23:18of young men
23:19in the world.
23:20And I...
23:21They're rather important
23:22because you could
23:23now clear up
23:23a peptic ulcer
23:24with a short course
23:25of antibiotics
23:26rather than die of it,
23:28which is a good thing.
23:29And if anything
23:29is worthy of a Nobel Prize,
23:31I would say
23:31that would be.
23:32I refuse a treatment
23:33because I prefer
23:34to think that
23:34I've got sea monkeys
23:35living in my stomach.
23:36Ah, yes.
23:37Did you get a Nobel Prize
23:39for that thought?
23:40No, I'm not going to get anything
23:42for eating all that glass
23:43in a rugby pub.
23:45That's so unfair life,
23:46isn't it?
23:47Anyway, yes,
23:48Marshall, his name was,
23:49Barry Marshall.
23:50And he risked his own life,
23:52of course,
23:52but Article 5
23:53of the Nuremberg Code,
23:55set up after the Nuremberg trials,
23:57says that it is illegal
23:59to use human subjects
24:01for medical experiments
24:02when there is a risk of death.
24:04The only exception
24:05to this rule being
24:09putting the fly's head
24:11on yours.
24:15No.
24:17It makes your wife
24:18very nervous.
24:20And she's got to go out
24:21in the garden
24:21and find the little bit.
24:23Absolutely.
24:23It's if you do it on yourself.
24:25If you do it on yourself,
24:26you are allowed
24:26to do it on yourself.
24:27And there's some famous ones.
24:28When the guy downed this thing
24:29and he went,
24:30this is definitely
24:30going to cause a massive ulcer,
24:32he got a massive ulcer,
24:33and did they find
24:33the cure immediately?
24:34Or did his mate go,
24:35I'll work on that?
24:36No.
24:37I'm going to be right with you.
24:39They knew that a bacterium
24:39could be cured by antibiotics.
24:41Or you send off
24:42for some female sea monkeys
24:44and they just calmed down.
24:48Then a false man
24:49was another one
24:49who experimented on himself.
24:50He was the first person
24:51to insert a catheter
24:52into somebody's heart.
24:54His own heart.
24:55Why?
24:55He inserted the tube
24:56through his arm
24:57into his heart,
24:57walked into the x-ray department,
24:59took a picture
24:59to prove what he'd done.
25:01It lost him his job,
25:02but he won the 1956
25:03Nobel Prize for medicine.
25:04There's a theme emerging.
25:05Did he take that
25:06£750,000?
25:08Who sucks a man for that?
25:11Oh, not you again.
25:15What the wrong
25:15with the yoghurt
25:16in his arse?
25:20Enough already.
25:22Bacteria are the cause
25:23of stomach ulcers,
25:24as Nobel Prize winner
25:25Barry Marshall proved
25:26by deliberately infecting
25:27himself with them.
25:28Now, which green vegetable
25:30has ten times more iron
25:32than average?
25:33Oh, I don't know,
25:34but you have to eat it
25:34if you're having rabbit.
25:36Very true.
25:37Do you know that?
25:38Very true.
25:41Goes well with rabbit.
25:43Any other thoughts?
25:45Spinach!
25:47Oh, sorry.
25:50Oh, hard luck.
25:52Broccoli.
25:57Oh, dear.
25:59Seaweed.
26:00Oh, that's more intelligent,
26:02but still not true.
26:03I call it a vegetable
26:04because it is,
26:05strictly speaking,
26:05a vegetable rather than
26:06an animal or mineral,
26:07but it's better known
26:08as a culinary addition.
26:10Like parsley.
26:11What's parsley?
26:12It's called a herb,
26:13Corrienne.
26:14Marshlandish.
26:14I can't give you any more.
26:16Mint, bush, basil.
26:17I can't give you any more time.
26:19Time.
26:19Is it time?
26:20Time.
26:21Why does your body need it?
26:22It would go floppy and wobbly.
26:25What does it do?
26:26Iron in the blood.
26:28The red blood cells
26:28helps them transmit oxygen.
26:30You're right.
26:30It transports from the lungs
26:32around the body.
26:33Quite right.
26:33Very good.
26:34If you ate three and a half ounces
26:35of ground time,
26:36you'd consume over 600%
26:39of your recommended daily amount.
26:40Does that mean you could then
26:41eat rabbit for six days?
26:44Probably would, yes.
26:46Oh, that's what I'm thinking
26:46about then, isn't it?
26:47Yeah, I'd let you do that.
26:49And so,
26:50unless anyone would like
26:51a coffee or liqueur,
26:52it is time to split the tab.
26:54And what do we find?
26:56Well, in first place,
26:59getting Michelin stars,
27:01would you believe?
27:02Okay.
27:03It's Alan Davis
27:04with minus two.
27:10Our sous-chef
27:12with minus three points
27:14is Johnny Vegas.
27:20I'm barely scraping a GCSE
27:22in home economics
27:23with minus six points
27:24is Jimmy Carr.
27:31And finally,
27:33left washing the pots
27:35with minus 21,
27:37Phil Jupiters.
27:46Well, that's it
27:47from Jimmy, Johnny,
27:48Phil, Alan and me.
27:49And from Dick Cavett,
27:51who tells us,
27:51I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant
27:54and the food is delicious.
27:55The only problem is
27:56that half an hour later,
27:57you're hungry for power.
27:59Good night.
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