- 3 minutes ago
First broadcast 12th October 2007.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Dara Ó Briain
David Mitchell
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Dara Ó Briain
David Mitchell
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good afternoon, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, welcome, welcome and welcome
00:13to QE.
00:15Tonight, I'm happy to say, EC regulations have permitted us to register as a Euro quiz.
00:20Accordingly, tonight's committee is 95.62% European.
00:25From England, David Mitchell.
00:31From Ireland, Daryl Brienne.
00:37And all the way from Lithuania, Phil Jupitus.
00:45And from a little bit of Wales, that is always North London, Alan Davis.
00:57I, myself, have a little Hungarian in me, but never mind about that now.
01:02So, England are Schweinhunden.
01:04Uh, David goes...
01:06And Phil goes...
01:16And Phil goes...
01:23Dara goes...
01:30That was the Red Army Choir singing.
01:34And Alan goes...
01:43Stylish.
01:43So, let's not forget our Elephant dans le Chambre bonus.
01:49Uh, there it is.
01:50Spot the elephant for an extra-zahlung gratificatia, or as they say in French, un bonus.
01:58So, that'll be ten points in anybody's language.
02:00There are your elephants.
02:01They have a flag issue.
02:03Yeah.
02:03Oh yeah, what's the problem?
02:04David claims not to be English.
02:06I'm far from it.
02:08And furthermore...
02:09Yeah.
02:09I'm not Welsh.
02:11What?
02:12Well, give him your...
02:14Your wyvern or your griffith.
02:16So, it comes to a proper arrangement.
02:18When I did a programme about my family tree, it turned out nothing to do with the Welsh.
02:24Good.
02:25Allora, driving our gauche, obrigado, vamos in the Eurostar, and off to question one.
02:30We've raised the bar for this one a little, in recognition of the presence amongst us of the noted historian
02:36David Mitchell of Peterhouse, Cambridge.
02:38So, David, we'd like you to name the 5,732 provisions affecting the enclave of Baal-Hertog in the Treaty
02:49of Maastricht.
02:51Your time starts now.
02:54Well, this is an easy one.
02:58The enclave actually only exists theoretically because it's a sort of sandbank which was once farmed but was flooded in
03:06the 14th century.
03:07And it exists between Denmark and Germany in the Heligoland Bight.
03:11But it's sort of been an anomaly in diplomatic law ever since then because there were arguments about who owned
03:18it theoretically even though no one could go there.
03:19And so the 5,732 provisions are actually a provision for each of the former states of the Holy Roman
03:26Empire before it was dissolved by Napoleon.
03:29That is absolutely wrong.
03:32Not one thing that you said was true.
03:35Not one thing.
03:36Brilliantly convincing.
03:37It convinced the audience to already to applaud you.
03:40I think number 706 is no fat chicks.
03:46Well, firstly, do we know what the Treaty of Maastricht was?
03:50It's to do with the European Union, I think.
03:53No, you see, we've cheated a bit.
03:54You're talking about the second Treaty of Maastricht.
03:58There was a first Treaty of Maastricht.
04:00Was it about sandbanks at all?
04:02Not exactly.
04:03It was about settling which parts were Dutch Belgium and which parts were Frenchy Belgian Belgian.
04:09And it's so complicated in this particular place, Barel Hertog, that there are the 5,732 parcels of land all
04:19done up.
04:20You walk into a house and one room is Dutch, one room is Belgian, and it goes on.
04:26There are front doors split in two, as it were.
04:29One side is Belgian, one side is Dutch.
04:31And because the laws are different, the closing time in the Netherlands is earlier than Belgian.
04:39So in the same restaurant, they close half the tables because it's Dutch, and you have to move to the
04:45Belgian bit.
04:46And the Dutch, of course, are taking the piss a little.
04:48They have a huge sex shop right next to the Belgian townhouse.
04:52Just in the Dutch part.
04:53Crazy Dutch guys.
04:54Because they're not allowed.
04:55Hey, they're Belgian guys.
04:56Look at their cock rings and inflate them a lady.
05:01It is true that Belgium, as we know it, is an entirely artificial country anyway.
05:06Yeah, they were named after the Belgae, which was a tribe, and actually a lot of those were in Winchester.
05:11Belgae.
05:12I dare say someone just threw his pipe at the television.
05:15Fry just called me Belgian!
05:19Where's my gun?
05:23But as for enclaves, or enclaves in this way, that is a sort of country within a country.
05:29One of the most remarkable ones was suite number 212 at Claridge's.
05:33Was that Norway during the Second World War?
05:35Well, it was Yugoslavia for a few days because...
05:38So there were rows in that room.
05:41Ethnic cleansing in the bathroom.
05:48Yeah, the Queen was pregnant, and she wanted to give birth to the heir to the throne of Yugoslavia on
05:53Yugoslavian soil.
05:55So the British government said, we will allow for a few days suite number 212 to be Yugoslav soil.
06:00And actually, people got some Yugoslav soil, which they had handy, and put it under the bed.
06:05Apparently.
06:06Now, when is it cool for a brother to bring a chick into a monastery?
06:13Do they sort of have, you know, it's like on Christmas Day when, in the days of servants, the masters
06:18used to serve the servants.
06:20On Christmas Day in a monastery, all the rules are off, and it's, you know, time to shag everyone.
06:26Any idea where that might be, that monastery?
06:29Do you know in the audience?
06:30Greece.
06:31Greece, they know.
06:32You see, Greece, good audience.
06:33It's Mount Athos.
06:34It's Mount Athos, which is described by many as the holiest place on Earth.
06:39It contains 24 large monasteries and hundreds of small monasteries.
06:42It's only about 350 square kilometres.
06:44It's like Travel Lodge of open money Narnia, isn't it?
06:47It's just like...
06:49Count of all living, fantasy prices.
06:54It does look a little forbidding, I grant you.
06:56No females of any species are allowed on Mount Athos.
07:01I mean, obviously, they can't stop wild birds and stray cats, but no female animals, no female humans are allowed.
07:09Apparently, because the Virgin Mary discovered the place and said, no woman shall set foot here after me.
07:14Prince Philip visited it with the Queen.
07:15The Queen had to stay in a boat 500 yards from the shore.
07:19I dare say she was gutted to not...
07:21Oh, I'm joking.
07:22You're an idiot again.
07:23Oh, God, he's going to call them...
07:25Oh, what's he going to do now?
07:28Oh, God.
07:34Well, for a thousand years it's been like that.
07:36I mean, it's pretty astonishing, isn't it?
07:38But they do let in hens.
07:40Why would they let in hens?
07:42Eggs.
07:43They prefer eggs to the jizz of the male.
07:52You don't know monks very well, do you?
07:56You don't much prefer cock, I think.
07:58No, the...
07:59It's not actually to eat the eggs.
08:02To mock them.
08:05To throw little fakes on them.
08:07No, it's to use the yolk for mixing paints, for icon painting.
08:12So all their icons smell of egg.
08:14Well, a lot of temper, a lot of that is a good thing for binding paint together.
08:18It's been used egg yolk for a long, long time, apparently.
08:20So that's why they make an exception to their rule of no...
08:24So if you get trapped in a monastery and you can't find the fridge,
08:29yummy, yummy icons.
08:30Yes.
08:32Absolutely.
08:33Is it like that wallpaper in Willy Wonka where the different colours...
08:37Oh, it's Narsbury, it tastes of Narsbury.
08:41All the Jesus's taste of breakfast.
08:52The monastic police, the Sardaris, enforce the rules, not allowing women in, for example.
08:59They have had a meeting about it, you know, about how it's a mental rule.
09:04I don't think they have because some of them are very extreme.
09:08Some of them starve themselves.
09:09In fact, people who make that equipment for detecting dying people in the rubble after an earthquake or something,
09:17they actually went to Mount Athos and took samples of the breath of fasting monks so they could get a
09:23sort of an idea for their machines of the particular smell of a starving human,
09:29which is very important for the purposes of this rubble thing.
09:32So they have their uses, these mad monks.
09:35So no women, no food, no eggy paintings.
09:40Yeah.
09:41It's like a hoot.
09:42Yeah.
09:43Well, anyway, which would you rather have?
09:45The German disease?
09:46The French disease, the Polish disease, the Portuguese disease, or the English disease?
09:55Yes.
09:57I'm guessing that kind of they're the same thing as everyone describes it.
10:01It's like sadomasochism or a love of being tied up and spanked.
10:04It's just fetishes.
10:05Certainly the English vice is flagellation to the French, isn't it?
10:08The English disease.
10:09I think it's all clap, isn't it?
10:10Pox, certainly.
10:11Syphilis, yes, absolutely right.
10:13Syphilis, according to which nation you are, you usually call it your enemy's disease.
10:17So the French call it the English disease, the English call it the French disease.
10:21The Dutch call it the Portuguese disease.
10:23The Portuguese disease?
10:24The Dutch call it the Portuguese.
10:25Yes.
10:26What did the Dutch go against the Portuguese?
10:27And where do they meet?
10:28Navigational wars in the 17th century.
10:30They were at war for years over spices.
10:33Oh, spices.
10:34Spices.
10:36They fought battles over nutmeg.
10:38Yeah.
10:39There's the Dutch king in front of his cupboard.
10:41Where's my cardamom?
10:44We syphilis-riddled bastards.
10:47The very idea that a pox-ridden Portuguese bloke was thinking,
10:51I need some cumin.
10:53They value the spices.
10:55So much that they swapped Manhattan for the Spice Islands in Indonesia.
11:00Yeah.
11:01Yeah.
11:01That's how we got Manhattan.
11:03True.
11:03Good deal.
11:03It was New Amsterdam.
11:04And they used to use the nutmeg to preserve meat.
11:06That's why it was so valuable, because you could sail for a half around the world,
11:09as long as you had nutmeg.
11:10I think Alan should have points for all of this.
11:13Points!
11:15Wow.
11:16Top work.
11:18Enduring.
11:22One of the odd things about syphilis, though, is it appears to have arrived in Europe around
11:28the time America was being discovered, so many people thought it came from America.
11:31But it was first amongst German troops when they were besieging Naples.
11:35So it was called variously the German disease, the Neapolitan disease, because that was a kingdom then.
11:40What did they use for curing it right up until, really, the turn of the century, the turn of the
11:4419th, 20th century?
11:45Petrol.
11:46It was almost as weird, it was a poison, they used mercury, mercury.
11:50At Oscar Wilde's trial, it actually came up against him, that when he laughed, he put his hand up in
11:55front of his mouth,
11:56which was considered a sign of effeminacy.
11:58But it's probably because he had syphilis, and he'd taken mercury, which makes the teeth green and transparent and most
12:04unpleasant,
12:04so he was covering his bad teeth.
12:06But it was countered against him.
12:08They used to say, from Venus to Mercury.
12:11Didn't Edward VII take a lot of mercury?
12:13I think he might have done, yes.
12:14I thought that was for constipation.
12:16Yeah, they did for all kinds of things.
12:17It's a very sort of literal way of treating conservation.
12:19Oh, yeah.
12:20Drink an incredibly heavy liquid, and force the poo down.
12:25The alternative would be, stand on your hands and have a load of helium.
12:34That is a much better image.
12:36Yeah.
12:39This needs to foot than the next.
12:41Yes.
12:42Yes.
12:44Yes.
12:44Let it get on the tapestry.
12:49What a sick mind you have, David Nixon.
12:51And then someone comes in the room and they go, what's the matter with you?
12:54I've got constipation.
12:56No.
12:59Do you know what the later cure was?
13:00It actually won its deviser a Nobel Prize in 1927 for medicine.
13:04It was a weird cure.
13:06It was to give them another disease.
13:08Yeah.
13:08The other disease was malaria.
13:10Oh, God.
13:12You give people malaria, it will cure them of syphilis.
13:14The bacteria can't survive literally the heat of the body when it's got a malarial fever.
13:19Strange.
13:19Anyway, there you are.
13:21At this point in our Euro quiz, regulations require us to have a call my Euro bluff round.
13:28So, let's play Call My Euro Bluff.
13:36Ah, good evening and welcome.
13:40No, hush, tish and pimple.
13:43So, um, it's, uh, who should we start?
13:49We'll start with David.
13:50David, give us some, you know, regulation.
13:52It's illegal to sell bananas if they're too curvy.
13:58What do we think?
13:59Anyone got a theory about that?
14:00I think that's true.
14:01It's quite a well-known Euro regulation, straight bananas.
14:04It's utter arse of the highest order.
14:06So, you're saying a bluff, are you?
14:08Well, what do you feel?
14:10I seem to recall this is one of those things that the Daily Mail would suddenly go,
14:14How dare they say our bananas can't be bendy?
14:17Why has bendy bananas made this country by its balls?
14:20Yeah.
14:20Well, do you say you think it's balls?
14:22Would you like to reveal them?
14:24False.
14:25It's a bluff.
14:26It's a bluff.
14:27It's just you just have to say how big they are, which is fair enough,
14:30because you don't know why people are selling tiny pea-sized bananas.
14:32And the clincher is the current EU standards are identical to the pre-existing British ones,
14:38and the United Nations ones, and the OECD ones.
14:41I mean, it is, nothing has changed.
14:42Nothing is new, except, as you say, the ability of the press to make things up and scare us.
14:47The bananas are going to be straightened.
14:48And so, it's become rather political and rather exciting.
14:52Dara, what is yours?
14:54OK, well, this actually is true.
14:55Trawler men will soon be required to wear hair nets whilst fishing.
15:01Is this because they're handling food?
15:02It's exactly because.
15:04The point is to keep them clean right from the very start.
15:06So that's what it is.
15:07Is it convincing stuff?
15:08What do we feel?
15:09Well, it makes practical sense as well, of course, because the hair net could also maybe catch any smaller things.
15:14Like, you know, white bait or scampi that might get in the hair.
15:18And then you just, at the end of the day, oh, there's another, that's dinner.
15:21They're used to, yeah, they're used to handling nets.
15:23What were your thoughts?
15:24Well, I know they wear hard hats now at Smithfield Market and they never had to.
15:28They're always making people put things on their heads.
15:31Good point.
15:34I know, I like that.
15:35Good.
15:35What do you feel, Phil?
15:36Yes.
15:37You think it's true as well?
15:38So most people think it's true.
15:40Come, demonstrate, would tell us, put us out of our misery.
15:45It's a bluff as well.
15:46It's not true.
15:47In fact, I quote Richard Littlejohn.
15:49He goes, oh, what a circus.
15:51The safety Nazis have forced fishermen to wear hair nets.
15:54You couldn't make it up.
15:56Well, actually, oddly enough, Richard, you could and you did.
16:01It actually wasn't as if Littlejohn didn't make that up.
16:03No, he didn't.
16:04It was made up by British journalists in a bar in Brussels.
16:08Yeah, absolutely right.
16:08Who tried to run to see, will people fall for this?
16:11And the British press fell for it completely.
16:14It's because they know that people love their little five minutes of snorting anger over the breakfast.
16:18Bloody people, I don't, God, it's so true.
16:20It's ridiculous.
16:22Don't take an active interest in how your country's run for just 45 years and look what happened.
16:32Very good indeed.
16:33Absolutely right.
16:34So we've had two bluffs.
16:35Phil.
16:36I should do that, shouldn't I?
16:39What did it wear, Stephen?
16:40What did it wear?
16:43From January the 1st, 2008, circus tightrope walkers will be required to wear hard hats.
16:49There's an EEC regulation about safety in the workplace.
16:52Anybody, if their feet are more than four feet off the ground, have to wear a hard hat.
16:57I would believe that during performance, not, but during training, yes, bizarrely.
17:03Yeah, that sounds convincing.
17:04What do you think of that?
17:05I don't think, well, if you fell off a tightrope, that would fall off your head.
17:09That would be hopeless.
17:11Without a chin strap, it's actually an added hazard, isn't it?
17:14It probably is.
17:14Or it could fall on top of someone.
17:17So what are you saying?
17:19Bluff, true?
17:20Blur.
17:21Blurff?
17:21I'm saying it's a bluff.
17:23Reveal yourself, would you?
17:25Oh, it's also a bluff.
17:26The fact is, it is only true in the building and construction industry that you have to wear
17:30a hard hat at work.
17:31Presume for things where things come down on you rather than you going down on something else.
17:35Exactly right.
17:36I was in there.
17:37Go over there.
17:38Put a hat on when you're going down there.
17:43It was reported in the Times, the Daily Telegraph, and surprisingly, the Daily Mail,
17:48which is usually much more wise and thoughtful, that circus tightrope walkers are going to
17:53have to wear hard hats during their act.
17:55Mr. Archer, the circus general manager, added, this is just another loony law from Brussels,
17:59and we are the only country stupid enough to pay any attention.
18:02No, Mr. Archer, you are the only country stupid enough to believe it.
18:07Isn't that right?
18:08It's bizarre.
18:09Alan, have you got one?
18:10Yes, I have.
18:12I have got one.
18:14He's even got a crop.
18:14These, you may think, are sausages.
18:18I do.
18:19Bangers.
18:20They are not to be sausages soon.
18:22They're going to be called emulsified high-fat offal tubes.
18:28That's what you have to have in the label.
18:29Because that's what they contain.
18:29And there is a sausage firm in Wales, called Dragon Sausages, and they actually have to
18:36put on the label, no dragon in Queen.
18:40What do we feel, team?
18:42I think, if you want a high-fat tube, I recommend the district line between Bromley by Bo and Atman.
18:50No.
18:51No.
18:51No.
18:52No.
18:52No.
18:52No.
18:53I mean, there may be technically no one.
18:54Of course, there are different names.
18:55And even different brands of sausage will have different names.
18:57No, of course not.
18:58This is scary.
18:59Yeah, I think this story's been around for a long time, and yet sausages are still called sausages.
19:03Exactly.
19:04But is it true or is it false?
19:05It is a blur.
19:07It is also a blur.
19:08Very good.
19:09And it's actually a line from Yes Minister.
19:12There you are.
19:13Anthony Jane, Jonathan Lynn wrote.
19:14Well, that's it, ladies and gentlemen, from Eurobluff.
19:23Which is not to say, of course, that everything that comes out of Brussels makes sense.
19:27This mannequin piss is the symbol of Brussels, of course.
19:30Sometimes they dress her up, or him up, I should say, as Elvis, and sometimes it pees beer.
19:36What's it all about?
19:37I've seen it.
19:37It's the most unimpressive thing, apart from that mermaid in Copenhagen, which is also shite.
19:44There you are.
19:45It's like, it's all these signs, and it's just a, it's like yay big.
19:47Yeah.
19:48There we are.
19:48I've got a model of it.
19:49And it's actually not that scaled down, that model.
19:52In theory, this is a working one, I believe.
19:57That's pretty good, isn't it?
20:00How's that?
20:02You're right.
20:03Very nice indeed.
20:04Oh!
20:06You're drinking piss!
20:08If it's good enough for Sarah Miles, it's good enough for me.
20:11There is a theory.
20:12Does it have anything to do with elephants?
20:14Oh!
20:15Interesting.
20:16No.
20:18But it's good that you're thinking.
20:20One of the theories is that Brussels was under siege, and the enemy were laying explosives
20:25around the city walls, and a little boy saw this and peed on the fuses, thus saving the city.
20:32And so he's memorialising.
20:33I did that once and blew the electricity in the house.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:38There's another theory that it was the two-year-old Duke Godfried, and his troops put him up in a
20:44tree
20:44where they were having a battle, in a basket.
20:46And from there, he urinated on the enemies, and they lost the battle.
20:49That was in 1142.
20:52They stuck the crown prince, or whatever, in a tree that was just...
20:56The enemies were just underneath the tree.
20:58They threw a rock at the tree, right?
21:01How long has that statue been there, do you know?
21:04200 years.
21:05120 years.
21:0790 years.
21:09That's the point.
21:10It's a lot older than you might think.
21:11It's 14th century.
21:121388, there's been a missing boy.
21:1414th century.
21:14That's pretty good, isn't it?
21:15Yeah.
21:16Still works.
21:16Yeah.
21:17You get up there with a pipe cleaner every Sunday.
21:21LAUGHTER
21:22It's been stolen seven times.
21:25Seven times?
21:25Seven times.
21:26In 1817, one of the thieves who stole it, got 20 years hard labour.
21:30In 1978, they got let off with a warning.
21:34No one ever gets 20 years easy work.
21:37It's all the labour's hard.
21:39Yes.
21:39Don't say hard labour, it's just rubbing it in.
21:41We know it's labour, you know.
21:43Yeah, exactly.
21:44Not saying 20 years temping.
21:4720 years.
21:47Working in a call centre.
21:48Yeah.
21:50So, nobody knows for sure why Brussels chooses to identify with an incontinent five-year-old.
21:56Bonne chance to them, however.
21:57Now, this brings us to the worst euro nightmare of all, the single devalued currency that we call
22:04general ignorance.
22:05So, fingers sur les bouselles, they will play.
22:09Yeah.
22:09What is the highest mountain in Europe?
22:13Mont Blanc.
22:15Mont Blanc.
22:16Oh!
22:18Sorry you said that.
22:19No, it isn't.
22:20It isn't.
22:21Yes, it is.
22:25No.
22:26No.
22:26It does begin with an E, if that's any help.
22:28Enormo Blanc.
22:33Mont Blanc.
22:33There is she's different.
22:35Mont Blanc.
22:36Mont Blanc.
22:36Mont Blanc.
22:37Mont Blanc.
22:38Mont Blanc.
22:38Mont Blanc.
22:38Ont Blanc.
22:49It's, it's some island, it's from the bottom of the sea, if you measure, no.
22:53That's Edna, isn't it, Austromboli? No, it's not. It's actually right on the borders of Europe, but it does count
22:58as Europe. It's definitely Europe, isn't it?
22:59Is it somewhere in the Caucasus?
23:01It is in the Caucasus.
23:02Oh, I... Which of the mountain names of the Caucasus?
23:07Mount Elbrus is the answer. Mount Elbrus. It's where Prometheus was supposedly chained for daring to steal fire from heaven,
23:14and he had his liver pecked out every day by vultures as punishment.
23:17Ooh! Yes, that's gotta hurt.
23:20I just want to get it over with at the beginning of the day.
23:23Yes, you would.
23:25A hundred people attempt to climb the summit every day in the summer season, when it's not too cold, and
23:29about 30-odd die every year.
23:31Do you know that one in eight of people who try to climb Everest die?
23:36Really? That's a high attrition rate, isn't it?
23:38Not good, is it?
23:39Not good. Not good at all.
23:40You get acute mountain sickness because you can't breathe, so your stomach won't accept food, so you start throwing up.
23:47Apparently there are signs all the way up saying, if you are throwing up and you have a headache, go
23:50back.
23:52Yeah. But people don't.
23:54So, when you're putting your party together to go up Everest, just, if there's seven of you, just get one
23:58ready, someone you don't like.
24:01Definitely with asthma.
24:03Leave on, Weezy.
24:12In 1997, there was a Land Rover Defender that drove to the very top of Mount Everest, which is a
24:19high mountain.
24:20It's 18,510 feet.
24:22It's also a very busy mountain for people climbing it, all of whom must have been thrilled.
24:27Because he's a good drive.
24:29He found it there.
24:34But it's nearly 3,000 feet higher than Mount Blanc.
24:38Now, audience, audience, audience, what are the first words of the German national anthem?
24:53No, ladies and gentlemen, you are wrong.
24:56You idiots.
24:57There's so many of you.
25:00Minus 100, I fear.
25:02Welcome to our party.
25:05They thought it was Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber, Alice.
25:09I didn't.
25:09No.
25:10You know what it is, don't you?
25:12Nope.
25:13I thought it was that.
25:16It hasn't been for a very long time.
25:18Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber, Alice was the first verse that for 12 years was used at the German national anthem under
25:23the Nazis.
25:24Now, after the Nazis, they decided to choose only the third verse, which is the least controversial verse.
25:30Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit für das deutsche Vaterland.
25:35Danach lasst uns alle streben brüderlich mit Herz und Hand.
25:41I have an erection.
25:44It is hard not to be moved by that, isn't it?
25:47So, there we are.
25:47Unity and justice and freedom for the German fatherland.
25:51Not Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber, Alice.
25:54So, there we are.
25:55That's almost it.
25:56There is one last question.
25:57What is right under your noses and sounds like a bell?
26:01A smell.
26:02No.
26:04It's been under your noses all evening.
26:07The elephant, the flags.
26:08The joke is dung.
26:10Your notebooks are made of elephant dung.
26:13Oh.
26:14Do you see?
26:15Oh.
26:16Ah.
26:16Recycled elephant dung.
26:18You cunningly put the thing on.
26:20It's like the end of the usual suspects or something.
26:22It's been here all along.
26:26Which brings us to the scores.
26:29Soaring like a German eagle in the lead with minus five is Phil Jupitus.
26:41On his heels, like a pair of Russian wolves with minus seven, it's David Mitchell.
26:49Well, now, this is very, very tight.
26:53With minus 26 in third place, Alan Davis.
26:58Ha, ha, ha.
27:00Tottering along in last place like an Albanian nanny goat.
27:05With only one fewer than Alan.
27:07On minus 27, Dara O'Brien.
27:13But, you'd be pleased to know, in very last place with minus 100, it's the audience.
27:23Well done.
27:28Come to the end of our European adventure.
27:30So, from Alan, it's...
27:31Good night.
27:31And from David, it's...
27:33Nos da.
27:34And from Dara, it's...
27:36And from Phil, it's...
27:40And finally, from me, it's your ace-a-cut.
27:43And I leave you with this thought from Jackie Mason.
27:4680% of married men cheat in America.
27:49The rest cheat in Europe.
27:52Do svidaniya.
27:52I love you.
27:53It's...
27:53It's one of the best...
27:53Yong him.
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