- 5 hours ago
First broadcast 26th November 2010.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jeremy Clarkson
David Mitchell
Ross Noble
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jeremy Clarkson
David Mitchell
Ross Noble
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, hello. Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to QI for a bracing dose of health and safety gone mad.
00:12Tonight's community safety officers are the health-conscious David Mitchell.
00:20The heavily insured Ross Noble.
00:27The distinctly dangerous Jeremy Clarkson.
00:35And an accident waiting to happen, Alan Davis.
00:43So, signal from me, activate your hazard warning indicators, please, gentlemen.
00:49Ross goes...
00:50Dive, dive, dive.
00:53David goes...
00:54Dive, clear the doors, please.
00:58Jeremy goes...
00:59Vehicle reversing. Vehicle reversing.
01:02And Alan goes...
01:03Don't touch the button.
01:08Now, to demonstrate our sincere commitment to health and safety, we've made you all fill in some forms earlier, which
01:14I hope you've all done.
01:15Why is there a picture of Richard Whiteley?
01:18Because...
01:18You would take...
01:19You can take your hat off, if you like.
01:21Thanks, because my hair would be ruined.
01:24Yes.
01:24You couldn't have that.
01:26You all took the white...
01:28Flour away hair.
01:34You all took the Whiteley test, which is a test for hypochondriasis, to test whether or not you are hypochondriacs.
01:41The test was a bit of a stupid test, though.
01:43The tests are, aren't they?
01:44What was particularly stupid about it?
01:46Well, every question and test, you had to answer one, two, three, four, five.
01:50Yeah.
01:50And one meant not at all.
01:51Two meant a little bit.
01:52Three, moderately.
01:53Four, quite a lot.
01:54Five, loads and loads.
01:56And then one of the questions was, do you worry about your health a lot?
02:00And so, how can you answer moderately to, I worry, I moderately worry about my health a lot.
02:05I worry about my health a lot a little bit.
02:07I worry about my health a lot a lot.
02:09I mean, the answers didn't go with the questions.
02:12No, you're right.
02:13They didn't think it through, did they?
02:14No, I'm sorry.
02:15I mean, how long did they spend on it?
02:16Three minutes?
02:17Because if it was four, they're idiots.
02:20Okay.
02:21Here we are.
02:21Ross, you scored 20.
02:24Right.
02:24And any score between 14 and 28 is not a hypochondriac.
02:28Right.
02:28Don't worry about your health.
02:30You don't think there's something wrong with your body.
02:32But I am terrified that a giant Richard Whitely is going to kill me with a clipboard.
02:35Yes.
02:36They should have asked that question, shouldn't they?
02:39My tendency with those things is to put the thing basically all the way through the middle.
02:44Yes.
02:45Do you want to kill children moderately?
02:50I don't want to be too much either way.
02:53The thing is, this test is all about how much you're worried about your health.
02:56Yes.
02:57But the results are meaningless unless we also have medicals.
03:00Because it may be that Ross is at death's door, in which case he's an idiot for being
03:05so lazy.
03:07That's true.
03:07Or it may be that one of us who's come out as obsessed with our health is also at death's
03:12door, in which case that's a very sane response.
03:14Ross?
03:14Once again, your relentless, urgent and slightly worried logic is making this a nonsense.
03:20Ruining the program again.
03:21No, it's not.
03:22It's absolutely spot on.
03:24I didn't read the questions.
03:25Didn't you?
03:26No.
03:27Because you always put five.
03:28That's the point of all those things, don't you?
03:30I'm always absolutely terrified of it or not bothered at all.
03:35There's no...
03:35This explains why Alan is a mild hypochondriac.
03:39Ross is not a hypochondriac.
03:41David is a borderline hypochondriac and you are dangerously...
03:47Well, actually I am.
03:48I didn't know that it was about hypochondria because as I say I didn't read the questions,
03:52but I have.
03:52I've got every single disease there is.
03:54I mean really every one.
03:56Are you telling me you've got elephantitis?
03:58Yes.
03:59Of the scrotum.
04:02I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease, two slit discs, a very...
04:08And a partridge.
04:11I've got every conceivable disease there is.
04:13With those testicular torsions, if that keeps going, you get to a point, if it's not treated,
04:18it's like winding up an elastic band.
04:20It just... your willy goes...
04:24Take off like an aeroplane.
04:26Make sure you've got plenty of room.
04:28Yes.
04:29I went outside for a cigarette before the show and I thought,
04:32for once I'm not going to get lung cancer because I'm wearing this.
04:37You know who I feel sorry for the most is construction working goths.
04:43Because they've got... they love a black outfit.
04:45Yes.
04:45That's what they have to wear.
04:47But they've got to earn a living and this goes against everything they stand for.
04:50It's not fair.
04:52But these are reflective so they could have, you know, just the reflective.
04:56Ah.
04:57Would you want a reflective goth?
05:00I would.
05:01Absolutely, yeah.
05:01I'd like one in me house.
05:04Bring out the reflective goth.
05:06Emos are quite dark as well, aren't they?
05:08Yeah, but they're not the full...
05:10They're not the full goth.
05:11I'd love to see an act called Rod Hull and Emo.
05:18No.
05:19No.
05:20No.
05:21No.
05:22Just be in my room.
05:25Ah, but anyway...
05:26The other thing about this test is, it's got a failure rate of plus...
05:29His test is?
05:30No, you don't.
05:30Oh, I see, sorry.
05:31Yes.
05:32His test is?
05:34No, you don't.
05:34Is it plus or minus 11?
05:36If you have a score of 21 plus or minus 7, you're not.
05:39But if it's 44 plus or minus 11, then you are.
05:42What am I just for the record?
05:44Extremely dangerously hypochondriac.
05:46You should see a doctor at once about your hypochondriac.
05:48Because I found out the other day that not everybody thinks about death constantly.
05:53Yeah, it's a worry when you discover that.
05:54I know exactly what you mean.
05:55You assume what you feel is what everyone feels.
05:58It says do you have aches and pains or think you have aches and pains
06:00or think about having aches and pains or something like that.
06:03But I do actually have got aches and pains.
06:05Well, then you see, that was sort of David's point, that it is, yeah.
06:08I mean, everybody...
06:09If I hadn't fessed up to my actual aches and pains...
06:12No, I think...
06:13I wouldn't be hypochondriac.
06:14Part of what is hypochondriac is people not expecting to have aches and pains
06:19and thinking, therefore, it's very serious.
06:21I mean, the first sign of a hypochondriac is someone who, if they have a headache,
06:24thinks it's a brain tumour.
06:26It's an aneurysm.
06:27I've got...
06:27I had one about an hour ago.
06:29An aneurysm.
06:30An aneurysm.
06:32I could feel the artery.
06:34Right in the middle of my head.
06:36Agony.
06:37And did it go right down into your testicles?
06:39No.
06:40I've got an...
06:41Anyway, but...
06:43I've definitely had one earlier.
06:44Because I don't have...
06:45Most people have headaches.
06:46I have savage pains like lightning bolts.
06:49Most people have headaches, but your headaches are actually in your head.
06:52They're fine.
06:53You know what you mean?
06:55People moan about that.
06:57They're sore knees, and you've got to go, it's not the same as when it's my knee.
07:02And what does it, with this test, what does it mean if you write the answers in your own blood?
07:09That would mess with their heads, wouldn't it?
07:11Oh, it would.
07:11Not as bad as if you write it with somebody else.
07:14No, that would be...
07:15That would be...
07:16My favourite question on there, sorry, was it says...
07:19I can't remember it now.
07:20Oh.
07:21Do you suffer from forgetfulness?
07:22What was it about?
07:23It says, if you don't feel very well, do you get annoyed when someone says you look like you're getting
07:30better?
07:31Mmm.
07:31Ah, that's an interesting one, that.
07:33Yeah.
07:33Yeah, I feel terrible.
07:34You look alright.
07:36You feel ill.
07:38Yeah, but you do fine.
07:38Look!
07:39If a disease is brought to your attention through radio, TV or newspapers, do you worry about
07:44getting it yourself?
07:45No.
07:45You don't?
07:46No.
07:46So when you read about a flesh-eating thing in some newspaper...
07:49What flesh-eating thing?
07:50Yeah!
07:51No.
07:52Now, how would you use one of these to save someone from drowning?
07:57I've got one here, I'm going to have to put gloves on, because it's a very delicate instrument
08:00that I have, and I'm not allowed to touch it.
08:02It's been lent to us by the Wellcome Collection, which is one of the best medical collections
08:07in the world.
08:08He could save himself by, for example, swimming.
08:11Yeah.
08:12Rather than go...
08:13Let's imagine somebody had landed up on a beach, almost dead from drowning, and you
08:19have one of these.
08:19Is it a bellows?
08:20It is a bellows.
08:22It's a set of bellows.
08:22Well, let's just pump air into his lungs, it's easy.
08:25You'd think that, but no.
08:26Up his bum.
08:27Are we saving them for drowning?
08:29Ballantum.
08:30Ballantum.
08:30Repeat what you said.
08:31Up his bum.
08:32Yes.
08:32So it's up the bottom, but it isn't air.
08:35There's more to it than that.
08:36Is it spit?
08:37Is it air?
08:38No.
08:38Brandy.
08:38You unscrew that, and you put tobacco in.
08:41Are you ordering?
08:41Tobacco?
08:42Yes.
08:42You put tobacco in.
08:44You light it.
08:45It's smoke.
08:45Up the bottom.
08:48There's several flaws with your argument.
08:50Chief among which, if you're drowning, you're in water.
08:53Yeah.
08:54Which is going to put it out.
08:55Yeah.
08:56Secondly, who's got time to fill that with tobacco and light it while somebody's drowning?
09:00And thirdly, it's rubbish.
09:02Yeah.
09:02I mean, these are all obviously pretty strong arguments.
09:05It's basically if someone, you're trying to resuscitate someone.
09:07Ah.
09:08And it's not just like someone once wrote it might be a good idea and so we've seized on
09:12it.
09:12This was general mainstream medical belief.
09:15And these were hung up all along the Thames.
09:18On the embankment.
09:19From the tobacco.
09:19And on canals and waterways.
09:21How many people?
09:21And people were expected to know, much as you might be expected to know where a fire extinguisher
09:25was, where the bellows were.
09:27And you fill that with tobacco and presumably you puff it like a pipe having washed it from
09:32its previous use.
09:34And, er, then...
09:36Like that.
09:37So it would be next, as it were, the life ring.
09:40Yes.
09:40Exactly so.
09:40So you throw the ring, then you drag them in.
09:42Yeah, I know it seems bonkers.
09:43What happened apparently in the 17th...
09:46There's an example.
09:48There you are.
09:49This is before this was invented and you needed someone with a pipe.
09:53Blow man, for God's sake!
09:55Is it sucking or blowing?
09:56I can't remember.
10:00I think it's blowing, is it?
10:02I don't know.
10:03But be sore man.
10:03He's drowning.
10:04I'll do both.
10:05I'll suck first.
10:07So is it just the shock of the sensation of having smoke blown up your arse and makes
10:12you sort of splatter back into life?
10:14Who knows?
10:15Apparently in the 18th century, in the late 1700s, a woman was found drowning and apparently
10:21almost dead and people tried the normal things and someone suggested blowing smoke up her arse.
10:27It seemed to work.
10:28So there was a point where they went, kiss a life, just wait a second.
10:33Exactly.
10:34Run with that pipe.
10:36So what it is clearly is someone managed to get better from drowning at a moment coincident
10:41by someone having smoke blown up their arse and then for years poor other people on top
10:46of the indignity of nearly drowning have had to face that.
10:49That could be a lot worse.
10:50It could have been coinciding with having his eyes gouged out by crows.
10:54Yeah, that's true.
10:55Gouged his eyes out by crows!
10:58It would be a beautiful sight though.
11:00We have blown the smoke up there and the person splutters back to life and then takes off
11:04down with the smoke coming out.
11:07You're not going to speed the corner!
11:09That bloke on the left looks like he's going to rob his trousers if he doesn't come round.
11:13He's a villain in 18th century London.
11:15Well, he's generating the smoke, you see, because he didn't have an all-in-one device like this.
11:20So on the right it's got the pipe.
11:22Oh, Christ.
11:22So he has to French kiss the face in a hand.
11:24This has nothing to do with saving a drowning man.
11:28This is for versions of old London.
11:30I think we've got another picture of him as well.
11:32I hope there's real people.
11:33Yeah, we can have a...
11:34We did have...
11:35There you are.
11:36Well, he's not drowning.
11:38No, well, he's just in the pub.
11:40He's just in the pub.
11:41This is that scene from Pulp Fiction when...
11:45This is actually...
11:46This is bad because it means people can say at almost any point,
11:50I think I might be drowned.
11:52And also, as if that's bad enough,
11:55as if that doesn't look wrong enough,
11:57the bloke in the background went,
11:58I think I'll get me donkey in on this.
12:02It's like...
12:04Oh, when you said blow smoke up my ass...
12:08Oh dear.
12:09Oh dear.
12:14I know what a strange world we lived in,
12:17but that was mainstream medical science.
12:20Oh God, that's got stuck in my throat that far.
12:23The bellow.
12:24The bellow.
12:27The bellow.
12:28Yes, it used to be thought that the best way to revive a drowning man
12:31was by pumping tobacco smoke up his backside.
12:33Speaking of life-saving devices, I have some here,
12:36and I'd like you to tell me what you think they're for.
12:39These are the real thing.
12:42Erm...
12:42And they are there to save lives.
12:44How would that save your life?
12:46Can you see?
12:47Wow.
12:48If you look...
12:50You've got to look at your neighbour
12:51to see what you look like,
12:53and see if you can work out how this could be of any use.
12:58Is it for doing complicated experiments?
13:00Not really a complicated experiment.
13:02It's if you're dealing with some animal
13:04that doesn't like being looked at in the eye.
13:06Oh, Alan, you are on sparkling form.
13:08You're absolutely right.
13:09What sort of animal might that be?
13:11It's a bear.
13:12It's a bear.
13:12Not a bear, actually, in this instance.
13:13Some dogs don't like it.
13:14There are plenty of animals that don't like it.
13:16Ants.
13:16Hates it.
13:17Ants.
13:17Not so much ants, to be honest.
13:20It's great that you're trying.
13:23But not ants.
13:24A tiger or a lion?
13:26A big cat.
13:26It's a big primate.
13:28Ooh, a gorilla.
13:29No, it's a big prim...
13:29It's a gorilla.
13:31It's a gorilla.
13:31You'll see it has written on the side of it there,
13:33in Dutch.
13:34Gorilla.
13:34The Oplossing.
13:36It's a little simple.
13:37Just a moment.
13:38Then it says,
13:39Bukito Kaike.
13:40Which means, Bukito viewer.
13:42Kaike.
13:42Ava Kaike.
13:43Is to look.
13:45Yeah.
13:45But the trouble with these is,
13:46is it does look a bit like you're going,
13:48ugh.
13:49I know.
13:49I don't know what that is.
13:51Gorillas like that.
13:51They like that.
13:52What they don't like is a long, loving look.
13:54What happened was,
13:55in Rotterdam Zoo,
13:56this gorilla called Bukito,
13:58and a woman thought she was bonding with him,
14:00and she would sit and smile,
14:03and gaze lovingly into his big brown eyes,
14:05and that is the worst thing you can do
14:07to a silverback,
14:08to a dominant male.
14:09And one day he just grabbed her,
14:11he leapt over,
14:12he bit her a hundred times,
14:13and he broke many of her bones,
14:15shall we say.
14:16And she was very nearly killed by him.
14:18And she was revived by a smoke.
14:20Yes.
14:21That's what happened,
14:22fortunately, being died.
14:23I'd like to have a pair of these
14:24if I ever get pulled over for speeding.
14:26So...
14:28Do you know why you've been pulled over?
14:30I've no idea.
14:33Where are you?
14:33Where have you gone?
14:35You big gorilla, you.
14:38We went to the zoo,
14:40and my mate, Mike,
14:40who's an odd bloke anyway,
14:42we were in the monkey enclosure,
14:44and he was staring at a monkey for ages,
14:47and the monkey stared back at him,
14:48and went like this.
14:52Hello.
14:53Yeah.
14:53And what did that mean, do we think?
14:55Well, they're married now, so...
15:00Yeah.
15:00So can you...
15:01If you're feeling a bit sad,
15:02can you put them on upside down?
15:04Oh.
15:04Oh.
15:05I suppose you could.
15:06Yes.
15:07So for weeks and weeks and weeks,
15:08this woman would think,
15:09I'm getting on really well with this gorilla,
15:10and the gorilla's been thinking,
15:11I hate that.
15:12Yes.
15:13I'm going to do something.
15:14At some point,
15:15I'm going to crack.
15:17Have you snapped, yeah.
15:17But have they...
15:18Did they check that it wasn't just
15:19an incredibly annoying woman?
15:23Tell me they didn't put the gorilla down or anything.
15:25No, he was tranquilised.
15:26After attacking her,
15:27he went into a cafe,
15:28where he caused a bit of a sensation.
15:32Cappuccino!
15:32Don't look at me!
15:35To be perfectly honest...
15:37There he comes.
15:37What would you like, sir?
15:41Cappuccino and a penguin biscuit,
15:42certainly.
15:42We'll bring it over.
15:44No, no, it's on us.
15:45I'm sorry that the cappuccino isn't actually in the cup,
15:48but I'm not really looking properly.
15:50That'd be a nightmare, wouldn't it?
15:51Because if you had those on like that,
15:53and the cappuccinos were there...
15:54Yes.
15:55...all the cappuccinos were there,
15:56and the gorilla's there going,
15:58why are you looking at the cappuccinos there?
16:00Because the gorilla would think
16:01you were giving them the shoddy one.
16:03Yes, exactly.
16:04It's just a nightmare.
16:05Would dark glasses not do...
16:07They would.
16:08They would.
16:08I mean, to be honest with you, David,
16:10this was more or less a publicity gimmick
16:12by a health insurance company,
16:14but it was to emphasise the fact also,
16:16and they gave them out at the zoo,
16:17don't look directly into the eyes of Bukito the gorilla.
16:20The other option you have is,
16:22you don't have to wear these,
16:23you can just hide under the nearest picnic table
16:25and you'll be absolutely fine.
16:27I would say so, yeah.
16:27Why are they hiding under them?
16:29Because there's a gorilla.
16:30Because there's a bloody big gorilla.
16:33Well, the fact is,
16:34if you don't want to be beaten up by a gorilla,
16:36arm yourself with a pair of our special anti-gorilla spectacles
16:38and you should be fine.
16:39Your safety is always our priority.
16:42So, from a safety point of view,
16:45where's the ideal place to attach a sharp spike to a car?
16:51Vehicle reversing.
16:51Yes, Jeremy, you'll know.
16:52I do, actually.
16:53In the middle of the steering wheel is the answer.
16:55Yes, it's the right answer.
16:56Can you explain why that might be?
16:57Yes, because at the moment you drive along
16:59and you think I've got a huge airbag,
17:01like a big comfy bouncy castle is going to burst out
17:03if I drive into something and I'll be fine.
17:05Yeah.
17:06But if you have an enormous spike, about a foot long,
17:09Yeah.
17:10Sticking out of the steering wheel,
17:11you drive like that.
17:13You would drive extremely slowly.
17:15And you would brake very slowly.
17:17This is a true fact.
17:18Nobody would exceed, what, six...
17:20I would say.
17:21...miles an hour if you had one of those in the middle of the steering wheel.
17:23In many ways it would sort of reduce the point of having a car at all.
17:28Quite a lot.
17:30Similarly, if you made cars perpetually on fire,
17:33people would probably be frightened to get in them at all.
17:38The trouble with that, though, is that wouldn't work for me
17:40because I look at that and just think,
17:42that's perfect because I could have a pasty on it,
17:44a sausage roll,
17:46and have two sandwiches,
17:48and have a Mars bar,
17:49and it would be...
17:50It's a sort of shish kebab.
17:51Yeah.
17:51It would be a motorway services kebab
17:53and I'd drive and nibble like that.
17:55Well, this is...
17:57This is all part of the theory of what's called risk compensation,
18:00the fact that we now live in such bubbles in cars,
18:02we've got crumple zones and cages and ABS.
18:05So if there's a problem with people feeling like their cars are a bubble...
18:08Yeah.
18:09...what happens with bubble cars?
18:10Oh!
18:11Does that...
18:12Double bubble.
18:12Does that make it more dangerous to drive?
18:14Could someone look into that for me?
18:16Why do people think bubbles are so safe?
18:17Well...
18:17They burst really easily.
18:19I'd rather be in a car.
18:21Wouldn't that be great?
18:22I could care if you were just driving a bubble car
18:24and just went...
18:25Yeah.
18:26Where's my car gone?
18:28Yeah.
18:28Exactly.
18:29I mean, seatbelts, of course, were an example.
18:32In 1983, as you know, they came in.
18:34Yeah.
18:35And did they reduce the number of deaths?
18:38Seatbelts?
18:39Yeah.
18:39I've done enormously, yes.
18:40Well, oddly enough, road deaths were going down anyway.
18:43But what certainly went up commensurate with seatbelts being made compulsory
18:47were deaths of cyclists.
18:49That people were basically driving more recklessly, because they thought,
18:52I've got a seatbelt now, so I can, you know, it doesn't matter if I brake later.
18:55And it seems that that's the point of risk compensation.
18:58That if you think you're safe and in a safe car, you tend to drive commensurately more dangerously.
19:03And hence the point of the spike.
19:05Anyway, very good.
19:07Thank you all.
19:07A spike on your steering wheel would put your life at risk, but it might just save somebody else's.
19:12Now it's time for a round of You're the Health and Safety Officer.
19:16What equipment do children need to play conkers?
19:22No, they're not allowed to, are they?
19:24If, can I, we haven't heard that noise.
19:26Yeah.
19:28Goggles, are you saying?
19:29Yeah.
19:29Ah, you see, no.
19:31I'm afraid, much as we may deprecate the health and safety culture of our country,
19:37that whole thing was absolute nonsense.
19:39It was a school near Carlisle.
19:41I was going to say it was in Cumbria.
19:42That's right.
19:43And the headmaster didn't like health and safety, and to emphasize it and to sort of make a joke of
19:48it,
19:48he issued his school children with these goggles and said,
19:51oh, no, according to the way it's going now, this is how you have to...
19:54And all the papers, of course, picked up on the decision.
19:56Why, if we're dismissing the notion that the schools are pro-massive injuries,
20:01did they close when it was a bit snowy and icy?
20:04Well, I don't know.
20:05I'm not saying there isn't a health and safety culture problem.
20:07I'm merely saying that the Conkers one was definitely all made up.
20:11The best thing to do, that's something I do every time I go to the supermarket,
20:14see these yellow things here with the wet floor?
20:17Yeah.
20:17I like to walk along there and then just fall.
20:21See, a bum hits the top of it and it goes bang like that.
20:24And you just lie there going, oh, my God.
20:26And people go, are you all right? Are you all right?
20:28And you just go, some idiot's left this thing here.
20:30And you just can't handle it.
20:34It really should be a warning wet floor sign sign, shouldn't it?
20:38Exactly.
20:40Getting progressively starting small and building up to the actual one itself.
20:44Oh, okay, good.
20:46All you need to play Conkers are Conkers and string.
20:49Now, speaking as a health and safety officer,
20:52why would I stick my finger up your bottom
20:56if you couldn't name seven bald men apart from Yul Brynner?
21:03That is one of the oddest questions I've ever asked anybody.
21:06I can name seven bald men easily.
21:09You can.
21:10Well, then I won't have to put my finger up your bottom.
21:12Well, Ross Kemp.
21:12And then...
21:13Ross Kemp.
21:13Kojak.
21:14No, you can't mention him yet.
21:17Er...
21:17Does Kojak and Terry Zavallis count as two?
21:19Blofeld?
21:20No, that's one.
21:20Blofeld, that was...
21:22That's three and I'm actually now struggling to name any more bald men.
21:24Well, my finger up your bottom.
21:27Duncan Goochew.
21:28Did you have Duncan Goochew?
21:29Duncan Goochew, we've counted for him.
21:31Yeah, Matt Lucas.
21:31It's not...
21:32Yeah, Matt Lucas is pretty...
21:33We're terrified.
21:34We've got to get...
21:35Yeah, that's true.
21:36That's true.
21:37I'm not going to put my finger up any of your bottom.
21:39If you were going to blow smoke up my ass,
21:40I wouldn't be playing.
21:41That guy over there...
21:42I don't think you've named him, have you?
21:44I thought you've named him.
21:45Is this...
21:46Willie Thorne?
21:47Sorry.
21:47Willie Thorne, sorry.
21:49It's very good.
21:50I know you're supposed to put your finger up a dog's bum
21:52if it's biting you and it won't let go.
21:54I didn't know that.
21:55I didn't know that.
21:57I didn't know that.
21:57Yeah, bald terriers, dogs like that.
21:59Right.
21:59Right.
22:00Because their jaws are locked.
22:01Ah.
22:01The only way you can make them release it...
22:03Well...
22:04Okay.
22:05Well, no, no.
22:05You can use a stick or other implement.
22:08It doesn't...
22:08After the...
22:09The dog doesn't go,
22:10Is that a pen?
22:11I'm not releasing it.
22:15I think it would show considerable sang-froid to take out a pen while a dog is coming to your
22:27arm.
22:28I'll remove...
22:28No!
22:29Not the fountain pen.
22:30Just the bick.
22:33But to be fair...
22:34To be fair, the dog, in my scenario, is also a talking dog.
22:39Right?
22:39That's true.
22:40The best thing to do is go, you've been on your holidays.
22:42Well, the thing is...
22:43Oh!
22:44There you are!
22:45There you are!
22:48Okay.
22:49Good.
22:50That's nice.
22:51But...
22:51Coming back to...
22:54Coming back to your sensible question.
22:56Supposing you had this problem that I wanted to cure.
22:58One of the ways to cure it might be to get you to name seven bald men.
23:01Another way might be to make you drink a glass of water while a friend plugged your ears...
23:05Hiccups!
23:06Hiccups!
23:06Hiccups!
23:07There are many supposed cures for hiccups.
23:09Thinking of bald people.
23:11It does something to your brain that apparently can help you.
23:14But there is only one absolutely surefire medical way of stopping hiccups.
23:19And that is...
23:19Death.
23:20Digital rectal...
23:21Digital rectal massage.
23:24I.e. putting a finger up a bottom and having a bit of an old wiggle.
23:27I never knew that the bottom was a passage to so many cures.
23:33I thought it was just a spelling excrement.
23:37But no!
23:38When you say digital rectal massage, was there a point where it changed from analogue?
23:44Was that a...
23:45Was that a...
23:46Was that a...
23:47I think...
23:48I remember because...
23:49I think...
23:51I think there was a big campaign on the TV at the time.
23:54Yes.
23:54And they were going...
23:55A lot of people were going, oh no, it's not a very good signal.
23:57It's not as warm!
23:57Get up on the roof and exhaust the area.
24:00I tell you what...
24:01Hurry up!
24:02I can't...
24:02I tell you what, I can't wait till 2012!
24:05It's somehow colder, isn't it, the digital?
24:07It's not as warm as the analogue.
24:09But it's a lot more vivid.
24:11It is more vivid.
24:13Spell hiccup.
24:14H-I-C-C-O-U-G-H.
24:16But why is it pronounced...
24:19No!
24:20It's considered an error.
24:22It's considered an error.
24:23It's considered an error.
24:23It's always written like that in the paper then.
24:25Yeah.
24:25Every newspaper has a house style on it.
24:27Yeah, that's true.
24:28Well, I mean, it seems unfair to take the point away
24:30because a lot of people do spell it like that,
24:32but there's no...
24:32I think we're wrong.
24:33It's an erroneous back formation
24:35because it was considered maybe something to do with the cough
24:37when it is nothing to do with the cough.
24:39It's just named after the...
24:39The old English was always hiccup spelt in different ways
24:41with Ys and CKs and hiccup and various things.
24:45Anyway, digital rectal massage is the only proven cure for chronic hiccups,
24:49although there are plenty of folk remedies you could try
24:51if you didn't happen to have any rubber gloves handy.
24:53Now, what about the working at height directive?
24:57What should somebody having an out-of-body experience
25:00look out for as they near the ceiling?
25:03Spinning fans, ceiling fans, is it?
25:06Well, yes.
25:06If it's an out-of-body experience,
25:07presumably their spirit can go through the fan.
25:10Yeah.
25:10They should look out for a couple of undertakers coming in
25:13and taking their body away while they're floating.
25:14Yes, that's the kind of thing they imagine.
25:16Is this something to do with health and safety?
25:18No, it's not really.
25:19It's to do with the whole nature of the out-of-body experience.
25:22A doctor at the University of Southampton
25:23has undertaken a three-year test in 25 hospitals
25:27to see if it really is possible.
25:29And the way he's done it is on top of cupboards and shelves,
25:34he's put randomly generated pictures
25:37so that if someone genuinely had risen up above that level
25:42and looked down and then survived,
25:44they're asked to fill in a form and say what they'd seen.
25:47You see?
25:48I think they would be more focused
25:50on their own chances of life or death
25:52than something that's on the top of a cupboards.
25:54but that isn't the history of what people say.
25:56The anecdotal evidence is that they look down
25:58and they describe quite closely what it is they've seen.
26:00I mean, it's a long shot, let's be honest,
26:03but it's a genuine experiment.
26:05They should put, like, a £20 note up there,
26:06and then when they go,
26:08oh, thank God I'm alive,
26:09and they're just looking.
26:10Yeah.
26:11Just wait till the doctors leave.
26:14Are they cashing in?
26:15It may be better psychology.
26:17You could suggest it to him.
26:18What are the results of this survey?
26:19Did he say that people have...
26:20It's really annoying, Dr. Sam Parnier,
26:22it's due to be announced in 2011,
26:24and we called him up,
26:26and he refused to give us the scoop.
26:28So we just don't know.
26:29Imagine how annoyed would you be
26:30if you did all that research
26:31and it turned out that the top of the shelf,
26:33the top of the thing was so dusty,
26:35you couldn't see the picture.
26:37Oh, no.
26:38That would be annoying.
26:40OBEs, they're called.
26:41Out-of-body experiences.
26:45I reckon...
26:45...it will turn out that they can't see the things
26:48on the top of the cupboards.
26:49I...
26:50That's what I think.
26:52I...
26:52If you are having an out-of-body experience,
26:54try to remember to check what's on top of the cupboards.
26:56Now, imagine this.
26:57Jeremy is being mugged by an angry environmentalist,
27:01for example.
27:02There are three of you present.
27:03What would you do?
27:08I've been mugged by angry environmentalists several times.
27:11Have you?
27:12Yes.
27:12Somebody threw a pie in my face
27:14when I was dressed up as Henry VIII,
27:16getting her something or other.
27:17A vegetarian pie, presumably.
27:19It was...
27:19It tasted like banoffee,
27:20but she'd used a little too much sugar.
27:22I pointed that out to her.
27:24Anyway, go on, sorry.
27:26I would probably...
27:27I would punch a horse.
27:30Right.
27:30Yeah.
27:31I'd get a Shetland pony,
27:33and I'd get a hold of it,
27:34and then not to hurt it,
27:35but I'd just punch it a bit,
27:36and then there'd be in that dilemma of
27:38do we carry on the Clarkson attack,
27:40or do we go to the aid of the...
27:42I'd use clever psychology.
27:43Well, horses are no good,
27:45because horses produce methane,
27:46which environmentalists believe
27:48is even more powerful
27:49a global warming agent.
27:50Oh, well, in that case,
27:50I'd just turn the horse round,
27:52get a lighter,
27:53use it as a flamethrower.
27:57It's definitely holding its tail away.
27:59Yeah.
27:59The point is you would help, though,
28:00would you?
28:01No, I'd video it on me.
28:02I think...
28:06Are you all right, Jeremy?
28:07Yes, I'm fine.
28:08Right, I'm getting you all.
28:09Don't worry.
28:10Is it that if I were to intervene,
28:12I would somehow be liable?
28:14Ah, well, there is that.
28:15Of course, there's always
28:16going to be that legal problem.
28:17No, it's something called
28:18the bystander effect,
28:20and it's to do with the number
28:21of people witnessing a crime.
28:23The larger the number of people
28:24who witnessed a crime,
28:26the less likely that any of them
28:27will intervene.
28:29It isn't just a crime, either.
28:30It isn't particularly very funny,
28:31but I once was doing some go-kart racing,
28:34and the chap rolled his go-kart over
28:36in front of us,
28:37and all the petrol went all over him.
28:39He was going,
28:39oh, God, I'm covered in petrol.
28:41And then it caught fire.
28:42Oh, Jesus.
28:43And it was extraordinary.
28:44There were maybe 40 of us standing there.
28:46I was very close.
28:48Really close.
28:49And you just stand going,
28:51no other thing.
28:52It's amazing.
28:53But you know what that is?
28:54It's because you work in television.
28:56Yeah.
28:56And people in television do the same thing.
28:59They just stand there and they go,
29:01somebody ought to do something about that.
29:03Is there a runner?
29:04Is there a runner?
29:05Is there a runner we can get to do with it?
29:06Can I have a coffee?
29:07Can I have two shivers?
29:08This bloke's on fire.
29:09He's going to take aid.
29:10No, I suspect if you'd been on your own,
29:12at least this is what the bystander theory says,
29:14you would have helped.
29:16Oh, yeah.
29:16It's the fact that when there are others,
29:17there's a kind of dissolving of responsibility.
29:21And this seems to be a problem.
29:23Typical bystanders are we looking at here?
29:25The two on the right are dead,
29:26and the other two are doing nothing about them.
29:27That's something along those lines.
29:30Yeah.
29:31The worst I ever saw,
29:32and it was just me,
29:34and I did want to help,
29:35was on a cross-channel ferry.
29:37We've all been there,
29:38and it's a terrible storm,
29:39and everybody was being sick.
29:41I mean, really badly sick.
29:42And I went into the blues,
29:44and you know the doors have got their,
29:46they're sort of ship's doors,
29:47so there's a lip at the bottom.
29:49The entire lavatory was sick.
29:53Oh.
29:53And as the ship rolled,
29:55there was a man, a businessman,
29:56I'm in a suit, a tie,
29:58respectable-looking man,
30:00lying,
30:00and the sick would come across him,
30:04break over him,
30:05over his head,
30:06and I stood at the door,
30:08looking at this spot,
30:08it's like,
30:09and he was being sick.
30:10Oh!
30:11And he was being sick.
30:12And he just looked at the brain,
30:14looked straight at me,
30:16and just went,
30:17kill me.
30:22Do you know if I had a heart, I would.
30:24Oh!
30:25It was the worst.
30:27And instead of that,
30:28you just vomited on him.
30:29Oh, Lord, dear Lord.
30:31But in France,
30:32they actually have a law,
30:34a good Samaritan law,
30:35where you are duty-bound,
30:36to help someone,
30:37and whose life is...
30:38But that spoils it, doesn't it?
30:39It's a law.
30:40He's just obeying the law.
30:41No one's kind at all.
30:43Then do a kind thing.
30:43No, I had to.
30:46It's not on the other hand,
30:47if...
30:47If you were to get sued,
30:49for not helping.
30:50Yeah.
30:50But if you're lying there,
30:51no one's helping you,
30:52and you would be grateful for the law,
30:54probably, wouldn't you?
30:55Yes.
30:55But the odd thing about that law,
30:56is it was brought in by the Nazis,
30:57in Vichy France,
30:58in the 1940s.
30:59They're a complex bunch.
31:00They were.
31:02There was a bad side, certainly.
31:05And you were prosecuted,
31:07for not helping the Jews.
31:09You in court in the morning,
31:10you in court in the morning.
31:11Yeah.
31:12That was a Nazi.
31:13Yes.
31:14There's still a law in France,
31:15that you have to help somebody.
31:16It's called the Good Samaritan Law,
31:18and that's its nickname.
31:19Is it also just the thing,
31:21when you've got a large group of people,
31:23you know, like a committee,
31:24rather than one person,
31:25they essentially can't do anything.
31:27It's like,
31:27if you're in a room,
31:28sort of with eight people,
31:30who are vaguely thinking of going for a curry,
31:32it will take,
31:32you know,
31:3425 times as long to get to the curry place,
31:36it would take one person.
31:38Yeah.
31:38And the point comes,
31:39if you have up, say, 17 or 18 people,
31:41they will starve.
31:42Yes.
31:43You hit a tipping point.
31:45I think there is an element to that,
31:46unquestionably.
31:47There is a...
31:48And the curry doesn't need help,
31:49you know,
31:50so it's not, it's not mass,
31:52it's just incompetence.
31:53No, it's just the same principle.
31:54Yeah.
31:54The greater the number of people,
31:55the less likely you'd make a decision of any kind.
31:57I think it's also the fear of making a fool of yourself,
32:00especially if it's strangers,
32:01a group of strangers there,
32:02and you suggest something,
32:03some dominant figure is going to say,
32:05no, you're wrong,
32:06or you're going to...
32:07Jury service then.
32:08Yeah.
32:09So, anyway,
32:10the more witnesses there are,
32:11the less likely they are to help.
32:12It's called the bystander effect.
32:14Now, how could a seahorse help you get round London?
32:18That's...
32:19That's just silly.
32:20That's actually...
32:21Doesn't...
32:22That looks disgusting.
32:23That doesn't look like a seahorse.
32:24That looks like a leg of lamb.
32:28I love the fact that he's got that fierce,
32:30but he's still put a tie on.
32:31Yes.
32:32I look like a freak,
32:34but I'm going to be a smart freak.
32:36Do they all point the same way,
32:37or something like that?
32:38No, it's a sort of play on words on seahorse.
32:41What is it that enables us to get around the place?
32:44What's our internal sense of direction?
32:47Your hippo thingy.
32:48Hippo thingy.
32:49Campos.
32:50Yes.
32:50Now, what is it?
32:51A seahorse.
32:52A seahorse.
32:53It's called it because it reminded the first anatomists
32:57of a seahorse.
32:58What I like about that thing is that,
32:59when you are really, really drunk,
33:02that still works.
33:04Then you get home,
33:05but you have no idea how...
33:07How you get home, I know,
33:08that is one of the weirdest...
33:10How did you go home?
33:10I don't know.
33:11It is odd, though.
33:12I know the answer to this now.
33:13It's one of the things that I'm very grateful,
33:15I'm a little bit sort of tend towards the obsessive compulsive
33:18because it means that when I'm very drunk,
33:20I'm just sort of normal and efficient
33:22and don't lose my keys.
33:24See, that's really annoying
33:26because I don't drink
33:27and I lose my keys
33:28and frequently can't find my way at home.
33:32I did a thing on this one a while back.
33:34It's that bit of your brain,
33:35what's that called?
33:36The limbic system that can tell...
33:37Even if you're blindfolded,
33:38you can tell when a lion's come into the room
33:40because you can sense danger.
33:42And this one's...
33:43And it's going...
33:45And everyone's going,
33:46there's bloody lion in the room!
33:48There's a lion!
33:49No, that's right.
33:50It is the part of our brain
33:51that seems to look after our direction.
33:53Alan, can I help?
33:54I just wanted to see
33:56if you could double up safety-wise.
33:59That's good.
34:00Yeah.
34:00That's very good.
34:01Now you're all covered.
34:03Now you can show a gorilla a science experiment.
34:08See horses themselves?
34:09Have you ever encountered them?
34:10I've seen some in an aquarium
34:11and they had them in a long cylindrical tank
34:15about five foot tall
34:17and they were just going up and down it.
34:19Oh.
34:21That's not swimming.
34:23They're the only fish with a neck.
34:27Well...
34:27Yeah.
34:28The sad thing is
34:29that about 25 million of them
34:31are killed every year
34:32for Chinese medicine,
34:34which is unfortunate.
34:35That particular one there
34:36that we saw
34:37may have been doing an odd jiggery
34:38but it was a male
34:39and it was doing something quite interesting.
34:41Was it giving birth?
34:42It was giving birth, exactly.
34:43So they do have interesting sides for them.
34:45I've always wondered that fact
34:46and, you know,
34:47I know it is more complicated
34:48than I think.
34:49Yeah.
34:50But sort of...
34:50If it's the one that's giving birth,
34:52why don't we call that the female?
34:54Well, what's the female one do
34:56that's more female
34:57than giving birth?
34:59She just...
35:00She throws the eggs in the male.
35:01Oh, right.
35:02Again.
35:02Why aren't they actually large sperm?
35:05I know it's weird.
35:06Why are they defined as eggs?
35:08They don't come from the one that gives birth.
35:10That's how I mean...
35:11They've just...
35:11It seems so arbitrary.
35:12They've chosen that
35:13no, they're definitely more egg-like.
35:15Well, what everything else
35:15is pointing to
35:16because that one's the one that gives birth.
35:18No, no, no.
35:19It's the egg thing.
35:20Okay.
35:20That's the main thing,
35:21is the egg thing.
35:22So the male...
35:22The egg thing and bad at parking.
35:24But the male then fertilizes the things
35:25that have been planted by this...
35:27Right.
35:27...what you want to call a male.
35:29Yeah.
35:29So it really is pretty hard not to say they are male and female.
35:32And anyway...
35:33It's an unusual arrangement.
35:35The hippocampus is part of the brain that helps you navigate.
35:38It means and looks a bit like a seahorse.
35:40And now it's time to proceed with extreme caution
35:42as we approach the hazardous environment of general ignorance.
35:46Please place your fingers carefully on the appropriate location.
35:50Which of these birds would you trust to take home with you?
35:53Yeah.
35:55Sorry.
35:56I should put that better.
35:57Which of these birds would you trust to take you home?
36:01I assume you've been confusing me with your dirty talk.
36:05So the question is, is a blind pigeon better than a one-eyed robin?
36:09Yeah, or a particular one-eyed robin because the one is a...
36:13Vehicle reversing.
36:14Yes.
36:14It's the pigeon.
36:15The pigeon you...
36:16Yes.
36:17Because it follows magnetic lines.
36:18It doesn't need eyes for that.
36:20You're right.
36:20The pigeon could indeed take you home.
36:22But oddly enough, so could the robin on the right.
36:25The one whose left eye is covered.
36:27The one on the left, whose right eye is covered, couldn't navigate at all.
36:31Because he's pissed.
36:33No.
36:33Because his right eye is covered.
36:35Oh, right.
36:35That's the weird thing.
36:37So is the left eye just ornamental?
36:39No, it can see with it.
36:40This really is peculiar.
36:41But we know now that they use magnetism to navigate in their long journeys.
36:49You know this by the fact that you can disorient them, that's pigeons and robins and many others,
36:53by placing magnets near them and they suddenly no longer know where to go.
36:57But they also need to see.
36:59That's to say, they're not just sensing it.
37:02They obviously see some magnetic flux in the way that we see light and color, whatever.
37:07But the weird things they discovered, and gosh knows why they've tried it.
37:12But that a robin, it's only its right eye that sees the magnetism.
37:17With its left eye covered, it can find its way using magnetism.
37:22But with its right eye covered, it can't.
37:24So like an Apache helicopter pilot, they have to have the binocular rivalry, they call it.
37:28So you're saying that it would be physically impossible for a pigeon, a homing pigeon, to deliver a fridge magnet?
37:36Yes.
37:39It's a shocker.
37:40No wonder my business failed.
37:44Ridiculous.
37:44You're right.
37:45It is a shocker.
37:47So what do they think?
37:47If the right, the robin's right eye can see magnetism and also normal things.
37:51They think it's controlled in the left brain, therefore.
37:53So what's the left eye's special power?
37:55Well, just seeing.
37:56It's just an ordinary seeing eye.
37:58Or maybe you can see smells.
37:59Maybe it can.
38:00Like the sort of Bisto brown thing.
38:03Yes.
38:03You know.
38:03It can see deliciousness.
38:07There's clearly more work to be done.
38:09Anyway, it seems that robins somehow detect magnetic fields with their right eye, but the pigeons can also do it
38:14totally blindfold.
38:15What causes a hernia, gentlemen?
38:19What causes it?
38:20Yeah, what causes it?
38:21Isn't it the one stomach lining muscle breaking through another stomach lining muscle?
38:28Is that just what it is rather than what causes it?
38:30It's sort of what it is, yes.
38:32Are you trying to make us say something like lifting up a wardrobe?
38:34Yes, but you would never say that.
38:36No, I would never say anything foolish like that.
38:37I'd have been caught up with a little traps.
38:39You're quite right.
38:40Brilliant.
38:41You avoided the trap, one, the two.
38:43Yes.
38:43The fact is a lot of people seem to think that it's caused by lifting a great weight.
38:46You'll give yourself a hernia.
38:47Yeah, exactly.
38:48But lifting a great weight will announce it to you and will certainly make it feel worse, but that's not
38:52what causes it.
38:53It's a weakness, a congenital weakness, or it can also be things like smoking, obviously, wear down the collagen.
38:59But it's where one part of a body pops into another part, like that pink there.
39:03It's rather unpleasant.
39:05There you are, that's literally just blown out into the wrong part.
39:09It's rather nice.
39:10Essentially, bubble gum is herniated food.
39:13Yes, if you wanted to put it that way.
39:15Right, I'm going to move on now.
39:18Hernias are caused by a weakening in the abdominal wall.
39:21Lifting something heavy might make you notice it but it doesn't cause the weakness.
39:24Why shouldn't you drink on antibiotics?
39:28Ah, no.
39:29Dive, dive!
39:31Because that's what doctors say.
39:33All the time.
39:34Yeah, and operate machinery as well.
39:37Oh, and just heavy machinery.
39:38Yeah.
39:38Any sort of machinery, that's fine.
39:40Sewing machine, do that.
39:42Yeah.
39:42Operating a machine off your tits, normally.
39:45But not the space shuttle.
39:47You sort of, you can really, can't you?
39:50Because they sort of, they say, oh you'd better not drink but they just don't want you to have too
39:53much fun.
39:53It's like you can use a mobile phone at a petrol station.
39:57When antibiotics arrived, it was mostly in the 1940s and one of the first things that antibiotics was brilliant at
40:04was syphilis.
40:05And so they gave men with syphilis antibiotics and the trouble was they'd still be infectious for the first week
40:11of taking the antibiotics.
40:13And so they would say to them, don't get drunk, don't drink, because basically keep your, you know, keep your
40:19trousers on.
40:20So it's tradition.
40:20Right.
40:20It's tradition.
40:22Yes.
40:22I'm told when they give me antibiotics for my endless array of diseases, well, they say don't drink.
40:28They're just doing that for traditional syphilis.
40:30There are some antibiotics, there's one, I think, is it called flagell, I think, which is like Antabuse, which will
40:35make you vomit.
40:36It's really horrific.
40:38It doesn't stop the antibiotic working, it just makes you feel awful.
40:41So glad you're talking about that, because I hate being in the pub, so I go, no I can't, I'm
40:44on a antibiotic, so I'm a lot.
40:46No, I think, I think that's great.
40:48I'll go, woo!
40:49It's great that you say it's tradition, actually.
40:51Yeah.
40:51You're saying it's tradition, that's made me so much less likely to drink on antibiotics now.
40:56Really?
40:57You are a traditional fellow.
40:58It's traditional, I'll go, well, that's fine.
41:00Yes.
41:01I respect tradition, I like these traditions.
41:03Yeah.
41:03But we stop observing them, they'll disappear.
41:05Yeah, but the truth, by that logic, you'll be dressed as a Morris dancer.
41:11That's not a good thing.
41:12Well, we do all sorts of, you know, at Christmas lunch, I wear a stupid paper hat that makes my
41:18scalp itch.
41:19Yes, that's true.
41:21And, you know, and I wouldn't want to stop doing that, just for a little reduction in scalp discomfort.
41:25Well, well spoken.
41:27Very true.
41:28So, with, yes, a few specific exceptions, please ask your doctor.
41:32There is no general pharmacological reason not to mix antibiotics and alcohol.
41:36Which brings us to the scores.
41:38Oh, and how interesting they are.
41:41Safe as houses tonight, with a very healthy lead of plus six points, is our winner, David Mitchell.
41:46Ah, there we go.
41:49There we go.
41:52Followed, following a reasonably safe distance with plus two, by Ross Noble.
41:59Ah, there you go.
42:02With so close to minus four is Jeremy Clogson.
42:09but I think I'm safe in saying
42:13that tonight's loser with minus six
42:15is Alan Davis
42:24well sir
42:25thanks from David, Jeremy, Ross
42:27Alan and me
42:27and I leave you with this thought
42:29from Mark Twain
42:30be careful about reading health books
42:32he said you may die of a misprint
42:33take care and good night
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