- 14 hours ago
First broadcast 4th May 2012.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jeremy Clarkson
Dara Ó Briain
Ross Noble
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jeremy Clarkson
Dara Ó Briain
Ross Noble
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:07Welcome to tonight's QI, where we're giving ourselves up to an evening of idleness and indolence.
00:14Joining me in the hammock with a large gin and tonic in this week's edition of Knitting Today, we have
00:20the inactive Ross Noble.
00:26The immobile Dara O'Brien, the indolent Jeremy Clarkson, and the simply inoperative Alan Davies.
00:50And should any of our panel feel the need to bother with their buzzers today, they sound like this.
00:57Ross goes, Dara goes, Jeremy goes, and Alan goes, I'm not going to go.
01:12It's that kind of a lazy, lazy day.
01:16And before we dive in, I should remind our panel of the Nobody Knows Joker.
01:22Nobody Knows.
01:23Yes, for this series, there may be a question to which the answer actually is, nobody knows.
01:27And if you think that I've just asked that question, then wave the question mark that Alan has just demonstrated.
01:33And with that, we might as well shamble along into a question.
01:36I've got my hands on the American nuclear trigger.
01:40Without putting yourselves to too much effort, see if you can tell me what the code is.
01:46Secret trigger code.
01:47The secret trigger code given to every American president between the years of 1960 and 1977.
01:52I think that if you've got to remember it under pressure, and it would be a pressure situation beginning at
01:59the end of the world,
02:00it's got to be something quite simple.
02:01It's zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.
02:05That literally was the code.
02:07Four zeros, twice.
02:08Eight zeros.
02:09Eight zeros.
02:10Eight zeros.
02:10And you are.
02:11I'm good at math.
02:12It's me.
02:13Eight zeros.
02:14That was the password.
02:15Is that because you're just about, it's the end of the world, and you are going to go, oh, oh,
02:19oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
02:22oh, oh.
02:26Did the president, when he's putting, when he's testing this, did he do the chip and pin, you know, that
02:31little dance you do when the shop, is the shopkeeper just looking at you and you kind of go, pretend
02:35to press?
02:38What you do at Borgie, because I do it, I just do a cover.
02:41No, because you're not letting his polite shopkeepers now do this, which is what they call the petty chews.
02:46Yeah.
02:46You're just getting up there and they do that.
02:48To what?
02:50I think it's pretend to do other numbers than the ones they do.
02:52So you're there, you're there, with the lovely Debbie McGee going, uh, ta-da!
02:58Do your number, but while you're doing your number, you say a different number slightly under your breath, so you
03:02look like a bit of a nid.
03:03Well, that's like rubbing your tummy and patting your head.
03:06Yes, that is clear.
03:07His number's four, five, seven.
03:08But because the people I always hated at school were those who, when they were writing in a test, did
03:13that.
03:13Yeah.
03:14As if one cared about what dribble they wrote.
03:16That's because you're not an idiot.
03:17Oh, no, no.
03:18It's such a creepy way of behaving.
03:20So I always just do like that, grandly make sure that my number is, you know.
03:25I published mine in The Sun once.
03:28I remember that.
03:29It went quite badly wrong.
03:31That was very funny.
03:32I couldn't understand it because they were complaining that everybody's bank details had been left on a train by a
03:37civil servant or somebody.
03:38And I thought, well, it doesn't make any difference because all they can do is make a deposit.
03:42So I published my number.
03:43There you go.
03:44There's my bank account number.
03:45What are you going to do with that?
03:46And the diabetic society helped themselves to 500 quid.
03:49Yeah!
03:50Ah!
03:51Ah!
03:53Ah!
03:55Ah!
03:55Ah!
03:58And you can't get this, but the British code.
04:01What do you think that was?
04:03Crikey.
04:05You didn't even have one, is the answer.
04:08Basically, it was a bicycle lock key, and to arm the weapon, you remove two screws from a panel, like
04:14opening the back of a remote control device, you know, and this revealed the sequence of dials.
04:18But this wasn't codes, it was many settings, whether you wanted the bomb for an air burst or a ground
04:24burst, you just, you know, like that.
04:26So Harold Wilson had to undo the back of a panel, and then, I don't think they brought politicians into
04:32it at all, it was just Flight Lieutenant Sanderson.
04:34Oh, he just sets off.
04:35Yeah, yeah, that's right.
04:36And the moon took him.
04:37They should have had it, like, you know, at the top of a tin of ham.
04:40Yes.
04:43They go, well, the world's going to end, but never mind, lovely hands, aren't we?
04:47Absolutely.
04:48That would have been the answer.
04:49As far as passwords are concerned, what do you think is the current state of advice?
04:54I'm trying, everyone watching probably has passwords for anything from bank accounts to social media.
05:01What's the advice?
05:02The advice is that you should always have a different password for every single thing that you have.
05:08And they must always contain at least eight digits, some of which should be numbers, and some of which should
05:14be letters, and you mustn't write them down anywhere.
05:17Exactly.
05:18That's the point.
05:19That kind of advice is useless, because there really isn't a human being on the planet.
05:22Certainly one wouldn't want to meet who would be capable of holding all those in his head at the same
05:27time.
05:29And, actually, the current advice is don't bother about writing it down, because if you've written it down and you've
05:34got it in a drawer in your desk,
05:36you're more likely to have your password stolen online by malware than you are by a burglar getting into your
05:42house and seeing it's written down somewhere.
05:44If you need lots and lots of different ones for lots of different things, do what I do and have
05:49each of the seven dwarves.
05:51Oh, shit.
05:52Oh, you've given it a ring.
05:55I also think a burglar breaking into your house is usually a lot less interested in information theft than is
06:01in selling your television.
06:03That's exactly the point.
06:03I think it was oversold, this idea of writing it down being dangerous, because there is a complete mismatch between
06:08the kind of person who will get your password by using technology and the sort of person who breaks into
06:13your house to get your TV or whatever.
06:14You've really got to watch them smack-head geeks.
06:18They're the ones.
06:19They're the real ones.
06:21They have something like that with glasses on.
06:23It's a small car driver.
06:25Oh, yeah.
06:26Have you noticed, have you ever tried to wire up a Wi-Fi router?
06:29Oh, a minute.
06:30When you're on the phone to a man in India, and he says, go and read the numbers off the
06:33back of the Wi-Fi router.
06:35Why does it have a password on the back of the router?
06:38There's a default password that the routers have that you can change by going in using your web browser.
06:43You can go, you can access your...
06:45Hang on.
06:46Oh, why don't you just put it right there?
06:48Are you a head-desk of some description?
06:51I am a bloody head-desk.
06:52All my friends call me up with it.
06:54Just because I'm a boring nerd, but as it happens, but what you're saying is correct...
06:57Have you tried to turn it off?
07:02Or the one that said, take the card out and hit it with your teeth.
07:04Have you had that one?
07:05Hit it with your teeth?
07:06Yeah.
07:07What?
07:08Yeah.
07:09No, no, no.
07:10He spotted you.
07:11I've got a very good...
07:14Steve, it's showing up on you.
07:16Go on.
07:17That's it.
07:19That's it.
07:19There it is, Steve.
07:20Right.
07:21Now, you see it.
07:21No, come on.
07:23You know that petrol you love so much?
07:25Pull it on your head.
07:27No, no, no.
07:28Have a cigarette.
07:29Go on.
07:30The greatest danger when setting a password is thinking of a word that sounds cool at the time.
07:35Yeah.
07:36Because you go, ooh, super spy.
07:38That'll be a good one.
07:40And suddenly you're in a moment where you go, oh, I have a whole other identity.
07:43That'll be amazing.
07:43I'll be the Raven.
07:45Oh, the Raven will be a good thing to protect.
07:46And you'll forget your spy name the next time you go to check your Hotmail account.
07:50And you go, what?
07:50Was it the Hawk?
07:51No.
07:53No.
07:53No.
07:55Quick.
07:55I've never been able to read these incomprehensible bits of scribbly writing that you're supposed
07:59to reproduce to show that you are not a bot.
08:02Well, the Kachkas.
08:02It's not Kachkas, of course.
08:03Yes, that's right.
08:04The fair one is because apparently computers can't scan in and recognise a wavy three or can't
08:10tell a kitten from a rabbit, which is the weird thing because humans can naturally go,
08:14which of these are kittens?
08:16And you click, click, click, and then the rabbit.
08:17But the robots have yet to work this out.
08:19It's a web changer.
08:19Yeah.
08:21This is how we will win the war.
08:24What are these cute animals you like?
08:26I think you've got a problem if it says, come up with a password, and you're just holding
08:30up kittens.
08:31The computer's probably confusing.
08:33I'll rub them off the screen.
08:34Is that not what you're supposed to do?
08:36Find as many kittens as a computer asks for.
08:38Let's hit them as an offering.
08:40Yeah.
08:40Not just static electricity.
08:41Just leave them there.
08:42Put them up there.
08:44Do you know what?
08:45The static is only so strong, over time they will slowly begin to slide down.
08:49You know what?
08:50That's exactly why I do it.
08:51I have a kitten and a puppy, and then I sit there and I bet on which ones can get
08:55better.
08:56Yeah.
08:57That's why I don't have a computer.
08:59It's strange how the biometric systems that have been in movies for at least 30 years,
09:04you know, retinal scans, thumb prints and so on, aren't really used.
09:07I mean, there are a lot of laptops that do ask for a thumb, but they haven't really taken
09:11off, have they?
09:11No.
09:11Oh, I love the eye fingers at airports.
09:14Oh, you do use it?
09:15Oh, yes.
09:15Yes.
09:16And it's really good at getting very, very drunk on the plane, so your eyes are completely
09:20bloodshot.
09:21I'll never do it this time.
09:22I'm going to be locked in this box forever, and you know, he always knows it's me.
09:26But I think the best one to do at an airport, and it helps you've got hair like mine, is
09:29you know that when you go through the first security bit, and they take your photograph?
09:33What I do is I do a different hairstyle, and then change it for the next time.
09:39And who do you think that's inconveniencing more?
09:44The security person or you?
09:46Who's the one who's having things looked up their bottom?
09:48I'll tell you what.
09:49And missing their flight?
09:51Well, you know, there's only so much time eating and killing duty free, isn't
09:56Why not shove something unusual up there, you know?
09:59Go on, guess what that is?
10:00Guess what it is?
10:02I'm ready what you see.
10:04Went to, erm, to Gatwick.
10:05Went to Gatwick to go on a flight to Spain, and I go, and you know the way somebody behind
10:09you get stopped, and they go, you've got fluids or whatever, or they go, you can't do this,
10:13like whatever, and they said, and they all started laughing.
10:16And they said, I'm sorry sir, you can't bring this through, right?
10:20And they took it, and it was like one of those two litre bottles of, of soft drink filled
10:23with water, and a fish floating around.
10:29They wanted to take their fish off all of these.
10:31They brought their fish with them wherever they were going, right?
10:34And then you could see a man kind of going, the fish is grand.
10:37The fish is not the ground.
10:39But the fluid, I'm afraid, you can't bring the fluid down.
10:42Are you sure it wasn't just a Japanese couple and that was a packed lunch?
10:48You just have to drink a bit of the water.
10:50To prove that this is...
10:52Prove it's not a...
10:53Presumably fish is already proving that it's not a bomb.
10:57But you did it.
10:58Good thing.
10:59But evidently...
11:00You know what?
11:00Fish don't swim in nitroglycery.
11:02It's not a cutting-out weight.
11:04Being trained to swim in explosive fluid.
11:07That, that is exactly how I found out that I really like baby food.
11:12Yeah, that's because they make you eat it.
11:13Because they say, can you eat a bit of the baby food?
11:15And I went, yeah, all right.
11:16And I go, yeah.
11:17Oh, that's good, that.
11:18Oh, that is.
11:19We'll get some more for the child.
11:22Don't get the peanuts.
11:24Delicious.
11:25Stewed apple.
11:25Oh, yes.
11:26Lovely.
11:27Anyway, yes, the point is, there's more chance for someone tracking your computer than breaking
11:31into your house.
11:32And the latest thing is that you might be better off really choosing a complicated password and
11:37writing it down.
11:38What's the best way to ensure that you get the best person for any job within a hierarchy?
11:43Or indeed, if you like, the least bad person?
11:47I'm talking about a principle in the promotion of people within office hierarchies.
11:52Everyone gets promoted to one level above their degree of competence.
11:56Yes, that is exactly right.
11:58So you denote someone.
11:59Do you know what that's called?
12:00There's a name for that.
12:01The Peter principle?
12:01It's the Peter principle.
12:02The idea is if, say, you start in an office and you're very good at filing or whatever,
12:06they say, hey, we'll move him up to this or her up to this.
12:08They go up to that, she's trying to go to that.
12:09Move her up, move her up.
12:11As you're good at things, you will get promoted until you get to the thing you're not good
12:15at.
12:16And that's the sort of inherent flaw with a hierarchical system.
12:19So what would be the best way of electing MPs?
12:23Obviously, people have fiddled around with types of whether they're first past the post
12:27or AV or PR or single transferable vote.
12:30But there is a system which guarantees a certain number of things.
12:34It guarantees, for example, that powerful interest groups can have no influence whatsoever
12:38on the outcome.
12:39That's good.
12:40Unlike the current system where elections are won by people who are good at winning elections,
12:45it does not favor the charismatic, the rich, the well-educated or the well-connected.
12:50Votes cannot be bought.
12:51It's impossible in this system to be corrupt.
12:54It's called sortition.
12:57It's what the Greeks used.
12:58And it is, quite simply, lottery.
13:01It is the same way we choose a jury.
13:04You are told it is your duty for a certain number of years to be a politician.
13:08And you're paid for it.
13:10It's a brilliant idea.
13:11Yeah, it is a brilliant idea except for the fact that if it's a lottery,
13:14do you really want to find out who the MPs are going to be by Dale Winton pressing on?
13:19Did I really do this?
13:21It could be you.
13:22Love everybody!
13:23Obviously, maybe I shouldn't have used the word lottery,
13:26but by a random selection of a citizen, essentially,
13:28that it becomes part of a citizen's duty for some part in their life
13:32to be involved in the process of government.
13:34How many times could you put it off before they made you go?
13:37Well, it's an interesting point, isn't it?
13:38I mean, in Australia they make you vote, don't they?
13:40Yes.
13:40And jury service, I'm not sure.
13:43I've been let off jury service, as perhaps you would be.
13:46If you are a known face...
13:48Sadly, it doesn't wash any more.
13:49Doesn't it?
13:50No.
13:50Oh, I wrote a letter.
13:51I'd love the...
13:52I'm very sorry, but I don't want to have some...
13:54some blood-dripped murderer staring at me saying,
13:57I know you.
13:57I love that.
13:58The defendant comes out and sits down.
14:01Oh, shit, it's Clarkson.
14:04Oh, God, no.
14:09And there's six inches of sombrero going,
14:12I shall not get justice here.
14:16You don't have to believe that that is going to be the crime.
14:18What are the chances of an Italian and a German and a Mexican?
14:22You're clearly guilty because you drive a Prius.
14:28The system they should have is that you just open the doors of Parliament
14:31and everyone just, like, piles in,
14:33and anyone who gets a seat, you're allowed to stay,
14:35everyone else out.
14:36When the music stops.
14:38Exactly.
14:38You see that, yeah.
14:40Speaker of the House with a mouth organ.
14:42But sortition is a genuine system that was genuinely used
14:45by the world's first really great democracy, Greece,
14:48and it seemed to work very well.
14:50They believed that the idea of a professional politician
14:52with vested interests was inimical to the idea of democracy,
14:57rule of people, ordinary people.
14:59But it was open to everybody, was it?
15:01Because there are quite a few people I've just thought of
15:03I don't want doing it.
15:05Well, mostly the ones who want to do it, which are the ones we have.
15:08I'm just more intrigued by the fact of it being random ponters,
15:10but it being done like that Knowles house party thing
15:13where the television shows you.
15:16You know, when they flash it on,
15:17there'll be somebody sitting on a couch.
15:19And then they go,
15:20and the minutes of red education is
15:22Joe Smith and Cornwall!
15:24And they go,
15:24oh, shite.
15:27Er...
15:27No, no.
15:30But anyway, it's worth thinking about, isn't it?
15:31It is a fascinating idea that we would have a duty to be politicians.
15:34Stop us moaning quite so much.
15:36Why might it be a good idea to use your leisure time,
15:39smoking 30 cigarettes a day,
15:42drinking explosives and eating dried blood?
15:45Why would it be?
15:46Yes.
15:47How might that help one?
15:49And indeed, in a strange way,
15:51possibly even lengthen one's life.
15:53We're in the war here,
15:54and there were black ops on both sides,
15:57and while we were in Italy,
15:59the Italians, who weren't as witless as perhaps we like to think of them
16:03as being an enemy,
16:04they sent books of matches as gifts
16:07that would drop down on the Allied troops,
16:09and inside were little folded bits of paper.
16:10And the folded bits of paper said,
16:12look, there they were,
16:13look, um,
16:14this is how to pretend to be ill,
16:15very convincingly.
16:16You're going to lose the war.
16:17You're having a miserable time fighting us.
16:19It's ghastly.
16:20You're probably going to be killed.
16:21You've got a family back home.
16:23You've done your bit.
16:24Just pretend to be ill,
16:25and you'll get sent home.
16:27It's rather clever.
16:29Er...
16:29And it gives advice for psychological things as well.
16:32It says, act as if you hate to be ill.
16:34It's quite good psychology.
16:35Er...
16:35Stick to one set of symptoms,
16:37and don't tell the doctor too much.
16:39Basically, smoke as much as you can.
16:4120 to 30 cigarettes a day.
16:42If you normally smoke as much, double it.
16:45Erm...
16:45Erm...
16:46And otherwise, there are various other little tricks you can use.
16:48Why, why smoke?
16:49I mean, this is before people were going about lung cancer.
16:51I know, people did smoke a lot.
16:52It wasn't about lung cancer.
16:52It was about the fact that you made people breathless,
16:54and it could bring on conditions similar to cardiac arrhythmia,
16:56and so on.
16:57Okay.
16:57Isn't it easier to just shoot yourself in the foot?
16:59Well, the trouble is, that was such a known thing.
17:01A blighty one, it was called.
17:02I mean, anybody who was shot in the foot in the war,
17:05people went, hmm, I don't think so.
17:06Ear.
17:07Yeah, that's...
17:08Shoot yourself in the ear.
17:09There's a whole thing.
17:10It's a difficult one to get exactly right.
17:12Well...
17:14You've got to, like, end with a bullet in the ground.
17:17I think I could blow my own ear off.
17:19I don't know how to get...
17:21Paralyse your arm by bandaging a pebble on your funny bone.
17:25Hmm.
17:26And then there's a needless drawing of a bottom, figure one.
17:30There's no such thing as a needless drawing of a bottom.
17:34That's all I can say.
17:35I know that...
17:35I know that it isn't described...
17:36It doesn't feature in any of the...
17:38I thought, why is there a bottom?
17:39No.
17:40Not mentioned.
17:40No.
17:41It's just there to catch your eye.
17:44And advertisers do these things.
17:46A meaningless group.
17:47The British, of course, replied, in kind.
17:50Yeah.
17:50And what we tended to do was flood them with books that look like real German manuals,
17:54sporting books, all kinds of things, a Catholic prayer book.
17:57And sort of halfway through, suddenly, there would be this list of ways of how to pretend to be ill.
18:02And we really did use an enormous number of them.
18:04There was a man called Delmer who was in charge of it.
18:06Dennis Sefton Delmer.
18:07And he hoped to appeal to the sort of Germans' inner Schweinhund, as he called it.
18:11And there were manual, step-by-step instructions as to how to fake a wide range of diseases.
18:16And they sort of had a double effect once, because the Germans knew that they were there, obviously.
18:20And that meant they doubted a lot of people who were genuinely ill,
18:23and sent really ill people back to the front, where they could be, A, demoralized, and B, spread infection.
18:30And generally, it's just all part of the strange little things people do.
18:34But they also gave a good way to fake tuberculosis, and this is really fascinating.
18:37How would you fake tuberculosis?
18:39This is a time, of course, sadly, where the time again when tuberculosis is quite a big threat to the
18:43world population.
18:44Pretend to be a badger.
18:46Well, there is the issue of whether or not badgers do or don't.
18:50Yes, I can tell which side you're on in the great badger debate.
18:54But, aside from that, tuberculosis is...
18:57A glass, a powdered glass.
18:59Well, certainly you have to cough, cough blood is important.
19:03Yes.
19:03But the mucus you bring up is going to be analyzed by a doctor.
19:06This is only applies to men, and I think you'll see why in a little while.
19:10So, get a nice genuine cough by doing a lot of smoking.
19:13Tell the doctor you had flu some time ago, but the cough just hasn't gone away, and that there's blood
19:17in your mucus.
19:18You can add the blood to your mucus, obviously, just cut a finger and just add it to your mucus.
19:21You know, that's easy, because he'll want to analyze it.
19:24But what do you add to the mucus that would allow him to believe that you might have a tuberculosis
19:29bacterium inside?
19:31Well...
19:31Sperm.
19:32You're very close.
19:33Horribly close.
19:34I'm afraid it's a little worse, in fact.
19:36Dingleberries.
19:36What the gentleman must do is not wash downstairs for a while until cheese develops under the foreskin.
19:44And they take a little bit of this cheesy substance and add it to the mucus and the blood.
19:49And so when the doctor asks for the sputum, you give them that.
19:52And a lazy doctor, and a pretty averagely competent doctor, would be fooled by the similarity of whatever it is
19:59in smoke.
20:00Dude, just would rather not do the analysis.
20:02Yeah.
20:03He wouldn't know that it was...
20:04Is he not just going to send you to a psychiatric ward going, you're eating knob cheese?
20:08No.
20:09But the point is he doesn't know it.
20:11You're using your knob cheese because it looks like TB bacillus.
20:16You don't...
20:17That's the point.
20:18Yeah, but the thing is he's going to know.
20:19He's going to see the crackers falling out of your pocket.
20:22The what?
20:24Jacob's crackers.
20:25You can't just eat it.
20:29You can't.
20:31Other crackers are available.
20:34Get a hug.
20:35Mmm.
20:35The world combination I've ever been in, ever.
20:38Ladies and gentlemen, this may be a television first, but I just want you to remember we are talking about
20:44a piece of history.
20:44We're talking about how people try to malinger or pretend to be ill.
20:48Personal hygiene is very important.
20:50We're talking about personal hygiene.
20:51We're talking about a fact.
20:52Some people may giggle when the word smegma or cock cheese is used.
20:56I think that's their problem, not ours.
20:59So, since we've got nothing better to do, what about a board game?
21:03Why was Alfred's game so much more successful than Alfred's other game?
21:08And that is Alfred, who is...
21:10Scrabble?
21:10Well, yes.
21:12Scrabble is the answer.
21:13Alfred butts his name.
21:14And he sold out for bugger all.
21:16Well, it was an interesting story.
21:18He had the idea of the board and the 15 by 15 squares and the triple letter and double word
21:22and so on.
21:23And he made them himself.
21:24And in the early 50s, it was around in the shops of New York and it was a great success.
21:29It just so happened, the chap who ran Macy's, the famous department store, he played it one Christmas and he
21:34went nuts for it.
21:35Absolute nuts for it.
21:36And the following year, it sold 4 million.
21:38It was the fastest and biggest growing game in the history of that genre of games.
21:43It just completely went wild.
21:45And all he got, I say all, was about $1,600,000 butts, the inventor.
21:51But he never complained about it.
21:52He said, it's perfectly fine.
21:53It allowed me to have a wonderful life and he was proud of it.
21:55But he then produced another game, which he called Alfred's Other Game.
22:00And that, unfortunately, wasn't a hit, despite the lady in the black busty dress.
22:04The principle of the scoring is pretty obvious.
22:06He used the, you know, the frequency of letters in English.
22:09The highest possible score you could have from one word has been worked out.
22:14I wonder if you know what that word might be.
22:15It seems unlikely.
22:16Well, it depends if you're editing it.
22:17The highest I ever got was underpass on two triple word scores.
22:20That's very good.
22:21I did bazique once and got sort of 200.
22:23Yes, you would.
22:24No, that was very lucky.
22:25Well, you would do underpass, though, wouldn't you?
22:28Underpass is good.
22:29They're all three words.
22:30You've got to use all seven because you get the plus 50.
22:32Yes, you've got to get the 50.
22:33But the most irritating thing about playing Scrabble with people is when they use words that aren't in common usage,
22:38that are in...
22:39They just, back in the early of this year, they announced that G double R L is now a word.
22:44But it isn't.
22:44No, it isn't.
22:45And I basically have my house rule, which is you can't use a word you don't know the meaning of.
22:51I just don't think it's fair.
22:52No, no, no.
22:52I'll go into some words.
22:53Some people just learn lists of words.
22:55The gay.
22:56Why do it?
22:57Why put in a word that you just...
22:58Do you let people have the list of two-letter words on the show?
23:00No.
23:01No.
23:02It's a classic case in point.
23:03I know it means love, but I never use the word Joe.
23:06No.
23:07In conversation, therefore you can't have it.
23:09Or people who spell axe in the American way.
23:11Without the E.
23:12It's just no.
23:13Do you know the most commonly played word in Scrabble?
23:15Penis.
23:16No.
23:17It is in my house.
23:19It's rather funny.
23:21Gay.
23:22No, no, no.
23:23Not gay.
23:23It's a good word.
23:24It's a fine word.
23:25Even more seven points.
23:27QI.
23:28Thank you very much.
23:30Qi is the most commonly played word in Scrabble.
23:32Really?
23:32Because it's a Q that doesn't need a U, and you can just put it next to an I, and
23:36if it's
23:36on a triple letter you immediately score well.
23:38Yes, but it's not.
23:38It's the Chinese for the life force, as you know.
23:40Well, if you could possibly play the word, and obviously it would involve intersecting
23:44with many other words, because it's longer than seven letters.
23:47If you could get oxyphenylbutazone, there is a technical potential score of 1,178.
23:55Just for playing that.
23:55And I bet you've done it.
23:57I've never played, no.
23:58Is this called my bluff?
24:01I'll just find out, right, I'm dyslexic.
24:04I've never played Scrabble.
24:05To me, playing Scrabble is essentially like decorating a bathroom.
24:08I've never played Scrabble.
24:11Finished!
24:13There are games of Scrabble that involve words like bazique, and there are games of Scrabble
24:16that involve words like tits.
24:18No, I don't know.
24:19And they're at least shattering themselves as you look back at the Scrabble board and
24:21go, God, we really aren't this sophisticated people, we thought we were.
24:25The highest recorded single word is 392 for caziques, played by Dr Karl.
24:30That actually would get you 400, I reckon.
24:32That's obviously counting only one of the zeds.
24:34Well, obviously, yes.
24:35That's pretty good.
24:36But have you got it on two trouble words?
24:37Yes, that would be the key, isn't it?
24:39It would be fantastic.
24:40All right, well, we're going to move on to something where spelling isn't quite so important.
24:43Is it Boggle next?
24:44I like that, too.
24:45No, this is Monopoly.
24:46Strategically speaking, which are the properties that are best to buy straight away, if you can?
24:51Are they the ones that, if somebody's in jail, people constantly end up stacking a game?
24:55That's the point.
24:55If you get a six or an eight, which are the most likely throws you'll get from a double
24:58dice game, you're going to land on one of those as you move out of jail.
25:01Which is rather appropriate, because Vine Street, Marlborough Street and Bow Street
25:04are all streets which have in common...
25:07Courts.
25:08They used to have, yes, magistrates courts in them.
25:10I think they're all, actually, now in disuse, but...
25:12And why is there a dog?
25:14Well, that's, you know, a hat.
25:16Which one would you choose?
25:17You'd choose the car, I suppose.
25:18Well, choose the car or the ship?
25:19Why would you choose...
25:20Why, who said I was?
25:21Why the dog?
25:22You'd take a dog and walk around London.
25:25Yeah, but I got a second.
25:25You'd go for the dog over the iron.
25:29Give it a choice, you go, right, dog over the iron.
25:32In most scenarios, dog is a better option.
25:35True.
25:35Great hound racing.
25:37Pumph!
25:37They're off.
25:38Oh, the iron's lost again.
25:40Oh, shit.
25:41Yeah, quick, quick, the criminal's getting away.
25:43Release the iron.
25:45Ewww...
25:45Darling, I'm going to get to that formal occasion in the next while.
25:48What?
25:51Do we know how they arrived at the idea of an eye on the dog shit?
25:55Apparently one of the theories is that these are all things that were on his wife's charm bracelet
26:00His wife had a charm bracelet the inventor of the game. I'll share a ship on our control
26:13Of our married life go walk the dog
26:19My next question on idleness is what did the doormouse do on his gap year?
26:25There's a doormouse aren't they charming. I suppose this being QI you know the probably the most obvious thing about
26:31a doormouse is
26:33They sleep in teapots. Well, there is
26:36According to Lewis Carroll they sleep in teapots. They're very quiet. They're not mice
26:41Obviously
26:42And they don't have doors are they?
26:43Nor are they doors. They're neither doors nor mice
26:46It's possible that the dorm is the key is the dormancy of them. They spend so much of their time
26:52asleep
26:53They're the only animal that will hibernate for 18 months sometimes
26:57No, look at him asleep there
26:59He's dead
27:00He's dead
27:02He is being killed
27:04That creature has been killed by those falling nuts next to him
27:09Oh
27:10Tried to feed to a bump
27:11You got TB from a badger
27:14They live a surprisingly long life for small animals
27:16Well if they sleep for 18 months
27:1718 months
27:18What they do is they see how the harvest is going to be on the beech trees
27:22But from very early in the season is they think they're not going to be many nuts this year
27:26They just go well I'll sleep till the next fruiting season and see if that's a better one and they
27:30eat as much as they possibly can
27:31They put on huge amounts of body fat and they can sleep for that length of time it's quite astonishing
27:35A strange animal thing I have our house you can see the river in the bottom of the garden
27:39And we were showing this to some people who brought their kids for like a barbecue and the squirrel came
27:45down off one of the trees and scampered out to the edge of the water
27:49This is the Thames now and then started swimming in the water towards Farshot
27:54And you could see the ripper where he was going the tail went wet
27:57It just disappeared
27:59And we're all going oh my god this is fantastic
28:01Look at the squirrel swim
28:03And then all the parents go Jesus I hope he can't swim all the way
28:07Because otherwise we are encouraging our children to look at a squirrel drown
28:13Someone go out, get out there just in case he doesn't make it
28:16I'll go and then the squirrels think Jesus they're coming from me
28:20But tell me it did make it
28:22Disappeared from view but then emerged at the point where parents go oh god we have to explain death
28:27To these children from this thing
28:29Emerges out of the water
28:31Shakes himself off
28:33Tail
28:33Thump
28:34Runs into the trees on the other side
28:36Exactly
28:37He's still in the tent
28:38He's still in the tent
28:39He's still in the tent
28:40He's still in the tent
28:41Very happy
28:42And raised 400 quid for sport relief
28:47Very good
28:48You have to watch the last item on every local news coverage
28:51Because two minutes later he was on water skis
28:57Now could you demonstrate the best way to sit the dolls you have been given
29:03Which you should find somewhere in a chair
29:05We're really after what's best for the back
29:08So you've got a chair and you've got a bendy
29:10To say that his politics are terrifying
29:14These don't pull the strings
29:15These are stigs that you can buy in shops
29:17And he pulls the string and Clarkson speaks
29:20I can't think of anything that would give nightmares to children
29:24You're the best one in the world, you're not Woody from Toy Story
29:27But what we're after
29:29Is what you think
29:30What you seriously think
29:32Is possibly the healthiest way
29:34To sit at a chair in an office
29:36Well I can reveal this is how the Stig actually sits at a chair
29:40Yeah
29:42So you've all gone for very unusual postures
29:45Yes, I love those
29:46I can't believe this
29:48The head just came off mine
29:49And he revealed himself to be Action Man
29:52I knew it
29:53Well you're all doing very interesting shapes
29:55There you go
29:56Yeah
29:57That's good for his back, is it?
29:59Oddly enough
30:01Clarkson wins on that
30:02Well it's not difficult
30:04Well obviously yeah
30:05But you actually win because you're right
30:06Not just because you're least wrong
30:09The idea was that sitting up straight
30:11Was supposed to be good for your posture
30:12And good for your back
30:12It's actually quite a steep backward
30:16Under 30 odd degrees
30:17Is much better for you
30:18There are the ways not to sit
30:20That's the way to sit
30:21It's a bit unfortunate
30:22You don't slip off your chair
30:23It looks lazy
30:24So bosses never like seeing people do it
30:26But you can say it said on QI
30:28So must be true
30:29Or you can point to the research that has been done
30:32I don't know if this is possible
30:34You know how if you use a chair
30:35Like a lion team I use as a chair
30:37Would that repel a cat?
30:40That's how you start I guess
30:41You start with one of those on a cat
30:43And then you build up through the feline species
30:45Really?
30:46Really?
30:47In working with a lion you start with a smaller chair?
30:49No with a cat
30:50You start with a cat and a small chair
30:51I would say starting with a lion but with a really huge chair
30:54No you start with a small cat and a small chair
30:57I see what you're doing
30:58Uh oh
30:58You stick to show me where the nasty man touched you Alan
31:05No
31:05No
31:06No
31:08Put them all right now children
31:11Thank you
31:12This must have been
31:14Yes
31:15Go on
31:15You know I've got bloody Jim Henson next to me
31:17Yeah
31:19Oh look look actually look
31:21What we can do is we can have our very own mock execution
31:41Just because he revealed his identity in a book you've got to fry him
31:45It seems unfair
31:47Moving on moving on if you can put away your toys now please
31:50Thank you
31:52Let's have an ingenious interview now
31:54I want you all to make a homopolar motor
31:56You should have a bowl with these
31:59This was first done in 1820 by one of the great scientists of the world
32:03And it's actually rather amazing
32:05You've got the wood screw
32:07You've got a magnet
32:07You've got a piece of wire
32:09And you've got a battery obviously
32:10What was it a homophobic motor didn't you say
32:12No
32:13Homopolar
32:14Homopolar
32:15Homopolar
32:15It means you get rather depressed in your game
32:17No sir what do you have to do
32:22What's the tape behind
32:23The tape
32:24The tape
32:25Behind
32:27Take the screw
32:30In your
32:32Your touch
32:33Right hand
32:35What
32:36What's he doing now
32:41Has that just stuck to the
32:42What's he done
32:43Oh I see that
32:44Oh
32:45Oh
32:46Oh
32:46Okay
32:47Holy moly
32:48If this works
32:50The extraordinary thing is how fast it goes round
32:52Jesus
32:52It spins round so fast
32:54Oh yeah
32:54Yeah
32:55Yeah
32:55Yeah
32:57It's still going
32:58It's still going
32:59I'm not even connected
33:01Why doesn't mine work
33:03How is that working
33:04Look at that
33:04What happens if I was to use the power from the buzzer
33:08And just
33:10It's still going without the wire being involved
33:16It's still going without the wire being involved
33:17It's going down
33:18It's going down
33:18It's going down
33:19It can't
33:19You know
33:19You don't need the wire
33:22It's still a circuit
33:23Your finger might be confusing the circuit
33:26I've got sparks
33:27I've got sparks
33:28I've got sparks
33:29It dropped it down there
33:30Oh dear
33:31Perhaps you can be kind
33:32Thank you
33:33There you are
33:33Michael Faraday demonstrated it all that time ago
33:36In 1820
33:37So strong
33:38And the ingenious thing about it is
33:39As you see that the speed at which it goes round
33:41There's almost no friction
33:42It goes round about 10,000 RPM
33:44Er
33:45Alright now
33:46Into the ice cold shower of general ignorance
33:49We plunge ourselves
33:50So
33:51Put your fingers on your buzzers if you could
33:53And if they're still working Ross
33:54We live in a spiral galaxy don't we?
33:57Yes thank you
33:58Fine
33:58We live in a spiral galaxy called the Milky Way
34:01How many arms does that spiral have?
34:04Yes
34:05Two
34:06No
34:07Nobody knows
34:08Yes you're right
34:09We don't know
34:10Very good
34:16And the reason we don't know
34:18Is because
34:19Is because we're inside it
34:20We could possibly know
34:21Yeah because we're right inside it
34:22We can see distant galaxies and count their arms
34:24But our own
34:25When you're inside
34:26You can't tell
34:27So it's as simple as that
34:28There you go
34:29Now
34:29Can you be bothered to tell me
34:31What make and model of car this is?
34:38Oh it's a three-wheeler
34:39What are they called?
34:40You drove one and hilariously
34:41What is it?
34:42Yeah
34:44It's not
34:45Is it a Robin Reliance?
34:47No
34:47A Robin Reliance
34:48It's a Robin
34:49I'm just really mean of it
34:51Because I knew someone was going to do that
34:52Because everyone calls it a Robin Reliant
34:54It's not a Robin Reliant
34:55It's a Robin Reliant
34:56It's a Robin Reliant
34:56That is the Regal Supervan
34:58Yes
34:58The actual Robin was a different model
35:00But for some reason that's the one that's stuck in everyone's head
35:02Right
35:02And there's the one that gets in the way of Mr. Bean in his Mini as well
35:05People think that's a Robin Reliant
35:07But in fact they are these Regal Supervans
35:10I believe you have driven a Reliant Robin
35:13Would you like to remind yourself of that experience?
35:16Yes, this was setting off in it
35:17Sheffield
35:18It was Sheffield
35:19It was in Sheffield
35:20And he got to the very first corner
35:23And then
35:24That was a fast one
35:25And then it rolled over again
35:27And then
35:28It rolled over all day
35:30It rolled over again
35:31And then it rolled in the river
35:32So
35:33No
35:33Apparently letters came to your office
35:36Weren't saying
35:37That if Mr. So-called Jeremy Clarkson
35:41On so-called
35:42So-called gear
35:44Yes
35:44Knew how to drive the Robin
35:47Yeah
35:47He would know that you cannot drive it at speed
35:50Yes
35:51As if you were all incredibly disappointed by that
35:53Yes
35:53Oh, no
35:55Oh, no
35:56It's rolled over again
35:57Unless you're able to drive more carefully
35:58It's a completely boring road test
36:01So I believe you then challenged the Stig to drive it on the track
36:03He rolled it over
36:04On the first corner
36:04It's unbelievably comfortable to roll over it
36:07You'd be very surprised as it flops over
36:10I don't know why
36:11It's the shape of the front things
36:12And it's just
36:12Oh, that's nice
36:13Because you know
36:14It's quite annoying to be sitting bolt upright
36:16And everybody looks a bit idiotic when they're driving
36:18Everybody does
36:19You actually look at people in a car
36:21And so to just think
36:22I'm a bit weary
36:22And they're just
36:23Oh
36:25Have a lie down
36:26I always flipped a Land Rover
36:27I had a Land Rover
36:28So the thing went over
36:29Bang
36:30I went onto its roof
36:31Onto its side
36:32I was like
36:32My wife's lip gloss hit me in the face
36:35And then the sat-nav that was on the dashboard
36:38Just came crashing down
36:40And I was lying there
36:40The dust was all over the place like that
36:42And the sat-nav went
36:43Off-root
36:45Recalculate
36:47It's possible
36:48It's possible
36:48It's different
36:49Yeah
36:49It was a marvelous
36:50I've just remembered
36:51When we did the roll in the Reliant Robin over
36:53Needless to say
36:55Health and safety got involved
36:56And they made us take every single thing
36:58Out of the car
36:59Including my cigarettes and cigarette lighter
37:02Lest these
37:03Catapult themselves around and smack me in the eye
37:06So every single thing had to be taken out
37:07And then they put in this sort of
37:10Those window breaking hammers
37:12With a very sharp point
37:12Very substantial piece of steel
37:14A window punch
37:15And they put that in the center console
37:18And the abiding memory I had was
37:19The thing was
37:20This spike
37:23The safety equipment
37:25Bloody nearly took my head off
37:27Well that's unhealth and lack of safety gone mad
37:32I'm thinking training as either a doctor
37:34Or a vet
37:35Obviously
37:36I want the
37:38Oh good god
37:39I want the shortest possible course
37:41Which should I choose
37:42Which is the quickest one to become
37:44I'll do it
37:45Okay ready
37:46Yeah
37:46Doctors
37:48There you go
37:50People have it in their heads
37:52That for some reason it takes longer to qualify
37:54As a vet than as a doctor
37:55In fact it doesn't
37:56By about two years it doesn't
37:57A veterinary degree takes five or six years
37:59Depending on the course
38:00But to become British GP
38:02You must train for a minimum of nine years
38:03There's five years you may get the word doctor
38:06But at least
38:07And then twelve years if you're going to be a hospital consultant
38:09How long was it for vets?
38:11Vets was
38:12Well depends on the course
38:13But five or six years
38:15Okay
38:15Yeah
38:15And then they have the highest suicide rate
38:17Do they not of any job?
38:19Because the only people who want to be vets
38:20Are people who love animals then
38:22Yes
38:22And most of the time you're
38:23They just what you do is
38:25I love animals
38:26I so want to be a vet when I grow up
38:27And you study for six years
38:29And then all you do is drive around the countryside killing animals
38:32It does not well
38:34It does not well
38:34It does not well
38:36It does not well
38:37It does not well
38:37It does not well
38:38My horse
38:38It's been in the family
38:39It can
38:41Eventually it's going to get to you
38:43Eventually it's going to get fed up with
38:56You're lining them with three in a row to see how many you can do with the one
38:59I mean I'm sometimes terrified when the vet comes to shoot the donkeys or horses
39:04Donkeys or a horse
39:05Donkeys or a horse
39:05You decide
39:08When you did that sound effect there
39:10You've
39:11That's the end of EastEnders
39:13You said it better now
39:15In my head
39:16Every time I watch EastEnders
39:17And they just go
39:18Horses are dying
39:19It should have been the reason
39:20You're going to leave me now
39:20And you just hear
39:22I'm just going to imagine
39:23Bleeding donkeys falling
39:24Should have been the reason for the great terriers
39:27That's what it should have been
39:29Oh
39:30And now
39:31All creatures great and small
39:35That's all it's done
39:36Well the fact is
39:37It will take you at least nine years to train as a GP
39:40Whereas vets can do it in five
39:42Now which gets more from charity in the UK
39:45Animals
39:45Or humans
39:46Oh it's
39:48It's donkey sanctuaries
39:49Like it's animals
39:50Animals
39:50Oh no
39:53We like to think of ourselves as an animal loving thing
39:55And we like to tell stories of how mad people have given huge sums to donkey sanctuaries
40:00Or whatever
40:00But in fact it always has been the case
40:02That far and away the most money we give is to human charities
40:04And in particular one kind
40:06If you can
40:07Well actually children's charity
40:08No not children's charity
40:09That isn't the one
40:09Is it cancer?
40:10Oh
40:10I was going to say old children riding on the backs of sick donkeys
40:13Yeah
40:13You give a lot more to animals than you do to the old
40:17That may be true
40:18Yes
40:18They've just amalgamated the two major old people's charities haven't in the time
40:22And I don't have their figures on the side
40:23Sorry I thought you
40:24I thought you
40:24They're amalgamated animals and old people
40:27Which would be
40:28That
40:28What you've created there
40:30Is
40:30Do
40:30Do
40:31Do
40:31Do
40:31Do
40:33Do
40:33Do
40:33Do
40:34Do
40:34Do
40:34Do
40:34Do
40:34Do
40:34Do
40:34Do
40:35Do
40:42Do
40:43Do
40:43Do
40:43Do
40:45Well
40:45Do
40:46Some of those are also kinds of related, but not as well as the National Trust.
40:49The National Trust gets more money than children's charities do.
40:52The RSPCA is Britain's favourite animal charity,
40:55but even that has never been in the top ten of British giving.
40:58Which brings us, ambling idly towards the scores and what reading they make,
41:04in last place, with an impressive minus 15, Dara O'Brien.
41:10APPLAUSE
41:13And, um, lounging lazily behind him on plus one, Jeremy Clarkson.
41:22APPLAUSE
41:26Just a little bit of a head there, though, on plus four, it's Ross Noble.
41:32APPLAUSE
41:36And in an episode which is all about independence,
41:38who would ever have thought that the day would come
41:41when I'd say that our runaway winner with plus 12 is Alan Davies.
41:47APPLAUSE
41:55Well, that's all from this indolent edition of QI,
41:58so it's goodnight from Dara, Jeremy, Ross, Alan and me.
42:01And if it's any consolation to our losers,
42:02I'll leave them with these wise words from James Thurber.
42:05It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
42:08Goodnight, Jeremy.
42:09LAUGHTER
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