- 16 hours ago
Tv, Red Dwarf I -Series 1-E5
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TVTranscript
00:28This is a production of the U.S. Department of State
01:30We've been in university now for three million years, and there are many things we've discovered.
01:33The highest form of life in the universe is man, and the lowest is a man who works for the
01:37post office.
01:48Oh, Jim, weren't you the one who said we have to seize our moments because they may never come again?
01:54Don't you see, you crazy fool? This is our moment, right here and now. Let's seize it together.
02:01Darling, I'm dying.
02:05I know, Carol. Dr. Graham told me everything.
02:12Is he all you, Dave?
02:14Oh, I'm watching the film.
02:16I'm just wondering if you're a bit bored.
02:17No, no, I'm watching the film.
02:19You're not bored, then?
02:20No, go away.
02:22My darling. I'm dying.
02:25I know, Carol. Dr. Graham told me everything.
02:34Just finished reading everything.
02:36I've now read everything that's ever been written anywhere by anyone ever.
02:39Will you go away?
02:41You know what the worst book ever written ever was?
02:43I don't care.
02:44Football. It's a funny old game by Kevin Keegan.
02:47Holly, will you let me watch the film?
02:54I'm at a loose end now.
02:56Don't know what to do with myself.
02:58Holly, why don't you just read everything all over again?
03:00I was thinking it might help pass the time if I created a perfectly functioning replica of a woman,
03:05capable of independent decision-making and abstract thought,
03:09and absolutely undetectable from the real thing.
03:11Why don't you?
03:13I don't know how.
03:16I wouldn't even know how to make the nose.
03:19Holly, is there something that you want?
03:21Well, only if you're not busy.
03:23Would you mind erasing some of my memory bank?
03:25What for?
03:26Well, if you erase all the Agatha Christie novels from my memory bank,
03:29I can read them again tonight.
03:31How do I do it?
03:32Just type in whole mem, password override,
03:37the novels, Christie, Agatha, then press erase.
03:43I've done it.
03:44Done what?
03:47Erased Agatha Christie.
03:49Who's she, then?
03:51Holly, you've just asked me to erase all Agatha Christie novels from your memory.
03:55Why should I do that? I've never heard of her.
03:58You've never heard of her, because I've just erased her from your smegging memory.
04:02What'd you do that for?
04:03You asked me to.
04:05When?
04:05Just now.
04:06I don't remember this.
04:08Oh, I'm going to bed.
04:09This is going to go on all night.
04:11Johnny!
04:12I know, Carol.
04:14Dr Graham, owe me everything.
04:21Off!
04:23Had a good day, Lister?
04:25Scrummed enough chockies?
04:27Watched enough drivel, have you?
04:29Look at you.
04:30You're turning into a sad, middle-aged woman.
04:33Next thing you know, you'll be varnishing your nails and buying girdles.
04:37Oh, yeah, and what have you done that's so great?
04:39I've achieved 17 things today off my daily goal list,
04:42whereas you've never achieved anything ever in your entire life.
04:45Don't know, you know, went on to the officer's block.
04:48When?
04:49This morning.
04:50But it hasn't been decontaminated.
04:52You said it had last week?
04:54No, I said it was on last Thursday's daily goal list.
04:57And you haven't done it yet?
04:59Tomorrow.
04:59It's on tomorrow's daily goal list.
05:01Item 34, right after learn Portuguese.
05:05Thanks a lot, don't tell me.
05:07Why were you mooching around up there anyway?
05:10I was looking through Kajansky's dream recorder.
05:13She dreamt about me three times, you know.
05:15It was in the log.
05:16So?
05:17Clean my teeth, please, Holly.
05:19I mean, it must mean something.
05:20You don't dream about someone that you don't feel something for.
05:24Lister, I once had a dream about a baboon.
05:26It doesn't mean I want to go to bed with it.
05:28It's been something.
05:29Shave, please, Holly.
05:31Lister, you ought to take a good, long look at yourself.
05:35And then you'd see just how ridiculous you appear to other people.
05:40You could get a good chance of his personality for, like, one second.
05:43Maybe I could find out.
05:45Lister, if you were a love celibate like me, you wouldn't have these problems.
05:48Oh, come on, River.
05:49The only reason you knocked around with those prats from the love celibacy society is you could never get a
05:54date.
05:56No, it wasn't.
05:57I happen to agree with their philosophy that love is a sickness that holds back your career and makes you
06:02want to spend all your money.
06:04And you could never get a date because you let your mum buy all your casual clothes.
06:08There was nothing wrong with my casual clothes.
06:10Oh, come on, River.
06:11Your trousers were so short when you crossed your legs you could see your knees.
06:16What about Yvonne Magruder?
06:18That was a date.
06:19She'd been hit on the head by a winch.
06:21She had concussion.
06:23That's got nothing to do with it.
06:24She was crazy about me.
06:25Oh, yeah.
06:26She kept calling you Norman.
06:28She still went to bed with me.
06:29Yeah, because she had wonky vision and she thought you were somebody else.
06:32It serves her right for being concussed, doesn't it?
06:35Remember.
06:36You don't know what love is.
06:38Oh, yes, I do, Lister.
06:40Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.
06:45Lights.
06:46Oh, yes.
06:48Remain.
06:49Love is...
06:51Love is what makes us different from animals.
06:53No, Lister.
06:54What makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.
07:14Lights.
07:17Remain, are you awake?
07:19Remain, are you awake?
07:20What?
07:21Yes, Mum.
07:22I'm just packing my satchel.
07:28Where am I?
07:29What time is it?
07:30I don't feel very well.
07:32Half past three.
07:33I feel really ill.
07:35Well, you are really ill.
07:37No, I mean...
07:38really ill.
07:40I'll go down to the medical unit.
07:43I don't feel very well.
07:48Lights.
07:49Ah, Miss Magruder, where were we?
08:01I feel really hot.
08:07And this is mine, that's mine.
08:10All this is mine.
08:11I'm claiming all this as mine.
08:16Except for that bit.
08:17I don't want that bit.
08:19But all the rest of this is mine.
08:23Hey, this has been a good day.
08:25I've eaten five times.
08:27I've slept six times.
08:28And I've made a lot of things mine.
08:30Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can have sex with something.
08:33Ow!
08:35Yeah!
08:37S-E-X, I really want it.
08:39Ow!
08:40S-E-X, I'm gonna get it.
08:42Yeah!
08:43S-E-X, I think I found it.
08:45Ow!
08:47Oh, it's you!
08:50Hey, monkey, you're sick.
08:52Sick, helpless, and unconscious.
08:54If you were my friend, I'd steal your shoes.
08:58Time for a snack.
09:00This way.
09:01Ow!
09:04Emergency.
09:05There's an emergency going on.
09:07It's still going on.
09:10And it's still an emergency.
09:13Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry to White Corridor 159?
09:16This is an emergency announcement.
09:19Food!
09:21Today's speciality is chicken marengo.
09:25I'm gonna eat you little chicky.
09:28I'm gonna eat you little chicky.
09:30I'm gonna eat you little chicky.
09:34Ah-ah, too slow, chicken marengo.
09:36Too slow for this cat.
09:40Hey, this chicken's faster than I thought.
09:46Quick, Lister's fainted.
09:48He needs help.
09:48Quick.
09:54Didn't you hear me?
09:55Didn't anyone hear me?
09:56Lister's in trouble.
09:57The monkey, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, has fainted.
09:59I cannot pick him up.
10:01Quick, come now.
10:07Is there something wrong with you?
10:09Lister's collapsed.
10:10Yeah?
10:11What do you mean, yeah?
10:12He needs help.
10:12And?
10:13And if you don't help him, he might die.
10:15Oh, no, that's too bad.
10:17I really liked him, too.
10:19So, come and help him.
10:21What, and interrupt my lunch?
10:22What is more important, the man's life or your smegging lunch?
10:25That doesn't even deserve an answer.
10:30Right, okay.
10:31Fine.
10:32You come with me.
10:32You get a stretcher.
10:39Down.
10:40Down.
10:40Stop.
10:41Remember, let the medicom take me temperature.
10:43Lister, they've got to learn.
10:46Down.
10:47Down.
10:48Down.
10:48Slowly.
10:49Aha.
10:49Now, very, very, very slowly forward.
10:53I'm late.
10:55Lister, they've got to learn.
10:57I've just nearly lost an eye.
10:59How about an anal reading?
11:00I'm all right, but you're fine now.
11:03Well, you're not fine.
11:04And it's your own smegging fault for going up to the officer's deck before it was decontaminated.
11:09I just wanted to have a look around.
11:10You just wanted to go into Kachansky's quarters and wallow in self-pity.
11:14And look what it's got you.
11:15I'm all right.
11:16I've got a touch of pneumonia, that's all.
11:17It's not pneumonia.
11:19Three million years ago it was pneumonia, but since then it's bred and mutated.
11:23Now I don't know what it is.
11:24Why didn't I ask her out?
11:25What's the way she could have said?
11:27She could have said,
11:27No, you're a filthy, stinking, loathsome, disgusting object.
11:30I wouldn't be seen dead within a plague pit.
11:33She said, yes, stranger things have happened.
11:36Only two spring to mind, Lister.
11:38The spontaneous combustion of the mayor of Warsaw in 1546.
11:41Now that incident in 12th century Burgundy when it rained herring.
11:47What does this theory mean, Shen used to have?
11:49It's like everyone's got two people inside you.
11:51You've got your confidence and your paranoia.
11:53And your confidence is the guy who says,
11:55Hey, you're great, you're dead, sexy, everybody loves you.
11:58And your paranoia says you're stupid, you're useless, you're ugly and everybody hates you.
12:02That's odd, Lister.
12:03According to this reading, you're clinically dead.
12:06And what had that done was,
12:07me confidence would just about persuade me to ask Kachansky out.
12:11And as I was walking up to her,
12:12he'd go on a business trip to Hawaii or something.
12:15And I'd be left with me paranoia saying,
12:17You must be joking.
12:18She's going to laugh in our face.
12:19You know, sometimes, Lister,
12:20you can be quite perceptive and thought-provoking.
12:23And other times, like this,
12:25you can rant and drivel on like a complete loony.
12:28Just take me to me bed.
12:30All right, Lister.
12:32Okay, you know how it works.
12:33Now release the mechanism very, very, very gently.
12:40Possibly a gnat's more gently than that.
12:44Get an umbrella, get an umbrella.
12:49Get an umbrella, get an umbrella.
12:52Get an umbrella.
12:58Get an umbrella.
13:05Necrobics.
13:06Hologrammatic exercises for the dead.
13:08Train it.
13:09Train it.
13:10Get an umbrella.
13:14Train it.
13:16Train it.
13:17Get an umbrella.
13:25Get an umbrella.
13:26Get an umbrella.
13:27Get an umbrella.
13:29Get an umbrella.
13:31Get an umbrella.
13:45Get an umbrella.
13:46Oli, what's going on?
13:47What?
13:48What's happening?
13:49Er, Hercule Poirot's just stepped off the steaming train.
13:53And if you want my opinion, I think they all did it.
13:56Why did we have to have you as the ship's computer?
13:59We'd be better off in a bucket full of sheepslot running things.
14:02If you've got a complaint, just come straight out with it.
14:05Don't hide behind innuendo and hyperbole.
14:07Why is it raining fish in our sleeping quarters?
14:10I'd be lying if I said I knew.
14:12The only comparable incident on record is in 12th century Burgundy when it rained herring.
14:23It really is going to be one of those days.
14:41Hey, you're awake.
14:43Yeah, I just woke up.
14:44Hey, I brought you some presents.
14:45Oh, thanks. You shouldn't have bothered.
14:47I'm that kind of guy.
14:49Hey, let's see what we've got in the magic bag here.
14:53I got you some grapes.
14:56And I got you the orange.
15:00Oh, thanks a lot. You feel better already.
15:02Hey, well, all this enormous generosity has made me tired.
15:07I'm going to bed.
15:11Ah, yes. Indeedy.
15:15You're awake?
15:15Yeah, but I'll be asleep in a minute.
15:18How do you feel?
15:19Fine. Just don't ask me any more questions. I'm trying to sleep.
15:21Shut up, you stupid moggy, and out of that bed.
15:25Well, if you're going to speak to me like that, I'm going to take my presents back.
15:30How do you feel?
15:31Hurt.
15:34I feel great.
15:35Listen, Lister.
15:36You had a fever, okay?
15:38Yeah.
15:38And you started to hallucinate, all right?
15:41Yeah.
15:42Only your hallucinations were solid.
15:45What do you mean, solid?
15:47I mean, they were real, alive, solid.
15:49Solid?
15:50Solid.
15:50What do you mean, they were solid?
15:53Okay, I'll put it another way.
15:54You had hallucinations, all right?
15:57Yeah.
15:57And they were solid.
16:00I told you it wasn't ordinary pneumonia.
16:03I told you it was mutated.
16:05I knew something like this would happen.
16:06Okay, what did I hallucinate?
16:08Well, first of all, it was fish rain.
16:11Fish rain?
16:12Yeah, I dreamt that.
16:14Well, it actually happened.
16:15Was all the fish?
16:16Somebody ate them.
16:19Then, the mayor of Warsaw spontaneously combusted.
16:24And then you hallucinated two men in the drive room.
16:28What two men?
16:29Apparently, one of them's your confidence,
16:31and the other's your paranoia.
16:39You see what I mean, Lister?
16:41Hey, it's the king!
16:45Mr. Beautiful!
16:46Oh, hey, you, what does the H stand for?
16:48Horace?
16:49Jam for the king, Horace.
16:50And breakfast.
16:51Mr. Wonderful wishes to die.
16:54Have you lost weight?
16:54You're looking great.
16:55Is she totally perfect or what?
16:57You're my confidence.
16:58I just love that accent.
17:00It makes me go all dwebbly.
17:02I don't understand it.
17:02You look like the manager of the London Jets,
17:04but you sound like Bing Box
17:05to the American quiz show host.
17:07I'm all the things you associate with confidence, King.
17:11You're my paranoia.
17:13Isn't that a urine stain on the front of your trousers?
17:15What?
17:16No, it isn't Mr. T.
17:18So, how are you, anyway?
17:20Isn't that a huge spot appearing on your so-called face?
17:23My God, you've got fat, haven't you?
17:25Must be all that lager.
17:27But you've got a terminal disease.
17:29Always happens to people who least expect it.
17:31Don't you find that?
17:33Say hello, then, won't you?
17:35Only trying to be friendly.
17:37Davey, baby, what can I say?
17:40Is he the greatest, most handsome, fantastic person ever,
17:43or am I insane?
17:44You're insane.
17:46Lister, what are you going to do about them?
17:48Do?
17:48What can I do?
17:49I think we should arrest them.
17:50What for?
17:52For being hallucinations.
17:53Oh, come on, smeghead.
17:54It's a bit of company, isn't it?
17:56Lister, you're still sick.
17:58These two are symptoms of your disease.
18:00They're like the spots in measles,
18:02the swellings in mumps,
18:04the funny walk in cystitis.
18:07Until they're gone, you won't be better.
18:09Hey, now I know what the H stands for.
18:13Idiot, am I right?
18:16You are treading a very thin line, milado.
18:20Your H stands for hologram.
18:22I happen to be dead.
18:24Couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.
18:27Come on, King, forget those losers.
18:29Let's go party.
18:30No, I forbid it.
18:31Why?
18:31Why do you never listen to Mr. Rimmer?
18:34He's so much more experienced,
18:36more level-headed,
18:38so much better than you.
18:40Hey, no one is better than Mr. Magnificent,
18:42and no one tells the Prince of Charisma what to do.
18:45Right, Prince?
18:45Yeah, right.
18:46That's my baby boy.
18:49I don't believe it.
18:50He's socializing with a figment of his imagination.
18:53Yes.
18:56Please note a dust storm is approaching.
18:59Ship exterior is now out of bounds.
19:01All airlocks are being automatically sealed.
19:04Estimated duration, 18 hours.
19:06Oh, I try to kindle like firelight.
19:27You wrote that?
19:29Yeah, it was ages ago, you know.
19:31That is the greatest love song ever.
19:34Come on.
19:35Ever.
19:35It's so deep.
19:36The images.
19:38The dwindling.
19:39The kindling.
19:40All the indling.
19:41I love all that stuff.
19:42When I think there's fast-buck merchants like Beethoven and Mozart out there grabbing all the publicity,
19:48and here's you writing pieces of that caliber, it makes me want to be weak.
19:53What are you doing with the cigarette book?
19:55Oh, you've embarrassed me now.
19:58It's just your lips had touched it.
20:00Your lips.
20:01The king's kissing lips.
20:03And I just wanted some proof I'd actually met.
20:06The Duke of Deliciousness.
20:09You're serious, aren't you?
20:11Serious about what?
20:12I'm a nobody.
20:14Out of the 169 people on board this ship, I ranked 169, bottom of the pile.
20:20That's because you didn't want all that career stuff.
20:22You wanted your farm on Fiji with you-know-who.
20:26If she'd have come.
20:27If!
20:28If!
20:29Ah!
20:29And turn down the opportunity to become the envy of all womankind?
20:33Oh, we'll never know now.
20:35Why not?
20:36She's dead.
20:37So-so's River.
20:38Bring her back.
20:39I can't.
20:39Holly can only sustain one hologram.
20:41And River's hidden all your personality discs.
20:43So find them.
20:45I can't.
20:46King.
20:47You can do anything.
20:50Anything.
20:52Anything.
20:53He can't do anything.
20:54Oh, I know, I know.
20:56I'll bet five.
20:57Do you know, he used to practice kissing on his own.
20:59How?
21:00He made lips out of one hand and then waggled his thumb through the gap.
21:05Like a tongue.
21:07That is priceless.
21:09It really is.
21:10Seventeen years old and he used to snog his own hand.
21:14Once, in front of the whole school, he called his gym teacher Daddy.
21:19I could have died with embarrassment.
21:21What a silly thing to call a gym master.
21:24I'm racked with guilt.
21:25I hate him.
21:27If you hate him, why do you talk about him so much?
21:29Because he makes my life one big humiliating, cringe-making, guilt-ridden hell.
21:34Now, stab him, stab him, stab him, stab him, quick, stab him!
21:39Ah, you haven't met stab him.
21:43He's one of our scutters.
21:45Stab him.
21:46Meet Lister's paranoia.
21:47Lister's paranoia.
21:48This is stab him.
21:49Yo, Rimmer, listen.
21:50We've been thinking.
21:51We think we can get Kachansky back without turning you off.
21:55Oh.
21:55He's drunk.
21:56Yes.
21:57He's been speaking.
21:58All we're going to do is turn off all unnecessary power systems and the holly says it'll wait.
22:02Ding dong.
22:03Another great idea from the people who bought you beer milkshakes.
22:06Can you be so obsessed with a girl you hardly know?
22:09Hardly knows her?
22:10You haven't heard the Indling song.
22:13Our love, I try to kindle.
22:17Lister, you're not having a disc.
22:19Why?
22:19Because she'll rank above you.
22:20But she's a bright, good-looking, intelligent, witty, upwardly mobile officer.
22:25Why should she be interested in you?
22:27Yes, why should she be interested in you?
22:29Yeah, why should she be interested in me?
22:32Sorry, I was just thinking about that song.
22:34I can't get it out of my head.
22:37Why?
22:38Because you're great.
22:39You're an incredibly seductive, charming, charismatic young stud.
22:42Yeah, I forgot.
22:43That's why she'd be interested in me.
22:45Lister, you're not having her disc or any disc.
22:48Come on, King.
22:49You know Rimmer.
22:50Where would he hide him?
22:51I don't know.
22:52Yes, you do.
22:53No, he doesn't.
22:55Come on.
22:56Think winner.
22:59Outside.
23:00Outside the ship.
23:02Er, wrong, actually.
23:04Where outside?
23:06Well, he'd have to send the scutters.
23:07And the desk would have to be safe.
23:09Wrong, wrong.
23:11Absolutely brimming over with wrong ability.
23:13And he'd have to be right under my nose so he could laugh at me.
23:17Wrong and getting wronger all the time.
23:20Outside our sleeping quarters.
23:22The solar panel outside our sleeping quarters.
23:25You followed me, you goit.
23:27Is that where they are?
23:29That's incredible.
23:30I did it.
23:34Lister.
23:45How long now, Hull?
23:46Can't be long now, Dave.
23:48Her kill has got all the suspects in one room.
23:51And I'm only two pages away from also by the same author.
23:54Oh, Hullie, the dust storm.
23:56Hold that.
23:57Any time now, it's almost subsided.
23:59Hey, how's my baby boy?
24:01Oh, look.
24:02You've got a body like a coat hanger.
24:05How can you make a spacesuit look like evening wear?
24:07Let me ask you one question.
24:10It's no use arguing, Rimmer.
24:11I'm going.
24:12Who smashed up the Medicom?
24:14He's Stalin, King.
24:15Let's go.
24:15Hullie, give him a punch-up.
24:18But what's in it for them?
24:19Smash up the Medical Uni.
24:22Lister, come here.
24:23Sure.
24:23Come here.
24:27You are still sick.
24:28I feel great.
24:30You will not...
24:32You will not...
24:34You will not be better until they've gone.
24:37They know that, and now they've stopped you getting any treatment.
24:43Where's paranoia?
24:44I don't know.
24:45Is it someplace near Uruguay?
24:48Who is this, Joker?
24:50Lister, they're germs and they're dangerous.
24:52The storm has passed, Dave.
24:54Airlocks are now released.
24:55What are we waiting for, King?
24:59Nothing.
25:02Holly, put a trace on paranoia.
25:04What's a trace?
25:05It's space jargon.
25:07It means find him.
25:08No, it doesn't.
25:09You just made it up to be cool.
25:12Where is he?
25:13Paranoia is no longer aboard this ship.
25:18Man, look at that view, kingo.
25:20Me and you on top of the world.
25:22Makes you want to dance.
25:28Hey, here it is.
25:44did you hear something no in space no one can hear you cha-cha-cha you don't think me paranoid
25:49could have got here first do you forget him he's no danger he smashed up the medical unit no he
25:54didn't what you mean i did you did so we can be together baby you don't want to get cured
26:00i did
26:00for you so where did he go then i killed him what you mean you killed him cha-cha-cha
26:07hey don't look at me like that he didn't suffer i just fed him into the waste grinder and flushed
26:12his mints into space look i'm gonna go inside now it gets a little bit hot i get a bit
26:18claustrophobic
26:19in these suits take your helmet off what you're hot take your helmet off i'll die why there's no
26:25oxygen out here hey oxygen's for losers come on i need oxygen you don't need anything king you're
26:32the king you're crazy i told you you needed oxygen huh so loser who was trying to make you feel
26:39small
26:40look i'll prove it to you i'll take mine off first we'll soon see who the crazy one is around
26:46here
26:46no
27:00must you do this now i'm doing the laundry it's totally disgusting what's disgusting
27:11mr yeah i just want to say i was right all along i said there were germs and they were
27:18germs yeah
27:19okay so what and i'm just saying now that disc will only bring you misery i just want you to
27:25remember
27:25that i said that look if she comes back and she's not interested i can handle it whatever lister i
27:32want
27:32it on record that disc is a one-way ticket to miseryville yeah but i've spent enough time
27:37listening to me paranoia now i'm gonna listen to me confidence
27:55hi chrissy oh it's not gonna work hello chrissy it's not gonna work either hey yo chrissy
28:06hi
28:11lister look good luck i mean it smeg off no honestly i mean it good luck okay i'll switch it
28:20on
28:23well he did warn you i certainly did do you honestly think i put kachansky's disc in kachansky's
28:31box where any munchkin could find it you think you had it bad before lister now you've got it in
28:38stereo
28:38baby
28:42welcome aboard rimsy nice to be here mr rimmer yes son of a gun
29:13it's
29:15I'm just dribbling out my toes
29:17Fun, fun, fun
29:20Is it fun, fun, fun?
29:24Fun, fun, fun
29:26Is it fun, fun, fun?
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