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00:06In 1648, King Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell and his roundheads.
00:10Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.
00:15One was the sole descendant of a great historical English dynasty, his name Sir Edmund Blackadder.
00:21The other was the sole descendant of an unfortunate meeting between a pig farmer and a bearded lady.
00:26History has quite rightly forgotten his name.
00:32Oh, Rick!
00:34Yes, sir.
00:35Oh, get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing.
00:38How's the king, sir?
00:39Um, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who's spending the winter in a black currant bush.
00:47Do you think the roundheads will find him?
00:49Certainly not. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as a fox being chased by a
00:54pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.
00:58Is that true?
01:00Yes, of course it's true.
01:01Have you ever known me to lie to the king?
01:03Yes.
01:05No.
01:06Exactly.
01:08He's absolutely safe, as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.
01:12You can trust me, sir.
01:16Right, Balric, I'm off to answer the call of nature.
01:19If by any freak chance Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next 90 seconds,
01:25remember, the king is not hiding here.
01:29Yes, sir.
01:31Green sleeves is my...
01:34Good evening, citizen.
01:37I am Oliver Cromwell.
01:39My men have surrounded your house, and I am looking for royalist scum.
01:45Is the king hiding here?
01:47Some.
01:58No.
02:01On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?
02:06Yes, I am.
02:08I see.
02:11Well, then, my proud beauty, you won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?
02:19Men, come in from the cold, will you?
02:23Now, we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.
02:26All right, but don't touch the purple cup.
02:29Why not?
02:30That's the king's.
02:39Thank you, citizen.
02:40You may leave me alone with King Charles.
02:43Ah, Mr. Cromwell, how delightful to see you again.
02:46Do you get up?
02:47Do you get up?
02:48Tell me, um, have you come far?
02:50I have, sir.
02:52From country squire to lord protector of England.
02:55Fascinating.
02:56Absolutely fascinating.
02:57Um, tell me, uh, what exactly does a lord protector do?
03:02He spells your doom, sir.
03:05He spells my doom.
03:06Wonderful.
03:07Well, that's particularly exciting because so many people these days can't spell at all.
03:11Um, particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest.
03:15I'm pretty sweet, sir, but all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold.
03:20Truly good.
03:21Fascinating.
03:22Carry on.
03:23A priest, sir, to help you make your peace with God before you die.
03:29Oh, hello.
03:31You might just see.
03:32I can arrange for certain monies to be paid to allow you to escape.
03:36Blackadder!
03:37You're dressed as a priest.
03:38How, how dangerous and stupid and, and perverted.
03:42It's just like school.
03:43Oh, sir, sir, this is a matter of life and death.
03:47Nonsense, Blackadder.
03:48I don't think there's a, a jury in England that would bring in a verdict of guilty against me.
03:52Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury.
03:55So, what does it say?
03:57Guilty or not guilty?
03:59I'll give you two guesses.
04:02Not guilty.
04:04One more guess.
04:10Oh, damn.
04:13One measly civil war in the entire history of England and I'm on the wrong bloody side.
04:20That's something wrong, sir.
04:22Yes, Baldrick, yes, there is.
04:24Don't you realise if the king dies, we royalists are doomed.
04:27We will enter a hideous age of puritanism.
04:30They'll close all the theatres.
04:32Lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal.
04:35And I will be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of Boulogne.
04:41If they so much as suspect our loyalties, our property will be forfeit and we'll be for the chop.
04:46Oh, I love chops.
04:50Boulogne, your brain is like the four-headed, man-eating, haddock fish beast of Aberdeen.
04:59In what way?
05:00It doesn't exist.
05:03Oh, God, what are we going to do?
05:06Don't despair, sir, something will pop up.
05:08Well, not under puritanism, it won't.
05:11We must do something.
05:14We must do something, otherwise the black adders are as doomed as that ant.
05:19What ant?
05:22That one.
05:24So this is the day of the execution of Charles the First?
05:29Absolutely not, your majesty.
05:31Those round-head traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle.
05:36How fascinating.
05:37What is that, exactly?
05:39They will never find a man to behead you.
05:41They'd have hundreds of volunteers to cut Cromwell's head off.
05:43He's such an ugly devil.
05:45He's got so many warts on his face, it's only when he sneezes that you find out which one is
05:49his nose.
05:52They will never find a man to execute you.
05:54Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic.
05:57You know, there are so many young people who would leap at a chance like that.
06:02You know, all they need is the initiative somehow.
06:05I suppose, in a sense, that's what my award scheme is all about.
06:10Really?
06:10Yes.
06:11On the other hand, of course, I don't want my head cut off.
06:14It's a question of balance, isn't it?
06:15Like so many things.
06:16Shut up with the greatest respect, your man.
06:19They will never find an executioner.
06:21And if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket.
06:25Give me a message for the king.
06:33Ah.
06:41There's a dragon in the tail.
06:43For God's sake, stop that, Baldrick.
06:47It's bad enough having one's life in us a ruin without being serenaded by a moron
06:51with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster.
06:56I'm sorry, sir.
06:57I can't help it.
06:58See, I've just had a little windfall.
07:00Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're going to do that, go into the garden.
07:05I mean, I've come into some money.
07:08Really?
07:08Family inheritance?
07:10No, I ate that ages ago.
07:13Of course, your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.
07:18No, it was 50 pounds, actually.
07:19It was delicious.
07:20But this is just a little something that fell in my lap.
07:23Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap, Baldrick.
07:27No, but this one is a job.
07:30Really?
07:31I just don't understand it.
07:33Where on earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, so low and degraded,
07:38as to accept the job of beheading the King of England?
07:48Baldrick.
07:51That little job that fell into your lap.
07:55It wasn't by any chance something to do with an axe, a basket, a little black mask and the King
08:00of England.
08:01No.
08:02Go on.
08:03I couldn't find a basket.
08:05You very small, total bastard.
08:08Oh, please, sir.
08:09Don't kill me.
08:10I have a cunning plan to save the King.
08:12Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy.
08:15Your family's record in the Department of Cunning Planning is about as impressive as Stumpy Oleg McNoleg's personal best in
08:23the Market Harbour Marathon.
08:27All right, what's the plan?
08:32A pumpkin is going to save the King.
08:35Ah.
08:36But over here, I have one that I prepared earlier.
08:43I will balance it on the King's head like this.
08:47Then I will cover his real head with a cloak.
08:51And then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, I will cut off the pumpkin and
08:57the King survives.
09:00I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick.
09:03Why not?
09:04Because once you've cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say,
09:08This is the head of a traitor.
09:09At which point they will shout back, No, it's not.
09:12It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache.
09:16I suppose it's not 100% convincing.
09:18It's not 1% convincing.
09:22However, I'm a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment.
09:26Here is my fist.
09:27Kindly run towards it as fast as you can.
09:33I just don't understand it.
09:36What possessed you to take the job?
09:37Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
09:39It was just a wild, silly, foolish plan.
09:41I thought with the money I got from executing the King, I could sneak out and buy a brand new
09:48King when no one was looking and popping back on the throne without anyone noticing.
09:52Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants.
09:57You'd do anything for 30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you?
10:00It was £1,000, actually, sir.
10:03Plus tip.
10:06Well, I suppose somebody's got to do it, haven't they?
10:09And if it's going to be done, it's got to be done in a single stroke by someone who actually
10:12owns an axe.
10:13We don't want you hacking away at it all afternoon with that cheap pen knife of yours.
10:17It would be so embarrassing to have King Charles stagging around Hampton Court tomorrow morning with his neck flapping like
10:23a fish's heel on your side.
10:25Sir, you don't mean...
10:26Yep.
10:27I'm doing it.
10:28Lend me your costume.
10:29Then go meetly to the King and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him tomorrow.
10:35And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse.
10:40So, that's why he can't be here.
10:42Sorry.
10:43I see you.
10:44I quite understand.
10:45Yes.
10:48Sir, the moment has arrived.
10:50Are you ready to meet your maker?
10:52Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life.
10:57Yes, particularly manufacturing industry.
11:00Well then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner and let's get on with it.
11:05Right.
11:10Well, I'm sorry, my friend.
11:11I'm alone here today.
11:13I had hoped that my good, loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, would be here with me.
11:19But unfortunately, his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry patch.
11:25So, naturally, he can't be with us.
11:29All I can do is bid you do your duty well.
11:33Well, thank you, your majesty.
11:35And may I say how much I mourn for your lot and bid you remember others before you who have
11:41died unjustly.
11:43Well, thank you.
11:43I take great solace from them.
11:44Sir Thomas More, for instance.
11:46A great generous man to the last.
11:48He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely.
11:51Oh, I'm so sorry.
11:52I thought service was included.
11:55I beg your pardon.
11:56Um, here you are.
11:58Hmm.
11:59And then there was the Earl of Essex.
12:01Was there?
12:02A truly great man.
12:04They still sing his famous ballad down the Chepstow Arms.
12:08What ballad is that?
12:10The Earl, he had a thousand sovereigns.
12:12Hey, nonny, no.
12:14Gave them all away to the man with the axe.
12:18Oh.
12:19A thousand sovereigns?
12:21Well, you can't take it with you, your majesty.
12:24Very true.
12:25Well, there you are.
12:25Do keep the change.
12:27Thank you, your majesty.
12:28Right.
12:29Should we go?
12:29Just a minute.
12:31That voice has a strangely familiar ring.
12:34And so does that finger.
12:37Becker.
12:40Hello, your majesty.
12:42You cunning swine.
12:44Yes, well, uh, uh.
12:46Marvellous, splendid.
12:47You, you, you've duped Carmel and you've concocted a cunning plan to help me and my infant son escape to
12:54France.
12:55Ah, yes, that's right.
12:57Yes.
12:58So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away.
13:02Yes, let's.
13:04Uh.
13:06Well, you start the ball rolling.
13:08No, no, after you.
13:10Right.
13:11Yes.
13:12Yes.
13:13Uh, oh, yes.
13:14Yes, right.
13:15And it's, and it's a very good plan.
13:17It's a staggering, bow-shatteringly good plan.
13:21Is the king ready?
13:23Yes.
13:24Come, your majesty.
13:26Come.
13:43This is the head of a traitor.
13:46No, it's not.
13:47It's a huge pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it.
13:54Oh, yes, so it is.
13:55Sorry, I'll try again.
14:05Well, sir, they can't say you didn't try.
14:09Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms in the person of this infant prince.
14:15And with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France.
14:19Oh, quite.
14:21On the other hand, you can stay here, and as a known loyalist, the roundheads will come and cut your
14:27head off.
14:27Exactly, Balric.
14:29Oh, my God.
14:30I'm a house, friend.
14:31Oh, no.
14:32We're surrounded.
14:33What will we do?
14:34Well, at times like this, Balric, there is no choice for a man of honour.
14:38He must stand and fight and die in defence of his future sovereign.
14:44Fortunately, I'm not a man of honour.
14:51Thank God you've come.
14:53Seize the royalist scum.
14:54I'm not a man of a man of a man of a man of a man of a man of
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