- 1 day ago
First broadcast 17th October 1991.
Arthur's Yorkshire contact Billy hires Ray to guard Young Sam, his racing pigeon, on the eve of a race whose prize money is worth ten thousand pounds.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
George Costigan - Billy
Nick Reding - Nostalgic
Gabrielle Cowburn - Donna
Sidney Livingstone - Bert Daley
Lill Roughley - Doreen Daley
Willie Ross - Stan Sorrell
Stephen Churchett - Hotel Waiter
Johnny Allan - Club Secretary
Duggie Brown - Club Member
Gordon Wharmby - Club Member
Joe Belcher - Operator
Bev Willis - Night Club Manager
Frank Rozelaar-Green - Italian Waiter
Alan Harris - Diner
Harry Van Engel - Winchester Club Patron
Arthur's Yorkshire contact Billy hires Ray to guard Young Sam, his racing pigeon, on the eve of a race whose prize money is worth ten thousand pounds.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
George Costigan - Billy
Nick Reding - Nostalgic
Gabrielle Cowburn - Donna
Sidney Livingstone - Bert Daley
Lill Roughley - Doreen Daley
Willie Ross - Stan Sorrell
Stephen Churchett - Hotel Waiter
Johnny Allan - Club Secretary
Duggie Brown - Club Member
Gordon Wharmby - Club Member
Joe Belcher - Operator
Bev Willis - Night Club Manager
Frank Rozelaar-Green - Italian Waiter
Alan Harris - Diner
Harry Van Engel - Winchester Club Patron
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I know we're in the common market, but when it comes to currency, Carl, I'm strictly a one-language man.
00:07Carl, I never talk in Deutschmarks.
00:10When we come to that, I never have it in yen, dollars, potatoes, avocados.
00:14Over here, red is always coming sterling.
00:18Have a word with your colleagues.
00:19Yeah, ta-ra.
00:20What?
00:21Yeah, I'll visit you too.
00:23Ta-ra.
00:24Come in the old soldier, was he Arthur?
00:27Billy, what distinguishes the ruling class from the rest of this country?
00:31Vast amounts of money, influence and power.
00:34Well done, Billy, but you missed out one important element.
00:36You.
00:37No, I don't know.
00:38The old school tie.
00:40England's equivalent to the Masonic handshake, Mafia oath and Cub salute all rolled into one.
00:45If you are wearing the right tie, all doors in this grey and peasant land are open to you.
00:50I think it's time the man in the street got him on the act.
00:53And I am thinking particularly of the man in the streets of Bradford and surrounding districts.
00:57I'll never go for it, Arthur.
00:58Most of them never wear a tie.
00:59I'm aware of that, Billy.
01:02The working man's answer to the old school tie.
01:06Old school braces.
01:07Now, don't tell me your lot to stop wearing braces.
01:10As you see, they come in a variety of cunning colors.
01:12These are EMCC.
01:14Very handy when you and your mates are trying to slope into the pavilion at Edingly.
01:19Bruffle City.
01:20And Arrow O'Neill.
01:21I can also offer you Brigade of Guards, Royal Green Jackets, Seventh and Twelfth Lancers and Old Etonian.
01:28A man wearing a pair of these will find no door closed to him.
01:31And, with the aid of discerning selection, he can stroll down the corridors of power, rub shoulders with the crowned
01:37heads of Europe and take his rightful place in the sun.
01:43I'll get these, Arthur.
01:44Top.
01:45And one for yourself, Dave.
01:47Thanks very much, Billy.
01:48I'll have half with you.
01:49So that's agreed, then.
01:50200 a day for raised services, plus any unforeseen expenses.
01:54And, of course, plus VAT.
01:56That's 17 and a half percent.
01:58I didn't know you was registered, Arthur.
02:00Dave, I seem to spend most of my life collecting money on behalf of Her Majesty's Government.
02:03Cheers, Billy.
02:04Arthur, I am grateful to you.
02:06This job needs someone that is 100% reliable.
02:09That's what I offer, Billy. Total reliability.
02:11Is that right, Dave?
02:12Oh, your reliability is legendary, Arthur.
02:15Legendary.
02:16There's just two points, Billy.
02:18I don't like my staff bothered with the financial arrangements I've made on their behalf.
02:23Secondly, for security reasons, don't inform him what the job is until you're halfway there.
02:28I'm glad to see you're taking it so seriously.
02:30Right, they're all loaded up, Billy.
02:31Car's outside.
02:33There then, Dave.
02:34I'm really ready for a drink and some food.
02:36I'll have a pint of lager, two rounds of your beef sandwiches and, er...
02:40Yeah, a couple of sausage rolls.
02:41No, no, no, Ray.
02:42There's no time for order.
02:43I'm sending you off on a very special mission with Billy here.
02:45Well, in that case, then, cancel the sausage rolls and make it one round of beef.
02:48Ray, look, do you think I got the top of the tree fretting about beef sandwiches?
02:52Captains of industry, Raymond, are not preoccupied with lager and sausage rolls.
02:55Yeah, too right, they're not.
02:57More like smoked salmon and a bottle of Chablis.
02:59All right.
03:00Billy, get him something on the way, will you?
03:02You'd better stop off and pick up an overnight bag.
03:04There's a couple of score for your exes.
03:05Yeah, but where am I going?
03:06This is no time for philosophy, Ray.
03:08There's work to be done.
03:09Off you go.
03:25Now then, Ray.
03:27This is all right, eh?
03:29Yeah, great.
03:37So what's this special mission I'm on?
03:40You, Ray, are going to look after a little diamond.
03:43Why?
03:43You are a ruby, a pearl beyond compare.
03:47I didn't know you'd do it in precious stands.
03:49I am talking, Ray, about the best cock in Bratford.
03:52And I wouldn't trust him in anyone else.
03:55Young Sam is a one-off.
03:57You could spend a lifetime and never see his lake again.
04:01The finest racing pigeon I've ever handled.
04:05Racing pigeon?
04:06Are you telling me half has got me minding a racing pigeon?
04:09He certainly has, and I hope you'll feel privileged.
04:12I'm feeling a lot of things right now, Billy,
04:14and privilege is not one of them.
04:15You, Ray, are crucial for the race.
04:17What race?
04:18Challenge race.
04:19Young Sam against Pride of Pudsey.
04:21That's Stan Saddlesburg. You know, I used to be my partner.
04:23I don't think I've had the pleasure.
04:24No, not business partner.
04:25We used to race pigeons together in partnership.
04:27That was before the Barcelona 89,
04:29and less said about that the better.
04:30Well, how do I fit into all of this?
04:32The race is from London to Bratford.
04:35You, Ray, will accompany Stan's nominated conveyor
04:37from Bratford to London,
04:39and then you will both release the birds.
04:41And that is this special mission that Arthur was going on about?
04:45It certainly is.
04:53Yeah, I'm in a business meeting at the moment. I'll ring you later. Tell her.
04:56Are you ready to order, sir?
04:57I most certainly am. A good day's work deserves its just reward, eh?
05:01Indeed, sir.
05:01I'll have a smoked salmon to start with, and then the filet mignon, medium,
05:06with some courgette, broccoli and mushrooms.
05:11And to drink, sir?
05:12Yeah, a bottle of Nuit St. George. Go down and treat.
05:15Certainly, sir. Anything else?
05:16Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.
05:18That, er, gent's outfit that's in the foyer.
05:21I've got some stock that would really go a treat in there.
05:24Old-school braces.
05:26Do you, er, by any chance know the manager?
05:29Yes.
05:30Well, perhaps you'd like to tell me about him,
05:31when you've given my order to the chef?
05:33Certainly, sir.
05:45That's it.
05:46That's it.
05:47I'm not saying you were 19 chilling short of a pound,
05:50but last boat race, this fella wanted to put a five-inch weight on Cambridge.
05:55Did you take it?
05:57I can't do that a year.
05:59Hey-up, hey-up, hey-up, lads. Hey-up, hey-up.
06:02He's a fella going to lose a pigeon race come tomorrow night
06:17So where who's this then this is Ray Daly he'll be convain in the birds with your nominee
06:22This is Stan Soddle known to his mates and absolutely no other bugger as honest
06:35What you starting to collect then if your bird wins silver cup or sunny hmm there's no coops with this
06:40race laden
06:41It's a straight bet and the bet is ten thousand pounds ten thousand pounds on a pigeon race
06:46You sure you know what you're doing?
06:48I've never been sure a young Sam is trained to peak perfection. He'll walk it for your sake he doesn't
06:53what you've got to remember
06:54He's don't let them birds out your side Ray. There's a lot of money riding on this race
06:58Yeah, so it seems if I would have thought you and Billy would have gone to London and release them
07:02yourselves
07:08There's no way they could get from London to Bradford faster than the birds
07:11And there's no way they'll be anywhere else putting their pigeon lofts when you liberate exactly liberate you make it
07:16sound like war
07:17That's just what it is laden, and it's one I intend to win. Oh
07:21Are we that confident you should be giving better odds than evens then right? He's right. I'll tell you what
07:25I'm offering now two to one against young Sam
07:52Oh
07:53Excellent excellent
07:55Before you know it every tourist in your hotel will be twanging his MCC braces
08:01No, no, no, no, not really. I suppose not
08:04Well, that's six dozen mixed in
08:07Thank you very much. Mr. Jansen Smith
08:09One of my fleet of vans will deliver them before close of business tomorrow. Yes. Thank you very much. Goodbye
08:40I'm gonna shoot off mate. Right, I'll run you back to your hotel
08:43No, no, no, no problem. You're having a good time with your pals
08:45Keep we're going like that. Just, er, what time tomorrow?
08:48You must be at Foster Square station for 8.30am
08:53Are you sure you can find your hotel?
08:55I'm fine Billy
08:57Fine
08:59No, no, no, no, I tell you it goes like a bird
09:02No, that's the only reason it's so cheap is because I am not a greedy man
09:07What do you mean you think you've got the wrong number?
09:09No, no, look, I prefer a quick turnover rather than have my stock taking root on the forecourt
09:14No, no, no, no, I'll tell you what I'll do
09:16I'll get my assistant to bring it over to you tomorrow afternoon
09:18You're gonna have a test drive, no obligation
09:21If you like it, you're gonna have it for 5,000
09:23And that includes the fabulous Arthur Daly six-month warranty
09:26Yeah, he'll be with you about 4 o'clock
09:28His name's Ray Daly
09:31That was pucker
09:33Would you like to see the sweet roddy, sir?
09:35Oh, no, thanks, I couldn't eat another crumb
09:38Er, could I just have a coffee?
09:39Here, and a cognac
09:40Yes, please
09:41Twice, please
09:42Very good, sir
09:43Thanks
09:46Hey, it was lovely, wasn't it?
09:48Yeah
09:51Right, now you've got to sing for your supper
09:54You what?
09:55For my sins, I asked you what that lot in the pub were roaring on about
09:58Oh, right, right, the widowhood system
10:00Yeah, that's it
10:02How come you know about pigeons?
10:04Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking a girl from Liverpool
10:06How come she knows about football?
10:09Compulsory up here, is it?
10:10O-levels in pigeon racing
10:11Well, O-levels?
10:12No, I could do a degree course in it
10:14Oh, it's good
10:17Thanks
10:29Right then, the widowhood system
10:33Well, it's a method that pigeon fanciers use to get a better performance
10:39And in the case of cocks
10:42And in the case of cocks, it's based on their sexual drive
10:45You have my undivided attention
10:50Have you heard from Ray, don't I?
10:52No, Dave, he's probably got his hands full with them birds
10:55I'm surprised he hadn't been on the phone complaining about being a pitchy mite
10:58Ray?
10:59Never, Dave
11:00Good as gold
11:01It's breeding, you know
11:03It always will out
11:04Breeding?
11:05Yeah, Ray being family
11:06Solid as a rock
11:08I knew at the moment I clapped eyes on him
11:09See, Dave
11:10Great men, truly
11:11Truly great men
11:12Have this gift of discernment
11:15And the ability to delegate
11:17I shall have to remember that, Arthur
11:19So, having duly delegated
11:22Your mind is entirely at ease?
11:25My mind, Dave, is like the sea of tranquility
11:29Apart from which Ray can hardly get in trouble up north
11:46Some pigeons are wind up
11:49Here, Billy
11:51Over there
11:56Where are the trains?
11:58Up to Sheffield
11:59Took track with you
12:01Now then, it's me bar eight
12:02Like a top, mate
12:03Good lad
12:04Come on, then
12:08Right, Stan, my nominated conveyor is here
12:11Now, where's yours?
12:12Don't panic, Billy
12:15Here she comes now
12:28Right, as the secretary of Ilkley Invitation Flying Club
12:33Bring this meeting to order
12:34Are the two contestants here?
12:36Yes, certainly are
12:37Right, lads
12:39He didn't tell me
12:40He didn't ask me
12:41I'm Stan Sorrell's daughter
12:44I know that now
12:45Aren't you pleased that I'm coming to London with you?
12:48Don't punish
12:49Checkered cock
12:52Checkered cock
12:53GB88
12:59J15721
13:05Stop
13:06Ring number
13:085-0-0-107
13:10Dually noted
13:12Checkered cock
13:13Checkered cock
13:14Checkered cock
13:14Number 88
13:17Z14322
13:19Ring number
13:205-0-0-0-8
13:23Excuse me, noted
13:27Right now, gentlemen
13:30Merry clocks
13:33They were sent at a formal meeting of the entire committee one hour ago
13:38Best of them, lads
13:39Best of them, lads
13:40Best of them, lads
13:44Seal number 0-1-9-7
13:47Ready?
13:49Ready
13:52Are you sure there's somebody meeting them at the other end?
13:56Don't panic, Stanley
13:58They've been met by the most trustworthy man in London
14:01His name's Arthur Daly
14:10Daly into Europe
14:12Hello, nostalgic
14:14Hey, hey, hey
14:15You have called at a very propitious moment
14:18Yep
14:19I have just acquired, literally five minutes ago
14:22Some absolutely magical material
14:25Uh-huh
14:25I can offer you, in boxed sets, in mint condition, the following
14:30Eartha Kitt meets Billy Graham in stereo
14:35The best of Winston Churchill
14:37Including his state funeral
14:39And the household cavalry
14:41Meet the Vienna Boys' Choir on ice
14:44Yeah, oh, hold on, Nos
14:46Correction, that last one
14:47The Vienna Boys' Choir
14:49Meets the household cavalry in Nice
15:04Daly into Europe
15:05Er, Ray and Stan's daughter, Donna, left Leeds Central at 0-9-2-5
15:09What are you doing in the lock-up?
15:10I'm talking to you, Billy
15:12If I was somewhere else, I couldn't do that, could I?
15:15Ha-ha
15:15I want you at King's Cross Station to meet that train
15:18We don't want any slip-ups
15:19There's a lot of brass riding on this race
15:20Billy, Billy, don't concern yourself
15:22Ray's a big boy, he knows his way back from King's Cross
15:25I want you to phone me from King's Cross Station the moment they arrive
16:17Miss him?
16:19What do you mean, gone missing?
16:21That train was non-stop
16:23Were you late getting there?
16:25I was not only early, Billy
16:27I also had to suffer the indignity of being propositioned by a lady of the night
16:31Who was offering some very bizarre services
16:34You sure they caught that train?
16:36Arthur, a large part of the Ilkley Invitation Flying Club
16:40Observed their departure
16:41Find them, Arthur, and find them quick
16:45Young Sam is the finest racing pigeon this side of the Pennines
16:48And he is trained to peak perfection
16:50I do not want him traumatised and corrupted by life in London
16:58Dave, have you seen that bloody ray?
17:00Would that be the ray who's solid as a rock?
17:03Good as gold and always reliable
17:04Yeah, that's the one
17:05I ain't seen him since he headed north with Billy
17:07Well, he's supposed to have headed south
17:08If he comes in here with some birds and a bird
17:10Nail him to the wall till I get back
17:12He's gone missing with some bookie's daughter
17:13I knew it would be a bird
17:15It always is with that boy
17:16It's the only thing he seems to have had
17:18He's standing up for him
17:19You're only young ones, aren't you?
17:21Hello, Bill?
17:23Your phone's been busy
17:24What's the word on London?
17:27Small problem?
17:29What do you mean, small problem?
17:50Raymond?
17:54Ray?
17:55Are you in here?
18:05Are you in here?
18:18Hello?
18:53Billy?
18:54I now have the situation completely under control
18:58I am about to release the birds
19:01Oh, thank God for that
19:05Now, let me have a word with Ray and Donna
19:07No, no, no, they're not here
19:09Now, I'm fully equal to the task, Billy, don't worry
19:12Now, what do I do?
19:14I'll break that seal, yeah?
19:15Don't touch that seal, Arthur
19:19You need me, don't touch it
19:21Leave it alone
19:23Stand clear
19:24Move back, retreat
19:26Do you read me?
19:27Do you understand?
19:28Over
19:28No, I don't, but I'm standing back
19:32If you break that seal, I'll have contravened race regulations
19:35I'd probably have to forfeit
19:37And I'd certainly be expelled from the old click club
19:39And I couldn't face that
19:40I'd have to emigrate
19:43Now, under the regulations
19:45There has to be one nominated person from both sides present
19:48When the birds are liberated
19:50That is Ray representing me
19:51And Donna representing Stan
19:53And liberation has to be officially witnessed by you and them
19:58Now, where are they?
20:00If I knew that, Billy
20:01I wouldn't have humped this bloody basket
20:03All the way up Primrose Bloody Hill like a bloody Sherpa
20:06Well, you'll just have to bloody old feet back down again, won't you?
20:09This is all highly regular
20:10Ray and Donna must be present when the birds are liberated
20:12Find them, Arthur
20:13And find them fast
20:15And whatever you do
20:16You treat those birds with the utmost care
20:19They are very, very sensitive to moot change
20:21Talk to them, but softly
20:23You can tell them some of your funny stories
20:25You can sing to them
20:31Oi
20:32What would you like to start with?
20:34How about over the wings of a dove?
20:43See that building over there?
20:45Which one?
20:46The white one
20:47Oh, next to the church?
20:48Yeah, that's the one
20:49Yeah
20:50My mum and dad had their first date in that building
20:53Didn't they?
20:54Yeah
20:54Some old dinner dance
20:59I wonder what happened to your uncle?
21:01I don't know
21:02It's not like him to go missing
21:04I'm very glad he did, though
21:07So am I
21:14Listen, Stan
21:15I have not interfered with your daughter in any shape or form
21:17I've never even seen her
21:19I would very much like to see her
21:21It's perfectly obvious what's happened here
21:22She's led Ray astray
21:24That boy's never so much as looked at a girl before this
21:28Look, I am in the middle of a major export drive
21:31And Ray's continuing absence is putting crucial orders in jeopardy
21:35I've got a whole team of people
21:37Combing the city for them
21:50I'd like to call this crisis meeting of the Daly family to
21:54To
21:56To
21:57Order
21:58Order, yeah
22:02I blame you for this, Arthur Daly
22:03Now steady on
22:06Doreen
22:07Doreen
22:07If it's what Ray wants to do
22:09Look, I'll decide what Ray wants to do
22:11And one thing he definitely should not be doing
22:13Is pulling birds when he's supposed to be looking after pigeons
22:16You had no right sending him up north with a pile of cash in his pocket
22:19You always were generous to a fault, Arthur
22:22That's true
22:23You know what they're like up there
22:24The place is full of little diamond hunters wearing eye-heeled clogs
22:29It looks to me like it's a love job, Arthur
22:32Love job?
22:33Love job?
22:34I'll give him love job
22:35Now wait a minute
22:36What makes you say that?
22:38Oh, he brought her home
22:39To meet us
22:40He's never done that before
22:42Saucy care
22:43Hardly had her feet under the table and calling me mum
22:45Now, now
22:46Don't take on like that, Doreen
22:49Where's he gone with her?
22:51Well, if it's Tuesday
22:53He'll be in heaven and hell
22:55No, that's Wednesdays
22:57Tuesdays is Shangri-La
22:58No
22:59No, that's Friday
23:02No, Arthur, you're wrong there
23:04Fridays is come-as-you-please night for guests at McIntosh's
23:15Sorry, mate
23:15Not heading and paged
23:17No response
23:18I'd just like to have a look for myself
23:19I'm afraid you can't come in then
23:22You're not properly dressed
23:27I fuck you
23:27Go join me
23:36I'm gonna be rockin'
23:37I'm gonna walk
23:38I'm gonna go
23:38You mix me up
23:39You ain't been losing control
23:40Got some MCs
23:41Yes, but something can't sleep
23:42Leaving their mics
23:43And cause me越osin'
23:44I don't need to show you
23:45I'm on the mic
23:46I've got to keep it rockin'
23:48All night
23:48Just to keep it rockin'
23:50All night
23:50Just to keep it
23:50Doing the tune
23:50But I'm neighbours
23:51To save
23:52I'm not messing
24:22Really great record.
24:25Arthur.
24:26What was that?
24:26Rat.
24:27I can say that again.
24:28Listen, I want a word with you.
24:29Where you've been?
24:30Liberation of the Birds has to be witnessed.
24:32You what?
24:33I'm vexed, deeply vexed.
24:35You, Raymond, have left a string of jobs undone.
24:38And you, young lady, are well out of order.
24:40But at the moment, I want you both to accompany me to a certain wicker basket.
24:44I want them pigeons released.
24:45No, well, that's out the question.
24:47This is Donna.
24:47Don't you tell me what's out the question.
24:49They never race at night.
24:51You're going to have to wait until tomorrow, until daylight.
24:54Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'd better go and powder my nose.
24:58Chill out, Arthur.
24:59Sit down.
24:59Take the weight off your feet.
25:00Raymond, your cavalier attitude has been duly noted.
25:03Come on, they've got to be fed.
25:05I don't want to expire in while they're in my custody.
25:07I want a very serious talk with you, alone.
25:26Hiya.
25:27You all right?
25:28Yeah.
25:29Where's Arthur?
25:30He's going to feed the pigeons.
25:31No.
25:32No, they never get fed at this stage of the race.
25:34No, he feeds them now.
25:35He's going to ruin their performance.
25:37Ray, we've got to stop him.
25:49Oh, he's taking them.
25:50Oh.
25:51And I know where he'll be.
25:52Stay here.
25:52Right, look, well, I'll find my dad.
25:53That'll reassure him.
25:54Look, it won't be long.
25:55All right.
25:55I'll find him.
25:56Don't wait up for him.
25:57All right, don't feed them.
25:58Right, and tell him that we'll release them in the morning.
26:00Yeah.
26:00Right.
26:04Well, I'll bet you're hungry.
26:07Just a minute.
26:08Just a minute.
26:14Hang on, Arthur.
26:15Hang on.
26:15No, they mustn't be fed, Arthur.
26:18Look, it's escaping.
26:19Hey, come back.
26:20Come back.
26:21Come back.
26:25Oh, thank God that one's still in there.
26:31Oh, that's perfect, isn't it?
26:33Perfect.
26:34That's all I needed.
26:35You to come in and let one of them pigeons out.
26:37I didn't let him out.
26:38Yes, you did.
26:39If you hadn't come in, frightening the life out of them, they'd both be tucking into their
26:42supper now.
26:42It's not my fault.
26:43Donna said they mustn't be fed before a race.
26:45Oh, yeah.
26:46A bit of skirt turns your head and suddenly she's an oracle of wisdom.
26:48She's helped her father look after them for years.
26:51She knows everything there is to know.
26:52Oh, she knows everything, does she?
26:54Oh, perhaps she'd like to come over here and stop that one messing all my valuable merchandise.
26:59Can't do that.
27:00If she finds out you cut the seal on that basket, Billy will probably have to forfeit the
27:04race.
27:05Oh!
27:06There he is.
27:08I've got...
27:09I've got it.
27:10No, I haven't.
27:11Here, here, boy.
27:11Here, here.
27:13It's no good shouting at it, Arthur.
27:15It probably only responds to its owner's voice.
27:18Oh, that's brilliant.
27:18Which one is that?
27:20And which one is in the basket?
27:21And who owns what?
27:22Well, both owners are Yorkshiremen.
27:23We know that.
27:24So?
27:25Now, come on, lad.
27:26Let's be having you bucking tip basket.
27:29That's not a Yorkshire accent.
27:31You sound like a Libyan with laryngitis.
27:33Well, you try, then.
27:35Don't eat it.
27:36I wasn't an idiot.
27:36I was going to offer it to him.
27:39Here, bread, bread.
27:41Bread, bread.
27:42Come on.
27:43Oh, God.
27:44I'm disappointed in you, Ray.
27:47Deeply disappointed.
27:48I had high hopes for you.
27:50I'll even go to far as say expectations.
27:52But you've been weighed in a balance and found wanting.
27:55What you going on about, Arthur?
27:57I'm going on about that list of jobs on the wall in my office.
28:00Jobs that represent the hard money I've been sweating to earn
28:03while you've been doing a Romeo and Juliet all over the place.
28:10Here, Arthur.
28:11I've got something I want to tell you.
28:14I think I'm in love.
28:17You have what?
28:19Donner and me.
28:21It's the real thing.
28:22Stop standing there babbling like a low-budget buyer
28:26and catch that pigeon!
28:27It's the real thing.
28:28It's the real thing.
29:17Hello, hello, hello.
29:19What have you two been up to, then?
29:21Another all-night party?
29:22Oh, hello, Nostalgia.
29:24Where did you get...
29:26Ray!
29:27The lock-up door!
29:40I can't see it, Arthur.
29:42Oh, no, don't say it's escaped.
29:45Oh, no, there's no sign of it.
29:47Must have got out when Nostalgia came in.
29:49What got out?
29:50Pigeon. Racing pigeon.
29:52Oh, I'm sorry, Arthur, the door was unlocked.
29:55I didn't know you went in for livestock.
29:56Ray, we've got to get a replacement.
29:58Oh, come off it, Arthur.
29:59Well, look, we can't release one pigeon from the basket.
30:02If your girlfriend knows so much about them, she can probably also count up to two.
30:05If she sees two birds flying northwards, Sam Fairley Ann has not the reason why.
30:09Yeah, but if two birds don't arrive back in their coops or lofts or whatever they're called,
30:13someone is going to want to know the reason why.
30:15Oh, well, Brooke, no further argument, Raymond.
30:16There are three very good reasons why we must get a replacement.
30:20One, my reputation.
30:21On my behalf, those birds were entrusted into your care.
30:25Two, we can't let Billy from Bradford down.
30:27He's my northern outlet.
30:28And three, I've got 200 quid on this bird at six to four.
30:31Go and start the car.
30:33If he hadn't opened a basket, none of this would have happened.
30:48Billy, top of the morning to you.
30:49It's Arthur.
30:51No, no, Billy.
30:53Billy, calm down.
30:55Look, don't get so excited again.
30:57It's very bad for your blood pressure.
30:59No, no, no, we haven't released the birds yet.
31:03Very high winds down here.
31:05Virtually a gale.
31:07But, Billy, Billy, I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to them.
31:11Yeah, look, Billy, I've got to go now.
31:12I'll ring you again later.
31:13Bye-bye.
31:18Peace.
31:20Have a nice day.
31:21Cheers.
31:24That's a good tip.
31:26Where are the drinks?
31:27I've been on a phone.
31:29Phone?
31:29What phone?
31:30Where?
31:31Have they got a phone box up the end?
31:33This isn't going to work, Arthur.
31:35Of course it is.
31:36It's no good nabbing one of them flying round Trafalgar Square.
31:40You've got to get a pigeon from Bradford, take it back to London and release a pair of them together.
31:44I think we're wasting our time.
31:46Right.
31:46We're talking oming pigeons here.
31:49Oming pigeons fly home.
31:51And if they've been borrowed from Bradford, they're bound to fly in a northerly direction.
31:55I suppose you know what you're doing.
31:57Well, it's more than you do.
31:59I want to talk to you about this Donna.
32:02Impecuous legovers are one thing, but I am not having love jobs in my establishment.
32:06Do you understand?
32:08I think I'm going to be moving up north, Arthur.
32:10Well, her dad will probably give me a job.
32:12He's got a string of bookie shops.
32:14It's regular wages and plenty of prospects.
32:17Donna's got a nice place, too.
32:19Big enough for the both of us.
32:22You're serious, aren't you?
32:25Yeah, I am.
32:26But what about us, Ray?
32:28All the time you've been with me.
32:29I mean, we're family.
32:30Yeah, but if I settle down with Donna, well, she'll be family, won't she?
32:35I think I'll go and have a wash and brush up.
32:38If a trolley comes along, get some tea and some sandwiches.
32:42All right?
32:43Fair enough.
32:47Hello, Nostalgic.
32:49Look, I've got a problem.
32:51A very serious problem.
32:53And I think you're the man who can help me.
33:17Here, Arthur, I can't make it out.
33:19There's no reply from me flat.
33:21Where do you think she's gone?
33:22Well, she's probably gone shopping.
33:24That's something else you'll have to get used to.
33:26Wives are always going shopping
33:28and always coming back with Paris originals they got for $1.99p and a sale.
33:33Here, come on over here.
33:34There's some birds here.
33:37Pidgey, pidgey, pidgey.
33:39Pidgey, pidgey, pidgey.
33:43Come on, pidgey.
33:43Quick, quick.
33:46Is it opened up?
33:47Yeah, come on, come on, come on.
33:49Come on, Pidgey.
33:50Come on, pidgey.
33:53Come on, pidgey.
33:55Come on, pidgey.
33:58Come on, pidgey.
33:59Come on, pidgey.
33:59Come on, pidgey.
34:00Come on, pidgey.
34:01Pidgey.
34:02Don't go in the aisle.
34:03They'll frighten them.
34:09What are you doing?
34:10Perfectly all right, madam.
34:12Officers from the RSPB.
34:14What do you...
34:15Sorry?
34:16They're going to be trained as carrier pigeons to the Royal Mail.
34:20Any luck?
34:22Yeah.
34:26Oh, oh, look.
34:28Got him.
34:29Got him.
34:29Got him.
34:30Quick, quick, in the basket.
34:32Catch that, shut it, shut it.
34:35Oh, get my hat, my hat.
34:37Oh, got me thong caught.
34:39The thong's caught.
34:42Shut it up, quick, shall we?
34:44Oh, look at that.
34:46You see, Ray, all these things need is careful planning.
34:49Don't you worry, me old powder.
34:51You'll soon be weeing your way back to Bradford.
34:56Yes, Met Office.
34:58Have the gales over London died down yet?
35:05There haven't been any gales.
35:12Thank you very much.
35:14Billy!
35:15Billy!
35:16Where are you?
35:17Billy!
35:17I want a word for you.
35:19I don't understand.
35:20She doesn't know anyone in London.
35:23Ray, a word of advice.
35:25No, no, no, no, no.
35:26I'm not going to try and talk you out of it.
35:29Your mind's made up, and I will miss you.
35:33Thanks, Arthur.
35:35It's good to get a taker like that.
35:37I'm very grateful in me time with you.
35:39I'll always remember you.
35:41I'm touched, Ray.
35:42Deeply touched.
35:43What was that advice you wanted to give me?
35:45Oh, you always start as you mean to go on.
35:49It's no good after a few years of marriage when the first flush turns to an icy pallor.
35:55When that happens, it's no good objecting to her behaviour, because it'd be too late then.
36:00It's a bit of an old-fashioned way of looking at marriage, ain't it?
36:03Ray, there is nothing old-fashioned about marital aggravation.
36:07Traditional, yes.
36:08And it is also timeless.
36:10It never goes out of fashion.
36:14I mean, if she's playing about...
36:16She wouldn't.
36:19No, no, I'm sure you're right.
36:29Which is the club?
36:30Oh, hello, Billy.
36:32How you keep me?
36:34Oh, no, no, I...
36:36Hey, but just a minute.
36:38Nostalgic!
36:40Have you seen Arthur since he phoned?
36:42No.
36:46Can't help you, Billy.
36:51Arthur.
36:53Arthur Daly.
36:54What the hell's going on down there?
36:57I've been onto the Met Office.
36:58Stan's been onto the Met Office.
37:00In fact, after the Oakley Invitation Flying Club, I've been onto the Met Office.
37:03And we've all been told the same thing.
37:05There are no gales over London.
37:07Gales?
37:07What gales?
37:09There are no gales here.
37:10Oh, yeah, there were gales, but they've blown themselves out.
37:15Then release the birds immediately.
37:18No, I can't do that, Billy.
37:20That would contravene your regulations.
37:22You see, I've got two pigeons, I've got Ray, but what I haven't got is Donna.
37:29Stan Sorrell here.
37:31What have you done with my daughter?
37:34Yeah, yeah, now, there was a bird in here answering that description.
37:38And she was looking for you, Ray.
37:39Well, where'd she go?
37:40She must have left the message.
37:41Doesn't say nothing.
37:42If I recall, she had a couple of drinks with Nostalgic, and she left with him.
37:46Nostalgic?
37:46No, no, no, Ray, we mustn't jump to impetuous conclusions.
37:49Yeah, but what time...
37:50Dave, I'll get these.
37:51Here you go.
38:04She's gone.
38:05So how's her case?
38:06Now, Ray, the important thing is to keep calm.
38:08Oh, I'll keep calm, all right?
38:09Just as long as it takes to find them.
38:11No, no, no, you know what they say.
38:12About the course of true love, it never runs smooth.
38:16Well, I'll tell you this, Arthur.
38:18It's going to get rougher.
38:19A lot rougher.
38:27Cheers.
38:28Nah, they ain't in there.
38:30Well, it's no good trying a Shangri-La.
38:31That's clothes for renovation.
38:34Come on.
38:36Here, Arthur, I want to thank you.
38:37What for?
38:38For all the help you're giving me, and the support.
38:40Oh, don't be daft.
38:41The least I could do.
38:42After all, we're family.
38:43Yeah, I should have realised that wouldn't be easy to see.
38:46Nostalgic's not into anything modern.
38:49Yeah, hold up.
38:50What?
38:50Nostalgic.
38:51I bet I know where he is.
38:52What?
39:24This is more like it.
39:26Melodic tunes.
39:27Jive and jitterbug.
39:29Jive on what?
39:30No, you might.
39:31Bring back Deanna Derby.
39:35Yeah, no, no, they're not here, Ray.
39:37I think you might need glasses, Arthur.
39:39You're staring straight at them.
39:42Ray, Ray.
39:44Let reasoned discussion be your guiding light.
39:48All right, Arthur.
40:02I think you're a natural.
40:04It's exhausting, though, isn't it?
40:06I think I'd better get another bottle of champagne.
40:07Oh, lovely.
40:16Well, this is nice, ain't it?
40:17Very tasty.
40:18What sort of mug do you take me for, eh?
40:20As soon as me back this turn, you're running all over town with a nutter calling a time warf.
40:24I am not your property, Ray, men, say me.
40:26You do not own me.
40:27How dare you?
40:28How dare you come busting in here with your chauvinistic hands while you can just take it somewhere else?
40:33Don't worry, I'll...
40:34You call this reasoned discussion, do you?
40:36Now, calm down, the pair of you.
40:37Ray, you are well out of order.
40:38Donna, you've been entrusted into my care by your father, so be quiet.
40:42You're obviously the ringleader here.
40:44What?
40:44Your bard.
40:45Bard?
40:45Coming here with the imperial clothes of the 1940s.
40:48Oh, dear.
40:48Doesn't give you the right to throw your weight away.
40:50Out.
40:50Well, you're just leaving anyway.
40:51Come on, out you go.
40:52A pair of you.
40:53Go on.
40:53Out.
40:58Ray, you will go back to your flat.
41:00You've done enough for one night.
41:01What about Donna?
41:02Well, as you...
41:03Let the lady through.
41:04As you know, Donna's father has asked me to look after her.
41:06I shall fulfil that obligation.
41:08No expense will be spared.
41:09Come on.
41:17And your bard as well.
41:21Well, it's not like Ray to go around wrecking night...
41:24Clubs.
41:25Clubs, yeah.
41:29What got into him, Arthur?
41:31Cherchez Lafamme.
41:33Well, he should stick to lager.
41:35I fully concur.
41:36He's at home now, sleeping it off.
41:38Look, I've got Donna outside.
41:40If you could give her a bed for the night, I could pick her up in the morning.
41:45Oh, we're very grateful to you, Arthur.
41:47I don't know what we'd do without you.
41:48Think nothing of it.
41:49After all, we're...
41:50Family.
41:54Oh, Donna, I'm sorry about last night.
41:56No, let me explain.
41:56No, Ray, really.
41:57There's no need.
41:58Let's just forget about it, eh?
42:00What about us?
42:03Us is over, Ray.
42:05Now, can we just get these birds liberated, then I can get back up north?
42:10Arthur.
42:10Let's just get these birds liberated so she can get back up north.
42:18What's me dad's pigeon doing out at the basket?
42:20It was sitting on the top.
42:23Ah, yeah, well, you see, this basket's been humped all over London while I've been looking
42:27for you two.
42:28I suspect the stream broke.
42:29Still, no harm done, eh?
42:31No, but there's another strange pigeon in the basket.
42:33Oh, oh, well, yeah, well, that's obvious, you see.
42:35If one can get out, one can get in.
42:38Look, you forget this little hiccup, and I'll have amnesia if your father wants to know
42:42what you've been up to while you've been down here.
42:45Oh, all right.
42:51Let's just get this race underway.
42:53Here, one thing.
42:54I am not climbing any more hills.
42:57Raymond?
42:58Basket.
43:01Basket.
43:08Mind your head.
43:09Yeah, mind your head.
43:12Oh.
43:24So what about the third bird?
43:26Well, I suppose he likes some exercise.
43:27We'll liberate him and all.
43:29All right.
43:31Right, are you ready?
43:32Yep.
43:33Right, three, two, one, go.
43:39Go on, boys, help you go.
43:42There they go.
43:42There they go.
43:48Oh, he's still here.
43:50Can you catch him?
43:50Yeah, I've got him.
43:52Well done.
43:53Might as well give him a flyer now, eh?
43:54Yeah, go on.
43:56Oh.
44:07Must be something he had.
44:11Yeah, well, I don't mind telling you, Arthur, I'm put out.
44:14Very put out.
44:15You asked me to do you a favor.
44:18Look after this Donny, you said.
44:19Show her a good time, you said.
44:21Take her out and about.
44:22Next thing I know, I'm barred from my favorite club because Ray has had a rut with her.
44:27Yeah, he's a very excitable lad.
44:29Nostalgic.
44:30I'll have a word with him.
44:31Take my advice.
44:31Forget it.
44:33I wouldn't even broach, no matter if I were you.
44:35Nah.
44:37All right, then.
44:38But the next time he's got a girlfriend that needs taking care of, leave me out.
44:43Right.
44:46Well, thanks for the records, Arthur.
44:49I'll be in touch.
44:50See you, Nostalgia.
44:57I know what you're thinking, Dave, and you're wrong.
45:01Oh, yeah.
45:02Yes.
45:03My actions were governed at all times by what was best for Ray.
45:08And I am Queen Marie of Romania.
45:20Oh, come on, my little beauty.
45:26Come on.
45:27Come on.
45:34He did?
45:36Well done.
45:38Congratulations, Billy.
45:41Yeah.
45:42Hey, listen, Billy, be sure and get my winnings off Honest Dan Sorrell.
45:47All right?
45:49Nice one, Billy.
45:50I'll catch you later.
45:51Tell her.
45:55Well, I think a big one's in order, Dave.
45:58Yeah, I'll have the same, Dave.
46:01You, uh, see her off, all right?
46:04Yeah.
46:06You're off for about my job.
46:08I won't be going up north now.
46:11No, I suppose you won't.
46:14I'll tell you what, Ray.
46:16Let's forget all about it.
46:18I mean, you've got them dresses to deliver to Morrie,
46:19that car to a potential punter.
46:21Life's too short.
46:22Let's move forwards together.
46:24Oh, thanks, Arthur.
46:25What would I do without you?
46:27I think nothing of it, Ray.
46:28After all, we'll...
46:29Arthur.
46:30If you're going to say family,
46:33so help me, aren't you?
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