- 17 hours ago
First broadcast 1st February 1984.
Arthur's latest money-making scheme, in partnership with veteran con artist J.J. Mooney, involves a race tipping scam with an imaginary office.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
T.P. McKenna - J.J.Mooney
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Shaun Curry - Sprott
Jumoke Debayo - Petal
Timothy Bateson - Railwayman
Rosalind Lloyd - Fenella
Royce Mills - Andrew
Vinny Mann - Tony (as Vivian Mann)
Russell Wootton - Tax Inspector (as Russel Wootton)
Hugh Futcher - Mo
Caroline Gruber - Nurse
David Janes - Ernie Grahame
Angela Wynter - Sylvia
Lee Walker - Printer
Alan Thompson - Video Man
Alan Chuntz - Punter in betting shop
Barry Philips - Client One
Chuck Julian - Client Two
Richard Wilding - Car Driver
Stephen Fitzalan - Doctor
Leroy Golding - Betting Shop Punter
John Maloney - Betting Shop Punter
Arthur's latest money-making scheme, in partnership with veteran con artist J.J. Mooney, involves a race tipping scam with an imaginary office.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
T.P. McKenna - J.J.Mooney
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Shaun Curry - Sprott
Jumoke Debayo - Petal
Timothy Bateson - Railwayman
Rosalind Lloyd - Fenella
Royce Mills - Andrew
Vinny Mann - Tony (as Vivian Mann)
Russell Wootton - Tax Inspector (as Russel Wootton)
Hugh Futcher - Mo
Caroline Gruber - Nurse
David Janes - Ernie Grahame
Angela Wynter - Sylvia
Lee Walker - Printer
Alan Thompson - Video Man
Alan Chuntz - Punter in betting shop
Barry Philips - Client One
Chuck Julian - Client Two
Richard Wilding - Car Driver
Stephen Fitzalan - Doctor
Leroy Golding - Betting Shop Punter
John Maloney - Betting Shop Punter
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00excuse me sir i was wondering i've got i've got to get a hospital and there aren't any buses
00:14i'm not going that way anyone here that's okay i'm no no i'm sorry i'm busy a soldier of the
00:20queen get a bloody bus thank you sir excuse me sir and the same to you friend
00:34have you got a second sir i've got to get a hospital i was wondering if you could jump in pal
00:40it terry oh thanks oh are you serious about the hospital i'm working for god's sake yeah i'm sorry
00:55about that so that's your game is it you catch a lift and then uh put the bite on her mate well
01:06it's a living terry a living you spill a yarn you've got to say four minutes to make them feel guilty
01:12that they've got an expensive motor and a man like myself hasn't even got a bus fare it's a nag it's
01:17flare the hospital that always gets them mind you some of them like to hear that you've just come
01:25out of prison strange isn't five or ten or sometimes jay jay mooney oh how are the mighty fallen
01:37i used to tell stories about you you know i mean people couldn't believe what you did
01:43i heard you were ill yes that was a good one uh would you put up with the first uh betting
01:51shop telly please would you put a bet on for me you know we know the car's hard work
01:58on the nose in this friend four o'clock newbury here we go in one plowman's lunch we haven't had a
02:07flower in here for a week or two and here is a campari soda it's very agricultural it's my accountant
02:14give him a bit of pickle yeah yeah you know after that would be like five p extra oh forget it
02:21oh well i've served you now hey he'll tell you all about sawing overheads
02:25on the account arthur
02:29expenses expenses
02:31overheads under ends on top of everything else they want taxes yeah well you haven't paid tax
02:36for five years arthur what i fancy today was a nice chinese meal this is a business meeting
02:43andrew well did they eat businessmen look they are after you arthur us no you want their pound of
02:53flesh eh i think they'd be quite happy to have two ounces of cheddar cheese i have five years arthur
02:59and you have not paid a tosharoon tosharoon where'd you get these words andrew
03:04what is it with me all my clients are the same well you're mixed with the wrong people and don't i
03:09know it oh you see they don't hold with the system that's what it is and it's getting worse
03:15they don't pay anyone incidentally there's your last year's bill you may have mislaid it arthur
03:22oh well the man from the inland revenue wants to know about your expensive motor i explained that
03:34to you i know i know but maybe you could explain it better to him so give him the verbal man to man
03:43but that is what i'll pay you for pay i'm sorry did i hear the word pay money that's funny and
03:49andrew i went out with stanley matthews and long shorts eat up the pickle was extra is arthur still
03:57game for a lark well you're kind of luck well i can't go around as much now i need a partner
04:04you know someone who's straight honest hard-working lawyer all those old-fashioned values we are talking
04:10about arthur daly aren't we yes indeed a good man eh well yeah he's good as gold off
04:19silver and linda's friend these are ahead of pearly eyes and marmalade cap back in fourth place
04:24it's silkjiffen on the far side linda's friend at the hoop jacket on the near side these are ahead of
04:28pearly eyes in third well inside the final furlong now so being strongly challenged by linda's friend
04:33on the near side just getting on he's done it linda's friends the winner got a winner jj i don't care how
04:38many winners you get not you and me in business together you are famous famous for pulling more
04:43strokes and oxford and cambridge put together you don't understand it arthur that's another thing
04:49i don't you do listen we put an ad in the sporting life we get a little office with a good postal
04:56address we get three telephones now we don't ask for money we don't what no fees from the clients
05:02they phone us we give them a horse all we ask is this if you bet put on 10 pounds for us and if it
05:08wins please send a check or postal order this address that's our commission they've got to be
05:15balmy don't you believe in trust arthur oh the commercial world is based on trust don't you realize
05:22that that's the system you pay your debts you work for a factory they give you your wages at the end
05:27of the week trust see you in the pools they give you money that's trust rent that's trust
05:33well there are a few transgressors like ourselves that's why they have laws yeah and we'll be
05:39breaking all of them not at all we are selling an advisory service we are consultants it's quite legal
05:48i'll even put up all the money myself you what and it's my shot
05:54you you you you you put up all the dough yes what was the sp terry six to one good in that
06:02case i think we'll broach a bottle and more what my pleasure jj but it is 17 pound a bottle
06:07why not look let me get this straight you heard arthur you heard uh could you cash me a wee check
06:18three glasses and one for yourself dave um well are we in or out arthur uh well um you'll be needing
06:24some walking around money won't you yeah how about um 300 on account i'm investing in your energy
06:32and acumen arthur as it happens jj you're a very good judge look at that falsest hands in the west
06:38well here's to a fruitful partnership good luck
07:02well here's to a successful business venture arthur it's a privilege to work with a man
07:20well here are we the lucky ones eh birthday rebate from the rates have your usual half a bit
07:29though will you mr chisholm yeah just the line of duty i'll have a scotch
07:35i just see young terry with a remarkable jj mooney
07:38no idea why is it crime you never know he's just turned over the london clinic for 13 grand
07:47hey open heart surgery that's two and a half grand for the grand hotel in brighton for his
07:52convalescence got some style isn't it london clinic hey liz taylor had her operation there knows that
07:59richard burton the sheik of araby and uncle tom cobley and all well you'll be able to get him in about
08:0410 years time when they change his batteries on his pacemaker they'll get him you never heard of
08:10sprot of the yard no sprot's life ambition was to nick jj until he got nicked himself by our own
08:18gestapo somebody else will get jj is that the best you people can do a sick man bank robberies every
08:26day bomb outrages with terrorists rape rife on the streets oh dear arthur haven't been interfered with
08:32have you oh very droll jj was an hero during the war highly educated one of the best one of nature's
08:39gentlemen pure gold that's enough arthur cool dear do you owe him money or something me no i hardly even know
08:47a man
09:02i always knew you were a top but how'd you get away with it it's experience and a little bit of
09:08flair nerve terry you have to believe in it it's like insanity who do you want to be a lord of the
09:15realm an international financier a well-known theatrical impresarial and be that person split
09:21personality a dozen personalities see you tomorrow telly yeah cheers
09:34so
09:36so
09:40so
09:42so
09:44so
09:46so
09:48so
09:50so
09:52so
09:54so
09:56so
10:06so
10:10so
10:12so
10:14so
10:16so
10:18so
10:20so
10:22so
10:36so
10:38yeah all right hang on have you got anything for me today mate yeah four parcels nothing for you chief
10:43harry harry harry take care of that
10:45harry harry take care of that
10:49sorry darling
10:51great great great
10:53the thing is i need an address yeah all right help
10:55and the point is i need it immediately
10:57excuse me mate are you there
10:59er
11:01the point is what are you in ernie
11:03oriental carpets
11:05get the cheque then i buy the carpet from a fella no overhead see
11:07got anything for british medallions
11:09no nothing
11:11no nothing
11:13the thing is i need your address you know be 1984 medallions
11:15yeah royal's great that was okay but literally things forget it
11:19well i don't know ricky there
11:20hello
11:21what are you on offer
11:22consultancy
11:23can't go wrong mate we didn't consultancy
11:25villa's in mod bella
11:27had a spanish wager on the firm
11:29oh yeah mayfair course consultants very nice you can walk from mayfair to here
11:33oi you
11:35oi ass don't catch all right
11:37hang up on bay
11:38sorry yeah i'm sorry too nothing
11:40now look it's fifty lid for a week a long and for three weeks
11:42yeah well this is an unestablished firm
11:44we could go on for a long time
11:45all right fair enough
11:46hello look i've only got a letter for you from customs and excise
11:50yeah well it's not my bloody fault is it
11:52what
11:53he hung up
11:54yeah all right then look if we're in business in six weeks we'll have another chat
11:57fair enough
11:58anything mo
11:59what is it caledonian forest
12:00no that was last month a forest in snowdonia limited now
12:03oh yeah here we are five be lucky
12:05thanks mo
12:06now we in business or not
12:08now look we expect the first load in about four days
12:10okay you'll have your name on the door
12:12yeah well you'll need a bigger door won't you
12:13where is it love
12:14you what
12:16well you're a bona fide business
12:18what would my accountant think
12:19all right you give me your full name and address and number
12:22just in case someone wants to find you
12:24if we don't trust each other
12:25where are we
12:26mo isn't it
12:27yeah my very own sentiments
12:29arthur
12:30that is the name
12:31that's right
12:32mo
12:33here mo this is mine
12:34you what
12:35do it yourself be your own racing tipster
12:36he'll try anything won't he arthur
12:38now come on mo where's my four parcels
12:40you're standing on it
12:41good morning
12:42that letter heading's all right
12:43isn't it
12:44hmm not bad eh
12:46west one
12:48it's the wrong side of oxford street but who cares
12:51now who are all these directors
12:53guy ernest mbe
12:55that's me
12:56i've used that name before
12:58lucas herman
12:59just a fella
13:01and sir john franklin
13:03he's a boozer
13:04or more to the point
13:05it is a boozer
13:06it's a pub in the east india dock road
13:08they'll have a title in this country
13:10particularly the racing fraternity
13:12yeah well where's sir arthur
13:14looking for telephones
13:33well don't it work
13:44yeah yeah
13:45lovely
13:51was it broken then
13:52no no no
13:53okay
13:54only uh i like to keep the hooligans out
13:56oh yeah
13:57man after me own heart
13:58er you you're the governor yeah
14:00yes i am in charge here
14:02credit to british rail if i may say so
14:03yeah
14:10is anyone all right
14:11good as gold
14:12hmm
14:13you don't mind my asking but er
14:14are you from the gpo
14:15er no no not exactly
14:16but i am what you might call a telecom expert
14:19um if you know what i mean
14:21oh yeah yeah
14:22you er you don't happen to have the odd 10p on you do you
14:25oh yes
14:26yes sir
14:27right
14:28here
14:29oh
14:30that's all right i'll get that
14:37daily enterprises
14:38terry
14:42it's old jj there i've got some good news for him
14:45hello rafa
14:47hello jj we've cracked it
14:49i've found an office with three phones
14:52good innit
14:56oh er not too near the head sir
14:58no no
15:00nice station
15:01yeah it's er it's like being in the country
15:03yeah
15:04not much traffic
15:05oh i don't know you'd be surprised
15:07i mean the er 410 to broad street
15:10due in five and a half minutes
15:11oh nice
15:12i'd like to see that
15:13you know what i meant was it's not exactly waterloo
15:15no
15:16i used to work there
15:17oh yeah
15:18still this place suits me for now
15:20plenty of bunts
15:21eh
15:22well you know fringe benefits
15:24i mean apart from the odd excursion to broad street
15:26oh well we er we got a nice darts league
15:28oh a bit of a sportsman eh
15:30well as i'm sure you realise i'm the er area manager for one of the big multinationals
15:35really
15:36yeah yeah and i'm always dashing all over the place you know
15:39and my sales staff find it very difficult to get hold of me sometimes
15:43three public telephones and er they'd be able to get hold of me
15:46what can i do though
15:48well if you was to put some stickers on the kiosks saying out of order
15:53for say between 11am and 2pm
15:57and keep an eye out for any vandals
15:59i mean you would not only be helping your country and me
16:02but also yourself
16:03well i'm not altogether sure that
16:05well you're not thinking for one moment it's illegal are you
16:07i mean would i suggest that
16:08well i don't know
16:09no no no of course not
16:10no no i talked to our legal department and they said no sweat
16:14and i mean it's got to be more interesting than watching
16:16jimmy savile grinning out the window every time a train goes through innit
16:20oh yeah
16:21yeah well why do you need three phones
16:24new york
16:25chicago
16:26eh
16:27paris
16:28amsterdam
16:31melbourne
16:32i mean there's lots of people trying to get in touch with me
16:34contracts
16:35jobs for british workers
16:36and what am i doing
16:37i'm on a dog and bone to san francisco and a geezer from milan's getting engaged signal
16:41now if he had another number we'd be in business
16:44you see i drive from southampton to my office in mayfair and i stop here it's a perfect place key point
16:50i mean you may call this actin green i call it providence
16:56that's confidential
16:57it's got to be a wind-up innit
17:11we are selling information
17:13if you phone us on one of these telephone numbers we will give you our considered expert selections for free races
17:30for hartha
17:32i don't believe it
17:33hold up hold up it gets better look
17:36but we know what's in it
17:37when you put down your heavy wager include a ten pound bet for us that's our commission
17:43you pay only when you win we are trusting you just as you are trusting us
17:49a spirited rendition you better get down to the old vic
17:51oh bailey more likely
17:52look don't print us take an oath like doctors or something
17:55you don't answer that
17:56you are privy to very secret information
17:58don't upset yourself arthur
18:00are you a betting man sir
18:02yeah i like a pun
18:03well in that case you of all people should know that there is good information
18:06good connections good sources
18:08that's the way professionals get their living
18:10five thousand people wrote to us sir we didn't ask them to
18:14would you like a tip for tomorrow
18:16what
18:17dunlop's horse and the 330 john's an old friend of mine
18:20yeah
18:21pencho punch
18:22eleven or two they reckon
18:24obviously i can't guarantee that it'll win
18:26but would you like to give me a tenner now for the information or 55 pounds less tax
18:31after it wins
18:33it's er
18:34it's a good one is it
18:35you know this is jj not your scout or captain cohen or whatever his name is
18:40all right i'll give you a tenner
18:43take it off the bill
18:44are they ready now
18:45yeah
18:46well let's have them out of the car son
18:50then what
18:52er the next guy phones up i'll give him three other names
18:55then the next guy three other horses
18:57then i'll go back to the first horses if somebody else phones
19:01simple isn't it
19:02all the great ideas in history were simple my son
19:04were they immoral and all
19:06you couldn't even spell that
19:09there's nothing immoral about it
19:11all the national papers give their daily nap
19:13jj is using the same form book
19:15i mean you're always going on about improving yourself
19:17well this is it
19:18this is an office job
19:19receptionist come manager
19:21responsibility
19:22there you are
19:23what
19:24there it is
19:26where's the office
19:28that is it
19:30hold on do you mean i'm minding free public phones
19:33what's wrong with that
19:34you're always saying you like open air jobs
19:36i'll get nicked
19:37of course you won't get nick terrier hours
19:38look at the stickers
19:39out of order
19:40you're out of order
19:41you're out of order
19:42no no terry terry terry
19:43the railway man is on the firm
19:45look there he is now
19:46simple working class hero
19:48one of the lance corporals of life
19:50salt of the earth
19:52oh you can't pick and catcher
19:55well i see you
19:56now hold on hold on look
19:57can't you at least take the first call
19:59oh would i could terry
20:00but i have got to go and meet the inspector of taxes
20:02eh
20:03yeah i've got to go home and change in my inland revenue set
20:05you see you don't have all these troubles
20:07you are a free spirit
20:08i am the one who has to fend off all these busybodies
20:10marshal the ranks of officialdom
20:11oh right
20:12oh right
20:13so that you and me can get a decent trust
20:15hey terry
20:17when you have a moment clean them out will you
20:20they have a half pen and ink
20:21what's happened everything out of order
20:32um
20:34why do you want to phone someone
20:36not really
20:38oh
20:41that might be for me
20:45no it's probably for me
20:46well my man phones me every week
20:48it's the nightclub
20:49at nairobi's hilton
20:50that's why he's got access to the phone
20:51well i'll just check it all right dear
20:53all right
20:55hello
20:58mayfair calls consultants
21:00uh
21:10i don't want to look too flesh
21:12eh
21:13you're not going to cry are you
21:15no of course not
21:17i'm not after sympathy andrew
21:19i'm after money
21:20a little limp
21:21perhaps
21:23for you
21:24thanks
21:33hello
21:36mayfair calls consultants
21:38Yeah, can I have your club number, please?
21:41Yes, we have three selections today, yes.
21:44The first one we have great hopes for...
21:46Hello?
21:47Pardon?
21:48James MacArthur?
21:49No, no, no, no.
21:50Great hopes isn't the name.
21:51No, the name's Flying Duck.
21:53Oh, no.
21:54Hold on.
21:55Kempton, three o'clock, Flying Duck.
21:57Excellent.
21:58Yeah, Flying Duck, Kempton, three o'clock.
22:00Who wants the selections?
22:01Right?
22:02Selections.
22:03Could you hang on one moment, please, sir?
22:08Look.
22:09Tell him that name, that name, and that name, right?
22:12Right.
22:13Oi, oi.
22:14Excuse me.
22:15Get his club number.
22:16Club number.
22:17Hello, sir.
22:18Sorry about that.
22:19Yes, got it.
22:20A clerical mishap.
22:21Where were we now?
22:22Alconberry.
22:23Mm-hm.
22:24Yes.
22:25Buckworth Lad.
22:26I have got a company, but in name only.
22:29I mean, it's not active.
22:30It's just a sentimental thing, you know?
22:32I mean, when this great country gets back on its feet, I'll be ready.
22:36No, no, no.
22:37Nowadays, I'm more or less semi-retired, sir.
22:39But you've got some company assets.
22:41For example, a Jaguar car.
22:44Oh, no, no, that's not mine.
22:46Oh, no, you've got all that wrong.
22:48That's my uncle's.
22:49That's an old man's folly, I'm afraid.
22:51I said to him, I said, Uncle Sid, I mean, what do you want with a car like this?
22:56I mean, you've been old age pension and everything.
22:59And do you know what he said?
23:00He said, Arthur, you use it, because you've got no wheels of your own.
23:05Isn't that nice?
23:06No, no, I just keep it for him, you know.
23:09But you do use the car for work?
23:11Sorry?
23:12Work.
23:13Me?
23:14A man of my age?
23:15No, no.
23:16No, they don't want mature, experienced men.
23:19No.
23:20No, I just use it to take the old folk down to the Derby and Joan club.
23:24And people who have to go to hospital.
23:27Oh, elections.
23:28Oh, no favours.
23:29I don't care who they vote for.
23:31If some old loony are, I'll take them down a polling station.
23:34Yeah, I'm into charity and good deeds, you know.
23:38Excuse me, could you tell me the right time?
23:41Quarter to eleven.
23:43My lovely kettle.
23:44You have a watch.
23:46Wish I could have a simple watch.
23:49I suppose nowadays that would be unnecessary extravagance nowadays, wouldn't it?
23:54Perhaps you'd find one in your lock-up.
23:56My lock-up?
23:58Is that what this interrogation's all about?
24:00Just an interview.
24:01I don't care what you call it.
24:03Didn't you tell the man about my lock-up?
24:06Well, odds and ends, I said.
24:09And my hobbies?
24:10What hobbies?
24:12Making things.
24:14Oh, those things.
24:17What things?
24:18Wooden things.
24:19Toys, mostly.
24:20You know, toys for deprived kiddies.
24:25Hello?
24:26Mayfair Calls Consultants?
24:28Yes.
24:29Mayfair Calls Consultants?
24:31Yes, yes.
24:32Yes, it is.
24:33Through what?
24:34I've got three for you.
24:35No, son.
24:36You've got them.
24:37Magic Mark.
24:38Hang on.
24:39Yes.
24:40Have you got that down?
24:41Just wait.
24:42Alcumbray.
24:43Have you got that down?
24:44It's him.
24:45Oh, tell him to hang on a minute.
24:47Jones Boy.
24:48You got that?
24:49Jones Boy.
24:50Can you hang on a minute?
24:51What's your number?
24:52Can I ask you how you get by?
24:54What with food, rent, clothes, the occasional drink?
24:57A question I ask myself, sir.
24:59Many times.
25:00Bingo, I suppose.
25:01Bingo.
25:02Well, it's all down to her indoors.
25:04She manages wonderfully.
25:05Little metro, two children at a private school.
25:08I know.
25:09It's incredible, isn't it?
25:10I do not know how she does it.
25:11She is an incredible woman.
25:14Between you and me, I think she's got a few pennies in the post office.
25:19I suppose she has, Mr. Daly.
25:26Oi.
25:29What's occurring?
25:30Well, as far as I can make out, there's a load of midgets trying to kill themselves on
25:35little bicycles.
25:36No, I mean, what's occurring with these phones?
25:39Was a lady making a phone call?
25:41Yeah.
25:42Well, we live around here.
25:44That's nice.
25:45Yeah, but you don't live around here.
25:47So?
25:48No.
25:49Well, we live around here.
25:50You just said that.
25:51I'm just saying, ain't I?
25:52Terrific.
25:56Gonna be here tomorrow?
25:57What's it to you?
25:59Well, because sometimes we have to use these phones.
26:02Well, you save up.
26:03When you've got 10p, it's all yours.
26:14All right?
26:15Oh, well, I am deeply impressed.
26:17I'll tell you one thing, Arthur.
26:18They are after you now.
26:20A tax ban is not like a clever dick.
26:22And that's what you are.
26:23What can I do?
26:25Well, who knows?
26:26But they got Al Capone on tax, you know?
26:28And look what happened to him.
26:30Well, that's it.
26:31Two o'clock, the office is closed.
26:32Ah.
26:33Listen, my name's Terry.
26:34Petal.
26:35Petal.
26:36Nice one.
26:37Listen, thanks for all this.
26:38Terrific.
26:39You think we've earned a drink, don't you?
26:40Absolutely, Terry.
26:41Sure.
26:42Can I pop into the betting shop?
26:43Oh, you sure, Petal.
26:44OK.
26:45Oh, no.
26:46You don't get a happen.
26:48OK.
26:49Go ahead, mate.
26:50Get off.
26:51Get off.
26:52Get off your left.
26:53Get off.
26:57Get off.
26:58Get off.
26:59Get off.
27:006 to 1, number 14.
27:023 to 1, number 1, action sign.
27:045 to 1, number 8, Crown Eagle.
27:08Same price, 5 to 1, 22, Hatter.
27:128 to 1, number 5, bespoke.
27:16Had a winner then, Arthur?
27:18I'm always on a winner, my son.
27:2012 to 1 bar.
27:24Oh dear, I'm ever so sorry.
27:26Oh, is this serious?
27:30Have we got a result or haven't we?
27:32Yeah, of course. I'll see you tomorrow then.
27:34Yeah, all right. Sorry. Ta-ra.
27:36I'll have a large one.
27:38Have you seen it? What?
27:40Three winners. We've done it.
27:42What I'm worried about now is can we expect the right amounts from Rapunters?
27:44I mean, will they send their fees?
27:46Listen, I've just had a telephone.
27:47You've got to remember, there's a lot of dishonesty about these days.
27:49How many calls did you take?
27:51Oh, about 300, but that...
27:52You're nervous. That is incredible.
27:53I mean, if one in three puts a bet on,
27:55and the starting prices were all right,
27:57Magic Mark was 9 to 2, that's 40 quid for us.
27:59Do you listen to me a minute?
28:00I have my doubts about whether they'll send the money.
28:02Old JJ reckons they will.
28:04Oh, you've thought about poor old JJ at last, have you?
28:07What do you mean?
28:08He's ill.
28:09I know he's ill. He's got a dicky ticker.
28:12But he's in the hospital. Intensive care.
28:15Oh, my God.
28:17Yeah.
28:18Terry.
28:19Who's going to pick the selections?
28:23God.
28:24Bennett, you are a little charmer, you, aren't you?
28:26I mean, an old mate of yours is just about to snuff it,
28:28and all you can think about is money.
28:30Well, that is important, isn't it?
28:32I mean, probably just a false alarm.
28:34Yeah, but you don't know that, do you?
28:36Well, pay the man.
28:38I've had a nasty turn. You know how illness affects me.
28:40Would you like an aspirin?
28:42No, no, I'll be all right, Dave, thanks.
28:45When did you find out about this?
28:47That was his daughter on the phone.
28:48Said I'd see her tomorrow morning.
28:50Can he sit up?
28:51No, I don't know.
28:52Well, then, can he read?
28:54He could be in an oxygen tent, for all I know.
28:57Well, in that case, you could slip him a sporting life, couldn't you?
29:00Haven't you got any feelings?
29:02Yes, I have.
29:03I can be a very sensitive person when I want to, Terrence.
29:06I should have known.
29:08I should never have trusted him from the off.
29:18Can I help you?
29:20Yeah, have you got on Mr Mooney?
29:22No.
29:23Mooney, no, there's nobody of that name.
29:26This is Ward M6, innit?
29:27That's right.
29:28Well, he came in yesterday.
29:30About my eye, a lot of grey hair and he speaks with a sort of posh Irish accent.
29:33Oh, you mean Sir Alfred?
29:35Sir Alfred?
29:37Sir Alfred Smythe.
29:39That's with an E at the end.
29:41Ah.
29:42Yeah, that's got to be him, then.
29:44Well, don't you know?
29:45No, no.
29:46Well, it is him.
29:47Yeah, Sir Alfred.
29:48He usually uses a different name, you see, when he's incognito.
29:51Mooney, that's his butler's name, really.
29:53He's a bit eccentric.
29:55Visiting hours are between two and eight.
29:57Oh, well...
29:58Oh, well...
29:59Well, I'll find out.
30:07I suppose you're Terry?
30:08Yeah, that's right.
30:09You Fenella?
30:10Yeah, shall we?
30:11Go this way.
30:12I believe these are your daily selections.
30:13Oh, yeah.
30:14I trust you won't sell them in the hospital.
30:15Well, hold on.
30:16It's not my idea, you know.
30:17How is he?
30:18He's ill.
30:19Well, can I see him?
30:20No.
30:21I don't want you to bother him.
30:22I wasn't going to bother him.
30:23I wasn't going to bother him.
30:24We're friends, right?
30:25He's sleeping, anyway.
30:26Oh.
30:27Oh, look, I've got this one.
30:28This is a bit of fruit and that.
30:29Is there anything else he needs?
30:30No, he's OK.
30:31I'm sorry, Terry.
30:32Buy me a cup of coffee, if you like.
30:33Here.
30:34Oh, nurse, nurse.
30:35Sorry, um...
30:36Do you think you could give them to Mr Mooney?
30:37Sir Alfred.
30:38I'm sorry.
30:39I'm sorry.
30:40I'm sorry, Terry.
30:41Buy me a cup of coffee, if you like.
30:42Here.
30:43Oh, nurse, nurse.
30:44Sorry, um...
30:45Do you think you could give them to Mr Mooney?
30:46Sir Alfred.
30:47I'm sure it's a smashing hospital.
30:48But, I mean, JJ needs a bit of luxury, doesn't he?
30:49I mean, the London clinic.
30:50That was pathetic.
30:51You were impressed, I suppose.
30:52Well, yeah.
30:53What about the Dorchester, eh?
30:54I mean, that took some doom.
30:55He even cons himself.
30:56Do you know where he was living?
30:57Huh?
30:58Hostel for single men.
30:59Two pounds a night.
31:00The humiliation was beyond him.
31:01No.
31:02No.
31:03No.
31:04No.
31:05No.
31:06No.
31:07No.
31:08No.
31:09No.
31:10No.
31:11No.
31:12No.
31:13No.
31:14No.
31:15No.
31:16No.
31:17No.
31:18No.
31:19No.
31:20No.
31:21No.
31:22No.
31:23No.
31:24No.
31:25No.
31:26No.
31:27No.
31:28No.
31:29No.
31:30No.
31:31No.
31:32No.
31:33No.
31:34No.
31:35No.
31:36No.
31:37No.
31:38No.
31:39No.
31:40No.
31:41No.
31:42No.
31:43No.
31:44No.
31:45No.
31:46A dozen schools.
31:49Don't you know the story of my education?
31:51No, no.
31:52This is a good one for your cronies in the Winchester Club.
31:55You see, J.J. wanted me to be a success.
31:58So I went to Benedin with Princess Anne for a couple of terms.
32:02Then there was a term at Rodine, and then to Millfield.
32:06I didn't know at the time why.
32:08It was because J.J. couldn't pay the bills.
32:13He was always changing my name.
32:16Half the crowned heads of Europe were relatives of mine.
32:19Off to Switzerland, then a year in Paris.
32:22By the time I was 18, I was highly educated
32:25and on the most wanted list in four countries.
32:28Oh, don't believe it.
32:30No, on the other hand, I do believe it, I suppose.
32:32Of course you do.
32:34Yes, I suppose I do owe him a lot.
32:36Yeah, but what about Rodine and all the others, eh?
32:38Well, the thing is, he actually had the money.
32:41He just wanted to break the rules.
32:43Life's a laugh, that's his view.
32:45Yeah.
32:46What's he going to do when he grows up?
32:48The point is, what's he going to do when he leaves here?
32:51He's a very independent man.
32:53He won't come to my house.
32:55Apart from that, my husband doesn't like him.
32:57Maybe he doesn't trust him.
32:58You can understand that, can't you?
33:01Now, he's not amused by J.J.'s stories.
33:03He's a merchant banker.
33:04I thought that was rhyming slang.
33:07I'll ignore that.
33:10Now, I don't know what's going to happen to J.J.
33:11I said that to him last night.
33:13He said, no, don't worry about it, that's fine.
33:15If I'm ready to go, I'll con my way into heaven.
33:17And then he smiled to me and said, do they take credit cards, do you think?
33:24No.
33:25Does he owe you any money?
33:27No, no.
33:28Do you owe him any money?
33:30No.
33:30There's something wrong there.
33:41How are you, pal?
33:42Hello, Terry.
33:43This is Sylvia, a good telephone operator.
33:47And I was a receptionist as well.
33:49Well, you didn't think so.
33:50Nice to meet you.
33:51Just in case we get too busy.
33:53Got the nap selections?
33:55Yeah, the only thing is, they might be the last ones we have.
33:57Oh.
33:58Did you see him?
34:00Yeah.
34:00Good, good.
34:01I thought you might ask how he was.
34:03Yeah, I was just going to.
34:04What's going on?
34:05These are your new employees.
34:08Eh?
34:08Yep.
34:09Couldn't have done a thing without Petal there.
34:10You're not talking about wages, are you?
34:12Yes, I am talking about wages.
34:13But no stamps.
34:14But I haven't had a penny yet.
34:16It's your problem, isn't it?
34:17Well, I didn't ask you to sub the work out.
34:18You understand, don't you, Flower?
34:20Oh, Petal.
34:20Of course she is.
34:21A cockle.
34:22Eh?
34:22Cockle.
34:22For a few minutes' work, four hours she was in there.
34:25Yeah, but I mean a tenner.
34:26I'm known as a generous governor, but...
34:27Don't listen to him.
34:28I'm happy now.
34:29Don't push you on, my dear.
34:30Here you are.
34:30Look, you stick that in your sparring.
34:32Don't do it.
34:32You're a nice blue one, my dear.
34:33Oh, well...
34:34You're going to be sorry about this.
34:35What about Sylvia?
34:36Hey, hey, hey, can't you read?
34:37Out of order.
34:38Yeah, you're out of order and all.
34:39Cheeky beggar.
34:40Well, that'll be him.
34:43Oi!
34:44Has he got a licence for that?
34:46Come on, Cherry, get them out.
34:47How?
34:47How?
34:48With violence, that's how.
34:49Kick them up the arse.
34:50No, no, hold on.
34:51If they've got ten pence, they're in business, aren't they?
34:53Oh, this is charming, isn't it?
34:54What is this, betrayal?
34:55I leave you minding three telephone boxes,
34:57and here I am being threatened by Bugsy Malone and his mob.
35:00We live round here.
35:01Oh, yeah, he lives round here.
35:01Oh, he lives round here.
35:02Yeah, he told me that yesterday.
35:03Yeah.
35:03Oi, mister, do you realise that these are the only telephone boxes
35:06in a metropolitan area that ain't been vandalised?
35:09That's it, right.
35:10Oh.
35:10Well, they're like gold dust in your game.
35:12What game?
35:13Well, I don't know.
35:15It's got to be a bit iffy, though, ain't it?
35:16A bit iffy, though, ain't it?
35:18Hey, what are they...
35:19All right, sunshine.
35:21Now, you've had a good time with the phones.
35:22If anybody hurts those cars, your head's coming off.
35:25Got it?
35:26Oi, you lot.
35:27Leave it out.
35:28It's just a joke.
35:29Now, listen, son.
35:32What is it?
35:33Sorry, pal.
35:34Wrong number.
35:35It's going to be a lot, right?
35:39You're the head man, are you?
35:40What's his name?
35:41This is Tony.
35:42Can I call you Tony?
35:43Of course you can.
35:44Here, excuse me, Rat.
35:45Here, over here, Tony.
35:46See, look, what we've got...
35:47Sit down.
35:48We've got a rupture of communications.
35:50See, you've come here, team-handed,
35:52terrorising the law-abiding ratepayers,
35:54utilising the property of the GPO, stroke British Telecom,
35:57to wit, one public dog and bone,
35:59and demanding ransom, blackmail and or protection money.
36:02Is that right?
36:03Well, yeah.
36:03Well, I'm not going to dwell on the ambiguous morality of the situation,
36:07but, er, how much?
36:10A tonne.
36:11Oh, the kid's a mug.
36:13You run a twist tone.
36:14Don't you read the Financial Times no more?
36:17Recession is rampant in the Western world.
36:19We're all having to scrimp and scrape,
36:21and yet you want hundred notes
36:22for sheer exploitation and out of want on greed.
36:26Well, 50, then.
36:27Oh, the kid's no mug.
36:28I'll give you 10, and I'm being generous.
36:30Oh, leave it out.
36:31Look, 40.
36:31I said 10.
36:32It's a chance.
36:3430?
36:35You're being a fool to yourself.
36:3625?
36:37Oh, a pony's nearer.
36:38Make it 20 and we touch hands.
36:42Yeah, done.
36:43No, kids, no mug.
36:44Will you take the check?
36:45No chance.
36:45No, no, just testing, Tone, just testing.
36:47There you are.
36:48And make sure you're counted,
36:49because it's not all there.
36:51I owe you nine.
36:52I'm going to the bank now,
36:53and I will come right back, okay?
36:57No, two, T-O, right?
37:00Hello, Arthur.
37:01You've had a result, haven't you?
37:03How do you know?
37:04I've seen your pile of correspondence.
37:05Very handsome.
37:06Mm.
37:07Be lucky.
37:07Who's a clever fellow, right?
37:12Don't you worry about me, my friend.
37:14Honest endeavour, enterprise.
37:16The price is right, they're always customers.
37:19Never mind the supplementary benefits.
37:21Get out and graft.
37:22That's my philosophy.
37:23Oh, incidentally, a guy was asking for you.
37:26Oh, yeah?
37:26Who?
37:27He didn't say.
37:28He looks sort of official-like.
37:30In what way?
37:32Oh, I don't know.
37:32You can spot him a mile off, can't you?
37:34What'd he want?
37:35I don't know, he didn't say.
37:37But right from the start, I thought,
37:39hello, Mr. Plod, or something worse.
37:42Like what?
37:43The dreaded vat man.
37:44The knock on the door in the early hours of the morning,
37:47all you weird terrible things.
37:48Anyway, I'll mark your card for you.
38:05All right, Sprutty.
38:07Shouldn't even be seen with you.
38:08Why?
38:09You mix with thieves, gangsters, oars, pimps, transvestites and shoplifters.
38:15What's the matter with me?
38:16Why?
38:17You're a bent copper, Sprutty.
38:19Even worse, you got found out.
38:22I've got my career to think about, don't I?
38:24And I thought we were friends.
38:26You owe me a favour.
38:28Yeah?
38:29Friend in trouble's no friend of mine.
38:32Who needs friends like that?
38:34I'll be up for inspector in a year.
38:36Again.
38:37I need friends in high places, not blokes going down the drain hole.
38:41No worry.
38:42I'll give you a reference.
38:43That's what I'm worried about.
38:45Anyway, I told you on the trumpet.
38:48JJ's around, he's on the scene.
38:50That doesn't mean he's organising this particular racing scam.
38:53I know him.
38:54I've seen the ad.
38:54I recognise the style.
38:56But he needs a partner.
38:58And I think I know who he is.
39:01Oh, yes.
39:02The plot thickens.
39:04I know this motor.
39:06The bold Arthur Daly.
39:08And he shouldn't have that disabled sticker on his windscreen either.
39:12What's his form?
39:14Form?
39:15I'm talking about pedigree.
39:17The right thoroughbred.
39:18Dishonest, mean, greedy, shifty, slippery.
39:25Daly is your true metropolitan hyena.
39:28He's an urban vulture.
39:30That's just his good side.
39:31He's your man, Sprotty.
39:34Handle him with care.
39:36Right side up.
39:37Know what I mean?
39:37On his head.
39:38My pleasure.
39:40After that, we're quits.
39:42We are no longer friends.
39:44Do not call me.
39:45I will not call you.
39:46In fact, goodbye, Sprotty.
39:49Same to you, friend.
39:50Small point.
39:52What's he look like?
39:54Horrible.
39:54Horrible.
40:16There I was, completely surrounded.
40:40It was a stakeout, was it?
40:42Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
40:43Very carefully planned.
40:44I mean, there were several of them.
40:45And you evaded him?
40:46Yeah, of course.
40:47It was like one of them James Bond things.
40:49Yeah, and he often wears the frogman's outfit.
40:51No, no, no.
40:52There was no frogman's outfits.
40:53They all had these big black leather jackets.
40:56You know.
40:56I knew it once.
40:58There's one.
40:58He's a right wally.
40:59Ha, ha.
41:00Mustache.
41:00You got to get up early to catch Arthur Daly.
41:04You know, I met Sean Connery.
41:06Oh, yeah?
41:07Yeah, that was before he became Roger Moore.
41:09Dave.
41:10Oh, excuse me.
41:12Hello, Mr Sprott.
41:13Long time no see.
41:14All right, Dave.
41:15Give us a light ale.
41:15Yeah, come out.
41:19You know, Arthur, I was saying to...
41:21Arthur Daly.
41:23Arthur Daly.
41:23Daly, isn't it?
41:37Daly!
41:37You're doing yourself a mischief of your age.
41:41Beg your pardon?
41:42I think you've got the wrong man.
41:43Are you trying to mug me or something?
41:44I've seen one of these before.
41:46What is it?
41:46Seasoned ticket for Fulham?
41:48Ha, ha.
41:49Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
41:50Get in the car.
41:51Thank you, about.
41:52My mum told me not to accept letters from strangers.
41:54Didn't your mum tell you that?
41:55My mum said near me in the privates.
41:57That's nuts to you.
41:58Oh, you're going to be like that.
42:00Get in.
42:00I don't know whether you know,
42:11but I'm one of the most highly respected businessmen in the borough.
42:14Not to say in the whole of the greater London area.
42:16You owe me money.
42:18Me?
42:19Oh, yes.
42:20Look, may I ask?
42:21No.
42:22Where's JJ?
42:24Oh, he's in...
42:24Are you arresting me?
42:28Well, in that case, do you mind if I go?
42:30Should your feet feel inclined to hit the pavement,
42:34you are dead.
42:39I've just been kicked out of the force.
42:4220 years of my life.
42:43Gone.
42:44All I know is crime.
42:47Particularly fraud.
42:50I'm an expert.
42:51And I've known JJ for 10 years.
42:56Always admired him.
42:57You see, he's an artist.
43:00And I've always thought of him as a friend.
43:03So when I knew I was going to be dismissed,
43:05I thought I'd get a hold of JJ.
43:07But I should have known.
43:09Con men never die.
43:11They merely fade away with your money.
43:15Oh, I wouldn't know about that.
43:16You see, I gave him the money,
43:17and he went on the missing list.
43:21Brilliant scheme.
43:22We were going to have an office,
43:23three phones,
43:24put an ad in the sporting life.
43:26The very same ad that you had.
43:29So you see,
43:31that's why I say you owe me money.
43:35Just a minute.
43:35I mean, I don't know anything about your arrangements with JJ.
43:38It's your office, isn't it?
43:40Um, yeah, in a way.
43:42I want it.
43:43This is a very expensive jacket.
43:45All the better to tear it to shreds.
43:46No, no, no, no.
43:47Don't do that.
43:48I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement.
43:49And the phones.
43:50I know the phones.
43:51Everything.
43:52All-inclusive.
44:02What is it, Ben?
44:02Short-term lease?
44:03Very short-term.
44:05Just park by the station.
44:07Terry.
44:16I wouldn't have found you.
44:17I'm being threatened.
44:18Sir, you might.
44:18There was something new.
44:19Wait.
44:20Where's my dosh?
44:21Have a word with it.
44:21Sir, I'm getting a lot of complaints.
44:23You're going to get a lot more, too.
44:24This is your new tenant.
44:25You said it was an office.
44:26No, no, no, no, no.
44:27You said it was an office.
44:28If he was to contact the GPO, you're going to have a few outgoings like Petal.
44:32It hasn't been too thin.
44:33Sylvia.
44:34I am on to the head office, sir.
44:35I am the station manager.
44:37Yes, yes.
44:37But he's on the firm.
44:38Make a nice cup of tea any time you want it.
44:39There are no catering facilities on this station.
44:41Toilets on the platform.
44:42You are sending me up.
44:44Shut up.
44:45Hey, and Terry, who takes care of all aggravation physical.
44:48I think so.
44:50Oh, that must be for you.
44:53Sir, sir, sir, do you mind?
44:59I still think it's a nice little earner.
45:01There's none so gullible as your average punter.
45:04Leave off.
45:04He needs his rest.
45:05You can pick them, the selections.
45:07You like the GGs.
45:08Yeah, that's why I'm skint.
45:10No, you're very good with dumb animals.
45:13Oh.
45:14What?
45:15That's his bed.
45:16Oh, my God.
45:18He's getting dressed.
45:20Oh, thank goodness.
45:21He only won't need that, though, will he?
45:24Have you met the charming Arthur?
45:25I'm not sure I want to.
45:27My pleasure, my dear.
45:28We knew he'd be all right.
45:30I shall have to schlep around and find some more telephones.
45:32He's bored with horses.
45:33There are better things.
45:35My fault.
45:35We were talking about the banking system last night, Switzerland.
45:38And suddenly I saw a glimmer in his eye.
45:41It was as though the Holy Grail had manifested in the ward.
45:44Don't stop him.
45:45It's JJ versus the Gnomes of Zurich now.
45:47That could be his personal best.
45:48Can he smoke a record?
45:49Yeah, he's going to need a bit of capital for that, isn't he?
45:52Oh, you old scally rag.
45:53You got it right.
45:55Where's my money?
45:56Ah, pennies, JJ.
45:58A handful of coppers.
45:59You're all right.
46:00I've had a terrible time.
46:01Dash in here, dash in there.
46:02Is that bed free?
46:03Oh, it's hard work avoiding honest work.
46:05How much have we got?
46:06Who knows?
46:07Checks, postal orders.
46:08I haven't cashed any of them.
46:09How much, Arthur?
46:11Um, 972 pounds.
46:14So, you owe me 486 pounds plus the 300 I gave you when we started.
46:18That was a gift.
46:20That was a capital loan.
46:22You're very lucky I didn't charge you interest.
46:25Oh, you're wicked, JJ.
46:26I've laid out money to station masters, dead-end kids,
46:30blossom, petal, tulip, dandelion, I don't know what my name is.
46:32If I didn't know you better, I'd say he was a con man.
46:36He is.
46:38What's your excuse?
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