Minder. S02 E05. The Beer Hunter.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 23rd October 1980.  An old Army pal of Arthur's, known as Yorkie, comes down to London to chat about old times and have a night on the ale.  George Cole - Arthur Dennis Waterman - Terry Brian Glover - Yorkie Georgina Hale - Renee Pat Ashton - Dora Alan David - Chef Robert Blythe - Coliver Jo Warne - Brenda Bill Rourke - Police Constable (as William Rourke) Janine Duvitski - Carol Carlos Douglas - Carlos Marshall Ward - Trev Barrie Rutter - Reg Victor Baring - Enrico Harry Fielder - Winchester Patron Peter Greene - Teacher Eric Kent - Winchester Patron Ralph G. Morse - Winchester Patron Lee Richards - Barmaid Phil Rose - Darren Mickey Varey - Winchester Patron Chris Webb - Wedding Chauffeur

Transcript

00:00I'm Mike 35, can you test me what Nick takes sitting on the hill, please?

00:23Mike 35, over.

00:24Oi.

00:26Sunshine.

00:27Oh, yeah.

00:31Driving license?

00:33Yeah.

00:34Come on, son.

00:36Yeah, all right.

00:37Hold on, hold on.

00:39There you go.

00:42Your call registration number?

00:44Oh, sorry, mate, it's not my motor.

00:47It's a friend, so I'm just waiting to drive him home.

00:49Can't take him cell phone?

00:51No, he's very law-abiding.

00:54Never drinks and drives.

00:56Celebration, is it?

00:57Something like that.

00:58Old soldiers' reunion.

00:59Go back to sleep, mate.

01:00Cheers.

01:01Good night.

01:02Good morning.

01:03Good night.

01:04Good morning.

01:05Good night.

01:06Good night.

01:07Good morning.

01:08Good night.

01:09Good night.

01:10Good morning.

01:11Good night.

01:12Cheers.

01:13Good night.

01:14Good morning.

01:15Good night.

01:16Good night.

01:17Good night.

01:18Good night.

01:19High-le laughing.

01:20Big and shiny, melt in your heart of stone.

01:26Mr. Day, please, I promise you all, Sam, I'll be home.

01:29We are singing.

01:31Ready for a big finish, Yorkie?

01:33Melt in your heart of stone.

01:37Itch you go, itch you go, itch you go.

01:40For I'd like to date you from a slow boat to China.

01:46Oh, to myself, I really mean it.

01:51Oh, to myself, I don't mean maybe.

01:55Oh, to myself, I'll go on.

02:02Oh, magic, you'll be magic.

02:05Hey, you all right?

02:09A nightcap?

02:11Well, I haven't seen him for donkey's years.

02:13So, Sam Gaborra?

02:14Nah, he's a woman's coming down tomorrow.

02:17Hey, stop the car.

02:19Hold on, hold on, hold on.

02:21I think his aubergine for Jiminy Arna's about to make a return visit.

02:25Laura, he's full of the social graces, isn't he?

02:33My best mate in the army, Terry.

02:36I would go to hell and back again on my hands and knees for Yorkie.

02:41You'll get down on your hands and knees if he honks his aubergine wass name all over my car'sy floor.

02:46I have no fear.

02:48I have no fear.

02:49That is something that a bloke like you don't know nothing about, you see.

02:53What a squaddie will do for his oppo.

02:57Comradeship.

02:57I tell you, Terry, blokes like you do not know what you owe to blokes like Yorkie and to blokes like me.

03:05Yeah, well, tell me tomorrow.

03:07Just get him cleaned up and get him out.

03:09I'm knackered.

03:10Yeah, we was knackered, weren't we?

03:13We was knackered, but we stuck it out when you were still in nappies.

03:16And I am talking in terms of blood, sweat, tears and human sacrifice.

03:24You weren't called up till 1949.

03:26No, no, but we was out there, weren't we?

03:28Mate, they are.

03:29Emergency.

03:30Doing our cobblers for king and country.

03:33Far East land forces.

03:35Jungle app.

03:35Jungle boots and jungle greens and 3-0 Lee Enfield rifles.

03:41Commie bandits.

03:42When we was giving it all that, Sergeant Sedgwick and Corporal Daly.

03:46Yeah, that's all very well, but you never fired a shot in anger, did you?

03:49I mean, you told me yourself, you spent most of the time propping up the bar in the Union Jack Club

03:54or whooping it up Chinese Ratley.

03:55Yeah, but we was there, weren't we?

03:58Look, I tell you, it is because of blokes like Yorkie and blokes like me

04:04that blokes like you are living at this moment in time in a democratically civilised society.

04:14Civilised?

04:15Still feeling manky.

04:17You okay?

04:20Manky's not the word for it.

04:23I feel like a rabid rat that crawled up my digestive tract and died.

04:27Oh, good, good, good, good.

04:29Good night to Kip and a furry brank that you feel on top of the world.

04:32I'll get Terry to run you back to your hotel.

04:34Come on, Colonel, back to barracks.

04:54There you go.

05:02Oh, that's all I need, innit?

05:11There you go.

05:27Hey, hang on.

05:27Special delivery.

05:29He's got poop all over him.

05:31Don't tell me.

05:32Don't tell me.

05:32I've just driven him all the way around the South Circular.

05:34I'm sorry, the Salvation Army.

05:35Hey, don't faddy me, pal.

05:37He's booked in.

05:38He's a resident.

05:39Well, he should be in before this, then.

05:41This isn't Liberty Bloody Hall, you know.

05:43It's a registered hotel.

05:46This can't come and go any, please.

05:48Listen, if someone's booked in late...

05:49All right, all right, all right.

05:51Shut him in.

05:53Come on.

05:54I'm all right, Juffer.

05:55I'm all right.

05:57Thank you, driver.

06:00And you're a great advert for the British Tourist Board.

06:03And he's a great advert for the British Tourist.

06:09Yeah.

06:17Hello?

06:43Hello?

06:44Gordon Bennett, you're not still in Kip, are you, Terry?

06:46Do you know how long it took me

06:48to take Rotherham's Roddy Llewellyn round London?

06:51Do you know what time I go to bed?

06:52Not much later than me, I shouldn't think.

06:55Oh.

06:58I was up with a lark, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

07:03Thank you, dear.

07:04Eh?

07:05No, not you, Terry.

07:06Listen, look, the reason I'm belling you

07:07is I want to ask you a favour.

07:11Show him the size?

07:13Just for half an hour.

07:14Houses of Parliament,

07:15so-ho sex shops,

07:16Buckingham Palace, all that.

07:18Look, take him round the clock and the horse guards.

07:20Now, I'll tell you what, Arthur,

07:21I've got a better idea.

07:22Why don't we leave him in that

07:24grotty doss-house you call the hotel

07:26and send the horse guards round the clock in?

07:28No, come on, it's Saturday.

07:29It's not on, is it?

07:31Look, Terry, you know me.

07:32Now, you know I wouldn't worry you

07:34if I wasn't being grabbed by the Short and Curleys.

07:36Look, I stroll round to the office

07:37to do half an hour slaving on the accounts

07:39and what happens.

07:40Five minutes ago,

07:41the VAT man walks in.

07:43I'll be with you in a moment, Mr Samuelson.

07:48I'm just having a word

07:49with my second-in-command.

07:51I'm lumbered, aren't I, Terry?

07:53Look, I'll meet you both

07:55at the Winchester at one.

07:56It's a favour, Terry.

07:58I mean, Yorkie would do the same for you

08:00if you ever fancied

08:01a swift weekend in Rotherham.

08:03Swift weekend in Rotherham?

08:04I'll ring his room for you.

08:20I don't mind ringing his room.

08:22But it's no use ringing his room, is it,

08:24if he's not in it?

08:26And he can't be in it

08:27if his key's hanging on the hook,

08:28number nine.

08:30And if he hasn't got his key,

08:31he can't get in.

08:34Maybe he's somewhere else in the hotel.

08:36Maybe he's in the dining room

08:37having breakfast.

08:39Breakfast finishes at 9.15.

08:41It's half past.

08:42Carlos was on breakfast.

08:44What time did number nine

08:46come down for breakfast, Carlos?

08:48The man in number nine

08:49didn't come down for breakfast.

08:51Might be in the lounge.

08:53We haven't got a lounge.

08:55Apart from where you're standing.

08:59He might be having a bath.

09:00I suppose you have got bathrooms.

09:02Number nine not in hotel.

09:04That's probably gone out for a paper.

09:05I'll wait.

09:06He's been not in the hotel all night.

09:08Look, I don't want to argue with you, pal.

09:10I argue with you.

09:11I argue with him.

09:12Yesterday, I argued with this man.

09:14At six o'clock, he wants afternoon tea.

09:17I tell him it's too late for afternoon tea.

09:20He shout, he swear,

09:21like a big gorilla.

09:23Not like man.

09:24Yeah, that sounds like him, yeah.

09:25This morning I said,

09:26I will not argue with this man again.

09:29I go up and say,

09:31come down now, you big bugger,

09:33or you'll be late for breakfast.

09:35I knock on his door,

09:37I go in his room,

09:38and his bed is not used.

09:41We slept somewhere in the gaff last night.

09:42I dropped him home at 3.30 this morning.

09:44No, not here.

09:45No, no.

09:46Maybe you drink too much.

09:49Maybe you take him to the wrong hotel.

09:50It was here, sunshine.

09:52I stood on the doorstep for cool knows how long,

09:54being slagged off by your night porter.

09:56No, no.

09:57Yes.

09:57No.

09:58Yes.

09:59No.

09:59Trev,

10:00go on a sec.

10:02Remember him?

10:05Never set eyes on the guy before.

10:08Who is he?

10:09Who's he?

10:10You just stood there and told us

10:12you were chatting to him last night.

10:14Trev's our night porter.

10:16No, no, no, no.

10:17No, you weren't on last night when I turned up.

10:19Never left the building.

10:22Who's the other geezer, then?

10:24No other geezer here but me last night.

10:26Came on at 10 o'clock.

10:27Right, Carol?

10:28Right.

10:29Came off at 9 o'clock this morning when Carol came on.

10:32Right again?

10:33Right, Trev.

10:34You calling me a liar?

10:36No, no.

10:40Hmm.

10:49Yorkley disappears.

10:53Two-night porter.

10:54Are you sure it was a different night porter?

10:56I'm not colourblind, am I?

10:58This morning's one was West Indian.

11:00Yeah, that's got to be a logical explanation.

11:03Look, do you have to sit here noshing that?

11:05I didn't have any dinner, did I?

11:09Oh.

11:09And what was all that Sainsbury's you give me about seeing a VAT man?

11:13You were in the kit.

11:15Look, I've got my problems.

11:17You've got two of them.

11:17You won't solve them by sleeping with a vat man, will you?

11:21Well, this appears off the face of the earth.

11:23I mean, it's James Bond time, isn't it?

11:25He could be MI5.

11:26He told me he was a bookie.

11:28No, only because he told me he was a bookie.

11:29Yeah, look, do you mind?

11:32Yeah, yeah.

11:33Right, come on.

11:33Terry?

11:34Mark.

11:35Hold tight.

11:36Oh, no.

11:37Look, two of them.

11:40Are they members?

11:42No, do I know.

11:43Gaming machines.

11:45The place is going steadily downhill.

11:48Look, what are you...

11:49Look, it is not helping to solve my Otto's problem with you sitting here stuffing your face.

11:54My God, you don't take no prisoners, do you?

11:58Listen, what about...

11:59After I dropped him back at the hotel, he nipped out and ended up with a dodgy bird.

12:04Bross?

12:05Why not?

12:06He's a happily married man.

12:09You're a happily married man.

12:11Are you home every night?

12:12Look, it is now 11.33.

12:14He's got to be on CO's parade at 15.40 sharp.

12:18Stand at Victoria Coach Station in a soldierly fashion.

12:20Chin in, chest out, thumbs in line with the seams of his trousers.

12:24Meet his old woman.

12:25Yeah, fizzing garlic.

12:30Yeah.

12:31bloody hell i didn't do that you weren't capable dear you barely tried the flesh

12:52was weak and the spirit wasn't very willing

12:55how'd i get here not on a snow white charger minicab i have this arrangement with his friend of mine

13:07charles don't you remember charles he's only got one end don't get many taxi fellows and have one

13:15friend i thought his name might ring a bell

13:27i'll fire

13:36don't worry it's all intact apart what you slip me of your own free will

13:42more friends you have to watch your step though when you wake up with a prosy

13:45like not so much of a prosy if you don't mind you are a prosy what are you if you're not a prosy

13:53i'm a part-time model what are you modeling bloody plasticine i'm not a professional one

14:00anywhere else up a mini in it for my plant money and i don't bother to do it when erwin's away

14:06is on container lorries juggernauts isn't it chris christopherson but i don't bother to ask him what

14:19he gets up to on a wet weekend in bruce have you lost something me kicks you're what

14:26me strides me bloody pants they're where you throw them when you fell in here last night waving

14:34them around your head singing i'd like to get you on a slow boat where'd i throw them out the window

14:52hey

14:56hey

15:26tea or coffee trousers

15:33no arthur i'm not going in there again look we haven't taken our eyes off that place for the past

15:38half hour right since our last went in he wasn't there then he ain't there now well where is he

15:43then i don't know do i well he must be somewhere true arthur he must be somewhere probably propping

15:49a bar up pouring endless pints of lager down his throat giving someone a right ear bashing about

15:54all bit is better up north yeah hopefully he bought the arse of someone big enough to chin him

16:00callous terry you are callous nut and bolt we were in the army adjacent bed spaces

16:05many's the time he saved my life on active service

16:07what'd he do stop you're knocking yourself sideways on that chinese rumpo eh lent me his best bald boots

16:15for guard duty even done jankers for me geezer comes down to london once goes absent in stuck with his

16:22missus it's down to me terry i have let him down

16:25go on then what you want me to do will the real knight porter please stand up i mean there's two

16:35of them one's bent the other's a ringer they must both know something about him sort one of them out

16:40for me well lean on him no no no no no no no heavy stuff just incline yourself a titch in his direction

16:47him well good boy

16:58erwin gets into them most top legs are like an erexit whippet have you got any big ones the old woman's

17:06come in down this afternoon to that bloody coach station oh big deal your missus erwin's sister's

17:13popping around here at three i'm supposed to go and look at some kitchen fitments with her brenda's

17:18as broad-minded as the next but i mean look at it from her side a fella sitting here in his red undies

17:25with your brother's wife watching racing on that sally i'm telling you dear you're on your little

17:30bike before she comes like this think of something think of what you should have thought of that last

17:38night when you're flung out of the bedroom window didn't you bring a spare pair down with you of

17:46course i did i've got a lovely check sports jacket and a pair of slacks but they're hanging up in my

17:51hotel wardrobe aren't they simple simple all you do is you telephone your hotel you ask to speak to

17:59the manager and you tell him to go to your room and you tell him to put the spare pair in a cap simple

18:07do you know what your bloody brain is

18:13i don't know fellas where would you be without us ladies what's it called what letter does it begin

18:21with oi are you deaf as well as daft your hotel what's the name of it i don't know what i've forgotten

18:31i don't remember what it's called and i'll buy mine from me homey days book me in sodding hell

18:51what's your gaming oh hello chef never mind bleeding hello chef don't you hello chef me flanneling won't

19:07get you anywhere sonny soft soap don't cut no ice for me no don't be like that don't be like that

19:13i'll give you don't be like that i'll be how i like horace because that's the way i am with

19:22everybody bleeding me come here no hold on come here what you call that chef's hat innit is it

19:36it might be a chef's hat to you sonny but it ain't a chef's hat to me

19:45this is what i call a chef's hat a chef's hat ain't floppy orris it's a badge of office

19:55it stands up straight piss proud it's starched

20:01well yeah yeah i'll see what you mean so you can take these back with you everyone and the rest of

20:09the bleeding stuff you walloped on me last week and you can tell your chief i won't stand for it

20:14what chief your chief the big-headed four-eyed git in the office what office don't platter around

20:21orris your office at the sunbeam laundry i'm not from the sunbeam laundry not from the laundry no

20:29well it's laundry morning it's always this time saturdays that may well be but it's nothing to

20:35do with me no i'm uh i'm mate trefts i won't have that gramophone of his going full blast tell him

20:43and i won't stand your mate's jungle drums giving me an ear bashing not this morning now tell him

20:49yeah all right yeah listen i forgot where's his room again through the door up the stairs turn left past

20:54the bogs tough oh yeah you're not wrong are you wouldn't have a lot of fun on honeymoon with that

21:08this stands up richard

21:24this stands up richard

21:40this stands up richard

21:43this stands up richard

21:44it stands up richard

21:48Hold on, hold on, go blimey, just keep calm, keep calm, I'm not a tea leaf, I just want

22:16a chat, now keep calm, fresh water fish, four letters, get in with tea, trout, C-R-O, oh, fucker it.

22:38Crompton Hotel, no, Crown, no, Comberford, no, Comberton Court Residential Hotel, no, just a minute,

22:53I'm trying to get this picture in my mind's eye, I can see the road, I can see these steps,

23:01windows on either side, there's this name over the door, it's gone, gone, it's gone.

23:08Tench, T-E-N-C, please don't do that, we're in Stuck, you haven't drawn a complete blank.

23:19No, not entirely, no, I have solved the amazing case of the two mysterious night porters,

23:24the Spade's a real one, only plays truant three nights a week to play in a jazz band,

23:28the other one's a moonlighter, front desk don't know anything about him.

23:31Well what's he do in real life?

23:33He's a schoolteacher, yeah, Barnstead Comprehensive, his parents had a sense of humour, his name's

23:39Olly Colliver.

23:40Where's he live?

23:41Ah, well that's where we've drawn a blank, we're in lumber there, the colour guy don't

23:45know, he's just got a phone number.

23:46Well it's alright, we'll ring him up.

23:48I've already done that, haven't I, there's no answer, nobody in.

23:51Hit a brick wall.

23:52Oh no, no, no, no, not entirely.

23:54We know he's a schoolteacher, we know which school you said, we know his name, we'll go

24:00round there.

24:01No, hold on, it's Saturday innit, schools are closed Saturday, it's pointless.

24:04We shall see my son, we shall see.

24:08I'll drop the colour keys for a couple of quid.

24:10I'm glad you can afford it.

24:11Debenham Court.

24:12No.

24:13Debenham Crest Hotel.

24:15No, I don't think it began with a D any road, D doesn't ring a bell.

24:19What do you think it began with?

24:20I don't know, I wish I did, I'm dying for a pint.

24:22Well you can't bloody well have one.

24:25Now come on, get your thinking cap on.

24:28Deck of cards, Motoren, Deepdale, Delmere, Private.

24:34What's that?

24:36The missus bought it for me.

24:39You don't wear it.

24:40Only for the missus.

24:42Oh, Delmonte dining rooms with limited overnight accommodation.

24:47No.

24:48Dorchester, no.

24:51He's a chub.

24:52What is chub?

24:54Five across.

24:56Freshwater fish, four letters.

24:57Chub.

24:59It's the kiddie's cross word.

25:01What was the name of that jazz band again?

25:04The one Lemonade played in?

25:05Yeah, South Ealing Mississippi Stompers.

25:08New Orleans stuff, innit?

25:09Oh, don't ask me.

25:11I'm a Francis Albert man meself.

25:13Old blue eyes.

25:14Did I ever tell you how much I bunged over the odds to hear Sinatra sing?

25:17Often, often, yes.

25:19Well, it's only money.

25:21My way alone was worth every penny.

25:23Do you know, Terry, tears roll down my cheeks every time I play that tape.

25:28It can't be chub.

25:30Chub don't begin with tea.

25:31Well, five across don't begin with tea.

25:35You've got five down wrong.

25:37Have I?

25:38Yeah.

25:39It's not tart.

25:40It's cake.

25:42I mean, she didn't say, if they ain't got enough bread, give them tart, did she?

25:45Who?

25:48He's a brainy bugger, is Arthur.

25:51He's got it all upstairs.

25:54The stunts he used to pull in the army, I'm not kidding.

25:57He's a crafty dog.

25:58Ring him.

25:59He booked you in.

26:00Has he got a car?

26:01Got a car?

26:02He's Arthur Daly.

26:04Arthur Daly's Jack the Lad.

26:06Haven't you ever heard of him?

26:08Never.

26:09How ignorant can you get?

26:10Are you sure you haven't got a can of light ale?

26:15Or a lager?

26:16I'm flaming gagging.

26:17We've got more on our plates this morning than topping you up.

26:20I ate this sort of evil, greasy, cheesy, high-time mug.

26:25There was garlic in it.

26:26I keep on getting the taste of it.

26:31Never heard of bloody Arthur Daly.

26:32Arthur bloody Daly.

26:34He's only one of the biggest car dealers this side of Watford.

26:37And you call yourself a Londoner?

26:39I don't call myself a Londoner.

26:41I come from Westcliffe.

26:43You stand me to come from Westcliffe on sea, lass,

26:45if you've never heard of Arthur Daly.

26:47Got a car?

26:49He's got more cars than British Leyland.

26:52Get him.

26:53So get off his arse and come round here in one of them.

26:56He can run you back to your hotel.

26:58And he can bring you round a pair of trousers.

27:01I don't know where he lives.

27:06Come on!

27:07Come on!

27:09Clock him, can you?

27:25No.

27:26No, he's not here.

27:27Hold on, that's him.

27:36Where?

27:37Referee.

27:38The ref, that's him.

27:42Go on, go and have a run with him.

27:44What can I go and have a run with him?

27:46Sorry, mate.

27:47How long they got?

27:48The sitting-off's just begun.

27:49Oh, that's it.

27:50You're knackered for half an hour at least, aren't you?

27:52What's the score?

27:5315-8 to Barnstead.

27:54Oh, we've got to talk to him.

27:57He's not going to come off just to have a chat, is he?

27:59Look, Yorkie's over with him, he'll be bombing down the M1.

28:01Faster to win in 15-8.

28:04Which is faster?

28:05Hoots.

28:06Come on, you hoots!

28:07Go!

28:08Come on, throw it!

28:09Come on, you little boasties!

28:11Get up!

28:13Get up, you little molly!

28:15Get up!

28:16Get up, you little boasties!

28:18Come on, you!

28:22Mike!

28:24Mike!

28:25Have a take a minute!

28:28Refs!

28:29Tch!

28:30Would you mind, sir, not infringing along the touchline and not interfering?

28:33Don't you talk to me like that.

28:35I used to play for the old Browns.

28:37Now, there are you!

28:39Terry, stop the game!

28:41Leave it out, Arthur.

28:43Look, if I stop the game, will you gee up the ref?

28:45How are you going to stop it?

28:46Well, create a diversion.

28:50What sort of diversion?

28:52Watch this.

28:53What's the actual?

28:54What's his game?

28:55Oi!

29:00What's your dad called?

29:02Afternoon, boys!

29:08Hey, what the hell's going on?

29:11He needs to catch him, he's out!

29:13Oh!

29:14Oh!

29:15We're catching up with him!

29:22Now, keep up!

29:23Come on, go with it!

29:24That's that, Clark!

29:25Give it to me!

29:26Oh, look at me suit!

29:28Don't worry about your suit.

29:29You can get that dry clean, can't you?

29:31It's not so easy with your face.

29:32Is it bad?

29:34Well, it's not bad, no.

29:35I mean, a few stitches here and there, you won't even see the joint.

29:38Stitches?

29:39That's all right, I'm having you on.

29:40Stop bleeding, no?

29:41You see me go, Terry.

29:43See me catch that ball, tuck it under me arm,

29:44head down and run!

29:47Memory lane, that was.

29:48Win three-quarter in the army.

29:50Did it show?

29:51Oh, yeah, it was magic, magic.

29:52Gareth Edwards.

29:54Jimmy Edwards.

29:55Don't laugh.

29:56I did my whack out there, don't worry.

29:59I was out there where the bullets was flying.

30:00Once I made a welcome change.

30:02Here I was, a brush in a glove compartment.

30:04Oh, dear.

30:06Still another link in the chain.

30:09Another step nearer.

30:09What did you say they were called?

30:12Who?

30:13Mini cab firm.

30:14Oh.

30:15Uh, Diva Cars.

30:17Yeah, apparently last night, after I dropped the Rotherham Rover back at the hotel,

30:21he banged the night porter a few quid over the top for a dozen beers.

30:24He's two down and ten to go, and he's good as new, hasn't he?

30:26Ranting and raving about getting back on to town again.

30:28I know you've got no time for Yorkie, Terry, but you must admit, you'll have to look up

30:34to the bloke.

30:35The night porter got in the minicab just to get shot of him.

30:38There you go, that'll do.

30:42Kids, I could have them, you know, if I was a vengeful type.

30:44Eye for an eye, cheek for a cheek.

30:46No, I could have them up the juvenile.

30:48Of course, you know what it is, don't you?

30:50Yeah, it's symptomatic, innit?

30:52Yeah.

30:53Well, don't stand here rabbiting.

30:55Yorkie snapdragons caning the motorway.

30:57Let's get going.

30:58Even though we know the name of the minicab firm, we've still got to find the actual driver.

31:13How many one-armed minicab drivers are there in Greater London?

31:17You what?

31:18Yeah, this geezer's only got one arm.

31:20God's truth.

31:22How long was that fella looking for a one-armed geezer on the telly?

31:25What fella?

31:26You know, went on for years and years.

31:29What was his name?

31:31Even at the death, he still didn't find him.

31:33What chance have we got?

31:38Rotherham 91824.

31:39Hello, boss.

31:43Yeah?

31:43Reg, have a look on me desk.

31:45Any bits of paper?

31:46Anything scribbled on me memo pad?

31:48Yes, boss.

31:49Yes, I'll have a look for you, boss.

31:51Hey, guess who I've got on the blower, Darren?

31:53Droopy drawers.

31:54And guess what he wants to know?

31:55What?

31:55Well, he's in London, isn't he?

31:57And we're up here.

31:58He's only ringing us to find out where he is.

32:00The silly, stupid bugger.

32:02Are you going to tell him the bad news now?

32:03Or save it for later on?

32:06It's a dead duck, this, before we even run it up the ruddy flagpole.

32:09Hello.

32:10What, Reg?

32:11Look, never read why I'm asking.

32:13Just do it.

32:14I've got a scout round on me desk in the top drawer,

32:16just in case I jotted it down.

32:19I am hanging on.

32:21Don't go away, he says.

32:23What the Hamlet am I going to go to?

32:25Didn't jot it down.

32:26I wasted my time asking.

32:29Reg?

32:30Reg, while you're faffing about,

32:32how did the first results go for us at all three meetings?

32:38He had what?

32:40Listen, Reg, you know as well as I do.

32:42It should have been laid up when he got the second one in.

32:44Darren! Darren!

32:47I've told him.

32:48What did he say?

32:49And you can tell that, Darren,

32:51you can start checking out the Trump creation scheme.

32:55What was all that about?

32:57There was a one o'clock at Kempton Park.

32:59There was a one o'clock at A-Doc.

33:01There was a 1.15 at Newcastle.

33:03One second fave and two outsiders.

33:06There's a pun drawn and a five-pound treble up.

33:07First three results and I'm 950 quid down.

33:09That's funny.

33:11It's not my day.

33:12It wasn't my night, either.

33:14God only knows, wherever.

33:16I'll open that front door and let Charles help you in.

33:20That's him?

33:21Charles?

33:22He must know where he picked me up.

33:24Ring him.

33:25If I knew his number, I'd have phoned him ages ago.

33:29Not at his home.

33:30The name of the firm he graphs for ring them.

33:32He'll have a radio card that can radio him.

33:34I don't know the firm he works for.

33:38I met him in a pub.

33:40Would you be sitting there now like a limp plant if I did?

33:45I was only limp last night.

33:46I'm here.

33:48I'm here.

33:51I'm here.

33:52I'm here.

33:55Watch it.

33:56Left off, you not, you old bastard.

33:58Not so much of the old.

34:00I've got a result.

34:05St James's Church, not in Hill.

34:06I've got the directions.

34:09Arthur?

34:10Terry?

34:11Do I look old?

34:12No, no, no, no, no, no.

34:13Truthfully.

34:16Look, the wedding kicks off at quarter to three.

34:18Then he's driving the happy couple straight down to Gatwick.

34:23Come on.

34:24It's happening.

34:25It's happening.

34:30It can't be easy being a one-armed minicab driver, can it?

34:37Probably on automatic.

34:38I wonder which hand he gets the tips in.

34:42Hey!

34:45Would you mind quieting your radio?

34:49I say, would you mind quieting your radio?

34:51Hey!

34:52Hey!

34:53Hey!

34:54Hey!

34:55Hey!

34:56Hey!

34:57Hey!

34:58Hey!

34:59Hey!

35:00Hey!

35:10You don't have to come to the race.

35:11Just one step to the race, please.

35:13That's right.

35:14A little bit more on the left.

35:15Just a little more in.

35:16That's fine.

35:19Nice day for a wedding.

35:21Sure.

35:22Bye.

35:23Bye.

35:23That's fine.

35:24Bye.

35:25Bye.

35:26Bye.

35:27Thank you, sir.

35:28Bye.

35:29Bye.

35:30I said we'd be too late.

35:38Who says we're too late?

35:42Hold on, hold on.

35:45What are you doing?

35:49Stove me!

35:50Stove me, Arthur.

35:52Not bad, eh? Go on, chat him up.

35:54Eh?

35:55Mini cab geezer, chat him up. Find out what he's done with Yorkie.

35:58Now, listen, you were the one who nearly changed the wedding into a funeral.

36:02I'm not going to cop all the aggro.

36:04Look, I'm driving the stagecoach, Terry. You're riding shotgun.

36:07You shoot the Indians if you want your paydirt.

36:11Poor soul.

36:17What the hell's your game?

36:18Yeah, I'm sorry about that, mate.

36:19Marsha thinks so, and we're in the middle of a wedding here.

36:22Your head case, you are.

36:24You're not in trouble, son, are you?

36:25Look, you nearly killed my missus back there.

36:27Get those glasses off.

36:28Go on, Ricky, drop him.

36:30What?

36:30People like you should be off the road.

36:32Oh, yeah, hold that.

36:33I does karate, you know.

36:34Well, I does king fool.

36:35Hold on, hold on, what's the carry?

36:36Oh, no, no, this one's mine, Terry.

36:38Oh, stand back, Tarzan.

36:40Listen, is it all right if he apologises?

36:41If he apologises.

36:42You apologises.

36:44What good's apologising going to do?

36:46Damage has been done now.

36:47It's our wedding day.

36:47On your wedding day and all that, but he's a nutter.

36:49Honestly, when his bottle goes, anything could happen.

36:51I mean, you saw you drove the motor, right?

36:53Now, just screw the nut.

36:54I'll try and calm him down, okay?

36:55All right, well, look, if he apologises then.

36:57That's right.

36:59Apologise?

37:00I'm not apologising.

37:01I'll kick him in a nutshell, Michael.

37:02You're going to spend the rest of your life backing away?

37:04Yeah.

37:04No, that's not the point.

37:06You've got a lot of bleeding spur support in those braces.

37:08Don't you start.

37:09Get in the motor.

37:12Is everything all right?

37:12Does anyone hurt?

37:13No, no, no.

37:14Does anyone hurt?

37:15I don't know if there's anyone hurt.

37:16You've seen Trina's?

37:19Irwin's cousin Gavin's Trina?

37:21No.

37:22You should.

37:23She's got American Colonial.

37:25Oh.

37:26Hmm.

37:27American Colonial right through.

37:29All her kitchen fitments.

37:31You know what she's like.

37:33She was all stripped pine and horse brasses one time.

37:38And she's gone agar.

37:39Hmm.

37:40She was wondering what you were doing with yourself,

37:42what with Irwin on the container lorries,

37:44and now that you're Sarah Jane, spread her wings.

37:49It's a phase they go through, isn't it, living with Nigerians?

37:53I said to Clive, she won't marry him.

37:57Still, Trina was wondering what you were getting up to.

37:59I always want to know, as you can.

38:02You're Gavin's train.

38:04Oh, excuse me, Brent.

38:10Hello?

38:11Yes?

38:12Oh, Mr Daly, what a relief.

38:14Yes, yes, I do know who you are.

38:16They seek him here, they seek him there.

38:33We found a bugger.

38:34Tell you what, swing a left ear.

38:43Here, be a doddle.

38:44Whip through ear, pick him up, then go and meet his missus.

38:47Yeah, but we're never going to do it in 15 minutes, are we?

38:50Well, Saturday afternoon, traffic's light.

38:52The lights are with us.

38:52Yeah.

38:53There is just one little snag.

38:55What?

38:56You got no trousers.

38:57Yeah, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

39:01No trousers?

39:03Her sister-in-law came round.

39:05She had to hide him, didn't she?

39:06She would, wouldn't she?

39:08In the garden.

39:10Without his trousers?

39:11Yeah.

39:15What are you looking at?

39:17All right, all right.

39:18What is it?

39:29Well, it ain't Pete the Bleeding Pan, is it?

39:33Here, stick that on.

39:48Here, stick that on.

40:18He's your oppo, so give him your trousers.

40:24How can I?

40:25I am driving.

40:27Well, I'll drive.

40:28Pull over.

40:48You're a good lad, our kid.

40:51You're a bobby-dazzler.

40:53Oppos.

40:54Yeah, oppos is one thing.

40:56Trousers is something bloody else.

40:58Here you are.

41:00You can use this to cover yourself up with.

41:03Just touch that mirror my way, Chuffer.

41:06Yeah, there you go.

41:07Good lad.

41:07All right.

41:08It's for the missus.

41:10Oh.

41:11Hello.

41:12Have a forward west.

41:14Nayland and Milford Haven.

41:16We'll depart from base 14.

41:21Change into 7th Bridge.

41:23On Newport.

41:25Cardiff.

41:26Bridget.

41:26I'll see you.

41:27I'll see you.

41:37Well, get out and say welcome to London, then.

41:42Hello, lovely.

41:43How goes it, eh?

41:44Good trip down.

41:46Do yourself up.

41:48Do what, is it?

41:48Your trousers, you dozy lummoch.

41:50You're showing everything you've got.

41:52Yes, you're right.

41:52No good shooting the stable door when the horse has bolted.

41:55And he rolled.

41:55They're not mine.

41:56I can see they're not yours.

41:57I should have to think where you got them from.

41:59And where have you been until this time?

42:01What have you been doing all the time, eh?

42:09I've got no sticky.

42:15I won't deign to ask what you got up to last night.

42:18Not a lot, quiet night.

42:20A bite to eat with Arthur Lovie.

42:21High Thai Nosh and a glass of table wine.

42:23It was very nice.

42:25Well, it won't be high Thai Nosh and table wine tonight.

42:29What did you got in mind?

42:31Nothing spectacular.

42:33I was hoping Arthur might come up with something.

42:34I wanted to get you

42:36On a slow walk to China

42:40All to myself

42:45Alone

42:46Hold you

42:51And keep you

42:53In my arms

42:55Severmore

42:57Leave for those troubles

43:02Hello, my son

43:03She's worse than he is

43:06Where is he?

43:08Point in Percy

43:08At the Boston

43:09Hey Terry, do us a favour

43:11Gee him up a bit, will you?

43:13You don't think I'm staying here, do you?

43:15Eh?

43:15Watch your phone us

43:16Well, I haven't got the motor, have I?

43:18You might have to run us back

43:20Leave it out

43:22It's Saturday night, I'm on a promise

43:24Even I'm entitled to some pleasure

43:26It's work

43:28I'm knocking out the vintage Bentley

43:30The Yorkie

43:31You're never

43:32Yeah

43:33Surprise present for his missus

43:35Wedding anniversary

43:37Look, half an hour in that old banger

43:40She'll have him in a divorce court

43:41I thought he was your best mate

43:44Your oppo

43:45You lengthen your trousers

43:47Well, trousers is one thing, Terry

43:49Business is something else

43:51All to my self

43:54I know

43:56All you

44:00And you do

44:02You're gay

44:03Chauffeur

44:05You're gay

44:07Oh, Tony

44:08Yeah, get a win, Terry

44:09Go on

44:09Aye?

44:10Yeah, go on, go on

44:11Vodka Slimline

44:12Gin and orange for the Duchess

44:13Find it the best for his lips

44:15Go on, go on

44:15Our kid

44:18Make mine a bit, Scott

44:19It's piss poor down here

44:21Hey, get one in for yourself

44:23Hey, Terry

44:25Stay on halves, eh?

44:28Don't want any

44:29Breath of Lysin'

44:31Fasten your seatbelt, kiddo

44:32One in for a bumpy ride

44:34She's all right, the missus, isn't she?

44:38Magic, Yorkie, magic

44:40All to myself

44:43And all

44:46Gin and orange in there, please

44:53When you've got a minute, gin and orange

45:11Oh, blessy-doosy-doosy-doosy-little

45:15Unsy-dimey

45:16A kiddly-dimey

45:17Two

45:17One, two, two

45:18Oh

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