- 2 days ago
First broadcast 9th October 1985.
Private investigator Caroline Selby seeks Arthur's help in locating eccentric recluse and inventor Albert Goddard.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Ronald Fraser - Albert Goddard
Mel Martin - Caroline Selby
Kenneth Cope - Scooter
Michael Povey - D.C. Jones
Donald Douglas - Mr. Prosser
Dimitri Andreas - Georgie
Hilary Whitehall - Bank Teller
Douglas Milvain - Bank Manager
Sean Barrett - Mugger
Christopher Whitehouse - Irishman
Peter Allen - Winchester Club Patron
Victor Gallucci - Winchester Club Patron
Penny Lambirth - Bank Customer
Roy Lansford
Bank Employee
Private investigator Caroline Selby seeks Arthur's help in locating eccentric recluse and inventor Albert Goddard.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Ronald Fraser - Albert Goddard
Mel Martin - Caroline Selby
Kenneth Cope - Scooter
Michael Povey - D.C. Jones
Donald Douglas - Mr. Prosser
Dimitri Andreas - Georgie
Hilary Whitehall - Bank Teller
Douglas Milvain - Bank Manager
Sean Barrett - Mugger
Christopher Whitehouse - Irishman
Peter Allen - Winchester Club Patron
Victor Gallucci - Winchester Club Patron
Penny Lambirth - Bank Customer
Roy Lansford
Bank Employee
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Very much.
00:06I didn't know you had that kind of dough.
00:08I could have mugged you.
00:09Yeah, with your background, you probably would.
00:12You're a very lucky young man.
00:13It's not many employers will give you a second chance.
00:16No, but some of them would pay me wages, wouldn't they?
00:18You owe me 80 sovs.
00:20You're sure?
00:20Yeah, I'm sure.
00:21And it's not as if you can't afford it, is it?
00:23Oh, it is.
00:24It's just bits and bobs.
00:25I owe most of this.
00:26Yeah, 80 of it to me.
00:27Yeah, of course.
00:28Yeah.
00:29Yeah, I hope you don't think I'm...
00:30Of 4,000, yeah.
00:31Don't bother to check it.
00:32Just routine, sir.
00:33No aspirations, that's your trouble.
00:36Quiet life, that's all you want, isn't it?
00:37Fat chance of that with you blowing down my ear roll.
00:39No, it's a gee up.
00:40I just don't want to see you on the scrap heap of life,
00:42mixing with bad company.
00:43I can't afford it, can I?
00:45Bad company like to see the colour of your dough.
00:47No, they like to spend a pound, they do.
00:49Excuse me, sir.
00:50This is 120 pounds light.
00:52Never.
00:53I'm afraid so, Mr. Harney.
00:55That must of all of us, eh?
00:57Yes, Mr. Harney.
01:00Mr. Who?
01:01Nothing to do with you.
01:03Moody name, you?
01:05Look, for someone who hasn't even got a bank account,
01:08what's it to you?
01:08Well, you give me my 80s, I can start one, can't I?
01:10Good morning, Mr. Daly.
01:12Good morning.
01:16Huh?
01:17He knows who you are.
01:19Yeah, yeah, I'm well known on a manner.
01:21What's the point of having an alias, then?
01:23They all have them.
01:24Who?
01:25The top men.
01:26Who?
01:27The corrupted coppers.
01:29Zars of the underworld.
01:30City whiz kids.
01:33You're pathetic, you are.
01:34Am I?
01:35Why are you having a pop at me?
01:37Mr. Harney.
01:37Is it envy, just because I've got a bob or two?
01:39Mr. Harney?
01:41Excuse me, Mr. Daly?
01:42Yeah?
01:43I'm afraid this one's short as well, 140.
01:45I don't believe it.
01:47I'll check it again, Mr. Daly.
01:50What did you call me?
01:51Mr. Daly.
01:53Mr. Harney.
01:54That's better.
01:57I've thought that for a long time.
01:59You don't know who you are, do you?
02:00Look, don't you worry about me, I get by.
02:03You accompany me to the bank, remember?
02:05Not the other way round.
02:07Does that mean you don't want me to take you back?
02:08No, no, no, no, no.
02:09No?
02:10I can go and collect my card, then?
02:11Oh, you're a free agent.
02:12Yeah, free, as in not paid for.
02:16I've changed the paying in slip, Mr. Daly.
02:19Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?
02:21And incidentally, it's Mr. Harney.
02:24I'll remember.
02:25Harney.
02:26Mr. Daly.
02:27Where'd they get you from?
02:53This is an attempted robbery.
02:54Oh, my God, don't be silly.
02:56It's loaded.
02:57Give me the case.
02:58I was playing in, not taking out.
03:00It's an executive briefcase.
03:02I'm a desperate man.
03:03What about me?
03:04You shoot me, you're going to have me on your conscience for the rest of your life.
03:07No, I won't.
03:08You sure?
03:09Guaranteed.
03:09I didn't see my gyro.
03:11No, not the eyes.
03:12Not the eyes.
03:12Give us it.
03:13All right, all right.
03:14All right.
03:24Mr. Chisholm.
03:30Did you see that?
03:31In broad daylight.
03:33What?
03:33Robbery.
03:34And I was the victim.
03:35Did you see the bloke?
03:36No.
03:37It must have.
03:38No mayhem on the streets.
03:41Sounds of gunfire.
03:42Cries of stock thief.
03:43No, I didn't.
03:44You, Jones?
03:45Not a dick you've heard, girl.
03:46But just in a second, up on his heels with my briefcase, waving a shooter.
03:50Sheer fantasy.
03:51Oh, this is great, isn't it?
03:52If one time you need them, they don't even see it.
03:54I was just coming out of the bank.
03:55Oh, you're banking there, do you?
03:58Make a note of that, Jones.
04:00I'd like to know where the local scoundrels stash their little gotten gains.
04:03What is it?
04:04False name?
04:05Inland revenue, you know about that?
04:06Oh, I do not believe this.
04:07A respected ratepayer reports a serious incident, and he gets cross-examined about his financial arrangements.
04:13Yeah, but who is robbing whom?
04:15Okay, you're reporting an incident.
04:17Very public-spirited of you.
04:18I'll put it in the book.
04:20Well, don't you want the details?
04:21Do you know him?
04:22Of course I don't know him.
04:23I wouldn't be talking to you if I knew him.
04:25And he'd be hanging under Blackfriars Bridge by this afternoon.
04:28Well, what did he look like?
04:29I don't know, do I?
04:30I was wearing one of them balaclavas and gloves.
04:32Oh, that's a very good description.
04:35What did he have it away with?
04:37My executive briefcase.
04:38I mean, the contents.
04:40Well, gas bill.
04:43Letter from Reader's Digest.
04:45And?
04:46No, no, that's all.
04:48Are you winding me up?
04:50No, never.
04:51Not in a million years.
04:53We're very busy men, you know.
04:55We're under-manned, underpaid, overworked and unappreciated.
04:59We can have a cup of tea and a pie.
05:01Aye, we've earned it.
05:02Aye, aye, well, aye, well, I haven't finished yet.
05:04Even if you're not interested in the robbery, don't you want to know about the violence?
05:07There's a dangerous gunman on the loose.
05:09I made a shooter up my hooter.
05:12Little old ladies get symptoms like yours.
05:15Always being interfered with.
05:16Meeting armed robbers.
05:18Masked rapists.
05:19You don't need old Bill, you need a doctor.
05:22My medical record is impeccable.
05:23You might save your police records.
05:25I heard that.
05:26I pay rates for the likes of you.
05:28You are disturbing the police.
05:30Go home.
05:31I remember the old-time coppers.
05:33Guardians of the law.
05:34Our streets are rife with crime and all you want is a cup of tea and a pie.
05:38Robert, Mark, where are you now?
05:57Well, are you Mr. Daly?
05:59No, I'm not.
06:00But this is his office.
06:03Ah, well, that depends.
06:04Are you from the tax man?
06:06No.
06:07That man?
06:08No.
06:10DHSS?
06:11Wrong again.
06:13Oh, you can't be all bad, can you?
06:17You're not meels on wheels, are you?
06:18Is he that old?
06:20Ah, well, if you were to ask him, he'd tell you he's the same age as Paul Newman.
06:24I ain't got blue eyes.
06:34Who is he, exactly?
06:37Who are you, exactly?
06:38I'm Caroline Selby.
06:40You are?
06:42Private investigator.
06:44Don't exactly look like Mike Hammer, do you?
06:46They always say that.
06:48No, I thought they were all sort of, you know, retired coppers.
06:51So they say, but not me.
06:54No, no.
06:55And you?
06:56Terry McCann.
06:58I'm a friend of Arthur's.
06:59Well, more a colleague, really.
07:02What's he done?
07:03You're very suspicious.
07:05Yeah, you get like that when you hang around Arthur for a while.
07:08Come on, what's he done?
07:09Oh, nothing.
07:10Well, looking round here, he probably has done loads of things.
07:14No, I'm interested in some information.
07:16He's rather well known in this area, isn't he?
07:18Yeah, he likes to think so, yeah.
07:20The godfather of the manor.
07:23Do you want to try those on?
07:25There's no fitting room, apparently.
07:27I'm sure we can arrange something.
07:29No, he ain't the godfather of the manor, but he does know a few people.
07:33Yeah.
07:34How's that, eh?
07:35I promise not to look.
07:36You do like helping the customers.
07:37It's all part of the service.
07:38It's just a little bit slummy, don't you think?
07:41Well, I suppose it's not exactly Lily White's, is it?
07:44But you've been a big, tough, private investigator.
07:46I thought it'd be all right.
07:47They say that as well.
07:50All right, Caroline.
07:51Shall we start again, then?
07:52Yeah.
07:53You don't really want to buy a tracksuit, do you?
07:56No.
07:57I want to see Mr. Daly.
07:59But does Mr. Daly want to see you?
08:01Well, maybe.
08:02I'm trying to get hold of a Mr. Goddard.
08:05Do you know him?
08:06Mr. Goddard?
08:07No, I don't think so, no.
08:09Albert Goddard?
08:10No.
08:11Well, unless it's old Albert of Penny Stamp.
08:14No, that's not fair.
08:14He's not really a tramp.
08:15He's just sort of...
08:16Well, he's like the original dropout.
08:18Does Mr. Daly know him?
08:20Yeah, it's possible, yeah.
08:21Why?
08:22I'm working for a group of solicitors.
08:24We're trying to get hold of a Mr. Albert Goddard.
08:27Apparently he's got great expectations.
08:30What, one of Paul's, has he?
08:31Yeah, just about.
08:40You see, he's usually punctual.
08:43Arthur's a busy man, you know.
08:46Got to meet, have you?
08:47Of course I have.
08:48I mean, we're all busy, aren't we?
08:49I mean, I've got a scooter in a minute.
08:52They both got the same time.
08:53Of course they have.
08:55Time is of the essence.
08:56It's an habit.
08:57Oh, incidentally, I should be having some Rolex watches in a few weeks.
09:00Are you in the market?
09:01Rolex?
09:03Oh, I forgot a minute.
09:05Oh, yeah.
09:06A lot of them are about.
09:07Let's have a look.
09:10Mmm.
09:11Mmm.
09:13Mmm.
09:14It's a ringer.
09:16Aye.
09:17It's a good one, mind you.
09:19You can't tell nothing about that thing.
09:21Of course you can.
09:22The face is everything.
09:23You have to be an expert.
09:25How much did he give for that?
09:26200?
09:29A bit more than that, actually.
09:31He's a lad, isn't he, old Arthur?
09:32It's a good time.
09:33Perfect.
09:34Well, you're all right, then.
09:38Seemed all right to me.
09:39If you're happy, fine.
09:43Arthur, I was just about to give you up.
09:45I mean, I've got a...
09:46I know, Scooter.
09:47You've got a scoot.
09:48I have had a traumatic experience.
09:51Large vodka and tonic, Dave, and whatever for Scooter.
09:54Do I look different to you?
09:56Good as gold.
09:57You've surprised me.
09:58I have just been a victim of an armed robbery.
10:00Never.
10:01A masked robber.
10:02Masked?
10:03Yeah, one of them balaclava things.
10:05What did they get away with?
10:06Oh, it was awful.
10:08I just deposited a sum of money.
10:11My executive briefcase they got.
10:13They took nothing?
10:13In effect, yeah.
10:15Well, that's part of the course, then.
10:17Aye?
10:18I've got to get up early to take money off you, Arthur, aye?
10:21Well, that'll be 320.
10:22Cash.
10:24Cheers, Arthur.
10:25Cheers, Scooter.
10:27Cheers.
10:28There you go, Dave.
10:31I've got the stuff.
10:32Are you ready?
10:33Because I've got a scoot in a minute.
10:35Right.
10:35Arthur, these are luncheon vouchers.
10:38Well, it's cash.
10:39Legal tender.
10:40Not here.
10:41Restaurants, sandwich bars, pubs.
10:44But not here.
10:44What is the matter with you?
10:46A luncheon voucher is...
10:48No, you have gone too far.
10:51All right.
10:52All right.
10:54Put it on the slate.
10:58Sometimes I worry about him.
11:00So what we got?
11:02You'll love it, Arthur.
11:03But, er...
11:05In the bag, aye?
11:17Just wait till you see this, Arthur.
11:23Beautiful, eh?
11:2424 hours.
11:25Fine as worsted.
11:26It's blue.
11:27It's lovely, isn't it?
11:28I wanted grey.
11:29Blue's beautiful.
11:29Scooter, I ordered grey.
11:31Well, it's the same, isn't it?
11:32Of course it isn't.
11:33Blue and grey cousins, they may be, but they're not the same.
11:35I don't want it.
11:36You can't do that.
11:37I've wrapped it on this.
11:38Look, you take this to any tailor, and they'll tell you it's first-class gen suiting.
11:43Yeah, I'm sure if I took that to Georgie the Cypriot, he'd recognise it as A1 top-notch English gear.
11:48Yeah.
11:48Yet he would not.
11:49And he'd also recognise the difference between...
11:52What do you mean?
11:53Well, I didn't know you'd go to Georgie.
11:58Oh, my God.
11:59You're not only colour blind, you're a thief off one of our own.
12:01Well, it's dog-eat-dog in my game, you know.
12:04Look, all the chaps are wearing blue.
12:06I mean, running war blue for his wedding.
12:08In Broadmoor.
12:08Yeah.
12:09And Michael Esseltine always wears grey.
12:11And Elton John's got a big hat.
12:13But we are not discussing high fashion.
12:14Look, I can't take it back now.
12:17Any chance of having a Jimmy in there?
12:19No, it's a private meeting.
12:20Go and use the ladies.
12:21Charming, they're all about four points at Guinness.
12:24I was counting on you, Arthur.
12:25Well, the customer is always right.
12:27Scooter, you should know that of all people.
12:28Yeah, well, I've got a scooter.
12:30No, no, no.
12:31What about a sofa?
12:32It's in the pipeline.
12:33Locke.
12:34Why don't we have a look at this in the daylight?
12:36No, Scooter, no.
12:37I think you said you've got a scooter.
12:38As it happens, yeah.
12:40Well, there you go.
12:45There you go, Char.
12:46That'll be a quid.
12:46God, Darrell.
12:48Where's your scooter?
12:55You deserted me.
12:57That's the man you want?
12:58Arthur.
12:58That man.
12:59Friend.
13:00Colleague.
13:01Never mind comrade-in-arms.
13:02On the firm.
13:03On wages.
13:04And what happened?
13:05Well, go on, then, Arthur.
13:06Tell us.
13:07You can't do anyway, ain't you?
13:09That lager should stick in your craw.
13:11Oh, sorry about this.
13:12You're supposed to look after me.
13:13That is your function in life.
13:15What have I done?
13:16Nothing.
13:16That is the whole point.
13:17He only scarpers off.
13:18I come out of the bank on my tod, and what happens?
13:20Mugged.
13:21You got mugged?
13:22Yeah.
13:22He's wearing one of them balaclava things.
13:24Well, he didn't have any money.
13:25So what?
13:25It's a principle.
13:27Bruises, cuts, anything like that?
13:28Oh, that would have made it better, would it?
13:30Is this your current paramour?
13:31Well, let me tell you, young lady, don't put your trust in this swashbuckler.
13:34Oi!
13:35This young lady wants to meet you, all right?
13:37Now, don't you ever have a pop at me in public again.
13:39I was mugged.
13:40I wasn't even there.
13:41Of course you wasn't there.
13:42You walked out on me.
13:43You should have been there.
13:44It was your duty to be there.
13:45It was your job.
13:46What job?
13:47I haven't got a job.
13:47You're quite right, you haven't.
13:48Your bottle's gone.
13:50Listen, you.
13:52You're sacked.
13:54No.
13:56No.
13:57No.
13:58You'll resign.
13:59And I hope you get mugged again.
14:07How can I help you, young lady?
14:33I'm sodding.
14:38As it happens, young lady, you've come to the right person.
14:40Although I don't usually associate with the bottom line of our society.
14:45So, uh, old Albert's had a tickle, has he?
14:48Who knows?
14:50A solicitor wants to get hold of him.
14:52That usually means a legacy or whatever.
14:55And then you get what they call a finder's fee.
14:59Uh, why didn't you go to the old Bill?
15:01Oh, that means the police.
15:03Yes, I know.
15:04They couldn't help us.
15:06No address.
15:07He's never applied for social security benefits or registered with a GP.
15:11He's a non-person.
15:14I'll find him.
15:15Well, Terry knows of him.
15:17Well, you can't trust Terry.
15:18I mean, you saw him just now.
15:19He saw him just the other day.
15:22Look, don't you worry, young lady.
15:24Old Albert is a local character.
15:25I will find him.
15:26And as far as Terry's concerned, we always have these little tiffs.
15:29He'll come crawling back by the evening.
15:38Terry!
15:46Terry!
15:48Hang about.
15:50Hey!
15:51Why is it when you get the hump, you always go jogging?
15:53Is it the guilt?
15:54Me?
15:55I'll forgive you.
15:57Do what?
15:57Yeah, I'm a more mature man.
15:58I understand.
15:59You left me in the lurch.
16:00Let's forget it.
16:01You forgive me?
16:03Oh, that's the sort of person I am.
16:04Well, by the way, listen, I owe you some money.
16:06Yeah, 80 sobs.
16:07Yeah, well, you get it.
16:08I haven't got it on me, of course.
16:09I'm never going to carry money again, not after a mugging.
16:11Oh, that's the reason, is it?
16:12Very upsetting.
16:13Can we stop for a minute?
16:14Oh.
16:15Oh.
16:16I see why you do this.
16:17It really opens up the...
16:21By the way, do you know where old, um, old, old Albert hangs out?
16:27Maybe.
16:28Well, well...
16:30Oh, come on, Terence, we're old friends.
16:32Why are you behaving like this?
16:34Hey, listen, would you like the length of the cloth, suit length, best worsted?
16:38No.
16:39Blue, your favourite colour.
16:40Who said?
16:40What, you've always fancied blue?
16:42No, I don't like suits.
16:43I like money, especially when it's owed to me.
16:45Yeah, and you get it.
16:46Look, all that money at the bank wasn't nearly mine.
16:48Oh, really?
16:49No, look, I'll tell you what you like.
16:50Here, look.
16:51Cop this.
16:52What's that?
16:54How about that?
16:54Cartier.
16:55Only the best cattle in the world.
16:58He invented them.
17:00Who?
17:01Raish Cartier.
17:03What, the inside forward?
17:05You're probably the same family.
17:07Ain't that the business?
17:08Yeah.
17:09Isn't that the same watch that Dave's got?
17:12Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it is.
17:14What do you mean you think it is?
17:15You sold it to him.
17:15Oh, that one, that one.
17:16Yeah, that one, yeah.
17:16Well, I have no complaints from Dave about it.
17:18Oh, no, really?
17:19It's funny, they're all ringers.
17:20What, the Cartiers?
17:21Yeah.
17:22No, it's a figment.
17:23Who told you that?
17:24Scooter, who was in the pub the other day.
17:25Ah, you don't want to believe Scooter, he's well known.
17:28I mean, these Cartiers, they're the best imitations in the world.
17:31I mean, what's it matter?
17:31They're all the same.
17:33Look, look, you get your dough tomorrow,
17:35but meanwhile, I've got to find out where Albert hangs out.
17:38Go on, then.
17:39Oh, come on, Terry.
17:44Come on.
17:53Come on, Terry.
18:46Come on.
18:49Albert, Albert, we're friends.
18:51Yeah?
18:52It's me, Terry. Terry and Arthur Daly.
18:55Oh, yeah.
18:57Look, is that thing loaded?
18:59Yeah.
19:02You've got to be careful round here, you know?
19:05See, I was mugged a few weeks ago.
19:07So was I.
19:08Fell out in a balaclava thing.
19:10Oh, same bloke, probably.
19:12Albert, it's only chance of putting the artillery down, eh?
19:15Oh, yeah, I don't want to upset you.
19:17You've come to see me, have you?
19:19Yeah, the thing is, you see, there's been people looking for you.
19:21No, no, just a minute. This is my department. Thank you.
19:24You're a bit of a man of mystery.
19:26Well, I'm delighted to hear that.
19:29I ask nothing and I give nothing.
19:32Is this your abode?
19:34Yeah.
19:37Come in.
19:48Oh, yes.
19:50Very comfy.
19:51Must be quite a little haven away from the early burly of our teaming society.
19:56I like it.
19:58Oh, and I see you're a bit of a reader.
20:03Now, then, what do you want you to?
20:05Albert, I want you to think of me as a friend.
20:09Now, would I be right in thinking you don't have much involvement with solicitors?
20:14No.
20:14No, no, no, no. Don't, don't get so worried.
20:17A solicitor is trying to contact you.
20:20Now, right away, I thought old Albert's going to need some advice.
20:23I don't know any solicitors.
20:25That's what I thought.
20:26I mean, it could be nothing.
20:28But then again, it might be anything.
20:31Insurance?
20:33Lease on your desirable residence?
20:35It's nothing like that, and you know it's not.
20:36Why, try and...
20:38I mean, it's probably nothing like that.
20:41I mean, it might be a relative, distant cousin trying to get hold of you.
20:45More likely copyright.
20:47Eh?
20:48My inventions.
20:49You're what?
20:50I do all kinds of things.
20:52Sit down, I'll show you.
20:55Go on, then, sit down, sit down.
20:56Go on, then, sit down.
20:57No, I don't want to sit down.
20:58I ought to market some of these things.
21:02My orthopaedic aids.
21:03You suffer from bad feet, do you?
21:05Er, well, sometimes, yeah.
21:08These are toe strainers of people with overlapping toes.
21:11There must be millions of them.
21:13Let's have a look.
21:15Do they work?
21:16Of course it works.
21:18Painless, remedial, it's a breakthrough.
21:20And it's British.
21:22Her indoors has tons.
21:24Oh, you let her try them.
21:25I'll show you my feet.
21:27Er, no, no, no, Albert.
21:28I don't want to see your feet, thank you.
21:29Well, I designed these for myself.
21:32I ought to patent them.
21:34I should if I were you.
21:35There's some very wicked people about.
21:37Hey, what's this for?
21:38I dabble with the stars.
21:40Yeah, you don't believe all that rubbish, do you?
21:41Oh, yes, I do.
21:44You're a crab, aren't you?
21:45What?
21:46Your sign.
21:47Cancer.
21:48July, maybe?
21:50How do you know that?
21:52Well, I do know, don't I?
21:54Yeah, but how?
21:55Oh, well, look at him, he's a crab.
21:58Yeah, I see what you mean, yeah.
22:00What's your ascendant?
22:01Date, place, time?
22:03Oh, I don't believe in all that mumbo-jumbo.
22:05Oh, well.
22:07July 12th, Fulham.
22:084.30pm.
22:09It was a Wednesday.
22:10You don't believe all that mumbo-jumbo?
22:11All right, all right.
22:15July the 12th.
22:18Wednesday.
22:20Oh, yes.
22:23You're a bit careful with your money.
22:25Spot on, Albert.
22:26Being a crab, you're inclined to retire in your shell sometimes.
22:33Oh, you need affection.
22:36I do, as it happens.
22:38But your hunger for money gets in the way.
22:41I vouch for that.
22:42He's just guessing.
22:43It's in the stars, isn't it?
22:44That is not a science.
22:46The planet Jupiter passed over that day.
22:50Does it say anything in there about how he's obsessed about 80 sobs?
22:53He's just winding me up.
22:55This man's made a study of it.
22:57It's science, isn't it?
22:58He got your birthday, didn't he?
22:59I don't need all this.
23:17Boy, there's no call for that, you know.
23:20You're a bit bleed and touchy, aren't you?
23:22Even the Wizard of Oz said I need affection.
23:24But you don't believe in it.
23:25That is not the point.
23:26He don't know me.
23:27All right, so I'm a hard man.
23:28But if you prick me, don't I not bleed?
23:30Don't laugh.
23:33Oi, Arthur.
23:35No.
23:36I don't want any sympathy.
23:38The matter's over.
23:39I don't harbour grudges.
23:40But when I'm talking to him, don't put your oar in.
23:43Listen, you, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here...
23:45All right, Arthur.
23:46In the pink, Albert.
23:47Albert, you got any family or any relatives?
23:51I suppose so.
23:52Not around here, though.
23:54Sydney.
23:55Sydney who?
23:56Australia.
23:57The place.
23:59Title people they are.
24:01Oh.
24:02Oh, shall we, um...
24:04No, no, no, no.
24:04You stay out, dear.
24:10You've got...
24:12You've got title relatives.
24:14Why not?
24:16They emigrated 70 years ago.
24:19Whole family.
24:20Penniless they were.
24:21My old mum told me about it.
24:23You've been in touch with them?
24:25Why should I?
24:26Well, Christmas.
24:28I haven't even met them.
24:31What's it to you, anyway?
24:33Albert, if a solicitor wants to get in touch with you,
24:36it could be good news, eh?
24:38I don't know.
24:39I don't trust them.
24:40I know what you mean.
24:41But you trust me, Albert, don't you?
24:43Yeah, er...
24:46I don't like officials.
24:47Oh, no, that's where I can help you.
24:49You see, I know these people.
24:51Shall I just suss it out, see what they're up to?
24:53Yeah.
24:54Oh, well, why not, then?
24:59No, no, no.
25:00No, that's all right, no.
25:01It's just when she comes back.
25:04Sorry, sorry.
25:05Could you get her to phone after daily, please?
25:08Yeah, cheers.
25:10Not in.
25:12What do you mean, she's not in?
25:14She's not in.
25:15Maybe she's out at lunch or something.
25:17I mean, even private eyes have to eat, you know.
25:19Two fingers of bourbon, all that.
25:26Oh, my God.
25:27What's he gone and done now?
25:33Where'd you get that?
25:34It was the only way I could get the sofa.
25:38You'll love this.
26:03You'll love this.
26:06It's what you told me.
26:07No, it's not, Scooter.
26:08I gave you the order number.
26:10I've got it.
26:10I've got it.
26:11There you go.
26:12That's the one you wanted.
26:14Yeah, there you are.
26:14Pale Arctic Blue.
26:16Her indoors saw it in the window.
26:17Well, it's the same or similar.
26:21It's what they call Icelandic grey.
26:24Well, it's grey.
26:25I'll give you that.
26:26It's the one they're all after now, you know.
26:28I mean, as a matter of fact, they don't do the Pale Arctic Blue anymore.
26:31Don't you give me them little porky, Scooter?
26:33Oh, stand on me, Arthur.
26:35They've had a lot of complaints about the whatchamacallit, the Pale Arctic Blue,
26:38and the polar bear white, and all.
26:42You'll be well pleased with the Icelandic grey.
26:44Look, I can't go home with an Icelandic grey sofa, no matter how popular it is.
26:48Her indoors has very strong views on interior decorating and accoutrements.
26:52Your Icelandic grey will bugger up the entire ensemble.
26:58It's a special order, Arthur.
27:00Business is business.
27:03I mean, Arads is a wonderful place.
27:04Yeah.
27:05But they're not going to take it back, are they?
27:07Why not?
27:07You got it out, didn't you?
27:08And you got the van.
27:10Look, it's a snip.
27:11It's half price.
27:13It's even got the label.
27:14That is not the point.
27:14It is the principle.
27:17I can be stuck with this.
27:18I've been on my hands for months.
27:20If you will take a cavalier attitude to people's colour schemes,
27:23that is what will happen.
27:24Remember the blue suit length?
27:26Ah.
27:27I told you that was the up-and-coming colour, didn't I?
27:29I shifted that, no problem.
27:31You shift this, no problem.
27:33I was counting on you.
27:36You're the hard man.
27:42What's your birth sign?
27:44What's that to you?
27:47There are some signs I don't want to do business with them.
27:50How do you know my sign?
27:52I don't.
27:53But whatever it is, that's the sign I don't want to do business with them.
28:04The suit is the man.
28:06I always recognize one of my suits.
28:08In the street, a restaurant, a club, crown coat.
28:14It's possible.
28:17A natural shoulder line, Mr. Chisholm?
28:20Yes.
28:37You don't mind me asking, but...
28:40Will you be carrying?
28:44Carrying what?
28:46I mean, under the shoulder.
28:47The hip, the waist.
28:49A PPK water or a brownie spoils the line.
28:52Hey, you don't mind me asking.
28:53Some are carrying.
28:55Like who?
28:56Mr. Chisholm, do you want me to be a grass?
28:59It's your public duty.
29:00I'm a tailor.
29:02We have a code of honour.
29:04Like doctors.
29:07Four buttons on the cuff.
29:08Is it legal?
29:10Perfect, Mr. Chisholm.
29:11Now the material.
29:13Ah, yes.
29:17Think you'll like this?
29:22Ah, fine material.
29:25A first-class worsted.
29:27I've used the same cloth.
29:31He's cut off the manufacturer's stamp.
29:34Who?
29:38Whoever, er...
29:40A present, Mr. Chisholm?
29:41Sort of.
29:42A bankrupt stock?
29:44Probably.
29:47Genuine supplier?
29:48Oh, we think so, yes.
29:55The bastard knitted.
29:57Look.
29:57It was up there.
29:59Bleeding tea leaves everywhere.
30:00I can trust you.
30:01You're not suggesting...
30:02Bleeding right, I am.
30:03I recognise my own material.
30:04Surely one bit of blue worsted is much the same as any other.
30:07No, it's not.
30:08I know, I know.
30:09I'll have to get the police.
30:14Erm...
30:15I am the police.
30:18Yeah, that's right.
30:19This is a set-up.
30:21I did this deliberately.
30:23Yeah?
30:23Who?
30:25I'll get him.
30:26Don't you worry.
30:33You know the Winchester Club?
30:36Vaguely.
30:49Where's Mr. Goddard?
30:50Ah, well, he's a very strange man.
30:52He doesn't like to meet people.
30:53Then you don't get your cheque.
30:54All in good time.
30:55I am his proxy.
30:57There is what?
30:57Proxy is the word.
30:58Oh.
30:59Well, I think I should see the solicitor alone.
31:01As you wish.
31:03First floor, number eight.
31:04Oh, thank you.
31:05My man here will look after you for a few minutes.
31:10Would you trust your friend?
31:13Why, don't you?
31:14He's a bit pushy, isn't he?
31:17Yeah, yeah.
31:18Bit of a con man?
31:20Yeah.
31:21A cheat?
31:24Yeah.
31:26Well, that's only good things about him, isn't it?
31:27Look, should we sit in a car, shall we?
31:30My client requires more information.
31:32He is not your client, Mr. Daly.
31:35All we need is his address.
31:37It's very simple.
31:38He is my client, Mr. Prossel.
31:40And he is in my care.
31:41I mean, you wouldn't want him wandering the streets on his tod, would you?
31:44Might get mugged, as I did myself only a few days ago.
31:47Really?
31:48Do you have to walk about like that?
31:50He is wearing one of them balaclava things.
31:53Thus, our client is safely ensconced in one of my properties,
31:57and has briefed me to suss out your predicament.
32:00Mr. Goddard may be the beneficiary of a legacy.
32:03Like how much?
32:04Not your business.
32:06There may be other candidates.
32:07Well, how many runners?
32:08Look, Mr. Daly, this may go to the courts.
32:11There is a question of identity.
32:13No problem there.
32:14My client's previous is pristine.
32:16Just bring him here.
32:19All in good time.
32:21Have you abducted, Mr. Goddard?
32:24That is a grave violation of the law, you know.
32:27Mr. Prossel, I am all for fair dues,
32:30and a little result for Albert.
32:32And one for you as well.
32:49Never fancied houses.
32:50Oh, this is a proper modernised conversion.
32:52Central eating, bath, fridge, chiming bell.
32:56You'll love it, Albert.
32:57I'm an open air man.
32:58Oh, he's got plants, you know, creeping things.
33:00I've picked them all out myself.
33:01My place is detached.
33:02Yeah, well, you'll have neighbours.
33:03Air hostesses.
33:04Since when?
33:05See, Terry would like to live here,
33:06but he can't afford to rent.
33:07I hate aeroplanes.
33:09Well, they don't park it outside.
33:10Give us that, Terry.
33:11You'll get the rest.
33:12Come on, Albert.
33:12Come and have a look.
33:20Who are you?
33:21I live here.
33:22Well, you're supposed to be a fourth girl
33:23sharing with three happy-go-lucky aerostesses.
33:25Oh, they went.
33:27Now you've got three happy-go-lucky
33:29McAlpine brickies.
33:30But you can't do that.
33:32Well, who says?
33:33Well, Archie aerostesses are as good as theirs.
33:37Don't want to be a landlord, eh?
34:01Don't like it.
34:02People give it their right arm to stay here.
34:04It's only for a few days.
34:05Terry will take care of you.
34:06He won't.
34:07He'll guard you.
34:08No, no, no.
34:09Yes, of course you will.
34:11Well, why?
34:11I mean, who's threatening him?
34:12Who knows?
34:13He's a valuable commodity.
34:15We have got to find out who he is.
34:17I know who I am.
34:19Oh, yes.
34:20Can any of us amongst us here really say that?
34:23You got a birth certificate?
34:24Well, there you are.
34:25Not that that means anything.
34:26But who is the real Terry McCann?
34:28Who is the real Arthur Daly?
34:30I see him in a mirror.
34:31No, no, that's not enough.
34:32They want proof.
34:33They've got our fingerprints.
34:36This is why you are staying here.
34:38You see, they don't know who you are.
34:41We could manufacture an Albert Goddard, but they could manufacture one as well.
34:46Philosophers have pondered the riddle of identity since the days of Socrates.
34:49What, a bubble?
34:51Bubble?
34:52You can't describe Socrates as a bubble.
34:55He was an ancient Greek.
34:56All right, old bubble.
34:57No, no, no, no.
34:59I mean, Nick, who runs the dry cleaners down the road, he is a bubble.
35:02True.
35:03But ancient Greeks, that's a different Tera Musilata.
35:05I mean, Olympians, it's your classic profile.
35:07I mean, they look more like us English people.
35:09I mean, you look at their statues, even they don't look like bubbles.
35:12I mean, can you imagine Socrates running a takeaway kebab gaff?
35:17Now, they used to say that Athens was the cradle of civilization, didn't they?
35:20And so it was, so it was.
35:21Yeah.
35:22And now it's the Parthenon Social Club in Tufnel Park.
35:25Yeah, I don't know whether they had darts.
35:27I ain't Greek, you know.
35:29Of course you're not.
35:31But suddenly, hundreds of Albert Goddards will appear.
35:34At the very sniff of wealth, they'll come crawling out of the woodwork.
35:41They always had distinguishing features, didn't they?
35:45Who?
35:46The mystery inheritor.
35:48Oh, that's right, yeah.
35:49There was always a birthmark, and only one other person knew about it.
35:53Well, I never had one.
35:54And it was usually the old nanny, wasn't it?
35:57How'd you know that?
35:58I read it.
35:59I never had a nanny.
36:01No, but you had a mum, didn't you?
36:02And?
36:03I want you to sit down and write the story of your life.
36:05Everything.
36:06Where you grew up, where you went to school, your first job, the doctor, and how you got
36:10into this terrible mess.
36:12Because I like it.
36:13That's why.
36:14Well, write their dirt facts.
36:15That is what they like.
36:16Facts.
36:16What's in this for you, Arthur?
36:19Me?
36:20Yeah, you.
36:21What's in this for you?
36:23Just helping hand.
36:24Good Samaritan.
36:25Simple philatologist.
36:26I think you mean philanthropist.
36:28Bist, yes.
36:30I mean, see, I could give you a bit of advice, and you might offer me a simple gratuity.
36:34I might take it.
36:37And Terry?
36:38Terry's not involved.
36:39Terry has always supported me.
36:41Terry, exactly.
36:42And now, Terry is sodding off.
36:48He's a funny boy, isn't he?
36:51But he'll be back.
37:03Well, he's hardly a missing person, sir.
37:06Where's he missing from?
37:09You don't even have his address, so...
37:11I can't feed it onto the art's computer.
37:13Well, you've got his name.
37:15He's not a nine-to-five punter.
37:18You say yourself he's got no records, so where am I supposed to look?
37:22I have good reason to believe he is being held against his will.
37:27Some inoffensive old buffer.
37:30What kind of monster's gonna do that?
37:32Do you know a chap called Arthur Daly?
37:37He's a monster.
37:41That'll be $1.20 cash.
37:44And I don't mean no luncheon vaches.
37:47You're very fractious these days.
37:49It's the atmosphere in this place.
37:51You don't know where you are.
37:52Damn.
37:53What's up?
37:54You've got a dodgy foot.
37:55I've got a bunion, you know, a cross-toe.
37:58I've had it for ages.
37:59You've seen your chiropodist?
38:01No, they can't do nothing about it.
38:02Oh, really?
38:03That was yesterday.
38:05Medical science is remarkable.
38:07They've cracked that problem.
38:09It's the overlapping toe syndrome.
38:11And as it happens, I am about to market a revolutionary remedial device.
38:17No, thank you, Arthur.
38:18You haven't seen it yet?
38:19Well, that's what's happened in 17 years of friendship.
38:24I don't trust you no more.
38:27What?
38:32Cartier.
38:33The best.
38:34It's a ringer.
38:36Who told you that?
38:37Scooter.
38:39Oh, that is marvellous, isn't it?
38:40Scooter has suddenly become an expert on kettles.
38:42A man who can't even get the right colour at Arads.
38:46That is a cartier.
38:49The first one.
38:50That's a come on for the others.
38:52I mean, if Dave buys it, it's got to be kosher gear, right?
38:56Oh, my dear old friend.
38:59Did you really think I'd turned you over?
39:01Yes, I did.
39:03Thank God I told you.
39:06Yeah.
39:07Thank God you told me.
39:09You know something, Arthur?
39:11I'm going to bar that horrible scooter.
39:13Yeah.
39:14On the ass, eh?
39:15Oh, thanks, Dave.
39:33Thanks, Dave.
40:01There you go.
40:03Oh, good exercises, remembering things.
40:12Have you got the facts?
40:13Too many.
40:16I've been trying to think when I first decided to sleep rough.
40:20Just drifted into it.
40:22Nothing dramatic.
40:24Lots of literal crises.
40:30Like jobs.
40:32Like jobs.
40:32You could get jobs in those days.
40:34So I was just waiting for a decent job, more or less settled.
40:39But I had a gap of a month, you know, all my family was killed in the blitz.
40:46Oh, there was an old aunt in Hull, but I never met her.
40:50I had enough money for food, but not enough for rent.
40:56Beautiful night it was.
40:58A cup of drinks.
40:59I didn't drink much.
41:01Stretched out, smiling at the stars.
41:06And I thought to myself, this is a doddle.
41:13Funny enough, it didn't rain for 11 nights.
41:16And by then I got used to it.
41:18You could have asked for help, though, couldn't you?
41:20Six years in the army, telling me what to do.
41:23What do you mean?
41:25Go to one of those hostels or whatever?
41:28Oh, yeah.
41:29I'm an independent man.
41:32An awkward sod.
41:34I'd never been on the do, you know.
41:36Oh, I got the job, but I never went.
41:39I was living on the land.
41:42I'd been everywhere in this country, you know.
41:45That's when I started studying the stars.
41:49I was a hippie before they even heard of it.
41:52The way you put it, it sounds good.
41:54It ain't romantic, you know.
41:56It don't sound bad, though.
41:57It was all right for me, see.
41:59But I've met other blokes who did it out of desperation.
42:02Only needs a bit of bad luck, you know.
42:05I met this bloke in Sheffield.
42:07He was an accountant.
42:09An accountant.
42:11Have you ever met an accountant?
42:13Yeah, of course I have.
42:14Yeah?
42:15Yeah.
42:16Oh, yeah.
42:17Under the railway arches, bottled a British sheriff, studying a P-45.
42:22He was always writing to the England Revenue, demanding a rebate.
42:27What happened?
42:28I don't know.
42:29He was always on the move.
42:31Didn't have no address.
42:32Oh, he never got the replies.
42:35Mind you, I think he was a nutter.
42:39Listen, don't you ever want to settle down?
42:41I couldn't settle down now, could I?
42:44What would I do with all that money, even assuming I got it?
42:48Eh?
42:49Arthur's got some ideas.
42:51Yeah.
42:52He's a busy man, isn't he, Arthur?
42:56Always busy, eh?
43:02Hey!
43:05You stay where you are.
43:07Why?
43:08I want you, Daly.
43:10If it's about the road tax, it's in the post.
43:12Don't get smart with me.
43:14I wanted to get a warrant, and the magistrate couldn't believe it.
43:18What?
43:18You might well ask.
43:20What are you?
43:21A Sicilian bandit?
43:23A German urban terrorist?
43:25The mind boggles.
43:26Where do you stop?
43:27I do not know what you're talking about.
43:29Yes, you do.
43:31Do I?
43:32Kidnap.
43:34Unusual in this country.
43:35It's not an Anglo-Saxon crime, you know.
43:38More like a Latin country, or even the Yanks.
43:42Where is Albert Goddard?
43:44Oh, he's staying at a flat of mine, Mr Chisholm.
43:47Self-contained, central eating, luxury bathroom, handy for the West End.
43:52One that I was, in fact, going to let to an American academic.
43:55So you say.
43:56I want to see the body.
43:58Why not, Mr Chisholm?
43:59Hello, Arthur.
44:00I've got my sofa you wanted.
44:01Pale-artic blue, just like you.
44:03Oi!
44:03Stay where you are.
44:05Maybe later, eh?
44:06I've got a scoot.
44:18Where did he get that van?
44:20It's that shop in Knightsbridge, isn't it?
44:22No.
44:23No.
44:51So, let's go.
44:57Albert? Terry?
45:03Oh, are we disturbing you?
45:04Not today, thank you.
45:06Where's Albert?
45:08Gone to meet a solicitor.
45:10Two hundred thousand, apparently.
45:13Two hundred thousand?
45:14And he's got no idea what he's going to do with it.
45:18It is his dough.
45:19I was going to help him.
45:21You're too late. He don't need your help.
45:23You traitor.
45:25You've blown it once too often.
45:31Yes, well, afternoon all.
45:40Not very happy.
45:43All good things come to an end, don't they?
45:46Upset?
45:47No, no, we're just mates.
45:49If it had been a marriage, we'd have left years ago.
45:55Ah, forget it. Come on, come on.
46:04Cheers.
46:06Do you want a job?
46:08Doing what?
46:10Our company.
46:10Private eye.
46:11Private eye? Me?
46:12No, thanks.
46:13No, I mean, I suppose you'd call it security.
46:17You know, guarding places, escorts, bodyguards,
46:21bouncer at the charity ball,
46:23minding the family jewels.
46:25What are you trying to do?
46:26Get me over to the right side or something?
46:28They're nicer people.
46:30Who says?
46:38What are you trying to do?
46:39Yes.
46:39Oh, my God.
46:56Oh, my God.
47:27That's the right.
47:28If that's respectable employment, I'll walk on the wild side.
47:34Well, I'll, uh, see you.
47:37And you.
47:38You've been acting very strange.
47:40I have.
47:41I should have sussed it out.
47:44Mugging.
47:45Look, what could I do?
47:47You could have been there.
47:53Yeah, all right.
48:01See you.
48:02And you.
48:03Bloody hopeless anyway.
48:06There are plenty more pebbles on a Fulham road.
48:12Hey, Terrence.
48:15Hey, Terry.
48:17Terry.
48:18What?
48:18Don't you want your half of this?
48:23Well?
48:23Yeah.
48:24Mm-hmm.
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