- 5 minutes ago
First broadcast 31st October 1991.
A nostalgic Arthur plans to host a number of variety acts at his local pub, including the great ventriloquist Tommy Pickford, now retired.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
John Cater - Tommy
Emma Cunningham - Gloria
Harry Landis - Monty
Pauline Letts - Mrs. Gabadini
Steven O'Donnell - Barry
Mark Duffy - Trevor
Dennis Quilligan - Diarmid
James Ottaway - Percy
Frank Mills - Len
Larry Barnes - Vernon
John Rutland - Colin Stamp
Jenny Logan - Manageress
Andrew Frame - Heckler
Jimmy Lambert - Luigi Gabadini
A nostalgic Arthur plans to host a number of variety acts at his local pub, including the great ventriloquist Tommy Pickford, now retired.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
John Cater - Tommy
Emma Cunningham - Gloria
Harry Landis - Monty
Pauline Letts - Mrs. Gabadini
Steven O'Donnell - Barry
Mark Duffy - Trevor
Dennis Quilligan - Diarmid
James Ottaway - Percy
Frank Mills - Len
Larry Barnes - Vernon
John Rutland - Colin Stamp
Jenny Logan - Manageress
Andrew Frame - Heckler
Jimmy Lambert - Luigi Gabadini
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00All right, all right, calm down.
00:03There's no need to get all that up about it.
00:06Calm down.
00:07I tell you, Al Coran never played the golden screen Ipadro.
00:10Mel Pine was a very religious man.
00:13He wouldn't allow mind readers anywhere near his theaters.
00:15Said they peddled the devil's wares.
00:18Your memory is definitely going, Monty.
00:20I remember distinctly.
00:22Al came on before Dickie Henderson.
00:25He did not.
00:26Maybe you're thinking of the Finsbury Park Empire.
00:29No, no, it was Golders Green.
00:30Al went off, Dickie came on.
00:33This is why I remember.
00:34Dickie said, I hope he can't read my mind
00:37because I've just been talking to the Gloria Gay glamour girls.
00:41Brought the house down.
00:43Great little lad, liver was Dickie.
00:45Real star, Mr. Piano Anderson.
00:48That wasn't Dickie.
00:49That was Joe, surely.
00:50Look, I grant you they may have been on the same bill,
00:52but not at Golders Green.
00:54It was one of Al's biggest regrets.
00:56What do you say, then?
00:57I can't help you there, Arthur.
00:59I never was a great frequenter of Golders Green.
01:01No, I can't say I blame you.
01:03There were some very unsavoury customers
01:05who used to congregate in the crush bar there.
01:07Do you mind?
01:08That's where I met my first wife.
01:10Oh, sorry, Percy.
01:12No offence.
01:13No, I was strictly a Kingston, Chiswick,
01:15and very occasionally Shepard's Bush man myself.
01:18Ah, the old West London empires.
01:20Some of my best clients played those.
01:22Do you remember Wilson Keppel and Betty?
01:24Oh, a legend, a legend.
01:25Tony Brent.
01:27He was on your books, wasn't he, Monty?
01:29Oh, if only.
01:30Tony Brent.
01:32Singing to please.
01:33Oh, now, that tag was my idea.
01:35I suggested it to him in the Le Grand Coffee Bar.
01:38Do you remember in Gerrard Street?
01:39Did you really?
01:40Arthur Lucan and Kitty McShane.
01:43Oh.
01:44Oh, a very tough businesswoman, that Kitty.
01:47Sid Field.
01:48Oh, yeah.
01:50Now, for me, no one came near Rob Wilton.
01:53Well, now you're talking.
01:56The day war broke out,
01:58but how are you going to know which one is Hitler?
02:02I've got to talk in me head, Avatar woman.
02:13Nice one, Knightley.
02:15It's all on the pink.
02:19Pressure shelf.
02:25Oh, dear.
02:27Too hard.
02:29Looks like you've thrown it away.
02:33Ain't over yet, Beryl.
02:34You've still got to put it.
02:39Yes!
02:44Well done.
02:46Your game.
02:50All right, all right.
02:51You've won your tenner.
02:52I don't need to show off.
02:54I cannot believe you beat me again.
02:56You better believe it, my son.
02:58Double or quits?
02:59What, you're joking.
03:00It's getting monotonous.
03:01Yeah, losing always is.
03:03Yeah, I could murder a lager.
03:04Then you shall have one, my son.
03:07On the house.
03:13You're talking to mind readers.
03:15What was the name of that vent act
03:17at a doll with a turban?
03:21Professor Pickford and Mystic Mickey.
03:23Tommy Pickford.
03:25Now, there was a talented boy.
03:26With the right representation, he could have gone straight to the top.
03:30And I'm talking television.
03:31What have that happened to him?
03:32I used to know his act backwards.
03:34Whatever happened to all of them, Arthur?
03:37Gone with the halls.
03:38All gone.
03:39It wasn't television that ruined the halls.
03:42It was rock and roll.
03:44That Elvis Presley.
03:45Yeah, he had a lovely pair of lungs, Elvis.
03:47But could he tell a gag?
03:49Not to save his life.
03:50I mean, could he twizzle round on a pair of roller skates
03:54with a bird on the end of a rope in his mouth?
03:58A little top-up, Arthur.
04:00Oh, demitasse, Len, demitasse.
04:03Tommy Pickford and Mystic Mickey.
04:06Ah, there was an act.
04:11Nectar.
04:13A pint earned has a pint enjoyed, Ray.
04:16Like money, like women, like everything.
04:19The harder you work, the sweeter they taste.
04:21You don't try hard enough.
04:23That's why I always beat her.
04:24Lucky in love barrel, unlucky in snooker.
04:27What about money?
04:28Yeah, I'll get by.
04:29Well, that looked good on your head, Stone.
04:31Here lies Ray Daly.
04:32He got by.
04:33I've got me plans.
04:34Same again, lads?
04:36Yeah, why not?
04:38Come right.
04:40All right, I'll bring them over, then.
04:44How about earning some real money?
04:46Doing a bit of work for me.
04:47Yeah, like what?
04:48Well, put it this way.
04:49Whatever state-of-the-art and in-pub entertainment,
04:51I supply the equipment.
04:53One time it was bandits, so I got in the bandits.
04:55At the moment it's karaoke.
04:57Yeah, where do I come in?
04:58Well, in future, I want to be strictly supply.
05:01You can do the legwork and make the pitches.
05:03Yeah, how much?
05:04That depends on you.
05:06I hire out the machine to you for an agreed sum.
05:09Whatever deal you do with your punter is down to you.
05:13Any profit goes in your pocket?
05:15No, I don't know.
05:16I work for me uncle.
05:18Has he got you under an exclusive contract?
05:21No.
05:21Well, then.
05:22I don't think I've even seen a karaoke machine.
05:25Meet me down a rose and crown tonight.
05:29Oh, you look a bit seedy around the gills.
05:31What you been up to?
05:33Having me hair cut.
05:34Yeah, most people have their barn.
05:35It's done to feel better.
05:36You get laid up for a week.
05:38Here, will you get a five-star coffee again?
05:39No, it happens every month.
05:41I try to keep current, and then when I get up,
05:44I find my legs have gone.
05:46I told Len he's over-lacing the percolar later.
05:49Well, you'd better snap out of here.
05:51I'm not carrying any passengers today.
06:02Ray, you're a youth.
06:04What do you do for entertainment?
06:07Oh, the usual, you know.
06:10No, no, I don't.
06:11That's why I'm asking.
06:12Well, what are you talking about?
06:15I mean, what kind of entertainment?
06:17What does an ageing lad like you do for an evening's diversion
06:22without having to take out a second mortgage?
06:25Well, for example, this evening, me and Gloria,
06:27we're going to a karaoke night.
06:29Oh, you don't want to eat that much, Ray.
06:31It's all raw.
06:33Have salmonella before they come round with the finger bowls.
06:36It's not food.
06:37It's a kind of modern sing-along, only to machine.
06:40Where does this happen?
06:41Well, pubs mainly.
06:43Come on, Arthur, get up.
06:44Hey, where are you taking all this?
06:46I'm taking it down a dump, like you said.
06:49Hold on.
06:50I've had an idea.
06:53What?
06:53Look.
06:54Look.
06:58Sundials.
06:59Sundials.
07:02Oh, my God.
07:03Oh, my God.
07:04Oh, my God.
07:04Oh, my God.
07:05Oh, my God.
07:06Oh, my God.
07:07Oh, my God.
07:08Oh, my God.
07:09Oh, my God.
07:12Oh, my God.
07:14Oh, my God.
07:17Oh, my God.
07:17Oh, my God.
07:17Are you going to get up in six?
07:19Me?
07:19You're joking.
07:20I'm just here to meet a bloke.
07:22I'll have a little deal going.
07:23What sort of a deal?
07:24Whatever you mind.
07:26I'm just sounding out possibilities.
07:28So long as we don't have to stay here all night.
07:31And here he is now.
07:35Come on.
07:36Well, it's about like you're getting injured.
07:39All right, Bert.
07:41How's it going, mate?
07:42Well, Knightley.
07:43What do you make of my little karaoke?
07:45Yeah, it seems very popular.
07:46I'm coining it in, sir.
07:48Over the weekend, I'll take over five tonnes.
07:51Trev, drinks.
07:52I've got one.
07:53Don't be a noise.
07:55All right, what's everyone having then?
07:56It's mixed company tonight, so make it champagne, you tight git.
07:59Here about.
08:00This is Gloria.
08:01Gloria Barry.
08:02All right, girl.
08:03Are you going to get up and sing?
08:04I wasn't planning to.
08:05Well, go on.
08:06I'll put you top of the list.
08:07I can't sing.
08:08I've got cloth ears.
08:09I bet she's a right little singer.
08:12Here up.
08:12Get this down your screech.
08:13There's nothing you could say could tear me away from my guy.
08:21There's nothing you could do, cause I'm stuck like glue to my guy.
08:28I'm sticking to my guy like a stem to a letter.
08:39What's he doing here?
08:43Nothing you could do, right?
08:45Here.
08:46Who's the old geezer?
08:47It's me Uncle Arthur.
08:50All right, Uncle?
08:51How about some French lager?
08:52Trev, glass.
08:54Champagne, eh?
08:55Celebration, is it?
08:56What are you doing here, Arthur?
08:57Not exactly your scene, is it?
08:58No, no, Ray.
08:59You know me.
08:59I don't like to be pigeonholed.
09:01I pride myself on my ability to mix in all circles.
09:03Good for you, old son.
09:04This is Barry.
09:05He runs the karaoke.
09:06Oh, delighted, I'm sure.
09:08Well, you're certainly packing them in tonight, Larry.
09:11Tell me, how much does an evening like this set you back?
09:17No, Arthur.
09:18Look, I wish you'd listened to me, Dave.
09:20No.
09:21Look, we could be the new Folly Berger.
09:23Little stage in the corner, lights dangling from the ceiling.
09:26We could clean up.
09:28Dave?
09:30You're barking.
09:31I'm not Dave.
09:32I smell a winner.
09:34No way.
09:35Why not?
09:36One, we do not have a music licence.
09:38Two, this year, well, it's a drinking club, not a palace of varieties.
09:42And three, I am the major shareholder, and I do not like it.
09:46Dave, be guided by me.
09:49Arthur, watch my lips.
09:51No.
09:52All right, all right.
09:53But don't blame me when you see others prosper because of your short-sightedness.
09:58I know, Arthur, I am a fool unto myself.
10:01Now, let's drop it.
10:03Dermot, my hand on my heart, 400.
10:06At the Rosencrown on Wednesday night.
10:08A rainy Wednesday night with football on the telly.
10:10Hello, hello, Monty.
10:11Arthur.
10:12Yeah, yeah, look, I want you to find him for me.
10:15Mystic Mickey, Tommy Pickford.
10:18Oh, never mind.
10:19Use your old contacts, but locate him.
10:20He doesn't know it yet, but he's about to make a comeback.
10:23Yeah, find me as soon as you know where he is.
10:26All right.
10:26Yeah.
10:26Hello.
10:28Oh, because of this car, what's it?
10:30Them little Pandora's boxes seem to speak to the very depths of your average youngster today.
10:35And they don't seem to care how much they pay for their lager as long as it's turned on.
10:39I don't know.
10:41They're to radically change the pub's atmosphere.
10:43Well, that's the whole object, Dermot.
10:44I mean, let's face it.
10:46You can make a French film in here most nights.
10:50What could you possibly want from a geth like this?
10:53Faith Raymond and other virtue moves mountains.
10:56Mrs. Gabbardini's may not be much on the peepers, but you are standing outside the Arads of Anselm.
11:02Ask Mrs. Gabbardini for an African elephant.
11:04She'll have it washed and scrubbed and in your lock-up within 24 hours.
11:20Look at all this gear.
11:21Amazing, isn't it?
11:22You want it, she's got it.
11:24And if she hasn't, she'll get it.
11:26I'll call you back.
11:28Look at these.
11:29Hey, hey, look at that.
11:30Look at that.
11:31What do you have?
11:33Mr. Daly.
11:35Mrs. Gabbardini.
11:36How nice to see you for so long.
11:38I'm used to the pleasure.
11:39And how well you look.
11:40So refined and so prosperous.
11:42Oh, can't complain.
11:43Penny here, penny there.
11:44And who is this handsome younger man you bring to visit an old lady?
11:49May I introduce my nephew, Raymond?
11:50Nephew I should have known.
11:52He has your fine aristocratic nose.
11:55He runs in the family.
11:57Nice to meet you.
11:59And how's Mr. Gabbardini?
12:01As ever.
12:02He eats, he sleeps, he watches the Queen's Park Rangers.
12:05He seems quite happy, but for Waggley misses a penalty in the Rumbelow's cup.
12:10Me.
12:11I don't even know what a Rumbelow is.
12:13You got me there too, Mrs. Gabbardini.
12:15And are they little Gabbardini's?
12:16Little black horses.
12:19They're outside all day tinkering with their cars.
12:23You hear about my eldest?
12:25Yes, I did.
12:25And I must say I think the judge was vindictive.
12:28At least I know where he is for the next two years.
12:31But let us talk of happier things.
12:34What brings you to my home after so long?
12:37Is it too early for a vodka with tonic?
12:39Oh no, certainly not, thank you.
12:41I'm looking for some rather specialised electrical goods.
12:50All right boys.
13:04Hello.
13:06We're looking for Tommy Pickford.
13:08That's me.
13:09Are you from the council?
13:11Daly and Inchcliffe, theatrical agents.
13:13Oh.
13:15You'd better come in.
13:17Tart.
13:19It's our lineage Cliff.
13:21Arthur, we're going to have to talk about our billing.
13:29I don't know.
13:30I'll have to think about this.
13:32I haven't been on stage for 15 years.
13:34It's probably just like riding a bike Tommy.
13:36Tart.
13:37It's easier for you to say Mr. Daly.
13:41Thank you very much Tommy.
13:45You were a quality act.
13:47Arguably the best vent in the country.
13:50I saw you play to 1500 people and they wouldn't let you leave the stage.
13:54Aye, they loved Mystic Mickey.
13:56He's still got a sack full of fan mail you know.
13:58What made you give it up Tommy?
14:01It was Grimsby 1976 I finally got the message.
14:04There were 15 in the audience and they were only there for the stripper.
14:08She was a nice girl but her talent started from the neck down.
14:12We died a slow death.
14:14I thought it's time to hang him up.
14:16The world's outgrown him.
14:17In our opinion the world has turned full circle.
14:21People are crying out for talents such as yours.
14:24Tommy Pickford, what we want you to do is pick up Mystic Mickey,
14:28stick your hand up his jacket and get practicing.
14:31After all these years.
14:35Do you think I could still do it?
14:36Um, can we see him?
14:38Mickey?
14:39Just for old times sake.
14:48He was handed down to me from my grandfather you know.
14:55Mystic Mickey.
14:56It's really him.
14:59He's nearly 100 years old.
15:02Get your hands to yourself.
15:06What a master.
15:15You Raymond?
15:17Who's asking?
15:18Tell Arthur 300 quid.
15:21One month's approval then we talk again.
15:23No names, no pack drill.
15:26And by the way, you've never seen me.
15:35Yeah, hold on.
15:46Who's that?
15:47I don't want to worry you, Arthur, but I think we just had a visit from the KGB.
15:51He left this.
15:52300.
15:53One month's approval and he doesn't want any pack drill.
15:55Mrs Gabardini's delivered.
15:57I must say I'm impressed with the speed of their service.
16:00What is it?
16:01One of your okey-cokey jobbies.
16:03Karaoke machine?
16:04Yeah.
16:04Is this what you ordered from Hounslow?
16:06The very same.
16:07But Arthur, this gear must be so hot you could fry your breakfast on it.
16:10I don't know what you're going on about.
16:11Mrs Gabardini is the sole of proprietary.
16:13So why were they cloak and dagger stuff from her son, eh?
16:16Oh, they're Italian, aren't they?
16:17Continental, like a bit of a dramatic, you know.
16:20Well, I knew there was something hatching under that trilby.
16:22What do you want with a karaoke machine?
16:24The daily karaoke and variety night.
16:27Better get it inside.
16:29Karaoke and what?
16:31The marriage of the modern with the traditional.
16:33Electronic sing-along for the youth,
16:35but for the more mature punter, musical.
16:37Are you sure you've thought this through, Arthur?
16:39In great detail.
16:41It's brown ales till nine o'clock
16:42and then three quid lagers till closing time.
16:45It's a goer.
16:48All set?
16:48Yeah, but you're gonna have to start soon.
16:50Where are they, then?
16:53I'm not sure I can go on with this with this today, will ya?
16:56Yeah, chin up, Tommy. The show must go on.
16:58I can't even remember how the act starts.
17:00Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
17:01I know that bit, Arthur. I meant the first gag.
17:04It's a microphone, innit?
17:05Aye.
17:06Hey, listen. Have a pull of this.
17:08It'll buck you up.
17:14Steady, steady, steady.
17:15You want to keep the ship on an even keel?
17:17Now, listen.
17:18As soon as you're finished, give Monty the nod.
17:20You start the karaoke, you sing the song,
17:23and that'll lead us nicely into the rest of the evening.
17:25Now, this worries me, Arthur. It's new material.
17:26I haven't done a new bit in 25 years.
17:28You knock them dead.
17:38Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
17:40On behalf of the Daily Inchcliffe organization,
17:42I'd like to welcome you to the inaugural night
17:45of the British Volunteer Karaoke and Variety Show.
17:48During the next few weeks, we hope to introduce to you
17:51a galaxy of stars for the past, present, and future.
17:54Well done.
17:54But tonight, it gives me particular pleasure
17:57to introduce an all-time great
18:00of the golden age of musical.
18:03Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together, please,
18:05for the man himself, the living legend, the maestro.
18:10He's forgotten his name.
18:11No, no, he's just giving him a big build-up.
18:13Professor Pickford and Mystic Mickey.
18:27You're gonna love this.
18:29Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
18:32I'd like to introduce you to Mystic Mickey.
18:35Say hello to the nice people, Mickey.
18:37No, no, no, look.
18:38You won't hear anything.
18:42He thinks he's gone deaf.
18:43Bloody hell, I've gone deaf.
18:46He's only the microphone.
18:49I haven't turned his microphone on.
18:52You'll turn it on now?
18:54Spare me the commentary.
18:56Good evening, Mickey.
18:58Did you hear what the young girl said to the sailor?
19:00No.
19:01That's right.
19:05Yeah.
19:05Give him a chance.
19:06Now, come on now.
19:07Don't be silly.
19:08Bloody stupid, if you ask me.
19:10I can't watch.
19:11This is gonna be carnage.
19:13Here, Sonny.
19:14Are you calling me stupid?
19:17Yeah.
19:18Well, you're the one talking to a piece of wood.
19:24He's staying here all evening.
19:26No, I'll just have to mop up the blood,
19:27then we can shoot off and get a ruby.
19:29Yeah, but I've got an early start tomorrow.
19:30Picking up some gear from Barry's.
19:32Great.
19:33What's the matter?
19:35I'll try it again.
19:37What's the matter?
19:39I love the way you pat.
19:41Makes you look like Ingrid Bergman.
19:42Well, it's not exactly Casablanca, is it?
19:45Sitting around in a West London boozer,
19:47looking forward to yet another chick in the draps.
19:49All right, all right.
19:50We'll go and get a Chinese.
19:51Whatever you want.
19:52Hey, light him up.
19:54We'll drink.
19:55I'll go.
19:56It's still a thought to bar me over round.
19:57The other who's the car...
19:59Are you ready?
20:00To do a spot of mind, really?
20:01I knew you were going to say that.
20:03I must start.
20:06I have in my hands a pack of cards.
20:08Did you hear what the young girl said to the sailor?
20:10You've already done that.
20:12That's right.
20:13How do you know?
20:13How did you know?
20:16There you go.
20:17Yes.
20:22Are you really going in with Barry?
20:25So that's what all this is about, is it?
20:27Gloria, you're the one who's always telling me to have more ambition.
20:29Branch out and not rely on Uncle Arthur so much.
20:32It's only a question.
20:33All right.
20:34Yeah, I am.
20:37Do you think that's a good idea?
20:38I can't keep up with this.
20:40One minute is get away from Arthur, then it's done get involved with Barrow.
20:42I just think Barry is a bit debatable.
20:45What do you mean, debatable?
20:48Dodgy.
20:49Dodgy?
20:50Let me tell you something, Gloria.
20:52Me and Barry finished school in the same year.
20:54I left with two O-levels, he left with the upcaps of the caretaker's motor.
20:58Then he went to work for his old man on his stall in the market.
21:00He now owns his own snooker club, got his hand in several local businesses and drives a BMW.
21:05Of course he's bloody dodgy.
21:10Now, tell me what this car means.
21:13Certainly not.
21:14Why?
21:15Because you haven't looked at it yet.
21:20Oh, I don't have a problem.
21:21Have you looked at it?
21:22Yes.
21:22What does it say?
21:24The Queen of Spades.
21:26Absolutely right.
21:28Oh, that's amazing.
21:29Here, hang on, hang on.
21:31Here.
21:31What did the young girl say to the sailor?
21:34Now, come off it.
21:35That's the third time tonight.
21:36How did you know that?
21:38I'm supposed to do the mind reader.
21:42Come off.
21:44Sing of your...
21:45Sing of your song.
21:48I'd like to sing a song that is very dear to me.
21:52Wooden Heart.
21:58Yeah, they love it.
21:59Course they do.
22:00You ever doubt it.
22:02Near a knuckle but never blue.
22:03Break my heart in two.
22:06That's not hard to do.
22:08Cause I don't have a wooden heart.
22:16Oh, if it starts going on a blink, just tell them to switch it on and off a few times
22:19at the wall switch.
22:20All right.
22:29There's your fee, Tommy.
22:31Crikey.
22:32That's the first money I've earned in 15 years.
22:34And there's plenty more where that came from.
22:37You can consider it a regular booking from now on.
22:39Regular?
22:40Yeah, you'll be at the pub tonight.
22:41Seven o'clock sharp.
22:42Don't want to keep your public waiting, eh?
22:45Like the old days, eh?
22:50What would a crowd in a volunteer see in an old bloke like him?
22:54Well, you don't see acts like that anymore.
22:56He's a very funny man.
23:00Dave, would you be interested in a general knowledge quiz machine for an air?
23:05No.
23:06Why not?
23:07Well, I wouldn't want to give my customers a crisis of confidence.
23:12Well, go on then. Have a go.
23:17Who was the leader of the Prussian forces at the Battle of Waterloo?
23:21How do I get the answer?
23:22Uh, press bonus.
23:26Kenny Dalgleish.
23:31Yeah, well, it takes a day or two to warm up.
23:41I don't know.
23:41.
23:43That's not good.
23:45That's not good.
23:46Thank you, Dave.
23:49Good job, Dave.
23:50Good job.
23:52.
23:55John, John.
23:56No.
23:56No.
23:56Do not have continued in the club.
24:05a bit light on punters tonight aren't we can't understand it usually chocker by now
24:19the way you played that audience was marvelous like an expert angler landing a salmon a triumph
24:24a veritable triumph here here cheers
24:33you all right tom i feel a bit short of breath no it's a brandy sit down yeah sit down
24:43i don't think i'm very well he needs some fresh air i better take him out come on
25:07it does look a bit rough arthur you better be at the club first thing in the morning
25:17you're all right you're gonna give me the air with all that gear
25:44hello little boy would you like a sweet suit
25:45hello little boy would you like a sweet suit
25:50but my mum always told me not to talk to strange women
25:54and there's none a stranger than you
26:10i must say you are marvelous tonight took me back years
26:17laugh and a song your risqué joke nothing filthy mind
26:24it's another age my poor old tommy's laid low
26:31youths are stuff that won't endure mickey
26:35but me i thought those days would never end
26:43those were the days my friend i thought they'd never end
26:51dee dee dee dee
26:54never will for you though you've been worried and all that
27:02you've been worried and all that you've been worried and all that you've been worried
27:03i'm very well thank you how are you
27:06i'm fine thank you what's your name
27:10my name's arthur what's yours arthur
27:14no no no that's my name oh my god
27:18oh good you found him then oh yeah
27:26i'm a bit worried about tommy
27:28i don't think he's gonna keep this up every night
27:30my very own thought mondy
27:32i think we must try and get hold of some more acts take the pressure off him
27:35how many people could you get down the club tomorrow tomorrow
27:38yeah there must be a wealth of mature talent out there they give their right arms to have a chance
27:47colin stamp
27:51ah what are you going to do for us colin
27:53good morning gentlemen i'm going to give you fair moon to thee i sing
27:58very nice who's that by
27:59gilbert and sullivan
28:01wouldn't we have that on a karaoke right
28:03well it's highly unlikely arthur
28:05oh oh never mind
28:06our backing arrangements are a bit ad hoc so you'll uh you just have to sing al fresco
28:11a cappello
28:12the tempo's up to him monty
28:14fire away
28:17fair moon to thee i sing bright region of the heavens say why is everything either at sixes or at
28:33sevens
28:46very nice colin one of my favorites look we're a bit pushed for time we've got all your details we'll
28:51be in touch thanks very much
28:52uh raymond can we have the next one please
28:54something wrong
28:55wrong it was dreadful
28:58how can you say that the boy's got a voice like an angel
29:01yeah and he'd very quickly end up as one if he sung like that down at the volunteer
29:08ah now this you're going to really like
29:10very modern bang up to date
29:13vernon and veronica
29:21actually veronica can't come she's had to go down to the bushes
29:43well i hope they finish up soon i've got a club to run
29:46there's only a couple more
29:48yeah well i can have another ten minutes
29:52yeah dave er
29:53have you given any more thought to that quiz machine
29:56no i did not
29:57so that's a definite no then
29:59yes
30:08thank you
30:09well you've got to imagine it with the attractive assistant
30:12yeah very effective i'm sure
30:14is that all right
30:14oh yeah fine
30:15well
30:21yeah he's very good very professional
30:23book him then
30:24yeah
30:25why not
30:26ten minutes of that would drive me up the wall
30:30some of those acts were very disappointing
30:32but most of them were retired
30:34haven't seen a stage in years
30:35yeah but they're professionals aren't they
30:36i mean they're supposed to keep in constant practice
30:38in case the ollywood producer comes on the blower
30:41yeah i can't see spielberg employing old vernon
30:43oh no
30:46we've been turned over
30:47i don't believe it
30:49oh god
30:51look at it
30:52oh the rotten little magpies
30:54they've had it away with the radio
30:55and a little bag of tempes has gone
30:57and all my havana cigars
30:59oh no
31:00all my personal paraphernalia
31:02i'm the citizen
31:03cannot have a moment's peace of mind
31:05everything gone
31:06i'm surprised they didn't take the carpet
31:07arthur
31:08i shall have a word to say to that sergeant morley
31:10the old city is becoming anarchic
31:12arthur
31:12roving bands of brigands
31:14nicking at will
31:15arthur
31:15what
31:15i didn't take the karaoke machine out the back last night
31:28arthur
31:28i'm so sorry i
31:29well i meant to take it out but
31:31i met up with gloria and we uh
31:34we ended up in shepherd's bush
31:36i'm really really sorry arthur
31:38all right ray all right
31:40into each life a little rain must fall
31:44thanks to your nocturnal activities with a fair sex
31:47i am now deep in the stilton
31:49with one of the more vicious families of west london
31:51i only hope this will be a lesson to you
31:53women are trouble
31:55arthur no no no no don't say it
31:57i have now got to ring mrs gabardini
31:59and break the bad news to her
32:00oh it will probably set me back a few hundred quid
32:03but what's that compared with you having a good time in the fleshpots of shepherd's bush
32:07yeah but that's the point arthur
32:09what's the point ray
32:09i think they're a bit pricier than that
32:11how much pricier
32:15dave dave
32:16what's the matter
32:16brandy quick
32:18he's out of turn
32:19ten thousand
32:21i'm ruined
32:22i'll have to wear me great
32:23take it easy arthur
32:24how could you how could you
32:27ten grand worth of stock
32:28and you leave it in the back of a wire edge transit
32:31oh lord take me now
32:33you're just gonna have to explain it to mrs gabardini
32:36that's right arthur
32:37you could tell her tonight she sounds a reasonable woman
32:40why why why is it me to always get
32:43what do you mean tell her tonight
32:45she just rang to accept your invitation to the karaoke
32:49oh
32:54hello
32:55i've come to see barry
33:01thank god i caught you
33:02you've got to do me a favour
33:03have i now
33:04i need a karaoke machine for the night
33:06look i know it's short notice
33:07but we've got a right flap on
33:08you serious
33:09well that's the deal ain't it
33:10i get the fair news
33:11you supply the machines
33:12when i said find new outlets ray
33:14i meant lewisham
33:15brent crossway
33:17not on my bloody front doorstep
33:18yeah i'm not with this
33:20do you know how many people were down my boozer last night
33:22fifteen
33:23fifth bloody teen
33:24you know why
33:25because some comical koala set up a karaoke evening of his own
33:29not five streets away
33:30hang on it had nothing to do with me
33:32you've got some front
33:33not only do you nick all my punters
33:35you want one of my machines to entertain them with
33:37look i'll be straight with you
33:39it was arthur's idea to set all that up
33:40but i promise you
33:41you rent me a machine for the night
33:43and i'll make sure that's the last karaoke night they have down the volunteer
33:47well what'd you say barrel
33:48yeah that's another thing
33:50don't call me barrel
33:52plus i owe you one
33:53you name it
33:53any time you want to call it in
33:54ray daly owes you
34:03did you get one
34:03yeah
34:04oh thank god for that
34:05where is it
34:06what's in the van
34:06in the van in the van go and get it
34:08before it gets nicked
34:08you're all right i'm going
34:10ray i couldn't stand another nicking
34:12my nerves are shot to pieces
34:13my blood runs cold
34:14at the thought of them gabbi adini boys putting on their leather gloves
34:21i'd like you to pick on a member of the audience
34:24hey you with the big ooter
34:26do you want to fight
34:28i mean select a member of the audience and read their mind
34:36you madam
34:50oh you dirty doggers
34:53i just hope your husband doesn't find out
34:57how do you explain the extra milk
35:00hey hey leave the lady alone
35:05and so you're back
35:06from outer space
35:08i just want you to find you here with that sad look upon your face
35:12i should have changed and we've been trying
35:14that's my life
35:17you'll be back tomorrow
35:20oh professor pitbull
35:23for such a long time i have not enjoyed myself as much as this
35:26so much laughter and gaiety
35:28it made me feel quite young again
35:30oh come now i'm sure you're not a day over thirty
35:32oh if only
35:34don't you worry pet
35:35there's many a good tune played on an old fiddle
35:38there may be a bit of snow on the roof
35:40well i'll bet there's some fire left down below
35:42don't you think you'll put miggy in his box
35:44oh why
35:46see you later
35:50i'm so glad you enjoyed yourself
35:53by the way
35:55where is my machine
35:57sorry
35:57my karaoke
35:59is an fxsit
36:00the one you used tonight for the 40-20 team
36:05um
36:05yeah we um
36:07we had a wire come out
36:08we're getting it repaired
36:09why did you not bring it back to me
36:11oh it's only a minor fault
36:12i insist
36:13bring it round on friday
36:15we will attend to it
36:16but there's no
36:17there is no reason why you are not able to bring it round is there
36:21no
36:22good
36:24friday then
36:36who's there
36:38where are you doing here
36:39i'm calling in my favour now
36:42already
36:42Yeah, I need some transport for tomorrow. Take some gear to Luton.
36:46Luton?
36:47Yeah, Trev the complete prat. Smashed up the exhaust of our van.
36:50I was gonna hire a new one, but then I thought, no, you could save me the expense, as you
36:56owe me one.
36:57Fair enough. But then we're quits, yeah?
37:00Good boy.
37:05Any spare cash you'd like to put in half of before I cash up?
37:09No, no, Dave. You know I do my bit.
37:12I have a more pressing charity, closer to home.
37:16Hey, Dave.
37:18How would you like to take advantage of my present cash flow problem
37:21and buy me out of the Winchester for a mere 10k?
37:27Arthur, you haven't paid me for your share.
37:30Oh.
37:32Trevor, get down here and help Ray get this machine loaded.
37:36And Ray, I want it back here by tonight.
37:38Yeah, you never said anything about bringing it back.
37:41I thought it was obvious.
37:41You mean I've got to drive all the way back to Luton?
37:44No, no, you've got to stay there with it.
37:45Oh, fine.
37:46Thanks a bunch.
37:47And I've got to unpool that gear on me own.
37:48Nope.
37:49Trevor's going with you.
37:52Oh, great.
38:00Come on, Trev.
38:05You can put that out.
38:06What?
38:07That disgusting pit prop you've got in your mouth.
38:09Now put it out.
38:10I'm not having you polluting the air all the way up to Luton.
38:13It's bad enough having to put up with Arthur's all day.
38:19Here, shove the radio on.
38:21You ain't got?
38:23Brand new.
38:24Put it in yesterday.
38:33Lester, these are collector's items.
38:36Quality sundials designed by one of London's premier young artists.
38:41What do you mean you don't get much sun in Aberdeen?
38:43We're not talking functional.
38:44We're talking heirlooms.
38:45Yeah, like you're getting the Sunday glosses.
38:48150 quid for a bit of heritage.
38:50Lester?
38:51Lester?
38:52Arthur.
38:53Where the hell have you been?
38:55Luton.
38:55Luton?
38:56My life is hanging by a thread and you go jaunting off to Luton.
38:58Never mind that.
38:59Give us one of your cigars.
39:00Certainly not.
39:01It'll stunt your growth.
39:02I'm not going to smoke it.
39:03Come on.
39:03Just hand it over.
39:05What for?
39:08Not one of these.
39:09One of your more upmarket ones.
39:11Oh, and there's one there.
39:13But what do you want it for?
39:16That's it.
39:17Oh, you be careful with that.
39:19They've just gone up again.
39:27There you go.
39:28Where are you going now?
39:29To see a friend.
39:50What's Staley doing upstairs?
39:52He nearly broke my arm.
39:53I'm going to break your neck.
40:00Hello, Barrel.
40:01Ray.
40:03So what brings you here?
40:05What to the point?
40:07Who brought this here?
40:09You've been a bit devious, haven't you, Barrel?
40:12There's me running up and down the M1,
40:14paying off the favour of you lending me a karaoke machine.
40:17When all the time you're the slag who's nicked house in the first place.
40:21Isn't that ironic?
40:22So?
40:23What you gonna do about it?
40:25Shot me?
40:26Nah, that ain't my style.
40:28Don't threaten me, Daley.
40:30You wanna rock, I'll have 20 geezers up here with snooker cues,
40:32softening your head.
40:34Hey, who's threatening?
40:35It ain't my machine.
40:37Now, let's go downstairs and have a drink.
40:40Just you and me.
40:43Everything all right, Barry?
40:44Disappear.
40:46Move.
40:58Well, this is cosy.
40:59Let's get down with it, Ray.
41:01What's on your mind?
41:02A deal.
41:04Well, that depends on you.
41:06You see, I went in with you for a bit of independence.
41:09Branching out, as you might say.
41:10And I end up working for nothing.
41:12That's worse than working for me uncle.
41:14Now, it seems to me you're sitting on a very valuable piece of equipment up there.
41:18And me, I've still got nothing.
41:21Go on.
41:22My plan is we flog it and split the profit.
41:25And how do we do that?
41:27Well, I just happen to know a place not two stops on the North London line
41:30that offers top dollar for that kind of gear.
41:31No questions asked.
41:34So I'm happy.
41:36You're happy.
41:37And Uncle Arthur?
41:39He'll get over it.
41:55Gloria, look, I'm really pressed.
41:56We need to talk.
41:57Hang on.
41:57I'll drop home and see you later.
41:58But you give me five minutes of your time, Ray Dalio,
42:01you'll be singing soprano.
42:02I haven't heard from you for days.
42:05I won't be a minute, lads.
42:06Dear, oh, dear.
42:07Well under the farm.
42:11Look, what can I say?
42:12I've been so busy.
42:13And I've had a lot of time to think.
42:15Don't look at your watch.
42:18How big is your flag?
42:20Small.
42:21Exactly.
42:21Well, so is mine.
42:22We need a place big enough for two.
42:24Do we?
42:24Yes, we do.
42:27Look, this is just a really bad moment.
42:30Oh, is it?
42:30Really?
42:31Well, when is a good moment?
42:33Our next evening down the pub?
42:34Or the next curry?
42:35Or the next?
42:36I know what you're saying.
42:38Well, what are we going to do about it?
42:43We'll talk about it.
42:45Talk?
42:46Talk?
42:47Well, great.
42:47You give me a call when you've got five minutes free.
42:49Yeah, now don't be like that.
42:51I'm serious, Ray.
42:53I need commitment.
42:54I know.
42:55I know.
42:56I've just got a little job to do.
42:58Okay.
43:00Well, I know where I stand.
43:03Gloria?
43:17Bit of a dump, innit?
43:20Well?
43:22Well, what?
43:23Well, get out and help him.
43:41Mr. Daly.
43:42Mrs. Gabbardini.
43:43I've bought the merchandise.
43:45This is Mr. Powell.
43:49Mr. Daly tells me you have a proposition for me.
43:52Ray, um, Mr. Daly, tells me you're interested in specialist goods.
43:57So we brought them here for you to, um, view.
44:00I see.
44:11Very interesting.
44:13Good condition.
44:14Hardly used at all.
44:15These assistants are very expensive, no?
44:18Fifteen grand new.
44:20Lot of money.
44:21And how much are you asking, Mr. Powell?
44:26Nine thousand.
44:27And for this price, how do I know I have no unpleasantness from the authorities?
44:33I don't understand.
44:34What Mrs. Gabbardini means is that if we agree a deal, afterwards we forget the name of Gabbardini.
44:39Understood?
44:40Oh, absolutely.
44:41I think we have a deal.
44:43Of sorts.
44:46One karaoke machine returned as promised.
44:48And the balance of the rental.
44:50Been a pleasure doing business with you, Mrs. Gabbardini.
44:52As always.
44:54Very educational.
44:56Barry, thank you for delivering the machine I rented from this good lady.
45:00Truly Samaritan.
45:01Come on, Ray.
45:02We mustn't dawdle.
45:03Tempers fidget, as you Italians say.
45:15You see, there's more than one way to fry a fish.
45:19You don't have to go in with your fists flying.
45:22Thank you, Arthur.
45:23I'll try and remember that.
45:27So we've had to wrap up the daily Inchcliffe management here for the time being.
45:33I'm sorry, Tommy.
45:35Oh, don't fuss yourself, Arthur.
45:37To tell the truth, I don't think the actor has stood up to playing the same house week after week
45:41any road.
45:42I could feel him going stale on me.
45:45Best for everybody all round.
45:47Always had a time on to make tracks.
45:50Oh, by the way.
45:52A little something from me and Monty.
45:54Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
45:56Oh, go on.
45:56That's your entitlement.
46:00Thank you, Tommy.
46:02No, no, I mean it.
46:04It was great to get one last crack at him.
46:07I'll always be grateful to you for that.
46:08You'll always be the greatest.
46:10Best I ever saw.
46:13Tell her, Tommy.
46:15Bye.
46:16Bye-bye.
46:17Bye-bye, Mickey.
46:18Get out of it, you sentimental old fool.
46:26A salary lesson, Leonard.
46:29For everything there is a seasoning, and the days of variety are gone.
46:33Monty and me were interfering with the laws of nature.
46:36One lump or two, Arthur.
46:38Oh, two, please, Len.
46:39Though I like to think of it as a noble experiment
46:43to capture for a brief moment the glory that was musical.
46:47It nearly cost me my daimler.
46:50Hello, playmates.
46:52Hi, there you go.
46:53Can I do you now, sir?
46:57I've just booked two weeks in Spain.
47:00Lot of vino, little golf.
47:01Wonderful.
47:03You going away this year, Arthur?
47:04Abroad?
47:05I shoot cocoa.
47:06With this green and pleasant land on our doorstep.
47:09Now we're going up to her indoor sister.
47:10She's got a caravanette in King's Lynn.
47:12I've always enjoyed the continent.
47:15Remember those tramping holidays?
47:16Oh, no, they were holidays.
47:18Rucksack on your back, you could go anywhere in Europe for 30 bucks.
47:21Yeah, there's an idea, Arthur.
47:24Tramping holidays.
47:25I don't want to hear it, Monty.
47:26The past is best left to memory.
47:28Our lost youth should remain so.
47:30No more bright ideas.
47:32I just want to enjoy my coffee in peace.
47:37Get another lump, please, Len.
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