- 28 minutes ago
First broadcast 6th January 1994.
Arthur pawns his holidaying wife's jewels to buy a job lot of fridge freezers, though the money was ear-marked for purchasing a fleet of mopeds for the fearsome Pizza Man.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Linal Haft - Mervyn Kravitz
Lesley Duff - Lucy Conti
Paul Reynolds - Gino
Che Walker - Marty
Tony Steedman - Tewkesbury
Shaun Dingwall - Wayne
Jim McManus - Brian
Christopher Owen - Mr. Gordon
Dilys Watling - Mrs. Kravitz
Christopher Driscoll - Fire Chief (as Chris Driscoll)
Iona Kennedy - Bingo Ticket Girl
Nick Gillard - Queen
Colin Wyatt - Madonna
Iris Fry - Secretary
Arthur pawns his holidaying wife's jewels to buy a job lot of fridge freezers, though the money was ear-marked for purchasing a fleet of mopeds for the fearsome Pizza Man.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Linal Haft - Mervyn Kravitz
Lesley Duff - Lucy Conti
Paul Reynolds - Gino
Che Walker - Marty
Tony Steedman - Tewkesbury
Shaun Dingwall - Wayne
Jim McManus - Brian
Christopher Owen - Mr. Gordon
Dilys Watling - Mrs. Kravitz
Christopher Driscoll - Fire Chief (as Chris Driscoll)
Iona Kennedy - Bingo Ticket Girl
Nick Gillard - Queen
Colin Wyatt - Madonna
Iris Fry - Secretary
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02I don't know.
00:37Arthur, if you don't shift those motors soon, you're going to end up with a scrapyard, not a car front.
00:41Shush.
00:42No, no, no, no, not you.
00:43No, but when I heard you were in the market for a fleet of scooters,
00:46I thought to myself, if the pizza man is not very careful,
00:50somebody's going to land him with a load of old rubbish.
00:52Pizza man?
00:53You know what I mean?
00:55Young lads hurtling through the city on death traps?
00:58Well, the point is, I have access to a stock of nearly new quality mopeds fresh off the ferry from
01:04Italy.
01:04Arthur, you're not doing business with the pizza man.
01:06You shut up, I'm punting you.
01:08Look, just think, your delivery lads could be winging their way up the contraflows
01:12with their steaming panniers distributing your wares before you could save pepperoni.
01:16Arthur, the man is from Sicily.
01:18What do you say?
01:18I am prepared to give you a generous discount for exclusive supply.
01:23Well, don't wait too long.
01:24A golden dragon has been refurbished and I'm expecting a request from a Mr. Wan.
01:29Right, well, I will be here.
01:31Right.
01:34Oot.
01:34Got him.
01:35Look, will you not Twitter on when I'm on the phone?
01:37It puts me off my stroke.
01:38Arthur, you've got to be careful.
01:40The pizza business is just the front.
01:41Everybody knows that.
01:42What do you mean?
01:43To keep the family employed, capisce?
01:46Don't be so melodramatic.
01:47Perfectly respectable businessman.
01:49A little over-enthusiastic occasionally.
01:51What's all this about bikes anyway?
01:52Motor scooters, to be precise.
01:54Minimum fuss, maximum profit.
01:56Arthur, you don't have any motor scooters.
01:58No, but I know a man who does.
02:02Good shot, Mervyn.
02:04Still topping it.
02:05Too much bottom hand.
02:07Yeah, perhaps a smidge.
02:08To get back to the motor scooters...
02:10It's Colston, Newcastle, isn't it?
02:12Selling wheels to Arthur daily.
02:13Well, I told you, it's a specialised order.
02:16Do you think you could arrange something suitable?
02:17I don't know where I can lay my hands on some yet.
02:21Have to be clean.
02:22Squeaky.
02:23What am I looking at?
02:24Per units go.
02:26In total.
02:39Oh, no, I was thinking more, er...
02:45Add two, Tom.
02:45Done.
02:46When?
02:47As soon as the cabbage is on the table.
02:48I'll drop it round.
02:49You still out Arrow, eh?
02:51You won't recognise it, Arthur.
02:53Landscape garden, pond stuffed with koi carp.
02:56I've been chucking money at her.
02:57Tell you what, drop round early.
02:59I'll show you the new games room.
03:01I'll look forward to it, Mervyn.
03:02Oh, Mervyn?
03:04I've got some very nice tart gnats in the lock-up,
03:06if you're interested.
03:07Red pom-poms.
03:09Very Sam Sneed.
03:10Whoops.
03:11Bottom hand again.
03:15Fridge freezers, Brian.
03:16No, I'm not interested.
03:18You said if ever I heard of anything tasty,
03:19to let you know, well, this is it.
03:20Well, that may be so,
03:21but I'm in the middle of very sensitive negotiations
03:23at the moment with another venture.
03:25And as such, my capital is spoken for.
03:28Another time, perhaps.
03:29There won't be another time, Arthur.
03:31It's a one-off.
03:32It'd be criminal to miss it.
03:33Yeah, that's another worry.
03:35The criminality.
03:35No, this is it.
03:36They're spotless.
03:37The goods have returned, right?
03:39So, for some reason,
03:40they never got re-booked onto the warehouse computer.
03:43So?
03:43So, if they don't show up on the company manifest,
03:45they don't exist.
03:46I'm sorry to say this, Brian,
03:47but I find the whole thing a little implausible.
03:50I mean, you do not get a lorry load of fridge freezers
03:52going walkabout
03:52without a certain amount of concern
03:54on the part of the owners.
03:55No, the only people who go about this
03:56are you and me
03:57and a couple of my mates back in Brum.
03:59No, I'm sorry, Brian.
04:00No, I'll tell you what I'll do.
04:01I'll put the word around
04:02and see if anybody else will buy it.
04:03What are you asking for them?
04:04For you.
04:04Uh-uh.
04:05Walls have ears.
04:07Write it on there.
04:08Per unit.
04:17What have you been doing to help me out, Arthur?
04:19I mean, I've got them in the back of my lorry
04:20outside my house in Edgbaston.
04:22I can't get back to work until they're shifting.
04:24Yeah, hold your horses, Brian.
04:25Hold your horses.
04:26I see your dilemma.
04:28Look, I don't like to see a bloke up to Swanee,
04:30so I'll tell you what I'll do.
04:31For a 20% knockdown,
04:33I'll take them off your hands.
04:3420%?
04:35You do deliver, I take it.
04:37Yeah, sure.
04:38Yeah, fine.
04:39Thanks very much, Arthur.
04:40I'll just go and get on the phone.
04:45Like sweets from an infant, eh, Arthur?
04:47One does have a knack for the haggle, Dave.
04:49I thought that money was marked down
04:51for the bikes for the pizza man.
04:53Right, I'm sure the pizza man
04:54will give me a little leeway.
04:55The pizza man?
04:58Gino's.
05:01I'll keep an eye on the board, Gino.
05:03Miss it, and we've got another hour's wait.
05:05I'm watching, I'm watching.
05:06Hey, Markley, how's the acting going?
05:08You got any movies in the pipeline?
05:09I'm eyeing the chair all night.
05:10Don't ask, mate.
05:11I guys out for this job the other day, right?
05:13Soup commercial.
05:14Yeah, some right-lookers on Lane 18.
05:16And the geezer directing
05:17is younger than me, right?
05:19Rodney.
05:20Ponytail, mouth full of marbles.
05:22And he says to me,
05:23I want you to imagine
05:24you're a chicken.
05:26So I'm out of the door, aren't I?
05:28He says, are we a problem?
05:29I says, we certainly do, Rodney.
05:31I'm from Felton.
05:32I reckon you made a good chicken.
05:34Come on, there's three of them on your own.
05:36Hey, Gino,
05:37it's not pulling out of the youth club.
05:39I'm here for the bowling.
05:40Yeah.
05:41Yeah, all right.
05:46Same again, Arthur.
05:47No, no, no more, Dave.
05:48There are enterprises afoot tonight
05:50for which I have to keep a level head.
05:51You don't know where that wayward nephew of mine is, do you?
05:54Yeah, he's up these throwaways.
05:55He's gone bowling.
05:56Bowling?
05:57He's a bit young for that lark, isn't he?
05:58It's all pipes and palomar hats.
06:00Has he retired?
06:01Ten-pin bowling, Arthur.
06:03Well, you're not being very pleased with yourself.
06:05Dave, I have a feeling the wind is about to billow my sails
06:08and send me cruising out of the doldrums.
06:10Well, let us hope so.
06:11Because if you know who finds out about you know what...
06:14All right, Dave.
06:15Point taken.
06:18There's two in it, Ray.
06:19You need a strike.
06:30Up you get, Gino.
06:33Gino!
06:35I don't believe it.
06:36What's the matter?
06:37It's only the old lady.
06:39What, the girlfriend?
06:40Worse, me mother.
06:41I don't believe it.
06:43It's come all mummed up.
06:45I've never asked her.
06:46She's always doing this.
06:47Hello, darling.
06:48What are you doing here?
06:50You forgot your inhaler.
06:51He gets a bit chesty, especially when he drinks.
06:55Those bowls are heavy, aren't they, love?
06:57It's my shower.
06:58Can I get you anything, Mrs. Conti?
06:59It's Thursday.
07:00I could murder a lager and lime.
07:02Why aren't you a bingo?
07:03It's been cancelled.
07:04You having a good bowl?
07:05Here, do you want to join in?
07:06I'll put you up, right?
07:08Oh, I don't want to crank your style.
07:11He doesn't want his old mum hanging around, does he?
07:13You off then.
07:14Come on, what do you do with a fool?
07:17I'll get some shoes.
07:19What do you do that for?
07:21You don't mind your mummy hanging about, do you?
07:23Yeah, mummy can hold you around while you're bowling.
07:25Get off.
07:26Ray?
07:28Arthur?
07:30Who's Arthur?
07:31It's his uncle, Arthur.
07:32Uncle?
07:34You two are seriously sad people.
07:43I tell you, Arthur, I want a night off in loot for this.
07:45Look, mine is not a nine-till-five outfit.
07:47You've got to learn to be more flexible.
07:49You're a slave to pleasure, you are.
07:50What, a game of tempering bowling?
07:52Exactly.
07:52Life is not all beer and skittles.
07:54It's a waste of money.
07:55More mature years will teach you to cast your bread on the waters.
07:58Yeah, once it goes soggy and sink.
08:07Here we go.
08:10Strictly between you and me.
08:12I couldn't have paid less for these fridges.
08:14I'm going to make a killing.
08:27Fridges.
08:29Money.
08:30Raymond, help Brian.
08:37In a normal course of things, I wouldn't bring it up,
08:40but I am experiencing a slight cash flow hiccup.
08:43You're not oiling out of the deal?
08:45Oh, far from it, far from it.
08:47No, I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a long, fruitful association.
08:50Because wheels have been set in motion if you follow my drift.
08:53Well, the upshot is, I was wondering,
08:56I mean, if it's au fait with you...
08:58What?
08:59Could I pay cash on delivery?
09:01You know my methods, cash up front.
09:03No, no, hear me out, Mervyn, hear me out.
09:04I mean, I wouldn't expect you to accommodate me, Gratis.
09:07I mean, there will be some sort of compensation for your goodwill.
09:10What?
09:10I am prepared to bung in a sweetener in anticipation of your flexibility.
09:14What is it?
09:14A state-of-the-art, self-defrosting, twin-compartment, fridge-freezer.
09:20Detachable vegetable tray, ice-making facilities, built-in drinks dispenser.
09:25Set you back a small fortune in the ice-street.
09:27Don't come the fence with me.
09:28Mervyn, and on art, I can guarantee their pedigrees are flawless.
09:32Now, you do this small favour for me, and one of these little beauties will be nestling in the corner
09:37of Mrs. Kravitz's utility room, and not a dent in your wallet.
09:40And what guarantees do I have that you'll cough when I'm scooted up?
09:44Mervyn, what of trust?
09:48That's it.
09:49No.
09:50But what of trust?
09:53No, no, no.
09:54All I'm telling you is no self-respecting businessman would consider delivering goods without cash up front these days.
09:59Yeah, why can't you use the pay phone?
10:01It's the pizza man.
10:03Do you know how many companies are going bust through extended, unsecured credit?
10:09No, no, no.
10:09All I'm saying is if you will just stump up the cash, you will have the bikes within 24 hours.
10:18Young up.
10:19Ah, what's the problem?
10:21The pizza man won't give me the money until I give him the bikes.
10:24Mervyn won't give me the bikes until I give him the money.
10:27If I could get the money from the pizza man to give to Mervyn, then Mervyn could give me the
10:30bikes to give to the pizza man.
10:31It's all perfectly simple.
10:33Well, I thought you was giving Mervyn the money from the pawn shop to pay for the bikes for the
10:37pizza man.
10:37No, I gave that to Brian to pay for the fridges.
10:39I thought you was buying them fridges from Brian with the profits you made from the pizza man after you
10:44bought the bikes from Mervyn.
10:45I can't buy the bikes from Mervyn until I get the money from the pizza man.
10:48For the fridges?
10:49No, for the bikes.
10:52Sorry I asked now.
10:54Yeah, Arthur, what's all that about?
10:56Oh, no, no, no, I can't go through all that again.
10:59You tell him, Dave.
11:00Arthur's stuffed.
11:13Yeah?
11:13Where's Daly?
11:14You're looking at him.
11:15I want the grinder, not the monkey.
11:18Tell me, Sonic, do you want to take your teeth home in an envelope, pal?
11:20Right.
11:22Sparky boy, you got here, Arthur?
11:23It's his diet, Merv.
11:24Too many additives.
11:25What can I do for you?
11:27You've got yourself a deal.
11:28You'll take a fridge?
11:29Yeah.
11:29I knew you'd change your mind.
11:31I haven't.
11:32Mrs. Kravitz found your brochure.
11:34Oh, did I leave it lying around?
11:36Yes, you did, in her utility room.
11:38But this is a one-off, understood?
11:40I'll get the bikes, and as soon as I deliver, it's cash on the nail, and no more favours.
11:45Done.
11:53Loved up the fridge, Ray.
11:54Things are looking up.
11:56I'll have another pot for the pizza man.
12:01Yeah, how did you persuade the pizza man to pay up front?
12:04Appeal to his lad in generosity.
12:08Yeah, and it worked.
12:09No, of course it didn't.
12:10I had to give him an hefty discount.
12:18Oh, blimey.
12:19Tea leafing obviously pays well.
12:21Have a care, Ray.
12:22As far as the neighbours are concerned, Mervyn's into property.
12:25Oh, he is.
12:26Just happens to be other people's.
12:33I say, you there, the man with the hat.
12:36Me?
12:36Yes, you.
12:37You're standing in my seedling penis.
12:40I beg your pardon?
12:41You've got your great boots in my ornamental border.
12:43Oh, I do beg your pardon.
12:44What do you want?
12:45We're looking for the lady of the house.
12:47I am Mrs. Kravitz.
12:49Oh, we've come to deliver your fridge freezer.
12:51Oh, didn't you see the sign?
12:53Tradesman's entrance at rear.
12:56Tradesman?
12:58There's a boot scrape.
13:01Sorry?
13:01Honestly, you tread all over my flower bed,
13:04and then you proceed to walk it into the house.
13:09Hold up, Ray.
13:14I suppose you'll be requiring a mug of tea.
13:17Oh, a cup of rosalie.
13:18Go down a treat, Mock.
13:19Ray.
13:20I'd like to point out that far from being a tradesman,
13:23I am in fact a close friend and business associate of Mr. Kravitz.
13:26Doesn't surprise me, in the least.
13:28You won't get much change from a quid with her, would you?
13:31Tradesman.
13:32Crombie alone's worth 200 quid.
13:34Come on.
13:48What's your time?
13:51It's about half one.
13:53Yeah?
13:53Come, if these deals are always as pure as the driven,
13:55always done in the dead of night and out of the way places.
13:58Mervyn is a very careful man.
14:00What's all that?
14:02The pizza man's capital.
14:04After Mervyn, for the mopeds,
14:05and the rest, for me.
14:07Clear profit.
14:08I think I deserve a little pat on the back for this one.
14:10Yeah, and me, two weeks wages.
14:12Here we are.
14:13Bang on time.
14:19Give him a triple flash.
14:23Give him a triple flash.
14:44You may count it if you wish.
14:46I will not be offended.
14:48Raymond.
14:59That's a fast, sonny.
15:00I think I've got some help.
15:02All right.
15:10All right.
15:12That's enough.
15:23No, no, no, let's not be hasty, Mervyn.
15:27I went down the supermarket yesterday.
15:30Bought a leg of lamb, chump chops,
15:32black forest gateau,
15:34a few bottles of champagne,
15:35over a hundred quid's worth of nose bag.
15:38Got home, loaded up your fridge,
15:39and a can of ice-cold lager.
15:43Went to bed.
15:44What?
15:44You on medication?
15:46Unbeknownst to me,
15:47downstairs,
15:48your fridge is going critical.
15:50Having a meltdown.
15:52Fused the house,
15:53flooded my new games room
15:55before bursting into flames,
15:56reducing Maureen's utility suite
15:58to a burnt-out shell.
16:00But,
16:01for the vigilance of the next-door neighbour,
16:03Maureen and me would have been charcoal grilled
16:05in our beds.
16:07Oh, dear.
16:08This.
16:09I am taking as compensation.
16:13Are you on the bikes?
16:14Get your hand in your pocket.
16:15Mervyn.
16:24What a car, but.
16:25The entire wedge.
16:27Everything the pizza man gave me,
16:29straight into Mervyn's pocket.
16:30The injustice of it.
16:31That's the last of the bikes.
16:33Is it all right if I shoot off?
16:34Yeah, might as well.
16:35I've done enough damage for one night.
16:37You what?
16:37I don't hold it against you.
16:39Well, what have I done?
16:40It's your fridge.
16:41You plumbed it in.
16:42Arthur,
16:42I plugged it in.
16:44Like this.
16:45And then I've switched it on like this
16:47and nothing else.
16:48Well, it's not my fault
16:49if it's a disguised incendiary device,
16:50is it?
16:51Oh, you must have got your wires crossed.
16:53Listen, Arthur,
16:53you're the one with the wires crossed
16:54for buying them in the first place.
16:55All I know is your handiwork's cost me a bundle.
16:59You're impossible, aren't you?
17:00As soon as anything goes wrong,
17:02you always start looking around
17:02for someone else to blame.
17:03And I'm always the handiest.
17:05Well, I tell you, I'm off.
17:06That's right,
17:06the rat leaving the sinking ship.
17:10And who are you calling a rat?
17:12It's just a metaphor.
17:13Well, keep your metaphors to yourself
17:15and come on,
17:15I want some wages.
17:16Well, charming.
17:17Kick a man when he's down.
17:18Arthur, I've just shifted...
17:19Hold on.
17:21We're going up.
17:22Oh, yeah.
17:25Hey, no, no,
17:26not the cashmere car, right?
17:28Use your jacket.
17:28Leave it out, Arthur.
17:32Is it out?
17:35Yeah, I think so.
17:36Oh, that does it.
17:37The ball is on the roof.
17:38I can't possibly flog those.
17:40I'll be done for manslaughter.
17:42Now we know why
17:42they return up to the warehouse.
17:44Oh, God.
17:45It could have been worse.
17:46It could have caught
17:46the petrol tanks
17:47on one of them bikes.
17:49Yeah, and I bet
17:49they're not insured.
17:55Yeah, but it's only a short hiatus.
17:58Yeah, I know you've paid,
18:00but a fault has been found
18:01in the carburette opinions
18:03and they've been recalled
18:04in a factory.
18:06Milan, I think.
18:08A pizza man.
18:10Look, it's only for a matter
18:11of a few days.
18:12Look, I'll give you
18:13my word of honour.
18:20I didn't know he had
18:21such a command
18:22of the English language.
18:23I thought you'd
18:24taken possession
18:25of them bikes.
18:26I have.
18:26Well, it might sound
18:27a bit simple, Arthur,
18:28but why don't you
18:29just give them to the pizza man
18:30and save yourself
18:31a lot of aggromation?
18:32Dave, those bikes
18:33are at present
18:34my only collateral.
18:36I intend to make them pay.
18:41The contractor
18:42that installed these doors
18:43said there will be
18:44a certain amount of play
18:46in the hinges
18:46as a part of the design.
18:48Really?
18:49Yeah, I mean,
18:49anyone fiddling with it
18:50will make a hell of a racket.
18:52So, I see.
18:53Not that that's likely
18:54to happen.
18:54We have a very active branch
18:55of neighbourhood watch
18:56round here.
18:58Plus the fact that
18:59I have the advantage
19:00of being a prominent landmark
19:02on the beat
19:03of the local constabulary.
19:05On a good day,
19:06a flatty passes those gates
19:08every hour on the hour.
19:10I'm very fortunate.
19:12In fact,
19:12I don't know why
19:13I'm bothering
19:13to insure a place at all.
19:16Have you had a fire recently?
19:18No, no, no.
19:19No, no.
19:22Ah, yes.
19:23But under strictly
19:24controlled conditions.
19:26See, this is my
19:26product testing area.
19:28Is it?
19:29Yeah, every item
19:29that leaves these premises
19:31undergoes strict safety checks.
19:32I mean, these fridges,
19:33for example.
19:34I've had my boys
19:34go over these
19:35with a blowtorch.
19:35I mean, you can see
19:36they limit the amount
19:37of spread.
19:38Why don't you do it outside?
19:40Very perceptive question.
19:41I'm glad you asked that.
19:42My principle is
19:44that all tests
19:45should be conducted
19:46under conditions
19:47that nearest the proximate
19:48to the punders.
19:50I mean,
19:50you don't keep a fridge
19:51in the garden, do you?
19:52No, you're not.
19:53So, what we're looking at
19:54in terms of a premium?
19:55I mean, bearing in mind
19:56that the premises
19:56are occupied
19:57all but seven hours a day
19:58and I'm considering
19:59getting a Doberman.
20:01Mr. Daly,
20:02I wouldn't insure you
20:03if you had the Archangel
20:05Gabriel himself
20:05guarding your premises.
20:14Excessive clay
20:15in main access door mountain.
20:16Do you know there are companies
20:17that would turn you down
20:18for having doors like this.
20:20Oh, they do make me laugh.
20:21I mean, what did they expect?
20:22Godzilla to go on the rampage
20:23in Wilsden?
20:26It's got a lock on it,
20:27hasn't it?
20:27I'm only saying it's a bit loose.
20:28Yeah, but there's nothing
20:29wrong with that door.
20:31Ha, ha.
20:32Ah, yeah, and the prices
20:33they're asking.
20:35The premium's very near
20:36the value of the goods
20:38being insured.
20:39Well, you're getting
20:39under that gobbins
20:40from Tewksbury's.
20:42A fair day's whack
20:43for a fair day's work.
20:44That's my motto.
20:45That's a very refreshing attitude,
20:47Mr. Tewksbury.
20:48So, you can sleep sound
20:50in your bed
20:50knowing that your bits
20:51and bobs are covered
20:52at a price you can afford.
20:54So, what are we looking at?
20:55Ah, fire cover.
20:57Yes, please.
20:57Flooding.
20:58Storm damage.
21:01Accident.
21:02Vandalism.
21:03The full Monty.
21:04Oh, well.
21:05I could cover you
21:06for the space shuttle
21:07crash landing on top of you
21:09if that's what you want.
21:11Theft.
21:12Oh, that's automatic.
21:13I'll tell you what.
21:14I'll get young Wayne here
21:16to work up a policy for you
21:19and then describe the details.
21:20We will, by law,
21:22require you to install
21:23fire stations
21:23at certain key points.
21:24Fire stations?
21:25Yeah, well,
21:26it's just a couple of buckets
21:27of sand here and there.
21:40All clear?
21:41Oh, I was the grave.
21:42Good.
21:49Listen.
21:50Due to circumstances
21:51beyond our control,
21:52we have been pitched
21:54headlong
21:54into the most perilous
21:56situation
21:57ever to engulf us.
21:58What is needed
21:59is daring,
22:00audacity
22:01and a will of iron.
22:03Now, with this in mind,
22:05I have fashioned a plan.
22:07Why do I get the feeling
22:08I don't want to hear this?
22:09This is no time
22:09for vacillation, Ray.
22:11Our backs are well
22:11and truly against the wall.
22:13Now is the time
22:14for all good men,
22:15et cetera.
22:16This plan, Arthur,
22:17is it legal?
22:18That's a moot point, Dave,
22:20depending on which side
22:20of the barricade
22:21you're standing.
22:22But this I do know.
22:23It is just.
22:25Well, come on, then.
22:26Let's hear it.
22:28Today,
22:28I have obtained
22:30watertight insurance
22:31for the complete contents
22:33of the lock-up.
22:34This policy
22:35is the brainchild
22:37of a slip of a lad
22:37not two summers
22:38out of school uniform.
22:39Now, tomorrow night,
22:40he will be paying
22:42a late call
22:43to the lock-up
22:44to finalise
22:45the paperwork.
22:45Yeah, Arthur.
22:46No sooner
22:47has my fountain pen
22:48made the last flourish
22:49and the document
22:50been securely lodged
22:51than I will be
22:52the victim
22:52of a vicious burglary
22:54of which
22:55said callow youth
22:56will be
22:56the principal witness.
22:59Certainly daring, Arthur.
23:00Don't encourage him, Dave.
23:02Arthur,
23:02you'll never get away with it.
23:03You're talking about
23:04defrauding
23:04an insurance company.
23:06I do not care
23:06for such talk, Ray.
23:08As far as duplicity
23:08is concerned,
23:09compared with
23:10the insurance industry,
23:11I am a mere novice.
23:12That's very risky, Arthur.
23:13Not a bit of it.
23:14With careful planning
23:16and a well-disciplined team,
23:18we can pull this off
23:19without even
23:19breaking sweat.
23:20What do you mean, we?
23:21I ain't doing
23:22over the lock-up.
23:22All you have to do
23:23is find a couple
23:24of your mates
23:25who are short
23:25of a bob or two.
23:26I'll make it
23:27worth their while.
23:28Arthur,
23:28it is breaking the law.
23:29I think you'll find
23:30not, technically.
23:33They have my permission
23:34to turn me over.
23:36You'll get your mate
23:37Marty,
23:37the one who's
23:38in the acting lock.
23:39It'll be right up his street.
23:40No way, Arthur.
23:41I mean,
23:41you've come up
23:42with some Lulus
23:42in your time,
23:43but this not only
23:43takes the biscuit,
23:44it takes the old packet.
23:45I mean,
23:45it's the most
23:46air-brained,
23:47stupidest,
23:47ill-thought-out.
23:49You know,
23:49words foul me.
23:50I won't do it.
23:54You'd better
23:54tell him, Arthur.
23:57Tell me what?
23:59Where he got
24:00the money
24:00for the fridges
24:01in the first place.
24:04Well,
24:04go on,
24:05tell him.
24:06Arthur popped
24:07to her indoors,
24:08knick-knacks.
24:09Popped.
24:10Pawned.
24:10Auntie's jewellery?
24:11Only temporary.
24:13In my day,
24:13it was perfectly acceptable
24:14if you wanted to raise
24:15a few readies
24:15on your bits and pieces.
24:17Bits and pieces?
24:17Arthur to Auntie,
24:18they're heirlooms.
24:19If she comes back
24:20and finds her bottom
24:21drawer empty,
24:21she'll go nuclear.
24:23Exactly.
24:23And this way,
24:24not only can I get
24:25her baubles back,
24:26but I can also deliver
24:27the bikes to the pizza man
24:28and get shot
24:29at them fridges from hell.
24:31Oh,
24:31help me out here,
24:31Dave.
24:32Talk sense to him.
24:35Look,
24:35please,
24:36I need your help.
24:40So we just burst in there
24:41and say up against the wall?
24:42Yeah,
24:43the less said,
24:43the better.
24:44Sounds scared and weak
24:45if you're Babylon.
24:45No,
24:46leave the acting to me.
24:47I specialize in heavies.
24:48Yeah,
24:48we just don't overdo it,
24:49okay?
24:50How come you're not
24:51coming with us?
24:51We've been through this,
24:52Gino.
24:53I come in later.
24:53I'll get rid of
24:54the insurance kid.
24:56Gino,
24:57are you twice fried char siu?
24:59No,
24:59shredded chicken.
25:02Now,
25:03remember...
25:03Oh,
25:04Mum,
25:05yes,
25:05love?
25:06Lots of soy sauce.
25:07You got it.
25:10Oh,
25:10Mum,
25:12could you pick
25:13the sweet corn out?
25:14Already done,
25:15darling.
25:16Marty,
25:16do you like sweet corn?
25:18Anything.
25:19Raymond?
25:20Um,
25:20whatever.
25:22Well,
25:23you forget about
25:23your belly for a minute
25:24and just pay attention.
25:25I'm listening,
25:25I'm listening.
25:26Right,
25:27the thing to do
25:27is to get it done
25:28as fast as possible.
25:29Park the truck here
25:29when you load the gear
25:30and then bring it round in
25:31and leave it here.
25:33And leave the keys
25:34behind the front,
25:35near-side wheel arch.
25:36And I'll pick it up later.
25:38When do we get paid?
25:40And the real benefit
25:41of this particular policy
25:42is its flexibility.
25:44Now,
25:45should you find
25:45over the next few months
25:46that your stock value
25:48has increased
25:48vis-Ã -vis
25:49the contents of the property,
25:50you can upgrade the coverage
25:52with a modest increment
25:53to the monthly premium.
25:54a simple phone call
25:56to myself
25:56or Mr...
25:57Most comprehensive.
25:58It's a very nice policy
25:59you've worked out here,
26:00my son.
26:00And your coverage
26:01will start at the moment
26:02your first check clears.
26:03I always leave in cash.
26:04Cash or check is fine.
26:05What was it?
26:06Hundred and...
26:07Oh, yeah.
26:07There's a tonne there.
26:11There we go.
26:12You don't mind
26:12a bit of shrapnel,
26:13do you?
26:30It seems to be
26:3114 pence short.
26:33Oh, really?
26:36Those new little coins.
26:38Very difficult to count.
26:41They're the ones
26:41that are caught in trouble.
26:42There we go.
26:44There's a couple of those.
26:48That's all in order.
26:49If you'd just like to sign here,
26:51I'll prepare you a seat.
26:52Right.
27:01What exactly is a debenture?
27:03That's just a clause.
27:05Oh, excuse me.
27:07Daily into Europe?
27:09Already?
27:10No, no, I'm sorry.
27:11Wrong number.
27:17Right.
27:18Now, would you like a little sherry
27:19to celebrate your commission?
27:23Take one away!
27:25Keep still,
27:26and nobody gets that.
27:27Bloody hell.
27:28What is the meaning of this?
27:29How dare you invade my premises
27:31in this manner?
27:32Who do you think
27:33you're dealing with?
27:33Bullying your way in here
27:34with your mast and your timber?
27:36You have meat to contend with first.
27:43I'm not going to charge you for that.
27:45Shut up!
27:46Ye!
27:46Thanks, God.
27:54I shall not rest
27:55until I've brought you
27:56to justice for this outrage.
27:57Come on!
27:59Come on!
27:59Come on!
28:02Come on!
28:07Come on!
28:13Don't believe it!
28:18Right.
28:23Excuse me, officer. I seem to be a bit lost.
28:26You couldn't tell me the quickest way to, um...
28:29I don't know. I've forgotten the name of it.
28:33That's the lock?
28:34Yeah.
28:41I don't know.
28:44Do what?
28:46The fridges.
28:47The fridges.
28:52Out of here. Do a right.
28:53And then... No. Left. Right.
29:00So it's, um...
29:02First left, then second right by the library.
29:04Portway Street. Yeah, big building on the corner.
29:09Uncle Arthur?
29:12Oh, Uncle Arthur. What's happened?
29:15Oh, careful.
29:17Are you all right?
29:17Oh, no, Raymond. It was terrible.
29:20I was just finishing my business with young Wayne here
29:22when these vicious footpads broke in
29:25and had it away with all the motor scooters.
29:27Oh, no.
29:28They left the fridges.
29:29Oh, no.
29:30Oh, I mean, uh... Oh, good.
29:34Sorry.
29:36We've got to get the police.
29:37But the phone's out.
29:38Oh, hang on. There's a box on the corner.
29:40I'll do it.
29:41Good idea.
29:45So what's your feed, Mark?
29:46We're on red raw meat?
29:47What do you mean?
29:47Well, look at his handiwork.
29:49I'm covered in bruises.
29:50The phone's out.
29:51It'll be months before we get that back on.
29:53You know what the GPO are like.
29:54Yeah, well, he had to make it look convincing.
29:55The job was burglary, not demolition.
29:57Yeah, he was just getting into the park.
29:59Well, he was well over the top.
30:00Look, he's got the bikes, and that's the main thing.
30:02Yeah, that's true.
30:02Raymond, get them to the pizza man
30:04before the law's crawling all over the place.
30:06Right.
30:06Oh, what am I doing?
30:07I'm all over Twitter here.
30:08Come here, Arthur.
30:09Let me do that.
30:10Oh, Raymond.
30:13I don't want to go through that again.
30:15Freeze!
30:16This is a stick-up.
30:18Marty?
30:20Ray?
30:21What are you doing here?
30:24An icy hand grips my heart just thinking about it.
30:27I mean, there I was, giving it to the old Dunkirk spirit,
30:30and all the time they were a genuine article.
30:32I could be lying in a pool of blood.
30:34That's a close shave, all right?
30:36Have I slighted fate in some way
30:38that she would treat me this callously?
30:39Look, on the bright side, Arthur,
30:41there is the insurance money.
30:42Which I will have to refund to the pizza man.
30:44I'm back where I started.
30:45Not quite.
30:46You've still got to get auntie's gear back.
30:48Sorting of wounds, Raymond.
30:49Thank you very much.
30:50Why me?
30:51What have I done to deserve this persecution?
30:53Well, it's perfectly straightforward.
30:55I set up a nice, safe, well-planned burglary,
30:58only to have Dame Fortune lobbing a couple of ringers
31:00at the last minute.
31:01I mean, what are the odds against that?
31:04It was no coincidence.
31:06What?
31:07You mean that there were darker forces at work?
31:10Well, it's obvious, ain't it?
31:11Who?
31:12Well, I don't know yet,
31:14but I intend to find out.
31:24Where's Marty?
31:24Hello, Ray.
31:25What are you doing?
31:25Where's Marty?
31:27It's Dan Q, doing the job.
31:28Here, come with me.
31:28Oh, I want to make a box.
31:31Come with me.
31:33Get your genuine taste of oldie worldie England here.
31:37Ye oldie Tudor tea room shoppie.
31:39One hundred jars on your left.
31:41Devon clotted cream.
31:42Eccles cakes.
31:44Bath buns.
31:46Pontefract pastries.
31:48Ye oldie worldie.
31:52Oi, Dick Van Dyke.
31:54I want a word with you.
31:55I've never known the likes of it, Mr. Daly.
31:58The odds must be astronomical.
32:00I mean, the ink is barely dry on your signature
32:02and you get turned over.
32:04You're going to knock me down with a feather?
32:06Yeah, makes you wonder, doesn't it,
32:07how the world has changed since we were lads.
32:10Yeah.
32:10The front door was never shut.
32:12The kids were playing in the streets.
32:14You could leave your washing out.
32:15The whole fabric of society's broken down.
32:18Yeah, distinct erosion of values, I quite agree.
32:21But if we could get to the number of the matter.
32:23Oh, yes, your claim.
32:25Yeah, if you could extradite it as swift as is humanly,
32:28because the bikes were already overdue
32:30and my client is starting to get the ump.
32:32Yeah, well,
32:34my job can be very tough, Mr. Daly.
32:37It's not all spreading sweetness and light.
32:40I mean, occasionally there's bad news to break and all.
32:43Bad news?
32:46If I could draw your attention to page 3,
32:50section 2, paragraph 3, brackets 4,
32:54the underwriters do not extend cover
32:56for any motor appliance or vehicular conveyance
32:59as designated in section 4, brackets 2,
33:02for use on the Queen's Highway.
33:05You stitched me up.
33:07Look, were you sure one of you two
33:08didn't have one too many sherbets and start mouthing off?
33:10I swear to you, right?
33:11But you know, lads, I'd take a very dim view if you did.
33:13Arthur could have been badly hurt.
33:15Come on, Ray.
33:16Why would we want to put it about?
33:17It's not something you want to advertise, is it?
33:19Oh, by the way,
33:20I'm doing a snide burglary Tuesday night
33:22as an insurance, Blake.
33:25Nah, I suppose not.
33:28Here come we'd better be off.
33:31You giving me a lift back, Ray?
33:33I'm late for dinner and me mum's going out tonight.
33:35Right, mummy's boy, ain't you?
33:36When are you going to grow up?
33:39Here, wait a second.
33:42You tell your mum everything, don't you, Gina?
33:44Yeah.
34:00See you later.
34:05Hey, guys.
34:09What are you guys trying to do?
34:10Bye.
34:12Bye.
34:13Bye.
34:14Bye.
34:40Psst, stay.
34:41We want Ivy.
34:48Psst, stay.
34:52There you are.
34:53Shh, keep it down.
34:54Here.
34:55The pizza man's through there, looking for you.
34:56In a proper lava, he is.
34:58I saw the van.
34:58He's been bending my ear all morning about you.
35:01For God's sake, go and tell him you're going to give him his money back.
35:03I can't.
35:04There ain't any money.
35:04Jooksbury won't cough.
35:06It's true.
35:07What you gonna tell the pizza man?
35:08I'm not.
35:09You are.
35:10Hey.
35:10Keep him happy.
35:12All right.
35:14What are you gonna tell him?
35:16I shall tell him that you've had a serious accident.
35:19I shall cheer him up.
35:22Come back.
35:22Come back.
35:32I'll play in the game.
35:32Come back.
35:36Come back.
35:37Come back.
35:38Hold on.
35:38I'll do it to the throne.
35:38See you later.
35:50No way, all right.
35:50Here, Arthur.
35:51Don't stop me, Ray. It's the time for major surgery.
35:54No, Arthur, get in the van.
35:56Bankruptcy, divorce, dereliction.
35:58Arthur, will you get in the van?
36:00I'll probably end up on Sheppard's Bush Green with a mungroodog and a bottle of cider.
36:03The pizza man doesn't get me first.
36:06Arthur, get in the car.
36:08Raymond, you're a man handling me.
36:10Arthur, I think I might have something that just might interest you.
36:25He's obviously heard about the plan from Lucy.
36:27Thought he'd get in first.
36:28Black-hearted swine. Doing me darn with a smile on his face.
36:31He's certainly making them scooters pay.
36:33He sells them to you.
36:34Twice the price.
36:35And then he nicks them back.
36:37If we stick close to him, he just might lead us to it.
36:41Hold up, he's going.
37:09Why's he stopped here?
37:11Arthur, do you need a diagram?
37:13What?
37:15Oh.
37:18Yeah, I wish I had a camera.
37:20Don't be so disgusting.
37:21For evidence.
37:22You know, a bit of leverage.
37:24Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.
37:26I would never have put old Merv down for a slap-and-tickle merchant.
37:30I thought the only thing that set his pulses racing was the ping of the cash register.
37:34You know, I always wondered how Gino's mum got all her money.
37:37New clothes, always down to takeaway.
37:40Clubbing at the weekends, a bingo.
37:43Old Mervyn's her sugar daddy.
37:53Two, please.
37:54New members?
37:55We're with Mr. Kravitz's party.
37:57He's just gone through.
37:59Two pounds, please.
38:01Two pounds.
38:02Done.
38:03Eight and five, eighty-five.
38:06One and three, thirteen.
38:09Six and two, sixty-two.
38:12House.
38:13House called on number sixty-two.
38:15And here's Melanie with the check.
38:18Checking on line.
38:18Lyle at page sixty-two is on the claim.
38:20The numbers are twelve, forty-three, fifty-two and seventy.
38:25House correct.
38:26Well done, sir.
38:27On to the full house.
38:28All the eights, eighty-eight.
38:31Five and nine, fifty-nine.
38:34On its own, number four.
38:36Number four.
38:37Lyle at the end.
38:38I didn't know you...
38:39Shhh.
38:40Number six.
38:41I didn't know you was a bingo man.
38:43Bailey.
38:44Ray, you're not Merv.
38:45Merv, you're no more than an nephew, Ray.
38:47Hello there.
38:48What are you doing here, Ray?
38:49We like the game a lot, though.
38:51Seven and six, seventy-six.
38:53I've never seen you here before.
38:55No, we usually go up and the way.
38:57Eyes down for a full house.
38:58Eighty-eight.
38:59Click any click, eh?
39:00Number three.
39:01You play the next one, Lucy.
39:03I'll need to have a few words with Arthur.
39:05And all the fours.
39:06Forty-four.
39:06Ray, look after Lucy.
39:10Large scotch.
39:11And, er...
39:12V-80.
39:13And vodka-tini.
39:14Large.
39:15You mustn't keep me out too late, Merv.
39:17I stayed too long at the bingo.
39:18Her indoors will get it into her head.
39:20I've got a totty.
39:22Four-eight, thanks.
39:23Arthur.
39:25I'd like to talk to you.
39:26Man to man.
39:28Something on your mind, Merv.
39:29I don't want you jumping to the wrong conclusions.
39:32Appearances can be deceptive.
39:33Oh, you are not wrong there, Mervyn.
39:35Things are seldom what they seem.
39:38Skimmed milk masquerades as cream.
39:39I've known Lucy for a very long time.
39:42Please, Mervyn, please.
39:44As far as I'm concerned, a man's affairs are his own.
39:49Oh, knowing you endo-intended.
39:51They are not fodder for the chattering classes and their waggling tongues heaping aspersions on perfectly innocent people.
39:58I'm glad you said that, Arthur.
39:59Dragging his name through the gutter of gossip and tarnishing his reputation with malicious tittle-tattle.
40:04Exactly.
40:06You see, a man of my marital status...
40:09Marriage, you mean?
40:10Yes.
40:11To your wife?
40:12Yes.
40:13Maureen.
40:16He has to be on his guard against certain stories getting around.
40:20Could be misconstrued.
40:21Too right.
40:22You see, if my relationship...
40:26My platonic relationship with Lucy were to be...
40:30Bandied?
40:31Bandied by...
40:32A gossip monger.
40:34A third party.
40:36Enough said.
40:37Then there could be...
40:38Repercussions.
40:39Hell to pay.
40:41Never hit the end of it.
40:43May I say something, Murph?
40:44I am not without experience in these matters.
40:47I have had, as you know, a 41-year association with her indoors that is the envy of West London.
40:54I knew you'd understand.
40:56But we also have our tensions.
40:58We have recently fallen foul of another demon of a different colour.
41:02Oh, what's that then?
41:03The root of all evil.
41:04Money trouble.
41:06You have money troubles?
41:08You know that consignment of motor scooters
41:11that are procured from your good self?
41:13The banks?
41:15All nicked.
41:18My entire capital gone in one foul swoop.
41:23I don't mind for myself, but when I see her indoors fretting over the gas bill,
41:28I mean, one cannot afford to have one's other half upset.
41:32That can lead to all sorts of complications.
41:37I'll get it sorted.
41:39Good man.
41:42I, um, I will, of course, need an element of, uh, compensation.
41:51So, come on, what did you say to him?
41:53We simply discussed the sanctity of the marital state.
41:56And?
41:57He agreed it's a sacred institution,
41:58and the scooters will be back on the car lot at six o'clock tonight.
42:03Oh, we could get him delivered direct to the pizza, mate.
42:07I'm glad to see all those years of tuition haven't been wasted on you.
42:10You fix it up while I drop off at the lock-up.
42:13Yeah, they'll be delivered direct to your van park.
42:17Yeah, I thought you would.
42:18Eh?
42:20Yeah, great, um,
42:22a large American up with, uh, extra pepperoni,
42:24yeah, bung and a fried egg.
42:26Sweet.
42:28Yeah, and the same to you from me and Arthur.
42:31Yeah.
42:33Laters.
42:34Beat some hands at me?
42:36Yeah, he seems to be.
42:36Oh, everything's worked out all right, then.
42:38Yeah.
42:39You know, I think Arthur's luck's changed at last.
42:55I've got some bikes for you.
42:57Compliments of Mr. Kravitz.
42:59Yeah, which one are you?
43:00Madonna or the Queen?
43:01What?
43:02Never mind.
43:02Look, I want you to drop them off at Pizza Palermo's van park, Scrubs Lane.
43:06When you get to...
43:07Say, Arthur Daly sent you.
43:09Well, who do we ask for?
43:11Well, you asked for the pizza man.
43:13Er, no, no, he's not here.
43:16He's just left.
43:18Well, have you tried his luck?
43:23Blimey.
43:34You talked to the pizza man?
43:36We had a nice long chat.
43:38What about?
43:38Told him how those two sewer rats had ripped you off.
43:41That's why you hadn't delivered.
43:42What did he say?
43:44Oh, he wanted to talk to him.
43:47Personally.
43:48A personal chat with a pizza man.
44:04Ray Daly?
44:05Ray Daly?
44:06Yeah, Dave.
44:08You what?
44:10Well, when?
44:12I don't believe it.
44:14I don't believe it.
44:14Yeah, yeah.
44:15On our way.
44:19Here, Arthur.
44:21That was Dave.
44:22I don't know how to tell you this.
44:23I forgot to mention.
44:24The lock-up's on fire.
44:26Hey, Lowe.
44:27In we go.
44:28Right behind you.
44:29She's going to be concentrated in that corner.
44:32I'm going to hose on it.
44:40Get another hose in there.
44:47Order on!
44:54I'm going to go.
44:55I'm going to go.
44:59Off you go.
45:01In you go.
45:03Right, in you go.
45:05Fortunately, the fire is restricted to one corner of the building.
45:08We got the alarm call early enough, so we should be able to contain it so it doesn't spread too
45:12far.
45:12Well, that was lucky.
45:13Well, unfortunately, we arrived too late to save the stack of fridge freezers, which we suspected where the fire started
45:18from.
45:19We're not sure yet, but we think the fault lies in an electrical problem behind the refrigeration unit.
45:24They're bloody cowboys, you know.
45:26They should have been returned to the manufacturers.
45:28Well, they just don't care, do they?
45:30Help!
45:31All right, stay up here, Brian.
45:33Hey, yo, I'm okay.
45:34All right, step up here.
45:34Come on, sir.
45:35Come on.
45:37I hope you're insured.
45:39Oh, yes, yes, I'm a belt and braces man as far as that sort of thing's concerned.
45:43Tell me, why do you have so many appliances plugged into the mains at the same time?
45:49I was expecting a consignment of frozen fish.
45:52Scotland.
45:53Radio in 10, no more advice.
46:02Whew!
46:04That's a right bonfire.
46:07That fortune seems to dog you, Mr. Daly.
46:10The vicissitudes of life, Mr. Dukesbury?
46:13One must expect the odd banana skin.
46:15In my experience, when people take out an insurance, they're very often tempted to give calamity a bit of a
46:21helping hand.
46:22You're not imputing impropriety, I do, though.
46:25The chief officer was most emphatic.
46:27No sign of foul play.
46:2920 years' experience tells me accidental electrical overload of a faulty unit.
46:33For which I am completely covered, as per page 4, paragraph 3, subsection 2.
46:40Subsection 3, actually.
46:42Oh.
46:44Gentlemen, I think I can guarantee peace in our time.
46:47You made it to the pawnbrokers in time, then?
46:49Yeah.
46:49The little chicks are ready to go back to their nest.
46:55What you got there?
46:56Complimentary from the pizza man for delivering the scooters.
46:58Oh, that's a nice gesture.
46:59There you are.
47:00Another satisfied customer.
47:01Here, do you want a slice?
47:02No, no, no, no.
47:03Foreign food brings me out.
47:05You know, it's touch and go for a minute there, Arthur.
47:07But I reckon you've had a right result.
47:09If you can keep your head when all about a losing theirs, you're a better man than I am.
47:13What's his name?
47:14No, personally, I must admit, I thought we'd had it.
47:16I just hope you learnt your lesson.
47:17Oh, what's that?
47:18No one to quit when you're behind.
47:20Never, Ray.
47:21Never.
47:22Nerve.
47:23Backbone.
47:23That's what made this island race what it is.
47:26With qualities like that, no matter how dark the hour, how grave the peril, there is no terror that cannot
47:31be faced.
47:32Arthur.
47:32Arthur.
47:33That was her indoors on the blower.
47:35She's come back early.
47:36She's in a terrible state.
47:38She reckons you've been burgled.
47:47Right.
47:48Now, here's the plan.
47:50Now, here's the plan.
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