- 2 days ago
First broadcast 26th September 1991.
Three victims of Arthur's past cons conspire, to trick him into buying an East German car, a retired greyhound and a piano.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Nicholas Day - D.S. Morley
Stephen Tompkinson - D.C. Park
David Ryall - Ashley Brown
Dermot Crowley - Nick Rutherford
Allie Byrne - Lucy
Geoffrey Greenhill - Big Mike
Terence Harvey - Auctioneer
Raymond Brody - Morry
Peter Craze - Middleton
Barry McCarthy - Steve
Gary Powell - Roger
Howard Ward - Mark
Nick Kemp - Frank Wilson
David Jackson - Mr Fletcher
Jonny Lee Miller - Auctioneer's Assistant
Jean Channon - Auction House Crowd
Les Conrad - Auction House Crowd
Kenneth Coombs - Man Outside Winchester Club
Pat Gorman - Poker Player
Tom Weldin - Auction House Crowd
Three victims of Arthur's past cons conspire, to trick him into buying an East German car, a retired greyhound and a piano.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Nicholas Day - D.S. Morley
Stephen Tompkinson - D.C. Park
David Ryall - Ashley Brown
Dermot Crowley - Nick Rutherford
Allie Byrne - Lucy
Geoffrey Greenhill - Big Mike
Terence Harvey - Auctioneer
Raymond Brody - Morry
Peter Craze - Middleton
Barry McCarthy - Steve
Gary Powell - Roger
Howard Ward - Mark
Nick Kemp - Frank Wilson
David Jackson - Mr Fletcher
Jonny Lee Miller - Auctioneer's Assistant
Jean Channon - Auction House Crowd
Les Conrad - Auction House Crowd
Kenneth Coombs - Man Outside Winchester Club
Pat Gorman - Poker Player
Tom Weldin - Auction House Crowd
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:06You're 20 and 20.
00:10You're 20 and up 40, Arthur.
00:15I'll just call, please, Mike.
00:19Two pair. Jack's up.
00:21Three fives.
00:24You're a canny bugger, Arthur.
00:25Yeah, about time, too.
00:28Yeah, talk of your time. Better make the next game the last one.
00:31Well, I'm ahead, so it's your prerogative, Mitch.
00:34Give him a good shuffle, Tom. Might change my luck.
00:37One more for the road, is it?
01:07Well, as it's the last hand, let's give it a go, eh?
01:10There's 50 to kick it off.
01:17You're 50.
01:19I'm 50.
01:20Too much for me.
01:23Give me one.
01:25I'll take two.
01:33100.
01:40You're 100.
01:44Up 200.
01:53200.
01:53200.
01:54And up 2,000.
02:02I don't believe this.
02:05Best hand I've had all night, and I run out of cash.
02:09Will anyone cash me a cheque?
02:13What about you, Arthur?
02:15Huh?
02:15Come on, you know I'm good for it.
02:17You know, nothing personal, Nick.
02:19I'm allergic to cheques.
02:20They make me sweat, give me headaches.
02:22Look, I just need two grand to see him.
02:25I have him.
02:26I know I can do it.
02:27Well, if you're so sure, why don't you show Arthur your hand?
02:30You might come across, then.
02:32No harm in that.
02:34Come on over here, then.
02:45He can't beat me.
02:48He only took one card.
02:50Tasty, Nick.
02:51Very tasty.
02:53But cheques.
02:54I always have trouble with cheques.
02:56Look.
02:57I'll tell you what, Arthur.
02:59I've got a car I'll sell you.
03:02I've got quite a few I could sell you, Nick.
03:04No, this is no ordinary car, Arthur.
03:07It's German.
03:09It's a collector's item.
03:10I've got one of the last ten ever made.
03:13Collectors go potty for them.
03:15Pristine condition.
03:16Never been driven.
03:19Even so.
03:21Look, look, I'll give you an idea of what it's worth.
03:24I will sell it to you for £2,000 so that I can see him.
03:28And then when I win the pot, I'll buy it straight back from you for three grand.
03:33Deal?
03:35What about the logbook and papers?
03:39Come on, you two.
03:40You're going to see me or not?
03:41He's going to see you.
03:45God, I thought you were arranging your holidays.
03:47No, just evaluating the collateral.
03:49A shrewd man like you, Arthur, you ought to be Chancellor of the Exchequer.
03:52No, it's too late.
03:53They flogged everything worth selling.
03:55It's a formality, Mike.
03:56You can't beat me.
03:58You only took one card.
04:00That's true.
04:02That's what I got.
04:04No use at all.
04:06Then I already had four tens, didn't I?
04:11Now, what have you got over there?
04:13Not enough.
04:19I wish I'd seen his face.
04:26So I ended up well in front, plus I won a car.
04:28They do raffles as well, do they?
04:30No, no, no.
04:31I won it at Poker.
04:32Classic German model.
04:33They don't make them anymore.
04:35Collectors buy them as an investment, you know, like a Van Gogh or Madonna photographs.
04:40Madonna photos?
04:41But they're ten a pound.
04:43Not the ones I've seen.
04:44Of course, they were taken before she became a virgin.
04:49So we on our way to pick up this classic German carding?
04:51No, it's being delivered to the car lot tomorrow.
04:54Right, my son, we are on our way to pick up another little bargain.
04:58Oh, yeah, what's that?
05:04Lot 43.
05:05One dozen sets of a table and four chairs manufactured by that well-known and historic Midlands company, Everard.
05:12The property of Spellman's The Furniture Store.
05:16William Spellman, having announced his retirement, is disposing of his entire stock.
05:21All the tables and chairs are, of course, brand new, still crated.
05:25The sets retail at £400.
05:29I have one dozen sets.
05:31Who'll start me at £2,000?
05:34£500.
05:35Nice to see we have a humorist with us today.
05:38Come along, ladies and gentlemen.
05:43Very well, then.
05:44£500.
05:49£600.
05:51£700.
05:52It's with the gentleman in the executive overcoat at £700.
05:57And £50.
05:58£750.
05:59Come along, now, ladies and gentlemen.
06:00There's nearly £5,000...
06:02Mr. Arthur Day.
06:03Yeah?
06:03There's an urgent phone call for you in the office.
06:06£800.
06:06No, time I can't.
06:07I'm bidding.
06:07Well, she said it was a matter of life and death.
06:10She has to speak to you immediately.
06:12£900.
06:13With you, sir, at £900.
06:15Please, Mr. Daly.
06:15It sounded terribly urgent.
06:17Give me £950.
06:19£950.
06:20I've £950.
06:22£1,000.
06:23Thank you, sir.
06:24Glad to see you've put away the petty cash and found your wallet.
06:26I have £1,000.
06:28Why does he keep needling me?
06:30Well, he reckoned the furniture should fetch £3,000.
06:33Please take the call.
06:35She said life and death.
06:36Thank you, sir.
06:38£1,100.
06:38I have £1,100.
06:40All right.
06:40Now, who's going to show me £1,200?
06:41Ray, you carry on bidding.
06:43£50 at a time.
06:44Slowly.
06:45Don't go above £2,000.
06:47Trust me, Arthur.
06:48And £50.
06:49I have £1,150.
06:51While the gentleman with the quaint hat is checking his credit rating,
06:54you'll give me £1,200 past.
07:00Yes?
07:01This is Arthur Daly.
07:02Who's this?
07:02I'm at the hospital, Arthur.
07:04The hospital?
07:05What's happened?
07:06She's had a boy.
07:08Who has?
07:08Your wife.
07:10You're the proud father of a £9 bouncing baby boy.
07:13No, no, no, no.
07:14It's impossible.
07:15She has headaches.
07:16Always has.
07:17Well, bet she's had more than a headache now.
07:20She says, can she call him Beauregard?
07:22A real boy?
07:23Betty?
07:24My wife's name's not Betty.
07:25Who is this?
07:26Well, who are you?
07:27This is Arthur Daly.
07:29Daly?
07:30No, I want Arthur Paley.
07:33I know what you want.
07:35I have £1,350 for the second time.
07:42£1,400.
07:44Thank you, sir.
07:46£1,400 I have.
07:48Are we finished?
07:50£1,400.
07:52£1,400.
07:54So, to Mr. Daly.
07:57With a D.
07:59Of course, sir.
08:00So, to Mr. Daly.
08:02Now, the next lot will be of particular interest to newlyweds.
08:07Lot 45, a 100-piece dinner sale.
08:1145?
08:11He's got that wrong.
08:12I've just bought lot 43.
08:15Blue and white.
08:16You slowed the bidding down a treat, Ray.
08:18Arthur Paley, you won't believe that telephone call.
08:21Arthur, they raced through the bidding after you'd left.
08:23The furniture went for £2,800.
08:28And what have I just bought for £1,400?
08:31A hundred from anyone.
08:33And I'm telling you, this is a diabolical liberty.
08:35The sort of stroke you expect them to pull on the tourists up in Oxford Street.
08:38I, squire, am no tourist.
08:40You are down here, Mr. Daly.
08:42Keep out of it, son.
08:43He'll have your ears for all derves.
08:45And I want inquiries made about that telephone call.
08:48The idea that I should knock out a nine-pound baby boy at my age is slanderous.
08:51Have you found that, Mr. Paley?
08:53No, sir.
08:54Oh, and you're not likely to either.
08:55I've been conned, and I'm not having it.
08:57What you are having, Mr. Daly, is lot 44.
09:00You bid for it fair and square in front of everyone.
09:02It was knocked down to you at £1,400.
09:05And what if I say I am not having it?
09:07What are you going to do then?
09:10I think I'd send for the police.
09:12It's always a good start.
09:13Then I'd have your car impounded.
09:15There'll be call proceedings, of course, but the local J.P.'s a very good friend of mine.
09:18We share a common interest in abstract art.
09:21I'll get the picture.
09:22I know the way you country people stick together.
09:25I saw straw dogs.
09:28Uh, under the circumstances, Mr. Daly, I would prefer cash.
09:34Arnold, fetch in lot 44 for Mr. Daly.
09:41You'll be hearing from my solicitor.
09:43Always delighted to talk to the legal profession, Mr. Daly.
09:46My solicitor's also a devotee of abstract art.
09:51There he is, Mr. Daly, lot 44.
09:55His name's Lightning Bertie.
10:05I blame you for this, Ray.
10:06I tried to slow it down.
10:08I bid so slowly on the furniture, he sent someone over to see if I'd gone to sleep.
10:12Never mind.
10:13The exercise will do you good, Arthur.
10:14You know, taking it out for walkies.
10:16I've got other plans for him.
10:19Lightning Bertie.
10:20Three-year-old son of surprise, surprise, out of Jack Straw's Castle.
10:24Open race winner from Glasgow to Wembley.
10:27Oh, he's got stamina.
10:29No, that means race tracks all over the country.
10:32He did 29.41 at Sheffield.
10:36Finalist in the Welsh Cup, 90.
10:38Won the Brewer Trophy last year.
10:40Finalist in the 3,000 Guineas, 91.
10:43Ray, he's got form as long as you're on.
10:45Fancy racing him, then?
10:46No, no, too much aggravation.
10:50No, I think I'll sell him on.
10:51I mean, with form like that, I think I've got a bargain.
10:55Who do I know indulges in greyhounds?
10:58What about Billy from Bradford?
11:00Good boy, Ray.
11:01Billy from Bradford.
11:03He's bound to be in it.
11:04He's a northerner.
11:05They're into that sort of stuff.
11:06Whippets, pigeons, left-wing MPs.
11:09He's Soteric livestock.
11:11I'll give him a belt when we get back.
11:13All right, Bertie?
11:21That's good, yes.
11:23I'm very, very pleased.
11:27That auctioneer played his audience like Victor Sylvester.
11:30Slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.
11:33Mr Paley, I mean Mr Daly, has apparently bought himself a pup.
11:38Or rather, a three-year-old greyhound.
11:41Two down, one to go.
11:44You know, if we do the hat trick, I think I'll die a happy man.
11:46Got to hand it to you, Ashley.
11:48What was it you called it?
11:49Psychological warfare.
11:51Just another way of getting revenge.
11:53One of the things we have in common is we've all been conned by Arthur Daly over the years.
11:58What could be more natural than we get together and con him?
12:02Yeah, and he also won Wendover Cup in March, breaking a ten-year-old track record.
12:09Sounds a goer, eh?
12:11For you, Billy, two grand.
12:13Bit high, Billy.
12:15But you can sell him one by three, no trouble.
12:19No, no, no, I'm not into livestock.
12:21I'm a married man.
12:23All right, all right.
12:24Tuck.
12:26What'd he say?
12:26He's going to make inquiries.
12:28Well, while he's doing that, what are you going to do with Lightning, Bertie?
12:31We're dropping him off at my place.
12:32Come on.
12:43Come on, Bertie, in you go.
12:45Right your butt.
12:51Drive, Ray, just drive.
12:53What happened?
12:54Oh, well, indoors then, I've got the hump.
12:56Bertie wet on a Persian rug, frightened a tropical fish, and let all the passion flowers.
13:02Did you tell us you had a boy called Beauregard this morning?
13:04You forget I ever told you that.
13:06Are you going to drive this car, or am I going to ride the dog?
13:11Hello, Arthur.
13:12Brought the wife out for a drink, then.
13:14That'll be enough of that, Steve, or I'll set him on you.
13:18All right, Dave.
13:18Evening, Dave.
13:19A large VAT for me and a St. Clements for Ray.
13:22That dog, Arthur.
13:24What about the dog?
13:25Well, I don't know.
13:26What do you reckon?
13:27Guinness?
13:28I mean, in here.
13:29He's a bit big for the club, isn't he?
13:30Dave, this is a drinker, not a mannery.
13:33There's pubs all over the country called the Greyhound.
13:36I suppose so.
13:38What's he called, anyway?
13:39I'm surprised you don't recognise him.
13:41I've picked up some bargains in my time, but I reckon he's the ultimate.
13:43He's called Lightning Bertie.
13:45He's a champion.
13:46Oh, yeah.
13:48Who's paying for all this, then?
13:49Lightning Bertie?
13:50Put it on my account, Dave.
13:53Before you became partners in this club, he used to call it his slate.
13:56That's progress, Dave.
13:58And before you ask, I have not forgotten about my contribution as a shareholder in the Winchester.
14:02That's very good of you, Arthur.
14:04Here we are, then.
14:05Guinness for Lightning Bertie.
14:07Cheers.
14:08Here, Arthur.
14:10Did you have any luck with my furniture?
14:15Raymond, why don't you take it?
14:16Take Bertie over in the corner and give him his drink.
14:19Right.
14:22Come on, boy.
14:24Dave, that furniture went for more than you'd pay for it in the shops.
14:29I wasn't going to throw your money around like that.
14:32That's very good of you, Arthur.
14:34Come on, let's sit down over here.
14:37Doesn't pay to let Arthur daily in your business.
14:41So, I had the table renovated.
14:43I sold it for £800.
14:45Nice, quick, in and out.
14:47So, how's your business?
14:48I've got a customer desperate to buy a Medina iron frame upright.
14:51Do you think I can find one?
14:52Nowhere.
14:53I've tried every one.
14:54I haven't seen a Medina piano in years.
14:56You know, they used to be everywhere.
14:57Went out of fashion, didn't they?
14:58Everyone got rid of them.
14:59Now I've got a customer willing to pay up to £4,000.
15:02Can't find one.
15:03Anywhere.
15:04Money for the taking, too.
15:06Hold up.
15:06Don't mention Medina's.
15:08Hello, Arthur.
15:09How are things?
15:10Never better, Mark.
15:11Never better.
15:12All right, Roger?
15:13Fine, thanks.
15:15Come on, Mark.
15:15Time to go.
15:20Friends?
15:22Antique dealers are never friends, Ray.
15:24Just acquaintances.
15:27Yeah, all right, Billy.
15:28All right, so we're all right.
15:29Yeah, set up.
15:32Hey, you got my change?
15:34Change?
15:34You owe me another ten quid.
15:36My protein mix, fresh steak and vegetables do not come cheap.
15:40You sound just like they're indoors.
15:42Anyway, what did Billy say?
15:44Did you get a result?
15:45Well, apparently Bertie was a champion in his day.
15:48Until he ruptured a tendon.
15:50His racing days are over.
15:52Never mind, son.
15:53Couldn't have been much fun chasing a bit of tail you could never catch, eh?
15:59Good boy, Ray.
16:00What?
16:01You've given me an idea.
16:03I'll put him to stud.
16:04But his track record and all that steak, it'd be like winning the pot every night.
16:08I'll get on with that first thing in the morning.
16:10Now, Ray, about tonight?
16:11No, Arthur.
16:12No way.
16:13What do you mean, no, Arthur?
16:14No way what?
16:14I mean, I'm not entertaining Bertie for the night.
16:17It's just for one night.
16:18I'll get something sorted in the morning.
16:21Look, he's been exercised and fed.
16:22Leave him in the lock-up.
16:23I mean, you're always going on about security.
16:26He'll give you some.
16:42Do you like tea and toast or something else?
16:46What about tea and toast followed by something else?
17:10You know, Luke, he has to have special food.
17:12I've got it on the lock-up.
17:14And it, you mean?
17:15He finished all that up after we left.
17:18He's given her indoors a disturbed night.
17:20He's made me sleep on the sofa.
17:22And furthermore, he snorts.
17:25Hey, this is more like it.
17:27They're advertising here for greyhounds for breeding
17:29at hundreds of pounds a go.
17:32Repeat for missing bitches.
17:33What's that mean?
17:34Can you come back next week?
17:36Oh, we don't want none of that, Bertie.
17:37You make every one count.
17:39Your Uncle Arthur needs the reddies.
17:41Well, my Uncle's a bookmaker, Arthur.
17:43He's bound to know some trainers.
17:47Now you've got your clothes on, I recognise you, don't I?
17:50You're a bouncy Morrie's girl.
17:53That's right.
17:56Does your father know where you were last night?
18:00No. No, he doesn't.
18:01You wouldn't tell him, would you, Arthur?
18:05You find me a good trainer,
18:07I'll have an attack of amnesia, right?
18:11Right.
18:13Gently, gently.
18:14That's a classic German car you've got there.
18:16It's got your mask for you, state-of-the-art rubbish.
18:21Gently, gently.
18:23That's it, that's it.
18:24Go on.
18:27Get that crate open, right?
18:31Don't get hammer or spanner or something.
18:34Mm-hm, mm-hm, yeah.
18:36Any more?
18:37Oh, good.
18:39Yeah, it's a top-class dog, all right.
18:41I've seen its form.
18:44Come on, Ray.
18:49Hold on.
18:59What is that?
19:02It's a Trebent.
19:03Oh, thank God.
19:04I thought it was a car.
19:07Oi, hold up.
19:08I was supposed to get a classic German car.
19:10You haven't bought it, have you?
19:13Why?
19:15What's wrong with it?
19:16Difficult to know where to begin, Arthur.
19:18They used to make them in East Germany.
19:20Well, if that's what they got up to,
19:21they should have kept that bloody wall up.
19:24Here.
19:26Trebent.
19:28500-tc engine.
19:30Well, take a couple of wheels off,
19:31you can drive it on a motorbike licence.
19:33Yeah, plastic bonnet.
19:34Gravity-feed petrol tank.
19:360-60 in something like 45 seconds to a minute.
19:39Get some petrol in it, quick.
19:41Are you going to take it for a test drive?
19:42No, I'm going to drive it round the lock-up and hide it.
19:44Anyone finds out I've been lumbered with this,
19:46my reputation will be ruined.
19:47Come on, come on, get some petrol.
19:49And move, Ray.
20:07Can I help you, sir?
20:09Yeah, yeah, the name's Wilson, Frank Wilson.
20:11I'm interested in this Fiesta.
20:13Oh, it's a lovely car.
20:14It's only done 27,000.
20:18I see you do part exchange.
20:20Yeah, that's right.
20:21What did you want to trade in?
20:23Well, it's not actually a car.
20:26It's, um, it's a piano.
20:29I understand it's worth a bit.
20:31We're car dealers, Mr. Wilson.
20:33What would I do with a piano?
20:39This piano, what make is it?
20:51Well, what do you make of that, Sarge?
20:53Ashley Brown buying a Paris dress.
20:56It's not likely, is it?
20:58My snout tells me Ashley's on the move.
21:00Remembering ambitions.
21:01Well, he's been wanting to expand his activities for some time.
21:04You know, you know that shop he's got into.
21:07What about it?
21:08Well, the owner, Maury Stevens, does a lot of business with Arthur Daly.
21:14Does he now?
21:31A dress for your good lady, Mr. Morley?
21:35So, do you know who I am, then?
21:37Of course.
21:38You're legendary in this manner.
21:41So, are you, Maury?
21:44I thought I saw Ashley Brown leave here just now.
21:47Was he buying or selling?
21:50Just looking.
21:51Yeah, I thought he would be.
21:57He wouldn't have happened to have offered you some sort of after-sales service, would he?
22:01No.
22:02Something that could possibly be mistaken for protection.
22:05Protection?
22:07Ashley Brown's a businessman, not a gangster.
22:10They come in all shapes and sizes, Maury.
22:13Did Arthur Daly happen to crop up in the conversation?
22:16I don't think so.
22:18It's difficult to remember.
22:21Go on, Dad.
22:22Why don't you tell him?
22:25Maury,
22:26obstructing the police in their inquiries is a serious offence.
22:30Now,
22:31why don't you tell me what Brown had to say?
22:38Well, to tell you the truth, Sergeant, apart from buying stock from Arthur, I'm about to invest a substantial sum
22:43of money in his business enterprises.
22:45It's all above board.
22:47My accountants approved it.
22:48But I don't like these things to get around.
22:51As for what Ashley Brown was saying about Arthur, I didn't understand him.
22:55He told you not to do business with Arthur Daly.
22:58You understood that, all right.
22:59Why did he say that?
23:02Something about Arthur being finished or washed up.
23:06Said his judgment had gone.
23:07He said,
23:08don't you know about the Trabant, the Greyhound and the piano?
23:16No.
23:38Yes, sir?
23:39What can I do for you?
23:41It's more of a case of what I can do for you.
23:43You were sitting near me in a Winchester club the other night.
23:46Was I?
23:46Yeah, with a friend of yours in the same line of business.
23:49I couldn't help overhearing how anxious you were to lay your hands on a particular piano.
23:54Piano?
23:55Yeah.
23:56A Medina iron frame upright.
23:58Oh, yes, you're right.
24:00You're quite right.
24:02I was after one, wasn't I?
24:03You certainly were.
24:05Well, I've got one.
24:06In excellent condition.
24:08Now, I can let you wave it for two grand and that will still give you 100% profit.
24:12You, er, do have good hearing, don't you?
24:15Hmm.
24:16Yeah, pity about that.
24:17Pity?
24:18Yes, customer changed his mind.
24:19He's putting in a jacuzzi instead.
24:22What about you buying it, then?
24:24You were saying how rare they were.
24:25Do you know, I was.
24:27I've since found out you can pick any number of them up.
24:30Top price.
24:31£100.
24:36Yeah, well played, Mark.
24:37Well played.
24:38We'll be in to see you later.
24:41Ray Daly's just discovered he's been conned.
24:43There's more to come.
24:45What, you're going to con him again?
24:45No.
24:46As soon as we finish lunch, I suggest we spread the good news round the manor.
24:50I'll be selfish to keep it to ourselves, eh?
24:52Exactly.
24:56Something's going down, Ray.
24:58I can smell it.
25:00That's the third cancellation today.
25:03How come my regulars don't want to know?
25:05Am I using the wrong soap?
25:10Well, do they know something I don't know?
25:21Daly's into Europe.
25:22Can I help you?
25:23Arthur, this is Ashley Brown.
25:26I was wondering if you'd reconsidered my offer.
25:29Look, I've told you, Ashley, my businesses are not for sale.
25:32What's up?
25:33Don't you take no for an answer?
25:35Yeah, well, if there's nothing else, look, I've got an empire to run.
25:37Stock to move.
25:39Yeah, time is money and you're on my meter.
25:41Yes, I heard you'd expanded.
25:43Gone into the music business, haven't you?
25:46I wondered if you'd be interested in six French horns,
25:49a kettle drum and a couple of fiddles.
25:51You've been at the aeroplane glue again, Ashley.
25:53What are you going on about?
25:55Well, if you took that lot off my hands,
25:57what with the upright piano you've already got,
25:59you thought you could start your own band?
26:01Upright pianos.
26:04Always said you were barking mad.
26:09Sorry about that, I trodden his foot.
26:11That was Ashley Brown.
26:12I think you must be Brahms.
26:14Going on about upright pianos.
26:19Arthur, I've got something to show you,
26:21but don't say anything until we get there.
26:23You haven't bought another Trebant?
26:25No.
26:26Thank God for that.
26:27I took it in part exchange for the Fiesta.
26:29Oh, yeah.
26:30The one that's only done...
26:37It's a piano, Ray.
26:41It's a piano.
26:49Get it inside as soon as possible.
26:52They really stuck it to you, didn't they?
26:54Let me tell you what happened.
26:55No.
26:56Let me guess.
26:58Someone has worked,
27:00as yet for reasons unknown.
27:01A classic number on you.
27:03Ray, I bet you overheard two antique dealers chatting quietly, didn't you?
27:08In the Winchester, probably.
27:10And I bet one of them said he was desperate to lay his hands
27:13on a Medina iron frame upright piano.
27:16Prepared to pay a fortune for it, he was, wasn't he?
27:20And then, out of the blue,
27:21this large gold brick lands at your very feet.
27:25Ray, I've learned in this life
27:26Alfred, when you bend down to pick up these gold bricks,
27:29some rotten sod comes up behind
27:30and kicks you up the posterior.
27:32I'm sorry, Arthur.
27:41I don't want to work.
27:47David's into Europe.
27:48Can I help you?
27:49Arthur,
27:50that business proposition that we discussed,
27:54I've changed my mind.
27:57No.
27:58I'm going to leave the 20 grand on the money market.
28:13I've got it.
28:16Ashley Brown knew about the piano.
28:20I'm sure Big Mike and Nick Rutherford
28:22rigged that poker game together.
28:24Rutherford cons me with a trabant,
28:26Ashley Brown sticks me with a greyhound,
28:28and Big Mike lumbers you with a piano.
28:30So that's what all this is about.
28:32And that's why Morrie just pulled back 20 grand.
28:35Loss of confidence.
28:37That Brown's behind this.
28:39He's been trying to take me over for years.
28:41Let me go down and thump him.
28:43I'll feel a lot better, then.
28:44No, Ray.
28:45That is not the way with him.
28:46He'd have his solicitors on to us double quick.
28:48At all costs, we must not let on to anyone
28:51that I have been triple-conned.
28:53Damage limitation is the order of the day.
29:00Don't lean on there, Mr Morley, please.
29:02That's an export order for a valued customer in Leningrad.
29:06Word is, Daly, that you have been severely taken to the cleaners
29:09by Ashley Brown and his friends.
29:12There's ridiculous stories going round the manor that you pull...
29:23Don't keep that dog quiet, or he'll have you for disturbing the peace.
29:33This is war, Ray.
29:34We must move fast before the enemy does any more damage.
29:42Ray not coming in, then, Arthur.
29:45He's gone to see a girl about a dog, Dave.
29:47Business is looking up, now.
29:49Strength to strength.
29:51If it goes on like this, I'll be able to pay you for my share in this place.
29:53Oh, no, that is good news.
29:55Calls for a drink, Rebus.
29:57Dave, speaking as a shareholder in the Winchester,
30:00it's always struck me that this place lacked one thing.
30:04Your contribution?
30:06No, no, no.
30:07It's always struck me that it lacked music.
30:10Now, I'm in a position to rectify that situation.
30:14I want to make you an irresistible offer.
30:27Take you down to the club, lads.
30:29It won't take you a minute.
30:30I'll see you right for a drink.
30:44Oh, he's in excellent condition, Mr. Daly.
30:46You've looked after him well.
30:48Well, he's had a very best of food,
30:50and his telephone box is air-conditioned.
30:53It's the least you can do for a champion.
30:55Yeah.
30:57Saw him win at Glasgow, you know.
30:58Beat the track record.
31:00Damn shame about that tendon.
31:01Could have won the derby.
31:02Yeah, that tendon, um, it, uh, it won't stop him, uh, you know, performing, will it?
31:11Well, he won't have to chase after them.
31:13No, we tie the bitches up and then offer them to the dog.
31:16Oh, don't give the bitch much of a chance, do it?
31:19We try to leave nothing to chance.
31:21Now, how about we say 200 pounds a time and a free repeat for any bitchy misses?
31:26Well, that sounds reasonable.
31:27Well, if they bred humans the same way, they'll make a fortune out of him.
31:43I think that was a very good day's work.
31:46When that dog gets busy, I'll be on a nice little urner.
31:49I've moved a piano that only leaves the classic German car.
31:52Well, if Dave's busy, he's got a darts match on.
31:55What's going on?
31:56What's going on, boys?
31:57Excuse me.
31:58Murphy's trying to get in here, Arthur.
32:00Come on.
32:02Make some space there.
32:04Come on.
32:06There you are, Ray, you see?
32:07That's what happens when you delegate authority.
32:10Come on.
32:11We'll shift it.
32:13Arthur.
32:14If you were not a minority shareholder in this place, I'd ban you.
32:18You stuck me with this piano, Arthur.
32:20What are you going to say about it?
32:26You're right, Dave.
32:28Definitely stuck.
32:30There you are, Dave.
32:31To every problem, there's a simple answer.
32:33One magnificent Medina iron frame upright in situ.
32:37Yeah.
32:37At my banisters, eight in situ.
32:40How could you use a drink?
32:41Yeah, how could you use a new set of banisters?
32:44You can't do fire this time, Arthur.
32:46Fret no more, David.
32:48Fret no more.
32:49Open plan kitchens have been superseded by open plan drinkers.
32:52I shouldn't be surprised if Vogue run a feature on it.
32:54That stuff, Vogue.
32:55Look, I want a new set of bloody banisters.
32:58You certainly do.
33:00What's going on?
33:01Why demolition men working in my favourite club?
33:04Oh, Mr Morley, how pleasant to see you.
33:06I didn't hear you come in.
33:07Well, you should have done.
33:08I nearly fell arse over tit down your stairs.
33:10What's happened to the banisters?
33:12Woodworm.
33:14What?
33:14Oh, no, they had to go, Mr Morley.
33:16Menace to the public.
33:17So's that bloody gap.
33:19I'm giving you 48 hours to get them replaced.
33:54Homosexual?
33:55Are you telling me Lightning Bertie's homosexual?
33:57All I'm saying, Mr Daly, is all he wants to do is roll over on his back and have his
34:01tummy
34:02tickled or play with the other dogs.
34:04It happens sometimes.
34:06You remember that colony of lesbian penguins they found on Tristan da Kuna?
34:12Now, there's a variety of reasons.
34:14Could be dietary.
34:16Equally, if a young greyhound is kept from bitches for a few years, he can develop a marked
34:21disinternation to mate.
34:24It would happen to me, wouldn't it?
34:26Bloody things should have been called doddering Doris.
34:30What are you going to do with it, Arthur?
34:31What can I do with it?
34:32I can't race it.
34:33I can't breed it.
34:34The longer I keep it round the manor trying to sell it, the worse my reputation's going
34:37to get.
34:39I'm going to dump it.
34:41Dump it?
34:44Dump it?
34:46Oh, that's going to do your reputation a lot of good, isn't it?
34:49Well, I don't suppose to get an award from the Kennel Club, but what else can I do?
34:52I'll put it about that I've sold it at a profit.
34:55No one will know.
34:56Oh, no.
34:57Well, you won't tell anyone, Ray.
34:58You're family.
34:59Family?
35:00And what happens to family when they've outlived their usefulness?
35:03You're going to dump us too?
35:04An uncle dropped in a ditch off the M1?
35:07An auntie left in a toilet in Ellsbury?
35:09An ageing minder found under a tree in queue?
35:12Don't talk to me about family.
35:14No, Ray, you don't understand.
35:16I'm doing Bertie a favour.
35:19All his little life he's been running round in circles chasing electric bunnies.
35:23I'm giving him a chance to catch a real one.
35:27And what about the upkeep?
35:29All that steak and high-protein mix and vegetables.
35:33It mounts up, you know.
35:36I'm going to dump him.
35:40I never thought he'd end up like this, Ray.
35:44Spending a golden summer of my life with a bent greyhound.
35:48Is this it, then?
35:49Is this the future?
35:51Come on, Arthur.
35:52You're just depressed about Ashley Brown.
35:54Ah, Ray.
35:55Those conning beggars have given me food for thought.
35:58Shades of immorality.
36:02Old age, Ray.
36:03Old age.
36:04Nonsense.
36:05You've got your life in front of you.
36:06You can do anything you want.
36:08Yeah.
36:08Like what?
36:12Well, look at Socrates.
36:14I mean, he was past 70 when he took up musical instruments and learned it to dance.
36:17And have you seen the state of those ruins outside Athens?
36:21Disgraceful.
36:22If he'd spent his time studying double glazing instead of prancing around with a zither,
36:26we'd all be a lot better off.
36:33Birdie!
36:34Get off!
36:35Birdie!
36:36Bro!
36:37Leave her alone!
36:38Go on!
36:38Go away!
36:39Go away!
36:41Birdie!
36:43Geraldine!
36:45Geraldine!
36:46Geraldine, come back here!
36:48Your dog has just sexually assaulted my prized bitch!
36:52And she wasn't even in season!
36:54You've got no right bringing a dementiaed animal like that up on the heath!
36:58Geraldine!
36:59Geraldine!
37:00Come back here!
37:01I wonder if I could get seven to four against that bitch getting home first.
37:05Yeah.
37:06He tried to get off with her bitch.
37:08That's all I need.
37:09A lame, homosexual greyhound with failing sight.
37:12I think he knew what he was doing, all right.
37:15It must be something you fed him.
37:16I just gave him some of those doppelgangers from the Winchester.
37:20Hey.
37:21Do you remember what that bloke at the greyhound farm said?
37:24It could be dietary.
37:25Give him some more of them doppelgangers and get him back to the stud farm.
37:45Thanks.
37:52Lucy, I want you to do something for me.
37:56What did you have in mind?
37:59Can you get a couple of days off?
38:11Excuse me, I'm looking for Arthur Daly.
38:13I was told I might find him in here.
38:15Oh, yeah.
38:16I ain't seen him today.
38:17You can leave a message if you like.
38:19If I could.
38:20That's a fun idea.
38:21No banisters on the stairs.
38:23Glad you'll like it.
38:24If you could give Mr. Daly my card, I'd be grateful.
38:27It's very urgent.
38:30Film production, eh?
38:32You could have turned Arthur into a movie star.
38:34No, not quite.
38:36Just want to do some business with him.
38:37I see.
38:38Well, I'll make sure he gets you.
38:39Right.
38:40But here, keep him away from your banisters.
38:45Ah, right.
38:46I will.
38:47And thanks for your help.
38:50Excuse me.
38:51Um, I'm a business associate of Arthur's.
38:54Perhaps I can help.
38:55Would you like a drink?
38:57Oh, thank you very much.
38:58What do you have?
39:00This guy, Middleton, works in the film business.
39:03He's got his own company supplying stock, props, items for the movies.
39:08I've checked him out.
39:09Spoke to his secretary on that number.
39:11She said he was out dealing with a crisis.
39:14He certainly is.
39:17And that's where we come in.
39:19There's a big budget American movie being made out of Pinewood.
39:22Stars Jack Nicholson.
39:24A lot of the time, Nicholson drives around in a Trabant car.
39:28Now, yesterday, during the shooting, he wrote it off.
39:31Production at thousands of dollars a day is being held up
39:34while this guy, Middleton, tries to get his hands on a brand new Trabant.
39:38He's been in touch with his contacts at the registration office in Swansea.
39:42And guess whose name they've come up with?
39:46Arthur Dade.
39:50And how much is Mr. Middleton prepared to pay for the car?
39:53Put your own price on it.
39:55They're desperate.
39:57Hmm.
40:01Ray, are you sure?
40:02Yeah, I'll take it.
40:04You don't have to.
40:05I mean, I don't want you to get stuck with his car.
40:07It's all right, Arthur.
40:08I've got a mate over South London.
40:10Told me last night he's been looking to get hold of one of these for ages.
40:13Really?
40:13Yeah, I might even make a few quid out of it.
40:16Apart from anything else, it gets it off the manor.
40:18And after what happened with that piano, I owe you one.
40:21Well, I'm very grateful, Ray.
40:22All right, two grand.
40:23Same as I paid for it.
40:24Sweet.
40:25I'll give him a ring.
40:30Arthur!
40:31Nick?
40:33Look, Arthur, about that poker school.
40:36I've been feeling very bad about what happened.
40:40Luck of the draw, Nick?
40:41Luck of the draw?
40:42Hey, did you tell Ashley Brown what happened?
40:44Ashley Brown?
40:45Hmm.
40:46Of course not.
40:47Why?
40:48Well, you seem to find out damn fast.
40:50What do you want, anyway?
40:51Well, I thought that the proper thing to do would be to buy the car back from you.
40:56Don't want you to get stuck with it.
40:57Well, why should I get stuck with it?
40:59You told me these trabants are in great demand.
41:01I haven't had time to test the market yet, you know, pressure to work and all that.
41:05Yes, yes, of course.
41:06I, um, I'll give you back your £2,000 for it.
41:10I seem to remember you were going to give me three.
41:12Ah, yes.
41:14That was if I'd won.
41:16Ah.
41:16That's funny you were coming in like this.
41:18I agreed to sell it, not five minutes ago.
41:21Sell it?
41:22Yeah.
41:23Who to?
41:24Me.
41:28Um, how much for?
41:30I know your bloody business.
41:32Ah, yes, I've, uh, I've heard about you.
41:35I'd better be polite, shouldn't I?
41:37It won't help you get your hands on that trabant.
41:40Look, Arthur, it was some guy called Edward Middleton on the phone.
41:43Who?
41:43Desperate to speak to you.
41:45I said you'd call him back.
41:46Um, look, Arthur, I'll, um, I'll give you the £3,000 I promised you.
41:51Don't worry, Arthur.
41:52I'll match his £3,000.
41:55Four?
41:56I'll give you £4,000, Arthur.
41:59Five?
41:59I'll give you five.
42:01It's all right, Arthur, I've got savings.
42:04Six.
42:05Six grand.
42:07£7,000.
42:11Nine, Arthur.
42:13£9,000.
42:18Nine and a half, Arthur.
42:20That's me best offer.
42:22And don't forget, you promised to sell it to me before he turned up.
42:27£10,000 in your hand right now.
42:32Cash, Arthur.
42:34And I'll drive it away this minute.
42:46All right, Nick, it's yours.
42:47£10,000, cash in the end.
42:52I'll be inside, Arthur, if you want me.
43:02Give me the cash and get this car out of here quick.
43:05I've got a bad taste in my mouth, and I'm not sure which of us two put it there.
43:26Raymond.
43:28What can I say?
43:33How about beginning with thank you?
43:36What?
43:37I may not know much about Medina Ruttwrights, but I know a kind of compulsive gambler.
43:42Nick Rutherford overhears someone desperately inquiring for Arthur Daly.
43:46In the Winchester, probably.
43:48Well, here's this fella.
43:49Let's call him Edward Middleton.
43:51Saying how desperate he is to lay his hands on a troubled motor car.
43:55Willing to pay a fortune for it.
43:58Well, out of the blue, this large gold brick is just falling at Nick's feet.
44:02Checks it out, of course.
44:03Wants to make sure Middleton's on the up and up.
44:06Phones his office.
44:07Speaks to Middleton's secretary.
44:09Let's say she's called Lucy.
44:12I think he's going to learn that in this life, when you bend down to pick up one of those
44:16gold bricks,
44:17some rotten sod comes along and kicks you right up the jacksie.
44:21Now buy us a drink and I'll tell you the rest.
44:24But, Ray, supposing I'd yielded to my better instincts and let you have the car for two grand
44:28and told Nick Rutherford what to do with his offer?
44:31Arthur, I was banking on you keeping your better instincts under control.
44:35And I'm delighted to say you didn't let me down.
44:40Ray, have you really got nine and a half grand in the bank?
44:44No.
44:47Yes, Mr. Fletcher.
44:49Has he?
44:52I see, Mr. Fletcher.
44:56Arthur, the banisters.
44:58What about them banisters?
44:59It's got to be cheaper to chop up the piano.
45:01Trust me, Dave, trust me.
45:03I've heard that before, Arthur.
45:05The two days are up, you know.
45:06Excellent, Mr. Fletcher, excellent.
45:07Tell him to keep it up.
45:09And good work, of course.
45:11Yeah, hello.
45:13All right, it looks like them doppelgangers are working.
45:16Lightning birdies striking all over the stud farm.
45:18Yeah, I think I might try one of those doppelgangers meself.
45:21You'll be careful.
45:22Arthur, have you any idea what a new set of banisters is going to cost?
45:29As it happens, yes.
45:32Ray, my son, you're on a bonus.
45:34Let's have some fresh drinks.
45:36I'm getting them in.
45:36There you are, Dave.
45:38Well, what's all this, then?
45:39Well, unless I've miscounted, it's a thousand pounds.
45:42A piano and a ban of scissors are on me.
45:44And that's a grand off what I owe you for my investment in Winchester.
45:49I think I'm going to faint.
45:51I'll be looking at the moon
45:55And I'll be seeing you
46:01Hey, come on, Arthur.
46:02Give us a song.
46:03Yeah.
46:03All right.
46:05Yeah, I will.
46:05It's a pity those three jokers aren't here enjoy the party, Arthur.
46:08Ray, my son, they're singing a very different song now.
46:11One full of pain.
46:13Go on.
46:14Go on.
46:18Regrets, I've had a few
46:21But then again, too few to mention
46:24I've done what I had to do
46:28And saw it through without exemption
46:31I've steered each chartered corpse
46:34Each careful step along the highway
46:38And there, much more than this
46:41I've done it my way
46:45Yes, there were times
46:47I'm sure you knew
46:49When I'd been off...
46:50Arthur.
46:51What?
46:51Melons.
46:53Oh.
47:01You've replaced your banisters.
47:0529 minutes inside your deadline.
47:09Yeah, sorry about that.
47:10Must come as a deep disappointment to you
47:14Never mind
47:16I thought I heard singing as I came in here just now
47:19I sincerely hope I didn't
47:21There's no music licence for the Winchester Club
47:24And as far as I'm concerned, there never will be
47:36Don't worry, Dave
47:38Right?
47:39Get your chainsaw and get your piano out of here
47:41Let's see if you missed the flashfather
47:42Ooh
47:42Pokeрипton
47:43I lightly
47:43Cool
47:43definitions
47:43Well, in the 70's
47:44The first thing
47:44We'll talk
47:44In the 30's
47:44What the heck
47:44about
47:45When we
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