- 9 hours ago
First broadcast 3rd February 1994.
Having sold an over-priced and less than roadworthy Austin Allegro to a nun, Sister Angelica, things start to go wrong for Arthur.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Metin Yenal - Bjorn
Sidney Livingstone - Bert
Frances Cuka - Sister Angelica
Tim Wylton - Smiler
Richard Durden - Dr. Jarvis
Edda Sharpe - Sister Virginia
Peter Shorey - Hacksaw Harry
Kevork Malikyan - Chico
Mike Savage - Dipso Pete
Niall Toibin - Priest
Andy Greenhalgh - Freddy
Jerry Harte - Jorgensen
Joe Alessi - Fidel (as Joseph Alessi)
Perry Benson - Tiny
Peter Gunn - Clive
Morgan Jones - Eric
Andy Mulligan - Mechanic
Peter Allen - Winchester Club Patron
Having sold an over-priced and less than roadworthy Austin Allegro to a nun, Sister Angelica, things start to go wrong for Arthur.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Metin Yenal - Bjorn
Sidney Livingstone - Bert
Frances Cuka - Sister Angelica
Tim Wylton - Smiler
Richard Durden - Dr. Jarvis
Edda Sharpe - Sister Virginia
Peter Shorey - Hacksaw Harry
Kevork Malikyan - Chico
Mike Savage - Dipso Pete
Niall Toibin - Priest
Andy Greenhalgh - Freddy
Jerry Harte - Jorgensen
Joe Alessi - Fidel (as Joseph Alessi)
Perry Benson - Tiny
Peter Gunn - Clive
Morgan Jones - Eric
Andy Mulligan - Mechanic
Peter Allen - Winchester Club Patron
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:03I would have knocked Bjorn, but I was otherwise engaged.
00:05It is not the asking, but the bidding, as we see at home.
00:09I couldn't agree with you more.
00:12You have the desktop agitation that will leave us?
00:14The very latest model.
00:27You'll feel the worries queuing up to jump overboard, can't you?
00:30There's a mistake, surely.
00:32Bung one of those on your desk, Bjorn,
00:33and your agitation levels will be in the basement before you know it.
00:37Mr. Daly, desktop meant for a computer.
00:42Advanced graphics, VGA.
00:43Bjorn, computers do not relieve stress.
00:46They cause it. Ask anyone.
00:48I hope Mr. Jorgensen agrees with you.
00:51It's a brave man who walks backwards into the cave of the snowcat.
00:56The list is down to one page.
00:58Bjorn, I detect a note of dread. No need.
01:02By the time Mr. Jorgensen makes his recce,
01:04daily enterprises will have delivered.
01:05He arrives at six tomorrow.
01:07Everything will be here on time. You have the daily guarantee.
01:10That is good. Because if the goods are not here,
01:14you will not be paid.
01:36Have I got a treat for you, Ray?
01:48Nice body work.
01:49It's a lovely little vehicle.
01:51There's nothing wrong with how it looks tiny.
01:54All right, so the steering's a bit on the heavy side,
01:56and I'll admit the tyres have got a touch of the old Tally Sabalis.
02:00But basically, it's a sound car.
02:02One. Five.
02:04I'll give you three.
02:05Four.
02:06Three, two, five.
02:07Three, fifty, and I'll sling in a logbook
02:10that swears that Elvis used to own it.
02:14Oh, she'll miss this little motor.
02:16It's a thoroughbred brake.
02:18You sure you're not getting out of your depth?
02:20The secret of business success, Dave,
02:23is never to be intimidated by the matter in hand.
02:25You do not climb Everest by standing at the bottom
02:27and thinking how slippery it looks.
02:29Yeah, yeah.
02:29But what do you know about aqua massage pools?
02:32Very good if you do a lot of heavy lifting work.
02:34I thought you might stick one in that cubby hole by the cellar.
02:37I don't see what's wrong with hot bar to drop the radux.
02:40I couldn't agree more, Dave.
02:41But the fact is, there are thousands of jittery individuals
02:44looking for professional help on the unwinding front.
02:47And they pay good money.
02:49Yeah, but look, Arthur,
02:50the low prices you're charging,
02:52I mean, don't pay for the instruction books
02:53on art with these things.
02:54Well, that's because I got most of the stuff
02:56through my usual outlets.
02:57I didn't have to go through the official channels.
02:58You sure, Arthur?
03:00You cannot tell the difference, Dave.
03:02I mean, these brochures are all right
03:03for giving you an idea of what the customer has in mind.
03:05But you only use them as a guideline, not gospel.
03:08I'd better see if they're understark those orders.
03:09Is Ray delivering this stuff?
03:11Yeah, with outside help.
03:12Who are you using?
03:13Dips O.P.
03:14You're joking.
03:15No, no, no. He's off it.
03:17Well, most of the time.
03:18Best of luck, Arthur.
03:19I shall keep my fingers crossed for you.
03:21No need, Dave.
03:22In the words of Sir Edmund,
03:23nothing is unsurmountable
03:25if you've got enough Sherpas.
03:39What are you doing?
03:40Charlie bought it in.
03:42It's not brilliant, but we'll make a few quid on it.
03:44How much you pay?
03:45Three and a half.
03:47You'd have a completely different attitude to life, Ray,
03:50if you'd suffered the indignities of rationing.
03:52Yeah, what are you doing?
03:53You'd be less likely to register as a charity
03:55and more inclined to hang on to your assets.
03:57Arthur, that is far too high.
03:59Price one car low in a collection
04:01and you cast aspersions on all the others.
04:03Yeah, but come on, Arthur.
04:04I mean, there's mark-up and then there's mark-up.
04:06I couldn't agree with you more.
04:19Ray, your one's getting in the twitch
04:20about everything arriving on time.
04:22You did double-check them lists, didn't you?
04:23Treble-checked.
04:24Good, come over to this.
04:25I want you in constant touch.
04:27What for?
04:27I'm not taking any chances.
04:29All history's great disasters
04:31have been heralded by a moment
04:33of seemingly inconsequential risk-taking.
04:35Think of our cricket team.
04:37One man's bowl of prawns
04:38becomes a nation's humiliation.
04:40Look, I've been through every single thing
04:42on Beyond's list.
04:43Good boy.
04:43Well, that reminds me,
04:44all that bump you put together
04:45about stress management
04:46went down very well at the American end.
04:48You, uh, you might find a little something extra
04:51in your wage pack at the end of the month.
04:53Look, I'll pop over to Axel and Addy.
04:55You sort out the jacuzzis
04:57with Fitness Freddy, all right?
04:58Yeah, I thought we weren't supposed
04:59to call them jacuzzis anymore.
05:01Only in front of people
05:02who paid for aqua massager pools.
05:04Excuse me.
05:09Oh, are you collecting?
05:11Your pardon?
05:12I do apologise.
05:13I don't think we got the envelope.
05:15Here.
05:15Always happy to help a lady of the cloth.
05:19Now, when you've done that...
05:20I like this one.
05:21I'm delighted.
05:22We do have a fairly extensive range.
05:24I'd like to buy it.
05:28It's exactly what I've been looking for.
05:33Would you, uh, care to sit in?
05:38Bless you.
05:40And that is a very competitive price,
05:42as I'm sure you've already noticed.
05:43Arthur.
05:44It's not worth Arthur.
05:46Ray, worth is measured
05:47by what people are prepared
05:48to pay for something.
05:49Now, come on, on your way.
05:50The clock's ticking.
05:51Arthur, she's enough.
05:53That fact they've not gone unnoticed.
05:55That motor is the perfect
05:56little runaround for her.
05:58Arthur, you couldn't.
06:02Watch.
06:08Arthur's got his hands full, Freddy.
06:09But he wants me to check
06:10that everything's ready
06:11to go for tomorrow.
06:12You can wheel them
06:12straight out the doors.
06:14I wouldn't recommend lifting them
06:16without a winch, though.
06:17They're into hernia territory, Ray.
06:30How come you never feared?
06:32I started thinking
06:33about the bacteria.
06:34All that hot water
06:35and all them different people
06:36getting in and out all day.
06:38Yeah, but the chemicals
06:38would kill everything.
06:39It's easy for you to say, Ray.
06:41Strapping lad, fit.
06:43You've got to think
06:44of God's more fragile creatures.
06:46Come on, I'll show you the fitment.
07:06It's a lovely shape.
07:08And the matching colour's
07:10very agreeable,
07:11if I may say so.
07:14I'll have it.
07:15You won't regret it.
07:17Will you take a check?
07:18Ah, er, I heard that, er.
07:21Yeah, I'll go.
07:26Oh, er, would you excuse me
07:30a moment, madam?
07:33Arthur, I don't believe it.
07:34Is there a reason for this visit?
07:36Or have you decided
07:36the deadline we're working to
07:37is a bit on the generous side?
07:39Arthur, you're ripping her off.
07:40Sister Angelica is delighted
07:42with her purchase.
07:43Who am I to stand
07:44in the way of such happiness?
07:45I just hope nothing
07:46goes wrong with it, Arthur.
07:47You've got to remember
07:48who she works for.
07:49God, that'd be ridiculous.
07:50You thought the maitens
07:51looked after their own.
07:52You just wait.
07:52Ray, I have personally
07:54ridden in that motor
07:55and it is well worthy
07:56of its daily stamp
07:57of quality control.
07:58Arthur, you gave one of them
08:00a Ronnie Clark's Cabriolet.
08:01Freak gusts the wind, Ray.
08:03How was Freddy?
08:03The jacuzzis are fine.
08:05Well, he's a bit worried
08:05he might have rabies.
08:07Here you are, Mr. Daly.
08:08All present and correct.
08:10Excuse me.
08:11You sure you don't want
08:12to try one of the others?
08:13A cheaper one?
08:14No.
08:16That's the one.
08:18A connoisseur
08:19of a fine automobile, Ray.
08:21Well, if you'd like
08:21to step into the office,
08:22my lady,
08:23I'll deal with the documentation.
08:24And if you can square it
08:26with your conscience,
08:26I'd like you to check out
08:27Dipso once more.
08:28As soon as I've done
08:29the paperwork,
08:30I'll nip over to Axor.
08:34Good morning.
08:36Oi, what the...
08:38Good morning.
08:39Mr. Santos says
08:41to remember
08:41that today's the day.
08:43Or you know
08:44what to expect.
08:45Okay?
08:48Tell him
08:49they'll be there on time.
08:50As promised.
08:57I can see
08:58you're a man
08:59of your word,
09:00Mr. Daly.
09:01My motto
09:01has always been
09:02do unto others
09:03as they would do
09:04unto you
09:05if they had
09:06the chance.
09:06Oh!
09:08Um...
09:09Do you happen
09:10to remember
09:11a song called
09:11Blue Suede Shoes?
09:14Oh, yeah.
09:14I can see you later
09:17but you get to go
09:19with me
09:21I'm thinking
09:22that I made it
09:24I can get
09:25to let her be
09:28Slow down the hall
09:30break,
09:31take my five
09:32No one's gonna
09:33stop me
09:34if we let me
09:35Slow down the hall
09:37back and dive
09:38as far
09:53I'm sure you
09:54should wear
09:54something
09:54over your ears
09:55that's all
09:56Never seems
09:57to bother me
09:57Arthur
09:58I expect
09:58you got used
09:59to it
09:59Must have
10:00What can I do
10:01for you?
10:02Oh, I just
10:02thought I'd pop in
10:03and see everything
10:04was going
10:04according to schedule
10:05You know
10:06your relaxation
10:07tables
10:08Oh, yeah
10:09absolutely
10:10Have a look
10:11Thought I might
10:11as well crack on
10:12while I've got
10:12to do spare time
10:14What's that?
10:15Well, it'll be
10:16the base
10:16I'll have to
10:17subdivide it
10:18and then
10:18Where's the rest?
10:19How do you mean?
10:20It should be
10:21all padded out
10:22and there should
10:22be a motor
10:23Look
10:26Gotta get the
10:27basics done
10:27first, Arthur
10:28Pray work
10:29But he's being
10:30picked up tomorrow
10:31with another
10:32of the same
10:37Right
10:39Anyhow
10:39I reckon
10:40I've sussed out
10:41the best way
10:41of fitting
10:41the gearing system
10:42Axel
10:43I think
10:43you're beginning
10:44the mistake
10:44rising panic
10:45with leg pulling
10:46You are?
10:486am
10:49Pete's
10:49vehicular services
10:50will be here
10:51to spirit
10:52two relaxation
10:52tables
10:53and a tub
10:54full of grease
10:54to the stress
10:55management centre
10:56Next month
10:57Arthur
10:5716th of July
10:5916th of June
11:00Axel
11:01Tomorrow
11:01I remember
11:02telling you
11:03No
11:03You said
11:04July
11:05Arthur
11:05I remember
11:06I heard you
11:07clear as a bell
11:09Oh no
11:12I've given
11:12guarantees
11:14Signed bits
11:14of paper
11:15Keep calm
11:16Arthur
11:16Right
11:16Calm is something
11:17you do not have
11:18when you've got
11:18a financial disaster
11:19hanging over your head
11:20And I'd like to point out
11:22I've already forked out
11:23considerable sums of cash
11:24to fund this operation
11:25We won't see a penny
11:26of that back
11:27unless we complete
11:27the job on time
11:28You could try
11:29one of the main
11:30suppliers
11:31Pay the book price
11:32Who's cracking up now
11:35It was precisely
11:36because I knew
11:36I had an alternative
11:37source of equipment
11:38that I was able
11:39to tender so low
11:40Here
11:40What's that
11:41It's from Nobby
11:42He can't get hold
11:43of the VCRs for Chico
11:44until tomorrow morning
11:45Oh my God
11:46That's all right
11:47We've got one of Pete's boys
11:48to pick them up
11:48and drop them off
11:49first thing
11:49Chico ain't going to get upset
11:51because they're 12 hours late
11:52is he
11:52He's already upset
11:53He sent one of his polo team
11:54round to say so
11:55All right
11:56It's all sunny
11:57Right
11:57You don't know Chico
11:58His recent return
11:59to South America
12:00was not because
12:01he was missing the alfalfa
12:02That man has been concerned
12:04in some very unpleasant deals
12:05Yeah like what
12:06Never you mind
12:07Suffice it to say
12:09he hasn't touched
12:09a scrap of corn beef
12:10since Shergar disappeared
12:12It never rains does it
12:13Just when you think
12:14you're sent victory
12:15Look Arthur
12:16Arnett round
12:17Explain that we've been let down
12:19You better
12:19Those videos were
12:20by way of remuneration
12:21and I do not want Chico
12:23to think I'm reneging
12:24I'll check with Gunter
12:25about the exercise bicycles
12:27We cannot afford
12:27any more cock-ups
12:33Lates, lakes
12:34First thing tomorrow
12:35First thing next century
12:37What's the difference?
12:39I needed them today
12:40We've been let down Chico
12:44Cash then
12:45We're a bit stretched
12:46at the moment
12:46We just had to put
12:48a lot up front
12:48for a new job
12:49You don't say
12:51Listen
12:51Arthur pays me in videos
12:53Arthur pays me in cash
12:55Arthur pays me in gold
12:56I don't care
12:58But Arthur pays me
12:59And he pays me on time
13:0111 before breakfast
13:03Guaranteed
13:04Look if anything was dirty
13:05I wouldn't have bothered
13:06getting in touch with you
13:10It's no way to end up
13:11Is it, Rick?
13:14Modest
13:15I thought they were
13:15collector's items
13:17Not the car, Ray
13:19That's a Ford
13:24Large VAT, Dave
13:25And the executive lunch
13:27That'll be three pound
13:28for cash, Arthur
13:29Don't be silly, Dave
13:30Put it on the tab
13:31What if you couldn't pay?
13:33What if something happened to you?
13:35Like what?
13:35I don't know
13:36Usual things
13:37Like a plague of locusts
13:39Or turn it into
13:39a pillar of salt
13:40You know, that sort of stuff
13:41Dave, what is all this about?
13:43That motor, Arthur
13:44The one you sold to the nun
13:46Ray's been in
13:47That boy has no sense of urgency
13:49I know business is business, Arthur
13:50But you've got to realise
13:51Look, she came in
13:52of her own free will
13:53and drove off
13:54in the car of her dreams
13:55I know that, Arthur
13:56But the fact remains
13:57that that motor
13:57was priced well over the odds
13:59You know that
14:00Ray knows that
14:00And he knows that
14:02Dave, if you and Raymond
14:03had a long history
14:04of ecumenical involvement
14:05I could understand this behaviour
14:07But as it is
14:08I find your sudden desire
14:09to fight the good fight
14:10rather baffling
14:10I have also served, Arthur
14:12You what?
14:13As you remember
14:14I was the altar boy
14:15at St Saviour's
14:17Benedictus
14:17Benny de Cat
14:18As I remember
14:19you lasted two years
14:20and were slung out
14:21for peddling seditious literature
14:22behind a vestry
14:23Yeah, but it stays with you, Arthur
14:25I knows what I'm talking about
14:27It's divine retribution
14:28I have done nothing wrong
14:30And I think you'll find
14:31celestial retaliation
14:32went out with the Inquisition
14:33And now if you'll excuse me
14:35I'm running to a very tight schedule
14:36Oh, I'll please yourself, Arthur
14:38I mean, you might be lucky
14:39as long as that motor
14:40keeps going
14:57I'm sorry to rush you, Smiler
14:58but unless everything's
14:59bolted down by six tomorrow
15:00they won't pay
15:01Fair dues, Arthur
15:02It came to me out of the blue
15:04That Christmas party
15:05a few years back
15:07Charlie Andrews
15:07and then Gasper's missus
15:09were, um...
15:10Yeah, yeah, yeah
15:11wholly inappropriate, Arthur
15:11Oh, I quite agree, Smiler
15:12I quite agree
15:13The thing is
15:14have you still got them?
15:15Not the same ones, Arthur
15:16but I have got the replacements
15:17for the ones I've replaced them with
15:19So I upgrade my stock
15:20every couple of years, Arthur
15:22I wouldn't have thought
15:22you had them, Smiler
15:23I mean, it's not as if
15:24your customers are going
15:24to up and complain, is it?
15:26Pride, Arthur
15:26When I send somebody
15:28off
15:29they get the best
15:30I'll tell you what
15:31the facilities I got out back
15:33I've stayed in worse hotels
15:39What do you reckon?
15:41Are they adjustable?
15:42Plug them straight into the mains
15:44They don't move that fast
15:46I never had much need
15:47I think they'll do very nicely, Smiler
15:49I'll get Ray to fit turbos
15:51where necessary
15:52Now, how much did we say?
15:55I can't tell you what a jam
15:57you got me out of, Smiler
15:58You'll pick them up first thing
16:00It's all arranged
16:01Right
16:01See you soon, Arthur
16:05What's he winking for?
16:09Oh, no
16:10I don't believe it
16:19Candy
16:21What's up?
16:22Don't I look like a tip?
16:26Completely unprovoked
16:42Where's the car?
16:44Slight territorial conjure time
16:45with a lawyer
16:45You'll have to sort it out
16:46Everything all right here?
16:47Depends on what you're used to
16:49Chico's giving us till tomorrow morning
16:50If not, it's one of us
16:52and the crusher
16:52Oh, Ray, you have done well
16:54Yeah, and Bjorn's called to say
16:55he needs them exercise bikes
16:56and buy two at the latest
16:57He's got some sort of press call
16:58Look, aren't we under enough pressure
17:00as it is?
17:00Well, what about the tables?
17:02Oh, Smiler can oblige with those
17:03but they will need some work done
17:04after they've been delivered
17:05Look, Arthur
17:06you don't think we've bitten off
17:07more than we can chew, do you?
17:08Oh, please, Ray
17:09Nobody likes a doubting Thomas
17:14In your own time, Ray
17:16I must have left it on a latch
17:17Here, Arthur, you've got your keys
17:19Mine are inside
17:20Ray, it is matters of ill planning like this
17:22that can cause untold damage
17:24to hitherto smooth-running operations
17:26Here you are
17:27Sorry
17:32Oh, come on, let me try
17:39Smash the window
17:40Are you sure, Arthur?
17:41Well, we can hardly conduct
17:42a highly sophisticated production
17:44and delivery operation
17:45from out here, can we?
17:46Well, they don't come cheap, these windows
17:47Smash the window, Ray
17:49I don't believe it
17:51The day is going swimmingly
17:52Then suddenly
17:53out of the blue
17:55for no reason whatsoever
17:57things start to go wrong
18:19Do you play a lot of basketball?
18:20Eric
18:21Be careful
18:22I am
18:23Chico is expecting premier service, Pete
18:26We don't do no other kind, Arthur
18:28I'm very glad to hear it
18:30Eric
18:31They're delicate
18:33How do we handle delicate items?
18:35With fitness
18:37Finesse, Eric
18:39Look, I can't hang about, Arthur
18:40You're tying up two of my vans already
18:42I need this one
18:43Look, I know time is tight, Pete
18:44But I'll be very grateful
18:45if you would ensure
18:46that the boys don't unload more bits
18:48than they slung on
18:49All right
18:53Eric
18:59Oh, do you know anything about these?
19:01No, not those, Mark
19:04We say you must first catch the bear
19:07before you can skin him, Mr. Daly
19:08Really?
19:09Always thought of you as a nation of animal lovers, Bjorn
19:11It is as well, you're early
19:12Well, no point in leaving everything to a mad dash
19:14at the end of the day, sir
19:15The aqua massages
19:17Excellent
19:17How are they?
19:18Up to scratch?
19:19See for yourself
19:35Cheers, mate
19:35All right
19:40There you go
19:43What are they?
19:44Well, I don't know what you call them
19:46I'd say they was bikes
19:48Mr. Jorgensen will already be on his plane, Mr. Daly
19:50And as yet there are two holes awaiting him
19:53And a full page
19:54There's a perfectly reasonable explanation, Bjorn
19:57Mr. Jorgensen lists as the three things
20:00he most expects of his employees
20:02Success
20:03Success
20:05And success
20:07This hardly falls into any of those categories
20:09Excuse me a moment
20:10Excuse me a moment
20:11My deputy and me are in constant touch
20:15Hello, Ray
20:16No, madam
20:17Wrong number
20:18I won't be a minute
20:28What is the matter with you?
20:36Good morning
20:37Ray, thank God
20:39I keep getting her indoors
20:41I am using it properly
20:43It's kaput
20:43Now, where is everything?
20:46Bjorn is going positively evangelical
20:48I don't know
20:49You saw Dipso last
20:50Yeah, yeah, Arthur
20:51That ain't the half of it
20:52Gunter's bikes
20:53Yeah, yeah, well, they're here
20:54But
20:55Well, it ain't quite right
20:57What do you mean, not right?
20:58Yeah, no, I'll come over
21:00Unlucky is not the word, Ray
21:02Ray
21:02Ray, Ray
21:04What is going wrong?
21:06Are you all right?
21:07Oh, yeah, yeah
21:08I'm perfectly all right
21:08It's just the phone that wants a kick in
21:10Let me guess
21:11Black Monday
21:13Pardon?
21:13You get up in the morning
21:15All the world's your oyster
21:16Then
21:16PASH
21:17You're not worth the time of day
21:19You take comfort in drink
21:21Recreational drugs
21:22Casual, sexual affairs
21:24Anything to deaden the pain
21:26To release you from that abject feeling of failure and self-loathing
21:31I'm fitting the jacuzzis
21:33Of course you are
21:34I'm second door on the left
21:36Top of the stairs
21:40Gunter
21:40I specifically asked for exercise bicycles
21:44What do you mean, you rider, when they give you exercise?
21:46Now, look, forget it, forget it
21:47I'll sort something out
21:51This job's jinxed, Arthur
21:52Don't be ridiculous
21:53You cannot expect to bring off a business coup of this magnitude without the odd itch
21:57You'll just have to customise them
21:58Eh?
21:59All the deals we've done, and he has to leave it to the 11th hour
22:05Who the hell are you?
22:06Mr. Santos asked me to call
22:08You ever heard a knocking?
22:09Mr. Santos was expecting a delivery this morning
22:11And?
22:11No sign when I left
22:12Well, it's all in there
22:13And Arthur saw them loaded
22:14Mr. Santos thought you might appreciate a reminder
22:16In case it had slipped your mind
22:18If you're trying to put the frightens on us, you better say so
22:20Then we all know where we stand, don't we?
22:22And you can tell Chico
22:23He'll get his videos
22:24If there's any delay, it'll be the traffic
22:26In the meantime, he's not the only bloke we do business with
22:29And we're a bit too busy at the moment
22:30To get involved in all this macho crap
22:32You got me?
22:33Mr. Santos does not like his time wasted
22:35Yeah, nor do I
22:37Shut the door on your way out
22:48Those videos should have been there hours ago
22:49Yeah, I'll see Pete
22:50You cope with the bicycles
22:52How?
22:53Well, use your imagination
22:54Splash a bit of bright paint on them
22:55Stick one of those speedo things on the handlebars
22:57I got from Larry
22:58They're automators, Arthur
22:59Well, not anymore, they're not
23:07You should have called, Arthur
23:08Save yourself a trip, Arthur
23:09I'm having one or two telecommunication blips at the moment, Pete
23:13What, you fancy a drop?
23:14Steady your nerves
23:15No, no, no, my nerves are all right
23:16I just want to know where two jacuzzis and 53 video recorders have disappeared to
23:22Well, that's easy
23:22Like I said, Arthur
23:23You should have saved yourself a trip
23:25In transit
23:26Still
23:27Look, have I made myself perfectly clear, Pete?
23:30I am working on an extremely tight schedule
23:33And in Chico's case
23:35A short list of one to make the inside of a tin of frayed bentos
23:38Well, I can't tell you exactly where the gear is, Arthur
23:41It's definitely on the way
23:43It's somewhere between its pick-up point and its destination
23:47Problem solved
23:48Oh, for once they're out on the road
23:50Spear me the details, just sort it out
23:56Everything all right?
23:58Oh, a couple of transportation blips, that's all
23:59Oh, yeah, yeah, that reminds me
24:02Raycord
24:03Them jacuzzis
24:04They have just been delivered back to Freddy's gym
24:06Now he wants them shifted
24:08Apparently they are confusing people
24:09He's already caught a bloke trying to deadlift one over his head
24:12What have I done to deserve this?
24:24Afternoon
24:25What's the other visit?
24:26Yeah, what are you doing here?
24:27I want them bicycles finished
24:28It's all right, they're done
24:29Pete sent a van around to pick them up
24:31I tried to call you
24:31No, I switched it off, Ray
24:32It was upsetting my digestion
24:34Here, Arthur
24:34There's something you should know before you go in there
24:36You know how sometimes people joke about those days
24:40When nothing goes right
24:47You haven't seen him?
24:48Yeah
24:48How was he?
24:48Fine, he was more concerned about the relaxation tables
24:56His formaldehyde preserves the bodies
24:59Can't you get rid of it?
25:00We tried, Arthur, but it's ingrained
25:02You've got to realise these tables have seen a lot of action
25:04Spare me the details
25:06Yeah, that's not all, Arthur
25:07These motors are knackered
25:08You try and tweak them up and they overeat
25:10Has good news gone out of fashion?
25:12We could try flinging something on top, Arthur
25:15Mask, the pickling gear
25:16Whatever it takes, Mylar
25:18I'll tell you, Arthur, we're cursed
25:20Look, it's beliefs like that
25:21At our forefathers slinging anyone with a squint on the bonfire
25:25Now, get on to Dipso
25:26Tell him I want those videos
25:28Round at Chico's within the hour
25:30Otherwise, the next slammer he experiences
25:32Will not be the alcoholic variety
25:34I'll get Dave to sort out the motors
25:35Dave?
25:36What he can't do with a drop of DW40 and a posi drive
25:39Yeah, but you sure he'll turn out, Arthur?
25:40What do you mean?
25:41Well, I gather that he thought that being near you right now
25:43Was like standing under a tree in an electrical storm
25:45I have already broached the question
25:47Of Dave's ridiculous superstitions with him
25:49Don't add fuel to the fire
25:53Ray Daly?
25:55Pete, just the mat
25:57You what?
25:59Yeah
26:00Yeah, I'll let him know
26:02Well, the jacuzzis around at Chico's
26:04He's refusing to let him go until he gets his videos
26:09I've got nothing to feel guilty about
26:11I've done nothing wrong
26:12I am innocent
26:13Of course you are, Mr. Daly
26:16It's not your fault
26:17Feelings of disgust, revulsion, sexual inadequacy
26:20They're all quite normal responses to failure
26:23But you're quite right
26:24It's not your fault
26:25Anybody can foul up
26:27Yeah, I'm sorry
26:28I'm too busy to chat right now
26:29Mr. Daly
26:32Mr. Daly
26:35My door is always open
26:42Ridiculous
26:44Hysterical
26:46Are sung in a school choir
26:50Ma credentials are impeccable
27:01Don't mind me
27:02I've got all day
27:24I believe
27:40Here, Arthur, what's up?
27:42I've had an experience
27:44The road to Neasden
27:46Wallop
27:47Yeah, you look terrible
27:48Come on, sit down
27:49No, no, no, no time, Ray
27:50I've seen the light
27:51We must press on
27:52No, no, it's all right
27:52I've done them all
27:53No, no, no, not that
27:54The nun's car
27:55That's the only way we're going to pull this off
27:58What are you talking about?
27:59I want you to go over to the monastery
28:00Or wherever she lives
28:01And tell her
28:02You are going to give her a motor
28:03The daily in-service once-over
28:05Yeah, what's that mean?
28:06Check it out
28:07Every nut, bolt, screw
28:09Engine, interior
28:10Whatever needs fixing
28:11Fix it
28:12Wax it, polish it
28:13Full tank of petrol
28:14Get back here as soon as you can
28:15Yeah, but Arthur
28:16It's not a new car
28:17There's bound to be things that I can't do
28:18I don't care, Ray
28:19Whatever it needs
28:20Do it
28:20By the time you're finished
28:22I want that motor immaculate
28:24It's our only hope
28:28Mr. Daly?
28:34Sister Angelica's had to pop out for a while
28:36She asked me to make sure you're well looked after
28:39Great
28:41Is anything wrong?
28:43No
28:44Do you need anything?
28:46No, thanks, sir
28:46Got it all under control
28:48Do you mind if I watch?
28:50No, sure
28:52Sister Virginia
28:55Virginia
29:01Look, Arthur, you are putting the record straight
29:03Ray is there now
29:05Checking that if we did inadvertently sell at a slightly inflated price
29:09The motor is guaranteed trouble-free for the rest of its natural
29:11It's the right thing to do, Arthur
29:13Yeah, well, meanwhile, the clock's still ticking
29:14We've got one or two of our own problems to sort out
29:16Yeah, well, fair enough
29:17Now, where are these tables?
29:19Down that corridor
29:20Turn left
29:20Follow the smell of south derrings
29:25Could you pass us a screwdriver, please?
29:28Cross or slot?
29:29Eh?
29:29Phillips or ordinary
29:31If it's the alternator loop, you want the small crosshead, won't you?
29:35The alternator's damaged, isn't it?
29:37Yeah, but...
29:38Sorry, shouldn't interfere
29:40But when there are obvious things...
29:44Obvious?
29:45Well, the thermostat housing's cracked
29:48The solenoid needs replacing
29:51And I think the front suspension needs looking at...
29:54You sure?
29:56I'm not absolutely certain about the suspension
29:59It's an educated guess
30:28Chico
30:28Oh, nice
30:29I was just on my way round
30:31You have your passport in the glove compartment
30:34I am not a runner, Chico
30:35I know there's been further delay
30:37But I personally saw the videos loaded on at the site of my other business
30:40So where are they?
30:42In transit
30:42Your boy gave me guarantees
30:44In the supreme belief that our carrier would not let us down
30:47I want the videos, Arthur
30:48I want them now
30:49Trust me, Chico
30:51They're on their way
30:52I counted them out
30:55Very well
30:57It's very public-spirited of you, Chico
30:59It puts that whole business of Sir Ralph Ramsay and Ratting into perspective
31:03I want a thousand compensation for the day so far
31:06Plus five hundred for storing your chacuzzis
31:09You can arrange for them to be picked up whenever you want
31:12Fifteen hundred?
31:14Fidel is all for physical penalties
31:17Arm-twisting, leg-breaking
31:18Yeah, I know the sort of thing
31:20But I'm sure we'd both much rather avoid that
31:22Wherever possible
31:23Fifteen hundred then
31:25No checks or credit cards
31:31So where didn't you help her choose the car?
31:34I'm still a novice
31:35Not allowed out of the grounds
31:38Besides, Sister Angelica said she'd know straight away
31:40If the man she was buying from wasn't trustworthy
31:43So where'd you learn about motors then?
31:45Voluntary service
31:46In Africa
31:47Specialised in vehicle mechanics
31:49Yeah, is that where you got converted?
31:52I'm not a gas oven
31:54Sorry
31:56Stop apologising
31:57Yeah, sorry
31:58Right
31:59It's just I'm not used to
32:00Well, you know, you being a...
32:02I won't bite
32:03No
32:05No, I reckon if anyone can resist temptation, I'm sure you can
32:10You were really prepared to service everything?
32:13Uh-huh
32:14You think the head gasket's seen better days?
32:16Head gasket?
32:19There's a fortune there in new parts
32:21It's got to be done
32:23Arthur and Sister, all his customers getting value for money
32:26Yeah, it's like your sister said
32:28He is a man you can trust
32:33Thank God, the bicycles
32:39I was about to send out a search party
32:41I got held up
32:42Dad says I've got to tell you
32:44You've had a call at the office
32:45Someone trying to get in touch
32:46It was a woman
32:48I forget her name
32:49Yeah, personal matters
32:50It'll have to wait till this job is cracked
32:54Ooh, uh
33:10Didn't you check?
33:11Eric packed it
33:12Yeah, one of his lighter loads
33:13Oh, man, it wasn't my delivery
33:14I picked it up from the depot last minute
33:16Eric wasn't too well
33:17He'd had a dodgy donner
33:18Now, remind me to send him a card
33:19What shall I do?
33:20Get back in your cab
33:21Depress your right foot
33:22And don't relax it till you see my lock-up
33:24I want those bicycles back here within the hour
33:26Go!
33:32Mr. Daly
33:32What is happening?
33:34Bjorn, I'm glad I caught you
33:36Everything is in chaos
33:37Mr. Jorgensen will soon be touching down
33:39Nothing is ready
33:40Everything is gelling together very nicely
33:42There's no evidence of it
33:43Bjorn, when you've been in the stress game
33:45As long as I have
33:46You've come to realise
33:47It's the result that matters
33:49Not how you look in the dressing room
33:50Half an hour before kick-off
33:51I mean, I accept
33:52We've had one or two hold-ups
33:53But we're back on course now
33:55There's barely four hours left
33:57That is time aplenty
33:58However, I appreciate
34:00The necessarily frantic nature of the day
34:02Has taken its toll
34:03And I thought you'd appreciate
34:05A little gesture of support
34:07From daily enterprises
34:09I'm not sure
34:10Bjorn, Bjorn, Bjorn, Bjorn
34:11You make yourself ill
34:13Look, look, look
34:13Why don't you
34:14Why don't you
34:15Bung on a bit of Abba
34:17Stick your feet up on the sofa
34:19And have a little sleep
34:21Daily limousines
34:21Have arranged
34:22To pick El Supremo up
34:24From the airport
34:24And spit at him here
34:25In some luxury
34:26As a gesture of goodwill
34:27It is a wasteful man
34:28Who defrosts the snowplow
34:30He will travel by taxi
34:31No, no
34:32Most unreliable, Bjorn
34:33And we do want him here on time
34:35Besides
34:36Taxi versus a limo?
34:38I won't hear another word
34:39Schmorgasbord
34:42Arthur, I need a word
34:43If there's more things
34:44Wrong with that car
34:45Than you realised
34:45Whatever it takes, Ray
34:46No, no
34:47It's long-term stuff
34:48You need to be an expert
34:48It's about half of it
34:49Look, Arthur
34:50No-one's going to blame you
34:51If you're just
34:51Everything, Ray
34:51There is no way forward
34:53Till that number bill
34:54Is A1
34:54Now, do your best
34:55I know it can't be much fun
34:56Over there
34:57But I'm counting on you
35:02Oh, look
35:03Can't I leave you alone
35:04For five minutes
35:05Having a test run, Arthur
35:06We solved the problem, Arthur
35:08But it's going to take a while
35:09To sort them both out
35:10Oh, marvellous
35:11The American end
35:12Is about to nip through
35:13The Green Channel
35:13Short trip up the motorway
35:15And daily enterprises
35:16Can kiss goodbye
35:17To a lucrative few years
35:18In the breakdown business
35:19I know, that reminds me, Arthur
35:20Pete called to say
35:21That Clive had run into
35:22One or two fuel-related problems
35:24On his way back
35:25With the Jacuzzis
35:26That's it
35:28That's it
35:28Dave, I thought
35:29Gentrifying that motor
35:30Was supposed to make things better
35:32Not create more mayhem
35:35I need professional guidance
35:36Your mum
35:36I know
35:39Which
35:48Is
35:59The
35:59Static
35:59that
35:59Is
35:59The
35:59Cellæ–°
35:59It
36:00That
36:06with
36:11Sorry.
37:03Hello?
37:05Hello?
37:06Hello?
37:06Are you there?
37:07Ready when you are.
37:09Sorry?
37:10I'm ready.
37:12Fire away.
37:13Please, try not to be nervous.
37:15I'm sorry, but it's been a while.
37:17Ah, very well.
37:19Now, how long is it since your last confession?
37:22Oh, must be about a year ago.
37:25I admitted to Ray that I'd forgotten to shut the lock up once when we got burgled.
37:29He was beginning to feel guilty.
37:31I couldn't get any work out of him.
37:32I mean, your last confession healed.
37:34Oh, I've never been here before.
37:36Well, your own church then?
37:37No, they don't do it where I go.
37:39Well, at least they didn't in 1946.
37:41Then again, I might have missed it.
37:43You know what it's like when you get married.
37:44No.
37:45The fact is, I am not actually a left footer.
37:49I'm not nothing at all.
37:50My dad was this establishment church of North London, but they packed it in.
37:54Well, could you tell me why you're here?
37:58I've done something wrong, and I want to know what I should do.
38:03Very well.
38:05I sold a car to a nun, and the value of said vehicle was not concomitant with the price she
38:13paid.
38:14She got a bad deal.
38:16Oh, no.
38:18No, no.
38:18The scales were slightly in my favor.
38:21And since we've done the deal, my share of luck has fallen faster than a pound.
38:26Look, I don't quite understand.
38:28I'm doing my best.
38:29My boy's with her now, with the motor.
38:31Customizing it, tweaking little faults it might have.
38:33The car in question is a black Austin Allegro, is it not?
38:40Oh, it's Joe.
38:42He is all seen.
38:45Sister Angelica gave me a lift to mass.
38:47She seemed very pleased with the vehicle.
38:50But I did have my suspicions when she told me how much she'd paid.
38:54I wish I'd never sold it to her.
38:56I've learnt my lesson, I can tell you.
38:58No longer will I leg it across the road when I see that bloke with the sandwich boards and a
39:01close set eyes coming towards me.
39:03I will give him a fair hearing.
39:05Please, look.
39:06You're sorry for what you've done and you're trying to make amends nobody can expect any more.
39:12I'm sure when your assistant is finished, Sister Angelica will have a car of which she can be proud.
39:19Please put your mind at rest.
39:22You mean, I'm forgiven?
39:24Yes.
39:25Oh, Your Honor, I can't tell you what a relief that is.
39:28I'm glad I could help.
39:30Go in peace.
39:31Well, look, I'm a bit pushed for time, but while I'm here, there are a couple of other things.
39:44Fair enough. I know what's required, Arthur. I won't let you down.
40:04For Christ's sake, what is this? The road to Never Never Land?
40:09M25. It's famous for it. It's a big tourist attraction like Buckingham Palace.
40:14What speed are you doing?
40:1729 and a half.
40:18Geez.
40:20I can slow down if you feel sick.
40:23Mr. Daley, I need to check progress.
40:25You'll be the first to know.
40:26I have to make deletions.
40:28Of course you do.
40:28Your men will not let me into any of the therapy areas.
40:31Regulations. Health, safety, security.
40:36They've arrived.
40:37Oh, yeah, yeah. Plus the tables are up and running.
40:40We're almost there.
40:41Wow.
40:42What's the matter?
40:43You did tell the truth.
40:44How dare you?
40:45Only we're still having troubles.
40:46What's wrong with them?
40:50That is hardly going to pummel away a week's worries.
40:54What about the other one?
41:00I think she'll need to do something about the barrel bar for what controls the flow.
41:04Dave, I hope what I'm witnessing here is a divine time lag between repentance and the calling off of hostilities.
41:13Do you want them all going on the same building?
41:15Yeah, why not?
41:19Mr. Daley, you're finished.
41:22One wire or another, yeah.
41:23Sister Virginia says you've been extraordinarily conscientious.
41:27Yeah, well, I'm sure I couldn't have done it without her.
41:31I'm going to take it for a little drive right now.
41:38Do you want to come in for a coffee?
41:43Mr. Daley, I want an explanation.
41:44The bicycles.
41:45I told you, they'll be here on time.
41:47They're not exercise bicycles.
41:49Look, you go and pedal one for half an hour.
41:51Hey, you don't know what the traffic's like on the North Circular, do you?
41:54They're not as I highlighted on the brochure.
41:56You are thinking of the earlier model.
41:58Mr. Daley, I have just now ordered the correct bicycles.
42:00They will cost you an arm and a leg.
42:03The amount will come off your fee, Mr. Daley.
42:05I have had enough of this behavior.
42:07You are driving me mad.
42:12Mr. Daley.
42:14Ah, Dr. Jarvis.
42:15I think you're concentrating on the wrong man.
42:18Might I suggest you turn your attention to the Scandinavian gentleman?
42:21Unless I am very much mistaken, he is teetering on the brink.
42:40You should be wearing a dust mask, really, Dave.
42:43I remember this blood.
42:44Look, Freddie, we've got 15 minutes at the outside.
42:46Would you please try and be constructive?
42:48Health and safety, Arthur.
42:50You can't cut corners there.
42:52My list needs attention.
42:54Sneaking in through French windows is not the behavior of a professional person.
42:57Now, slim your look.
42:58Go on, have it.
42:59I must know how near we are!
43:03Arthur.
43:03Have you fixed it?
43:04Like new.
43:05Sister Angelica thinks it's a different car.
43:07Well, it is practically.
43:07In the nick of time.
43:15I've been stitched up.
43:17I'll blame you, Dave.
43:18Ray has done everything necessary.
43:20And the jacuzzis are still up the spout.
43:22And Jorgensen will be here any minute.
43:23Never, never, ever again will I enter into a commercial transaction with a religious fraternity.
43:33It cleared itself.
43:36Must have been something you said, Arthur.
43:47Thank heaven for that.
43:50That has got to be the crummiest, most two-bit, godforsaken experience in my entire motoring life.
43:56You can't live in this country without getting screwed up.
43:59It's impossible.
43:59Of course.
44:00We should have opened up two of the goddamn centers.
44:05What's that smell?
44:11Ah, Mr. Jorgensen.
44:12Pleasure to welcome you to our sceptered aisle.
44:15Mr. Jorgensen was wondering about the smell.
44:17Oh, I'm delighted he noticed it.
44:19The beds are, in fact, impregnated with Dainley's aromatherapy oil.
44:22We're still waiting for the patent.
44:25Nice idea.
44:31Well, it's good to have you aboard, Dainley.
44:33I was beginning to wonder how a country like this ever got it together to run an empire.
44:36Oh, we do have our moments.
44:38There is a problem with the aqua massage pools, Mr. Jorgensen.
44:42Oh?
44:55What's the problem?
44:56Looks all right to me.
44:57What's a problem?
44:58Wasn't there, Mr. Dainley?
44:59Bjorn, we have a saying in England.
45:02Once the pigeon has flown overhead, the danger has passed.
45:06I hope you're getting some of this.
45:14I couldn't hold out any.
45:16Longer.
45:16No, I understand, but he did a good job.
45:18Off you go.
45:21Nice work, Mr. Dainley.
45:22Oh, thank you.
45:23Um, what happened to the bikes?
45:25They're on their way.
45:26Well, the ones I selected, Bjorn didn't like, so he sent them back.
45:30You did what?
45:31They were road bicycles.
45:33Indeed, they were.
45:34Customized by my boys so you get the outdoor feeling even when you're indoors.
45:38Ah, I like that concept.
45:39Oh, well, a good employee is an innovative one.
45:41But I couldn't agree more.
45:43So where the hell are the replacements?
45:46The delivery company let me down.
45:48They were all right by me, Bjorn.
45:50I'd never have recommended them otherwise.
45:51Well, Mr. Jorgensen, you have my number.
45:54We'll be on our way.
45:55Come on, Ray, let's wait.
45:59That's a bag of nerves.
46:01You should get a grip.
46:02Still, this place takes off.
46:03Rich pickings for us.
46:04And hopefully they'll, er, cough up up front next time.
46:18The Winchester, Ray.
46:20I need serious therapy.
46:22You will when you've seen this.
46:24This for all the work I did on the car.
46:27I said mend it, not buy a new one.
46:29How much we got left out of the fee?
46:32Well, that's Les Chico's commission.
46:35No, no.
46:35You got the, er, decimal point in the wrong place.
46:39I'm sorry, Arthur.
46:44This has cost me a fortune.
46:46But the point is, Arthur, what you did was right.
46:49True, true.
46:50And if I omitted to notice one or two small defects, because my mind was on other things,
46:55they have now been fixed to the satisfaction of all concerned.
46:59And I mean all.
47:01We can now go about our normal business without the constant fear of aggravation.
47:21You don't think that clutch needs adjusting, do you?
47:23You don't think that clutch needs adjusting, do you?
47:23But that's what I expected, all the things to be.
47:23But you have to be like, Mickey.
47:25If you are not we're speaking!
47:25You get家?
47:25Pot, but he is moving?
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