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00:12Transcrição e Legendas Pedro Negri
00:32Hello! I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to the Taskmaster Academy.
00:37At this educational establishment, we teach our pupils problem-solving,
00:41cunning and how to endure ridicule.
00:43At the end of the course, four of them will have destroyed their careers
00:46and will never work in television again.
00:48And one lucky winner will have my golden trophy
00:52and also will have destroyed their career
00:54and will never work in television again.
00:56It's like life, cruel and without meaning.
01:00We have an audience watching this in the cinema down the road,
01:03so let's crack on and meet our five contestants.
01:06They are...
01:08Charlotte Ritchie!
01:10Giovanni Maddox!
01:11Lee Mack!
01:13Mike Kwasniak!
01:14And Sarah Kendall!
01:17And next to me, a man who, like an obedient pup,
01:20responds instantly and affectionately to all my commands
01:23and, like an obedient pup, enjoys lapping away at his own mess,
01:27it's little Alex Horne!
01:30Good times.
01:31All right, you dirty boy.
01:33Riddle me this.
01:35Ooh!
01:35What am I?
01:36I'm small and yet I can fly.
01:39Are you a fly?
01:41Quite a bit more.
01:42My first is in flop, but not in pizza.
01:44Are you a fly?
01:45My second...
01:46The wetter I get, the more I weigh.
01:49I'm a small inset, I'm a fly.
01:51Yeah.
01:52Let's crack on.
01:53Prize task time.
01:54You know it.
01:55And this week, the category is the best drinking vessel.
01:59You know it.
02:00You'll judge the best drinking vessel, Greg,
02:02and that person will start the show with five healthy points.
02:05At the end of the show, the person with the most points
02:07will take home all five drinking vessels
02:08and finally be able to have a few people over for some drinks.
02:11All right, then.
02:14Michael Wozniak.
02:15A Maida cup.
02:17What?
02:17It was my first try at wood whittling.
02:21Wood whittling?
02:22Wood whittling.
02:23Not all of the wounds have healed fully.
02:25The intention was a sort of kind of oriental soup thing.
02:28It ended up somewhere between that and a love spoon.
02:31There's a love spoon.
02:32Oh, wow.
02:33The face, as you can clearly see, is your face.
02:38The blood has been sanded off.
02:40You should have been wearing a little leather thimble.
02:44I've not got children, as you know,
02:46but if I had a seven-year-old and they brought that back,
02:50I'd probably look to give them support.
02:53I'd probably...
02:53And a 40-year-old man?
02:58Are you counting out as a drinking vessel, Craig?
03:00I suppose you can drink it out of anything, can't you?
03:01Oh, so they could have brought in any...
03:02Not a sieve.
03:03Eh?
03:04Not a sieve.
03:05Yeah, you could probably get the meniscus around the edge of the sieve.
03:08Quick, yeah.
03:11Sarah.
03:12Yes.
03:12Can you beat that?
03:13I...
03:14Well, I mean, when you said if I had a seven-year-old
03:17who had brought home something like...
03:19Which is really a good springboard into...
03:21My daughter had done pottery at school and it was a cup.
03:26There it is.
03:27Oh, wow.
03:29So, remember, the category is the best drinking vessel.
03:31I mean, the thing is, it doesn't fulfil any of the functions of a cup,
03:37but I've just gone for razzle-dazzle here.
03:39Listen, after the last episode, you're right to up the showbiz.
03:44You've really brought Broadway to the show.
03:46Thank you.
03:47And Jamali, can you beat either of those?
03:49Yeah, I mean, I just went by the rules of the show.
03:52Can I say something?
03:53Your tone suggests this is going to be rubbish.
03:56No, it's not even rubbish, it's just I just bought a plastic cup.
03:58Yep, you just brought a plastic cup.
04:00Yeah, non-biodegradable, recyclable, just good old-fashioned plastic.
04:07You saw what happened last episode
04:08when Sarah was riding around really slowly, right?
04:11Yeah.
04:11Yeah, OK.
04:12But she won the last episode.
04:14Like, I just decided I want to win now.
04:15I'm sick of trying to be like,
04:17oh, I'm going to bring in a shoe that sings.
04:18I'm not doing that shit no more.
04:20I know what show you're doing, it's like whimsy and...
04:22It's like, oh, look, it's a vessel and all this shit.
04:25I ain't doing it no more, all right?
04:26It's a plastic cup, non-recyclable, that's what you're getting.
04:29OK, so you're going to play this absolutely down the line.
04:31Give me the praise.
04:31It's right down the barrel.
04:32OK.
04:32Now, I'm done.
04:33If you win the series based on this technique,
04:35it's going to be a hollow crown.
04:38Lee.
04:38Um, I went for a money-can't-buy bit of razzmatazz.
04:44It's Simon Cowell's mug.
04:46Here it is.
04:47A mug off his table of Britain's Got Talent.
04:50And it's unfortunate, because we keep giving it to the tree surgeon
04:52who's called Simon, and I think he thinks it's a nice touch,
04:56and we keep going, oh, I forgot to say that it's not for him,
04:57and it's happened about two or three times.
04:59Let Simon have it.
05:00I know.
05:01How often do you need a tree surgeon?
05:04You know, I mean, annually, you get them pollarded annually, yeah?
05:07Not just me, is it?
05:08Pollarded?
05:08Pollarded, yeah.
05:09You're not going to be allowed back up north.
05:12OK, um, Charlotte.
05:13OK, so I've got a tankard, basically.
05:16I do believe that it's the best thing you can drink out of.
05:18Oh.
05:19It's my granddad's.
05:20And underneath, it's glass.
05:22I can show you the glass bottom.
05:23And what's cool about that is that the reason they had glass bottoms
05:27is because, in the 18th century,
05:29the Navy used to drop a king's shilling into people's pints,
05:31so that when they drank it and picked it up,
05:33they'd be like, what's this?
05:34And they'd be conscripted into the Navy.
05:35So they designed glass underneath
05:38so that people could check their pints
05:39to check that they weren't going to be conscripted to the Navy
05:42for, like, years.
05:43It's a good price.
05:44It's a good price.
05:46You'd want it.
05:46You'd want it.
05:47It's a good price.
05:47It's a good price.
05:49It's a good price.
05:51And she added historical information.
05:55Points, then, Greg, please.
05:57Sorry, Jamali.
05:58One point.
05:58It's a plastic cup.
06:00Second worst.
06:01You know, at the end of the day,
06:02I have to give you my reaction as to the mug
06:04that I want leased in my house.
06:06OK.
06:06Yeah.
06:07Well, it's Simon Cowell's mug.
06:08Two points.
06:09Oh, my.
06:10Just because I'm presuming that in three years
06:12there's been a dramatic improvement in her talent,
06:14I'm going to give your daughter three points.
06:16Fantastic.
06:17And unbelievably,
06:18for one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life,
06:21I'm giving you four points.
06:23I think because I feel sorry for you.
06:25And the beautiful grandad tankard takes it comfortably.
06:29Five points.
06:30Five points.
06:31I have judged.
06:33OK, task proper, please, Alex.
06:35Certainly.
06:36Here we go.
06:52Hello, Alex.
06:53Hello, Mike.
06:55Lovely day.
06:56It is, isn't it?
06:59Good day.
07:00Yeah.
07:02Were you just saying good day?
07:04I was trying it out, yeah.
07:05Yeah?
07:05It didn't feel great.
07:08Make that balloon hover,
07:10untethered,
07:11for 20 seconds.
07:12Make that balloon hover,
07:16untethered,
07:17for 20 seconds.
07:19What balloon?
07:22During the hovering,
07:23the top of the balloon
07:24must not be higher than your chin,
07:27and the bottom of the balloon
07:28must not be lower than your waist.
07:31Also, you must sneer throughout the 20 seconds.
07:34Fastest winds,
07:35your time starts now.
07:37All right.
07:38First question is,
07:39where's this balloon?
07:40I reckon you can almost hear it.
07:43I can almost hear the balloon?
07:45I think if you listen carefully.
07:46I think it's going to be.
07:53Right.
07:56How do I get it down?
08:01Right.
08:03Make that balloon.
08:05Oh, is that...
08:09Is that been there the whole time,
08:10or did someone just do that?
08:11That's been a foot away
08:12from your head throughout.
08:13That's incredible.
08:14It'll nearly hit you twice.
08:18I can't.
08:21Right.
08:22Do I untie it?
08:24It's up to you.
08:25There are scissors inside.
08:27Yeah, that's a good idea.
08:32Right.
08:33I want to establish two things.
08:35One,
08:35Charlotte Ritchie can't get a balloon
08:37off a clothesline.
08:37No, she can't.
08:38Two,
08:38Lee Mack hasn't got peripheral vision.
08:40He has not.
08:41Right, let's crack on.
08:42OK, so they had to
08:43make the balloon hover,
08:44and had to sneer throughout.
08:46The most famous sneerer of all time
08:48is, of course, Cyril Sneer,
08:49who is a pink aardvark.
08:50We're going to see
08:51Charlotte, Ritchie,
08:52Lee and Mack,
08:53first of all.
08:54Good luck.
08:57Right, so...
08:57OK.
08:59It's helium.
08:59It's helium.
09:02OK.
09:05Oh, it's helium.
09:07What I need to do
09:08is find a weight
09:09that is perfect.
09:11Not too heavy,
09:11not too light.
09:23That's too heavy.
09:28I'm not sure
09:28this is doing anything.
09:31Is that untethered?
09:33Yeah.
09:34Oh.
09:35Jesus.
09:36I'll try this sponge.
09:38That sponge
09:38might be just about the right.
09:41Not bad.
09:42It's close, that, isn't it?
09:45Is that untethered?
09:47Is it hovering?
09:48Yeah.
09:49Is it?
09:50Yeah.
09:51Is it?
09:51OK.
09:53Right.
09:54Oh.
09:55I don't know
09:56how to do this.
09:58I can see that.
10:00Oh, you bugger!
10:06Oh, you bastard!
10:18Oh, God.
10:19There must be another one.
10:21Don't tell me that's it.
10:23That's it, Lee.
10:23Oh, come on!
10:25Is it definitely gone?
10:26Yeah, that's gone.
10:27Do you mean, is it gone?
10:28Yes.
10:29Oh, you mean that balloon
10:30full of helium
10:30that flew to the sky?
10:31Yeah, nothing's getting that bad.
10:35I think that's gone.
10:36OK.
10:37OK.
10:37Thank you, Charlotte.
10:39Gutted.
10:40Absolutely gutted.
10:45APPLAUSE
10:47Oh, bewildered old man.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:51His logic was great, though.
10:52The weight logic worked a treat, wasn't it?
10:54That just blew my mind when I saw that.
10:56I genuinely thought, well, there's no way that's possible.
10:58That must have been the whole point of it,
11:00was for it to fly up in the air.
11:01You thought the point of the task was to fail?
11:03Well, that it just wasn't possible, yeah.
11:05Oh.
11:05Of course it's possible.
11:07Lee showed an example of how it's possible.
11:08Yeah, I was a bit intrigued, you decided I'm the old
11:11static electricity trainer from school.
11:14Yeah.
11:14And then you realised it was helium.
11:16Yeah.
11:16And then you knew you had to come up with a new system.
11:19Yeah.
11:19And you went straight back to the old static system.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:23Now it's over to Jamali and Sarah
11:25to try and make their balloons hover untethered
11:27for 20 seconds while sneering.
11:31See?
11:31It's above my...
11:33Is it tethered?
11:34No.
11:35What's holding it down?
11:37Me.
11:40That's not going to work.
11:42Just letting go of it.
11:51If I go into, like, an airless area...
11:56Oh, I touched it.
11:57I touched it.
12:00You all right in there?
12:02Yeah.
12:02Hello.
12:03How do you create static on the balloon?
12:05Is it rubbing it?
12:06Static.
12:07Yeah, I tend to rub it.
12:08You need the right material.
12:10What material is it?
12:11Like a woolly jumper.
12:12You got a woolly jumper?
12:13I can get you a woolly jumper.
12:14Can you get me a woolly jumper, please?
12:15Who's timing this?
12:16Who do you want to time it?
12:18You.
12:20Ah!
12:21No, no, I'm going to start again.
12:22That was three seconds.
12:23That was three?
12:24Yeah.
12:25Got your woolly jumper.
12:26Thank you.
12:27Now, does this count?
12:28Because it's not tethered.
12:29It's lodged.
12:30Is it hovering?
12:32Yeah.
12:33If we're being technical, that's hovering.
12:35That's hovering, is it?
12:37Technically.
12:39Is it going to be...
12:40No.
12:43It's...
12:48It's still warm.
12:49Did you take off someone's back?
12:50Yes.
12:51Okay.
12:52It's still, like, warm.
12:53Yeah, they were warm.
12:55Well, why don't we go inside?
12:59This is better.
13:00It's already better.
13:02I just had a thought.
13:03Uh-huh.
13:04What about static electricity?
13:06Is that hovering?
13:07It's going to be up to you to argue it in the studio.
13:10I can't...
13:10Oh, I won't be able to take on Greg.
13:12He's awful.
13:18Oh, so I should start now.
13:20Okay, uh...
13:23Yeah.
13:24Are you sneering at the camera?
13:28You keep sneering.
13:36There you go, 20.
13:37You reckon that was hovering?
13:38That was hovering.
13:39Yeah?
13:39Do you not think that was hovering?
13:40It's not important what I think.
13:42So, what's your job?
13:44What was your job, then?
13:45I don't...
13:45I'm the trust master's assistant.
13:47Yeah, but as you're assistant,
13:48you would know what the thing would...
13:49Yeah, I'm not allowed to have an opinion.
13:52All right.
13:53I measure things.
13:54It's not a bad gig.
13:56Is that 20 seconds?
13:59Alex, are you going to call it?
14:00Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to call it.
14:01That's 45 seconds.
14:07It seems to me as we go on.
14:09When you get set unusual tasks to do,
14:11you're sort of baffled.
14:14You were quite confused by what I was doing there.
14:16You sort of ask him a simple question.
14:17He goes, well, I don't know.
14:19It's your job, mate.
14:20Yeah.
14:20What's your job, then?
14:21I'm to help him, not to help you.
14:23You got a little bit more aggressive now,
14:24you sitting next to Greg, innit?
14:25I feel more comfortable.
14:26Okay, cool.
14:27Um, so your tactic was to go into an airless,
14:30I quote, airless environment.
14:32It's a famous airlock that is the shed.
14:35Honestly, this, this movement,
14:38it made your daughter's pottery look competent.
14:41Well, now it's explained.
14:43I have to say, I think you're being harsh,
14:45because that seemed to work for a second.
14:47The helium against the waft,
14:48you just have to have a lot of waft.
14:49Well, I tried that with the leaf blower,
14:52but I couldn't go at the same pace as a leaf blower.
14:54Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:54It's too much waft.
14:56Sarah did it in 21 minutes and 18 seconds.
14:58Yeah.
14:59That sounds like me.
14:59Whereas Jamali did it in 4 minutes and 50 seconds.
15:02Nice.
15:03And technically, as he kept saying,
15:05it hovered.
15:06Well done.
15:07Right, what's next?
15:08Finally, he's lithe, he's blithe,
15:09and he looks good in ties.
15:11It's Mike Wozniak.
15:12Will you excuse me a minute?
15:23All right.
15:25So I'm just trying to make it sort of a little weight.
15:29It's not tethered.
15:30OK, let's go.
15:32Sneering.
15:42I don't think that was 20 seconds.
15:46One of your little laundry pegs is on that.
15:48I'm still sneering.
15:53I think, arguably, that's a lost cause.
15:56All right, then.
15:57Oh.
15:58Oh.
16:10Ah, there you are.
16:15Put your balloon back.
16:19One, sneery, sneery.
16:20Two, sneery, sneery.
16:22Four, sneery, sneery.
16:24Five, sneery.
16:24One, sneery, sneery.
16:25No, sneery, sneery.
16:26One, sneery, sneery.
16:3120, sneery, sneery.
16:36Well, thank you.
16:37I'm very happy I got your balloon back, Alex.
16:40When you lose that, in case you knew it.
16:44Thanks.
16:45Thank you, Mike.
16:48In the Evening Victory,
16:50when you stepped out of that phone booth,
16:52you looked like the head of department from a local councillor.
16:54I've just been fired.
16:57Talk us through the initial, sort of, Greek dance.
16:59Greek dance?
17:03It's hovering over a certain area,
17:04so I'm trying to, sort of, keep my described area
17:08in the right, sort of, zone.
17:09And I...
17:10It wasn't an intent...
17:11This just...
17:12It's just not really a plan.
17:13It's just...
17:14I enjoyed your balloon dance.
17:15Thank you.
17:16And then up it went.
17:17And then up it went.
17:18And this is where it gets interesting,
17:20because the two other contestants whose balloon flew away,
17:23just let them go.
17:24But not Mike Wasner.
17:25Never let it go.
17:26That spirit of the blitz mentality.
17:28That's right.
17:29No-one has ever hopped over that fence before.
17:31We've never had a fence hop.
17:32How do you feel about that?
17:33I felt good.
17:33And I was thrilled when I got over the other side
17:35that it was just earth on the other...
17:36It was really, sort of, about halfway through the job
17:38that I didn't really know it was on the bottom.
17:39It could have been a mine shaft.
17:41It could have been it.
17:42It could have been it.
17:43That would be one hell of an ending to a dance.
17:49Incredible.
17:49So he's got to have rocked it.
17:51Well, he wasn't as quick as Jamali,
17:52because he did spend quite a long time
17:54chasing this balloon across the golf course.
17:55Oh, yeah, he jumped over the fence.
17:56Yeah.
17:57So, Jamali took 4 minutes 50.
17:58Mike, 8 minutes.
18:00So, just to recap,
18:01it's zero points to Lee and Charlotte.
18:02Sarah gets three.
18:04Then we've got Mike gets four points,
18:05but the winner with five points is Jamali!
18:07Hey!
18:10Can you have a look at a scoreboard?
18:11I have you at a scoreboard.
18:12Lee is in last place with two.
18:14Mike is in first place with eight points!
18:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:19Another one, then.
18:20Come on, chop, chop!
18:21OK, well, guess what?
18:22It's team task time,
18:24and what better way to begin the bonding
18:25than with a lovely spat?
18:41Hello, Jamali.
18:41How are you doing?
18:42I'm good.
18:44Hello, Alex.
18:45Hi, Mike.
18:46Are you OK with heights?
18:48This sort of height?
18:49Yes.
18:50Yeah, this sort of height's OK, yeah.
18:51Do you have any phobias?
18:53Rats.
18:54And foam.
18:56Foam?
18:56Yeah, like dry foam.
18:57You know, like, when you're washing dishes?
18:59You know the sponge?
19:01No, sponge.
19:01Not foam, like sponge.
19:02So I cross out for foam?
19:03Yeah, so cross out foam, like sponge,
19:05like dry sponge.
19:06And you're fine with flannels?
19:08Good with flannels.
19:10Um, can I get the task?
19:11No, you can't.
19:12You're not allowed off the box.
19:13Can you pass it to me, then?
19:14Not yet.
19:14OK.
19:15Hey!
19:16Hey, what's up?
19:16Long time.
19:17How are you?
19:18I'm good.
19:18How you been?
19:20Oh.
19:22Hello.
19:23Oh, hello.
19:24Lee, please open the task.
19:26There's the task.
19:27You're not allowed off your box.
19:29Do you have a belt?
19:30No, you don't have a belt.
19:31I have my coat and then shoes and laces.
19:37That's going to give us a bit of distance.
19:38Oh, damn.
19:39Yeah, I've tied it in this type of knot
19:41so you can tie something easier to it.
19:43Nice.
19:44And you don't think there's an easier way?
19:50Hiya.
19:51Hey, what's up?
19:51Oh, hi.
19:52Oh.
19:53Hi.
19:54That's me, I'm Jamali.
19:54I'm Charlotte.
19:55I'm Sarah.
19:56My shit don't have no laces no more.
20:00Have an argument.
20:02You must take it in turns to angrily make a point
20:05using no more than ten words
20:07and you must always end your point
20:09with a different four-letter word.
20:11You must look at each other throughout the argument
20:13and the person speaking must angrily wag their finger
20:16during their speech.
20:17The argument is over
20:19when there is ten seconds of silence
20:21or when one of you looks away.
20:23Longest argument wins.
20:25Your argument must begin three minutes from now.
20:28Is there anything particularly you'd like to argue about
20:30because you look so amenable and nice?
20:32Well, I don't know.
20:33Well, that's the sort of image I'm trying to project.
20:35You know, I mean, underneath it all,
20:36I might be a nasty piece of work.
20:38Yes.
20:39The last word has got to be four letters.
20:41Yeah.
20:42Think of a few of those.
20:44Hand.
20:44Ha-a-na-da.
20:46Yeah.
20:46Okay.
20:47My head is filled with the word duck
20:49and there's no other word.
20:50I keep refreshing it
20:51and just the word duck keeps coming up.
20:53Yeah.
20:55Who refreshes their mind?
20:58Strange language are you.
21:00It's literally just duck, duck, duck
21:01and I was just trying to tell myself just, you know.
21:04But internally you were going, refresh, duck.
21:07And then off again,
21:08and then off again, see what happens.
21:09Same thing came coming up.
21:10Weird.
21:11Absolutely weird.
21:12I enjoyed people making up new tasks with the laces
21:16and I enjoyed his off-camera smuggery again.
21:19They don't know that Sharks...
21:21There's another person.
21:23And then when he goes, like,
21:23are you sure there's not a better way?
21:26I've got feelings.
21:28I've got feelings.
21:29Let's have a look.
21:30So it's the usual arguing rules.
21:32No more than ten words per argument
21:34and the last word has to be four letters long.
21:37First up we're going to see the film and theatre director,
21:39Mike Lee.
21:41Thank you.
21:44I have to tell you,
21:46bad tash.
21:47This is precious hair.
21:49It might be.
21:51But not good.
21:55Don't you dare insult my look.
21:57I will insult yous.
22:01You're going to get your comeuppance, you fool.
22:03Fool?
22:04Me?
22:05I'll give you, you twat.
22:09You're jealous.
22:12You...
22:17Plum?
22:18Don't call me that, Mike.
22:23You've got a face like a duck.
22:26What are you on about?
22:32Pray.
22:34Tell.
22:35Right above your teeth, it's too bare.
22:38Below my belt is also.
22:42Below your belt should look like a bear.
22:46It's what I mean.
22:49You're talking tosh.
22:50I'll show you my cock.
22:52I would love to see you wang.
22:54It is meant to be an argument.
22:56Right.
22:57Well, here goes.
23:01You're changing the subject.
23:03Can I put it away?
23:04It's heavy and huge.
23:06I'm sorry.
23:08I'm going to have to blow the whistle there.
23:09It was a lovely argument.
23:11But he said subject and I lunged in.
23:13I was silly shallying.
23:17Can I say that that is better than some plays that I've seen?
23:21The National Theatre.
23:22It was absolute poetry.
23:24And I'm intrigued the thing that brought it to the end
23:27was Lee offering to show you his genitals.
23:29And you, visibly wanting that.
23:33The argument ceased and we found common ground and then, yeah.
23:36You offered to expose your penis, didn't I?
23:38And then you announced that it was, and I quote,
23:41huge and heavy.
23:42Did I not say heavy and huge, even, in any four-letter word?
23:45Can I put it away? It's heavy and huge.
23:46It's heavy and huge.
23:47Thank you.
23:48I mean, it might be crass, but I know the rules.
23:51It's time for the team of three now.
23:53Jamali, Charlotte and Sarah.
23:56The thing is, right, Jamali,
24:00is that you drive well.
24:06I disagree.
24:08I hate it.
24:10Fuck.
24:11You have no idea how Jamali behaves.
24:18What luck.
24:20Thank you for pointing that out,
24:24but I'm angry.
24:25Nice ring.
24:27Don't.
24:30Oh!
24:32That's just not a...
24:41Thing.
24:43I can't even.
24:47When are you...
24:50Angry, please.
24:52Going to stop?
24:56Never.
25:00Will I stop that?
25:03Can't.
25:07How are you spelling that?
25:09H-A-H-A.
25:11Just wait.
25:14Till what?
25:15Am I going to wait for town?
25:24Give it a rest.
25:26You aren't making any sense, and that's that.
25:30Go to bank.
25:32You're going to end on that word?
25:35You better watch out.
25:38Because careful.
25:41Where there's a will, there's a will.
25:46I think that's more than ten words, if you count them up.
25:49Why did you say town suddenly?
25:52Because town's like a slang word we use for...
25:55Oh, is that a bad word?
25:55You know.
25:56Are we allowed to broadcast town?
25:57I mean, you know.
25:58It depends.
25:58Because it's Channel 4, man, so they're, you know, risky.
26:01APPLAUSE
26:04It just seemed to me to be three people who perhaps have
26:07discovered language.
26:10All it said was wag your finger, argue, and end on four words.
26:14It didn't say nothing like, oh, it has to be on topic,
26:16and you have to pick a subject.
26:17No, I just think it's common sense.
26:20We could have done a big list of rules, like,
26:22don't just say the word town for no reason.
26:25No, language is just that thing that someone just made up.
26:28Do you know that?
26:28I did look it up on Urban Dictionary afterwards,
26:30and it seems that no-one there has heard of it, aren't they?
26:32I mean, Urban Dictionary is, you know, doesn't know culture, innit?
26:36People lose it when they have an argument as well.
26:38You don't make sense.
26:39Well, your first argument was you drive quite well.
26:41Exactly.
26:42LAUGHTER
26:43Yeah, and drive me round the bend.
26:45You need to go to the bank, mate.
26:47That's what you need to do. You've got to go to the bank.
26:48You need to go to the bank and sort yourself out.
26:50LAUGHTER
26:50Do you want me to tell you some times?
26:52I'm ready.
26:53The team of three lasted three minutes and eight seconds,
26:54whereas these guys argued for five minutes and thirty-five seconds,
26:57with no blunders at all.
26:59I want these two absolute arguing legends to get five full points each.
27:05Whoa. What about the town team?
27:07I'm going to give them two points.
27:08Two points each. OK, but Mike and Lee are the winners of the tour!
27:11There you go!
27:12APPLAUSE
27:12What's long next?
27:14Just a regular task down at the Old Haunt.
27:26MUSIC PLAYS
27:34How's your morning?
27:35How you doing?
27:37OK.
27:37May I?
27:38Yes, please.
27:39I'll open this then.
27:40OK.
27:47Make the house haunted.
27:49Most haunted house wins.
27:51You have an hour.
27:53Your time starts now.
27:58Excuse me?
27:59Let's go and go and have a little rummage.
28:02A rummage?
28:03A rummage.
28:04OK.
28:05Any initial thoughts?
28:08Rummaging.
28:09Rummaging.
28:10Thank you.
28:12I need a white sheet and a dead person.
28:18I mean, what's haunted?
28:19You've got sort of a ghost or poltergeist activity,
28:23sort of objects moving.
28:25Poltergeists, I'm thinking.
28:26I'm thinking lights on and off.
28:29I guess general sort of spooky stuff happening.
28:31I need a lot of big string.
28:36Rope?
28:37String.
28:38But big string.
28:39Big, long string.
28:40A lot of big string.
28:42You see the amount of string that you were going to get?
28:44Mm-hm.
28:44More string.
28:45Times it by two?
28:46Three.
28:47Wow.
28:48That's a lot of string.
28:49Tell me when you got the string.
28:51I'll give you a nod.
28:51A lot of string.
28:52OK, bye-bye.
28:53All right, mate.
28:59So there were lots of classic spooky phrases in there.
29:03White sheet was requested for the classic ghost by Lee.
29:06Corpse.
29:07And then, of course, out on the biggest, the spookiest request
29:11of them all, some big scary string.
29:16So big.
29:17Yeah, yeah.
29:18My thing was to buy out all the string,
29:20because there's nothing more scary than when you need string
29:22and there ain't none.
29:23Oh, I'm Greg Davis, I need some string.
29:25There ain't none.
29:26Oh, yeah.
29:27All your thoughts start with, I'm Greg Davis,
29:29and then you have the thought ways.
29:30Always.
29:31Good.
29:32OK, she's in a programme called Ghosts,
29:34but can she make ghosts?
29:35Let's see.
29:35It's Charlotte Ritchie first.
29:44No, no, no.
29:48No, no.
29:53So many guys didn't get any Ny-Live for the ride.
29:54Go on down, Toby.
29:57And then up, I mean, the old lady
29:57was dead.
29:57P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P.
30:06.
30:06.
30:06.
30:06.
30:10.
30:10.
30:12.
30:12.
30:13.
30:13.
30:13.
30:14.
30:14.
30:17I was quite freaked out, because I thought that was you in the chair.
30:20I did as well. Did you? Yeah.
30:21Oh, good. That's good, then.
30:23So, I think if you ever go ahead and make your own horror film,
30:25you shouldn't feature, after the horrific reveal at the end of your film,
30:29you shouldn't pop on and go, hello.
30:32It sort of dampens it down a bit, doesn't it? Yeah.
30:35The worst thing was, when I realised that that book hadn't flown out by itself,
30:39that she'd, you stream.
30:41.
30:42It's scarier than that. She tried to get a string.
30:45Can I get it?
30:45There wasn't any string left.
30:46What?! Why?!
30:48The victory for Tom Gregg-Davis!
30:50.
30:51Who's next?
30:52Well, do you want to see the big string guy?
30:54Do I?
30:54Here he comes. It's the one and only Jamali Maddox.
30:58.
30:59.
30:59.
31:00.
31:00.
31:05Tchau, tchau.
31:41Tchau, tchau.
32:00Tchau, tchau.
32:02The images were so terrifying, I forgot about the string.
32:05I was creeped out already with things flying off the wall,
32:08but when those two cabbages flew off that desk...
32:12That is classic horror.
32:14Let's see another horror film, please.
32:16OK, would you like to see Sarah Kendall making the house look haunted?
32:19More than anything. Here we go.
32:23PHONE RINGS
32:23PHONE RINGS
32:25PHONE RINGS
32:27PHONE RINGS
32:29PHONE RINGS
32:33PHONE RINGS
32:35PHONE RINGS
32:40PHONE RINGS
32:42PHONE RINGS
32:43PHONE RINGS
32:50PHONE RINGS
32:51PHONE RINGS
32:52PHONE RINGS
33:03O que é isso?
33:33The kindest review.
33:36You're making big statements for no reason dahim.
33:39He's wanged up about the lack of string in the country.
33:43Next it's the ethereal Mike Wozniak.
33:50Palace of Warwickam
33:54Little Alex Horn
33:59Come in.
34:02There's nothing to worry about, little Alex Horne
34:08I've got some puppies covered in treacle
34:14Good
34:34Temptation to bring the victims in puppies covered in treacle no
34:37I was trying to take two things and make them greater than the sum of their parts
34:41If you put two nice things together, it doesn't necessarily
34:43I don't think there is two things though, people famously say come and see some puppies
34:48and they say come and see some treacle
34:50Mike was determined by the way that I would be cut in two like he was cut in two
34:54and he called it being hemisected
34:55Hemisect, it's a word, it's a real word
34:58Just before we move on, can we just drill down into the narrative of your story
35:01The whole house is haunted, along comes an innocent lovely taskmaster's assistant
35:05This guy
35:05It's got a bloodlust, all he wants to do is gobble you up, hemisect you
35:09and spit you out again
35:10Why didn't little Alex Horne's character, the lovely assistant
35:14Why didn't it spot the already hemisected body outside?
35:18He may well have done, but that was overridden by the lure of the treacle covered puppies
35:24Who's next?
35:26Finally, it's final Lee
35:32Hello Lee
35:33Are you easily frightened?
35:35I don't think so
35:36Good
35:36What I'm a...
35:38Just checking, you see
35:39You say you're not, but you did flinch a bit there
35:41Do you know the history of the caravan?
35:43I've always wondered about the history of the caravan
35:45Many years ago there was a lady by the name of Amy
35:48Typical 21-year-old, she liked music, parties
35:52But most of all, she only wanted her own caravan
35:56She got her caravan
35:58This is said caravan
36:00Four days later
36:02She wasn't alive
36:03She was...
36:05Not alive
36:07I'm going to find out now
36:08With the aid of my Ouija board, exactly what happened that night
36:12Amy!
36:13Are you there, Amy?
36:15Amy, are you there?
36:16Give us a sign if you are there
36:24She's talking to me
36:25Have you got any questions you'd like to ask Amy?
36:28Are you in heaven, Amy?
36:30Lovely
36:30Oh, no, Alex
36:32Yes
36:32Can I be honest?
36:33OK
36:33That was me
36:34I thought it was you
36:35I was pulling that
36:36I did see your hand
36:37I was pulling that
36:37I've let you down
36:38And I wish I hadn't
36:40And I apologise about this
36:42I'm no more of a psychic than you
36:44So, would you accept my apology?
36:48There's a lot of smoke
36:49Is that Amy?
36:50Are you Amy?
36:50Who are you talking to?
36:51You can't see
36:52No, it was just me
36:53That was me
36:54I was doing that
36:54I don't like this
36:56It's a nice cupboard
36:57I'm going to go now, Lee
36:58Where are you going?
36:59To be honest
36:59There's too much smoke to breathe
37:01But also, there's a dead lady there
37:03I can't see her
37:03All right
37:04Bye-bye, Lee
37:05It's not real
37:05What are you doing?
37:06It's not me
37:06I've set it up
37:09I think we got away with it
37:11LAUGHTER
37:13APPLAUSE
37:13See, that's what you did
37:14You did look freaked out
37:17Well, I wouldn't have warned about it
37:19Yeah, well, it would be a bit odd
37:21To warn you about it, wouldn't it?
37:22But I think in horror films
37:23They do warn the actors
37:24What's going to happen
37:24Are you considering yourself
37:25An actor in that, are you?
37:27LAUGHTER
37:28I very much enjoyed your film
37:29Shall I hand out some points?
37:31Spooky points?
37:32I thought they were all really good
37:33So no-one is going to get
37:35One spooky point
37:36OK
37:36No-one's going to get
37:37Two spooky points
37:38Is anyone going to get any points?
37:40Three spooky points
37:41Let's go to
37:43Jamali and Charlotte's films
37:45In second place
37:46There are four points
37:47I'm going to give it to
37:49The Treacle Puppy King
37:50And I'm going to give it
37:52To
37:53The Jocular
37:54Awful Twist film
37:55Four points to Lee Mack and Mike Wozniak
37:57Right
37:57But by far the most atmospheric
37:59And spooky
38:00Five points
38:01Sarah
38:01Well done, Sarah Kendall
38:02Thank you
38:03It seems it was
38:04Quick look at the scores, please, Alex
38:06Charlotte is on the bottom with ten
38:08Mike is on the top with 17 again
38:12Runaway was there
38:13And he's to the treacle
38:16OK, everyone, please head to the stage
38:18For the final task of the show
38:22Hello
38:23Hello, Greg
38:24Hello, Greg
38:24Hello
38:25Who's going to read it out, Alex?
38:27I'd like Jamali Maddox to read out the task, please, Greg
38:32Correctly guess you're standing in the group
38:34The taskmaster will read out a category
38:38Then you must hold the number that reflects your standing in the group
38:42Most correct answer wins
38:44The way it's going to work is that Greg will read out a category
38:46For example, oldest contestant
38:49If that was the category, obviously Lee would put up one
38:51And then the rest of you would guess your age is in the group as well
38:54Obviously, yeah
38:55Once you've heard the category, you must hold up your number within 20 seconds
38:59And once it's up, you can't change your mind
39:00You're going to have five categories
39:02Most correct answers wins
39:03Are you ready to hear the first category?
39:05Yes, please
39:06Category one
39:08Most northerly birthplace
39:11If you think you're the most northerly, hold up number one
39:13If you think you're the most southerly, hold up number five
39:15Which way is Australia?
39:18It is South
39:18It's not called down over, is it?
39:20It's really South
39:21OK
39:23OK
39:24Lee thinks he's the most northerly
39:25Sarah thinks she's the most southerly
39:27They're both correct
39:28One point each
39:29It goes Lee
39:31Southport
39:32Then Mike
39:32Oxford
39:33Should be holding a number two
39:34Then Jamali
39:35East London
39:35Should be holding a number three
39:36Then Charlotte
39:37Clapham South
39:38Should be holding a number four
39:39Then Sarah, who is holding a number five
39:40Newcastle
39:41Down under
39:42Second category, Greg
39:44Most pints of milk drunk per month
39:47We asked all of you before the show
39:49To state how many pints of milk per month you drink
39:51If you think you drink the most, hold up number one
39:54I don't know this about you, Mike
39:55But I've got instinct tells me you guzzle the stuff
39:58I'm an absolute bloody milk guzzler
40:01They're all up
40:02Charlotte and Jamali both think they drink the middle amount of milk
40:05Mike Wozniak guzzles a lot of milk
40:07He guzzles 37 pints of milk per month
40:10What?
40:11Are you serious?
40:12You have a pint a day
40:13I have more than a pint a day, I'm sure of it, yeah
40:15What are you, a calf?
40:16Is it fed to you in a big bottle?
40:18Yeah, it's on cereal
40:19A lot of tea and coffee
40:20And it's also drunk meat
40:22Meat, milk
40:24So Mike is correct
40:25Lee is also correct
40:26He's a vegan
40:27He has zero pints per month
40:28So it goes
40:30Mike the most with 37
40:31Sarah second with eight pints per month
40:34Then it goes Jamali third with five
40:36He gets the point here
40:37Charlotte fourth with three
40:39Lee fifth with zero
40:40The crudest category thus far coming up
40:43Fewest phone contacts
40:46Fewest friends, number one
40:47Yeah, I'm the oldest
40:48But have you not found that over the last ten years you've started to thin the herd?
40:53Are you suggesting I'm so old they've started to die off?
40:56No
40:57Okay, all the numbers are up
40:5944322
40:59No one thinks you're the fewest or the most
41:01The person with the fewest friends
41:03Is Jamali with 150
41:05Sarah, you're correct
41:07You are the second least popular with 315 contacts
41:09Feels about right
41:11Charlotte is third with 1,065
41:14Mike fourth, no points with 1,144
41:17Lee has the most contacts with 3,065 in his phone
41:20Don't have thousands
41:22Yeah, I can see that
41:22The problem is my phone sort of
41:25Look, I'm trying to...
41:26I'm very popular
41:28I'll be honest with you
41:29If someone asks for a selfie
41:30I ask for their number
41:33I'm shameless
41:34All right, category, please
41:35Category four
41:36An interesting revelation of personal hygiene
41:40Most frequent washing of towels per month
41:44So the cleanest person holding up number one
41:45There you go, Charlotte, straight away
41:46Ooh, we almost had one, two, three, four, five
41:48Yeah
41:49It's difficult about this
41:50Is the fact that I don't know what's a lot
41:52Because I have a bunch of towels
41:54Yeah
41:54I need to get flash, mate
41:56We've all got a lot of towels
41:59I've got a towel for each of my phone contacts
42:02Charlotte thinks she cleans her towels the most
42:0512 times per month
42:06Almost every third day she's cleaning her towels
42:08Yeah
42:08Next cleans is actually Jamali
42:09You miss it again, unfortunately, Jamali
42:11Then Lee, six times per month
42:13And then we're really getting desperate
42:15Sarah only washes her twice a month
42:16Mike, you do get a point
42:18Because you only wash them once a month
42:20Absolute scum
42:21Absolute scumbag
42:23Final category, Greg
42:25Most eggs in one hand
42:27Yes, we asked them how many eggs they think they can hold in one hand
42:29I can also confirm we tested this
42:32Straight up there, Jamali
42:34I think I've got the biggest hands
42:37Whoa, two guys think they can hold a lot of eggs
42:40Bit of big balls time, isn't it?
42:41Yes, it is
42:42No one thinks they can clutch the fewest eggs
42:44Who do you think holds fewer eggs than you?
42:47You don't have to answer that
42:48As your attorney, you don't have to answer that
42:50I'm not going to answer that
42:51I'd like to find out
42:51It's part of the game
42:52Do you think someone's got smaller hands?
42:54I don't know if it's about size
42:56No, it's absolutely about size
42:57Cool
42:59Technique
42:59Technique as well
43:00Well, Charlotte has a tiniest hand
43:01She can only hold seven eggs
43:03So she should have held up the number five
43:04She should
43:05Sarah can only hold eight eggs
43:07She should be holding up the number four
43:08In third place
43:10It's Mike
43:11With 11 eggs
43:12So which of the men
43:13Can hold the most eggs?
43:15I don't know why
43:16I think Lee Mack can hold the most eggs
43:18Well, I'll tell you that Jamali can hold 12 eggs in his hands
43:21Lee Mack can hold 17 eggs in one hand
43:24I just knew it
43:25And hence Lee is correctly holding it
43:27I'm known as the egg holder
43:28And with that, Greg, the task is over
43:30Come back down
43:31And we'll add those points
43:32And we'll decide who's won
43:36Hello again, Greg
43:37Very good
43:38Hello there
43:38That must have had quite some impact on the scores
43:41So not only can he hold 17 eggs
43:43He can also guess where he fits in the standings
43:45Because he got four questions right, Lee
43:47Wow
43:48So Lee does get the five points
43:49After that
43:50Mike and Sarah came in second
43:51They got two things right each
43:52And joint fourth
43:54Charlotte and Jamali got one each
43:55So the points go
43:56Two each
43:57To Charlotte and Jamali
43:58Four to Mike and Sarah
43:59But Lee Mack gets five points
44:01There it is
44:02He knows himself
44:03And so
44:04The final scoreboard
44:05Sarah came in second place for 17
44:07But Mike won the episode
44:09Is also winning the series
44:10He won it with 21 points
44:12Yeah
44:13Yeah
44:15Mike Wozniak wins
44:16Go and gather your victorious vessels
44:18Thank you
44:19Thank you
44:22So what have we learnt today?
44:24We've known for some time
44:25That climate change is the gravest threat
44:27That humanity has ever faced
44:28And we also know that cows
44:30Are some of the greatest contributors
44:32To the global crisis
44:33And 50% of those cows
44:35Are feeding Mike Wozniak's milk habit
44:38So what we've learned today
44:39Is that Mike Wozniak
44:40Is destroying the planet
44:42We've also learned
44:43That he's won tonight's show
44:45And now has more vessels
44:46To fill with milky goodness
44:48Mike Wozniak
44:50We've been doing it with milky goodness
44:56We've been doing it with milky goodness
44:57We've been doing it with milky goodness
44:58We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:00We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:01We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:03We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:04We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:08We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:09We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:10We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:10We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:11We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:12We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:13We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:13We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:16We've been doing it with milky goodness
45:19Legenda Adriana Zanotto