- 19 hours ago
First broadcast 25th October 1976.
George borrows Jeffrey's ladder to fix the television aerial but when Jeffrey takes it away George falls off the roof and ends up in hospital in the next bed to the knowledgeable Mr. Jolly who tells him he should sue his neighbour.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram (as Nicholas Owen)
Sebastian Breaks - Peter
Kenneth Watson - Mr. Jolly (as Ken Watson)
Gail Lidstone - Nurse
Mike Lewin - Ambulance Man
Ralph Ball - Bunny
Maxine Horne - Joanne
George borrows Jeffrey's ladder to fix the television aerial but when Jeffrey takes it away George falls off the roof and ends up in hospital in the next bed to the knowledgeable Mr. Jolly who tells him he should sue his neighbour.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram (as Nicholas Owen)
Sebastian Breaks - Peter
Kenneth Watson - Mr. Jolly (as Ken Watson)
Gail Lidstone - Nurse
Mike Lewin - Ambulance Man
Ralph Ball - Bunny
Maxine Horne - Joanne
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:30Oh, damn, baby, baby.
00:57Seven years old, Mildred.
00:58It seems like only yesterday it was a five-minute contraction.
01:02Oh, well, the years seem to fly past when you're over 30.
01:05Do they really?
01:06Yeah, so I'm told.
01:08Oh, who am I kidding? Yes, they do.
01:11Well, he probably likes his cake.
01:12Oh, well, of course he will.
01:14Oh, when I was his age,
01:16I was lucky if I got a biscuit with happy birthday penciled on it.
01:19And I never got what I asked for.
01:21What did you ask for?
01:22Oh, you know, Clark Gable, Tyrone Power.
01:26Tristram's easy.
01:27He's after an action man with gripping hands.
01:30Aren't we all?
01:32Oh, Mildred.
01:34Hey, oh, excuse me. Morning.
01:35Morning.
01:36Mildred, I can't find me braces.
01:37They're hanging down the back of your trousers.
01:39Yeah, hey.
01:40Oh, yes, there they are.
01:41What a damn silly place to leave them.
01:44Oh, Mildred, have you been using my razor on your legs?
01:47Certainly not.
01:48Honey, it's a bit blunt.
01:49Look, I'd nicked me throat.
01:50Oh, trust you not to do the job properly.
01:54I don't see the point in getting tartly up just to go to a pub.
01:57George, I want us to look nice.
02:00All right, all right.
02:02I'll blanco me anki.
02:05We're going to have lunch at that nice little pub,
02:06you know, on the green, for Genevieve.
02:08Oh, yes, Geoffrey goes there.
02:09It's a bit snobby.
02:10They have draught gin and tonic.
02:13Well, it's got to be better than the pubs George likes.
02:15I mean, if the glasses aren't filthy,
02:17the landlord's queer.
02:17Well, I think I'd better go and see what happens.
02:20Oh, Mildred, keep him busy while I hide the cake.
02:22All right.
02:26Mummy!
02:29Oh, hello.
02:30Hello.
02:31I was teaching Penny Centre's room,
02:33and he's gone all soggy.
02:35Oh, what a...
02:36I'm going to put him in the oven.
02:38No, not just now.
02:40Look, why don't we go and sit down?
02:42There we are, then.
02:44That's it.
02:45I hear you're having a party tomorrow.
02:46Yes, I'll be seven.
02:49I won't be allowed to go to Mummy's bed any more.
02:51Oh, dear.
02:52Not fair.
02:53See, that's Davian.
02:54And he's older than I am.
02:56Yes, love.
02:57Well, you see, but...
02:59Oh, good.
03:00I'm afraid he's wet his Paddington.
03:01Oh, not again.
03:03Oh, that!
03:04I just draped your hair drape,
03:06but it went bang.
03:08What?
03:09Yes, dear.
03:10Well, I think I'll leave you to it.
03:12I've had quite a few, of course.
03:17Staggering a bit,
03:18but perfectly fit to drive.
03:20Yes.
03:20Got the car keys out,
03:21all set to drive.
03:23Chap comes up to the window.
03:24One of the laddies in blue.
03:26Excuse me, sir, he said.
03:28I'd rather you didn't drive off.
03:30Oh, I said.
03:31Why not?
03:32Because, he said,
03:34you're sitting in my panda car.
03:36Oh!
03:37Oh, jolly good.
03:39Same again all round, please, Sydney.
03:40I'd rather go to the pig and welly, Mildred.
03:45They have a drag act on a Friday.
03:47Oh!
03:48We're coming here.
03:49And look, I want to create a good impression,
03:51so stay in the background.
03:53Look!
03:54This is Mr. Four Mile.
03:56Cooey!
03:57Oh, good God.
03:58Friends of yours?
03:59No, neighbours.
04:00Just neighbours.
04:01Excuse me.
04:02Oh, Mr. Four Mile.
04:03Francis, seeing you here.
04:04Hello.
04:05Hello.
04:05And all your friends, too.
04:08Yes, well, er...
04:09Peter.
04:10Peter Foulkes.
04:12One larger from one small one.
04:14Really?
04:15Oh.
04:17George Roper.
04:18Perfectly normal in every way.
04:22This is Nigel, er, Charles.
04:24Oh, you remember, Bunny?
04:25Er, this is Mrs. Roper.
04:27And him.
04:28Oh.
04:28Er, thank you.
04:30Oh, er, yeah, I'll, er,
04:31I'll have a pint of brown ale,
04:33and she'll have a port and lemon.
04:34Ah, yes.
04:34Sydney?
04:35Here we go, then.
04:36Look, have a period.
04:37Oh, that's very kind of you.
04:38Thank you very much.
04:40Roper.
04:40Oh.
04:40Er, tell me,
04:41are you by any chance
04:42related to the Oxfordshire Roper?
04:45No.
04:46Er, you by any chance
04:47related to the folks
04:48who live on the Ilse?
04:48Er, I, I, I thought
04:51we might get in, er,
04:52a spot of golf this afternoon.
04:53Yes, Peter.
04:54But it's friendly.
04:54Oh, George, golf.
04:56Oh, George has always
04:57want to learn golf.
04:59Yeah, I don't mind.
05:00I'll have to borrow
05:00a club off someone.
05:02Oh, fair talk.
05:03Members only, I'm afraid.
05:04Sorry.
05:05There is a very, very good
05:06crazy golf in the park.
05:08They let anyone in.
05:10Oh, look.
05:11What's this stuff?
05:12Er, that is real ale
05:13from the wood.
05:14Good.
05:14It tastes like gnats water.
05:16Hey, Dan, look.
05:17I'm here.
05:18Well, oh, oh, yeah.
05:20Yeah, well, that's not fair,
05:22is it, dressing up as a customer?
05:23Oh.
05:24The weather.
05:26What?
05:27The weather.
05:28Er, are you, by any means,
05:29interested in the weather?
05:30Er, well, yes.
05:32Oh, good.
05:33You see, because I think
05:34when there's weather around,
05:35well, you can do anything,
05:37can't you?
05:37I mean, you can,
05:37you can mow lawns.
05:39Well, I can't.
05:40Your husband borrowed
05:41my lawnmower three weeks ago.
05:44Ah, yeah, well, that's mildly,
05:45you see, she said,
05:46before I give it back,
05:47I'll get it repaired.
05:48Repaired?
05:49Er, yeah, well, you see,
05:50I ran it over your lawn sprinkler.
05:52Oh, I borrowed that as well.
05:54Oh, God.
05:59What a lot of toffee-nosed
06:01lardy-dars, Mildred.
06:02They spurn their noses
06:03up at me.
06:04And do you wonder,
06:05juggling with your pickled onions?
06:08Well, nobody would talk
06:09for me, Mildred.
06:10I'm not surprised,
06:11after you told that joke
06:12about the nun
06:12and the banana.
06:14I'll get me out of it.
06:15The original version was...
06:16I know what the original version
06:18was, George.
06:19I heard you telling the vicar.
06:20Yeah, well, he laughed.
06:22Well, he didn't understand it.
06:24Come to that,
06:24I'm not sure I do.
06:26Ah, well, there you are.
06:27You see, there was this nun.
06:28Yeah, well, thank you very much, George.
06:30That is quite enough.
06:31I don't know why I bother.
06:32I really don't.
06:33Yeah, well, next time I'll go...
06:35Hey, look, Gordon,
06:37how'd he go?
06:38He's going up and down
06:39like he was on a trampoline.
06:41Oh, George.
06:42They wouldn't let him
06:42read the news on a trampoline.
06:44Well, his head's going up and down
06:45like a basketball.
06:46It's the aerial.
06:48There's nothing wrong
06:48with the aerial.
06:49No.
06:50It's the man who put it up.
06:51He's an idiot.
06:53I put it up.
06:54I rest my case.
06:56Well, I think one of us
06:57should go on the roof
06:58and fix it.
06:59No, George.
07:00I think that I ought to
07:01get a man in to do it properly.
07:03I've been thinking so
07:04for some time.
07:06Well, it costs money, Mildred.
07:07I'll do it.
07:07No.
07:08You haven't got a ladder?
07:09That's all right.
07:09Our bar is for the next door.
07:14What time tomorrow
07:15will I be seven?
07:16Um, let me see.
07:17You were born at exactly 2.30.
07:20You were four days late.
07:22I probably couldn't
07:22find my shoes.
07:24That may have been it, dear, yes.
07:27Will I ever be very, very old
07:28like you?
07:29Not if you keep asking
07:30questions like that.
07:33Of all the people,
07:34all the decent, normal people
07:36who might have moved in next door,
07:37I have to get a pickled onion juggler.
07:40What?
07:41Nuns, bananas, brown ale.
07:44Oh, Mr Roper.
07:45Yes, I can't stand the man.
07:47Then why did you land in your ladder?
07:49What?
07:50I saw him thinking
07:50it's out of our garage.
07:52Just now.
07:53Without asking.
07:54Right.
07:56Enough is enough.
07:59There we are.
08:27All nice and comfy.
08:29Well, you may be.
08:30You had sprained your wrist
08:31and broken your leg.
08:32Well, you will,
08:33if you will,
08:33climb down ladders
08:34that aren't there.
08:35Well, it was there
08:36when I went up.
08:37Eh.
08:39Will he live, then?
08:41Is it worth chatting to him?
08:42He's only in for observation.
08:44He'll be out tomorrow.
08:46I'll bring Mrs Roper in now.
08:48She's very worried,
08:49so try and cheer her up.
08:50Oh, blimey.
08:51What about me?
08:52I'm the one who needs cheering up.
08:55This is the worst hospital
08:58in the country
08:58for broken limbs, you know.
09:01You are?
09:02Well, half the surgeons
09:03are straight off the banana boat.
09:05The other half
09:06are the ones
09:07who weren't good enough
09:07to emigrate.
09:08Well, we don't have
09:09simple fact, yeah.
09:10Oh, you'll be lucky
09:11if you knocked Dot and Carrie
09:12for the rest of your life.
09:14I mean, take me.
09:15Half my natural functions
09:17are being performed
09:17by bits of plastic.
09:18If I was to open
09:23my dressing gown,
09:24you'd faint.
09:28George, love.
09:30Oh, who are you?
09:31Oh, not so good, Miltie.
09:34Oh, this is Mr...
09:36Jolly.
09:36Fred Jolly.
09:37Oh, how do you do?
09:39Well, I'll leave you to chat now
09:41while you still can.
09:44I've just had a word
09:45with the doctor, George.
09:46He said nothing important
09:47has been damaged.
09:48Nothing important.
09:49No.
09:50You were lucky.
09:51Your leg broke your fall.
09:53Oh.
09:56Here's Mr. Four Mile, George.
09:58Now, he's very worried.
09:59So do your best
10:00to cheer him up.
10:01Of course.
10:01Truth.
10:02Hello there.
10:04How are you feeling?
10:05Yeah, well, might you ask.
10:07Attempted murder,
10:07that's what it was.
10:08I wouldn't have moved the ladder
10:09if I'd known you were up there.
10:10Oh, Mr. Four Mile,
10:12you mustn't blame yourself.
10:13Ah, thank you.
10:14Yes, he must.
10:15It was his fault.
10:16And you ruined my aerial.
10:18Actually, no.
10:19It was my aerial
10:20who pulled down.
10:21But I don't want you
10:21feeling badly about it.
10:22Well, I bloody don't.
10:25Excuse me.
10:26I suppose you do realise
10:28that you can sue.
10:29I don't think he wants
10:30to know anything about it.
10:30Yes, I do.
10:34Go on.
10:34Well, I mean, there's
10:35loss of earnings,
10:37pain and suffering,
10:38mental distress.
10:39You could sue him
10:40for every penny he's got.
10:42Can I really?
10:47Have a great.
10:47I don't know what you're
11:03having said.
11:05Oh, good morning, madam. One husband. Will you accept delivery?
11:20Yes, of course. There we are. Wipe your foot, George.
11:27Come through him for the lounge, will you?
11:29I'm going to manage him after. He's only a little un.
11:31All right, all right. Don't rush me.
11:32Now, come along, George. No, no, no, mind the stairs.
11:37I've just vacuum cleaned. That's it.
11:40He hasn't been in any trouble, has he?
11:41Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Well, no, no trouble.
11:44Mind you, it wasn't a lot of help whilst we were changing the wheels, but still.
11:47Where do you want him?
11:48Oh, in the wheelchair, please.
11:49All right. In you go, Einstein.
11:52Oh, have you seen her find all this highly amusing?
11:55I am in pain, you know, pain.
11:56So am I. You're on me foot.
11:57Would you and your friend, would you like to have a little drink on me?
12:03Hey, don't tip him. He's on the National Health.
12:06Very generous of you?
12:07Well, fairly generous.
12:09I'll see myself out.
12:11All right.
12:11Four.
12:12Well, now, George, you all right?
12:14Yeah.
12:15Can't be in love. I mean, is there anything I can do for you?
12:16Oh, yeah, there is one thing you can do, Miltie.
12:18You know the bloke in the next bed to me in hospital?
12:20Yeah.
12:20Yeah, well, he wrote something on the end of me foot, but he wouldn't tell me what it was.
12:23Oh, well, I can easily see what that is for you.
12:31I see.
12:32Yeah, well, the nurses wouldn't tell me what it was, either.
12:34It's a sort of limerick, George, and not nice.
12:40Was the matron's name really Tucker?
12:44Well, but it isn't even true.
12:47I forbid you to look at it, George.
12:48How can I look at it?
12:50Excuse me.
12:51Oh, Mr. Formile, do come in, please.
12:56I saw the ambulance, and I thought, well, a bottle of champagne would cheer up our invalid.
13:00Oh, yeah, well, I'm not sure I should accept that.
13:02It might prejudice the case, should I decide to sue you for every penny you've got.
13:07George, it's just his little joke.
13:09Yes, yes.
13:10A wheelchair, all right, is it?
13:12I hired it for you from the WVS.
13:14They do all sorts, wheelchairs, bicycles.
13:16I thought a wheelchair was best at first, but should you want a bicycle later, well...
13:20Yeah, yeah, it might come in handy for getting to and from the court.
13:23Oh, a glass of champagne, eh?
13:26Oh, may I?
13:29This will soon cheer you up.
13:36Good Lord.
13:37Oh, no, not for me, dear.
13:40I promised Anne I'd pop back and, you know, give her a hand with the kiddies.
13:43Oh, fine.
13:44Yeah, yeah, what about me?
13:45Oh, don't be silly, George.
13:46You can't help with a leg like that.
13:47See you later.
13:49Right.
13:50Right, sir.
13:51What shall we drink to, then?
13:52British justice.
13:53No, no.
13:55How about, er...
13:57Oh, yes.
13:58The athletic matron Tucker, eh?
14:01Yeah, that's insane, that rhyme.
14:02Well, didn't you write it?
14:03How could I write it?
14:04I'm not a contortionist.
14:06Er, no, no.
14:07She is, but you're not.
14:09Look, er, is there, er, is there anything else I can do for you?
14:11Er, yeah, I'd like to see the racing at Newmarket.
14:13Well, that's 60 miles away.
14:14No, no, no, it's on television.
14:1626-inch screen in colour.
14:18Well, it is in your house.
14:19Oh, thank you.
14:29Bang!
14:30Ah!
14:31Oh!
14:32Oh!
14:33Did you get that outfit for your birthday?
14:35Yes.
14:35I'm supposed to be the low ranger,
14:37only I can't get the mask on over my glasses.
14:39He had his father dressed as Tonto
14:41with a feather duster stuck down the back of his shirt.
14:44Oh, fun and games.
14:45I was the rancher's daughter, kidnapped.
14:47We tied her to a tree.
14:48Hmm, hands and feet,
14:50and that's how the milkman found me.
14:51Can you imagine?
14:52Yeah.
14:53Yes, I can.
14:57Er, I suppose it's working.
14:59The telly, I mean.
15:00Oh, yes.
15:00I had the aerial fixed.
15:02It cost me £20.
15:03Oh, yeah, well, I'll knock it off the damages
15:04if I decide to sue.
15:08Er, it's, er, on ITV.
15:11ITV?
15:13Well, I don't think the second...
15:14Oh, yes, I missed that it.
15:18ITV.
15:18Er, that's it.
15:20I should mention that my wife and I
15:22are planning on having several children.
15:23Oh, you carry on.
15:24I'll watch the telly.
15:27In here, it's a birthday party for Tristram.
15:31Oh, it's all right.
15:31They won't bother me.
15:32So long as they keep quiet.
15:33Oh, hello, Mr. Roper.
15:35How's the leg?
15:36Oh, broken.
15:37Apart from that, I mean.
15:39Oh, apart from that, it's never been better.
15:40It's good.
15:41Oh, it's not.
15:41Actually, they...
15:44No, no, no, leave him, man.
15:45Um, have a balloon as well, OK?
15:48Right?
15:48Oh, I'll get it.
15:50Oh, table, then top cat, then raw silk, and...
15:53Oh, hello there.
15:57It's, er, it's Brian and Joanne, isn't it?
16:00Yes.
16:01This is for Tristram.
16:02It costs £1.50, and I don't like jelly.
16:07Bye.
16:10Isn't it nice seeing them enjoying themselves?
16:14Whoops, there goes one of your vases.
16:15Don't tell me.
16:16I don't want to know.
16:18Stop that, Roger.
16:19Over a mile to go.
16:21Oh.
16:22Oh, so far, so good.
16:24Only two tantrums and one case of wet trousers
16:26through over excitement.
16:27I do hope it wasn't George.
16:34Is he, er, spoiling their fun in there?
16:36No, they're spoiling his.
16:37Oh.
16:38I think I'll organize a few party games in a minute.
16:40Oh, no, you won't, Geoffrey.
16:41I know your party games.
16:42That's how we got Tristram in the first place.
16:45I think I'll give a prize to the first one
16:46that wants to go home.
16:47Oh, Geoffrey, they're nice little children.
16:49Now get back in there before they destroy the place.
16:52No, come on, I'll go, love.
16:53Hold it.
16:54You'll need a drink first.
16:57Come on, get me to rest with you.
17:01Stop it, I'm trying to watch the belly.
17:03Do you mind?
17:05I'll give you an old leg back.
17:06What?
17:07Will you get your old leg back
17:09or will they give you a bike, please?
17:11I've still got me old legs in there.
17:13Why don't you jump off the rope?
17:15I'll still jump off the rope.
17:16I'm trying to watch the races.
17:17All right, all right, there it is.
17:19Come on now.
17:20We're going to play a game.
17:21Right.
17:22There we are.
17:23We're trying to improve on the either side.
17:24Oi!
17:25Oh, George, you haven't got a party hat on.
17:29There we are.
17:29Look at that.
17:31He's got words written on his foot.
17:33Let me see.
17:34No, no, no.
17:37Now, what sort of game shall we play?
17:39Let's play a kissing game.
17:41No, it's my birthday.
17:43Let's play pass the parcel.
17:44Oh, what a good idea.
17:46All right, then everybody get round in a circle.
17:48Come on, that's it.
17:49You can't get the parcel from me, love.
17:50That's it.
17:51Mind you go, darling.
17:51That's it.
17:52There we are.
17:54There, you sit down.
17:55Matthew, Matthew, leave the Kung Fu till later, do you?
18:00There.
18:02Well, I see you're entering into the spirit of things.
18:04Yeah.
18:10How long's this going on for?
18:12Well, do you remember what it was like when you were a child?
18:13I didn't have parties on my birthday
18:15before I'd treat my dad when he used a buckling of his belt.
18:18Yeah, yeah, and I'll tell you, oh, oh, oh, yeah.
18:22I'll tell you something.
18:23Here, hang on, I'd let go, ain't I?
18:27That's what's given here, didn't I?
18:29Oh.
18:32Here, how about taking me for a pint?
18:34That's the most sensible suggestion I've heard today.
18:36Come on.
18:37Oi!
18:38Pop him.
18:40Pop him.
18:44So, there I was, tooling up the M4,
18:46keep it down to about 80.
18:48Eh?
18:48Well, it was a bit foggy.
18:50Oh, best to keep on the safe side, yeah.
18:51Suddenly, hear the bell, see the blue light close behind.
18:54For right, tally-ho!
18:57Down the service road, pick your turn,
18:59up the B143.
19:00I know it.
19:02Hello, Geoffrey.
19:04Hello, Peter.
19:06Sorry about, uh...
19:07Ah, perfectly all right.
19:08Well, uh, hello again.
19:10You're not looking too well, are you?
19:12Won't be juggling any pickled onions today, of all four.
19:15Well, I see mental distress.
19:18The jury would take a dim view of that,
19:20should I decide to sue.
19:21Yes, Scottish, Miss.
19:23Yeah, large one.
19:23Ah, here.
19:24Uh, two large Scottish pieces, isn't it?
19:26Was a young matron named Tucker...
19:28Oh, uh, I shouldn't, shouldn't bother for that,
19:29but I'm, uh, it's a joke.
19:31Oh, hey, yeah, hey, talking about joke.
19:33Uh...
19:33Did I ever tell you the one about it?
19:34Uh, if you'll excuse me, uh,
19:36the brewery's delivering today.
19:37Ah, yeah, oi, before you go,
19:39will you get me an ounce of rough shag and some fag papers?
19:41You don't serve that sort of thing here.
19:43Yeah, there's a debaconess at the top of the hill.
19:45Oh, top of the hill?
19:46Oh, yeah, right.
19:47Yeah, well, when we've had a drink,
19:48then another one.
19:49You can push me up there, right?
20:02Oh, come on, son, get move on.
20:04Poor our condition, you are.
20:06Don't hear me puffin' and pantin'.
20:08Right, what, uh, what do you want?
20:22Uh, one ounce of rough shag and some fag papers.
20:25I'll give you the money later.
20:26Yes.
20:27If I remember.
20:28I'll give you the money later.
20:58Stuck the barrels over there, Sydney.
21:18Are you all right, F, F, F, F, two Fs, what's going?
21:33No, you see, I must say, in the first place, I do feel, in some small way, that it was partly my fault.
21:44Well, I'll never live it dark. Praying by a wheelchair.
21:47Well, if it'll be of any help, I won't let George come into your pub any more.
21:51It'll make me feel better.
21:52Oh, good.
21:53Well, looking on the bright side, I wasn't even scratched.
21:57How do you do?
21:58Oh, hello.
21:59I suppose you do realise that you could sue him for every penny he's got.
22:06I hadn't thought of that.
22:08Oh, my God.
22:17I could do more than nose trouble.
22:19If I could do more than death weapons, I'd be fine for you.
22:22I know what would happen to me.
22:23I do.
22:25Oh, the keep going.
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