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00:00The one, the only, Max Ali!
00:30I love you!
00:47The energy is amazing tonight.
00:51Nice to see you.
00:54Oh, my God.
00:59So welcome. Welcome to my childhood home.
01:05This set
01:07reminds me of the house I grew up in.
01:11This is the most
01:13khakhakh.
01:15A lot of people are asking, what does khakhakh do?
01:17Nothing. It's my own made-up word for this.
01:23Persian rugs.
01:25In a Persian household, there's Persian rugs
01:28everywhere. You walk in the living room, the walls, we have Persian rug. You go in the bathroom,
01:34the shower drape is a Persian rug. You go to the computer, the little mouse pad is a cute little
01:41Persian rug. You can do anything you want with a Persian rug, but you can't walk on it.
01:51We bought another rug to put on top of the Persian rug.
01:58I went to UCLA. That's why this show is so special to me. I love this campus.
02:09I'm a Bruin, and I tell you, it's so special to be back. I was in college here, and we had a little
02:18small student organization, and when kids moved here from Iran, we all helped the kid to get
02:23adjusted. Somebody would show him the campus. Somebody would help him pick his classes.
02:27My role in the student organization was to take the kids and play sports with. That was my thing.
02:33Show him, like, you know, have some activities. And every Persian kid that ever came from Iran,
02:38when you'd ask them, are you good at anything, they would say, yes, I'm the best.
02:44It's a cultural thing. And never forget, this kid, Hassan, moved to U.S., and I said, Hassan,
02:50you like to play basketball? He goes, yes, I am a professional basketball player.
02:53I said, really? He goes, yes, I am the best in Iran. I took this to the basketball court,
02:59because I thought, oh, my God, Hassan is going to show all my American friends
03:04how good we are at basketball. We get to the basketball court. Hassan changes. He's wearing
03:11short shorts. He's wearing shorts so short, I couldn't believe it. He's wearing, like, Larry Bird
03:171960s shorts. Hair, poof. His left nut sticking out of the shorts. I'm like, oh, my God, Hassan,
03:26what is this? We start playing. I couldn't wait to pass the ball to Hassan. I couldn't wait. I was
03:31so excited. I get the ball. I pass the ball to Hassan. Hassan grabs the ball. Hassan disrespects
03:37the game of basketball in a way that, in the history of basketball, it's never happened
03:42before. Hassan shits on basketball like I've never seen before. He grabs the ball. He starts
03:49dribbling. He's bouncing with the ball. He's literally with the ball going, okay, let's go.
03:58I'm like, Hassan, what are you doing? Hassan is jumping, and nobody knows how to guard this guy.
04:04He's like, what? And that's the moment, also, I realize we make certain noises that only Iranians
04:14understand what it means. Every time Hassan got fouled, he goes, eh? When we don't like some shit,
04:23we go, eh? The whole game, Hassan going, eh? Eh? I'm like, Hassan, say foul. He goes, I did, eh?
04:34Dude plays so aggressive. I never forget this white kid. Him and Hassan, they're just bumping heads,
04:41right? All of a sudden, these two get so heated. Hassan, like, goes into his chest. The white kid
04:47gets slammed, falls on the ground, gets up. He's pissed. He goes, fuck you, man. He said, fuck you.
04:54Hassan froze.
04:55He couldn't believe this shit. He looked at the white kid, he goes, fuck me.
05:10The white guy goes, yeah, fuck you, man. He goes, you want to fuck me? He double-checked.
05:18And then he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Me, fuck you.
05:34See, buddy, in Iran, when they say, fuck you, they actually, fuck you.
05:39In Iran, they don't even say, fuck you, and they, fuck you.
05:47You just walk in, something goes, oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
05:58Hassan took that shit literally, bro.
06:01Now the game is so intense.
06:04Hassan is pissed.
06:09Buddy, the game goes bananas.
06:11He's playing.
06:12Next thing you know, ball hits the rim.
06:14It goes up.
06:15They both jump for a rebound.
06:17Holy moly, I couldn't believe this shit.
06:20We're in the middle of UCLA campus.
06:23Hassan goes for a jump.
06:25He leans in.
06:26He brings God into this.
06:28He goes, Allahu Akbar.
06:32He jumps, Allahu Akbar.
06:35All of a sudden, I couldn't believe this shit.
06:37He starts elevating.
06:39I'm like, this is unbelievable.
06:41He keeps going higher.
06:42The white kid is halfway going, what the hell is happening?
06:45The white kid couldn't believe it.
06:46He goes, Jesus Christ.
06:48All of a sudden, the white kid starts elevating.
06:51I was like, holy shit, Muhammad and Jesus are up there competing against each other.
06:56He said, Habibi, Habibi, come, Habibi.
07:00Dude, they both crashed on each other's heads so hard.
07:03Boom, they hit the ground.
07:05They hit the ground.
07:06They're pissed.
07:07The white kid, just, he peels himself off the ground.
07:10He looks at Hassan and he goes, motherfucker.
07:12Oh, never cuss at Chachach's mother.
07:23Dude, he said, motherfucker.
07:26Hassan started interviewing everybody in the basketball court.
07:30Is he talking about my mother?
07:32Excuse me, talking about my mother?
07:34Is it my mother?
07:35My mother?
07:38My mother?
07:41Now, the white kid is freaking out.
07:43He's like, what?
07:45And then he loses it.
07:47I f*** your mother, your grandmother.
07:49You're great, great, great grandmother.
07:52You're great, great, great, great, great grandmother.
07:55Then he goes for a fight.
07:57He started throwing punches.
07:58I grabbed him by the waist.
08:00I'm like, Hassan, relax.
08:02He can't f*** your mother.
08:04He goes, how do you know?
08:08I'm like, buddy, your mother lives in Iran.
08:12He goes, I know.
08:13What if he goes to Iran?
08:15I go, he can't go to Iran.
08:18He has to flight Iran Air.
08:19He's going to die immediately.
08:24That day, I learned a big lesson.
08:27I realized I'm not fully chachach.
08:30We play basketball all the time.
08:34F*** you, f*** you, f*** you too.
08:35F*** you more.
08:35F*** you infinity.
08:36F*** you, f*** you, motherf***er.
08:37F*** you, f*** your mother.
08:39Nobody cares.
08:39Nobody fights.
08:40Nobody loses their mind.
08:42But for him, it was completely different.
08:46Hassan actually saw his mother
08:49being pounded by this white guy.
08:57It was very different.
09:02He saw the kid knocking on their high.
09:05Are you Hassan's mother?
09:07He's like, yes, it is me.
09:10He's like, it is the time.
09:11I am not ready.
09:14It doesn't matter, mom.
09:15We got to go now.
09:18That's what Hassan saw.
09:19You see, it's a matter of perspective.
09:25That's the day I realized, you know,
09:29we come from different places.
09:31We see things differently.
09:33And we should never give anyone the power
09:37to make us that upset by using a couple of words.
09:42We should never give anyone the control
09:45to hurt us that bad
09:47that we lose our minds.
09:49And I love how everybody's clapping.
09:52Yes, but it's hard to do this.
09:55It's easier said than done, yeah?
09:57All of you guys driving on 405
09:59and somebody gives you the finger.
10:00What do you do?
10:01You call your job.
10:03I'm quitting.
10:03I'm a civil engineer.
10:04I'm quitting today.
10:05I'm following this ass horn.
10:06You follow the guy.
10:09Fuck you.
10:11Fuck you more.
10:14You drive all the way up to San Francisco
10:16just to cut this guy off five more times
10:18and come back to L.A.
10:22We're all guilty of it.
10:24Me, personally, it's happened to me.
10:27I'll never forget this guy
10:28in front of a bunch of people
10:30called me motherfucker
10:32and he enunciated.
10:34It hurt even more.
10:35He goes,
10:36Motherfucker.
10:40And I got mad
10:41and I was going to say something back immediately
10:43and as soon as I was getting mad,
10:45all of a sudden,
10:47I thought of Hasan.
10:50And as soon as I thought of that,
10:52I just immediately calmed down.
10:54And as soon as I calmed down,
10:57I look at the guy.
10:59All of a sudden,
11:00I see him for what he is.
11:01He was a really good-looking guy.
11:09Wow.
11:10My mother,
11:11she's been single for 40 years.
11:16My mom would love a man like that.
11:19You know how delighted my mother would have been
11:22to be with this guy?
11:24I was like,
11:25holy shit.
11:26The first thing I said,
11:28I was like,
11:28Sir,
11:29you better be the man of your word.
11:32He was so confused.
11:33He goes,
11:33What?
11:34I said,
11:34You better show up.
11:37I said,
11:37What about you?
11:38Is your mother single?
11:39He goes,
11:39Yes.
11:39I said,
11:40Okay,
11:40I'll return a favor.
11:42We became best friends.
11:45Now,
11:45every Christmas,
11:46we switch home.
11:47Merry Christmas.
11:51See?
11:51It's all matter of perspective.
11:56Unbelievable.
11:57You know,
11:58I grew up with this identity crisis,
12:01not knowing really where I belong to.
12:04And I remember growing up in high school,
12:06I didn't want anybody to know I'm Iranian.
12:08You know,
12:09I just didn't want to say where I'm from.
12:12I was very embarrassed.
12:13But I tell you,
12:13I went to college,
12:14and I was still dealing with this identity crisis.
12:16And then I started stand-up comedy.
12:18And stand-up comedy truly helped me find myself.
12:23As an artist,
12:24your art improves and truly blossoms
12:27the more you get to know who you are.
12:31And through the true you,
12:34your art becomes very special and very unique.
12:37So I really loved stand-up comedy
12:41for that reason.
12:42I started talking about my background.
12:44I started saying on stage,
12:45I'm Iranian.
12:46Oh.
12:47You know?
12:48And,
12:49you know,
12:50it was beautiful.
12:51The more I became comfortable
12:54with my nationality,
12:56the more I became accepted.
12:58And people tend to find a place with me.
13:03They're like,
13:03ah,
13:03we know now how to hate him.
13:05It was beautiful.
13:07And the older I got,
13:09I realized,
13:11I am truly Iranian-American.
13:16I'm definitely Iranian,
13:18and I'm definitely American.
13:19There's parts of me,
13:20very,
13:21very,
13:21very,
13:21chachach.
13:23And parts of me,
13:24very American.
13:25It's so important for everybody
13:27to find exactly who they are.
13:31Anybody else that grew up here
13:32from a different background,
13:34different nationality?
13:36Mexican.
13:37Now that counts.
13:39That's awesome.
13:40Where are you?
13:41Hi.
13:43What's your name?
13:44I'm actually,
13:46my husband's Mexican.
13:47You're speaking on behalf
13:51of your husband
13:52representing Mexico?
13:56What are they?
14:02She's like,
14:03Mexican?
14:04I got this.
14:05Mexican?
14:08Good for you, buddy.
14:09What's your name?
14:10Oscar.
14:11Oscar,
14:12I love it, buddy.
14:13And how long
14:13have you guys been together?
14:14We just got me
14:16and I'm over.
14:17Oh, wow.
14:18Congratulations, honey.
14:20Which one of you guys
14:21was illegal?
14:26You were illegal?
14:29The Persian chick
14:30was illegal?
14:32Oscar got you
14:33green card?
14:37Stereotypes
14:38don't exist, baby.
14:40Don't judge a book
14:41by its cover.
14:43Love you, amigo.
14:45We owe you one.
14:47Oh, my God.
14:49That is so great.
14:51Congratulations.
14:52You guys will have
14:53the best kids.
14:54I'm telling you,
14:55I love,
14:56I love the Latin
14:57and the Middle Eastern
14:58culture mixing together.
15:00You can bring
15:01both flavors together, yeah?
15:03You can make
15:04all these incredible
15:05cuisines.
15:05you can make
15:06gormesabzi burrito.
15:09Fesangium tacos.
15:12Yeah, buddy.
15:13You got to make
15:13the world a better place.
15:15This is so good.
15:17You know,
15:18the day
15:18I discovered
15:20I am chachach
15:21was in high school.
15:22Like, truly,
15:23like, you realize
15:24you're different
15:24than the other kids.
15:26You know,
15:26I walked into
15:27the locker room
15:28and all the boys
15:31were naked
15:32just hanging,
15:34dicks just swinging.
15:36So relaxed.
15:37Hey, what's up, man?
15:38Hey, hey, what's up?
15:40Hey, what's up, Johnny?
15:42It's your birthday.
15:42Yeah, it's my birthday, boy.
15:44Holy shit.
15:46I saw that situation.
15:48I freaked out
15:49my entire life.
15:52Never, ever,
15:53ever
15:54we let the whole
15:55situation out.
15:58We never revealed
15:59the phenomenal.
16:00I remember
16:01going to public pools.
16:02It was a big deal.
16:03My father was just like,
16:04nobody should ever
16:05see you naked.
16:07And, like,
16:07it was a thing.
16:08My whole family
16:09would come together.
16:10My dad would hold
16:10the towel
16:11and he said,
16:12wait, wait.
16:13My mom would hold
16:14the big blankets.
16:15My uncle would start
16:16building a wall.
16:17Everyone's looking.
16:18Okay, no one's looking.
16:21Okay, good.
16:22Okay.
16:25I had to figure out
16:27what to do
16:27and I couldn't help it.
16:28It was,
16:29that day I realized
16:30I am Iranian.
16:32Dude, I'm in,
16:33I'm in the locker room.
16:34I'm like,
16:34I can't go out
16:35with the whole situation.
16:37I literally wrap myself
16:39up like a burrito
16:40all the way.
16:42I go in there.
16:44Hi.
16:46And all the boys
16:47just stopped like,
16:48what's up, Max?
16:49What's going on, buddy?
16:51What's up with this?
16:52I'm like,
16:53nothing, nothing.
16:54Everything is great.
16:56And, you know,
16:57we're in high school.
16:58It's brutal.
16:58Everybody starts chanting,
17:00little dick,
17:01little dick,
17:02little dick.
17:03And I was mortified.
17:06And they're like,
17:07come on, Max,
17:07you got a little dick?
17:09I'm like,
17:10no, no.
17:12No.
17:15It's an Iranian dick.
17:19Come on,
17:20you little dick.
17:21I'm like,
17:22no,
17:22it's a quality dick.
17:23The most miserable
17:28time of my life.
17:29One of my friends,
17:30Brian,
17:31he was a nice guy.
17:32He came next to me
17:33with his dick out.
17:34He grabbed me.
17:36He goes,
17:37come with me, Max.
17:37It's going to be okay.
17:39He pulled in.
17:39I was like,
17:39thank you, Brian.
17:40And Brian was a redheaded guy.
17:43And I had not ever seen
17:45the situation
17:47on a redheaded guy.
17:49I thought there was
17:51something wrong with Brian.
17:53I said,
17:54I said,
17:54Ryan,
17:54are you,
17:55are you okay, buddy?
17:56He goes,
17:57yeah, yeah.
17:57The whole thing was,
17:58it was like red.
17:59You understand?
18:00Hair was red.
18:01Down here,
18:02red.
18:04He had a little
18:05red dick.
18:08It looked like Cheetos.
18:12It literally looked like Cheetos.
18:13Not like puffy Cheetos,
18:15like a skinny ass Cheetos.
18:16Skinny ass Cheeto dick.
18:20Since high school,
18:22I have not eaten Cheetos.
18:25I see a bag of Cheetos.
18:26I think it's a bag
18:27of Brian's dick.
18:32The traumas.
18:34The traumas of high school.
18:37My God.
18:39You know,
18:40it's like,
18:41as a kid,
18:42you just try to fit in.
18:44All your life,
18:45you try to fit in.
18:46I couldn't even fit
18:47into my own household.
18:49You know,
18:49I really grew up
18:50with my mom
18:51and my two sisters.
18:54You know,
18:54my dad was hardly ever around.
18:56And my mom and two sisters,
18:57like,
18:58it was just a bunch of women
18:59in my house.
18:59I had to wear a bra
19:00just to fit in.
19:03Iranian mothers,
19:04they're so OCD.
19:07Yeah?
19:07That's why
19:08all Iranians
19:09are so OCD.
19:10my mom
19:12is constantly like,
19:14oh,
19:14this is not clean.
19:15Clean this,
19:16clean it again.
19:16You don't know how to clean.
19:17Like,
19:18nobody else knows
19:19how to clean
19:19but my mom.
19:20She's like a professional
19:21at this shit.
19:22We have a cleaning lady
19:24that comes to her house
19:26every Tuesday
19:27at 9 a.m.
19:29My mother
19:30wakes up at 7 a.m.,
19:32starts cleaning.
19:33We go,
19:34mom,
19:34what are you doing?
19:35She goes,
19:35she's coming.
19:36The house looks terrible.
19:40I'm like,
19:41what are you talking about?
19:42And then the cleaning lady
19:43comes,
19:44my mom starts coaching
19:45and that's not how you clean.
19:46You clean like this,
19:47let me show you.
19:47Like,
19:49what are you,
19:49a cleaning coach here?
19:53We take this shit
19:54way too seriously.
19:55We do.
19:56Yeah,
19:56so much pressure.
19:57Do this,
19:58don't do that.
19:59When you go out,
19:59don't do that.
20:00Like,
20:00we can't even go
20:01to the bathroom
20:01with our mothers
20:02pressuring us
20:03with this rules
20:04and regulations.
20:06You know,
20:06Iranian mothers,
20:07when you go
20:07to the bathroom,
20:08don't touch anything.
20:09Don't touch,
20:10when Iranians
20:11go to the bathroom
20:12in front of other people,
20:14it looks so weird.
20:15We look like
20:16forensic agents,
20:17like if we leave
20:18a fingerprint,
20:18someone's gonna come
20:19and arrest us.
20:20We walk into the bathroom,
20:22we don't touch anything.
20:24We open the faucet,
20:26the other one,
20:27we wash our hands,
20:29we try to,
20:30people are like,
20:30excuse me,
20:31excuse me,
20:32excuse me,
20:33go around people,
20:34for God's sake,
20:35if we go in the toilet,
20:35we wrap the whole thing
20:37with toilet paper.
20:38We wrap ourselves up.
20:41What's going on?
20:44Meanwhile,
20:45you see a white baby
20:47on the floor,
20:49the mom is just like
20:50pulling the kid,
20:52the kid's licking the floor
20:53like,
20:53aah!
20:56The mom is just
20:58pulling the kid,
20:58the kid's like,
20:58aah!
21:00Persian mom's like,
21:01oh my God,
21:02that kid is gonna die.
21:06Meanwhile,
21:06that kid grows up
21:07and becomes an Olympian.
21:10Iranian kids grow up,
21:11become doctors
21:12to cure their own diseases.
21:13Oh my God.
21:19Who's single?
21:20Clap,
21:20let me see,
21:21are you guys single?
21:21Clap,
21:22let's see where
21:22the single people are tonight.
21:23Clap,
21:24clap.
21:25Now all of a sudden,
21:26you're single.
21:26I like this.
21:27You don't want to clap,
21:28you don't have to clap.
21:29She's saying,
21:30she's single,
21:30you're like,
21:31mmm,
21:31she's fucking somebody
21:33she does not want you to know.
21:36You know everything?
21:38What's your name?
21:40Stella,
21:41you need to make better friends.
21:43Are you cousins
21:44or are you friends?
21:45Friends.
21:46Holy shit,
21:47you literally just like
21:48throw her under the bus
21:49like that?
21:50Listen,
21:51this is the problem.
21:53We feel so much pressure
21:55from the society
21:56of,
21:56I cannot say this,
21:58what if I do that?
21:59What if I say
22:00in front of everybody,
22:01I'm single.
22:02Oh my God,
22:02everybody will find out.
22:03Who cares?
22:04Live your life.
22:06Live your life.
22:08I swear.
22:13When it comes to dating,
22:14I'm very American.
22:16That's my,
22:17I'm so American
22:18when it comes to dating.
22:20I don't give a shit
22:21what people think.
22:23I date whoever
22:24I want to date.
22:25I'm on dating apps.
22:27I go out,
22:28meet people.
22:28I love dating
22:29whoever I like.
22:30I don't care
22:31if it's Iranian,
22:32if it's non-Iranian.
22:33Yeah?
22:34But the chachach way
22:35of dating,
22:36all ethnic people
22:37date under so much pressure.
22:40You know what I'm talking about?
22:42And there's this whole thing
22:43where like,
22:44we do like,
22:46oh,
22:46Max,
22:46we found this very good girl.
22:48You should marry her.
22:49She's a good girl.
22:50Yeah?
22:51Oh,
22:51this guy,
22:52very good guy.
22:52Marry this guy.
22:53Good guy.
22:54Yeah,
22:55this is a whole thing.
22:56Good guy,
22:56good girl.
22:57I don't like good girls.
23:04I like bad girls.
23:07The better,
23:08the better.
23:10Good girl.
23:11It's such a chachach thing.
23:14I want a very good girl.
23:15I found a very good girl.
23:18It's such an insecure shit.
23:21Every chachach that wants a good,
23:23very,
23:23very,
23:23very good girl
23:25is because they're thinking the girl
23:26and the whole world
23:27is about to cheat on them.
23:29You let your girl do what she wants,
23:31say what she wants,
23:32wear what she wants,
23:34be herself,
23:35and she will be the best girl
23:36in the world.
23:42Good girl.
23:44Who wants to go out
23:45with a good girl,
23:46man?
23:47You know how boring
23:48good girls are?
23:51I've had the experience.
23:53It's enough.
23:54You know how hard it is
23:55to get a date
23:56from a good girl?
23:58You got to call her for a year
24:00to just go out with her.
24:02You call her,
24:03hi,
24:03you want to go on a date this week?
24:04No,
24:05I am studying for my doctorate.
24:08You call her a week later,
24:09okay,
24:10how about this week?
24:11No,
24:11now I'm getting my second doctorate.
24:15Okay,
24:16I'll try another time.
24:17Yeah,
24:17yeah,
24:17okay,
24:18keep trying.
24:19You call her two months later,
24:21now I'm getting my real estate license.
24:26Then you call her a year later,
24:28you catch her voicemail,
24:29hi,
24:29thank you for calling doctor the best.
24:32If this is an emergency,
24:33call 911.
24:34If it's Max Amini,
24:35keep trying.
24:39I've been on a date
24:41with a good girl.
24:42I was on a date
24:44with this girl.
24:45It was the most miserable
24:46date of my life.
24:48We're sitting at a restaurant,
24:49she doesn't even have eye contact.
24:51This girl is such a good girl,
24:54she won't even look at you.
24:55She's looking everywhere else
24:57and she's like,
24:57uh-huh.
25:02I'm like,
25:02did you lose something on the floor?
25:07Would you like to order something?
25:09No,
25:09I'm not hungry.
25:11I already ate at my mom's house.
25:13She makes the best food.
25:15I'm like,
25:16order something.
25:17No.
25:19Order something to drink.
25:20I don't drink
25:21and I don't do drugs.
25:25I'm like,
25:25nobody offered you drugs.
25:28Calm down.
25:29I'm just saying,
25:30I don't do drugs.
25:31Maybe you should do drugs.
25:33You need to relax.
25:36Holy shit.
25:40After the date,
25:41you're like,
25:41hey,
25:41you want to go out?
25:43You want to do something
25:44after the date?
25:45Let's hang out.
25:45No,
25:46I can't hang out.
25:48Why?
25:49Because my family
25:50waiting for me,
25:51my mother is waiting
25:52for my father,
25:53my father is waiting on me
25:55and then they are all
25:57waiting for each other.
26:00What?
26:01Where is your father?
26:02He's waiting outside.
26:04You turn around,
26:05the dad's behind the window.
26:06Hi,
26:06how are you?
26:07Let's go.
26:07Let's go.
26:09Are you kidding me?
26:12It's a challenge.
26:14Oh my God.
26:16I invited this good girl
26:17to my house.
26:18Finally,
26:18she comes to my house.
26:20She knocks on the door.
26:21I open it.
26:22I'm like,
26:22hi.
26:23I'm excited.
26:23I'm like,
26:23come on in.
26:24She goes,
26:25no.
26:27I don't like coming inside.
26:29What do you want to do?
26:31Like standing at the door.
26:33What do you want?
26:33Let's go walk outside.
26:35For weeks,
26:36we go on a walk outside.
26:40I felt like I was the dog
26:42that she was walking.
26:50Let's go, Max.
26:51Eventually,
27:00eventually,
27:03I get the good girl
27:04in my house.
27:06I get her in my house.
27:08She sits on the couch.
27:09I'm sitting next to her.
27:10We're watching,
27:11I don't know what,
27:12some random shit's playing.
27:14And she is talking,
27:15yeah,
27:16I got my first doctorate degree.
27:17And then the professor goes,
27:18oh my God,
27:19you're the smartest person
27:20in the world.
27:20And I said,
27:21I know,
27:21but I speak also 1800 languages.
27:24And she's just babbling
27:25and I can't hear a word she says
27:27because as a man,
27:30I have a duty.
27:34And that is to make
27:35the first move.
27:37And I'm like,
27:37when is she going to
27:38shut the hell up
27:39so I can go in for a kiss?
27:44Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
27:46So I go in for a little kiss.
27:48As soon as she just like
27:50opened her mouth,
27:51I went,
27:51eh.
27:55I went in for a kiss.
27:57Eh.
27:59As soon as I went for it,
28:00she goes,
28:01ew.
28:03Ew.
28:06You know how shitty that feels?
28:09Ew.
28:09I was like,
28:11what happened?
28:12She's like,
28:13nothing,
28:13try again.
28:17Oh,
28:17okay.
28:19Ew.
28:20We started making out.
28:22Oh my God,
28:22her tongue was so long
28:24I couldn't breathe.
28:25She tongue-
28:26I was going out of breath.
28:30She's like,
28:30don't worry.
28:31I will give you CPR.
28:32I am a doctor.
28:33Now I'm trying to catch my breath.
28:40Now I'm going for second base.
28:41I'm trying to take a shirt off.
28:43You know what kind of shirts
28:44good girls wear?
28:46This shirt had more buttons
28:49and zippers
28:49and hinges.
28:52They were-
28:53the whole thing was so complicated.
28:55You had to be an engineer
28:56to solve the puzzle.
28:58I'm trying to breathe
29:00and open the thing
29:01at the same time.
29:07Finally,
29:08I get the shirt open.
29:09You wouldn't believe this shit.
29:11There is three more buttons
29:13right here.
29:15Three more buttons here.
29:19I go,
29:20what is this?
29:22There was a lockbox
29:23with a coat on it.
29:27I said,
29:28hey,
29:28what is the coat?
29:29She goes,
29:30I don't know.
29:31My father has it.
29:40I want to date a bad girl.
29:43I want to date a girl so bad.
29:46She comes to my house.
29:47She breaks the door.
29:48Where are you?
29:50Bring that little dick.
29:53It's not nizzle.
29:55Unbelievable.
30:01I want to learn some shit.
30:02Bad girls teach you shit
30:03you didn't even know.
30:05Hell yeah.
30:07Oh.
30:10Now,
30:10are you still single
30:11or not?
30:16Oh,
30:16my God.
30:18What a fun crowd.
30:20Anybody from an ethnic background
30:22that grew up in America?
30:24Yes?
30:25What's your background?
30:27I'm half Mexican,
30:28half Spaniard.
30:29Half Mexican,
30:30half Spaniard.
30:31So you're full Mexican.
30:33I was like,
30:39let me explain
30:39to these Asian girls.
30:42You know,
30:42like how
30:43for you guys,
30:45me,
30:46and all of these
30:46ha ha ha,
30:47we're all the same?
30:49Spaniard or Mexicans
30:50to us the same?
30:54This is a really nice
30:56mixed audience.
30:57What's your nationality?
30:58I'm half Filipino
31:00and half white.
31:01Half Filipino,
31:02half white.
31:03That's cool.
31:04And who is this?
31:05My cousin.
31:05That's your cousin.
31:07What's your name?
31:08Mariette.
31:09Mariette.
31:10Yeah.
31:10What do you do?
31:11Product developer.
31:12Product developer.
31:13For what company?
31:14Lululemon.
31:16Lululemon.
31:17Oh,
31:17my God.
31:18That's awesome.
31:20All the bad girls
31:21are clapping.
31:23I love you
31:24and Lululemon,
31:25baby.
31:25So,
31:26do you feel
31:27Filipino American?
31:30Yeah?
31:31So you feel like
31:31parts of you
31:32is very Filipino
31:32and parts of you
31:33very American?
31:34Yeah.
31:35This is incredible.
31:36This is very beautiful.
31:37In America,
31:38a lot of people
31:39in this country,
31:40they deal with
31:42a lot of this
31:43cultural confusion,
31:46mixed mentalities,
31:47upbringings,
31:49mom and dad
31:49from different countries.
31:51It's really fascinating.
31:53I'm so happy
31:55that I had
31:56this incredible
31:57opportunity
31:58to connect
31:59with you guys,
32:00share a little bit
32:00of my life.
32:02And,
32:03as an Iranian,
32:04I love Iran.
32:07As an American,
32:08I love America.
32:10As a human,
32:11I love
32:12the citizens
32:13of the world.
32:13I come from
32:16two countries
32:17that are sworn enemies,
32:20Iran and America.
32:22All they want
32:23is to kill each other.
32:24But personally,
32:26I have inner peace.
32:27I have love.
32:29There's only one element
32:30that could finish
32:31and end
32:32this disaster
32:33we have in the world
32:34is love.
32:35We gotta find
32:37the love
32:38of humanity
32:39for one another
32:40and live in peace.
32:41I hope to that day
32:43we realize
32:44we're all
32:45just one race
32:46and that's
32:47the human race.
32:49Much love.
32:50Thank you very much
32:50for coming out tonight.
32:52Good night.
33:00Thank you so much.
33:04Love you.
33:04Let's go.
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