- 6 months ago
Max Amini FULL COMEDY SPECIAL 2025 | "Randomly Selected" | Stand Up Comedy
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The one, the only, Max Ali!
00:30Toronto! Make some noise!
00:45Thank you very much!
00:50Wow, wow, what an energy!
00:56My God, where are my Persians at?
01:06Where are my non-Persians at?
01:15Man, Toronto's representing, huh?
01:18This is a great mixed audience. I love it.
01:22Who's here?
01:24Huh? What'd you say?
01:28Persian again.
01:29Persian again?
01:33Don't embarrass us in front of everybody.
01:36Again, Persians, again.
01:39I want to scream louder.
01:42I'm sorry. Give me another chance. I can do better.
01:46Yes, yes, fantastic. This guy, pink tie.
01:55You came from work?
01:58You work for, uh, breast cancer awareness or something?
02:04What's up with the pink tie?
02:09I'm curious. Where do you work for?
02:13Where do you work?
02:14Mercedes-Benz downtown.
02:15Mercedes-Benz?
02:18So Persian, this guy.
02:21I work at the Mercedes-Benz downtown.
02:24I wore this so you pick on me so I can advertise.
02:27Good luck, man.
02:30You're gonna hold your camera all night?
02:32If you keep holding it, the security guard is gonna come here
02:35and shove it up your ass.
02:37But judging from your pink tie, you're gonna like it.
02:54Guess who likes it more?
02:55They liked it even more.
02:56They're like, yeah.
02:58Toronto is wild, man.
03:01Toronto is wild, baby.
03:04Oh, baby, my God.
03:06Where are my Arabs in the house?
03:11Where?
03:12Sri Lankian?
03:13Sri Lankian?
03:14Sri Lankian?
03:15Since when Sri Lankians turned Arab?
03:21Europeans in the house.
03:22Make some noise.
03:23Europeans.
03:24Nice, nice, nice.
03:25What country?
03:26Netherlands?
03:27Nice.
03:28And you're here on vacation?
03:30Just came from you.
03:31Just came from me?
03:33From the Netherlands.
03:38Are you fucking with me?
03:43Buddy, I owe you some gas money.
03:46What are you saying?
03:47I pay for the hotel.
03:49Come stay at my place.
03:52What do you do in Netherlands?
03:55You're a genetic scientist?
03:57Holy shit.
03:59That's pretty fucking respectful, man.
04:02So you genetically can scientifically decide what the fuck's happening.
04:07Yeah?
04:10I gotta tell you.
04:12I sincerely love what I do.
04:15And the most special part of my show is when I get to connect with you guys.
04:20Get to know you guys.
04:22I love it, man.
04:24It's the best moment of my life.
04:28I mean it.
04:29I truly wish for everyone here.
04:32Yeah?
04:33To do something that they love.
04:35I hope you guys love your jobs.
04:37But if you don't love your job, it's still okay.
04:40Yeah?
04:41Find something on the side that you love.
04:43Right?
04:44Have a passion in life.
04:46You gotta do something every day that makes you happy.
04:49Even if your job is some shitty Mercedes Benz sales shit.
04:55They make you wear a pink embarrassing tie.
04:59Comedy is my passion and I love it.
05:01I've loved it my entire life.
05:03And people think it's easy to be a comedian.
05:05It's just not easy.
05:06People think I just go on stage.
05:10No.
05:11Like there's many different things about my job.
05:13It's very difficult.
05:14Like traveling is one of them.
05:15Traveling is very, very brutal.
05:18Going to city to city to city.
05:20Yeah?
05:21Going to the airport.
05:22Dealing with the staff.
05:24Dragging your luggage.
05:25It's really, traveling is so difficult.
05:27The other day, I go to the airport.
05:29I'm gate 18.
05:30I get there, they have changed the gate.
05:32Where's the new gate?
05:33218.
05:36I asked the lady, where is it?
05:37She goes, five days walk this way, sir.
05:40Now I'm running like a crazy person in the airport.
05:43You know how embarrassing it is as an adult to run in the airport?
05:48It's the worst feeling when you know your gate is 20 minutes away, but you got five minutes
05:54to get there.
05:56That stress, the anxiety that kicks in.
06:00If anybody knows the feeling, you run so fast.
06:03You run faster than you ever run in your life.
06:06You know what I'm talking about?
06:08Like, I've seen the most unathletic people in the airport run like no one's business.
06:16It's the only time you run for your life, man.
06:19When you know you're about to miss the goddamn flight.
06:22You seen these people at the airport?
06:24They're fucking running.
06:25Like...
06:29I saw a 90-year-old with a walker.
06:32He was just...
06:35At some point, he took it behind his back.
06:37He was like...
06:42You gotta get to that plane, baby.
06:44The other day, I was so late.
06:48I'm running, and when I say running, I was running so fast.
06:52I run fast.
06:53I was running like a freaking machine, man.
06:55I was running so fast.
06:56All of a sudden, I notice somebody else is running right next to me.
06:59I start running even faster.
07:03I was going so fast.
07:05This guy catches up with me.
07:07I look at him.
07:08He goes,
07:09Max Avini?
07:17I was like, yes.
07:18He goes, I love you.
07:22I said, I love you too, man.
07:24And we're running.
07:25He goes, can I take a picture?
07:26I go, buddy, I'm late.
07:30He goes, it's okay.
07:31I am late too.
07:37He took a picture.
07:38I look like this.
07:44I was in the bathroom, okay?
07:46I was standing at a stall.
07:49This dude walks into the bathroom.
07:53Comes right next to me.
07:55Max Avini?
08:08I go, yes.
08:09I love you.
08:12As a straight man, you should never be holding your dick telling another man, I love you.
08:16Can I take a picture?
08:17We're in the bathroom.
08:18I said, no, man.
08:19It's inappropriate.
08:20No, no, no.
08:21It's okay.
08:22It's gonna be funny.
08:23It's very funny.
08:24I said, no, man.
08:25It's not right.
08:26He goes, no, no, it's okay.
08:27Please.
08:28You're the comedian.
08:29You tell me how to make it funny.
08:30I said, you want it hilarious?
08:31He goes, yes, yes.
08:32Hilarious.
08:33I said, okay.
08:34Let me piss on you.
08:35You want me to take a piss on you too?
08:36I love you.
08:37I love you.
08:38You want me to take a piss on you too?
08:39You do the match.
08:40I love you.
08:41How beautiful.
08:42I love you.
08:43I love you.
08:44I love you.
08:46Yes.
08:47I love you.
08:49I thought you did fotograf.
08:50It was terrible.
08:51It was terrible.
08:52Andência.
08:53Signumoney.
08:54We are just kidding.
08:55Bom,iamente, you're the comedian.
08:56You tell me how to make it funny.
08:57I said, you want it hilarious.
08:58He goes, yes, yes.
09:00Hilarious.
09:01I said, okay.
09:04Let me piss on you.
09:05Take a picture.
09:06I love you.
09:07You want me to take a piss on you too?
09:08I've been a fan since the 90s.
09:10Oh, yeah?
09:12This lady's been my fan since the 90s.
09:16Yes, yes.
09:17Yes.
09:18I was not a comedian in the 90s.
09:23No, I wasn't.
09:25You have a picture?
09:27Of me in the 90s?
09:31Can you check the genetics on row 19?
09:35CJ35.
09:38I think dementia is hitting, yeah?
09:43Tell her how old I am.
09:44Aren't you the PhD scientist of the discovery of the genetics?
09:49Ask the doctor in the front.
09:51What?
09:52You need to finger me to find out?
09:56This guy, what kind of fucking doctor are you?
10:00This is not a car mechanic shop for you to oil change.
10:03You're really my fan, huh?
10:08Yes.
10:09Oh, she's a sweetheart.
10:11I love you.
10:11Give her a round of applause.
10:16I'm going to tell you something tonight.
10:18You hear it from me.
10:19Age is just a bullshit-ass number.
10:22You've got to feel good.
10:24You've got to take care of yourself.
10:26You've got to live good.
10:28You could be the oldest 30-year-old or the youngest 70-year-old.
10:32Yeah?
10:33Live it.
10:34Like, strong, man.
10:36Every day counts.
10:37Laugh.
10:38Every single day.
10:41Every single day.
10:48The other day, I missed my flight.
10:50Yeah?
10:51And I thought about this topic.
10:54I thought, I need to share this with my audience.
10:57Yeah?
10:58So you guys never fall into this trap.
11:01Okay?
11:03I missed my flight.
11:05And I'm letting you know.
11:06When the door of the plane is closed, okay, by aviation rules, they can't open it again.
11:14So don't beg those counter people to open the door.
11:19I want my fans to keep their pride and go home.
11:23Yeah?
11:24Don't beg these people.
11:25These counter people at the airport are some of the meanest, most evil, twisted, sick, psycho.
11:36Zombies of all time.
11:39They're just standing there like.
11:42You know how sick you got to be to take that job?
11:46Just be so happy.
11:47The vulnerable people, they miss their flight.
11:50They just stand there so excited to tell them the door is closed.
11:54They love doing this shit.
11:59They love it.
12:01Don't beg them.
12:02Never give them the pleasure.
12:04Keep your pride and walk away.
12:06The other day, I miss a flight.
12:10Okay?
12:11And I told myself, I'm not even going to look at this agent.
12:15All right?
12:15So I get there.
12:17I walk.
12:18I see her.
12:19Now she's bottled up.
12:20She couldn't wait.
12:21She was so excited for this one person that missing the flight to arrive and destroy that person.
12:27She was just like, standing there.
12:33I don't even give her eye contact.
12:35I just walk by her.
12:36I looked.
12:37I wanted to see if the door of the plane is closed or not.
12:41I look.
12:42The door is closed.
12:42I'm about to leave.
12:43I can feel her energy.
12:45She's staring into my soul.
12:52And I'm looking at the door and I said, let me mess with her a little bit.
12:55Yeah, let me give her a taste of her own medicine.
12:56I look at the door and I smile so big as if I'm so happy the door is closed.
13:01I went, ha, ha, ha.
13:05And she got a little pissed because her wires crossed.
13:10Her brain said, why is this guy happy that the door is closed?
13:14I smile big and I walk away.
13:16I'm leaving.
13:18And as I'm leaving, she can't help it.
13:21She screams, the door is closed.
13:26I looked at her.
13:29I said, who gives a shit?
13:31And I walked away.
13:33Oh, my God.
13:36I said that?
13:37She died inside.
13:39She has never in her entire career experienced somebody who doesn't care about missing their
13:45flight.
13:46I walked away.
13:48She couldn't help it.
13:49She screams in the airport.
13:52Why?
13:52Why?
13:54Why?
13:56Why don't you give a shit?
14:00She had a meltdown.
14:02I came back and I thought to myself, I'm going to teach her a big lesson.
14:06I came back and I said, ma'am, because I am Iranian.
14:16And she was confused.
14:17She said, what the hell?
14:18I said, we believe when we miss a flight, it wasn't meant to be.
14:27That means God has a plan for this plane.
14:31And he doesn't want me to be a part of that plan.
14:35From the bottom of my heart, good luck.
14:37I walk away.
14:41She pissed herself.
14:44She messages the pilot immediately.
14:46Oh, my God.
14:47A suspicious Iranian man came to the counter and said, God has a plan for this plane.
14:55And good luck.
14:57The pilot shot himself.
15:00He calls the police, air marshal, TSA, security.
15:04Everybody come.
15:05They cancel the flight.
15:07I took the next flight.
15:14I arrived before anybody else.
15:22I saw an Iranian couple miss their flight once.
15:26And this is how I decided I got to talk about this.
15:31I miss a flight one day.
15:32As I'm leaving the counter, I saw an Iranian couple running to this counter.
15:36And as they were running, I was like, oh, my God, I got to watch this.
15:42This is gold.
15:44So like a little creep, I stood in the corner just to see what's going to happen.
15:51The couple, they start running.
15:53The couple, they start running.
15:56The husband gets to the counter.
15:58He goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:04See, Iranians, we make certain sounds.
16:07Only we understand what it means.
16:09It has a distinct meaning.
16:12Yeah.
16:14There's sounds.
16:15No words needed.
16:16But we know what it means.
16:17Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:20It means something bad happened.
16:23It means something horrible happened.
16:25Okay?
16:27Do you want to learn how to do it?
16:28If you want to do it properly, you have to think and picture an owl being fingered.
16:43What does an owl sound like?
16:46Oh, oh, oh.
16:49But when you finger the owl.
16:52Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:56The pink dye guy loved it.
17:11The husband goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
17:14The wife goes, what happened?
17:17He goes, we missed the flight.
17:22She goes, what are we going to do now?
17:25He goes, huri.
17:27Her name was huri.
17:28Huri.
17:30Please do something.
17:34Iranian men, they know they cannot do shit themselves anyways.
17:43If anybody can do anything, it's the women.
17:46That's right.
17:53Huri.
17:54Confident Iranian woman looks at her husband.
17:56She goes, don't worry about it.
17:58I got you.
18:02She walks up to the counter with so much confidence.
18:06Excuse me?
18:09We have arrived.
18:11Open the door.
18:11We have arrived.
18:18Open the door.
18:20The lady goes, the door is class.
18:26Huri goes, okay, okay, okay.
18:28Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
18:30Here comes Persian negotiations at its best.
18:34Okay, okay.
18:34Open the door a little bit.
18:37We go inside.
18:38Now the white lady's going to be like, oh my God, I didn't think a little bit is not a problem.
18:51Oh my God, I thought you wanted all the way open.
18:53The lady goes, the door is class.
18:59Dude, Huri realizes it's a bad situation.
19:05She goes, Persian drama immediately.
19:10Please.
19:13Please.
19:15Open the door.
19:18Please.
19:20Open the door.
19:22Please.
19:22Please.
19:23The husband goes, buddy, it's not working.
19:30Woody goes, Billy.
19:34We're at LAX airport in Los Angeles.
19:39This lady goes bananas.
19:41Please.
19:42Open the door.
19:47Open the door.
19:49I have surgery.
19:50Please.
19:50Please.
19:51Please.
19:53Open the door.
19:55I have surgery.
19:58The husband goes, hurry.
20:00Say it's your birthday.
20:01He's not even listening.
20:02I have surgery.
20:02Yeah.
20:02He's not even listening.
20:08Please.
20:09I have surgery on my birthday.
20:15Open the door.
20:17Please.
20:19Dude, people are going, what the hell?
20:21all of a sudden
20:24who realizes
20:24it's not working
20:25she changes tactic
20:27excuse me
20:29are you married
20:32most thing you can do
20:36the lady
20:37she's an evil bitch
20:38nobody marries her
20:40she goes
20:42no I'm single
20:43she goes
20:43I pray for you
20:45I will pray for you
20:48I will pray for you
20:50as if she's Jesus Christ
20:52I pray beautiful man
20:56come into your life
20:56I will pray
20:57as she's praying
20:59the plane takes off
21:01Hootie and the husband realize
21:07game over
21:08Hootie snaps
21:11I pray
21:13motherfucker
21:14motherfucker
21:17fuck you
21:19fuck you
21:21fuck you
21:24the husband goes
21:26Hootie relax
21:27she turns to the husband
21:29fuck you too
21:30fuck you
21:33the husband goes
21:36you haven't fucked me
21:38for 40 years
21:39you never fucked me
21:45it is
21:47fuck me
21:48you go to standby
21:56you guys know what happens
21:57at standby
21:57yeah
21:59when you miss your flight
22:00you go to the next flight
22:02that's going to the same destination
22:04yeah
22:04but you have to wait
22:06for them to get
22:07all the passengers
22:08on the plane first
22:09once everybody's on board
22:11if there's any room
22:12on the plane
22:13they call your name
22:14Hootie
22:15every 10 minutes
22:17goes to the counter
22:18excuse me
22:21did you call Hootie
22:22they're like
22:25ma'am
22:25please wait
22:26okay
22:27you have to wait
22:28till the entrance
22:28okay okay okay
22:29Hootie comes back
22:32and the husband
22:32they make a picnic
22:33she pulls out
22:3650 napkins
22:37she stole from McDonald's
22:38she opens it up
22:42pistachio
22:43cashew
22:44sunflower seeds
22:45cucumber
22:46tomatoes
22:47eggplant
22:48she starts making sandwiches
22:51every five minutes
22:54Hootie will go to the counter
22:55excuse me
22:56did you call Hootie
22:58they're like
23:02ma'am
23:02please go sit down
23:03at the very end
23:04we'll call you
23:04okay okay okay
23:06five minutes later
23:07she will take some pistachios
23:08excuse me
23:09do you like pistachio
23:10did you call Hootie
23:13Hootie
23:15please have a seat
23:15okay okay okay
23:1710 times
23:18she goes
23:19did you call Hootie
23:20finally
23:21at the very end
23:23there's only
23:25one seat available
23:27they call my name
23:31Hootie
23:35Hootie gets electrocuted
23:37I grab my bag
23:41I'm going to the plane
23:42Hootie steps up
23:43excuse me
23:44Max Amimi
23:45I turn around
23:47hi Hootie
23:49oh how do you know my name
23:53I said to be honest with you
23:56the whole airport knows your name
23:58really
24:01I said yes
24:03Hootie goes
24:04you know
24:05you're an honorable Iranian artist
24:07and I am an older Iranian woman
24:11how could you walk in front of me
24:13and not offer me your seat
24:15immediately
24:17I pulled out my boarding pass
24:19and I gave it to her
24:19I said go ahead Hootie
24:21you can have a seat
24:22Hootie couldn't believe it
24:24she's like oh my god
24:25thank you
24:27I can't believe you gave it to me
24:29I said of course Hootie
24:31why would I not give it to you
24:33you have surgery
24:35on your birthday
24:39she goes oh
24:43I was lying
24:45I said it's okay
24:49go ahead
24:50she goes
24:50no
24:51I cannot go
24:52we need two seats
24:53me and my husband
24:55here
24:55you go
24:56she gives me the boarding pass
24:59and I go
24:59Hootie
25:00what are you doing
25:01you knew
25:02there's only one seat
25:04she goes
25:04I know
25:05I just wanted to come up
25:07and talk to you
25:08because I'm a big fan
25:09I remember you
25:12from the 90s
25:14I said Hootie
25:25I wasn't a comedian
25:26in the 90s
25:27she goes
25:27yes you were a comedian
25:29I have a picture with you
25:32she goes
25:37can I ask you a favor
25:38I said what is it
25:39she goes
25:39can you come in the bathroom
25:40and take a picture with me
25:41I wanted to be very funny
25:46my god
25:49I took the boarding pass
25:51I walked on the plane
25:53and I was really happy
25:54I'm like oh my god
25:55I'm going to make it
25:56to my destination
25:57you know the feeling
25:57sometimes you start your day
25:59it's sort of shitty
26:00yeah
26:01it doesn't go your way
26:02but it's working out
26:03that's how I felt
26:04I'm like man
26:04I'm on the plane now
26:06this is great
26:06I look at my boarding pass
26:08my seat
26:0828B
26:09I walk up to my seat
26:11I couldn't believe this shit
26:1428B was missing
26:17I look
26:19I look at the boarding pass
26:21there is no seat
26:23my seat
26:24my seat
26:25happened to be
26:27between two
26:28of the biggest humans
26:30on planet earth
26:31these two guys
26:35were so big
26:36my seat in the middle
26:37disappeared
26:37I couldn't believe it
26:42I looked
26:42I looked at the flight
26:43and they go
26:43excuse me
26:4428B is missing
26:45she knew
26:46what's happening
26:47she goes
26:48sir
26:48your seat
26:49is right there
26:50and then she ran away
26:51I'm like
26:55what
26:55I look at the guys
26:57I go
26:57sorry
26:58guys
26:59that's my seat
27:00the guys looked at each other
27:01what seat
27:02I said the crack
27:05right there
27:06they look between their biceps
27:12together
27:13unison
27:13and they're like
27:14we're gonna make it happen
27:15I said thank you so much
27:18the guy said
27:19can you turn around
27:20I trusted him
27:22I turned around
27:24he grabbed the back
27:24of my pants
27:25and he started pulling
27:26now the guy is pulling
27:28I'm right at the crack
27:29okay
27:30the other guy
27:31is pushing himself
27:33to the window
27:33he's just pancake
27:34to the window
27:34this guy is pulling my pants
27:36I'm right between them
27:38right
27:38and all of a sudden
27:39he goes
27:39push
27:40push
27:40I'm like
27:43okay
27:44I'm pushing
27:44loud
27:46he goes
27:46push
27:47push
27:47I'm like
27:48I'm pushing
27:48go become aerodynamic
27:51I'm like
27:52okay
27:52I become aerodynamic
27:54push
27:55I'm like
27:55I'm pushing
27:55push
27:58pushing
27:58then he goes
28:00bend over
28:01excuse me
28:02don't worry
28:04I'm a professional
28:05I'm like
28:06okay
28:06aerodynamic
28:08I bend over
28:09he goes
28:09push
28:10I'm pushing
28:10now the whole plane
28:11goes push
28:12push
28:14it was like
28:15giving birth
28:16but the other way around
28:17I was trying to go
28:19inside the hole
28:20push
28:24push
28:24I went right
28:25between the crack
28:26it was amazing
28:27I was going inside
28:28push
28:28and then I got stuck
28:29everyone's like
28:31push
28:31push
28:32push
28:32I was turning red
28:34I'm pushing
28:35all of a sudden
28:36the guy goes
28:37wait
28:37I have Vaseline
28:39I go
28:44how do you have
28:45Vaseline
28:45he goes
28:46I work for Mercedes-Benz
28:47downtown
28:48he put on some Vaseline
29:02push
29:03everyone's pushing
29:04I'm pushing
29:05boom
29:05I fell inside
29:06oh my god
29:10I fell inside
29:12the hole
29:13I've never felt
29:15this comfortable
29:16in my life
29:17before
29:17the best feeling
29:20in the world
29:20this was the best
29:22hole I've ever
29:23experienced
29:24it was so
29:26gushy mushy
29:27honestly
29:29I've never felt
29:30this good before
29:30I'm inside
29:31I'm between
29:32these two guys
29:33in this little hole
29:34oh my god
29:35you know
29:36you gotta take
29:37those donut
29:38little pillows
29:38for the plane
29:39I needed nothing
29:40every crevice
29:43of my body
29:43was filled
29:44I'm sitting there
29:46like a baby
29:47I'm like
29:48oh my god
29:49I felt like
29:50I was between
29:51two tempurpedic
29:52pillows
29:53so good man
29:55plane takes off
29:57I fall asleep
29:58I never fall asleep
30:00on the plane
30:01I immediately
30:02fell asleep
30:03like a baby
30:04I sleep
30:08for four hours
30:09four hours
30:11later
30:11I wake up
30:13I open
30:14my left eye
30:15everything else
30:18was covered
30:19looking around
30:23I saw the flight
30:25attendant
30:26the flight attendant
30:26saw me
30:27she freaked out
30:27she's like
30:28oh my god
30:29she saw a hole
30:31and an eyeball
30:32just sticking out
30:33are you okay
30:37I blinked twice
30:39for yes
30:40she goes
30:45sir
30:45would you like
30:46something to drink
30:47I said
30:48no thank you
30:50I've already been
30:52breastfed
30:52now if this plane
31:00would have crashed
31:01I would have been
31:02the only survivor
31:03what just happened
31:06I like this audience
31:10this is a good show
31:11look at this two couple
31:13so stylish
31:15I just noticed
31:17I'm sorry
31:18I didn't recognize
31:19sooner
31:20my god
31:22you couldn't wait
31:23for me to pick on you
31:24look at your glasses
31:26half white
31:28half black
31:30your girlfriend
31:31bright pink
31:33my god
31:35oh married
31:36I'm sorry
31:37match made in heaven
31:40you saw each other
31:42oh my god
31:43oh my god
31:44what's your name buddy
31:46Hussain
31:47Hussain
31:48Hussain and
31:49Hediyat
31:49Hediyat
31:50and you guys
31:51you're into fashion
31:52you teach fashion
31:55no
31:56and this is the
31:58fucking result
31:59she ordered
32:10the most ridiculous
32:11glasses
32:12can I borrow
32:14those glasses
32:15please
32:15ladies and gentlemen
32:19I'm gonna teach you
32:20how to look more
32:21stylish
32:21honey I love you
32:30how do I look
32:31you look fly baby
32:34oh my god
32:35thank you very much
32:36give it up for Hussain
32:41everybody
32:42love you man
32:44as soon as the show's
32:47over
32:47throw them away
32:48what is that evil laugh
32:58she has the laugh
33:02of those airline
33:02counter ladies
33:03my family
33:17my entire family
33:19they're crazy
33:20so when I see crazy
33:22I connect
33:24yeah
33:24and I feel good
33:26now I'm telling you
33:27my whole family's crazy
33:28every family at least
33:29has one crazy person
33:31right
33:31at least one
33:32at least one
33:32you know what I'm talking about
33:33we all have that one crazy person
33:35in our family
33:36and when she calls
33:37when he calls
33:38we're all like
33:39oh shit
33:40the crazy person shows up
33:42to Thanksgiving
33:42oh shit
33:43if you're sitting here like
33:45oh my family is perfect
33:47if you think
33:48there's no crazy person
33:49in your family
33:50you're the one
33:52one of my uncles
33:56he is such an intense
33:58nerve-wracking
34:00stress freak
34:01yeah
34:01he tells me
34:03Max
34:03I want to fly with you
34:04from LA to DC
34:06I said sure
34:07okay
34:08I pick him up
34:09he gets into the car
34:11I've never seen him
34:12this nervous ever before
34:14he's shaking
34:15he's worried
34:15he's got anxiety
34:16I go uncle
34:18you okay
34:18he goes
34:19no no no
34:20yes yes yes
34:20no no
34:21yes no no
34:22not okay
34:22no yes no no
34:23no I'm not okay
34:24I go
34:25what's going on
34:26he goes
34:26we're going to the airport
34:28every time
34:29I go to the airport
34:31they randomly
34:32select me
34:33you get it
34:37I'm like yes
34:38he goes
34:38no you don't get it
34:39but it's so random
34:40if it's every time
34:41I am not terrorist
34:44I go
34:45I know you're not terrorist
34:46uncle relax
34:47he goes
34:47no
34:48they think I'm terrorist
34:49I've been shaving
34:50since 7 o'clock
34:51last night
34:52it's already
34:54growing back
34:55I think the metal detector
34:59detects how much
35:00body hair you have
35:01he has his own
35:03philosophies
35:04he's super nervous
35:06I go
35:07I'm relaxing
35:07no no no
35:08you don't understand
35:09I am very worried
35:10okay
35:11we get there
35:12they pick me
35:12in front of everybody
35:14they select me
35:15people my friends
35:16think I am terrorist
35:17I go okay
35:18just just calm down
35:19and then he starts
35:20talking to himself
35:21this is what older
35:22Iranian men do
35:23he sits there
35:24he starts literally
35:25just sitting right next
35:26to me in the car
35:26I go
35:39I go
35:43uncle you okay
35:44because they don't know
35:45who I am
35:46I go who are you
35:48I am a good name person
35:49I go okay relax
35:52I'd never seen him
35:54this nervous
35:54we get to the airport
35:56we're standing in line
35:57man he literally
36:00is shaking
36:01we're standing in security line
36:04he is so nervous
36:05he makes me nervous
36:08he made me so nervous
36:10now I'm shaking
36:11we're two Middle Easterns
36:14just shaking
36:15walking so
36:16suspiciously in the line
36:18dude
36:24we get to the front
36:25the officer
36:26he's just very chill
36:28and my uncle
36:29is so tense
36:29he goes
36:30sir can you step up
36:31everything he says
36:32my uncle repeats
36:33step up
36:34the guy goes
36:38yes sir
36:39can I have your ID
36:40he goes
36:40ID
36:41the officer takes the ID
36:45looks at the ID
36:46looks at my uncle
36:47and goes
36:48you've been selected
36:48for a random search sir
36:50my uncle gets so mad
36:55and when he gets angry
36:56you can't understand
36:56what he's saying
36:57the officer looks at me
37:03he goes
37:03sir I don't understand
37:04what he's saying
37:04are you together
37:05I said no
37:06I have no idea
37:06who he is
37:07you don't know
37:11I changed your diaper
37:12I changed your diaper
37:14I said sir
37:15I'm a grown ass man
37:16I don't wear a diaper
37:17they take him to the side
37:22oh oh oh
37:23oh oh
37:23oh oh
37:25oh oh
37:26oh oh
37:26they give him
37:28some Mercedes-Benz
37:29dealership
37:30oh oh oh
37:32oh oh
37:33oh oh
37:33I haven't spoken
37:37to the uncle
37:38in 10 years
37:38man
37:42after I saw
37:44that incident
37:44I thought to myself
37:45you know what
37:46never let anybody
37:48make you feel
37:48that uncomfortable
37:49yeah
37:50you make
37:51them uncomfortable
37:52yeah
37:55why would you let
37:57someone stress you
37:59out so much
37:59like that
38:00now every time
38:01I go to the airport
38:02I take a revenge
38:04on behalf of my uncle
38:06I go stand in the security line
38:10and pretend
38:10I can't wait
38:11to be selected
38:12I just stand there
38:14so happy
38:15hi I volunteer
38:17like sir get back
38:18and I'm like
38:18okay
38:19I go a little bit more
38:20hello
38:21I would love the body search
38:23and you get to the front
38:27and immediately
38:28they go
38:28sir you're selected
38:29for a random check
38:30I'm like
38:30yes
38:31yes
38:32and they take me
38:33to the side
38:34and they ask me
38:35they always ask you
38:36sir
38:36would you like
38:37a private screening
38:38or a public screening
38:39public
38:41can you spread your legs
38:45yes
38:47officer search me
38:53and as soon as
38:55they touch me
38:56I start mourning
38:57oh
38:58yes
39:01officer
39:03I'm hiding
39:06oh yes
39:07officer a little higher
39:10you can find my genetics
39:11yes
39:13they usually freak out
39:20they're like
39:20get the fuck out of here
39:21go back to Netherlands
39:23thank you
39:24but I'm just saying
39:29like in life
39:30you gotta just really
39:31entertain yourself
39:33isn't it
39:34like I'm telling you
39:34if you don't
39:35you get depressed
39:37yeah
39:38you got to
39:39you gotta try
39:40you gotta get out of the house
39:41you gotta do shit
39:43it takes effort
39:44otherwise
39:45you regret
39:46yeah
39:46you wanna do the shit
39:47you're scared of
39:48personally
39:49I wanna share with you
39:50one of the scariest
39:51most exciting
39:53experience in my life
39:54and to be honest with you
39:55I didn't really choose
39:56to face my fear
39:57in this case
39:58the fear
39:58faced me
39:59okay
40:00who here has done
40:01skydiving before
40:02yes
40:03oh wow
40:04where did you jump
40:05Afghanistan
40:07ah
40:08I see
40:09you were escaping
40:10Afghanistan
40:11that's completely
40:13different
40:13habibi
40:13we're talking about
40:15recreational stuff
40:16yeah
40:16not escaping Afghanistan
40:18were you the guy
40:18we're hanging on the plane
40:19good to see you man
40:21you made it
40:22white people laugh
40:23it's okay
40:24this is all okay
40:27it's ha ha
40:27crowd
40:28we're having fun
40:28he knows we're good
40:29okay
40:30so I'm in Dubai
40:33I'm doing a radio interview
40:34and on air
40:35the girl that was
40:36interviewing me
40:37she loved skydiving
40:38and she couldn't stop
40:39talking about it
40:40she goes oh my god
40:41it's the best thing
40:42in the world
40:43every time I jump
40:44out of the plane
40:45adrenaline hits my body
40:47comes out of my ears
40:48and my nipples get hard
40:49it's amazing
40:50and then she keeps telling me
40:52do you like it
40:52what would you do
40:53how would you jump
40:54and I was trying to be
40:55fun on the air
40:56I was like I don't know
40:57I'll backflip
40:58and belly dance
40:58all the way down
40:59and she's like
41:00oh my god
41:01that's so amazing
41:02so we were laughing
41:03having a good conversation
41:05the interview ends
41:06the manager
41:07of the radio station
41:08walks in
41:09and she goes
41:09oh my god Max
41:11I loved the interview
41:12this was so great
41:13we have a surprise for you
41:15I go huh
41:17he goes
41:19we called Dubai skydiving
41:20and we squeezed you in
41:23there were always books
41:25but they allowed us
41:26to take you right now
41:28I was like huh
41:29all of a sudden
41:31the whole station
41:32starts screaming
41:33celebrating
41:33yes yes
41:34the lady
41:35he's like
41:35ah
41:35I was like
41:37okay
41:38now I'm scared
41:39of heights
41:40I didn't know
41:42what to say
41:43I was like
41:43okay
41:44it was already
41:44a done deal
41:45we get in the car
41:46we go to the place
41:47now the whole time
41:48inside
41:48I'm freaked out
41:49we get there
41:51they gave me
41:52an Arab instructor
41:53I'm standing there
41:54the guy sits
41:56between my legs
41:56I put on the parachute
41:58and he's pulling
41:59the straps
42:00okay
42:01if you've never
42:02done this here
42:02I tell you exactly
42:03what goes through
42:04your mind
42:04I'm standing there
42:06and all I can think is
42:08what if this parachute
42:09doesn't open
42:10I couldn't stop
42:14thinking about this shit
42:15my brain
42:16was constantly
42:17just twirling
42:18the same thought
42:19over and over
42:20what if this doesn't open
42:21I fall out of the plane
42:22and I started seeing myself
42:24the parachute
42:25didn't open
42:26now I'm
42:27I'm seeing it happen
42:28in front of me
42:28as I'm standing there
42:29I fell out of the plane
42:31I exploded
42:34I exploded
42:37my legs
42:38went one way
42:39my arms
42:40and as I was watching
42:41I saw
42:43my dick
42:44flying in the air
42:47it's like
42:48what the fuck
42:49and I got concerned
42:52what's gonna happen
42:53to my dick
42:53I was watching
42:56all of a sudden
42:57an eagle flew by
42:59the eagle grabbed my dick
43:05and flew to the highest mountain
43:09and fed the baby eagles
43:12have you seen it on Discovery Channel
43:16how hungry these babies are
43:17it was the most delicious meat
43:22they've ever had
43:22in their life
43:23all of a sudden
43:27my instructor
43:28is pulling so hard
43:29on the strap
43:29I come back to reality
43:30and he goes
43:31it's tight
43:31it's very good
43:32very tight
43:32very good
43:32very tight
43:33very good
43:33very good
43:34very good
43:34very good
43:34very good
43:35very good
43:35very good
43:35very good
43:36I go
43:37what are you doing
43:37he goes
43:37it's very tight
43:38it's very good
43:38I go
43:38I know
43:39he was such a pervert
43:41my luck
43:43I got an Arab
43:44pervert instructor
43:45he's got the googly eyes
43:47it's very tight
43:48very good
43:48very tight
43:48very good
43:49very good
43:49very tight
43:50I go
43:50Habibi
43:51it's tight
43:51it's very good
43:51let it go
43:52he goes
43:55okay
43:55follow me
43:56I follow the guy
43:57we go into the small plane
43:58we sit on the plane
43:59now it's a small plane
44:01all these people
44:02are so excited
44:03plane takes off
44:04the higher the plane goes
44:05more excited
44:07my instructor gets
44:08all of a sudden
44:13we get to the right altitude
44:14the pilot guy
44:14gets on the
44:15walkie thing
44:16and he speaks in Arabic
44:17we're in UAE
44:19and he goes
44:19my Arabic is fantastic
44:34I explained to you
44:36what he said
44:36he said
44:37now we have arrived
44:38to the right altitude
44:39if you make it down there
44:41there's going to be
44:42free hummus
44:43and shawarma
44:43they all of a sudden
44:46open the door
44:47of the plane
44:47air hits in
44:50what a weird feeling
44:51air comes in
44:53that air comes in
44:56dude
44:56it's the scariest
44:57thing you can experience
44:59people jump out
45:00of the plane
45:01and they disappear
45:02like it's weird
45:04they jump
45:05I go
45:05what?
45:11all of a sudden
45:12my instructor goes
45:13Habibi
45:13Habibi
45:14Habibi
45:15I go what?
45:16he goes sit on my lap
45:17now I didn't know
45:21about this part
45:21I thought this guy
45:23is a pervert
45:24he's trying to get me
45:26like jump on his lap
45:27you know
45:28because I'm nervous
45:29all of a sudden
45:30I don't know
45:30what's happening
45:31you know
45:31I was like
45:32hell no
45:33he's like
45:34Habibi
45:35yallah
45:35Habibi
45:35yallah
45:36I said
45:37no sir
45:37I'm not going to
45:38sit on your lap
45:38all of a sudden
45:40this guy grabbed me
45:41lifts me
45:42and puts me
45:43on his lap
45:44dude
45:46I'm a grown ass man
45:47sitting on another man's lap
45:50he has a hook on his jacket
45:52and he hooked it
45:53on the back of mine
45:53so I'm stuck to him
45:55like this
45:56his mustache
45:59is tickling my neck
46:00I stop breathing
46:04I don't want to make
46:07one inch of move
46:08just in case
46:09this guy gets excited
46:10and I experience
46:13some Arabic surprise
46:16all of a sudden
46:19he goes
46:19Habibi
46:20let's go
46:20I get up
46:20I'm like
46:21okay okay okay
46:21the door of the plane
46:23is open
46:24oh my god
46:25this is the scariest time
46:27you're standing there
46:29at the door of the plane
46:32and the guy goes
46:33jump
46:34I look down
46:36shit
46:38I saw the whole galaxy
46:41Mars
46:44Pluto
46:45Earth
46:47they were all
46:47like walking
46:48twirling around
46:49each other
46:49having a great time
46:50this guy
46:52like jumped
46:53in that moment
46:55I was like
46:55what am I doing
46:56if 1%
46:58this parachute
46:59doesn't open
47:00I'm gonna die
47:03are you crazy
47:05Max you have
47:06a good life
47:07don't do this
47:09in that moment
47:10I decided
47:11I'm not gonna jump
47:12now the instructor
47:13keeps yelling
47:14jump
47:15go
47:15jump
47:16I said no
47:17he goes
47:19Habibi
47:19go
47:20I said Habibi
47:22no
47:22he goes
47:25Habibi
47:25yalla
47:25I said Habibi
47:26no
47:27he goes
47:28go
47:29I said sir
47:29no means
47:30no
47:30he goes
47:32let's go
47:34I fell out
47:40of the plane
47:40holding my
47:41asshole
47:41dude is screaming
47:48open your legs
47:49open your legs
47:50you have to come
47:51down like this
47:52I was like
47:52hell no
47:53he goes
47:55Habibi
47:55open your legs
47:56I got no way
47:58he goes
48:00Habibi
48:00we're gonna die
48:01I said
48:02I will die
48:02a virgin
48:03asshole
48:04he's like
48:07Habibi
48:07dude he was
48:09freaking out
48:09everybody else
48:10were like this
48:11coming down
48:11slow
48:12him and I
48:13were coming
48:13down so
48:14fast
48:15we're like
48:16we're coming
48:18down
48:19dude
48:21we hit the
48:22ground
48:23we hit the
48:24ground
48:24so hard
48:25and he's
48:26my instructor
48:27he's underneath
48:28he hits the
48:29ground first
48:29boom
48:30he hits
48:31his dick
48:32breaks
48:33his
48:36Arabic
48:36dick
48:37flies
48:37in the air
48:38I was like
48:38oh my god
48:39it happened
48:39his Arabic
48:41dick
48:42was going
48:42in the air
48:43out of nowhere
48:45an eagle
48:46flew by
48:46grabs the
48:49Arabic
48:50dick
48:50but the eagle
48:52was struggling
48:52with the dick
48:53it was too
48:55heavy
48:55second eagle
48:59flew by
48:59two eagles
49:02took the
49:03Arabic
49:03dick
49:03flew to the
49:06highest mountain
49:07and fed
49:08all the eagle
49:10babies in the
49:10world
49:11they asked me
49:14sir how was
49:15your experience
49:16I said what part
49:18the jump
49:18or the penetration
49:19thank you very
49:23much
49:23I love you
49:27thank you
49:28very much
49:29thank you
49:37thank you
49:39for setting
49:39thank you
49:40sir
49:42what
49:52is
Be the first to comment