00:00Really, I'm so glad you guys came. What's your name?
00:02James.
00:03James? Very Chinese.
00:06What about you, honey?
00:07Sonia.
00:08Sonia? You guys have the easiest Chinese names I've ever heard in my life.
00:13James and Sonia.
00:14Is not your real name? What is your real name?
00:17Muqiao.
00:18Muqiao. I like Muqiao.
00:21Muqiao sounds very cool, man. And it's easy.
00:25And James, what's your real name?
00:26Hao.
00:27Hao?
00:28Yeah.
00:28F***ing easy.
00:31But very confusing, right?
00:33Hi, I'm Max.
00:34Hao.
00:39Hao? My name is Max?
00:41Well, my parents named me Max.
00:43Hao.
00:44Hao.
00:47That's why he's James and James. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:49I love that. I love your name. Hao.
00:52Sir, you got the job. Hao.
00:56Are you not sure that you're good at this job?
00:59Hao.
00:59Hao.
01:01I love you, too. I'm so happy you're here, yeah?
01:04And I love you more, honey. I'm very happy that I have more and more Chinese fans, you know?
01:09It's great. I love the Chinese culture.
01:11Yeah? Hao.
01:13I explain.
01:14I love fortune cookies.
01:17And I crack it, just the sound, and you just pull that thing out, and it says something so positive,
01:23so beautiful.
01:24Your dick will grow longer.
01:33How long have you been living in Austin?
01:35How long have you been living in Austin?
01:36Uh, 26 years.
01:3726 years? You're kidding me. How?
01:43No, no, no. I'm not saying how. I'm saying 26 years. How?
01:47Wow. How?
01:49That's wonderful.
01:50And what do you do here now?
01:51I'm not a physician.
01:52You're a physician.
01:58Chinese don't age. He looks 22 years old.
02:02Wow. Okay, good for you. What kind of physician?
02:05Your doctor.
02:05Family doctor. Smart business, right?
02:08You meet a family, you go, I kill all of you.
02:12How?
02:15Let's go. I show you.
02:20Christina, thanks for coming, my darling. And who are you with?
02:23My boyfriend, Tom.
02:25Josh? Josh, what do you do?
02:27A lawyer.
02:28You're a lawyer? Oh, fantastic. What kind of lawyer?
02:31Divorce.
02:32Divorce lawyer.
02:37Cristina, did he make you sign a prenup?
02:40I didn't want to sign a horse later.
02:48Cristina, you know how to save money.
02:53I cannot afford him, but I can f*** him.
03:00Good job, Cristina.
03:04White girl's power.
03:05I love her.
03:07You've never been married, right?
03:09Oh, no, I have.
03:10You have?
03:11Is that when you decided to become a divorce attorney?
03:15I'm going to learn how to do this s*** myself.
03:18Okay, so you divorced.
03:20Now you're dating Cristina.
03:22And how long has it been?
03:23About two years.
03:24So are you going to make her to sign a prenup?
03:27Yeah, I started writing it.
03:28Oh, you started writing it already.
03:32Cristina, did you know about this?
03:33I'm sorry.
03:34I'm not signing it.
03:35I'm not signing it.
03:35You're not signing it?
03:41Sweetheart, I did not mean to ruin your two-year relationship tonight.
03:46But it's going to be an awkward drive home.
03:50Are you sure you're not going to sign it?
03:53I told you, b***h, I'm not signing s***.
03:56I thought you really loved me.
03:59But I'm a divorce attorney.
04:01I need to protect myself.
04:04Through your divorce, did you hire another attorney?
04:07No.
04:08You represented yourself?
04:10Yes.
04:10Oh, that's so good.
04:11You saved a lot of money.
04:13So you guys had a nice, amicable sort of...
04:16It was like you already had set this s*** up so good.
04:19She had already signed that prenup that you're preparing for her.
04:23You see what's coming for you, Cristina?
04:30Honduras!
04:32I'm so happy you came, man.
04:35Really, because the Mexicans, they don't give you guys any attention.
04:39They take all the credit, the Mexicans.
04:42Yeah, Honduras, I'm glad we like guacamole too.
04:45You came by yourself?
04:47Yes, sir.
04:47Oh, what a nice guy.
04:48You came by yourself.
04:49You're single?
04:50Yes.
04:50What do you do here?
04:51I'm a truck driver.
04:53Really?
04:53What kind of truck?
04:54It's a dump truck, so I have my own business.
04:57Oh, this guy is the real f***ing man.
05:00You see that?
05:01He's like, I got my own truck.
05:03I don't need other people's truck.
05:05I f***ing dump the truck, get another truck, dump another truck.
05:10I like that, man.
05:11What's your name?
05:12Jorge.
05:13Jorge.
05:13Jorge.
05:14Jorge.
05:14How come you're single?
05:17Every Jorge I know, they got seven kids.
05:20You're the first Jorge with no kids.
05:23Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
05:25Do you have kids?
05:27Yeah, he doesn't.
05:31Okay, okay, Jorge.
05:38Who comes from a divorced family?
05:39Crap, let me see who comes from a divorced family.
05:41Okay, okay, okay, cool.
05:43How old were you?
05:43Twelve.
05:44Twelve.
05:45Oh, you were my age.
05:46Were you sad or happy?
05:47Sad?
05:48You were sad.
05:49Whose fault was it?
05:50Mom or dad?
05:51Both.
05:51Both?
05:52Oh, you're such a good kid.
05:54Both?
05:55Really?
05:55Why?
05:56It's always both.
05:57It's always both.
05:58It's always both.
05:59How?
05:59I'm not talking to you.
06:02I don't want to disturb your peace.
06:05Sorry.
06:07When it's about you, I go, how?
06:10How?
06:12How?
06:13How?
06:13How's it always both people's fault?
06:15Nobody cheated?
06:17Your father cheated?
06:19Oh, and it wasn't his fault?
06:25You're probably the most understanding woman I've ever seen in my life.
06:29Of course it's both of the problems.
06:31He cheated because the f***ing mom was being...
06:34Please explain.
06:40Look how happy the husband is.
06:42Let me film, let me film this.
06:44This is magnificent.
06:45This is great material.
06:48But how was it with your mom's fault?
06:50I mean, I wasn't in the game.
06:52She didn't shave?
06:55I'm trying to understand.
06:57What did she do?
06:59Was she hairy?
07:04She didn't take a shower?
07:09No f***ing way.
07:13I swear to my life.
07:16She said this is one of the reasons she said she didn't shave.
07:24This show is sponsored by Laser Hair Removal.
07:32Save your marriage.
07:35Won't plug out his eyes.
07:37Wow.
07:40Oh my God, you hairy bitches.
07:45And then they blame the men for cheating.
07:49It's not our fault.
07:50It's Amazon jungle.
08:03I'm going to strip club.
08:08These are facts.
08:10I'm not a comedian.
08:10I'm a doctor.
08:12I'm a doctor.
08:13Family medicine.
08:18How?
08:21By going to school.
08:26Who's single?
08:27Clap.
08:27Let me see for my single people.
08:28Clap, clap, clap.
08:29Single, single, single.
08:30This guy I like.
08:31Of all the single people, clap.
08:33I like this guy with the arms crossed.
08:35Yeah.
08:36What's your name, buddy?
08:38Havid.
08:38From Algeria.
08:41Wow.
08:41This guy intelligent.
08:42Algeria.
08:43You know, they speak so many languages, these Algerians.
08:46Please give us.
08:46How many languages do you speak?
08:48Four languages.
08:50English, Arabic, French.
08:53Burber.
08:57Burber.
08:58This guy thinks I'm stupid.
09:02English.
09:09What else do you speak?
09:11Khul khul.
09:13Khul khul.
09:15Marmar.
09:16This is good.
09:16This is good.
09:17Wonderful.
09:17And what do you do in Austin?
09:21Oh, I'm a full-time Burber translator.
09:26I translate Burber every day.
09:29For the White House, they go Burber, Bur.
09:32I go, I know what they mean.
09:35I translate.
09:38Havid, you got the focus right now.
09:40Yeah.
09:42What do you do for a living?
09:43Uh, Burber, Burber, Burber, Burber.
09:53This is why you're single.
09:54You cannot communicate.
09:57Here goes on a date.
09:59What do you do?
10:00Uh, Burber, Burber, Burber.
10:04Burber, Burber.
10:05Burber, Burber.
10:07What do you do?
10:13He gave up?
10:17You give up?
10:19You gotta go home?
10:20F***ing master back.
10:25Is that what you like?
10:27Lonely by yourself?
10:28Burber, Burber, Burber, Burber, Burber.
10:30Burber, Burber, Burber, Burber.
10:34You gotta communicate so you don't Burber.
10:40You have a problem?
10:43I'm gonna refer you to a family doctor.
10:58What's wrong with you?
11:01Oh, Burber, Burber, Burber.
11:05Oh, my God.
11:06I'm gonna find you a hot, beautiful woman in Austin.
11:08Listen, I can, I can, listen, when I do this, magical things happen.
11:14I've found people and I've connected people at my shows and they have become the most magical connections.
11:21People have gotten married, the happiest people ever.
11:24I'm telling you, maximum relationships out of my shows, okay?
11:27What's that?
11:29What?
11:30No, say it again.
11:32See, you interrupt the show and you speak f***ing Pakistani.
11:35I don't speak Pakistani.
11:41Look at the Filipino guy.
11:42He's like, I don't know.
11:46You don't know him?
11:47No, if you remember, but she's on the other side.
11:49Oh, yeah, but he seems like he's gonna pay for your drinks.
11:53Oh, that's not nice.
11:54You never do that.
11:56See, that's double standard.
11:58Girls, girls can like publicly reject a man and it's okay.
12:02I'm in a situation different.
12:11But men, we cannot reject you.
12:15You take your shirt off, f***ing nipple hair.
12:21We have to go, oh, it's fantastic.
12:25Oh, what a beautiful, God-given nipple.
12:28Oh, this nipple comes with flossing.
12:39You're still talking?
12:45What a tenacity.
12:48With hairy nipples still persuading.
12:52No, my nipple's not so hurting.
12:54I swear to God, I put a hand on my nipples.
13:00My matchmaking skills died in Austin
13:04by some of the most intelligent human beings.
13:08The Pakistan and Algeria destroyed.
13:16Who?
13:17Where?
13:19Oh, down here?
13:20Your sound is f***ing coming from North.
13:22Like, where are you?
13:24That guy right there?
13:25Oh, okay, you seem like a good-looking, nice guy.
13:28Yeah, what's your name?
13:29Meen.
13:30Meen from?
13:30Uh, Atlanta.
13:40Number one characteristic in every relationship is honesty.
13:46What's your name?
13:47Anil.
13:48From where?
13:49Atlanta.
13:51Georgia, Atlanta, baby.
13:52I'm from the south.
13:55Yeah.
13:57Pakistan.
13:58You Pakistanis don't have a good reputation tonight.
14:03This one is still talking.
14:05This guy.
14:08Georgian, Pakistan.
14:10All right, how long have you been single?
14:13A while.
14:14A while.
14:15You need to give me numbers, buddy.
14:17Nothing is more sexier than the opposite sex,
14:20whether you're a girl or a guy.
14:21When you're very, very honest and open,
14:26just be open and honest.
14:27And women, open, open.
14:29Yes?
14:31Open.
14:32The more open you are,
14:34the more we receive you well.
14:36Yes?
14:39Honest.
14:39I mean, how long have you been single?
14:41A year, two years, what is it?
14:43Five years.
14:44Five years.
14:45Okay, that's okay.
14:46Five years, you haven't been able to find someone
14:48that you're going to settle down with.
14:50It's wonderful.
14:50And what do you do?
14:50No, I'm building a business.
14:52It's all karaoke to go.
14:54For reals?
14:55It's all karaoke to go.
14:57Karaoke to go?
14:59It's the most brilliant topic I've ever heard in my life.
15:02Just grab your karaoke and sing it in the car.
15:08How's it to go?
15:09I'll bring the people to their homes,
15:11to their events, to their birthdays.
15:13You should change the name to karaoke delivery.
15:17That's good.
15:17I'm just, I'm a comedian.
15:18I make fun of shit.
15:19I can feel, I can feel,
15:20I mean, it's like,
15:21mother fucker.
15:23I don't fucking destroy you.
15:25I, I, I volunteered, mother fucker.
15:28You shit on my relationship
15:31and then my fucking honesty
15:32and then you say my business.
15:34Shit, fuck you.
15:36She writes the worst Yelp review.
15:38Fuck, fuck you.
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