- 2 months ago
Max Amini FULL COMEDY SPECIAL 2025 Randomly Selected Stand Up Comedy,Max Amini FULL COMEDY SPECIAL 2025 Randomly Selected Stand Up Comedy,Max Amini FULL COMEDY SPECIAL 2025 Randomly Selected Stand Up Comedy
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00:00The one, the only, Max Ali!
00:30Toronto! Make some noise!
00:47Thank you very much!
00:50Wow, wow, what an energy!
00:53Wow!
00:58Oh my God, where are my Persians at?
01:07Where are my non-Persians at?
01:15Man, Toronto's representing, huh?
01:18This is a great mixed audience, I love it!
01:22Who's here?
01:24Huh?
01:26What'd you say?
01:28Persian again!
01:29Persian again?
01:33Don't embarrass us in front of everybody!
01:36Again, Persians, again!
01:39I wanna scream louder!
01:42I'm sorry, give me another chance, I can do better!
01:45Yes, yes, fantastic, this guy, pink tie!
01:55You came from work?
01:58You work for breast cancer awareness or something?
02:04What's up with the pink tie?
02:06I'm curious, where do you work for?
02:13Where do you work?
02:14Mercedes-Benz downtown.
02:15Mercedes-Benz?
02:16So Persian, this guy.
02:21I work at the Mercedes-Benz downtown, and I wore this so you pick on me so I can advertise.
02:27Good luck, man.
02:28You're gonna hold your camera all night?
02:29If you keep holding it, the security guard is gonna come here and shove it up your ass.
02:40But judging from your pink tie, you're gonna like it.
02:42Guess who likes it more?
02:55They liked it even more.
02:56They're like, yeah!
02:58Toronto is wild, man!
03:01Toronto is wild, baby!
03:04My God!
03:05Where are my Arabs in the house?
03:07Where?
03:11Where?
03:12Sri Lankian?
03:13Sri Lankian?
03:14Sri Lankian?
03:15Since when Sri Lankians turned Arab?
03:20Europeans in the house.
03:21Make some noise, Europeans.
03:23Nice, nice, nice.
03:25What country?
03:26Netherlands?
03:27Nice.
03:28And you're here on vacation?
03:30Just came from you.
03:31Just came from me?
03:32From the Netherlands.
03:34Are you fucking with me?
03:39Buddy, I owe you some gas money.
03:46What are you saying?
03:47I pay for the hotel.
03:49Come stay at my place.
03:51What do you do in Netherlands?
03:54You're a genetic scientist?
03:57Holy shit.
03:59That's pretty fucking respectful, man.
04:02So you genetically can scientifically decide what the fuck's happening.
04:07Yeah?
04:08I gotta tell you.
04:11I sincerely love what I do.
04:15And the most special part of my show is when I get to connect with you guys.
04:21Get to know you guys.
04:22I love it, man.
04:23It's the best moment of my life.
04:25I mean it.
04:29I truly wish for everyone here, yeah, to do something that they love.
04:35I hope you guys love your jobs.
04:37But if you don't love your job, it's still okay.
04:40Yeah?
04:41Find something on the side that you love.
04:43Right?
04:44Have a passion in life.
04:46You gotta do something every day that makes you happy.
04:50Even if your job is some shitty Mercedes-Benz sales shit.
04:55They make you wear a pink embarrassing tie.
04:59Comedy is my passion and I love it.
05:01I've loved it my entire life.
05:03And people think it's easy to be a comedian.
05:05It's just not easy.
05:06People think I just go on stage.
05:09No.
05:10Like there's many different things about my job.
05:13It's very difficult.
05:14Like traveling is one of them.
05:15Traveling is very, very brutal.
05:18Going to city to city to city.
05:21Yeah?
05:22Going to the airport.
05:23Dealing with the staff.
05:24Dragging your luggage.
05:26It's really, traveling is so difficult.
05:28The other day, I go to the airport.
05:30I'm gate 18.
05:31I get there, they have changed the gate.
05:33Where's the new gate?
05:34218.
05:36I asked the lady, where is it?
05:37She goes, five days walk this way, sir.
05:41Now I'm running like a crazy person in the airport.
05:44You know how embarrassing it is as an adult to run in the airport?
05:47It's the worst feeling when you know your gate is 20 minutes away, but you got five minutes
05:54to get there.
05:56That stress, the anxiety that kicks in.
06:00If anybody knows the feeling, you run so fast.
06:03You run faster than you ever run in your life.
06:06You know what I'm talking about?
06:08Like, I've seen the most unathletic people in the airport run like no one's business.
06:15It's the only time you run for your life, man.
06:19When you know you're about to miss the goddamn flight.
06:22You've seen these people at the airport?
06:24They're fucking running.
06:25I saw a 90-year-old with a walker.
06:32He was just like...
06:35At some point, he took it behind his back.
06:37He was like...
06:39You gotta get to that plane, baby.
06:45The other day, I was so late.
06:48I'm running.
06:49And when I say running, I was running so fast.
06:52I run fast.
06:53I was running like a freaking machine, man.
06:55I was running so fast.
06:56All of a sudden, I notice somebody else is running right next to me.
07:01I start running even faster.
07:03I was going so fast.
07:05This guy catches up with me.
07:07I look at him.
07:09He goes, Max Avini?
07:16I was like, yes.
07:18He goes, I love you.
07:21I said, I love you too, man.
07:24And we're running.
07:25He goes, can I take a picture?
07:28I go, buddy, I'm late.
07:30He goes, it's okay.
07:31I am late too.
07:37He took a picture.
07:38I look like this.
07:44I was in the bathroom, okay?
07:46I was standing at a stall.
07:49This dude walks into the bathroom,
07:53he comes right next to me.
08:02Max Avini?
08:08I go, yes.
08:09I love you.
08:12As a straight man, you should never be holding your dick,
08:14telling another man I love you.
08:15Can I take a picture?
08:21We're in the bathroom.
08:23I said, no, man.
08:24It's inappropriate.
08:25No, no, no.
08:26It's okay.
08:27It's going to be funny.
08:28It's very funny.
08:29I said, no, no, no.
08:30It's okay.
08:31It's going to be funny.
08:32It's very funny.
08:34I said, no, man.
08:35It's not right.
08:36He goes, no, no.
08:37It's okay.
08:38Please.
08:39You're the comedian.
08:40You tell me how to make it funny.
08:42I said, you want it hilarious?
08:44He goes, yes, yes.
08:45Hilarious.
08:46I said, okay.
08:47Let me piss on you.
08:48You take a picture.
08:49I love you.
08:50You want me to take a piss on you, too?
08:51I've been a fan since the 90s.
08:54Oh, yeah?
08:55This lady's been my fan since the 90s.
08:57Yes, yes.
08:58Yes.
08:59Yes.
09:00Yes.
09:01Yes.
09:02Yes.
09:03Yes.
09:04Yes.
09:05Yes.
09:06Yes.
09:07Yes.
09:08Yes.
09:09Yes.
09:10Yes.
09:11Yes.
09:12Yes.
09:13Yes.
09:14Yes.
09:15Yes.
09:16Yes.
09:17Yes.
09:18Yes.
09:19I was not a comedian in the 90s.
09:21Yes.
09:22No, I wasn't.
09:24You have a picture?
09:27Of me in the 90s?
09:29Can you check the genetics on row 19?
09:34CJ 35.
09:37I think dementia is hitting, yeah?
09:40Tell her how old I am.
09:44Aren't you the PhD scientist of the discovery of the genetics?
09:49Ask the doctor in the front.
09:51What?
09:52You need to finger me to find out?
09:55This guy, what kind of fucking doctor are you?
10:00This is not a car mechanic shop for you to oil change.
10:05You're really my fan, huh?
10:08Yes.
10:09Oh, she's a sweetheart.
10:11I love you.
10:12Give her a round of applause.
10:16I'm going to tell you something tonight.
10:18You hear it from me.
10:19Age is just a bullshit ass number.
10:22You got to feel good.
10:24You got to take care of yourself.
10:26You got to live good.
10:28You could be the oldest 30-year-old or the youngest 70-year-old.
10:32Yeah?
10:33Live it like strong, man.
10:36Every day counts.
10:37Laugh every single day.
10:41Every single day.
10:43The other day I missed my flight.
10:50Yeah?
10:51And I thought about this topic.
10:54I thought I need to share this with my audience.
10:57Yeah?
10:58So you guys never fall into this trap.
11:01Okay?
11:02I missed my flight.
11:04And I'm letting you know.
11:06When the door of the plane is closed.
11:10Okay?
11:11By aviation rules, they can't open it again.
11:14So don't beg those counter people to open the door.
11:19I want my fans to keep their pride and go home.
11:23Yeah?
11:24Don't beg these people.
11:26These counter people at the airport are some of the meanest, most evil, twisted, sick, psycho,
11:37zombies of all time.
11:39They're just standing there like .
11:43You know how sick you got to be to take that job.
11:46Just be so happy that vulnerable people, they miss their flight.
11:50They just stand there so excited to tell them the door is closed.
11:55They love doing this shit.
11:59They love it.
12:01Don't beg them.
12:02Never give them the pleasure.
12:04Keep your pride and walk away.
12:08The other day, I miss a flight.
12:10Okay?
12:11And I told myself, I'm not even going to look at this agent.
12:15All right?
12:16So I get there.
12:17I walk.
12:18I see her.
12:19Now she's bottled up.
12:20She couldn't wait.
12:21She was so excited for this one person.
12:24That missing the flight to arrive and destroy that person.
12:28She was just like .
12:32Standing there.
12:33I don't even give her eye contact.
12:35I just walk by her.
12:36I looked.
12:37I wanted to see if the door of the plane is closed or not.
12:41I looked.
12:42The door is closed.
12:43I'm about to leave.
12:44I can feel her energy.
12:45She's staring into my soul.
12:48And I'm looking at the door and I said, let me mess with her a little bit.
12:55Yeah?
12:56Let me give her a taste of her own medicine.
12:57I look at the door and I smile so big as if I'm so happy the door is closed.
13:01I went, ha, ha, ha.
13:06And she got a little pissed because her wires crossed .
13:11Her brain's like, why is this guy happy that the door is closed?
13:14I smile big and I walk away.
13:17I'm leaving.
13:18And as I'm leaving, she can't help it.
13:21She screams.
13:23The door is closed.
13:26I looked at her.
13:29I said, who gives a shit?
13:31And I walked away.
13:33Oh, my God.
13:36I said that?
13:37She died inside.
13:40She has never in her entire career experienced somebody who doesn't care about missing their flight.
13:46I walked away.
13:48She couldn't help it.
13:49She screams in the airport.
13:52Why?
13:54Why?
13:56Why don't you give a shit?
14:00She said?
14:01She had a meltdown.
14:02I came back and I thought to myself, I'm going to teach you a big lesson.
14:06I came back and I said, ma'am, because I am Iranian.
14:11And she was confused.
14:15I said, we believe when we miss a flight, it wasn't meant to be.
14:24That means God has a plan for this plane,
14:30and he doesn't want me to be a part of that plan.
14:35From the bottom of my heart, good luck.
14:39I walk away.
14:41She pissed herself.
14:44She messages the pilot immediately.
14:46Oh, my God, a suspicious Iranian man
14:49came to the counter and said, God has a plan for this plane,
14:54and good luck.
14:56The pilot shot himself.
14:59He calls the police, air marshal, TSA, security,
15:04everybody come.
15:05They cancel the flight.
15:12I took the next flight.
15:14I arrived before anybody else.
15:19I saw an Iranian couple miss their flight once,
15:26and this is how I decided I got to talk about this.
15:31I missed a flight one day.
15:32As I'm leaving the counter,
15:34I saw an Iranian couple running to this counter, yeah?
15:37And as they were running, I was like,
15:40oh, my God, I got to watch this.
15:43This is gold.
15:44So like a little creep, I stood in the corner
15:48just to see what's going to happen.
15:52The couple, they start running.
15:56The husband gets to the counter.
15:58He goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:04See, Iranians, we make certain sounds,
16:07only we understand what it means.
16:09It has a distinct meaning, yeah?
16:14There's sounds, no words needed,
16:16but we know what it means.
16:17Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:20It means something bad happened.
16:23It means something horrible happened, okay?
16:27Do you want to learn how to do it?
16:28If you want to do it properly,
16:30you have to think and picture an owl
16:33being fingered.
16:35What does an owl sound like?
16:46Oh, oh, oh.
16:49But when you fingered the owl,
16:52oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:59The pink-dye guy loved it.
17:05The husband goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
17:14The wife goes, what happened?
17:17He goes, we missed the felites.
17:22She goes, what are we going to do now?
17:25He goes, huri.
17:27Her name was huri.
17:28Huri.
17:28Huri, please do something.
17:34Iranian men, they know they cannot do shit themselves anyways.
17:43If anybody can do anything, it's the women.
17:51That's right.
17:53Huri, confident Iranian woman,
17:56looks at her husband, she goes,
17:57don't worry about it, I got you.
18:02She walks up to the counter
18:04with so much confidence.
18:06Excuse me?
18:09We have arrived.
18:11Open the door.
18:17We have arrived.
18:18Open the door.
18:19We have arrived.
18:20We have arrived.
18:21The lady goes, the door is closed.
18:26Huri goes, okay, okay, okay.
18:28Okay, okay, okay, okay.
18:30Here comes Persian negotiations at its best.
18:34Okay, okay.
18:35Open the door a little bit.
18:37We go inside.
18:43Open the door a little bit.
18:45We go inside.
18:46Now the white lady's going to be like,
18:48oh my God, I didn't think a little bit.
18:50It's not a problem.
18:51Oh my God, I thought you wanted all the way open.
18:55The lady goes, the door is closed.
19:00Dude, Huri realizes it's a bad situation.
19:05She goes, Persian drama immediately.
19:10Please.
19:13Please.
19:14Open the door.
19:18Please.
19:20Open the door.
19:22Please.
19:23The husband goes,
19:24Rudy, it's not working.
19:30Rudy goes,
19:31Billy!
19:34We're at LAX airport in Los Angeles.
19:40This lady goes bananas.
19:41Please.
19:42Please.
19:43Please.
19:43Please.
19:43Open the door.
19:46Open the door.
19:48I have surgery.
19:52Please.
19:53Open the door.
19:55I have surgery.
19:58The husband goes,
19:59Rudy, say it's your birthday.
20:04He's not even listening.
20:07Please.
20:08Please.
20:09I have surgery.
20:10Please.
20:10I have surgery on my birthday.
20:15Open the door.
20:17Please.
20:19Dude, people are going, what the hell?
20:21All of a sudden, Huri realizes, it's not working.
20:26She changes tactic.
20:28Excuse me?
20:30Are you married?
20:34Most thing you can do.
20:37The lady, she's an evil bitch.
20:39Nobody marries her.
20:40She goes, no, I'm single.
20:43She goes, I pray for you.
20:46I will pray for you.
20:48I will pray for you.
20:51As if she's Jesus Christ.
20:54I pray beautiful man come into your life.
20:56I will pray.
20:58As she's praying, the plane takes off.
21:06Huri and the husband realize, game over.
21:08Huri snaps.
21:12I pray.
21:13Motherfucker!
21:16Motherfucker!
21:18Fuck you!
21:19Fuck you!
21:22Fuck you!
21:25The husband goes, Huri, relax.
21:28She turns to the husband, fuck you too!
21:32Fuck you!
21:32The husband goes, you haven't fucked me for 40 years.
21:44You never fucked me.
21:47Please, fuck me!
21:52You go to standby.
21:56You guys know what happens at standby?
21:58Yeah?
21:59When you miss your flight, you go to the next flight that's going to the same destination,
22:04yeah?
22:04But you have to wait for them to get all the passengers on the plane first once everybody's
22:10on board.
22:11If there's any room on the plane, they call your name.
22:15Huri.
22:15Huri, every 10 minutes, goes to the counter.
22:20Excuse me?
22:21Did you call Huri?
22:24They're like, ma'am, please wait, okay?
22:27You have to wait till the entrance.
22:29Okay, okay, okay.
22:31Huri comes back, and the husband, they make a picnic.
22:33She pulls out 50 napkins she stole from McDonald's.
22:40She opens it up.
22:42Pistachio, cashew, sunflower seeds, cucumber, tomatoes, eggplant.
22:49She starts making sandwiches.
22:52Every five minutes, Huri will go to the counter.
22:56Excuse me, did you call Huri?
22:58They're like, ma'am, please go sit down.
23:03At the very end, we'll call you.
23:04Okay, okay, okay.
23:06Five minutes later, she would take some pistachios.
23:09Excuse me, do you like pistachio?
23:11Did you call Huri?
23:14Huri, please have a seat.
23:16Okay, okay, okay.
23:1710 times, she goes, did you call Huri?
23:21Finally, at the very end, there's only one seat available.
23:28They call my name.
23:35Huri gets electrocuted.
23:40I grab my bag, I'm going to the plane.
23:42Huri steps up.
23:43Excuse me, Max Amimi?
23:46I turn around.
23:48Hi, Huri.
23:51Oh, how do you know my name?
23:53I said, to be honest with you, the whole airport knows your name.
24:00Really?
24:01I said, yes.
24:04Huri goes, you know, you're an honorable Iranian artist, and I am an older Iranian woman.
24:11How could you walk in front of me and not offer me your seat?
24:17Immediately, I pulled out my boarding pass, and I gave it to her.
24:19I said, go ahead, Huri.
24:21You can have a seat.
24:23Huri couldn't believe it.
24:24She's like, oh my God.
24:27I can't believe you gave it to me.
24:29Huri, I said, of course, Huri.
24:32Why would I not give it to you?
24:34You have surgery.
24:38On your birthday.
24:42She goes, oh, I was lying.
24:48I said, it's okay, go ahead.
24:50She goes, no, I cannot go.
24:52We need two seats.
24:54Me and my husband.
24:55Here, you go.
24:57She gives me the boarding pass, and I go, Huri, what are you doing?
25:02You knew there's only one seat.
25:04She goes, I know.
25:06I just wanted to come up and talk to you because I'm a big fan.
25:11I remember you from the 90s.
25:14I said, Huri, I wasn't a comedian in the 90s.
25:27She goes, yes, you were a comedian.
25:30I have a picture with you.
25:36She goes, can I ask you a favor?
25:38I said, what is it?
25:39She goes, can you come in the bathroom and take a picture with me?
25:41I wanted to be very funny.
25:48My God.
25:49I took the boarding pass.
25:51I walked on the plane.
25:53And I was really happy.
25:54I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to make it to my destination.
25:57You know the feeling?
25:58Sometimes you start your day, it's sort of shitty.
26:00Yeah, it doesn't go your way, but it's working out.
26:03That's how I felt.
26:04I'm like, man, I'm on the plane now.
26:06This is great.
26:06I look at my boarding pass, my seat, 28B.
26:10I walk up to my seat.
26:13I couldn't believe this shit.
26:1528B was missing.
26:18I look.
26:20I look at the boarding pass.
26:22There is no seat.
26:23My seat happened to be between two of the biggest humans on planet Earth.
26:34These two guys were so big, my seat in the middle disappeared.
26:41I couldn't believe it.
26:42I looked at the flight attendant.
26:43I go, excuse me, 28B is missing.
26:45She knew what's happening.
26:48She goes, sir, your seat is right there.
26:50And then she ran away.
26:54I'm like, what?
26:56I look at the guys.
26:57I go, sorry, guys, that's my seat.
27:00The guys looked at each other.
27:01What seat?
27:04I said, the crack right there.
27:10They look between their biceps together unison.
27:14They're like, we're going to make it happen.
27:17I said, thank you so much.
27:18The guy said, can you turn around?
27:21I trusted him.
27:23I turned around.
27:24He grabbed the back of my pants and he started pulling.
27:26Now, the guy is pulling.
27:28I'm right at the crack, okay?
27:31The other guy is pushing himself to the window.
27:33He's just pan kicked to the window.
27:35This guy is pulling my pants.
27:37I'm right between them, right?
27:38And all of a sudden he goes, push, push.
27:43I'm like, okay, I'm pushing.
27:45Loud, he goes, push, push.
27:47I'm like, I'm pushing.
27:48I'm pushing.
27:48I'm going to become aerodynamic.
27:51I'm like, okay.
27:52I become aerodynamic.
27:54Push.
27:55I'm like, I'm pushing.
27:58Push, pushing.
28:00Then he goes, bend over.
28:01Excuse me?
28:04Don't worry.
28:04I'm a professional.
28:05I'm like, okay.
28:08Aerodynamic.
28:08I bend over.
28:09He goes, push.
28:10I'm pushing.
28:10Now the whole plane goes, push.
28:13Push.
28:13It was like giving births, but the other way around.
28:18I was trying to go inside the hole.
28:23Push, push.
28:25I went right between the crack.
28:26It was amazing.
28:27I was going inside.
28:28Push.
28:28And then I got stuck.
28:30Everyone's like, push, push, push.
28:33I was turning red.
28:34I'm pushing.
28:34All of a sudden the guy goes, wait.
28:38I have Vaseline.
28:43I go, how do you have Vaseline?
28:46He goes, I work for Mercedes-Benz downtown.
29:01He put on some Vaseline.
29:03Push.
29:04Everyone's push.
29:04I'm pushing.
29:05Boom.
29:06I fell inside.
29:07Oh, my God.
29:11I fell inside the hole.
29:14I've never felt this comfortable in my life before.
29:18The best feeling in the world.
29:21This was the best hole I've ever experienced.
29:25It was so gushy-mushy.
29:28Honestly, I've never felt this good before.
29:30I'm inside.
29:32I'm between these two guys in this little hole.
29:34Oh, my God.
29:35You know you've got to take those donut little pillows for the plane?
29:39I needed nothing.
29:42Every crevice of my body was filled.
29:46I'm sitting there like a baby.
29:47I'm like, oh, my God.
29:49I felt like I was between two Tempur-Pedic pillows.
29:54So good, man.
29:55Plane takes off.
29:57I fall asleep.
29:58I never fall asleep on the plane.
30:01I immediately fell asleep like a baby.
30:04Like, mm-hmm.
30:07I sleep for four hours.
30:10Four hours later, I wake up.
30:14I open my left eye.
30:15Everything else was covered.
30:22Looking around.
30:24I saw the flight attendant.
30:26And the flight attendant saw me.
30:27She freaked out.
30:27She's like, oh, my God.
30:30She saw a hole and an eyeball just sticking out.
30:33Are you okay?
30:38I blinked twice for yes.
30:44She goes, sir, would you like something to drink?
30:48I said, no, thank you.
30:50I've already been breastfed.
30:59Now, if this plane would have crashed,
31:01I would have been the only survivor.
31:05What just happened?
31:08I like this audience.
31:10This is a good show.
31:12Look at this two couple.
31:14So stylish.
31:16I just noticed.
31:17I'm sorry.
31:18I didn't recognize sooner.
31:20My God.
31:22You couldn't wait for me to pick on you.
31:24Look at your glasses.
31:27Half white, half black.
31:30Your girlfriend, bright pink.
31:34My God.
31:35Oh, married.
31:36I'm sorry.
31:39Match made in heaven.
31:41You saw each other.
31:42Oh, my God.
31:43Oh, my God.
31:45What's your name, buddy?
31:47What's his name?
31:48Hussain and?
31:49Hediyat.
31:49Hediyat.
31:50And you guys, you're into fashion?
31:53You teach fashion?
31:56No.
31:57And this is the fucking result?
31:59Hediyat.
31:59Hediyat.
31:59And you guys, you're into fashion?
32:00You teach fashion?
32:01No.
32:01And this is the fucking result?
32:03She ordered the most ridiculous glasses.
32:12Can I borrow those glasses, please?
32:18Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to teach you how to look more stylish.
32:21Honey, I love you.
32:30How do I look?
32:32You look fly, baby.
32:34Oh, my God.
32:35Thank you very much.
32:40Give it up for Hussain, everybody.
32:42Love you, man.
32:45As soon as the show's over, throw them away.
32:56What is that evil laugh?
32:58She has the laugh of those airline counter ladies.
33:03My family, my entire family, they're crazy.
33:21So when I see crazy, I connect, yeah?
33:25And I feel good.
33:26Now, I'm telling you, my whole family is crazy.
33:28Every family at least has one crazy person, right?
33:31At least one.
33:32You know what I'm talking about?
33:33We all have that one crazy person in our family.
33:36And when she calls, when he calls, we're all like, oh, shit.
33:40The crazy person shows up to Thanksgiving, oh, shit.
33:44If you're sitting here like, oh, my family is perfect.
33:47If you think there's no crazy person in your family, you're the one.
33:55One of my uncles, he is such an intense, nerve-wracking stress freak.
34:01Yeah.
34:01He tells me, Max, I want to fly with you from L.A. to D.C.
34:06I said, sure.
34:07Okay?
34:09I pick him up.
34:10He gets into the car.
34:11I've never seen him this nervous ever before.
34:14He's shaking.
34:15He's worried.
34:16He's got anxiety.
34:17I go, Uncle, you okay?
34:19He goes, no, no, no.
34:20Yes, yes, yes.
34:20No, no, yes.
34:21No, no, not okay.
34:22No, yes.
34:23No, no, no.
34:23I'm not okay.
34:25I go, what's going on?
34:26He goes, we're going to the airport.
34:29Every time I go to the airport, they randomly select me.
34:36You get it?
34:37I'm like, yes.
34:38He goes, no, you don't get it.
34:39What is so random if it's every time?
34:41I am not a terrorist.
34:45I go, I know you're not a terrorist.
34:46Uncle, relax.
34:47He goes, no.
34:48They think I'm a terrorist.
34:49I've been shaving since 7 o'clock last night.
34:53It's already growing back.
34:57I think the metal detector detects how much body hair you have.
35:03He has his own philosophies.
35:05He's super nervous.
35:07I go, I'm just going to relax.
35:07He's like, no, no, no, no.
35:08You don't understand.
35:09I am very worried, okay?
35:11We get there.
35:12They pick me in front of everybody.
35:14They select me.
35:15People, my friends think I am terrorist.
35:17I go, okay, just calm down.
35:19And then he starts talking to himself.
35:21This is what older Iranian men do.
35:23He sits there.
35:24He starts literally just sitting right next to me in the car.
35:26I go, uncle, you okay?
35:44I go, uncle, you okay?
35:44They don't know who I am.
35:47I go, who are you?
35:48I am a Canadian person.
35:49I go, okay, relax.
35:52I'd never seen him this nervous.
35:54We get to the airport.
35:56We're standing in line.
35:59Man, he literally is shaking.
36:02We're standing in security line.
36:04He is so nervous.
36:06He makes me nervous.
36:08He made me so nervous.
36:10Now I'm shaking.
36:13We're two Middle Easterns just shaking, walking so suspiciously in the line.
36:18Dude, we get to the front.
36:26The officer, he's just very chill.
36:28And my uncle is so tense.
36:30He goes, sir, can you step up?
36:31Everything he says, my uncle repeats.
36:33Step up!
36:37The guy goes, yes, sir.
36:39Can I have your ID?
36:40He goes, ID!
36:43The officer takes the ID, looks at the ID, looks at my uncle and goes,
36:48you've been selected for a random search, sir.
36:53My uncle gets so mad.
36:55And when he gets angry, you can't understand what he's saying.
37:02The officer looks at me and goes, sir, I don't understand what he's saying.
37:04Are you together?
37:05I said, no, I have no idea who he is.
37:10You don't know?
37:11I changed your diaper?
37:12I changed your diaper?
37:14I said, sir, I'm a grown-ass man.
37:16I don't wear a diaper.
37:18I said, yes.
37:20They take him to the side.
37:22Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
37:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
37:27They give him some Mercedes-Benz dealership.
37:30Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
37:34I haven't spoken to that uncle in 10 years.
37:42Man.
37:43After I saw that incident, I thought to myself,
37:45you know what?
37:46Never let anybody make you feel that uncomfortable.
37:49Yeah?
37:51You make them uncomfortable.
37:54Yeah?
37:56Why would you let someone stress you out so much like that?
38:00Now, every time I go to the airport,
38:02I take a revenge on behalf of my uncle.
38:08I go stand in the security line
38:10and pretend I can't wait to be selected.
38:13I just stand there so happy.
38:15Hi, I volunteer.
38:17Like, sir, get back in line.
38:18Okay.
38:19I go a little bit more.
38:20Hello.
38:22I would love the body, sir.
38:26And you get to the front,
38:27and immediately go,
38:28sir, you're selected for a random check.
38:30I'm like, yes!
38:32Yes!
38:33And they take me to the side,
38:34and they ask me,
38:35they always ask you,
38:36sir, would you like a private screening
38:38or a public screening?
38:41Public.
38:44Can you spread your legs?
38:46Yes.
38:50Officer, search me.
38:53Officer, a little higher, you can find my genetics.
39:11Yes!
39:12They usually freak out.
39:20They're like, get the fuck out of here.
39:22Go back to Netherlands.
39:24But I'm just saying, like, in life,
39:30you've got to just really entertain yourself.
39:33Isn't it?
39:34Like, I'm telling you,
39:34if you don't,
39:36you get depressed.
39:37Yeah?
39:38You got to,
39:39you got to try,
39:40you got to get out of the house.
39:42You got to do shit.
39:43It takes effort.
39:44Otherwise, you regret.
39:46Yeah?
39:46You want to do the shit you're scared of.
39:48Personally,
39:49I want to share with you
39:50one of the scariest,
39:52most exciting experiences in my life.
39:54And to be honest with you,
39:55I didn't really choose to face my fear.
39:57In this case,
39:58the fear faced me.
40:00Okay?
40:01Who here has done skydiving before?
40:03Yes?
40:04Oh, wow.
40:04Where did you jump?
40:06Afghanistan.
40:06Afghanistan.
40:08Ah!
40:08I see you were escaping Afghanistan.
40:12That's completely different, Habibi.
40:14We're talking about recreational stuff.
40:16Yeah?
40:17Not escaping Afghanistan.
40:18Were you the guy
40:18we're hanging on the plane?
40:20Good to see you, man.
40:21You made it.
40:23White people laugh.
40:23It's okay.
40:26This is all okay.
40:27It's ha-ha-ha.
40:27Crowd, we're having fun.
40:28He knows we're good.
40:30Okay.
40:32So I'm in Dubai.
40:33I'm doing a radio interview.
40:35And on air,
40:36the girl that was interviewing me,
40:37she loved skydiving
40:38and she couldn't stop talking about it.
40:40She goes,
40:40oh my God,
40:41it's the best thing in the world.
40:43Every time I jump out of the plane,
40:45adrenaline hits my body,
40:47comes out of my ears
40:48and my nipples get hard.
40:49It's amazing.
40:51And then she keeps telling me,
40:52do you like it?
40:53What would you do?
40:53How would you jump?
40:55And I was trying to be fun on the air.
40:56I was like,
40:56I don't know,
40:57I'll backflip
40:58and belly dance all the way down.
41:00She's like,
41:00oh my God,
41:01that's so amazing.
41:03So we were laughing,
41:04having a good conversation.
41:05The interview ends.
41:06The manager of the radio station
41:08walks in and she goes,
41:10oh my God,
41:10Max,
41:11I love the interview.
41:12This was so great.
41:14We have a surprise for you.
41:16I go,
41:16huh?
41:18He goes,
41:19we called Dubai skydiving
41:20and we squeezed you in.
41:24They're always booked,
41:25but they allowed us
41:26to take you right now.
41:28I was like,
41:28huh?
41:29All of a sudden,
41:31the whole station
41:32starts screaming,
41:33celebrating,
41:33yes,
41:34yes,
41:34the lady's like,
41:35ah!
41:36I was like,
41:37okay.
41:38Now,
41:39I'm scared of heights.
41:41I didn't know what to say.
41:43I was like,
41:43okay,
41:44it was already a done deal.
41:45We get in the car,
41:46we go to the place.
41:47Now,
41:47the whole time,
41:48inside,
41:49I'm freaked out.
41:50We get there,
41:51they gave me an Arab instructor.
41:53I'm standing there.
41:55The guy sits between my legs.
41:57I put on the parachute
41:58and he's pulling the straps,
42:00okay?
42:01If you've never done this here,
42:02I'll tell you exactly
42:03what goes through your mind.
42:05I'm standing there
42:06and all I can think is,
42:08what if this parachute
42:09doesn't open?
42:12I couldn't stop thinking
42:14about this shit.
42:15My brain was constantly
42:17just twirling the same thought
42:19over and over.
42:20What if this doesn't open?
42:21I fall out of the plane
42:22and I started seeing myself.
42:25The parachute didn't open.
42:26Now,
42:26I'm seeing it happen
42:28in front of me
42:28as I'm standing there.
42:29I fell out of the plane.
42:33I exploded.
42:36I exploded.
42:37My legs went one way,
42:39my arms,
42:40and as I was watching,
42:42I saw my dick
42:44flying in the air.
42:48It's like,
42:48what the fuck?
42:50And I got concerned,
42:52what's going to happen
42:53to my dick?
42:55I was watching,
42:56all of a sudden,
42:57an eagle flew by.
43:00Arr, arr!
43:03The eagle grabbed my dick
43:05and flew to the highest mountain
43:09and fed the baby eagles.
43:14Have you seen it
43:15on Discovery Channel
43:16how hungry these babies are?
43:17Arr, arr!
43:21It was the most delicious meat
43:22they've ever had in their life.
43:26All of a sudden,
43:27my instructor's pulling so hard
43:29on the strap,
43:29I come back to reality
43:30and he goes,
43:31it's tight,
43:31it's very good,
43:32very tight,
43:32very good,
43:32very tight.
43:33Very good,
43:33very good,
43:34very good,
43:34very tight,
43:34very good,
43:34very good,
43:35very good,
43:35very good,
43:35very tight.
43:36I go,
43:37what are you doing?
43:37He goes,
43:37it's very tight,
43:38it's very good.
43:38I go,
43:38I know,
43:39he was such a pervert.
43:42My luck,
43:43I got an Arab pervert instructor.
43:46He's got the googly eyes,
43:47it's very tight,
43:48very good,
43:48very tight,
43:49very good,
43:49very good,
43:49very tight.
43:50I go,
43:50Habibi,
43:51it's tight,
43:51it's very good,
43:51let it go.
43:55He goes,
43:55okay,
43:55follow me.
43:56I follow the guy,
43:57we go into the small plane.
43:59We sit on the plane,
44:00now it's a small plane,
44:01all these people are so excited,
44:03plane takes off,
44:04the higher the plane goes,
44:06more excited my instructor gets.
44:08all of a sudden,
44:13we get to the right altitude,
44:14the pilot guy gets on the walkie thing,
44:16and he speaks in Arabic,
44:17we're in UAE,
44:19and he goes,
44:19my Arabic is fantastic.
44:35I explained to you what he said,
44:36he said,
44:37now we have arrived to the right altitude,
44:39if you make it down there,
44:41there's going to be free hummus and shawarma.
44:45They all of a sudden open the door of the plane.
44:48Air hits in.
44:50What a weird feeling.
44:52Air comes in.
44:55That air comes in,
44:56dude,
44:56it's the scariest thing you can experience.
44:59People jump out of the plane,
45:01and they disappear.
45:03Like,
45:03it's weird.
45:04They jump,
45:05and go,
45:05what?
45:11All of a sudden,
45:12my instructor goes,
45:13Habibi,
45:14Habibi,
45:14Habibi.
45:15I go,
45:16what?
45:16He goes,
45:16sit on my lap.
45:19Now,
45:20I didn't know about this part.
45:22I thought this guy is a pervert.
45:25He's trying to get me,
45:26like,
45:27jump on his lap,
45:27you know,
45:28because I'm nervous all of a sudden.
45:30I don't know what's happening,
45:31you know?
45:32I was like,
45:32hell no.
45:34He's like,
45:34Habibi,
45:35yallah,
45:35Habibi,
45:35yallah.
45:36I said,
45:37no,
45:37sir,
45:37I'm not going to sit on your lap.
45:39All of a sudden,
45:40this guy grabbed me,
45:42lifts me,
45:43and puts me on his lap.
45:45Dude,
45:46I'm a grown-ass man,
45:48sitting on another man's lap.
45:50He has a hook on his jacket,
45:52and he hooked it on the back of mine.
45:54So,
45:54I'm stuck to him like this.
45:58His mustache is tickling my neck.
46:03I stop breathing,
46:04he's like,
46:04I don't want to make one inch of move,
46:08just in case this guy gets excited.
46:12And I experience
46:14some Arabic surprise.
46:18All of a sudden,
46:19he goes,
46:19Habibi,
46:20let's go.
46:20I get up.
46:20I'm like,
46:21okay,
46:21okay,
46:21okay,
46:21okay.
46:22The door of the plane is open.
46:24Oh,
46:25my God.
46:25This is the scariest time.
46:28You're standing there
46:29at the door of the plane,
46:32and the guy goes,
46:34jump.
46:35I look down.
46:36Shit.
46:39I saw the whole galaxy.
46:44Mars,
46:45Pluto,
46:45Earth,
46:47they were all like,
46:48fucking twirling around each other,
46:49having a great time.
46:51The sky like,
46:53jumped.
46:54In that moment,
46:55I was like,
46:55what am I doing?
46:57If 1%,
46:58this parachute doesn't open,
47:00I'm going to die.
47:04Are you crazy?
47:05Max,
47:06you have a good life.
47:08Don't do this.
47:10In that moment,
47:10I decided,
47:11I'm not going to jump.
47:12Now,
47:13the instructor keeps yelling,
47:14jump,
47:15go,
47:15jump.
47:16I said,
47:17no.
47:18He goes,
47:19Habibi,
47:20go.
47:21I said,
47:21Habibi,
47:22no.
47:24He goes,
47:25Habibi,
47:25no means no.
47:32He goes,
47:33let's go.
47:38I fell out of the plane,
47:40holding my asshole.
47:47Dude is screaming,
47:48open your legs,
47:49open your legs.
47:50You have to come down like this.
47:52I was like,
47:52hell no.
47:53He goes,
47:55Habibi,
47:56open your legs.
47:56I got no way.
47:59He goes,
48:00Habibi,
48:00we're going to die.
48:01I said,
48:02I will die a virgin asshole.
48:06He's like,
48:07Habibi.
48:08Dude,
48:09he was freaking out.
48:10Everybody else were like this,
48:11coming down slow.
48:12Him and I were coming down so fast.
48:15We're like,
48:16we're coming down.
48:18We're coming down.
48:21Dude,
48:21we hit the ground.
48:23We hit the ground so hard.
48:26And he's my instructor.
48:27He's underneath.
48:28He hits the ground first.
48:30Boom.
48:30He hits.
48:32His dick breaks.
48:35His Arabic dick flies in the air.
48:38I was like,
48:38oh my God,
48:39it happened.
48:41His Arabic dick was going in the air.
48:44Out of nowhere,
48:45an eagle flew by.
48:49Grabs the Arabic dick,
48:50but the eagle was struggling with the dick.
48:54It was too heavy.
48:58Second eagle flew by.
48:59Two eagles took the Arabic dick.
49:05Flew to the highest mountain
49:07and fed all the eagle babies in the world.
49:13They asked me,
49:15sir,
49:15how was your experience?
49:17I said,
49:17what part,
49:18the jump or the penetration?
49:22Thank you very much,
49:23director.
49:26Thank you very much.
49:29Thank you very much.
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