- 2 months ago
One of Herman's exes asks him to be her sperm donor.
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FunTranscript
00:01That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:03Is that all you can think about?
00:05Food and sex?
00:07Yes. Please, focus!
00:09Look out!
00:17Hey, it's Jack!
00:20No time for small talk, we're late.
00:23Petty, hold the elevator!
00:25Petty!
00:30I think Louise is so sweet.
00:35I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:38I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:40And I think you are all idiots.
00:42That's gonna work!
01:00What the hell is that?
01:02With this?
01:13Research.
01:15Miss America in 1941?
01:16That would be Miss California from Los Angeles.
01:19Last name LaP approved.
01:21Last name, LaFont. First name. First name. First name. First name.
01:26Why can't I remember her first name?
01:28We'll give her last name. We can just look it up.
01:30No, it'll come to me.
01:33Damn! Why can't I do it?
01:35I had a good night's sleep last night. I didn't have anything to drink.
01:40Don't worry, Mr. Brackett. It happens to every man at one time or another.
01:45It's never happened to me before.
01:47It's okay. We can just cuddle.
01:49Please.
01:51Sorry.
01:52This is no time for joking. I can't remember.
01:55But just look it up.
01:56No, I have to remember it. If I look it up, it would be admitting defeat.
02:00Then why don't you just make up an answer? That's what I do.
02:04I was just making a joke like Louise.
02:09I'll be in my office. Don't hang up that phone.
02:12We'll get back to you, Mr. Wrigley.
02:14So she just called you or out of the blue?
02:16I know. I can't believe it myself.
02:17Wow. Rebecca Woods.
02:19She was the most beautiful freshman on campus.
02:22Did you bag her?
02:23Jay, I don't bag women.
02:26I'm sorry. Did you nail her?
02:29Jay, you heard the man. He wants to know, and I need to brag about it.
02:33You are so vulgar. Why must you debase our beautiful memories?
02:37Remember when we first met her?
02:39She was sitting by Cayman's Pond reading poetry?
02:43Yeah. Remember the first time we made love to her?
02:51What was that position called?
02:54Missionary.
02:55Yeah, I liked that one.
03:01Come on, Herm. Did you sleep with her?
03:03Jay, this relationship was more than just sex.
03:05You can understand that, can't you?
03:08Okay, forget it.
03:10Let's just say she was a hard stopper and leave it at that.
03:13So why'd you ever let her go?
03:15Well, I didn't let her go. I was crazy about her.
03:17Everything was going great.
03:18Then suddenly, for no reason, she backed off.
03:20Then at the end of the semester, she transferred to Berkeley.
03:23Aw, that's too bad.
03:24Now, out of nowhere, she wants to see me again.
03:27Well, maybe she realized she let a good thing slip away.
03:29You really think so?
03:30Yeah, now you can get the old fires going.
03:33Find that spark of romance, and dump her.
03:35That'll teach her.
03:39Thanks for the help, Jay.
03:40That's what I'm here for, pal.
03:42Herman, I don't care what Jay thinks.
03:44I think it's great that your first love is coming back to you.
03:47Well, maybe your first love will come back to you too, Louise.
03:49I don't think so. I haven't met him yet.
03:51Oh, no, looking back, the guy who came to fix my toilet last week was very polite.
03:57Does that count?
03:58Not on earth, Louise.
04:00And I suppose you have some great story about your first love.
04:04Oh, my first love was Doug Broderick, investment banker on Wall Street.
04:08Left his wife for me and asked me to marry him.
04:10Why didn't you?
04:11I thought no reason to be tied down in the eighth grade.
04:13Okay, Eddie, you win.
04:17Everyone's attracted to you, and I'm nothing.
04:19I know. Isn't it great?
04:23Louise, I got it. I got it.
04:25Get that guy on the phone.
04:26I knew if I had just a little peace and quiet with no distractions, it would come back to me.
04:31The name of Miss America, 1941.
04:33In 1941?
04:34Yes.
04:34It's.
04:35Yes.
04:36It.
04:38It.
04:38It.
04:40It.
04:41What the use? I've lost it.
04:43I'm no good to this company anymore. I'm nothing.
04:46Oh, it's okay, Mr. Bracken. I'm nothing, too.
04:48We can start an I'm nothing support group.
04:50Meet, uh, maybe Tuesdays at 7?
04:53I can't. I'm busy.
04:54What are you doing?
04:56Beats the hell out of me.
04:57Hey, what are you doing?
05:06Getting ready for Rebecca.
05:09Aren't you being rather presumptuous? She just wants to see an old friend.
05:12I got an old friend who wants to see her.
05:23Rebecca!
05:24Hi!
05:24Hey!
05:25Hi, come on in.
05:27Nice apartment.
05:28No, it isn't, but it's nice of you to say so.
05:31It's been a long time.
05:32Five years.
05:33It's great to see you. You look really terrific.
05:36Thanks.
05:38Yes! She's taking her clothes off!
05:41We're crying out loud. She's just taking off her coat.
05:44We gotta start somewhere.
05:47So, how have you been?
05:49Fine, fine.
05:50Actually, no, not so fine. I just got out of a bad relationship.
05:54She's on the rebound. This is beautiful.
05:57Oh, I'm sorry. Relationships can be very difficult.
06:01Are you staying anyone?
06:03Oh, no. No, no. Not seeing a soul. I'm free and clear.
06:06So, uh, what brings you to New York?
06:08You.
06:08Oh, I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
06:11You have? Why?
06:13Well, I realize that of all the men I've known, you're the only one who really meant something to me.
06:17You meant a lot to me, too.
06:19But what I have to ask you next is very difficult to say.
06:22Well, say it slowly and enunciate, and I'm sure I'll get most of it.
06:28Herman, I want something, and I want you to give it to me.
06:30I've got to go downstairs.
06:40That's okay. I'm open-minded. Just say it. I think I can give you what you want.
06:45I have to admit, what I want is a little unusual.
06:47I heard! I heard! Unusual!
06:58That ought to do it!
07:01Fire away.
07:03Herman, I want you to be the father of my child.
07:11Boy, that came out of left field.
07:15What are you saying?
07:16I am ready to have a baby.
07:17So I thought, who has the qualities that I'd like to pass on to my child?
07:21Rucker Hauer?
07:23No, Herman, you.
07:25Me? Whoa, whoa, let's slow down here.
07:28We haven't seen each other for a long time.
07:30Talking about marriage and babies, isn't that jumping the gun?
07:32Shouldn't we have two or three years of great sex first?
07:37Herman, relax.
07:38I don't understand. When did you decide that I was Mr. Right?
07:41Herman, sit down.
07:41You are not Mr. Right.
07:46There is no Mr. Right.
07:48There may, however, be a Ms. Right.
07:49I'm gay.
07:50You're a lesbian?
07:59I mean, it's okay if you're a lesbian.
08:01Is lesbian the correct term?
08:03Or do you prefer to be called gay?
08:04Or is it, uh...
08:05African-American?
08:11Yes, Herman, the correct term for a gay woman is African-American.
08:14I'm sorry. This just took me by surprise. I mean...
08:19I mean, we've had sex.
08:21I knew I was a lesbian even then. I was just trying to be heterosexual.
08:24Well, it was quite a try.
08:27I mean, even while we were seeing each other, I realized that I could never get what I wanted from a man.
08:32So basically, I turned you into a lesbian.
08:37Yes.
08:40Herman, no. A man doesn't turn a woman into a lesbian.
08:43I don't know what to say.
08:46Say you'll do it.
08:47Tell me you'll be the father of my child.
08:58Research.
08:59Which Three Stooges movie featured both Shemp and Curly?
09:03Mr. Bracken?
09:04I don't know. Look it up.
09:05Oh, Mr. Bracken, you love the Three Stooges, remember?
09:08Oh, wise guy, eh?
09:09What?
09:15Louise, look it up.
09:18So, let me get this straight.
09:20She slept with you and it turned her into a lesbian?
09:24Don't be stupid, Jay.
09:26I don't get defensive. It happens to me all the time.
09:30Jay, a man does not turn a woman into a lesbian.
09:33So what are you saying? They all made it up as an excuse to stop seeing me?
09:36Son of a...
09:39What was the problem again, Earl?
09:43She wants my sperm.
09:44No problem. There, you get to have sex with a gorgeous lesbian, no strings attached.
09:49By the way, will the girlfriend be there?
09:52Jay, I am not going to have sex with her. We would use artificial insemination.
09:55Man, you can't cut a break, can you?
09:57Look, what am I going to do? She's going to be here any minute now and I have no idea what to tell her.
10:02Herman, I've noticed you're on the fence about this.
10:04Here's a little trick I use when I have a big decision to make.
10:07I just ask myself, what's in it for me?
10:10Petty, it's a little more complicated than that.
10:12No, it's not. She wants your sperm, so you make her give you something.
10:15Like a diamond-studded tiara.
10:18Petty, I don't want a tiara.
10:20Can I have it?
10:23Thanks for the help, Petty.
10:24You know, Herm, she actually may be right.
10:25You can make a lot of money doing this.
10:27I worked my way through college selling blood.
10:29How did you sell that much blood?
10:31It wasn't my blood.
10:32I don't get it. Why you, Herman?
10:36Because, heady, Herman has some very good qualities.
10:39Yeah, like what?
10:41Good qualities.
10:44Well, those are nice shoes.
10:47Those are my shoes.
10:48His hair is...
10:50What's his hair? Look like an astronaut.
10:51Are you two finished?
10:53Stop it!
10:54Herman has a lot of great qualities.
10:57He's nice, he's kind, he's sweet, and he's considerate.
11:00That's why this lesbian chick wants his seed.
11:05She found a special bond with Herman.
11:06He's going to give her the greatest gift a woman can receive.
11:10The joy of motherhood.
11:12That was beautiful.
11:13Who are you?
11:14Louise Spitzer.
11:15Oh, and you must be the lesbian.
11:21I'm so sorry.
11:23That's okay, Louise.
11:23I already knew.
11:24That's her, huh?
11:27Wow.
11:28What a waste.
11:29Excuse me?
11:29That's just Jay's way of telling you you're a beautiful woman.
11:32Exactly.
11:33I think it's a shame that a woman as beautiful as you is being wasted on other women.
11:37I mean, it'd be different if you were a real Bowser.
11:41That's Jay's way of telling you he's an idiot.
11:43It was nice meeting you.
11:47Thank you, Louise.
11:48Listen, I really appreciate what you said.
11:50Maybe we could go out to dinner sometime?
11:51Why is she hitting on Louise?
11:53I'm the prettiest one here.
11:56I've always been the prettiest one here.
11:58No one comes in this office and picks Louise over me.
12:01Hedy, she's a woman.
12:03Doesn't matter.
12:04No one comes into this office and picks Louise over me.
12:06I don't believe we've met.
12:09I'm Hedy Newman, and I just want to say I really respect what you're doing.
12:12If I wanted to have Herman's baby, I'd insist on artificial insemination, too.
12:18You want to take me to dinner?
12:21Some other time.
12:24So, Herman, have you thought about my proposition?
12:27Hey, you want to get some lunch?
12:29Sure.
12:30I'll see you later, Louise.
12:33You stay away from him.
12:34He's mine.
12:34Who?
12:35Rebecca.
12:36Louise, I decided I'm going to resign.
12:41I need you to take a letter.
12:42Oh, no, Mr. Bracken.
12:43You can't be serious.
12:44Of course I'm serious.
12:46I've lost my ability to remember.
12:48And without that, I have nothing left to give this organization.
12:51But resigning, I won't be a party to this.
12:54Damn it.
12:55I said take a letter.
12:57Yes, sir.
13:01I resign.
13:04Now read that back to me.
13:07Dear sirs, regarding your shipment of socks sent on the 19th, all right socks were sent.
13:12Please send corresponding left socks.
13:13Yours, Paul Bracken.
13:16Fine.
13:16Type that up.
13:23Isn't this a great restaurant?
13:25So, Herman, have you reached a decision?
13:28Now that I think about it, maybe it's more of a pub than a restaurant.
13:31Herman, I'd really like to know what you've decided.
13:33A pub.
13:35Definitely a pub.
13:36Herman.
13:37I'm sorry.
13:38I guess it makes me a little uncomfortable.
13:41Well, it isn't easy for me either.
13:43But you've got to understand how important this is to me.
13:45Are you sure you want a kid?
13:46I mean, maybe you could just get a dog.
13:47I don't want a dog, Herman.
13:50Not even a basset hound?
13:51You could put a little hat on him and call him Harry?
13:54Okay.
13:55Maybe I made a mistake coming here.
13:56Wait a minute.
13:57I'm sorry.
13:58I thought that you would be open-minded about this.
13:59Rebecca, I am trying to be open-minded.
14:02It's just a bringing new life into the world.
14:04I don't know.
14:04I mean, there's global warming, urban unrest, pestilence, plague, tooth decay, Satan worshipers,
14:11crabgrass.
14:12I got a million of them.
14:15Is this the kind of world you want to bring a child into?
14:18Herman, believe me.
14:19I know there are going to be problems, but I have a lot of love to give a child.
14:22Oh, I'm sure you do.
14:23But I need your help.
14:25Well, I've got to get back to work.
14:29Before you go back downstairs, I just want to remind you, it's artificial insemination.
14:34What's that?
14:36You go alone into a room with a cup and some dirty magazines.
14:39Well, the cup's a new wrinkle, but I'm still interested.
14:42I don't think we should do this.
14:45We have to.
14:46She needs us.
14:47Nope.
14:48Absolutely not.
14:49I'll make the puppy dog face.
14:50Oh, God.
14:51No, no, no.
14:51No, no, no.
14:52The puppy dog face.
14:54Okay.
14:55I'll do it.
15:01Hey, thanks for bringing me along, Herm.
15:02You know, the editor of Scientific Review is really looking forward to this article.
15:06So now everyone in the building knows I'm doing this.
15:08No, relax, man.
15:09I used a pseudonym, Herman Brooks.
15:13That's my name.
15:14Yeah, but I spelled it differently.
15:17I'm already starting to regret this.
15:19All right, Herm, I've got a couple questions for you.
15:21First, are you circumcised?
15:23What does that have to do with the article?
15:25Nothing.
15:25I just always wanted to know.
15:27Jay, I am not 100% sure I want to do this, and you're not really helping.
15:32Okay, not circumcised.
15:34Just tell me, Herm, what are you feeling right now?
15:37Annoyed.
15:38Don't blame me, man.
15:39The service here is terrible.
15:41You'd think they'd have the women out here on display, so you could choose.
15:44Jay, this is a doctor's office.
15:46It's not Bangkok.
15:47Yo, a little service?
15:50Can I help you?
15:52I don't think so.
15:54I believe my friend here would prefer to be serviced by a woman.
15:57What, you think a man can't be a good nurse?
15:59No, no, no.
16:00God, no.
16:01Male nurse is fine.
16:02I thought there'd be a hot little number, you know, to help get his engine going.
16:07Page 38.
16:10The doctor will be right with you, and the cups are right here.
16:13I don't know if they expect you to fill this whole thing up.
16:18Do you mind?
16:20So, Herm, a few minutes, you'll be going into a dark little room, pants down around your ankles,
16:26handful of quarters, Jay, a peep show.
16:30The point is, in nine short months, through the miracle of modern technology, your child
16:34will be born, man.
16:36A little Herman Brooks.
16:37I don't know if I can go through with this.
16:39Well, Herm, what's going on?
16:40Look, it's all so cold and clinical.
16:42I don't want to become a father this way.
16:49Let me help you with that.
16:51Hey, cute kid.
16:52Hey, look, Herm, he's smiling at you.
16:57What a cute little boy.
16:59That could be our son.
17:00Impossible.
17:01We never saw that woman in our life.
17:03And that figuratively, we could have a little boy just like that.
17:07I say we go through with this.
17:09Imagine our child.
17:11It's a boy.
17:13A boy.
17:15It's a boy.
17:18It's an adorable little boy.
17:21Our kid will be just like us.
17:23Yes, my boy.
17:30He'll be a Nobel laureate.
17:34I'm proud of his son.
17:35He'll have all the qualities we admire.
17:38Daddy, there's monsters under the bed.
17:40That's right.
17:42You didn't upset them, did you?
17:44Herb, where are you going?
17:53You know what, Jay?
17:53If two people love a child, it doesn't matter how it's conceived.
17:57Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make a baby.
18:00Okay.
18:00Well, thanks for lunch.
18:13You're welcome.
18:15Am I supposed to kiss you goodbye?
18:19No.
18:20Phew.
18:21I was sweating that one out all through the cheesecake.
18:22Oh, I'm so sorry, Rebecca.
18:27Ooh, you're so strong.
18:30What is that, musk?
18:32Are my seams straight?
18:33I'm so helpless.
18:34Isn't that just like a girl?
18:37Hattie, you don't have seams.
18:38I can't see back there, can you?
18:41Hattie, if he'll keep you from making an ass out of yourself, I'll go out with you.
18:45Oh, no, you're not going to go out with Hattie, are you?
18:48Louise, there's some women you want to have a relationship with,
18:50and there are some women you just want to bag.
18:54Oh, wait a minute.
18:55I'm a girl, you're a girl.
18:56Who'd pay?
18:57We'd split it.
18:58Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
18:59That would never work.
19:01I'd just forget the whole thing.
19:04I got it.
19:05I got it.
19:05Miss America, 1941.
19:07I remember her name.
19:09Hello?
19:10Who are you?
19:10I'm Rebecca.
19:11Hello, Rebecca.
19:13How are you there?
19:13Fine days.
19:14So, what was her name?
19:15Rebecca.
19:17No.
19:18Wait.
19:20Somebody's name, Rebecca.
19:21Now, who's Rebecca?
19:23That's me.
19:27Herman, hi.
19:28How did it go?
19:29Great, great.
19:29My part's all done.
19:30Oh, I don't know how to thank you.
19:32You don't have to thank me.
19:33I was happy to do it.
19:34You know, as a matter of fact,
19:34I can't wait till our child is born.
19:37Our child?
19:38No, I have something to really look forward to, you know?
19:40I mean, if it's a boy, I'll take him to baseball games,
19:42and if it's a girl, I'll take her to baseball games, too.
19:46Can I talk to you for a second?
19:48I got it.
19:49I got it.
19:51Miss America, 1941, was Miss California Rosemary LaPlanche.
19:55Rosemary!
19:58I still got it.
20:00I'm 100% in control of my faculty.
20:03Congratulations, Mr. Bracken.
20:05Well, thank you, Louise.
20:06Now, take a letter.
20:08I do not resign.
20:12Now, read that back.
20:15Louise Pitzer is one of the finest workers at Waterton Publishing.
20:18I recommend she be given a $50 a week raise.
20:20Signed, Paul Bracken.
20:23Fine.
20:24Type that up.
20:25Sign my name.
20:26Then throw it in the garbage.
20:30Worth a shot.
20:33Herman, I'm glad you're excited,
20:34but, you know, chances are you're probably never going to see him.
20:37What are you talking about?
20:38Well, I don't want to confuse the child.
20:39Well, it's confusing.
20:40I'm the father.
20:41No, Herman, you're the donor.
20:43You mean I can't even visit?
20:45No, you can't.
20:46Not be a part of his life?
20:51Never see him graduate?
20:54Never take him to a baseball game?
20:58Never cower in the closet with him?
21:02Herman, what's the matter?
21:04I'm sorry, Rebecca.
21:05I can't father a child and just forget about it.
21:08Well, I thought you knew what you were getting into.
21:09Well, I thought the child was going to be mine, too.
21:12I mean, a child needs a father.
21:14I'm not sure I'd agree with that.
21:16Okay, well, my child needs a father.
21:18I couldn't have it any other way.
21:21Isn't that funny?
21:23The same qualities that made me come to you in the first place
21:25just ended up getting in the way.
21:28I'm sorry, Rebecca.
21:30Well, Herman, I really wanted this to work out,
21:32but if it's not right, it's not right.
21:34Thanks for understanding.
21:37See you around, Herman.
21:37Robin Williams, Tom Cruise, U2, Madonna, and many more
21:49for Rock the Boat after an all-new 90210.
21:53Then on Thursday, see how the Simpsons spent their summer vacation
21:56on their season premiere.
21:58Now, stay tuned for the new Fox comedy,
22:00the L.A. Daily News calls one of the funniest shows on TV.
22:03Flying Blind.
22:04That woman's not wearing underwear.
22:22Is that all you can think about?
22:25Food and sex?
22:26Yes.
22:27Please, focus.
22:28Look out!
22:29The L.A. Daily News calls.
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