- 25 minutes ago
While dropping people off on his way home for Christmas Herman's car is stolen with Mr Bracken in it. Heddy and Herman spend Christmas with Louise and her family.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00The city is exciting.
00:02Dangerous.
00:03Trouble.
00:05That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:07Is that all you can think about?
00:09Food and sex?
00:11Yes. Please, focus.
00:13Look out!
00:21Hey, it's Jake!
00:24No time for small talk. We're late.
00:27Petty, hold the elevator.
00:29Petty.
00:37I think Louise is so sweet.
00:39I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:42I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:44And I think you are all idiots.
00:47That's gonna work!
00:58Yeah, Mom, I should be there in plenty of time for dinner.
01:20Yeah, I can't wait either. I'll see you tomorrow.
01:24I love Christmas. Being with family.
01:26Eating turkey.
01:27Being in the house where we grew up.
01:29Eating stuffing.
01:31Seeing Mom and Dad.
01:32Eating leftovers.
01:33Can't you think of anything but food?
01:38Well, I can.
01:39I just think by the time we finish dinner, we'll be a little bloated for sex.
01:42That's all.
01:42I know, Mom, but I can't get out of the city.
01:50Somebody stole something.
01:51They're not letting anybody go until it's returned.
01:54I don't know.
01:56Uh, scarf?
01:58It's a very nice scarf.
02:01Oh, I'm being costed by a mass gunman.
02:03Gotta go.
02:06Louise, is everything all right?
02:07It's fine, Herman. Everything's fine.
02:11Hello, Mother.
02:13Yes, the mass gunman's been taken care of.
02:15Penny castrated him.
02:18No, I can't come home.
02:19I have absolutely no way of getting there.
02:22Oh, oh, it's the bat signal.
02:23Now I really gotta go.
02:26Hey, Louise, if you need to get to Pennsylvania by tomorrow,
02:28I'm driving home to Ohio tonight.
02:30I could drop you off on the way.
02:31I'm not going home, Herman.
02:32I'll take a ride to Baltimore.
02:35That's actually a little out of my way.
02:36Oh, that's okay.
02:40Herman, you rent the car?
02:42Yeah.
02:42Yeah, we're all set.
02:43We're going to be giving Hetty a ride as well.
02:44I should have you in Atlantic City by 10 o'clock.
02:47Excellent, excellent.
02:48I can't wait.
02:48I have a brand new system worked out for blackjack.
02:51Oh, yeah? What is it?
02:52I play three days nonstop, and then, and here's the key,
02:55I bathe.
02:59Why is bathing the key?
03:01Because last time I didn't bathe, and they threw me out.
03:02I know it's the day before the holidays, but let's get our work done.
03:08What are you doing for Christmas, Mr. Bracken?
03:10I've got my turkey TV dinner all ready to go.
03:13I'll be fine.
03:14I'd ask you to join me for Christmas, Mr. Bracken, but...
03:17But what, Hetty?
03:18I'm not going to.
03:21Happy holidays to you too, Hetty.
03:22I think we should invite Mr. Bracken to come home with us.
03:27Are you sure that's a good idea?
03:28What if something terrible happens?
03:30Oh, what could happen?
03:31Well, he could ruin the dinner table conversation.
03:33He could eat all the food.
03:35Those kind of things you had in mind?
03:37Well, I was thinking more along the lines of his going on a murderous rampage.
03:41But those other things sound bad too.
03:44We should at least make the offer.
03:45Fine, but let's make it sound unattractive enough, so he'll refuse.
03:48Let me handle this.
03:50Mr. Bracken, you can come home to Ohio with me.
03:52I'll let you know it's going to be a long, boring drive.
03:55I'm sure you're not interested.
03:57I love long, boring drives.
04:03Sorry, I forgot who I was dealing with.
04:07Well, Louise, everyone has plans.
04:09Are you sure you don't want to ride home to your families?
04:11Every year it's the same thing, Herman.
04:13Every year they drive me nuts.
04:14Why should I put myself through that?
04:16Someday they'll be gone, Louise.
04:18I mean, right now there could be two guys breaking into their house
04:20with chainsaws and shotguns, mowing them down one by one.
04:23Oh, my God.
04:25Oh, my God.
04:26There's no answer.
04:27Oh, dear God.
04:28Please let them be all right.
04:29I promise if they're all right, I'll go home for Christmas.
04:31Hello, Mom.
04:31They're alive.
04:35Well, see you tomorrow.
04:39Great.
04:40You know what?
04:40I think this is going to be fun.
04:46Mark, cut it out.
04:47You cut it out.
04:48What if you cut it out?
04:49Wasn't that the turn?
04:50No, Mr. Bracken, it wasn't.
04:52Neither was the one before or the one before that.
04:54Are we there yet?
04:55No, we're not there yet.
04:56That looked like the turn.
04:57Well, I've been following the route you mapped out.
05:00Don't worry.
05:01Aren't you going a little fast, Herman?
05:03I'm going five miles over the speed limit.
05:06Ow, that hurts.
05:08Go for this.
05:08Both of you, cut it out right now, or I swear I'll turn this car right around.
05:15Oh, that's right.
05:17Oh, my God, hey.
05:20Okay, that's it.
05:21That's it, ladies.
05:23That is it.
05:27Wasn't that the turn?
05:29No, it wasn't.
05:30Are we there yet?
05:31No, we're not.
05:33Louise, could you move a little to your right, please?
05:34I can't see the speedometer.
05:36I am going five miles over the speed limit.
05:40Soon, Jay.
05:41Very soon.
05:43Are we going to deal again?
05:44I need to practice.
05:45I'll deal again, but this time you can't rub me there for luck.
05:51It wasn't for luck.
05:55Good luck, Jay.
05:55Thanks, sir.
05:56Thanks for the ride.
05:57Sure.
05:57Merry Christmas, everybody.
05:58Merry Christmas, Jay.
05:59Be careful, Jay.
06:00You don't want to lose too much.
06:01Thanks, Dad.
06:02I know what I'm doing.
06:03Hey, look.
06:04It's Joan Rivers.
06:05I'm going to go get her autograph.
06:07Louise, that's not Joan Rivers.
06:09That's a cross-dressing male prostitute.
06:12I was wrecking.
06:13How could you tell?
06:15You don't want to know.
06:20I'm wiped out.
06:22You got me?
06:23Yeah.
06:24Lost everything, Herman.
06:25You've got to be kidding.
06:27You've got to lend me some money, please.
06:29Please.
06:31Thanks, Herman.
06:32I don't get it, Jay.
06:33You're in there 30 seconds.
06:34I know.
06:35Thank God for that winning streak at the beginning.
06:40One bottle of beer on the wall.
06:42One bottle of beer.
06:44If one of those bottles could happen to fall.
06:46No bottles of beer on the wall.
06:49One more time.
06:51And you're a dead woman.
06:54Is Bracken still asleep back there?
06:56Yes.
06:56Will you get off of me?
06:58Oh, come on, honey.
07:00It's my birthday.
07:05Okay.
07:06Third house on the right.
07:09Here we are.
07:11Okay, Louise.
07:12Have a great time with your family.
07:16Louise, we're here now.
07:18Louise, get out of the car.
07:20Okay, okay.
07:21Okay, okay.
07:25Poor Louise.
07:26Guys.
07:27She's really embarrassed of her family.
07:29Guys.
07:30I wish there was something we could do to help her with her problems.
07:32Look, we've got bigger problems.
07:33The bladder is falling.
07:34She's going to blow.
07:35Wait, I'm coming with you.
07:39I have to use the bathroom.
07:41I need to use it, too.
07:43What for?
07:45How much detail do you want?
07:47You don't need a bathroom.
07:49There are woods right over there.
07:51Come on, Louise.
07:52It's four in the morning.
07:53Your family is probably still asleep.
07:55Okay.
07:56Here's the drill.
07:57We rush in.
07:58Use the bathroom.
07:59Rush out.
08:00Nobody gets hurt.
08:02Louise, it's just your family.
08:04What are you so worried about?
08:05Trust me, Herman.
08:06You do not want to go in that house.
08:09Second thought, why don't I just hold it till Ohio?
08:13Speak for yourself.
08:14I have to go.
08:15You're fine.
08:15What about Mr. Bracken?
08:16Forget Mr. Bracken.
08:17Let's just go.
08:24Okay, the bathroom's over here.
08:27Now, please, be very, very quiet.
08:31Louise!
08:34Everybody, Louise is here.
08:36Oh, my God.
08:37They're up in the bathroom.
08:38Quick, quick, quick.
08:39Go, go, go, go.
08:40I'll see you.
08:41Louise!
08:41Quiet!
08:42Nobody says a word until the strangers in the bathroom are gone.
08:47Louise.
08:47One of the strangers.
08:48Nobody move.
08:49One, Herman, watch.
08:50Teddy and I can't use the bathroom at the same time.
08:53Why not?
08:55All right, we could, but we'd rather not.
08:57Okay.
08:59Down the hall.
09:00Don't look at them.
09:01Just avert your eyes.
09:03Louise, honey, it's not...
09:04Why are you people zooming up?
09:05Well, we were wrapping presents, and your father lost.
09:08His teeth.
09:09So we had to unwrap them all to find the teeth, and turns out they were in his mouth all the time.
09:14It's always the last place you'll look.
09:17Okay, Louise.
09:18Hi.
09:19Oh, please, I'm begging you.
09:20Don't say a word until strangers leave.
09:22Quiet as a mouse.
09:24Don't pay any attention to him.
09:25He always uses cliches.
09:26What?
09:27Quiet as a mouse?
09:27Everybody says that.
09:29Everybody says everything he says.
09:31Can't teach an old dog new tricks.
09:37My God, the car is gone.
09:40Where's Crazy Phil?
09:43He's gone with the wind.
09:46Louise, what's going on?
09:48My cousin, Crazy Phil, stole your car.
09:50Why?
09:52Why?
09:52He's crazy.
09:53Why do you think we call him Crazy Phil?
09:58Oh, my God, Mr. Bracken.
10:04Well, I guess your friends are just going to be stuck here for a little while.
10:12Well, I begged you to go in the woods.
10:20Phil will be back, won't he?
10:22Eventually.
10:23He knows if he's late getting back to the institutions,
10:25they'll revoke his finger-painting privileges.
10:29Well, where does he go on these trips?
10:31Wherever the open road takes him.
10:33Well, there must be some other way for us to continue on.
10:46Can we rent another car around here anywhere?
10:47Maybe take a bus?
10:49I'm afraid not.
10:49It's Christmas and everything's going to be closed.
10:52That's the way the cookie crumbles.
10:56You're right.
10:56It is kind of spooky.
10:58Louise, would you like to introduce us to the strangers?
11:02Oh.
11:03Herman, Hedy, this is my mom and my dad.
11:07Hi.
11:07And my sister, Martha.
11:09Hedy, it's nice to meet you.
11:11I envy you.
11:12I've always wanted to castrate a masked gunman.
11:17Yeah, well, you're still young.
11:22Fasten your seatbelts.
11:23It's going to be a bumpy night.
11:26Louise, I think you're overreacting.
11:27It's not that bad.
11:30You like opera, Herman?
11:31That was very nice.
11:40You want to hear some more?
11:41No, no, no.
11:42I think opera is best in small doses.
11:45Ah, jerky?
11:48Beg your pardon?
11:49Jerky.
11:50I make it myself in my dehydrator.
11:52Oh, no, it's four in the morning.
11:55Oh.
11:56Shh.
11:57Sleep.
11:57Everybody get their butts in bed.
12:00In the morning, we can visit.
12:02It'll be lovely.
12:03If you're good, I'll leave a little jerky on your pillows.
12:10Louise.
12:11Come sunrise, we have to get out of here.
12:18Okay.
12:19Okay.
12:19I'm dipping into my life savings here.
12:21Oh, man.
12:22I was saving this money for an emergency.
12:24Oh, to hell with it.
12:24To hell with it.
12:25This is an emergency.
12:27I am due.
12:27I am due, sir.
12:28I pumped over $100 into that slot machine.
12:32Or was it that one?
12:34Yay!
12:35I can't believe it.
12:36I burned water, and I hit the damp part.
12:39Hold on, hold on, hold on.
12:41It was that one.
12:49Good for me.
12:51I'm almost ready.
12:53Don't start without me.
12:55Herman.
12:57Rise and shine.
13:01Herman, do you have a girlfriend?
13:04No.
13:05Now, can I go back to sleep for just two more minutes?
13:09A handsome young boy like you with no girlfriend?
13:12Is something wrong with you?
13:15Not if I get those two more minutes.
13:18You know, Martha, here's the second runner-up for Miss Liberty Bell.
13:21Go put on the red dress, dear.
13:22It looks so nice on you.
13:24Yes, Mother.
13:26I don't eat breakfast.
13:28Get away from me with that jerky.
13:30Waste not, what not.
13:31What not.
13:32Daddy, leave her alone, please.
13:34Jerky?
13:36Oh, thank you.
13:40Hey, this is pretty good.
13:42It's made out of clams.
13:45Clam jerky.
13:45Look, I'm getting out of here.
13:49I'll be damned if I'm spending my Christmas trapped in this God-forstaken backwards hellhole.
13:54No offense.
13:55I love what you've done with the plague.
13:58Kitty, I don't want to stay with these people any more than you do, but what are we going to do?
14:01We don't have a car.
14:02I'll get us a car.
14:03Someone point me in the direction of a phone.
14:05Oh, it's right over there, dear.
14:06Hey, guess what I just heard on the police scanner?
14:09Phil is leading the police on a high-speed chase.
14:12I hope Mr. Bracken is okay.
14:15Oh, don't worry.
14:16That Phil is an excellent driver.
14:24Herman, come over here.
14:26Now, isn't that better, Herman?
14:28Mother, don't do this to Herman.
14:30Louise, don't interfere.
14:32You're the one who's interfering.
14:33Why can't you leave people alone?
14:35I know what this is really about, but you've had plenty of cracks at Herman, and if you couldn't land him by now, there's no reason not to give Martha a shot.
14:44Herman, you're not gay, are you, dear?
14:48No.
14:48Because I've got a nephew, you know.
14:51I think you'd really like him.
14:53I'm not gay.
14:54You hear that, Martha?
14:57I'm going to go check on things in the kitchen.
14:59Louise, come help me.
15:00You kids visit.
15:05Hi.
15:08Herman.
15:09No way.
15:10Uh-uh.
15:10Not going to do it.
15:12We must be nice.
15:14I'll handle this.
15:15I think you look better in the red dress.
15:20That wasn't nice at all.
15:22No, but it certainly was effective.
15:27Well, Mr. Fitzger, how are you?
15:28Turkey?
15:30Oh, thanks.
15:30You know, that stuff is not bad.
15:32Oh, this is different.
15:33Out with the old him or the new.
15:34It doesn't tickle your fancy.
15:36What is it?
15:37It's an experimental jerky I've been working on.
15:39Can you guess what it is?
15:41I'll give you a hint.
15:42It's a part of the cow no one ever thought to eat before.
15:45Oh, yes.
15:49Herman, look at these zucchini sticks Martha prepared.
15:52She's just a whiz in the kitchen.
15:54Would you like me to dehydrate those for you?
15:56They'll keep forever.
15:57No, thank you.
15:59Give him some zucchini sticks, Martha.
16:00Don't you dare eat that food.
16:02I gotta eat it.
16:04If we take something from Martha, it'll hurt Louise's feelings.
16:07Look, all we've had is clam jerky and some part of the cow nobody's ever eaten before.
16:11I gotta have something.
16:13He's running muck.
16:14Better put him down.
16:15I've got him.
16:16I've got him.
16:16I've got him.
16:23No, thank you.
16:24You're right.
16:25This is garbage.
16:27Martha, tap shoes.
16:30Louise, come chop beets with your mother.
16:32Go ahead, Louise.
16:33All right.
16:35Louise, have you thought about bleaching the hair on your arms?
16:40What kind of a question is that?
16:42Mother, have you thought about shaving your head?
16:45Many times, but at the last minute, I always chicken out.
16:50Well, I'm not gonna bleach my arm hairs.
16:53I think I'm fine.
16:58Ladies and gentlemen, may I present that tapping dynamo, Martha Fitzer.
17:09Dance, Martha.
17:10Dance for all your worries.
17:12Prove those doctors wrong.
17:13I hate it when she shows off like that.
17:24What's going on?
17:26The sister is tap dancing.
17:28No kidding.
17:28That turns me on.
17:29Let's pop the sister.
17:31Absolutely not.
17:32Either I'm eating or I'm popping.
17:34Or I'm sleeping.
17:35I think we found his soft spot.
17:44Let's go get the batons.
17:46Come on, Louise.
17:47Lighten up.
17:48You've got a really fun family here.
17:50I'd rather be in the car with Crazy Phil.
18:02Louise, I found this for you.
18:05Mother, I am not gonna bleach my arm hairs.
18:09You have had a real bee in your bonnet ever since you got here.
18:12What's wrong with you?
18:13Maybe this would be a good time for me to call my parents and tell them I'm not gonna make it.
18:17You are what's wrong with me.
18:19You are embarrassing me in front of my friends.
18:23I'm sorry you feel that way.
18:25I was just giving you helpful hints because I love you and care about you.
18:30Now, I'm gonna go check on dinner.
18:31Why don't you go take care of that hair on your arm?
18:35I'm glad we had this talk.
18:41Where are you going?
18:42I am gonna wait on the front porch until this nightmare of a holiday is over.
18:46Louise, wait.
18:48Do you notice I've got these people as your parents?
18:51Everyone is embarrassed by their parents now and then.
18:54Are you?
18:55Louise, my mother hasn't changed her hairstyle since Eisenhower was in office.
18:59She looks like she's got a cake on her head.
19:04And my father is a tire salesman.
19:06He can talk for hours about tires.
19:08He never tires of tires.
19:11That's his favorite joke, Louise.
19:13I've heard it 6,200 times.
19:16You know what he's looking forward to?
19:18Retiring.
19:18That's his second favorite joke.
19:21It's cold, Herman.
19:22Get to the point.
19:24The point is, they drive me crazy, but I love them.
19:28I know they're not going to change.
19:31The only thing my father's gonna change is a flat tire.
19:34That's his third favorite joke.
19:35So you mean my parents aren't that strange?
19:39Oh, no.
19:40No, they're out there.
19:42But they love you very much.
19:45Is it so bad?
19:45Is it not worth seeing them a few times a year?
19:49Oh, hi there.
19:51How's Daddy's little girl?
19:54Bright as rain, Daddy.
19:58The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
20:01As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.
20:04What the hell is that supposed to mean?
20:08I don't know.
20:14Thanks to your father, Christmas dinner's gonna be a little different this year.
20:20What the hell is that?
20:21Turkey jerky.
20:24What we don't eat this year, we can have next year.
20:27Now, who would like to say grace?
20:29Hetty, how about you?
20:31Lord, thank you for the food that we're about to eat, and thank you for the fact that soon
20:39I will leave this place and never have to come back here again, whereas this is actually
20:43their life.
20:45Thank you, Hetty.
20:46That was lovely.
20:48Mr. and Mrs. Stitzer, I just wanted to thank you for your hospitality.
20:52I just hope my family is having a good Christmas.
20:54I want to thank you for sharing your Christmas with me.
20:58I'm sorry your son couldn't be here, but I'm sure Herman is having a fine time at Louise's.
21:05I want to thank Phil for driving it to a safe place.
21:10May I make a toast?
21:12To Officer Dooley for allowing us to eat dinner before booking us.
21:15I'm glad my family is all together, and I'm especially happy Louise came down from New
21:22York to visit.
21:24And I want you to know, though you may not care for the way I show it, I really do love
21:28you.
21:33I just wanted to thank Herman for talking me into coming here.
21:37I'm glad I have two parents who love me and care about me, and live hundreds of miles
21:41away.
21:42Oh, thank you, sir.
22:03You're very kind.
22:03Merry Christmas.
22:04Yes, this is going to change my luck.
22:06I'm going to build this up right back on top.
22:12Wednesday on 90210, when his past comes back to haunt him, Steve decides to leave Beverly
22:32Hills.
22:33Hi, Dave McCall from WPR-RFM here.
22:37Flying Blind, followed by Whoop, up next on Fox TV 8.
22:41It's all the Ben Stiller show at its new time.
22:42One half hour from now.
22:44Flying Blind is next.
22:45Amor white, what's going to happen.
22:49Right.
22:50—
22:51Right.
22:51Huh, the gelir banks.
22:52We'll see you next time.
22:53Hangar...
22:53...
22:54...
22:54...
22:55...
22:55...
Be the first to comment