- 4 hours ago
Louise sets Herman up on a blind date with one of her friends.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00He is exciting.
00:02Dangerous.
00:03Trouble.
00:05That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:07Is that all you can think about?
00:09Food and sex?
00:11Yes.
00:12Please, focus.
00:13Look out!
00:20Hey, it's Jack!
00:24No time for small talk, we're late.
00:27Hey, hold the elevator.
00:29Teddy.
00:37I think Louise is so sweet.
00:39I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:42I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:44And I think you are all idiots.
00:47That's gonna work!
00:58Trust me, he's very cute and you're really gonna like him.
01:12Trust me, he's very cute and you're really gonna like him.
01:25Yes.
01:25So his name is Herman.
01:28No, I'm not joking.
01:29That's really his name, Herman.
01:32Louise, is that a personal phone call?
01:34No, sir.
01:35It's a research question.
01:37Herman.
01:37Herman Melville.
01:38He wrote Moby Dick and Billy Budd.
01:42Born in 1819 and died in 1891.
01:45So do you want to go out with him?
01:49Great, I'll set it up.
01:53I'm disappointed in you, Louise.
01:55I'm sorry, Mr. Bracken.
01:56If you're gonna set someone up, why not me?
01:58Oh, I guess it's because you think I'm nothing but a bitter old crap hound.
02:07This is the part where you say,
02:09Oh, no, not you, Mr. Bracken.
02:12Oh, no, not you, Mr. Bracken.
02:17Morning, everyone.
02:18Herman, guess what?
02:19I have a friend.
02:21Oh, good for you, Louise.
02:23No, no, I have lots of friends.
02:25I mean, I have a friend I want to set you up with.
02:27Are you interested?
02:28Oh, no, blind date?
02:30I hate blind dates.
02:31Don't you remember the last blind date we were on?
02:35You know what I really like?
02:38No, tell me.
02:40Watching two guys get it on.
02:44Next place.
02:48So we had bad luck once.
02:49I don't care.
02:50I need a woman.
02:51We haven't had sex in a long time.
02:53Well, what about when we...
02:55That doesn't count.
02:56Look, we have been on a cold streak lately.
03:00A blind date may be the best way to meet someone.
03:02Wait, we should ask Louise what our friend is like.
03:04Is she sweet?
03:05Is she kind?
03:05Is she a good person?
03:06Yeah, because if Louise says yes, we know she's a bowser.
03:09Thanks for the idea.
03:10I hate having my work used for evil.
03:13Yes.
03:14You and Oppenheimer.
03:18Well, I don't expect you people to get it, but every once in a while I just have to throw
03:22it in there for myself.
03:25Oppenheimer.
03:25All right, Louise.
03:29I'll give it a try.
03:30Oh, great.
03:30I happen to know she's free tonight after work.
03:33Tonight's fine.
03:33Good, good.
03:34I'll set it up.
03:35Herb, great news.
03:36I'm setting up a poker game for tonight.
03:38Gonna be a lot of high rollers.
03:39Big stakes.
03:40Good way to meet people who can help your career, you know?
03:42Yeah?
03:42Who's gonna be there?
03:43So far, there's you and me.
03:46Can't make it, Jerry.
03:47Well, that leaves me.
03:49And I gotta cut out early.
03:50Well, I'll play poker.
03:54Oh, I didn't know you liked poker, Hetty.
03:56Oh, what's not to like?
03:57You cheat and bluff and take money from men.
03:59Just like dating.
04:02You guys are going to play poker?
04:04I want to play.
04:05I want to play.
04:05I want to play.
04:07Well, do you know how to play poker?
04:09Of course I do.
04:10I know all the games.
04:11There's walk the dog and around the world and rock the baby.
04:16Louise, those are yo-yo tricks.
04:19Oh.
04:20No wonder I lost so much money in Vegas.
04:24Yeah.
04:25It's turning into one hell of a game, isn't it?
04:27Game?
04:27What game?
04:28They're putting together a poker game for tonight.
04:30Sounds good to me.
04:31I don't mean to brag, but I was quite a poker player in my day.
04:34And I got my wife's alimony money burning a hole in my pocket.
04:39Who's playing?
04:40Uh, Louise, Hetty, and myself.
04:42But I should tell you now, Louise has no idea how to play.
04:44Hetty thinks it's like dating and I gotta leave early.
04:47I'd probably have something better to do
04:49if I weren't such a bitter old crap hound.
04:52Oh, no, not you, Mr. Brackett.
05:05Hey.
05:06Yeah, I thought you had your poker game tonight.
05:08Yeah, I got a few minutes.
05:09I wanted to check out this woman Louise fixed you up with.
05:11How do you know each other?
05:13Well, Louise showed her my picture at lunch.
05:15It's up to her to find me.
05:16Oh, well, wait a minute.
05:17She got to see a picture and you didn't?
05:19Oh, I don't like it, Harmon.
05:20She knows you're cute.
05:21You got no confirmation on her.
05:22Jay, I don't know what difference it's gonna make.
05:24You think I'm cute?
05:28Yeah.
05:29You know, in a boyish kind of way.
05:32I never knew you thought that.
05:34Thanks, man.
05:37So, think I'm good looking or what?
05:44This is really getting weird.
05:45Can we change the subject?
05:46Yeah, you're right.
05:47God, just forget the whole thing.
05:51No, I can't just forget it.
05:52Are you saying my face is ugly or does my body turn you off?
05:56Jay, I think you're really very handsome.
06:00All right, you feel better?
06:01No, because I'd have to ask you to say it doesn't count.
06:04Jay, sorry.
06:06Never mind.
06:07What were we talking about?
06:08Blind date.
06:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:09This is what I think we should do.
06:10When she comes up and introduces herself, if she's an uggo,
06:13I'll make like I'm violently ill, you got to rush me to the hospital.
06:17I don't think that's really going to be nasty.
06:20Whoa, you'll thank me later.
06:25Oh, Harmon, I'm dying.
06:26Oh, you got to rush me to the hospital.
06:27Oh, the pain.
06:29Oh, the pain.
06:30Oh.
06:30Jay, Jay.
06:32It wasn't her.
06:37Stay away from the tuna.
06:41I'm really not worried.
06:42Louise assured me Ellen is very pretty.
06:44Yeah, but Louise is a girl, you know.
06:47Whoa, maybe that's her, huh?
06:50Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
06:52Really?
06:53Yes, yes, yes.
06:55Oh.
06:58Whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:59Danger at 10 o'clock.
07:02Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
07:07Oh.
07:10Well, don't worry, I just would have done the sick thing again.
07:13Whatever she looks like, don't...
07:15Herman?
07:16Ellen?
07:16Yes, hi.
07:17It's nice to meet you.
07:18Hi.
07:19Hi, Ellen.
07:19Uh, this is my friend Jay.
07:21Hi.
07:21Nice to meet you.
07:22Well, I guess I'll be going now, Herm.
07:26It's okay, Jay.
07:27I think she's cute.
07:28Jay.
07:29Jay, stop it.
07:32I'm joking.
07:33I knew it.
07:34He's joking.
07:35I'm not joking.
07:36I'm joking.
07:41Thanks a lot.
07:41He's, uh, a friend of mine.
07:47So you're Herman.
07:48So you're Ellen.
07:49Hair?
07:50Excellent.
07:52Face?
07:53Excellent.
07:54Let's check out the body.
07:55All right, but let me handle this.
07:56It requires a certain amount of subtlety.
07:58That wasn't very subtle.
08:04I'm sorry.
08:05It's just one of those guy things.
08:07It's okay.
08:08You want me to turn around?
08:10Yeah, if you don't mind.
08:11Okay.
08:14Okay.
08:15Your turn.
08:17No, really.
08:17Let's check it out.
08:26So what'd you think?
08:29I'll get back to you.
08:32All right, but I have to tell you,
08:33my friend Jay thinks I'm pretty cute.
08:37I like her.
08:39She does seem quite sharp.
08:40What do you think of her?
08:41No beers.
08:43What?
08:44I don't have to have any beers
08:46to want to have sex with this woman.
08:57That's how you judge women.
08:59How many beers it takes
09:00before you want to sleep with them.
09:02You've got a better system.
09:05So, what do you do for a living?
09:06I'm an office manager
09:07for an insurance company.
09:09That's a good sign.
09:10We don't have to be embarrassed
09:10about our boring job.
09:12Her sounds even more boring.
09:14I thought my job was boring
09:15until I found out
09:16what Louise does for a living.
09:18Imagine being a fact checker.
09:19So, where do you know Louise from?
09:23We live in the same building.
09:26Really?
09:27I live in Louise's building, too.
09:28I've never seen you.
09:30Did I say we live in the same building?
09:32I mean, we grew up
09:33in the same hometown.
09:35I grew up with Louise.
09:36I don't remember ever seeing you.
09:38All right, all right.
09:39I'm a fact checker, damn it.
09:43God, now she thinks
09:44we're a chronic liar.
09:45Let's change the subject.
09:47Let's talk about something
09:47completely different.
09:49Wait, wait, wait.
09:51What's that whistle?
09:53Oh, my God.
09:53I think that's coming
09:54from inside our nose.
09:57Don't worry.
09:58Whatever's making that noise,
09:59I'll get it.
10:01No, no, no.
10:01Wait, wait.
10:02I think we have to get this one
10:04from the outside.
10:07Actually, I think
10:08fact checking
10:10could be pretty interesting.
10:11You get to read information
10:13on all kinds of subjects
10:14and it must be a great way
10:17to get entry into the
10:18magazine business.
10:22Great.
10:23Now we're making her
10:23feel self-conscious.
10:25Can we just get it already?
10:28I'll bet a lot of fact checkers
10:29turn out to be great writers.
10:32Ah, got it.
10:35But where is it?
10:37It's on your eyebrow.
10:51Oh.
10:54Look, we are dying here.
10:56Talk about something exciting.
10:57All right.
10:58Now we have to find
10:59the common bond.
11:00Let's bring up something
11:01that we like
11:02and that she likes too.
11:03What do we like?
11:04What do we like?
11:05Women.
11:05But what makes you think
11:06that she likes women too?
11:08Call me a cockeyed optimist.
11:10Look, look.
11:11We have to think about
11:12something that isn't controversial.
11:14Let's talk about the weather.
11:15Oh, God, no.
11:16We start discussing
11:17the weather on a date
11:18as a death knell.
11:19It means there's
11:19nothing left to say.
11:21So how about that rain
11:22we've been having?
11:22It's been such a cold rain.
11:26Well, it's not just the cold.
11:27It's the wind chill factor.
11:29Yeah.
11:30Wind chill.
11:32See, this weather thing
11:33is working like a charm.
11:34Oh, yeah.
11:36Look, we had a real hot summer.
11:38Well, it wasn't so much
11:39the heat.
11:40It was the humidity.
11:42Well, where's our food?
11:44We haven't ordered yet.
11:46Oh, dear God.
11:47Hi, folks.
11:55Can you at least wait
11:56until I finish dealing?
11:57Sorry.
12:00Hi, folks.
12:03Louise, you have folded
12:04every hand.
12:06That's because I know
12:06I'm going to lose.
12:08Louise, as a seasoned
12:09poker player, I can tell you
12:10it's no fun if you don't play.
12:12But you're playing
12:12and you're not having any fun.
12:14You're getting cleaned out.
12:17Look, I'm just having
12:18the worst luck of my life.
12:21Ooh, maybe I can win.
12:22I got a great hand here.
12:23I'll take five.
12:25You can't take five.
12:26Okay, then I fold.
12:28Just take two
12:29and do your best, okay?
12:30All right.
12:32Ooh.
12:34Don't get your hopes up, Louise.
12:36Two for the man
12:37whose luck is about to change.
12:38One.
12:39And two for the dealer.
12:41Oh, I'll bet one.
12:42I'll see you
12:43and raise you five.
12:45I'll take your bluff
12:46and I'll call.
12:47Come in.
12:47Oh, what the heck?
12:49Read them and weep, suckers.
12:51That's not very nice,
12:52Mr. Bracken.
12:54Louise, that's just poker talk.
12:56Any real poker player
12:57knows it's just part of the game.
13:01Three tens.
13:02Okay.
13:03Read them and weep, sucker.
13:04Three queens.
13:09Did I say it wrong?
13:11Just deal.
13:12Actually, I think I'm just going to take my winnings
13:16and go home.
13:17Yeah, me too.
13:18I think I've won enough money from Mr. Bracken.
13:21Nobody moves.
13:22What?
13:23It's impolite to win
13:24and just leave without giving me a chance
13:26to win it back.
13:27We are staying here and playing
13:29until my luck changes.
13:31Are we talking about your luck just in cards
13:34or also in your personal life
13:35which has been going so badly lately?
13:39Just cards.
13:40Well, what about your luck
13:41in your professional life
13:42because that's been pretty lousy too
13:44since Mr. Decker came...
13:45Just cards.
13:47Hey, what about your luck with haircuts
13:49because after that last one...
13:50Just cards!
13:51My luck is about to change.
13:56I'm both.
13:57Me too.
13:57I'm out.
14:02I think when you have a low-pressure system
14:04colliding with a high-pressure system
14:06that forms the tropical depression.
14:08Unless, of course, you're not in the tropics.
14:10Well, then you have either a high-pressure front
14:12or a low-pressure system.
14:15What the hell are you doing?
14:17Why do you keep coming back to the weather?
14:19You're boring her to death.
14:20Well, we've talked about where she's from,
14:22what she does for a living,
14:23her brothers, her sisters.
14:24I'm all out of first-date small talk.
14:25I've got something to talk about.
14:28Trust me, it's a good line.
14:29Oh, radishes make me gassy.
14:40I don't know.
14:41I liked it.
14:43I guess you're all out of first-date small talk.
14:46Yeah.
14:47Yeah.
14:47Oh, wait a minute.
14:47Um, how about those nicks?
14:49Okay, now I'm all out of first-date small talk.
14:51Do you like basketball?
14:52I love basketball.
14:54You do?
14:55You mean all this time I've been talking about the weather,
14:57I could have been talking about basketball?
14:59Well, actually, we could have been talking about
15:00any one of a number of things.
15:02I guess I've been kind of making an ass out of myself.
15:05No, you just seem nervous.
15:07I find it kind of charming.
15:09Why don't we get out of here?
15:11Great, let's take her home.
15:12No, no, we have to suggest something classy
15:15with no sexual overtones.
15:17We could go have drinks at the top of the World Trade Center,
15:20or get some dessert in Little Italy,
15:22or go back to my place.
15:24How would you say that?
15:28I told you not to say that!
15:32Your place sounds great.
15:35Good.
15:36Good.
15:37Good.
15:37Good.
15:38Good.
15:38Good.
15:39Good.
15:40Good.
15:40Good.
15:44You sure you're okay?
15:52Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry I ran.
15:54I thought he was holding a gun in his hand.
15:56I wish to God it was a gun.
15:59Oh, where's that ice cream you promised me?
16:01You like mint chocolate chip?
16:03I love it.
16:05Well, that's too bad,
16:06because all I've got is this freezer-burned vanilla.
16:08Oh, wait a minute.
16:09Here's some strawberry.
16:11All right, now we're cooking.
16:13Time to get out the chocolate sauce.
16:15Uh, but we don't like chocolate sauce
16:17on strawberry ice cream.
16:18There's ice cream?
16:22Look, we can't rush things.
16:25We have to read the signals,
16:27take things one step at a time,
16:28see how they develop.
16:29Signals?
16:29I don't know anything about signals.
16:30Give me a hand here.
16:32Well, what's in it for me?
16:33I'll pay it.
16:34200 brain bucks.
16:37You've got a deal.
16:38I can't believe you're gonna work for him.
16:41Hey, a brain buck is a brain buck.
16:44Let me show you something from high school.
16:46Oh, Herman, that's okay.
16:47You don't have to try to impress me
16:48with your high school yearbooks and trophies.
16:50No, no, it's this.
16:56Do you have any yearbooks or trophies?
16:59I'm sorry.
17:00I don't know why I did that.
17:02Herman, it's okay.
17:05You don't have to try this hard.
17:07I really like you.
17:08She's touching her hand.
17:09What does that mean?
17:10It means it's a signal.
17:11Oh, can we sleep with her now?
17:15Not yet.
17:16Oh, I feel her leg under the table.
17:18Oh, we've achieved footsie.
17:21I'm getting really excited.
17:23She has a very hard leg.
17:26Wait a minute, you moron.
17:27That's a table leg.
17:30Oddly enough, I'm still getting very excited.
17:34Let's get her to the couch.
17:35You know how to do that.
17:36Uh, actually, that's not included
17:37in the overall 200 brain buck package.
17:40All right, all right.
17:41Here, 50 more.
17:42Now get her to the couch.
17:43To the couch.
17:44This is tricky.
17:45Why don't we sit on the couch?
17:46Okay.
17:46All right, this is going much better
17:50than I expected.
17:51Here's a little something for yourself.
17:54Mind if I make myself more comfortable?
17:57Mind?
17:57I prefer it.
17:58Hey, she's taking off her shoes.
18:00Now that's a signal.
18:02Well, it either means she wants
18:03to get naked with us
18:04or she has a hammered toe
18:05and her feet are killing her.
18:07Either way, we're a winner.
18:09Should I put on some music
18:10or the TV or something?
18:12No.
18:12It feels nice just sitting here.
18:14Yes, it does.
18:17We've achieved the hand sandwich.
18:19Come on, Akehead.
18:20We're going to kiss her.
18:21Whoa, wait.
18:22Don't you think it's a little early
18:23to try and kiss her?
18:24Oh, give me some credit.
18:25We'll do the slow move-in.
18:27If she doesn't execute
18:28a reciprocal slow move-in,
18:30we'll pull back instantly.
18:31Oh, my God.
18:47She's going to steal our shirt.
18:50You idiots.
18:51We've entered foreplay.
18:53Prepare to reciprocate.
18:57Herman, I'm sorry.
18:59I can't do this.
19:01I should just go.
19:02No, no, it's okay.
19:03I'm sorry.
19:04I didn't mean you...
19:04No, no, it's okay.
19:05It's not you.
19:06It's me.
19:07I'll give you a call or something.
19:10Oh, well, what happened?
19:13Hand touch, hand sandwich,
19:15shirt unbuttoning.
19:16I don't understand
19:17what went wrong.
19:18Oh, no.
19:18We came on too strong.
19:20Oh, I feel awful.
19:21You feel awful.
19:23Well, it's good for me.
19:25How was that good for you?
19:27We still have our shirt,
19:28don't we?
19:28I'm sorry about this,
19:36but it's raining out pretty hard.
19:38Can I use your phone
19:39to call a cab?
19:39You're all wet, of course.
19:41Can I get you a towel or something?
19:42Yeah, a towel would be nice.
19:44Um, I don't know what happened.
19:47I wouldn't have done
19:48what I was doing,
19:49but I thought I was getting
19:49all the signals.
19:50You know, the touch on the hand.
19:52The hand sandwich, I know.
19:54It's not your fault.
19:56I thought I wanted things
19:57to be going the way
19:57they were going,
19:58and then suddenly
19:58it just didn't seem right.
20:00It's okay.
20:01We don't have to do anything.
20:02I like being with you.
20:04I just don't feel ready
20:05to make love.
20:06We don't have to.
20:07I better call that cab,
20:14but I don't want to leave.
20:17So don't?
20:19Do you don't mind if I stay?
20:22You mean sleep here?
20:23Yeah.
20:25Oh.
20:26Well, yeah.
20:27Yeah, sure.
20:28Yeah, I can take the couch
20:29and you can have the bed.
20:30No, no.
20:30Let's sleep together.
20:31I mean, without sleeping together.
20:34Can that be done?
20:37Sure.
20:38We can just hold each other
20:39and talk.
20:41Okay.
20:42Hold each other and talk?
20:43It's bad enough
20:46we have to do it after.
20:47Now we have to do it instead of?
20:55So, shall we get ready for bed?
20:58Is this going to be weird for you?
20:59Very weird.
21:01And very nice.
21:13How are you feeling?
21:17Great.
21:18How about you?
21:19Great.
21:20Great, considering this is
21:21the strangest date I've ever had.
21:23Me too.
21:26And the nicest.
21:28And the nicest.
21:32That was great.
21:34I have to admit,
21:35I rather enjoyed that.
21:36And I feel wonderful.
21:39Maybe we don't need sex.
21:40Maybe what we need
21:41is precisely what we got.
21:46I'm perfectly delighted
21:49for evening had by all.
21:51We should do this all the time.
21:53You guys are the best.
21:54I don't know.
21:55Don't touch me.
21:55Don't touch me.
21:56Don't touch me.
21:56What you got there, Hiddy?
22:13What you got there, Hiddy?
22:16Ha!
22:16I beat ya.
22:18How about you, Jay?
22:19Oh, I beat you.
22:24What about you, Louise?
22:25What's that you say?
22:27You raise me.
22:30All right.
22:31I call ya.
22:32Ha!
22:33Ha!
22:34Sure, maybe you got him.
22:41Damn!
22:41I call ya.
22:41I call ya.
22:42Ha!
22:42Ha!
22:43Ha!
22:43Ha!
22:43Ha!
22:43Ha!
22:44Ha!
22:44Ha!
22:45Ha!
22:45Ha!
22:46Ha!
22:46Ha!
22:46Ha!
22:47Ha!
22:47Ha!
22:47Ha!
22:47Ha!
22:48Ha!
22:48Ha!
22:48Ha!
22:48Ha!
22:48Ha!
22:48Ha!
22:49Ha!
22:49Ha!
22:49Ha!
22:50Ha!
22:50Ha!
22:51Ha!
22:51Ha!
22:52Ha!
22:52Ha!
22:52Ha!
22:53Ha! Ha!
Be the first to comment