- 4 weeks ago
Herman and Jay fight over a princess.
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00:00This is Herman Brooks. Herman is just like the rest of us. Every day he has to make all kinds of decisions. Like what to wear, whom to date, and when to panic.
00:20Now, these decisions should be easy, but if you take a look inside Herman's head, you'll see why he sometimes has trouble making up his mind.
00:31I'm Herman's intellect. Without me, he couldn't hold his job, pay his rent, or tie his shoes.
00:37I'm Herman's sensitivity. Without me, he wouldn't feel tenderness, honesty, or love. The good things in life.
00:43I'm Herman's anxiety, and I keep him out of trouble. And believe me, there's trouble everywhere.
00:49I'm Herman's lust. Without me, he'd miss out on all the good stuff. You know, fun, food, things.
00:55Sometimes they agree. Usually they don't. But this struggle is going on inside all of us. And it's all going on inside Herman's head.
01:19What a subway ride. It's all those people pushing, shoving, cramming their sweaty bodies against mine.
01:30I have no idea what you're talking about, Herman, but I hope you were wearing a condom.
01:35Eddie, Louise, I'd like to see your mouth.
01:39Eddie, Louise, you're both women.
01:46I knew he'd find out.
01:48What I mean is, you know what a woman wants, right?
01:53Who told you that? I've never been with another woman.
01:56Except that one weekend at Smith's.
02:02Perhaps I've said too much.
02:05As you know, my wife and I are having marital problems.
02:08I need the name of a good divorce lawyer to stick it to the bitch, huh?
02:14I know what you're trying to say, Mr. Bracken.
02:16You want to know what it is you can do to show her you care.
02:19We're talking about sex, aren't we, Mr. Bracken?
02:23No, Eddie, we are talking about intimacy, tenderness, sharing and communication, right, Mr. Bracken?
02:28No, Louise, I'm afraid it's what she said.
02:33Okay, how many times a week do you have sex?
02:36A week?
02:40That answers my question, your witness.
02:43Okay, how many times a week do you tell her you love her?
02:46A week?
02:49All right, here's what you gotta do. You gotta do something special for her.
02:52That's what I'm talking about.
02:53It's time to spice up your sex life.
02:55Mr. Bracken, let me ask you one key question.
02:58Do you own a matador's outfit?
03:02Help me, Louise.
03:04Mr. Bracken, you have to talk to her.
03:06And more important, you have to listen to her when she talks to you.
03:09The fact is, most men don't listen to a thing women say.
03:13I'm sorry, I didn't get that last part.
03:15Herman, Jay Nichols is a dead man.
03:19Jay, if you know they're married, why do you continue to go out with them?
03:22Because they're horny and desperate, but this is something else.
03:26I just promised my editor an exclusive interview with Princess Jillian.
03:29Oh, I hear she never talks to the press.
03:31She doesn't.
03:32Herm, I haven't had a story published in months, but something really big is up with her, and if I can find out what, put me right back on top.
03:37So, how are you gonna get to her?
03:39Well, that's where you come in, man.
03:40Now, you once told me you knew a waiter that worked at the Plaza Hotel.
03:42Well, the princess is attending a charity ball there.
03:44Now, all we gotta do is get your friend to let us into the kitchen and, uh, bingo.
03:48Great idea, Lucy.
03:49Now go get Fred and Ethel and meet me at the club.
03:53Herman, please, I'm begging you.
03:55All right, uh, you do this for me, I'll even share my byline with you.
04:00Did he say byline?
04:02Byline?
04:03No, he said married women are horny and desperate.
04:08He's just using us.
04:09Why is it whenever we do something with Jay, we always have to sneak in through the kitchen?
04:14Sharing his byline could be our big chance.
04:16If we can get this story, it'll be picked up by every news service in the country who'll be a star.
04:22Charity ball, huh?
04:23Will they have those little hot dogs wrapped in bacon?
04:25I love those.
04:26I could eat 50 of them right now.
04:30All right, Jay, I'll do it.
04:31Thank you, thank you.
04:32Mwah!
04:33You won't regret this, Herm.
04:35First I take off all my clothes, then I put on some horns, I paw the ground a couple of times, and then I chase them around the room.
04:44Olay!
04:45If you do it right.
04:46Okay, now what?
04:47Well, we want the princess to feel completely at ease around us, so I'll pretend to be, uh, Count, uh, Laszlo from Prague.
05:05Great, not bad.
05:06I'll be Count Chocula from Isle Zeb.
05:08I'm not taking this seriously, are you?
05:09Jay, this is never gonna work.
05:10Just let me do all the talking.
05:11There she is.
05:12Boy, I can't wait to sink my teeth into that.
05:13Don't talk about the princess that way.
05:14Princess?
05:15I got my eye on the buffet table.
05:17Now you mention it, maybe she'll wrap some bacon around-
05:18Excuse me, Princess, I am Count Laszlo from Prague.
05:19And I am-
05:20Herm.
05:21My man's service.
05:22It's a pleasure to meet you both.
05:23Well, you are even more beautiful in person.
05:24Yes, actually, I'm not really-
05:25Uh, bring me a martini, will you?
05:26There it is.
05:27I'm not going to sink my teeth into that.
05:28I'm not going to sink my teeth into that.
05:29Don't talk about the princess that way.
05:30Princess?
05:31I got my eye on the buffet table.
05:32Now you mention it, maybe she'll wrap some bacon around-
05:35Excuse me, Princess, I am Count Laszlo from Prague.
05:40And I am-
05:41Herm.
05:42My man's service.
05:43It's a pleasure to meet you both.
05:46Well, you are even more beautiful in person.
05:49Yes, actually, I'm not really-
05:50Uh, bring me a martini, will you?
05:52There's a good man's service.
05:54Count, may I have a word with you?
05:58Can't you see I'm talking to the princess?
06:00Please, call me Jillian.
06:01I hate being called princess.
06:03I'm afraid that it cannot wait, sir.
06:05Uh, would you please excuse us for one moment?
06:08Your man's servant?
06:10I'm sorry, Herm, but that accent of yours wouldn't have fooled a deaf person.
06:13Besides, you're from Ohio.
06:15What is that supposed to mean?
06:16You can't possibly know how to handle a woman who comes from royalty.
06:19Just trust me, okay?
06:20She's out of your league.
06:23Out of our league?
06:25Oh, we're not gonna forget that one very fast.
06:30Jay, I am not gonna stand by will you-
06:31Is everything all right?
06:32Yes, yes, fine.
06:33This is a lovely party.
06:35Oh, I hate these things.
06:36The people are so phony.
06:37Mm, I know exactly what you mean.
06:40But of course, you're only a man's servant, and no one cares what you think.
06:43I care what you think.
06:46Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
06:49She's a princess, but she's so real, so down-to-earth, so...
06:54Desirable.
06:56No, no, no, don't do this to me.
06:58This isn't about love.
06:59It's about a story that could make our career.
07:02If you help me get this woman, and we marry her, we'll be a prince.
07:08Prince?
07:09You mean I can boss people around and make them do whatever we wanted?
07:12That's right.
07:14Good.
07:16Kill him.
07:17Royalty is so boring.
07:22Yes, but it does have its perks.
07:25Yes, I suppose it does.
07:27You're able to help people less fortunate than yourselves.
07:29Speaking of which, the count would like to make a donation to your charity.
07:36Donation?
07:37Yes, this is a charity event.
07:39Count?
07:40Of course.
07:42Like the princess a check, Hermann.
07:44I'd be happy to, sir, but the royal checking account is overdrawn.
07:46If you'll recall, you've spent it all on prostitutes and liquor.
07:57There's something very odd about you two.
08:00Hard to believe you're from the same country.
08:02You know, you don't even sound alike.
08:04Who are these two?
08:05Carlos, it's all right.
08:07Maybe you've heard of me.
08:08They used to call me Carlos the Jackal.
08:11But they're all friends.
08:12It's my job to make sure the press stays far away from the princess.
08:20I guess you have to lock up the good crystal whenever he's around.
08:23I'm afraid Carlos takes his job very seriously.
08:27Did you know it's possible to kill a man with only a very sharp fingernail?
08:32There had to be a very small man.
08:36Or a very large fingernail.
08:41I don't like them.
08:42They're my friends, Carlos.
08:43Now, please, leave us alone.
08:49I'm sorry about Carlos, but my life is fairly complicated at the moment,
08:53and the press would love to take advantage of that.
08:56This is evil.
08:57The poor girl is opening herself up to us.
08:59And all we're going to do is betray her by spreading it all over the newspapers.
09:02Oh, you make it sound so cheap.
09:04It is cheap.
09:05I know, but you make it sound so cheap.
09:13Damn, that's for me.
09:14I have to go.
09:15Are those your trumpets?
09:16They sound just like my trumpets.
09:19Thank you so much for being here and making this event a little less dreary.
09:22We'll talk after.
09:24I'm afraid that's not possible.
09:26I know.
09:27I'm going skiing this weekend at the Royal Chalet in Stade.
09:29I'd love it if you two joined me there.
09:31My treat.
09:32Oh, I love Stade.
09:33Canada is beautiful this time of year.
09:37Because McCann's Stade is in Switzerland.
09:41I'm aware of that, you idiot.
09:44The fact is, Canada is beautiful this time of year.
09:48We would love to come.
09:49Good.
09:50I'll see you there.
09:52Wow.
09:53I could really fall for a woman like that.
09:55I think I just did.
09:57And maybe she'll have a friend for you.
10:00Those two are not who they say they are.
10:02Of course they're not.
10:03But they're harmless and fun.
10:05And I need to have them around right now.
10:08I will find out who they are.
10:09And if they are reporters, I will kill them.
10:11Well, they're not reporters.
10:12They're too incompetent to be reporters.
10:14I will kill them.
10:15Well, can I talk to you about this weekend in Stade?
10:27Yeah.
10:28Yeah.
10:29I wanted to talk to you about it, too.
10:31So, Mr. Bracken, how'd it go with your wife last night?
10:33I don't want to talk about it.
10:34Oh, come on, Mr. Bracken.
10:35You have to tell us how it went.
10:37Did you listen to her?
10:39Yes, I listened to her.
10:40I listened to her for hours, and it reminded me of something very important.
10:44What's that?
10:45Why I stopped listening to her.
10:48Okay, Mr. Bracken, you've been to the rest.
10:50Now you've come to the best.
10:51Let's talk sex.
10:53Oh, Hetty, I don't think that's necessary.
10:55Mr. Bracken, I'm telling you, the only way is to sit and listen to your wife.
10:58Give me what you got, Hetty.
11:02Okay, you've got to put the spark back in your marriage.
11:05Surprise her when she least expects it.
11:08Make passionate, unbridled love to her without saying a single word to each other.
11:13I like that last part.
11:16That's exactly what I was thinking, Jay.
11:17I mean, our friendship is much more important.
11:19Yeah, let's face it.
11:20The princess was starting to get in the way.
11:22And besides, she's never going to talk to us.
11:24Plus, you ever see me on skis?
11:26Then there's Carlos the Jackal to think about.
11:30Yeah.
11:31Well, I'm glad we're not going.
11:32Yeah.
11:33Yeah, me too.
11:34All right.
11:35Catch you later.
11:36Okay.
11:43Now we have the article all to ourselves.
11:46Would you forget about that stupid article?
11:49I want the girl.
11:53Time to hit the slopes.
11:56Jane!
12:01Face, didn't you?
12:02You just want to go to Stodd and have the princess all to yourself.
12:04Oh, Herman, I'm going after the article.
12:06The princess is just a bonus.
12:08What?
12:10I guess I was wrong.
12:11Oh, what is it about you having your own suitcase and skis that keeps me from feeling bad about it?
12:15Hey, you want me to say it?
12:16I'll say it.
12:17I want her.
12:18Herman, she's not your type, okay?
12:19She's a very classy woman.
12:20I don't care what you say, Jay.
12:21I'm going.
12:22Hey, let's do this.
12:33A little presumptuous of you, Jay, eh?
12:35Geez, you could get China's population under control with this many countries.
12:39Can't be too safe.
12:43What are these all about?
12:47Just a harmless little game I like to play.
12:49Give me the cuffs, Herm.
12:50Sure.
12:52Okay, fine.
12:53Keep them.
12:54Uh-oh!
12:55No, come on!
12:56Jay!
12:57Jay!
12:58Bye, Herm!
12:59Jay!
13:00Fast!
13:03Right after I've given her my best.
13:05Don't you leave me here!
13:06Jay!
13:07Oh, God!
13:09Allow me.
13:11Hey.
13:25Herman?
13:26Don't tell them on me!
13:28The key, Jay!
13:29Okay, okay, okay.
13:30Do you have any idea how hard it was to get on the plane with these?
13:34Yes.
13:35That's why I always check them.
13:38Thanks.
13:39Thanks for returning my cuffs, Herm.
13:41Sorry you can't stay, but look at the bright side.
13:43You'll really do wonders with your frequent flyer mileage.
13:47What?
13:48Hey!
13:49Would you sleep with her already?
13:50I could just sleep with her!
13:51Hey!
13:52I didn't sleep with her!
13:53I didn't sleep with her!
13:54What's going on in here?
13:55Thank God!
13:56I was warning myself by the fire when out of nowhere my manservant shows up,
14:00throws me to the floor...
14:01And saves him from choking!
14:07You actually saved his life, huh?
14:09Yes, my manservant is only here to deliver me a message
14:11and would like Carlos to escort him back into town.
14:14Carlos?
14:18Oh no!
14:19Carlos!
14:20I'm so mad at Jack, I could just spit!
14:25Sorry!
14:31One minute, Carlos, I nearly forgot the message.
14:35Count, you're needed back in Prague.
14:39There must be some mistake.
14:41No, no mistake.
14:42You're to leave immediately.
14:43Oh, what a shame and you just got here.
14:45A quick phone call to the consulate will clear this whole thing up.
14:48Carlos, you please show the Count the phone.
14:51I once crushed a man's heart with my bare hands and fed it to a stray dog.
14:58Your parents must be very proud.
15:00The Count is a very fortunate man to have someone like you to take care of him.
15:10Yes, yeah, he is.
15:12I find I'm very drawn to people who devote their lives to the service of another.
15:16They're so honest and genuine.
15:19And even if they're not, it does not make them a bad person.
15:24You're right, it doesn't.
15:27We're in! She wants us!
15:28If that's your prince, I promise to rob your blinds, build great monuments to myself, and have my way with your women!
15:47Who are you?
15:49I'm the Count's man-servant.
15:52Really, there's no need to go on for time.
15:53A quick phone call to the consulate and the problem is solved.
15:56Just a few documents to be signed, and I've authorized you to sign them.
15:59You'll have to leave immediately.
16:01But as you know, I cannot sign any documents because I lost my secret classification years ago.
16:09Yes, I know that.
16:12That is why I amended that law while I was on the phone.
16:15So you don't need the classification anymore.
16:17Yes, yes, yes.
16:18But to amend the law requires your signature within 12 hours, or it's not valid.
16:22You'll have to leave immediately if you want to sign it.
16:25Yes, but...
16:26I'm at the loss. I'll be right back.
16:33Now, for the last time, do you want to tell me who you are, or do you want to tell Carlos?
16:37Princess?
16:38My name is Herman Brooks. My friend's name is Jay Nichols.
16:44We live in New York, and we really wanted to meet you.
16:47Well, why did you have to concoct those silly accents? Why couldn't you just be yourself?
16:50To be honest, I thought you were a little out of my league.
16:53I mean, you're a princess. I'm just some guy.
16:56Oh, you've no idea how drawn I am to someone like you.
17:00And besides, Herman, you brought a touch of levity to my life, and right now that means a lot to me.
17:05Yeah, yeah, I noticed you didn't look all that happy when we first met you.
17:09Happy? No.
17:11I haven't been happy since I was separated from the man I'm in love with.
17:15Oh, you're in love?
17:18Yes, very.
17:20You mean we came all the way to Switzerland just to have our heart broken?
17:24You mean we're not gonna be a prince?
17:32You idiot! Listen to what she's saying. This is the story we came for, and Jay's not here. It's all ours.
17:41You wouldn't dare.
17:44Watch me!
17:48Please, go on.
17:49Well, I have to talk to someone, and silly accents and all, I feel that I can trust you.
17:56The man I love is not royalty, and I'm having his child.
18:00Let me guess, and the family doesn't approve?
18:03No, and now he wants me to run away with him to Greece, to live where no one will ever find us.
18:07So I have to choose between the man I love and my family.
18:10Well, I think you've already chosen.
18:15But you're absolutely right.
18:17I guess I just needed to hear myself say it.
18:20It's an incredible story.
18:24We're gonna need more cups!
18:28The woman just bared her soul to us. We owe it to her to tell her the truth.
18:32We told her the truth! What more do you want?
18:33She has to know that we're reporters!
18:36You wouldn't dare.
18:38Watch me!
18:42Princess.
18:44Jillian.
18:46Jillian, um, I have another confession to make.
18:49My friend and I, we're, uh, reporters.
18:53Reporters?
18:55Reporters.
18:58What's your preference, slow death or fast?
19:01Yeah.
19:02Gosh, could I hear those choices again, please?
19:04What, what is going on?
19:07I just told the princess I was a reporter.
19:09He told me he was a manservant!
19:11You lied to me!
19:13Give it up, Jay. I told her about you too.
19:15Clearly the man is deranged.
19:17Ooh.
19:19Let them go, Carlos.
19:21Damn, I never get to kill anybody.
19:26Well, Herman Brooks.
19:27Herman Brooks.
19:29I guess now I find out what kind of person you really are.
19:32Now that you know all about me, my faith is truly in your hands.
19:35I don't know what it is, but something tells me you'll do the right thing.
19:43How could you tell her the truth?
19:44She told me the truth.
19:45She told me the truth.
19:46You're kidding, you're kidding.
19:47She told you the whole story?
19:48Yeah, everything.
19:49So out with it.
19:51I can't. It's a secret.
19:53Well, where are you going?
19:54Back to the airport.
19:55Herman, there's career involved, which means cash.
19:57There's fame involved, which means women.
19:59Now what more do you need?
20:01My integrity.
20:02Boy, Mr. Bracken is late, huh?
20:12Well, if you took my advice, he's probably basking in the afterglow.
20:21If that's afterglow, I'm not missing much.
20:26Mr. Bracken, what happened?
20:27I sneaked in the kitchen door very quietly and took off all my clothes.
20:32Then I jumped into the living room, stark naked, grabbed my wife and kissed her passionately.
20:37But did she like it?
20:38Well, there was a lot of screaming.
20:40That's good.
20:41No, Hetty, that's bad.
20:42The screams were coming from my wife's bridge club.
20:49Come on.
20:50I have every major publication in this town bidding for this article.
20:53She is a person, Jay, a very vulnerable person,
20:56and she deserves better than to have us ruin her life just so we can advance our careers.
21:00Herman, a story like this comes along once in a lifetime.
21:03This is Cinderella we're talking about here.
21:05She's a real-life princess.
21:06And you know something about her that nobody else knows.
21:09All right, Jay, since you feel that strongly about it,
21:11I'll write down what she told me on a piece of paper.
21:14Oh, Herm, Herm, this is good. This is good.
21:16I just want you to know that you're doing the right thing.
21:19There, now here's the deal.
21:20If you take this piece of paper and ruin that woman's life,
21:23I don't want to ever talk to you again.
21:25I don't even want to see you again.
21:27You mean like a never?
21:29I mean like a never.
21:31You're right.
21:32Nice knowing you, pal.
21:38That's low. That's a damn low thing to do to somebody.
21:42You're my best friend, Herm.
21:53And I really hate you.
21:57Boy, Herman, you really took a chance.
21:59I mean, that's Jay we're talking about.
22:01How'd you know he wouldn't take that paper and print the story?
22:04Because, Louise, I know another Jay.
22:06A Jay who can be trusted and a Jay I have total confidence in.
22:10I can't believe you took this paper, you bastard.
22:20Then again, it is Jay we're talking about.
22:22The laughter, the tears, a time of sweet beginnings.
22:32Coming up next is Stand By Your Man.
22:35Also followed by Get A Life right here at Fox TV 8.
22:39An unforgettable wedding.
22:41On the season finale of 90210.
22:43Right after an all new Simpsons and in Living Colors music video parody special.
22:48Now stay tuned for Stand By Your Man.
22:51Like a strong and interesting Debatte.
22:52Once again, your Мар can take a dance and take you,
22:53See who acts like the
22:53By Your Man.
22:54Even more, man сильно has always right behind.
22:56Definitely no reason not to do.
22:57No reason wisely, not to do this music video song.
22:58But when it comes to a cinema, you're the way of being notified付est,
23:00Make a voice aside at all.
23:01He's got an important Baz conference.
23:03With Full一点 One DC 8.
23:04There is no purpose.
23:05Like a state of survival!
23:07What we're trying to do to do.
23:08Let's do all that.
23:13Good by His fans will go.
23:14Are they reallyigning?
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