- 21 hours ago
Herman gets interviewed by his high school alumni magazine , so he exaggerates a little more and then he plain outs lies.
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00:00This is Herman Brooks.
00:06Herman is just like the rest of us.
00:09Every day he has to make all kinds of decisions.
00:12Like what to wear,
00:15whom to date,
00:18and when to panic.
00:21Now, these decisions should be easy.
00:23But if you take a look inside Herman's head,
00:26you'll see why he sometimes has trouble making up his mind.
00:31I'm Herman's intellect.
00:33Without me, he couldn't hold his job, pay his rent, or tie his shoes.
00:37I'm Herman's sensitivity.
00:38Without me, he wouldn't feel tenderness, honesty, or love.
00:41The good things in life.
00:43I'm Herman's anxiety, and I keep him out of trouble.
00:46And believe me, there's trouble everywhere.
00:49I'm Herman's lust.
00:51Without me, he'd miss out on all the good stuff.
00:53You know, fun, food, things.
00:56Sometimes they agree.
00:58Usually they don't.
01:00But this struggle is going on inside all of us.
01:03And it's all going on inside Herman's head.
01:07Research.
01:08Codependency.
01:09A new catchword for a people-pleasing person with low self-esteem
01:24and an inability to function in a normal relationship.
01:27Trust me, I don't have to look it up.
01:30What's wrong with your desk, Hetty?
01:34And then I find out he's not Bill Douglas, senior editor from the 14th floor.
01:38He's Bill Douglas, the busboy from the deli downstairs.
01:40I slept with the wrong guy.
01:44Hetty, that had better not have been personal.
01:46It wasn't, Mr. Bracken.
01:47When I'm here, I am working.
01:49In fact, here's that article on bile and its role in the human digestive tract.
01:53Herman, I thought you were checking this article.
01:55He was running a little behind and asked me to finish it.
01:57Well, good work, Hetty. Herman, put your act together.
02:00Sorry, Herman, I needed a completed assignment.
02:03Then you should have taken one from this pile.
02:08Oh, Mr. Bracken.
02:10What's up, Hermster?
02:11Not now, Jay, I'm busy.
02:13The average male peaks sexually in his teens.
02:16By his mid-twenties, he has already lost 32% of his sexual potency.
02:20What?
02:22Let's go meet some girls while we still got something left.
02:25I can't. Once I finish up here, I have to go be interviewed.
02:28An interview? That's impressive.
02:30A high school classmate of mine is doing a Where Are They Now article for my hometown newspaper.
02:34That's boring.
02:36Playoffs, this means a lot to me.
02:38All my relatives and friends are gonna read about me, my career.
02:42Career? You got a night job we don't know about?
02:46I'm doing okay. I got my own place.
02:48I'm living in the most exciting city in the world.
02:50And last night, I bought a new color television.
02:53A new television, Herman?
02:56Ooh, sexy.
02:58Oh, women go wild over a man with a television.
03:01It just gets us so hot.
03:06That's it. I've had it with her.
03:08I'm gonna rearrange that nose of hers this time without the benefit of a plastic surgeon.
03:13Calm down. We can't hit her. She's a woman.
03:15And we still got no proof of that.
03:19Eddie, how'd you like to come downstairs and have a drink with me?
03:24I'd rather choke on a lump of pork.
03:29Oink oink.
03:33Jay, do me a favor. Bracken is in a foul mood and I don't want him to see you here.
03:36I don't want him to see you here.
03:39Research. Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried?
03:42Chicago Soldier Field, Section 34, Road G, 645 and 17.
03:47Louise, what is that writer doing down here?
03:50I don't like to tell on fellow employees, sir. It makes me feel guilty.
03:54He's here. He's always here. I'll work it out with my therapist.
03:58What do you think this is? A cocktail lounge?
04:01I'll have a bourbon on the rocks, please.
04:02No, the decaf's in the orange pot.
04:11I said no personal business, people. Now that means everyone.
04:16Mr. Bracken, your wife's on the phone.
04:22I can't talk to you now, honey. You know I love you, but I'm at work.
04:26Your wife's online too, sir. That was Mr. Cruickshank in marketing.
04:32It's been years since high school. How will we recognize her?
04:37There's got to be a picture of her in our memory somewhere.
04:41Here we go.
04:44Whoa! Is that just one woman?
04:46Hey, she's just a little overweight.
04:47Besides, maybe she's lost some of it.
04:48Yeah, great. Now she's down to enormous.
04:49Meredith?
04:50Hi, I'm Herman Brooks.
04:51I'm Herman Brooks.
04:52Herman Brooks.
04:53I'm Herman Brooks.
04:54I'm Herman Brooks.
04:55I'm Herman Brooks.
04:56I'm and I'm.
04:57Meredith Brooks.
04:58It's been years since high school. How will we recognize her?
04:59There's gotta be a picture of her in our memory somewhere.
05:00Here we go.
05:01Whoa!
05:02Is that just one woman?
05:04Hey, she's just a little overweight.
05:06Besides, maybe she's lost some of it.
05:07Yeah, great. Now she's down to enormous.
05:10Meredith?
05:11Meredith?
05:14Hi, I'm Herman Brooks.
05:18Herman Brooks?
05:20I'm Meredith Fraser from the Milbury Sentinel.
05:24You're Meredith?
05:26What was that all about?
05:28It's for an opening. I took it.
05:32I'm sorry if I interrupted something.
05:34No, no.
05:36Come on, why don't we sit down?
05:37All right.
05:38All I'm saying is, if things don't work out with Meredith, we got a sure thing at the bar.
05:45Hey, it's a plan.
05:48Meredith, it's incredible.
05:51What?
05:51It's just that you used to be so...
05:54so...
05:55fat.
05:58Fat?
05:59Well, I'd never use that word.
06:01It's okay.
06:02If I ever did anything bad to you in school, I regret it with every part of my being.
06:06You never teased me, Herman.
06:08Everybody else did, but not you.
06:11You see?
06:12Sensitivity can pay off.
06:13Damn straight.
06:14We may end up bagging this chick.
06:18Bagging this chick?
06:20Who else have you interviewed from our class?
06:22Well, I just interviewed Stuart Bloom on his yacht.
06:25His yacht?
06:26Uh-huh.
06:26And Charles Fishbein just sold a screenplay to Hollywood for a million dollars.
06:31Fishbrain sold a script, but he could barely read and write.
06:34And Sharon Pollack is living right here in New York on Park Avenue.
06:38That's a nice area, isn't it?
06:40Well, it's a little far from the subway.
06:42Oh, and of course.
06:43Did you tell her about the television yet, Doug?
06:46Oh, my God.
06:50We're a failure.
06:52I'm working for a...
06:53With...
06:54With a large publishing company here in New York.
06:57Well, that's exciting.
06:58What exactly do you do for this company?
06:59I'm a...
07:01Hi, Herman.
07:03Louise?
07:05So, uh, what is it you do, Herman?
07:07I say we lie.
07:10Right in front of Louise?
07:11What's it gonna hurt?
07:12Listen up, pork chop.
07:14Lie is a bad idea.
07:15It only leads to more lies.
07:17Come on, we gotta impress this babe if we want her to raise the Titanic.
07:27Raise the Titanic?
07:28Come on, you know, sink the Bismarck.
07:32Let's put it this way.
07:33Nothing gets published around here without crossing my desk first.
07:37That's incredible.
07:38It certainly is.
07:41You're free to go now, Louise.
07:47Um, Herman, would it be possible to go to your apartment so that I can take a few pictures
07:52of you for the article?
07:54My apartment?
07:55Yes, I think the people of Millbury would love to see how a New York rider lives.
07:59Uh-oh.
08:00We can't take her to our place.
08:01It looks like a litter box.
08:03I knew we should have told the truth.
08:05All right, genius.
08:05You're gonna cough up a plan, and you're gonna cough it up now.
08:08We'll never get our Norman Schwarzkopfed.
08:14Our Norman Schwarzkopf?
08:18Would you excuse me for a second?
08:19When I see a rider, I have to talk.
08:26I'm busy, Hermski.
08:27Girl-ski.
08:28I need to talk to you now-ski.
08:31Why?
08:33What is so important?
08:34I need to borrow your apartment.
08:36What for?
08:37Because your place overlooks Central Park, and mine overlooks Garcia's House of Kosher Barbecue.
08:43Oh, we're trying to press the babe, huh?
08:45I'm past impressing.
08:46I'm into damage control.
08:47Give me your keys.
08:48Okay.
08:49Just don't touch the mirrors in the bedroom, okay?
08:51I have them angled just the way I like them.
08:53You're kidding me.
09:17All lines to Paris are busy?
09:19I'll try again later.
09:21Hattie, how come you always use Herman's desk to make long-distance calls?
09:24You know, if Mr. Bracken ever checks the phone bill, Herman could get in a lot of trouble.
09:28Which part of that don't you get?
09:29So talk to me.
09:33How did the, uh, interview go last night?
09:36Great.
09:37I feel a little guilty about lying to her, but thanks for letting me use the place.
09:40Oh, sure.
09:40Thanks for letting me use yours.
09:42What?
09:42Come on.
09:43Me and Wanda, the babe from the bar, we had to go somewhere, and you were using my place.
09:47Wait a minute.
09:47How'd you get in without a key?
09:48Your landlord let me in.
09:49My landlord, Vlad the Impaler?
09:51He just let you in?
09:52Sure.
09:52I told him I was your cousin and I had to walk your dog.
09:55Dog?
09:55What dog?
09:55They don't allow dogs in my building.
09:57By the way, Hermo, you can change sheets when they get dirty.
10:02You had sex in my bed?
10:04No.
10:05Had it on your couch.
10:07And in the bathtub.
10:08And on the fire escape until some little lady started screaming at us.
10:13Mrs. Parisi?
10:14She thinks she'd never seen a naked man before.
10:16She hasn't.
10:18She has now.
10:20You two pick out a china pattern yet?
10:22Your Hermo?
10:23Got it.
10:24No personal business.
10:25Mr. Bracken, sir, these came for you.
10:29They're for Mr. Cruxshank.
10:38You live at 564 West 85th Street, Apartment 3C?
10:42Yeah, I do.
10:43What the hell was my wife doing in your apartment last night?
10:47His wife?
10:49Your wife?
10:51Yeah.
10:51Wanda.
10:52My wife.
10:53Hey, pal.
11:04I asked you a question.
11:05What was my wife doing in your apartment?
11:08That's swine.
11:09Jay brought a married woman to our apartment?
11:11What are we waiting for?
11:12Let's tell this guy Jay's the one he's after.
11:14Now, now.
11:15You feel these, wimp?
11:17Oop.
11:17Remember, we're in a man's body, and men protect their own.
11:23Get us out of the seg head.
11:26Your wife was at my apartment because she came over to buy my television.
11:32Television?
11:33Yep.
11:35What for?
11:37What for?
11:37What for?
11:38Uh, your birthday.
11:40Nice try.
11:41My birthday's four months away.
11:43Well, then you're a Libra.
11:44Yeah.
11:45Hey, wait a minute.
11:47Don't change the subject.
11:48Lighten up.
11:49I put an ad in the paper to sell my TV, and your wife answered it.
11:53How do I know what she wants it for?
11:54You expect me to swallow that crap?
11:57Expect might be too strong a word.
11:58However, there's a high level of hope.
12:02Don't.
12:03You mean nothing to me, pal.
12:04I eat guys like you for breakfast.
12:07You may want to consider something with a little more fiber.
12:12I'm gonna go check this out.
12:13You better be right, because I know where you live, pal.
12:20I know what you're thinking, Mr. Bracken, and I assure you, that was not personal.
12:28Then who was he, Herman?
12:31He's a writer.
12:33I had to tell him I found a lot of errors in an article he wrote.
12:36He was very upset.
12:38I don't like it, Herman.
12:39You don't?
12:41I'm sick and tired of these writers treating my people like I treat my people.
12:45So what was the article about?
12:48What's it about?
12:49Why did we have to say he was a writer?
12:50What's happened to us?
12:51We used to be so honest.
12:53I feel as if we're running for Congress.
12:56No more lies.
12:57From here on out.
12:58Too late.
12:59Next lie, please.
13:00How about a little something Bracken's probably never even heard of?
13:03The article's on 15th century Chinese pottery, sir.
13:06Really?
13:07I studied that extensively in school.
13:10Give me the article, Herman.
13:12If he has any more problems with it, he can deal with me.
13:14Actually, it's not here.
13:15I left it at home.
13:16Heaven on my desk after lunch.
13:18I'll just run home and get it.
13:20Run home and get what?
13:22The article, you panty waste.
13:26I have to go to lunch now.
13:28Promise me you won't do any more of this until I get back.
13:30Herman.
13:49Jay, what the hell are you doing?
13:53Wanda's in your bathroom, man.
13:54What can I say?
13:55She loves that fire escape.
13:57Jay, she's a married woman.
13:59She's not married.
14:00No, the husband who came to my office and threatened my life sure thinks she's married.
14:04Hang on one sec.
14:05Uh, Wanda, are you married?
14:08Yeah, why?
14:12I gotta start talking to these women more.
14:16This husband doesn't know about me, does he?
14:18Not yet.
14:19Good.
14:20I think it's best if we keep it that way, don't you?
14:23Well, I'm out of here.
14:25No, no, you don't.
14:26You're taking her with you.
14:27I have 40 minutes to do a 3,000 word article on 15th century Chinese pottery.
14:32And I can't concentrate with a naked woman in my bathroom.
14:38All right, smart guy.
14:39Ball's in your court.
14:413,000 words in 37 minutes.
14:43I did it in college.
14:43I can do it here.
14:44Oh, God, now what?
14:50Go away.
14:51I'm busy.
14:52Brooks, open up.
14:53It's the landlord.
14:57How are you, Mr. Falco?
14:58I told you when you moved in, no pets.
15:01Now I want you and that mutt out of here by midnight.
15:04Mutt?
15:05Yeah.
15:05The one your cousin came to walk.
15:07I don't have a cousin and I don't have a dog.
15:09Do you ever have one of those days?
15:14Just pack your bags and get out.
15:20Perfect.
15:21Wanda, Herman.
15:22Herman Pinky, Pinky Herman.
15:24Please can meet you both.
15:26Your husband sends his regards, Wanda.
15:28Oh, you know my husband.
15:29Yes, we've met.
15:30He thinks you and I are lovers.
15:31So I told him I was selling you my television.
15:33Oh, good story.
15:35Did he believe you?
15:36Not exactly.
15:37I was hoping maybe you could straighten him out for me.
15:39No, I don't think so.
15:42Thanks, Herm.
15:42You're a pal.
15:45I'm going to kill him.
15:47We don't have time to kill him.
15:50Okay.
15:53The year is 1400.
15:57The place, China.
16:03Louise, it's three o'clock.
16:04Where's Herman?
16:05His subway train is being hijacked by a band of vegetarian extremists.
16:13Louise, what the hell are you talking about?
16:15I have no idea, sir.
16:17I'm not as good at this as Herman.
16:21Got to go now, Roz.
16:22It's starting again.
16:23Here's the article, Mr. Bracken.
16:25Two hours, Herman.
16:26Where do you live?
16:27Pittsburgh?
16:28No, sir.
16:29But the day isn't over yet.
16:30Have a nice lunch, Herman.
16:34It's wonderful, Hedy.
16:35There aren't words to describe it.
16:37Well, you may want to think of some.
16:38I'd want to know why I got stood up if I were her.
16:43Meredith.
16:44We were supposed to have lunch today.
16:47Oh, I'm sorry.
16:48I had to take a friend to the hospital.
16:51Oh, my God.
16:52Is everything okay?
16:53Oh, yeah.
16:54He's fine.
16:54He's just having a problem with his bile duct.
16:59Not another lie.
17:00Bug off.
17:01I'm on a roll.
17:05Why did they send me here?
17:07Is this your office?
17:09This place?
17:09No.
17:10Um, I'm double-checking an article I wrote.
17:13Well, I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed myself last night.
17:17You did?
17:18Yes, Herman.
17:18I did.
17:19I think that you're...
17:20Well, you're just so different from all of the other people that I've been interviewing.
17:24Yes, we're in.
17:25She wants us.
17:27I concur.
17:28Let's get our participle dangled.
17:33Participle dangle?
17:35Yes, you see.
17:36Genius.
17:37I think you need to spend a little quality time away from Animal.
17:41And I was hoping that maybe we could see more of each other.
17:44I mean, you know, that is, if you're not seeing anyone else right now.
17:47Trust me, Meredith.
17:48I am not seeing anyone else.
17:50Then not a soul.
17:51Herman, honey, listen, I think I left an earring in your bed.
17:55Would you be a doll and look for it the second you get home?
17:57Thanks.
18:01Meredith, I know this looks...
18:02This looks bad, but it's not what you think.
18:04Oh, yeah.
18:05And I think I left my panties on your fire escape.
18:09Goodbye, Herman.
18:10Goodbye.
18:14Brian!
18:14Oh, Wanda.
18:15What are you doing?
18:16You are having an affair with this guy.
18:18No, I am not having an affair with Herman.
18:20Look, don't lie to me, okay, please?
18:22I followed you.
18:23You went over to his place again today.
18:24Jay, say something.
18:26Don't these people have jobs?
18:27Oh, God, what do we do now?
18:32I think we should knee him in the groin.
18:37What?
18:38It worked.
18:38You!
18:40Me?
18:41That's right.
18:43You, sir, are a talented man.
18:46He is?
18:47I am?
18:47You are!
18:48I thought I knew something about 15th century Chinese pottery.
18:52Herman Penn, there are editors upstairs that should be aware of you.
18:57Here, I'm going to give you their number.
18:59But I wrote that article.
19:02They'll be expecting your call.
19:07What the hell is going on?
19:09He wants to know what's going on.
19:11Work your magic.
19:12Okay.
19:13Our evil twin is just...
19:15Oh, no!
19:17It is time for the truth.
19:19You want to know what's going on?
19:20I'll tell you what's going on.
19:22Hermal.
19:22You may not like it, but it's the truth.
19:26And when it all comes down to it, the truth is all we really have.
19:30So I'm going to tell you the truth.
19:32After this one brief lie.
19:35I want to tell them about the surprise.
19:37What surprise?
19:38I was going to buy a gift for the most important man in my life.
19:44You.
19:45You mean you really were going to buy a television set from this guy?
19:48What do you think, you big lug?
19:52I don't care what the critics say, dammit.
19:54This is great theater.
19:57I'm sorry I ever doubted you.
19:59Oh, don't be sorry.
20:00You know how much I love it when you get jealous.
20:03There aren't words to express my love for you.
20:06How about dysfunctional?
20:12That went a lot better than I thought it would.
20:15And it looks like I'm free tonight, bud.
20:17So what do you say we go out, pick up some girls?
20:19After all the trouble he's caused?
20:22Can you believe he even thinks we consider going out with him?
20:25What time?
20:32That was a good story, but I'm still going to need a $275 dog deposit.
20:37But I don't have a dog I just showed you.
20:40I want the money by tomorrow morning or you're out.
20:43And stay off the fire escape.
20:48There it is.
20:49Come in.
20:50Hi, Herman.
20:51It is Herman, isn't it?
20:53How much do you know?
20:54I went to your apartment, Jay's apartment, and he explained everything to me.
20:59Herman, you didn't have to lie.
21:00I'm sorry.
21:02After hearing all those stories, I just wanted to be successful, too.
21:06Who cares how successful you are?
21:08Every woman in New York.
21:12Well, I don't.
21:13I thought when I came here I would be interviewing that nice guy that I remembered from high school.
21:18Then let's try it again.
21:19Hi.
21:19I'm Herman Brooks.
21:21I'm a fact checker in research, and this is my overpriced studio apartment.
21:26Pleased to meet you.
21:27It's a nice place.
21:29Who would have guessed it?
21:30The truth worked after all.
21:31I told you honesty is the best policy.
21:34Now, let's go get our Willy Wonka'd.
21:44Herman, I want to reshoot the pictures of you here in your real apartment.
21:49All right.
21:50Okay.
21:50I know.
21:51How about me next to my new television?
21:54Oh, great.
21:57Hi.
21:58I'm here to pick up my new television set.
22:07Could I get the remote?
22:08Sure.
22:12Smile.
22:13Imagine home alone on board a jumbo jet.
22:22Tomorrow, Fox Night at the Movies presents the world premiere of Bad Attitudes.
22:27And this Thursday, you'll meet every fifth grader's worst nightmare.
22:31Daphne Coleman stars in the new Fox comedy, Drexel's Class, right after the season premiere of The Simpsons, next Thursday.
22:38Now, stay tuned for the Sunday comics, next.
22:41Bye!
22:42Bye!
22:42Bye!
22:43Bye!
22:44Bye!
22:45Bye!
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