- 13 minutes ago
In this episode, the central conflict involves Herman having to choose between two different women he is dating.
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00:00Troubled.
00:02That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:04Is that all you can think about?
00:07Food and sex?
00:08Yes.
00:09Please, focus.
00:10Look out!
00:18Hey, it's Jack!
00:21No time for small talk, we're late.
00:24Petty, hold the elevator.
00:26Petty.
00:30I think Louise is so sweet.
00:37I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:39I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:42And I think you are all idiots.
00:44That's gonna work!
00:45What do you want to do on Friday night?
00:57So, uh, what do you want to do Friday night?
01:11I'm going to see Elizabeth again.
01:13Okay, how about Saturday?
01:14Elizabeth.
01:15Okay, Hermo, there's something going on here.
01:18You think so?
01:19There's a word for what's happening to you, my friend.
01:21It's an old-fashioned, corny word, but it applies.
01:24Love?
01:25No.
01:26Whipped.
01:27That's ridiculous, Jay.
01:31Look, I know you and Elizabeth got off to a bad start, but I really like being with her.
01:35Ah, great sex.
01:36Why didn't you say so?
01:38Actually, we haven't had sex yet.
01:41She doesn't want to make that leap until we're sure where this is going.
01:43You mean you tell me she's your girlfriend and you still haven't planted the flag yet?
01:48She is not my girlfriend.
01:50She's just someone I'm seeing.
01:51Hermo, Hermo.
01:53She's a woman.
01:54Women only want one thing.
01:56Commitment.
01:56It's a big problem.
01:58You know, maybe you're the one with the problem.
02:00What's the longest you've ever been with a woman?
02:02An hour and a half.
02:06No, I don't mean in bed.
02:08I mean in a relationship.
02:09Oh.
02:10An hour and a half.
02:11Oh, no.
02:14Are we like Jay?
02:14Are we afraid of commitment?
02:16Well, why not?
02:17There's plenty to be afraid of.
02:18Remember what happened when we fell in love with Susan?
02:21I was offered a job today.
02:23It's a tour.
02:25A tour?
02:26I thought you didn't want a tour anymore.
02:27Well, I thought so too, but I realized I just can't take any job.
02:31I'm a dancer.
02:32That's what I do.
02:33I don't want you to leave, Susan.
02:36I just found you.
02:40You see, we can't go through that again.
02:44What are you doing?
02:50You got your memories?
02:50I got mine.
02:53Hi, Herman.
02:55How's your girlfriend?
02:56She is not my girlfriend.
02:58She's just someone I'm seeing.
02:59Ah, so you're obviously in a relationship that's proceeding in a direction which scares you tremendously
03:04as a result of fear of commitment,
03:06possibly stemming from a traumatic incidence of childhood abandonment.
03:10Louise, where is this coming from?
03:15Well, this morning my therapist got tired of hearing about me,
03:18so I decided to talk about you.
03:22Morning, Herman.
03:23Morning, Hetty.
03:24Aren't you going to ask me?
03:26Ask you what?
03:26How my girlfriend is.
03:28Why would I do that?
03:29It's just everybody's been asking me all morning how my girlfriend is.
03:32Fine.
03:33How's your girlfriend?
03:33She is not my girlfriend.
03:36Someone I've been seeing.
03:38Listen up, people.
03:39Due to a disappointing third quarter,
03:41Waterkin Publishing is instituting some austerity measures.
03:44Here's a complete list of the changes.
03:47No more using office supplies for personal use.
03:50I could have used office supplies for personal use?
03:54The company cafeteria is no longer offering employee discounts.
03:58I could have had employee discounts?
04:01Our phones will no longer be able to make long-distance calls.
04:06I could have made long-distance calls.
04:08That's right.
04:10Only my phone will have long-distance access.
04:13Oh, Mr. Bracken, this just isn't fair.
04:16I mean, I wouldn't be so upset if you were taking away things that I knew I had had
04:19and had been able to enjoy for a while,
04:21but you're taking away things I never even knew I had.
04:23I can't believe all these cutbacks.
04:35Maybe I should just forget this whole research thing and become something else.
04:38Like a military strongman.
04:42A military strongman?
04:43Yeah, sure.
04:44Wouldn't it be great to hear on the news one night?
04:46The State Department today issued a stern warning directed at military strongman Louise Fitzsirf.
04:52Louise, you might want to bump up your therapy to twice a week.
04:57Hey there.
04:58Hi there.
04:59Oh, there.
04:59Hello, Louise.
05:03How are you?
05:04I'm fine, thank you.
05:06Well, Herman, I'm just going to leave you here with your girlfriend.
05:10Louise, she is not my...
05:12I mean, I wouldn't want to presume.
05:14Yeah, a bunch of my co-workers were referring to you as my boyfriend today.
05:18Isn't that funny?
05:19Yeah, it sure is.
05:20What is that supposed to mean?
05:21I don't know.
05:24I'm just agreeing with you.
05:25The thought of being my boyfriend is funny to you?
05:27Funny how?
05:27How is that funny?
05:30What's going on?
05:31One second we're saying hello, the next second you're Joe Pesci in Goodfellas.
05:35Oh, we've been spending a lot of time together recently.
05:37I'd like to know where this is going.
05:40Uh-oh.
05:43I really like being with you, and I think we should continue to be together.
05:47Okay, cards on the table.
05:48Is this a relationship?
05:49Well, if by a relationship, you mean people relating like ships.
05:57Herman, I want a commitment.
06:01Come on, come on, let's go!
06:04Get up and close!
06:05Let's get down out of here!
06:11Ah, commitment?
06:13What about all those awful relationships you've had?
06:16What about you being certain that if we got involved, it would be disastrous?
06:19Oh, it would.
06:20We'd drive each other insane.
06:22I would get crazy, forcing you to break my heart.
06:25You, meanwhile, would suffer emotional, psychological, and possibly even physical damage.
06:29So, what do you say?
06:31You up for it?
06:33Physical damage?
06:35You just think about it.
06:37I don't need an answer right now.
06:39I'll give you till I get back from the bathroom.
06:40I hope there's a line.
06:46Wait, if we do this commitment thing, will we get to sleep with her?
06:51Yeah, but only her and nobody else.
06:57The horror.
07:00The horror!
07:01Okay, Herman.
07:06No line, huh?
07:08Herman!
07:09Jay!
07:10Shrew.
07:10Whore.
07:12What if I am interrupting something?
07:14Actually, you are.
07:15Why don't you drag your knuckles back the way you came?
07:20Enjoy being around this?
07:22What kind of frat party male bonding nightmare do you share with him?
07:27Damaged goods, Herman.
07:29Major loser.
07:30Obviously frigid.
07:31No doubt impotent.
07:35I haven't had any complaints.
07:38Have you ever related to a woman with any organ other than your penis?
07:44You just wish you had one.
07:48So do you.
07:49Guys!
07:52Stay out of this, Herm.
07:55I'm in a battle for your very soul.
07:58Herman can fight his own battle.
08:00He doesn't know what he's dealing with.
08:01I think he's right here at the table.
08:04Jay, your heart is in the right place, but if you'll excuse me, Elizabeth and I were right in the middle of something important here.
08:09Oh, is this that this isn't working out?
08:11Talk, please don't let me interrupt.
08:14Actually, it's the other talk.
08:16Oh, Herm, no!
08:19I'm sorry, Jay.
08:20You're sorry?
08:21I didn't mean I'm sorry.
08:22I meant that he was...
08:23You want this to end right now?
08:24No, I don't want this to end now.
08:26That's right.
08:26At least sleep with her first.
08:30I can't believe you confide in this idiot.
08:33This idiot is still my friend.
08:34You tell her, Herm.
08:36Look, are we going to do this or not?
08:37We're going to do this.
08:38You're making a commitment?
08:39Yes, I'm making a commitment.
08:40Then let's get the hell out of here.
08:41Okay.
08:41Okay.
08:42Hey, save my place, Slim.
09:01I'll be right back.
09:03She's going to come out naked.
09:04Let's take our clothes off.
09:05And if she comes out fully clothed and we're standing in the middle of the room, El Buffo?
09:15He's right.
09:16We could get a chill.
09:19Look, let's compromise and take off our jacket and tie.
09:21You're still dressed?
09:34I wasn't sure, so I took off the jacket and tie.
09:36Oh.
09:37You're dressed and I'm not.
09:39What are we going to do about that?
09:43Oh, I'd hate for you to have to get dressed.
09:47I love commitment!
09:48You see, commitment will be a wonderful thing.
09:54Pass the soap.
10:01Okay.
10:02Condoms are on the night table.
10:03Where's the soap?
10:04He drops it again.
10:07You know, Herman, I'm beginning to think that this time is going to be different.
10:10I think maybe I can get romantically involved and not go crazy.
10:13I think maybe this time it's going to work.
10:15Elizabeth.
10:16Yes, Herman?
10:17You talk too much.
10:19I know.
10:26Ignore it.
10:30Go to the door and tell whoever it is to go away.
10:40Hi, Herman.
10:42I'm back.
10:42I'm back.
10:43Am I interrupting something?
10:52No, of course not.
10:53Herman.
10:54I mean, yes, you are.
10:55I get those two mixed up.
10:58Obviously, you're surprising me with a bad idea.
11:00Look, I'm back in town.
11:01I'm staying with my father.
11:03Why don't you call me tomorrow?
11:04Okay.
11:05You bet I will.
11:06Good to see you again, Herman.
11:07You bet I will.
11:09Yeah, maybe two.
11:12She's back.
11:13Susan is back.
11:18Susan is the past.
11:19Elizabeth is the present.
11:21So let's go and finish unwrapping our present.
11:23She'll hold this witness.
11:33Oh, Elizabeth.
11:34Where were we?
11:35Well, let's see.
11:36You and I were just about to make love when your ex-girlfriend showed up.
11:40What makes you think she's my ex-girlfriend?
11:43Herman, give me some credit.
11:44She's my boss's daughter.
11:45We saw each other for a little while, and then she left town.
11:48It's not a big deal.
11:49It is a big deal.
11:50She's back, and you clearly have feelings for her.
11:52I knew this would happen.
11:54I knew the second I trusted someone, the second I let down my guard and decided this time would be different.
11:58Elizabeth?
11:59I know.
11:59I talk too much.
12:08What's the matter, Herman?
12:09Look, maybe it's just too much too soon, but I can't do this right now.
12:12I mean, you are really great, Susan.
12:15I mean, Elizabeth.
12:17I'm sorry.
12:19It was a slip of the tongue.
12:21Come on.
12:22I know you're a reasonable person.
12:23Can we just talk about this?
12:26Hey!
12:27It was my last bottle of high karate.
12:29You know, that stuff is not easy to find.
12:33Look, I did not know she was going to be here.
12:36It's just one of those things.
12:37I swear I have not thought about her in days.
12:39I mean, mother.
12:42No, I mean Elizabeth.
12:43Susan.
12:45I mean, God.
12:47Well, it's been a wonderful relationship.
12:50Too bad it had to end like this, but we'll always have the last five minutes.
12:55Elizabeth, I really am crazy about you.
12:57Yeah, well, you say that like it's a consolation prize or like at this point I'm supposed to care.
13:01Yeah, but you do.
13:02Yes, I also like to go swimming after a big meal.
13:04I have a very self-destructive nature.
13:06I don't want this to end.
13:08I'm just not ready for it to start at this particular moment.
13:11Maybe in a few days.
13:11I'm just not sure what I want right now.
13:13Well, maybe this will help.
13:17I can't believe we let the half-naked chick get away!
13:20I thought you wanted Elizabeth.
13:23I love Elizabeth.
13:25I love Susan.
13:26I feel very strange.
13:29I want Elizabeth.
13:36I want Susan.
13:37Elizabeth.
13:38Susan.
13:41Strictly in the interest of peace, might I suggest we sleep with both of them?
13:50You've slept with her, haven't you?
13:57Well, we were kind of involved for a while.
13:59Well, that's not fair.
14:00How can you possibly make an informed decision?
14:03Well, I'm not going to lose you without giving it my best shot.
14:06Your best shot?
14:07Take off your clothes.
14:10Elizabeth, I don't know.
14:14Fair's fair.
14:14Well, I suppose I do have to make an informed decision.
14:26Hey, Louise.
14:26What do you got there?
14:28Office supplies.
14:29I am taking them, Herman.
14:30Don't try to stop me.
14:32I never took anything before.
14:33While everybody else was taking things.
14:35I want this, Herman.
14:36I really want this.
14:39What is it?
14:40Sixty million staples.
14:43Louise, that's crazy.
14:45You're right.
14:46You should have swiped a staple or two.
14:49Let me ask you something.
14:50Sure, Herman.
14:51How many you want?
14:53No, not that.
14:54I...
14:54Okay, I'll take two boxes.
14:58Louise, have you ever been in love with two guys at once?
15:01Of course.
15:03It was wonderful.
15:04I was in college.
15:06Really?
15:06What happened?
15:07Mel Gibson was married and Tom Selleck didn't return my calls.
15:11Oh, wait a minute, Herman.
15:13Am I to understand that you are in love with two women?
15:17Kind of.
15:17I was ready to make a commitment to Elizabeth.
15:20Then, out of nowhere, Susan Bracken returns.
15:23So, you're saying you have two fabulous women, both of whom are crazy about you, and you have to choose which one you want?
15:29Basically.
15:29So, basically, you have two women, and I have two cartons of staples.
15:36Imagine how depressed I'd be if I didn't have these staples.
15:40Herman, I want to talk to you.
15:41I didn't say anything to you yesterday because Susan wanted to surprise you.
15:49Well, she certainly did that.
15:51Well, you know how I felt about you seeing her.
15:53Yes.
15:54Yes, I do.
15:55Well, I want you to know that now I'm okay with it.
15:58Really?
15:59Now, you have my blessings, Herman.
16:01Only, don't break her heart.
16:02I might have to kill you.
16:03Well, we asked her to meet us, and there she is.
16:22What do we do now?
16:23Look, the heart is my department, and I say, listen.
16:30Susan.
16:30Hi.
16:31Hi, Herman.
16:32Thanks for seeing me.
16:34Look, I'm sorry about last night.
16:35I just thought it would be fun.
16:36I know, and it would have been.
16:37It's okay.
16:38So, who is she?
16:42Girlfriend?
16:43That's nobody special.
16:46Someone have been dating.
16:48So, what brings you back to New York?
16:50My dancing career is over.
16:52Torn Achilles tendon.
16:53I'm going to get a job and stay here for good.
16:55Well, I'm sorry about your dancing.
16:57No, it's okay.
16:58In fact, it's for the best.
16:59I was hoping you and I could pick up where we left off.
17:02I loved your letters.
17:04I loved yours.
17:05The whole time I was gone, I thought about you.
17:07I want to be with you, Herman.
17:09The other one scares me.
17:10I say Susan.
17:11Elizabeth.
17:13Susan.
17:14Elizabeth.
17:14The blonde at the bar.
17:20I'm sorry, what?
17:22I was asking if you've been thinking about me.
17:24Yeah, of course I have.
17:25Constantly.
17:26Fine, constantly.
17:30Elizabeth.
17:32Constantly as in every time we've gone out in the past few weeks.
17:34Susan, you remember Elizabeth from last night?
17:36Hello.
17:37Hello.
17:37Elizabeth is a writer.
17:42Susan is a dancer.
17:44I'm a dead man.
17:47Listen, Herman, there was something I wanted to say to you.
17:49I realized after I left last night that you're not choosing between Susan and me.
17:53You and I made a commitment.
17:55If you want her, you're going to have to dump me first.
17:58Look, Herman, if you've made a commitment, just tell me.
18:00I wouldn't call it a commitment.
18:04Although that's what it is.
18:07Come on.
18:08Jay.
18:09Susan.
18:09Jay.
18:10Cow.
18:11Scum.
18:13What kind of a commitment?
18:15Jay, you're just in time.
18:16Please join us.
18:17For God's sake, join us.
18:20I see what's going on here.
18:21You're in a lot of trouble.
18:22It's okay.
18:23I'm in your corner, Herman.
18:23I'm with you.
18:24I'm with you.
18:25So, what kind of commitment do you have with her?
18:27All right, cover up, Herman.
18:28Cover up.
18:31That's a good question, Herman.
18:32I'd like to know that, too.
18:34All right, Bob and leave, Herman.
18:35Come on.
18:35Bob and leave.
18:37I mean, after all, we did sleep together after she left last night.
18:41You didn't call me?
18:42I always call you.
18:45Herman, what's going on here?
18:47Louise.
18:47Come here.
18:48Look, everybody.
18:49It's Louise.
18:49And guess what?
18:49She has staples.
18:50Anybody want staples?
18:51Hey, hey, hey.
18:52Don't be giving away my staples.
18:53You got two women here.
18:54All I got are these staples.
18:57Hello, everybody.
18:58Hello, Mr. Fracken.
18:59Hello, Princess.
19:00Hi, Daddy.
19:01It's good to see you and Herman back together.
19:03Well, we're not quite back together.
19:05Herman's been seeing someone.
19:07Oh, really?
19:11Look, I really don't think that this is the place that...
19:13Herman, look.
19:14If you don't want me, I'd like to know now.
19:16I don't want to be strung along.
19:18I certainly don't want to be strung along, either.
19:20String them both along as long as you can.
19:23What'll it be, Herman?
19:25Choose, Herman.
19:25Yes, Herman.
19:26Choose.
19:27Well, I've narrowed it down to these two.
19:30I'm sorry, Mr. Fracken, but you're completely out of the race.
19:42Hi, I'm glad you could come.
19:45You were very brave back there at the bar to just come right out and see what you wanted
19:48in front of all those people.
19:50You mean a lot to me, Susan.
19:51You mean a lot to me, too.
19:54So, can I have the picture?
19:55Of course.
19:58There you go.
19:59It's a great picture of us.
20:00Yeah.
20:01It was really great to see you again, and I want you to know that what we had was very
20:06special, and I'll always remember it.
20:09I guess our timing's pretty bad.
20:13Are you going to be okay?
20:14I'll be fine.
20:16Take care, Herman.
20:17You, too.
20:19Tell Elizabeth that she's a very lucky woman.
20:25You're a very lucky woman.
20:34I heard.
20:36So, are you sure you made the right decision?
20:38Susan was someone from my past.
20:41We have something in the present.
20:43Can we get rid of that now?
20:45I can't just get rid of it.
20:47I'm going to put it here, so we'll always have it.
20:49All right.
20:51Ready?
20:52Ready.
20:57There.
20:58Now let's give a heart to Elizabeth.
21:00You give her the heart.
21:02I got a little something else she might enjoy.
21:03No, Herman.
21:06I know what we're doing is scary for you, and even though it'll work for about as long
21:10as that $5 watch I bought on the street, I think...
21:12Elizabeth?
21:13What?
21:13You talk too much.
21:15I know.
21:16I know.
21:22To Herman's Head at its regular day and time, Sunday after Married with Children.
21:26And tomorrow, the Heights James Walters and the cast of 90210 host a special night of
21:33original episodes.
21:34First on 90210, while Brenda was in Paris, Dylan and Kelly had a secret summer fling.
21:41But after tomorrow night, it won't be a secret...
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