- 10 hours ago
Herman must decide whether or not to hook up with his friend's ex, although the friend is ready to make up with her.
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00:00This is Herman Brooks.
00:15Herman is just like the rest of us.
00:18Every day he has to make all kinds of decisions.
00:22Like what to wear.
00:25Whom to date.
00:27And when to panic.
00:30Now, these decisions should be easy.
00:32But if you take a look inside Herman's head, you'll see why he sometimes has trouble making up his mind.
00:41I'm Herman's intellect. Without me, he couldn't hold his job, pay his rent, or tie his shoes.
00:46I'm Herman's sensitivity. Without me, he wouldn't feel tenderness, honesty, or love.
00:51The good things in life.
00:53I'm Herman's anxiety, and I keep him out of trouble.
00:55And believe me, there's trouble everywhere.
00:58I'm Herman's lust. Without me, he'd miss out on all the good stuff.
01:02You know, fun, food, babes.
01:05Sometimes they agree.
01:07Usually they don't.
01:09But this struggle is going on inside all of us.
01:12And it's all going on inside Herman's head.
01:16Good morning, Mr. Crawford.
01:34People.
01:38People.
01:39People.
01:39Pay attention.
01:41We're in a crowd here, and Mr. Crawford, our senior editor, is standing directly in front of us.
01:46Leave me alone.
01:47I'm tired, I'm hungry, and thanks to this idiot, there's no time for breakfast.
01:51I didn't want to be late.
01:52Being late upsets me, like New York upsets me.
01:56The subways, the homeless, the muggings, the stench.
02:00Wake me up when you get to the hookers.
02:04I'm so sick.
02:06I miss Ohio.
02:07I miss Mom.
02:08I miss Dad.
02:09I miss Pokey the parakeet.
02:10The parakeet's been dead for ten years.
02:13And you don't find that sad?
02:15I'll tell you what's sad.
02:16Breaking a date for three weeks in a row with Sally Cooper, just so we can bring home some extra work.
02:21Now that's sad.
02:22In my opinion, Sally Cooper is a slut.
02:24I have to share that opinion.
02:27People, please focus.
02:29Remember, Crawford has the power to hire, fire, and promote.
02:34So, let's say something a little pithy, shall we?
02:37Whatever we do, it's gonna have to wait, because first we're gonna sneeze.
02:41In front of all these people?
02:49Excuse me, Mr. Crawford.
02:53Hey, Hermie.
02:53Morning, Mr. Crawford.
02:55A little something on the back of your jacket today, sir.
03:00Hermann?
03:00Morning, Mr. Bracken.
03:03Research, what do you need?
03:05Moses and the ten plagues?
03:06Hold on.
03:08Blood, frogs, flies, lice, pestilence, boil, hail, locust, darkness, and death.
03:16Boy, you sure know your plagues, Mr. Bracken.
03:18My mother's Jewish.
03:23Louise, I want references on everything that's underlined.
03:26Yes, sir.
03:26And find out what smells in here.
03:29Yes, sir.
03:30Morning, Louise.
03:31Oh, morning, Herman.
03:32What is that smell?
03:34I think it's me.
03:38I was researching an article that said men are sexually attracted by these chemicals called
03:43pheromones.
03:43So, I bought this new perfume with sheep pheromones.
03:48What do you think?
03:49Do I smell like a wild woman?
03:53Wild is a good word.
03:55Gamey is another word.
03:58I'll take gamey.
03:59Thanks, Herman.
04:00Good morning, Hedy.
04:03Good morning, Herman.
04:04Oh, I see you're wearing your other shirt.
04:10Why, Louise, new perfume or are you dating a shepherd?
04:15Oh, you're dating a shepherd.
04:19Hedy, Herman, we have a lot of work to do.
04:21Louise, get off the phone.
04:22Assignments.
04:23Hedy, all articles on Scholastic Weekly Wedding Fashion World of Pets.
04:27Is there an animal in here?
04:30Herman, downhill skier, kitchens and corners, joggers quarterly, Louise, phone.
04:38Got it?
04:38Yes, sir.
04:39Good.
04:39I need two volunteers.
04:40Hedy, Herman, thank you.
04:42Robert, our senior editor, has deadlines for five new magazines.
04:46All articles must be checked for accuracy by tomorrow.
04:48No problem, Mr. B.
04:49I'll work all night long if I have to.
04:52I don't like her.
04:54She's a snake and she's trouble.
04:56But I bet you she'd be great in a sack.
04:58How can you possibly reduce everything to the level of sex?
05:03Saves time.
05:07No sweat, Mr. Bracken.
05:08It's as good as done.
05:11Research.
05:12William Kempler.
05:14Axe murderer, first man in electric duty of America.
05:17America, carbon six, 1790.
05:21You're welcome.
05:26Hedy.
05:27In your dreams, Jay.
05:30All right.
05:31Herman, fortunate smiles on you.
05:33We're going to the opening of a new club tonight.
05:35Can't.
05:35I'm working all night.
05:36There's a new position in Crawford's division and I want it.
05:40This is my chance to make an impression on him.
05:42Tonight, you and Connie are on your own.
05:44Oh, Connie.
05:45Yeah, Connie can't go either, actually.
05:47Okay.
05:48Call me if you change your mind.
05:51Herman, am I crazy or does something smell great in here?
05:53Who is it?
06:10It's me.
06:12Who's me?
06:12Everybody looks like Carl Malden through this thing.
06:17Connie.
06:19Hi, Connie.
06:20Hi, Herman.
06:21I really have to talk to you.
06:22I'm not disturbing your work, am I?
06:25But this?
06:26Yes, this.
06:27Our first opportunity to impress Mr. Crawford.
06:31Lighten up, stuffy.
06:33Official timeout.
06:34We've got a babe in the apartment.
06:39This is nothing.
06:40So, um, what's up?
06:44Jay was out with another woman last night.
06:47Vicki Holloway told me.
06:48You're kidding.
06:49Who was he with?
06:50Vicki Holloway.
06:51So, that's it.
06:54It's over.
06:55I move on.
06:57Oh, Herman, what am I going to do?
07:01Wait a minute.
07:02Soft?
07:02Round?
07:03Yes!
07:04We are holding a woman!
07:06This is not a drill!
07:11Connie has given us no overt sexual signals, and neither have we.
07:15Yeah?
07:16If she keeps holding her body against us like this, she's going to get an overt signal she's
07:19not going to believe.
07:23Please, let's not even think about anything where we might have to get na- naked.
07:30Don't worry, my pathetic little friend.
07:33We're here to give Connie solace, comfort, and friendship.
07:36Are you crazy?
07:38This is the girl of our dreams!
07:39And you know what kind of dreams I'm talking about.
07:43You mean the one where Mom's spanking us?
07:46Close.
07:50Connie, you know, maybe Jay just needs a good spanking.
07:56What?
07:59I'm sorry.
08:01I didn't just say spanking, I meant space.
08:04Maybe Jay just needs a little space.
08:06You know what, Herman?
08:10I ought to go out and have an affair myself.
08:13I'll just go out and find the first man I see,
08:16rip his clothes off, and give him the night of his life.
08:23What do you think?
08:24I think we get this girl some booze.
08:29How about a glass of wine?
08:33Thanks.
08:33Oh, Herman, I don't know if I really have it in me to have an affair.
08:38Maybe wine's not such a good idea.
08:41On the other hand, the thought of vengeful, unbridled sex really does excite me.
08:47You know what the heck, a little wine never hurt anybody.
08:50On the other hand, I really don't want to hurt Jay.
08:55Look, Connie, I don't think an affair is really the best idea.
08:59Having an affair is a great idea.
09:04She's vulnerable.
09:05She's in pain.
09:05She'll do anything.
09:06I know.
09:09Wait a minute.
09:10What are we doing here?
09:11We have got to get our work done.
09:13This is our chance to impress Crawford.
09:15The wuss here makes an excellent point.
09:17Dump the wound.
09:18All right.
09:19If we're going to dump her, let's dump her gently.
09:22Okay.
09:23When she's on her way out, let's look at her butt.
09:25Listen, Connie, I'm sure you're going to feel a lot better about this.
09:35Because why don't you just go home and sleep on it?
09:39You're right.
09:40Thanks, Armand.
09:42Hey, would you like to go out and have dinner tomorrow night?
09:45Tomorrow?
09:45Yeah, sure.
09:46Tomorrow is great.
09:47Great.
09:47Would it be all right if we just talk a little more?
09:57You are so sweet.
10:00You know, when I first met Che and we started going out, I thought this is the kind of man
10:05I can really open up to.
10:07This is the kind of man I could spend the rest of my life with.
10:16Research.
10:17That's what it says here.
10:19The average time for sex for humans is two minutes.
10:23Yes, that's with a partner.
10:29Hey, I can't talk, Jay.
10:31What's the problem?
10:32I fell asleep last night.
10:33I only checked one article.
10:34I am dead.
10:35So why?
10:35What is this, West Point?
10:37That's good, Jay.
10:38I lie.
10:39A mistake is made.
10:40The company gets sued.
10:40I get fired.
10:41And I never become a magazine writer in New York.
10:43I'll be back in Toledo shoveling fries at a burger steak.
10:46Connie and I broke up this morning.
10:49I'm sorry, Jay.
10:50Oh, hey.
10:51It happened two hours ago.
10:52You can't dwell on these things forever.
10:54It's time to rejoin the living.
10:56So what do you want to do tonight?
10:57Oh, I can't tonight.
10:59I'm busy.
11:00Why, Herman, do you have a date?
11:02Well, that's great, man.
11:03Way to go.
11:04She got a friend?
11:05Nah, never mind.
11:06I'll get my own.
11:07See you later, pal.
11:07Excuse me.
11:11You busy tonight?
11:14In the movie The Forbidden Planet, what was the name of the planet?
11:18Well, Terra 4 and have it by the crayon, a dead, alien, red meat, 1956 starring Leslie Nielsen.
11:24Get off the phone, Louise.
11:25Get off the phone, Louise.
11:28People, I need all completed work on my desk now.
11:31Okay, Bracken, I have to go to print.
11:33Is everything ready?
11:34Okay, what do we have, Eddie?
11:36All done.
11:36It's alphabetized, cross-referenced, and color-coded.
11:40Oh, yes, and I also baked some croissants.
11:43She is good.
11:45She is real good.
11:47Oh, my God.
11:50We only checked one article.
11:52What do we do?
11:52We get some black bikini underwear.
11:54Yeah, we...
11:55What are you talking about?
11:58They broke up.
11:59Jay wants her to be happy.
12:00I say tonight we wear black bikini underwear.
12:04Herman.
12:06Yes, Mr. Bikini.
12:10Yes, Mr. Bracken.
12:14I need that work.
12:16Are you finished with it?
12:19What do we do?
12:22Honesty is always the best policy.
12:24Not in this case.
12:25Yes, sir.
12:26All done.
12:28Checked every page.
12:29Jim Palmer, eat your heart out.
12:59This woman is coming here to talk.
13:03Where's your dignity, your honor, your sense of decency?
13:06They're in my pants.
13:08Now, honor is something to think about.
13:11I'll give you something to think about.
13:13There's a little fantasy I've been working on for the last two days.
13:15It goes something like this.
13:25Okay, honey.
13:26Do you like what you see?
13:30Here it is, pal.
13:31Come and get it.
13:32Hold it, hold it.
13:46Has anybody thought about this?
13:49Herman?
13:49Oh, God.
13:51What do you think you're doing?
13:53Candles, flowers, dinner?
13:55You are disgusting.
13:56You are a pig.
13:57Soon to be an unemployed pig.
14:00You know something?
14:01You are really a downer.
14:02If we ever become impotent, you can take a bow.
14:04This is ridiculous.
14:10Just a minute.
14:20You're coming.
14:27Hi.
14:28Oh, Herman, this is so sweet.
14:33We're sweet.
14:34Did you hear that?
14:35Yes, perhaps we should say something nice in return.
14:38Good idea.
14:39How about take off your dress?
14:41Oh, my God, Mom.
14:43I say take off your dress and you think about Mom?
14:46You've got a serious personal problem now.
14:49It's the 14th.
14:51We forgot.
14:52It's Mom's birthday.
14:58Herman, I never knew you cooked.
15:01I'm impressed.
15:02All this for me.
15:03Well, it's my mother's birthday.
15:05Oh, is she joining us?
15:07I don't think so.
15:09Oh, you cook.
15:10You're a great listener.
15:11You're intelligent.
15:12What don't you do?
15:14We don't tell the truth.
15:15That's what we don't do.
15:17We don't score either.
15:19I say we nail her.
15:23Look, if we're going to get involved with Connie,
15:26there's only one way to handle it.
15:27Find the spiritual connection.
15:29Treat her with honesty, respect, and sensitivity.
15:32And then we nail her.
15:38So anyway, I said if it's freedom you want,
15:40it's freedom you can have.
15:42Flowers and candles.
15:43What are they doing in the garbage?
15:46Herman, were these for me?
15:49For you, no.
15:51Yes.
15:54Oh, Herman.
15:56I don't know what to say.
15:57I'm sorry.
15:58I got a little carried away.
15:59I stopped thinking of you as a friend
16:01and started thinking of you as a woman.
16:04A woman?
16:05Why would you think of me as a woman?
16:08I don't know.
16:09The hair, the breasts.
16:14Were you planning to make a move on me?
16:17No.
16:17Listen, Connie, the truth is I like you.
16:27I have always liked you.
16:30Always?
16:31Since the first night we met,
16:32I couldn't take my eyes off you.
16:34You were wearing that funny floppy gray hat
16:37and I just thought you were the most
16:38beautiful woman that I had ever seen.
16:43Herman, this is a mistake.
16:55Big mistake.
16:56We shouldn't be doing this.
16:57I agree.
16:58Absolutely.
17:00Give me just one minute.
17:07Take two.
17:08Oh, boy.
17:20What do you have to say now?
17:21Our skin's about to clear up.
17:25Herman?
17:26Son?
17:27What about my birthday?
17:28Sorry, Mom.
17:29Not now.
17:33Condoms.
17:33Don't forget the condoms.
17:40Go away, whoever you are.
17:42Oh, Herman, I've got to talk to you.
17:44Who is it?
17:44Who the hell do you think it is?
17:47Carl Malden?
17:49It's Jay.
17:51Jay?
17:54Jay.
17:55Hi.
17:56Hi.
17:56I know you've got a date,
17:57but I've got to talk to you.
17:59Hey, where is she?
18:00She's in the bathroom.
18:01Oh, it's halftime, huh?
18:02Okay, I'll make this quick.
18:04Um, have you seen Connie?
18:06I can't find her anywhere.
18:07Connie?
18:08I thought you didn't care about her anymore.
18:09Yeah.
18:10Well, I was kidding myself, I guess.
18:12I can't stop thinking about her all day, man.
18:15Wow, I must really love her, I think.
18:18Look, look, if you do happen to see her,
18:20would you please tell her I'm really sorry,
18:21tell her I still care,
18:23and tell her whatever else you think might work, okay?
18:25If I see her, I'll tell her.
18:27Thanks, John.
18:27You're a good friend.
18:28Yeah, so are you, but...
18:29Another lie.
18:31Right into his face.
18:33Who do we lie to next, Connie?
18:35She is correct.
18:36We have a problem here.
18:37No, no, no, no, no.
18:38There's no problem.
18:39We just tell her the truth 20 minutes from now.
18:43Oh, by the way, J-Drop, bye.
18:45I saw this in a Doris Day movie.
18:54What do you think?
18:56No, please!
18:57I'm begging you!
18:59She has the right to know the truth!
19:01No, she doesn't!
19:02Herman.
19:07Herman.
19:08Connie.
19:09Herman.
19:09Connie.
19:10Connie, I have to tell you something.
19:14I can't do this.
19:16Herman, sometimes that happens to men.
19:21We can just hold each other.
19:24No, I can do that.
19:25Listen, J-Drop was just here.
19:31He was looking for you.
19:33Really?
19:34What'd he say?
19:35Well, it seems he feels he...
19:38Made a mistake?
19:39Yes.
19:39And he still loves me?
19:40Yes.
19:40And he wants to talk to me?
19:41Yes.
19:47Oh, Herman.
19:48Listen.
19:49You should talk to him, Connie.
19:50It's the right thing to do.
19:52You know, you didn't have to tell me all this.
19:56You could have waited until after.
20:02It crossed my mind.
20:05Get out of the house!
20:07No!
20:08No!
20:08No!
20:16They said drop a check with a text.
20:19Morning, everybody.
20:21What's the matter?
20:22A really big mistake was found after everything went to print.
20:25I knew it!
20:26I knew it!
20:26I knew it!
20:27I knew it!
20:27I knew it!
20:28And I'm telling you, we don't overlook things like that.
20:31If they said your articles were checked, they would check.
20:40Who's supposed to verify the World Anthropologist's articles?
20:44I think that was me.
20:46Oh, I knew it'd be you.
20:48Clean out your desk, Herbert.
20:49Herman.
20:50Whatever.
20:50Just a second.
20:53Herman works harder than anybody else here.
20:55I totally trust him.
20:56Herman, tell him you checked them.
20:57Would you like fries with your order, sir?
21:03How could he have checked it and let this go?
21:05The average weight of a Danish man's testicles is 24 ounces.
21:09He has people walking around Denmark with testicles that weigh a pound and a half.
21:21Maybe that's where the expression Great Dane came from.
21:23I'm sorry.
21:28I'm very sorry.
21:31Testicles?
21:32Wait a minute.
21:32We checked that.
21:34Wait a minute.
21:34I checked that.
21:35I did.
21:35I know I did.
21:37Let's see.
21:39Denmark testicles.
21:40That's 24 grams.
21:43It's grams.
21:44Not ounces.
21:44When that article left my desk, it said grams.
21:47You want to hang somebody, Crawford?
21:49You hang somebody in printing.
21:53Well, young man, it looks like I owe you an apology.
21:57That's okay, sir.
21:58We all make mistakes.
21:58Now, you handled yourself very well under pressure.
22:01You're going to make a name for yourself around here, Sherman.
22:03Sherman.
22:05Whatever.
22:08The odds of that were staggering.
22:11Phenomenal.
22:13Not really.
22:14You see, virtue is rewarded in many ways.
22:18Our honesty with Connie was paid back by the universe.
22:21What do you think, animal?
22:22I think I'm hungry, I'm still horny, and I've got to take a leak.
22:27Thank you for sharing.
22:28Hey, you got a minute?
22:34Sure, what's up?
22:34I just want to let you know that Connie and I got back together.
22:38Oh, that's great, Jay.
22:40Yeah, but I've got competition now, Herm.
22:42She was out with this unbelievable guy last night.
22:45She said it was the most romantic night of her life.
22:48Really?
22:48Of her life?
22:49Yeah, I'm in big trouble.
22:51You should have heard her.
22:51I'm never going to live up to this guy.
22:56Well, I'll catch you later, man.
22:58Nice going with Crawford, Herman.
23:02You mean Sherman.
23:04Whatever.
23:06Do you mind, Hedy?
23:07This is kind of personal.
23:09Well, you got lucky, huh?
23:10You could say that.
23:11Hi.
23:16Hi.
23:17I'm glad I caught you at home.
23:18Yeah.
23:19I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry about yesterday.
23:22Okay, but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you.
23:27Happy birthday, Mom.
23:28This Thursday, catch an all-new episode of 90210, Back to School.
23:43And Friday night, brace yourself for the series premiere of the ultimate sports action show,
23:49The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
23:54Now stay tuned for the Sunday comics next.
23:56The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
23:58The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
23:59The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
24:00The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
24:01The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
24:02The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
24:03The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
24:04The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
24:05The Ultimate Challenge, right after the season premiere of America's Most Wanted this Friday.
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