- 4 hours ago
When Herman's uncle has to have surgery, Herman is asked him to pray. Wimp, Genius, Angel and Animal meet God.
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FunTranscript
00:00Dangerous.
00:02Troubled.
00:04That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:06Is that all you can think about?
00:08Food and sex?
00:10Yes. Please, focus!
00:12Look out!
00:20Hey, it's Jack!
00:22No time for small talk, we're late.
00:26Teddy, hold the elevator.
00:28Heavy.
00:36I think your wings are so sweet.
00:38I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:40I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:44And I think you are all idiots.
00:46That's gonna work!
00:58What are you reading, Herman?
01:00It's a memo.
01:02It says a South American publisher is coming here today to discuss a merger with Waterton Publishing.
01:08He's a major player.
01:20He just bought Peru.
01:22Oh, buenos dias!
01:24Buenos dias!
01:26Buenos dias!
01:28You speak Spanish?
01:30No, but I can fake it.
01:32You speak Spanish?
01:34Compared to things I say, that'd be nothing.
01:36So, off the Saturday night.
01:38Uh, fai e con dios.
01:39Arros con pollo.
01:40Por favor.
01:41Hmm?
01:42Yes, let's see.
01:43Uh, Luis, would you show this gentleman the personnel he's applying for a position in building maintenance?
02:00Oh, what you wanna do is go down to the lobby, take the second bank of elevators up to the seventh floor, go down the hall, through the double doors, and ask to Donna.
02:11Kay?
02:12No, Kay is an accountant.
02:16Como?
02:17You have some.
02:20Herman.
02:21This is Eve Anderson.
02:22She works upstairs for Independent Woman magazine.
02:24Oh, right, right.
02:25They're falling a little behind next month,
02:27in case she needs a full-time researcher to help her out.
02:30I'm assigning you the job.
02:32So, Independent Woman magazine, huh?
02:34What can I do for you?
02:35I need a man.
02:36I can't cut it on my own.
02:37It's all chicks up there.
02:39Pardon?
02:40I'm kidding.
02:41I just need someone to help me check a lot of artists.
02:43We're way behind.
02:44Can you come upstairs a little later?
02:45Sure, sure.
02:48Lisa.
02:50Herman.
02:51It's your mom.
02:52Excuse me a minute.
02:54Hi, Mom, what's up?
02:55Uncle Wally, really?
02:58When's the surgery scheduled?
03:00Oh, yeah, of course I'll say a prayer for him.
03:05Church?
03:06Sure I go to church.
03:08What's church?
03:12A house of worship.
03:15The institution where we received our religious education.
03:19The place where they gave us the grape juice and the cracker.
03:25Oh, yeah!
03:29Okay, Mom, I'll go to church and pray for Uncle Wally.
03:31Just be sure and tell him I'm thinking of him.
03:33Okay.
03:34Bye-bye.
03:36Great.
03:37How am I gonna find a church?
03:39Why don't you come to the one I go to?
03:40Hmm?
03:41It's a great little church, 66 and Park.
03:43That's really nice of you.
03:44Well, it's not really selfish.
03:45For any new member I bring in, I get some tote bags.
03:48Okay.
03:51So, you interested?
03:52Alright, let's do it.
03:53Let's go on a daily disease check.
03:56Excuse me.
03:57Her hands.
03:58Look at her hands.
03:59So they're a little rough.
04:00Some lotion, I mean...
04:02You idiot.
04:03She has a ring on her finger.
04:04So she takes the ring off.
04:05I don't know what that means.
04:06Give me a hand.
04:07She's married.
04:08Give me another hand.
04:09Yeah, I'd love to go.
04:10Great.
04:11Well, see you later, Herman.
04:12See you later, Eve.
04:13And don't forget the potluck dinner in the church basement this Friday evening.
04:28Finally, let's conclude our service with a moment of silent prayer for those among us who are sick or in need.
04:35Now's our chance.
04:36I'll switch down that Eve chick's blouse while her eyes are closed.
04:40How can we think of her that way?
04:42She's a married woman.
04:43Hey, she's no saint.
04:44She's got a tattoo on her breast.
04:45There.
04:46Ha!
04:47Made you look.
04:49Did not know.
04:50Uh-huh.
04:51Okay, you two.
04:53Knock it off.
04:54Who said that?
04:55I did.
04:58Who the hell are you?
05:02I am the Lord thy God.
05:05King of the universe.
05:08Wait a minute.
05:09You're not God.
05:11You're Leslie Nielsen.
05:14Everyone has to picture something when they pray.
05:17Moses pictured the burning bush.
05:19Some people picture Charlton.
05:21Hester new Herman.
05:22Excuse me.
05:23Leslie Nielsen.
05:25Well, uh, no offense, but, uh, why would we picture Leslie Nielsen?
05:32Well, why not me?
05:33I've got white hair, a deep voice.
05:35I mean, I didn't just do all those naked gun pictures.
05:38You know, I'm also a very fine dramatic actor.
05:40I mean, you must remember me in that science fiction classic Forbidden Planet.
05:47I have no idea.
05:48This is who we've been afraid of all these years?
05:50This is God?
05:51It's not God.
05:52It's obviously an hallucination.
05:54You!
05:55Come unto me.
05:57Me?
05:58That's right.
05:59Unto you?
06:00Yes.
06:01So you don't believe that I exist?
06:02Well, I wouldn't...
06:03Ah!
06:04Now, how is that for existing?
06:05Now, you don't want me to make it rain frogs in here, do you?
06:06No, no, no, no, no, no.
06:08Thank you, sir, for smiking me.
06:10That is definitely God.
06:11Definitely God.
06:12Better let me handle this.
06:13Oh, great Jehovah!
06:14Why hast thou come us into our head at this particular moment?
06:15Speak English, would you?
06:16No!
06:17No!
06:18No!
06:19No!
06:20No!
06:21No!
06:22No!
06:23No!
06:24No!
06:25No!
06:26No!
06:27No!
06:28No!
06:29No!
06:30No!
06:31No!
06:32No!
06:33No!
06:34No!
06:35No!
06:36No!
06:37No!
06:38No!
06:39No!
06:40No!
06:41No!
06:42I come as because of Uncle Wally.
06:44Do the words triple bypass mean anything?
06:47Oh, that's a point.
06:49We would like you to spare his life.
06:52Yeah, I know.
06:53A lot of people have been calling me about Uncle Wally.
06:56Mainly Uncle Wally has been calling me about Uncle Wally.
06:59Hey!
07:00Hey!
07:01You!
07:02You!
07:03Stop eyeballing that woman's chest in my church.
07:06She's got a tattoo on her breast.
07:12Where?
07:13Ha!
07:14Made you look!
07:15Ha!
07:16Ha!
07:17Ha!
07:18Ha!
07:19Ha!
07:20Ha!
07:21Ha!
07:22Ha!
07:23Ha!
07:24Ha!
07:25Ha!
07:26Ha!
07:27Ha!
07:28Ha!
07:29Ha!
07:30Ha!
07:31Ha!
07:32Ha!
07:33Ha!
07:34Ha!
07:35Ha!
07:36Ha!
07:37Ha!
07:38Ha!
07:39Ha!
07:40Ha!
07:41Ha!
07:42Ha!
07:43Ha!
07:44Ha!
07:45Ha!
07:46Ha!
07:47Ha!
07:48Ha!
07:49Ha!
07:50Ha!
07:51Ha!
07:52Ha!
07:53Ha!
07:54Ha!
07:55Ha!
07:56Ha!
07:57Ha!
07:58Ha!
07:59Ha!
08:00Ha!
08:01Ha!
08:02Ha!
08:03Ha!
08:04Ha!
08:05Ha!
08:06Ha!
08:07Ha!
08:08Ha!
08:09Ha!
08:10Ha!
08:11I hope you don't mind if they eat lunch.
08:14I haven't had a chance to eat anything all day.
08:15No, no, no. Go right ahead.
08:18Okay, let's see here.
08:21Why don't we check the articles on, um...
08:23I know it's a thing.
08:30You're just watching her eat a banana.
08:32I'm surprised at you. She's a married woman.
08:34Well, I just...
08:35Now, you heard what God said. Get your mind out of the gutter.
08:39You're right.
08:41I'm a disgusting, storm-outed shrew.
08:43Yes, you are.
08:46They do not know
08:47that the fair eve shall soon be mine.
08:51Her budding lips will soon pass
08:53to favor the due of this.
08:57Well, anyway, I'm in an ale.
09:03Sorry.
09:04I guess I lost my train of thought.
09:06Oh, that's okay.
09:07Better get these up to my editor.
09:09Okay.
09:10See you later, Herman.
09:11See you.
09:13Everybody, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend.
09:16Is he your boyfriend?
09:18He is after last night.
09:19He took me bowling and then dinner at Papaya King.
09:22Ah, Hetty, he doesn't seem like a typical mark.
09:27Oh, he sure is.
09:28He took me to this place just to make sure I'm not a gold digger.
09:31But I smell money.
09:32My nose has never let me down before.
09:34Well, my nose and my tongue.
09:36Oh, is that all about?
09:50What?
09:51Oh, he just signed a contract with Waterton.
09:54Congratulations, honey!
09:59Come on, Pookie, you can buy me lunch.
10:01Como?
10:01Oh, isn't that cute?
10:03I call him Pookie.
10:04He calls me Como.
10:05Well...
10:06You know, I've always seen Hetty as a snob and a gold digger, but after seeing her stick her tongue halfway down a janitor's throat, I have a new respect for her.
10:18She's a fine, fine woman, sir.
10:25Herman, bad news.
10:27My editor needs to hold her flay out by tomorrow morning.
10:30Oh, well, um, okay.
10:32No problem.
10:32I can work late tonight.
10:33I can handle the awful fluorescent lights if you can.
10:36You know what?
10:37We have been in here all day.
10:38I could use a change of scenery.
10:39Why don't we go to my place?
10:41I knew it.
10:42You're just trying to maneuver that woman into bed.
10:44I beg your pardon.
10:45I'm getting a little tired of these accusations.
10:48We need a place to work.
10:50And out of the bowels of my heart, I offer our humble abode.
10:53And now?
10:55Now you cast dispersions on my motives?
10:57Well, you people obviously don't trust me anymore.
11:00I'm leaving.
11:02And don't try and stop me.
11:04Oh.
11:05No, no, please.
11:06We're sorry.
11:06Please.
11:07Oh, sorry.
11:07I'm sorry.
11:11I believe you.
11:13He's just coming over for dinner and work.
11:15That's right.
11:16All we do is work and eat.
11:18And if we bop her, who gets her?
11:24This is my address.
11:25How about, um, 7 o'clock?
11:27Thanks.
11:27Stay tonight.
11:30Well, I was going to invite you to the Knicks game, but I see you're busy.
11:33How come you haven't told me about the chick?
11:35There's nothing to tell.
11:36Jay, her name is Eve.
11:36She's married and we're working together.
11:38Oh.
11:38You're telling me you didn't take her out?
11:41Well, okay.
11:42Yeah.
11:42Yeah.
11:42We went to, uh, church.
11:44Oh, church, yeah.
11:45Church is a great place to meet women.
11:47Jay, I didn't go there to meet women.
11:49It's a church.
11:50Well, I made it in a church once.
11:52Get out of here.
11:53Yeah, I made it behind the pews.
11:55Get out of here.
11:57No, really, I did.
11:57No, I mean, get out of here.
12:06We're all all right.
12:07I think we're getting there.
12:08What's next?
12:09Here we go.
12:10We've still got to text women on the move.
12:12Groceries for 50 bucks a week.
12:14And 10 signs that your husband's cheating on you.
12:17I'll give that one to you.
12:19It's the third time you've pushed that article off on me.
12:22Is there something you're trying to say?
12:24Yeah, I'm saying I'm doing more work than you.
12:27All right, my husband's having an affair.
12:32And I'm doing more work than you.
12:36You're serious, aren't you?
12:39I'm sorry, Eve.
12:42I mean, about the affair.
12:44As far as the work goes, I think we're pretty easy.
12:48The truth is, Herman Bingwood, he's taken my mind off of it.
12:51I feel so comfortable with you.
12:53Good, good, because I like you very much.
12:55You are so sweet.
12:58I love us.
13:01Better hold that moment.
13:02We'll need it later.
13:05What are you talking about?
13:06Talking about doing this shit.
13:09You are lying.
13:11I should have known you were only pretending to care about the feelings.
13:13Hey, I didn't do anything.
13:15You guys seduced her.
13:16She said we were sweet.
13:17That's you.
13:18She said we were bright.
13:19That's you, egghead.
13:20She said we were comfortable to be around.
13:23That's, well, it's not you, but it sure as hell ain't me.
13:26The only thing I'm good for is crude, empty, shallow sex.
13:30And, of course, Tetris.
13:34So if you'll excuse me.
13:36Come on.
13:36Well, maybe we should get back to work.
13:44We really shouldn't be doing this.
13:46I'm sorry.
13:46I'm sorry.
13:47You're right.
13:48We should stop.
13:49Right.
13:50We should.
13:51Okay.
13:52So, why don't we...
13:53Eve, you okay?
14:07No.
14:08What are you doing?
14:10I've got to go, Herman.
14:11I've written the notes.
14:12Wait, wait, wait.
14:13Let's talk about this.
14:15I can't.
14:15I'm too upset.
14:16I can express my feelings better on paper.
14:18Here.
14:19Dear Herman, I've done a terrible thing.
14:21I have betrayed my husband and done a terrible thing.
14:24Maybe I could do it better verbally.
14:27Hey, Herman, I've done a terrible thing.
14:29Look.
14:30It happened.
14:32It's understandable.
14:33Your husband hurt me.
14:34He had an affair.
14:35I've got to go.
14:37Wait, Eve.
14:38Is there anything I can do?
14:40No.
14:41Bye, Herman.
14:43Oh, what a shame.
14:45I was hoping she'd stick around and cook us breakfast.
14:49We have done something awful.
14:51We left her in a moral crisis all because of you.
14:56Oh, my God.
14:57Oh, my God.
14:58Oh, my God.
14:59What do you want?
14:59What do you want?
15:00What do you want?
15:03Oh, great Jehovah.
15:05Allow me to grovel in thy presence.
15:08You can grovel all you want, sweetheart.
15:10You guys are still going to hell.
15:12Oh, excuse me.
15:13But by hell, you mean we'll be so stricken with guilt it'll feel like hell, correct?
15:17No, I mean you're going to burn in hell for eternity.
15:24Ah.
15:25Let's talk about eternity.
15:27Um, you mean that a mere second will be so horrible it'll seem like an eternity.
15:31Kind of like standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicle.
15:34Well, I mean eternity, forever.
15:39An ever-ending nightmare of pain and suffering and despair.
15:43More like waiting in line at the post office.
15:45Hey, Mom, listen, uh, I just wanted to apologize for insinuating anything about you and that
15:56each chick.
15:57Oh, don't worry about it.
15:58I mean, I know you're not the type of guy who would actually have sex with a married woman.
16:01Well, let's just forget it, Jay.
16:03I can't forget it, Mom.
16:04You're such a decent, moral person.
16:06You know, I wish I was more like you.
16:08Really, but, uh, I'm not.
16:11So, you think she sleeps with me?
16:12I have no idea.
16:16Well, you know her.
16:16Put in a good word for me.
16:17Talk me up.
16:18But, Jay, why would she be interested in someone like you?
16:20You're a shallow, crude, hedonistic womanizer.
16:23There you go.
16:23That kind of stuff.
16:26Guess what, everybody?
16:27He asked me to marry him.
16:29Woo!
16:30What's his name?
16:30The Spanish guy.
16:32You don't even know his name?
16:34Oh, I think it's Raul.
16:35Although, that might just be a noise he makes me want having sex.
16:38Anyway, it's not important.
16:40What matters is that I bagged a sucker, and now I'm going to be queen of Peru.
16:54Ah, Eddie.
16:56I am so very happy for you.
16:59If only you were standing in my shoes right now, you'd know just why I'm feeling such joy.
17:05Eddie, you're late.
17:06It's too bad, old man.
17:08I quit this thinking gig.
17:09You're talking to her next Ava Perron.
17:14Eddie, before you heard us all into a soccer stadium, I think I see her fiancé.
17:20What is he doing out there, Raul?
17:23They have people that do that.
17:27Oh, my God.
17:30Eddie, I regretfully accept your resignation.
17:34Mr. Packer, when I thought I was quitting, I meant quitting being wrote to you.
17:43Hey, Judge.
17:46Herman, the scene's editor.
17:50Hi.
17:51No, I haven't seen her.
17:53Why would I know where she is?
17:54Did you check her apartment?
17:57Well, look, if she's not working, she's not in her apartment, and God only knows where...
18:01Wait a minute, wait a minute.
18:02Maybe, maybe I do know where she is, um...
18:05I'll get back to you.
18:20I have a feeling I'd find you here.
18:22Your editor's been looking for you.
18:25You okay?
18:26Yes.
18:28I just had to get away and think about what I've done.
18:32I hate seeing you this way.
18:34Always.
18:35No.
18:36Shame.
18:37I'm not ashamed, Herman.
18:39I feel stupid.
18:40I did a stupid thing.
18:42Is there anything I can do?
18:44No.
18:45It's something I have to work out for myself.
18:47I just have to hope God will forgive me.
18:49You're lucky.
18:50You seem to have worked all that out already.
18:51Oh, yeah.
18:54Yeah.
18:54Yeah, I have.
18:55I, um...
18:56I did three acts of contrition.
18:59And, uh...
19:00One act of Forgy and Vest.
19:05I'm very happy for you, Herman.
19:08Be around.
19:21I don't get it.
19:36Why can't we sleep?
19:38Because there's something we have to do before we go to sleep.
19:40All right, but we just did that last night.
19:43I don't think she's talking about that.
19:46Look, when we were young and we would make a mistake, we would ask for forgiveness.
19:50That's the way we were raised.
19:52But that was years ago.
19:54Then let's do a full-time mistake.
19:56We say a prayer, God forgives us, and everything's fine.
19:59Ready?
20:00Come on.
20:02One, two, three, pray.
20:09You called the cable guy.
20:11Oh, you called the cable guy.
20:12No, I didn't.
20:13Excuse me.
20:13No.
20:15God, remember?
20:17All right, God, God.
20:19God.
20:21God.
20:24God, God, God, God.
20:28God, God, God, God.
20:31Woo-wee!
20:35That's ridiculous.
20:36We don't pray anymore.
20:37Well, maybe we should start.
20:39You know, there are people in this world in real pain.
20:41Imagine how Uncle Wally feels of Uncle Wally.
20:44His surgery was today.
20:46He forgot all about it.
20:52Mom, hi, Truman.
20:53I hate to call so late, but I just had to find out how Uncle Wally's doing.
20:58He is?
20:59Oh, thank God.
21:01You're welcome.
21:03You saved Uncle Wally's life.
21:06Yes, I did.
21:07You heard our prayer.
21:08Of course I did.
21:09Yeah, well, thanks for stopping by,
21:11but we know you're a busy guy.
21:12What was, uh, flying around the world in that sled
21:15delivering presents to children.
21:18That's Santa Claus.
21:22Whoa!
21:24Oh, aren't you guys forgetting something?
21:29Something you wanted forgiveness for?
21:32We're sorry for sleeping with Eve.
21:35I forgive you.
21:36After all, you're only human.
21:39Except for you, I don't know what the hell you are.
21:42You know, underneath all that wrath, you're real softy.
21:47Yeah.
21:49Anyway, I'll be soon.
21:55I'm sorry, Mom, what?
21:57Yeah, you know, I guess you did hear our prayers.
22:01A miracle?
22:02I don't know if it was a miracle.
22:04I mean, modern medicine being what it is,
22:06it's a pretty common operation.
22:07Whoa!
22:07Maybe it wasn't a miracle.
22:16Yeah, I know the odds of five to one.
22:18I'll give you all the fives,
22:19you just get the ones, okay?
22:21Watch the best.
22:22What?
22:24Oh, and I'll just call it a hunch.
22:29Hey, God.
22:30I know we got up on the wrong foot before,
22:32but I promise, from now on,
22:33I'll take you more seriously.
22:34Well, I'm glad to hear that, son.
22:35Hey, look at that babe over there.
22:37Where?
22:38Huh?
22:38Maybe look.
22:41I love doing that.
22:42This city is exciting.
22:59Dangerous.
23:01Troubled.
23:03That woman's not wearing underwear.
23:05Is that all you can think about?
23:07Food and sex?
23:09Yes.
23:09Please, focus.
23:11Look out!
23:12Hey, it's Jay!
23:22No time for small talk.
23:23We're late.
23:25Hey, hold the elevator.
23:27Heavy.
23:35I think Louise is so sweet.
23:37I think this woman is wearing underwear.
23:39I think there's too many people in this elevator.
23:42And I think you are all idiots.
23:45Let's go to work.
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