- 23 hours ago
Jay talks Herman into going to a single parents meeting. Herman meets a wonderful woman, but bonds with the son more than her.
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00:01Trouble?
00:03That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:05Is that all you can think about? Food and sex?
00:09Yes. Please, focus!
00:11Look out!
00:19Hey, it's Jack!
00:22No time for small talk, we're late.
00:25Petty, hold the elevator!
00:27Petty!
00:30I think Louise is so sweet.
00:37I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:40I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:42And I think you are all idiots.
00:45That's gonna work!
01:00Okay, here it is. A meeting of the Single Parents Association.
01:13Jay, what are we doing here?
01:15Are you kidding? This place is filled with horny, desperate women on the prowl.
01:19They never got what they needed from their ex-husbands, and they want it from us.
01:25Excuse me, I'm just getting a little misty-eyed.
01:28Mr. Bracken?
01:30Mr. Bracken, I thought that was you.
01:32Oh, Herman, I'm actually, I'm not here for the meeting.
01:34What I mean is, I need a file of...
01:38Aw, hell.
01:40Mr. Bracken, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
01:42I guess you're right.
01:43There's nothing wrong with admitting that since my divorce, I've been a little lonely looking for the female version of myself.
01:49Time to put 25 years in the research room to work.
01:55Excuse me, miss. Did you know that a woman over 30 has less of a chance of getting married than being struck by lightning?
02:04Well, now that I've lowered her standards sufficiently, I'll move in for the kill.
02:12Jay, I don't know about this. If these people find out we don't have kids, we'll look like idiots.
02:16Yeah, that's why you have to lie.
02:18So, here's what we're gonna say. Our wives left us. Um, why'd they leave us? Help me out here.
02:24How about this? Our wives ran off with each other.
02:27Ooh.
02:29That's compelling.
02:30You and I were coming back from services on Sunday afternoon.
02:33Good, good.
02:34And we stumbled upon our wives naked in the hot tub exploring alternative lifestyles.
02:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:40And they didn't see us come in.
02:42We stood there for hours watching them discover the secrets of Thai massage.
02:47What do you think about that, Jay?
02:52Jay.
02:54Why'd they leave us, Herman? We're to let them keep seeing each other.
02:58See you later, Jay.
03:00Excuse me, I'm sorry.
03:01No, that was my fault. I'm a little nervous.
03:03Never been to one of these before.
03:06So, uh, you two are divorced?
03:08Actually, our wives ran away with each other.
03:12They now make videos in a small warehouse in Reseda, California.
03:16Jay.
03:18Beat it.
03:19All right.
03:22I'm sorry, uh, did you say you are divorced?
03:25Yeah.
03:26Yeah, I am.
03:27Why are we lying to this woman?
03:29The thrill of the con.
03:30You know my dream has always been to be a Mississippi riverboat gambler.
03:34Hey, wait a minute.
03:36I have no intention of sleeping with this woman under false pretenses.
03:44I don't know. They look pretty real to me.
03:47We are not going to lead her on.
03:49Listen, I have to be honest with you. I am not a single parent.
03:53So you're just here to scam divorced women because you think we're horny and desperate?
03:57I wouldn't say that.
03:58So you deny it?
03:59No, I just wouldn't say it.
04:01I don't mean to upset you, but vaudeville is dead.
04:05Look, my friend invited me down here.
04:07I figured I'd have a quick drink and leave, but then I met you and you seemed so nice.
04:13I had to lie to you.
04:15Well, it's been a real pleasure.
04:16Oh, my God. Here he comes. Quick. Pretend we're kissing.
04:26I'm sorry. I had to do that.
04:28You can't believe how boring and depressing that guy is.
04:32Oh, yes, I can.
04:34Look, I'm the one who's sorry. How about if I buy you a drink?
04:38Oh, no. I have to get home. My sitter's boyfriend gets off work at 7.
04:41If I'm not home by 8, they will have sex in front of my son.
04:43Sure.
04:45Oh, wait, wait, wait.
04:46Pretend again.
04:48Is there someone here you're trying to avoid?
04:50No. No.
04:53It just felt so nice when you did it, I thought it was worth repeating.
04:58I see.
05:00So, can I buy you that drink now?
05:02Sure.
05:03And that's when the tree snapped and my wife was crushed to death.
05:11So, I did the only thing I could. I turned her room into a rumpus room.
05:17It's got a pool table, a neon beer sign, a clock that says the bar opens at 6 and all the numbers are sixes.
05:24It's really neat.
05:28I think she would have wanted it that way.
05:34You got on three dates, you haven't met the kid yet?
05:36He's been with his father all week. I'm gonna meet Brad tonight.
05:39Oh, you nervous?
05:40Yeah, a little.
05:41Well, here, let me show you a few tricks that are guaranteed to please.
05:44Oh, I think you lost this.
05:46Then, of course, there's always,
05:47Bonk!
05:48Got your nose!
05:49Got your nose!
05:50And this one.
05:51This one never fails.
05:52Oh, my thumb!
05:54Oh, my thumb!
05:55What shall I do?
05:58Hey, no kid is gonna fall for that.
06:00I don't know.
06:01Chick's eye date, eat it up.
06:05Hey, Herman.
06:06I told my therapist about your meeting Karen's kid and apparently it's a very complex dynamic.
06:10You have to speak his language but don't be condescending.
06:13You have to gain his trust but don't be too solicitous.
06:15And you have to show him that you care but don't try to replace his father.
06:19Your psychologist told you this?
06:20No, that's my advice.
06:21My psychologist said to do this.
06:23Oh, my thumb!
06:24Oh, my thumb!
06:25What shall I do?
06:40You are such a great kisser.
06:42That's nothing.
06:43I got a few more tricks up my sleeve.
06:45You're not gonna do that stupid thing with your thumb again, are you?
06:50Of course not.
06:52Oh, I do have this great bit where I pull a quarter out of your ear.
06:56I think I'll pass.
06:58All right, maybe Brad will go for it.
07:00Wait, wait.
07:01What's the rest?
07:02Well, Karen, is there some reason you don't want to go inside?
07:05All right.
07:06To be honest, I'm a little nervous.
07:07It's the first time you're gonna meet Brad and it's very important to our relationship that you get along with him.
07:11Oh, come on.
07:12Why wouldn't I get along with him?
07:14He's very precocious.
07:16He's precocious.
07:17Oh, my God.
07:18That's so sad.
07:23Do you even know what precocious means?
07:25Yeah, it means he has to breathe through all those little tubes.
07:29No, it means he's wise beyond his years.
07:33He's like me.
07:35Oh, my God.
07:36That's so sad.
07:37You're awfully quiet.
07:40What's wrong with you?
07:42I don't know.
07:43Something just doesn't feel right to me.
07:46Maybe it's this.
07:51No, that wasn't it.
07:55Don't worry.
07:56I'm sure I'll love him.
08:02Hi.
08:03I'll just take care of Mrs. Livingston.
08:07Hi.
08:14So you must be Brad.
08:17No, I'm Mrs. Livingston, the elderly babysitter.
08:22What a cute little boy.
08:30Does that head come off?
08:34So, what do you do for a living?
08:36I'm a researcher and a fact checker.
08:40That's it?
08:43Well, I really want to be a writer.
08:45Have you written anything?
08:46Yeah, I've written lots of things.
08:48Anything I might have read?
08:50Shouldn't you be in bed?
08:52Shouldn't you be driving a hay wagon?
08:54Okay, I hate this kid.
08:55Don't be quick to judge.
08:56We just have to find a way to reach him.
08:57Oh, he's eight years old for crying out loud.
08:58How do we possibly relate to him on any level?
08:59How are you two getting along?
09:00Great.
09:01Great.
09:02We have a lot in common.
09:03He's lying.
09:04Now, Brad, why don't you get ready for bed?
09:05I don't want to go to bed.
09:06Come on.
09:07I don't want to go to bed.
09:08Come on.
09:09All right.
09:10I might as well go before this Yahoo tries to pull a quarter out of my ear.
09:14Look, Karen, I had a great time tonight, but maybe I better be going.
09:15I've got some work I've got to do.
09:16No, please don't go.
09:17Brad was just testing you.
09:18Yeah, yeah.
09:19Well, I think I failed.
09:20It's late.
09:21He's a little grouchy.
09:22He's going to sleep anyway.
09:23We can't sleep anyway.
09:24We can't sleep anyway.
09:25We can't sleep anyway.
09:26We can't sleep anyway.
09:27We can't sleep anyway.
09:28We can't sleep anyway.
09:29We can't sleep anyway.
09:30We can sleep anyway.
09:31We can sleep anyway.
09:32We can sleep.
09:33He's lying.
09:34He's lying.
09:35Now, Brad, why don't you get ready for bed?
09:36I don't want to go to bed.
09:37Come on.
09:38All right.
09:39Yeah, yeah.
09:40Well, I think I failed.
09:41It's late.
09:42He's a little grouchy.
09:43He's going to sleep anyway.
09:44We can just try this whole thing another time.
09:46Right now, you and I can be alone.
09:49Isn't that what we want?
09:52Yeah.
09:58Bradley!
10:06Bradley, what happened?
10:08I was attacked by a ruthless, vicious eight-year-old.
10:16Is Mr. Bracken in?
10:17I need some advice.
10:18Herman, how come you always go to him?
10:20How come you never come to me for advice?
10:22Okay, Louise.
10:23I'm having trouble with Karen's son.
10:25He doesn't respect me.
10:26Uh-huh.
10:27Piece of cake.
10:28Had the same trouble with my cat, Nuppy.
10:31He fought with the other cats.
10:32He tore up my couch.
10:33He sprayed all over the place.
10:35So what'd you do?
10:36I don't know.
10:37I think I should do.
10:40Maybe I better go talk to Mr. Bracken.
10:46Mr. Bracken?
10:47You decent?
10:49Come on in.
10:51What happened to you?
10:52Well, sir, I went to meet my girlfriend's son for the first time and we didn't hit it off.
10:56Oh, I can see that.
10:57Oh, I can see that.
10:58He called me a loser.
10:59Ah, the boy's acting out.
11:01He shot me with an arrow.
11:02He's testing you as a potential father figure.
11:05He made fun of research.
11:06Hello, punk.
11:07Hey, Mr. Bracken, I really like this woman, you know?
11:12But if I can't get along with her son, I'm afraid there can't be anything between us.
11:16Herman, children need to know who's in charge.
11:19Just remember, you're the adult, he's the child.
11:22Treat him fairly, but with discipline.
11:24And if he does something you don't like, withhold love.
11:30Withhold love?
11:31That's how my father raised me, look how I turned out.
11:45Hi.
11:46Brought some wine?
11:47Oh.
11:48Where's Brad?
11:49Oh, he'll be here any minute, he had baseball practice.
11:51Oh, great.
11:52Great, so I'll have a bat.
11:55Herman, it means a lot to me that you're trying to make things work with Brad.
11:59Well, you mean a lot to me.
12:04What are you doing to my mom?
12:08I'm kissing her.
12:10Well, cut it out.
12:11I'm impressionable.
12:13This could scar me for life.
12:16Bradley.
12:17Look, Brad, your mother and I are friends, and I think you and I should try to get along.
12:21Why?
12:24This kid's really starting to get me ticked.
12:27Now remember what Bracken said.
12:29Withhold love?
12:30No.
12:31He told us that we must take charge, so let's take charge.
12:33Whatever that thing was is still bothering me.
12:36Oh.
12:37Could it be this?
12:38No, that's not it either.
12:39Excuse me.
12:40You want to put that back where you got it from?
12:41Oh, sure.
12:42What?
12:43Hal, it's not polite to poke people.
12:44He's right, Brad.
12:45Now, why don't you wash up for dinner?
12:47I already told Jimmy I'm eating at his house.
12:48Why don't you invite Jimmy here?
12:49Stay out of this.
12:50It's okay, Herman.
12:51Okay, you can eat at Jimmy's.
12:52But wash up first.
12:53I'll open the line.
12:54What is your problem?
12:56You're my problem.
12:57Well, that is too bad because I'm here and you're going to have to get used to it.
12:58You'll be gone soon enough.
12:59Maybe I will.
13:00Maybe I won't.
13:01But I'm here now and you're going to start being nicer to me.
13:02And if I'm not?
13:03I am going to cut you open, boil your fat, and sell you to the Eskimos for lamp oil.
13:04I'll put you in the air.
13:05You're not here.
13:06Stay out of this.
13:07It's okay, Herman.
13:08Okay, you can eat at Jimmy's.
13:09But wash up first.
13:10I'll open the line.
13:11What is your problem?
13:12You're my problem.
13:14Well, that is too bad because I'm here and you're going to have to get used to it.
13:16You'll be gone soon enough.
13:17Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
13:18But I'm here now and you're going to start being nicer to me.
13:19And if I'm not?
13:20I am going to cut you open, boil your fat, and sell you to the Eskimos for lamp oil.
13:32Cool.
13:33Tell Mom I'll be back after dinner.
13:37Look, you're not going anywhere.
13:38Yes, I am.
13:39No, you're not.
13:40Yes, I am.
13:41No, you're not.
13:42Mom!
13:43Look, your mom is not going to help you.
13:44No, you're going to do what I say.
13:45You're going to stop poking me, you're going to listen to your mom, and you're going to
13:48stay here for dinner.
13:49Give me that damn bat.
13:51So, let me show you how to hit the old curve ball.
13:57Got it?
13:58Got it.
13:59Good.
14:00You've been seeing Karen for over three weeks now.
14:07I think that's wonderful.
14:08So, are you getting any?
14:11Jay, can we please not have this conversation in the hallway?
14:14Not getting any.
14:17You still having trouble with the kid?
14:19No, you know, actually, I filtered out the psychotic part of Bracken's advice and came
14:22away with something useful.
14:23No kidding.
14:24Yeah, you know, ever since I laid down the law, we've gotten along great.
14:27Yeah, in fact, she's going to be here any minute.
14:29I'm going to show him around the office, and then I'm going to take him out for pizza.
14:32Just me and him.
14:33Oh, great.
14:34Can I come?
14:36No, I think we want to be alone.
14:38You know, just the two of us.
14:39Fine, fine.
14:40Guess I'll call up that woman I met at Single Parents Association.
14:42Things have been going great with her, by the way.
14:44Good for you.
14:45Have you been handling the thing with the kid?
14:47That's been okay.
14:48I had to spank her a few times.
14:49Really?
14:50Well, it's only fair if she spanked me first.
14:54Jay, how old is this kid?
14:55She told me she was 18, and I didn't feel the need to check into it any further.
15:00When's Brad going to get here?
15:01When's Brad going to get here?
15:02All right, all right.
15:03Settle down, young man.
15:04I want to take him to eat hot dogs and show him how to spit off the top of the Empire State Building
15:09and teach him offensive euphemisms for body parts.
15:12Hi.
15:15Hi, Karen.
15:16Hi.
15:17Hi.
15:18Where's Brad?
15:19I thought Mrs. Livingston was going to bring him.
15:20No, I brought him.
15:21Your friend Jay is showing him how to belly slide on a freshly waxed floor.
15:25Where?
15:26In the lobby?
15:27Cool.
15:28Pardon?
15:29Oh, you're right.
15:30You're right.
15:31Maybe later.
15:32I've got a great night planned for me and Brad.
15:33So, anyway, you go to your meeting, don't worry about a thing, and I promise I'll have
15:36him back by 9.
15:37Well, that's what I came here to tell you.
15:38My meeting was canceled, so it turns out I can come with you and Brad.
15:41No kidding.
15:42So, what are we going to do?
15:45Well, we were going to go get pizza and then go to the monster truck show.
15:50Are you serious?
15:52Yeah, yeah.
15:53Truckenstein is going to be there.
15:56I didn't think they were going to be able to rebuild him after that last grudge match
15:59with Dracula.
16:01I have a better idea.
16:02Why don't we drop Brad off with Mrs. Livingston and go see Enchanted April?
16:07I'd rather go shopping with my mother for swimsuits.
16:12You don't have to be sarcastic.
16:14Look, why don't we just get the pizza first and then we'll take it from there.
16:18Does it have to be pizza?
16:19No.
16:20No.
16:21No, I guess not.
16:22Hi!
16:23Hey!
16:24Bradarinsky!
16:25How are ya?
16:26Where's Jay?
16:27Oh, he just did the coolest thing.
16:29He slid all the way across the lobby and into the elevator just as the doors closed on
16:34his head.
16:35Where is he now?
16:37The fire mare taking care of him now.
16:40Much of the bleeding has stopped.
16:43Good enough.
16:44Okay, come on.
16:45I want to introduce you around the office.
16:47Hey, everyone.
16:48Hattie, Louise.
16:49This is Brad.
16:50Hi.
16:51How's it going, Brad?
16:53Let's see.
16:55One of you never does it.
16:57And one of you does it with everybody.
17:03I'm guessing.
17:04And let's see.
17:05This is Mr. Bracken.
17:08This the kid who hates research?
17:10It's okay, Mr. Bracken.
17:12He's reformed.
17:13This is Brad.
17:14Mm-hmm.
17:15Pleased to meet you, Brad.
17:16I'm Paul Bracken.
17:18But all my friends call me Mr. Bracken.
17:22Feel free to enjoy our facilities.
17:24You'll find our resources are as boundless as the imagination.
17:29Herman, that man will be in my nightmares, won't he?
17:32Yes, Brad, I'm afraid he will.
17:36Oh, well, what are we going to do, Herman?
17:39Well, first, we are going to go eat pizza until we puke.
17:43Cool.
17:45Oh, that's right.
17:46No, no, you guys go do pizza and truck and stein.
17:49I'll go to my movie.
17:50I'll see you back at the apartment at 9.
17:51Have fun.
17:52See ya.
17:53Okay, bud.
17:54You go grab the elevator and I'm going to get my stuff together.
17:57Okay.
17:58Wait for me, Brad.
17:59I'm going down, too.
18:00Let's go laugh at Uncle Jay's head wound.
18:03Herman, how's it going with Karen?
18:06Fine.
18:07Oh, I forgot to tell you, Brad is taking karate.
18:09Ah, that's great.
18:10Sounds like it's getting pretty serious.
18:11It is, it is.
18:12His instructor says he's the best in the class.
18:14Uh-huh.
18:15Herman, would it be presumptuous of me to suggest that your relationship with Karen is based purely on your mutual affection for Brad?
18:21Yes, it would.
18:24That's what I thought.
18:25In that case, have you seen this one?
18:27Oh, my Tom!
18:28Oh, my Tom!
18:29What shall I do?
18:32Oh, my God.
18:33Louise is right.
18:34That's it.
18:35That's what's been bothering me.
18:36We'd rather go out with Brad than with his mom.
18:44Well, you really must have had a great time.
18:46Even though he's half asleep, he's still talking about Dracula.
18:49Yeah.
18:50Well, it was great to see Chuck and Stein finally get revenge.
18:54I'm sorry, I didn't want to go out.
18:56I guess I really just wanted to be alone with you.
19:02I think this might be a good time to tell her it's over before her hand gets any lower.
19:05I don't understand what went wrong.
19:09She's beautiful.
19:10She's sensitive.
19:11She's smart.
19:12You're right.
19:13It all adds up and yet we just don't feel anything for her.
19:15Why?
19:16Why don't we want to jump this woman?
19:18It's easy.
19:19She's her friend's mom.
19:20Uh, Karen, Karen, I need to talk to you.
19:23Is there something wrong?
19:24Yeah.
19:25Yeah, it's about, uh...
19:26You and me?
19:27Yeah.
19:28Yeah.
19:29I've...
19:30You know, I've come to realize that this...
19:32Isn't working out.
19:33Yeah.
19:34Yeah.
19:35You know, because you and I, there's just no...
19:38Chemistry.
19:39Yeah.
19:40Oh, Herman.
19:41I'm not stupid.
19:42I knew this was coming for a few days now.
19:44We're just very...
19:45Different.
19:46Right.
19:47And I knew this wasn't gonna work out, even though I think you're...
19:50Wonderful.
19:51An okay guy.
19:52What's wrong with Wonderful?
19:55All right.
19:57All right.
19:58Look.
19:59You know, maybe we're better off as friends.
20:01Maybe.
20:02Yeah.
20:03Yeah.
20:04And it's nice knowing that whenever I come around to see Brad, I can see you too.
20:07Hold on.
20:08Wait.
20:09Back up.
20:10You're not gonna be seeing Brad.
20:11Of course I am.
20:12We're pals.
20:13Herman.
20:14Someday I'm gonna find the right man.
20:16And when I do, it's gonna be a little weird to have to say,
20:19Oh, that's Herman, my ex-boyfriend and my son's 30-year-old playmate.
20:24No, when you put it like that...
20:26Can you honestly put it any other way?
20:29No, I guess not.
20:32Mom, I'm having a nightmare.
20:34I think Mr. Bracken is under my bed.
20:38Oh, honey, I'll be right there.
20:39I was just saying, uh, goodnight to Herman.
20:42It's been really wonderful knowing you.
20:49I'll explain everything to Brad.
20:51You know, if you don't mind, I think this is something I should do myself.
20:57Good luck.
21:01Brad, can I talk to you for a minute?
21:03Well, here it comes.
21:06So long, Herman.
21:07Wait.
21:08Wait.
21:09I know what you're going to say.
21:11You're breaking up with my mother and you won't be coming around anymore.
21:15Believe me, Brad, I wish I could.
21:17Yeah, yeah.
21:18Brad, come on.
21:19This is not easy for me.
21:20It's like...
21:22It's like when you make a new friend and then suddenly you find out he's moving away.
21:26It doesn't seem fair.
21:28Well, you're just gonna have to be an adult about this.
21:33And nice knowing you, Herman.
21:40I'm gonna miss you, Brad.
21:41I'm gonna miss you, too.
21:42I'm gonna miss you, too.
21:43I'm gonna miss you, too.
21:49Come in.
21:50Come in.
21:51I'm gonna miss you, too.
21:52Thanks, hard.
22:01Bye.
22:08Bye.
22:11We loaned from people.
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