- 5 weeks ago
Herman and Heddy are asked to speak at a party in honor of Mr. Bracken's 20 years with the company.
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00:00This is Herman Brooks. Herman is just like the rest of us. Every day he has to make all kinds of decisions. Like what to wear, whom to date, and when to panic.
00:19Now, these decisions should be easy, but if you take a look inside Herman's head, you'll see why he sometimes has trouble making up his mind.
00:30I'm Herman's intellect. Without me, he couldn't hold his job, pay his rent, or tie his shoes.
00:36I'm Herman's sensitivity. Without me, he wouldn't feel tenderness, honesty, or love. The good things in life.
00:42I'm Herman's anxiety, and I keep him out of trouble. And believe me, there's trouble everywhere.
00:48I'm Herman's lust. Without me, he'd miss out on all the good stuff. You know, fun, food, babes.
00:54Sometimes they agree. Usually they don't. But this struggle is going on inside all of us. And it's all going on inside Herman's head.
01:06I'll get you those facts right away. We have the most technologically advanced database system in the industry.
01:21Mr. Bracken, how hot is the sunspot? Roughly 7,263 degrees. Who was Sir Galahad's father?
01:27Sir Lancelot. What are the first three lines of the fourth song the Beatles released in the United States?
01:31Yeah, yeah, yeah. She loves you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She loves you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:35Yeah.
01:38Morning, Herman.
01:39Morning, Louise.
01:40Mr. Bracken, say anything about me being late?
01:42No, I don't think he noticed it.
01:44This is a man who knows the rectal temperature of a three-toed sloth.
01:48He knows that. He knows I'm late.
01:50Well, he's been in a really good mood lately. Maybe he won't say anything.
01:53You're late, Herman.
01:55What's the rectal temperature of a three-toed sloth?
01:5991.5 degrees.
02:03Pretty frightening, huh?
02:07You're in a good mood today.
02:08I am?
02:09Why, are you singing to yourself?
02:10I do that sometimes.
02:11Me too.
02:12My therapist says that music is the essence of the human soul given voice.
02:18What are you humming, Herman?
02:19Oh, nothing special.
02:20This is the tale of our castaways.
02:22They're here for a long, long time.
02:24Enough.
02:25I can't take it anymore.
02:27Wait, I'm getting to the good part.
02:28There's Gilligan.
02:30The skipper too.
02:33Where in the depths of your ignorance did you come up with this song?
02:37Somewhere around here.
02:40Herman, have you noticed Mr. Bracken's breath lately?
02:43Yeah, it's pretty lethal.
02:45Somebody's gonna have to tell him.
02:47It's a tough one, Louise.
02:48Who would be that insensitive?
02:50Go out with you?
02:51If I had no face, I could do better.
02:53I could do better.
02:56May I have your attention?
02:57Being as I'm in a rare good mood and feeling warmth and compassion for my fellow man...
03:03Excuse me.
03:04I'm the new mail clerk.
03:05Get the hell out of here.
03:06Can't you see I'm talking to my people?
03:11Now, where was I?
03:12Warmth and compassion.
03:13Ah, yes.
03:14Tomorrow is my 20th anniversary with Waterton Publishing.
03:17There's going to be a company party here in the research room and I will be receiving a service award.
03:23What if...
03:26Mr. Crawford thought it would be a nice touch if someone said a few words about me.
03:31So, Herman, I'd like you to prepare a five, ten minute speech.
03:34Me, sir?
03:36What an opportunity.
03:37At last we get to impress the executives.
03:39Perhaps even get a promotion.
03:41I hate speaking in public.
03:43Are you still worried about that little problem we had in grade school?
03:46You mean the Hiawatha speech?
03:48Where we stuttered, wet our pants, and then threw up on the stage?
03:53That little problem?
03:55Thanks.
03:56I forgot about the wetting our pants.
03:58That's a wonderful opportunity.
04:00Thanks.
04:01It would be my pleasure.
04:02Actually, Mr. Bracken, I would consider it a great honor if I were allowed to say a few words also.
04:06Oh, I don't know.
04:07Two tributes.
04:09Okay.
04:11Thank you, sir.
04:12I will do a bang-up job.
04:14You had better.
04:15All the top company executives will be there.
04:18I can't believe she just weaseled her way into our chance to shine.
04:21Forget her.
04:22We are going to speak, orate, communicate, and soliloquize before the masses.
04:26What the hell did he just say?
04:29He said we're going to wet our pants again.
04:41Hi.
04:43Beat it.
04:45Beat it?
04:46Well, at least we're talking.
04:48Come on.
04:49Don't you even want to get to know me?
04:50I already know you.
04:51No, you don't.
04:52Yes, I do.
04:53You're an immature, egotistical, self-centered, shallow, spoiled little boy.
04:59What gave it away?
05:00The jacket?
05:05Hermo, let's go strike up a conversation with the little lovelies over there.
05:08Sorry, Jay, I'm busy right now.
05:09I'm working on my speech for Bracken's party.
05:11All the top company executives are going to be there.
05:13It's important.
05:14Wow, no kidding.
05:15A speech?
05:16Are you nervous?
05:17What's to be nervous about?
05:18I'm actually looking forward to it.
05:19Hey, you're going to need some jokes.
05:21I already have some jokes.
05:22No, no, no.
05:23I just heard a great one.
05:24Maybe you can use it.
05:25This guy stops at a farmhouse.
05:27And there's this lady farmer there, and she's got really big...
05:30The weather started getting rough.
05:32The tiny ship was hot.
05:34Hey, absolute respect, huh?
05:35We got a dirty joke going on here.
05:38So just then the lady lifts up her dress and says,
05:41Meet me in the barn after everyone's asleep.
05:43I wouldn't tell this joke at a filthy joke convention.
05:50So the guy says,
05:51Oh, God.
05:52That was great.
05:53Does that chicken have a sister?
05:59As witty as that one is, Jay,
06:01I think I'm going to start off with a story about this treehouse I had when I was 11.
06:04Then I'll segue into the Gandhi-Madonna joke,
06:06and I'm going to cap it off with a story about Mr. Bracken's first day at work with the company.
06:10And you're not nervous?
06:13I am not nervous.
06:14How's it going, Herman? Nervous?
06:16I am not nervous. I'm fine.
06:18Well, you better go first, because with my stuff, you're going to look really bad.
06:22The guy that I'm dating is putting a little something together for me.
06:25He writes for Letterman.
06:27David Letterman?
06:28No, Rabbi Letterman.
06:30Let me see this. Maybe I can help you.
06:33Treehouse, Gandhi-Madonna, Mr. Bracken's first day at work.
06:36Geez, why don't you just talk about his bad breath?
06:38It's a good speech. It's a great speech.
06:45Okay, I'm a little nervous.
06:56Congratulations, Bracken.
06:57Well, thank you, Crawford, and you stop being a stranger now.
07:02Hate that son of a bitch.
07:07I'd love to get back at him.
07:09I should have just kept talking to him.
07:13Excuse me.
07:15Nothing.
07:19Herman, you can almost see his breath.
07:23I can't worry about that. I'm going over my speech right now.
07:25I hear it isn't very good.
07:28It's a great speech. An incredible speech.
07:31School children will be required to memorize this speech.
07:34Well, I'm going to mingle, Herman.
07:36My therapist and I have worked very hard on my new self-esteem,
07:39and this party is the perfect place to try it out.
07:42Hi, what do you do here?
07:44I'm an insignificant, meaningless cog.
07:46Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet.
07:50Herman, what time is it?
07:53Time for a new therapist, Louise.
07:58Hey, Herman. Some party, huh?
08:00What? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Great. Sure.
08:02Ah, here we go. Have one of these. It'll loosen you up.
08:05Hey, booze. Now that's a good idea.
08:08Are you crazy? We have to be sharp and alert.
08:12Alcohol lowers inhibitions, fogs reality, and dulls the senses.
08:16You see, for some people, that's bad.
08:23I don't like to drink in professional situations.
08:27It's a party, Herman. If they didn't want you drinking it, they wouldn't be serving it.
08:30Now, come on. It'll take the edge off.
08:32Uh-uh. We can't. We have our speech to think of.
08:34We have brain cells to think of.
08:36To hell with brain cells. We only use 10% anyway.
08:39That leaves us with what? 82%, 83%?
08:46Oh, what the hell. One won't hurt.
08:48That a boy. Now relax and mingle with the big shots.
08:54It's Crawford. This is an opening.
08:55I don't think so.
08:56Just because he's senior editor doesn't mean he's not a nice guy.
09:00You know, this champagne crap's not too bad.
09:08Champagne Thurman?
09:09Oh, no, thank you, sir.
09:10What's the matter? Drinking problem?
09:12Of course not. I just...
09:14Oh, this is the party. I insist.
09:16This is great. Knocking them back with the big cheese.
09:19Yeah, but if we're gonna kiss some ass, can it at least be in a tight skirt?
09:22You know, sir.
09:25Excuse me.
09:27Herman?
09:30Nice party, sir.
09:31Have a drink with me, Herman.
09:33I don't think we should drink anymore.
09:36I don't think I should.
09:38It's my party. You'll drink if I want you to.
09:44This is a crummy party, Herman.
09:47You know what it could use?
09:48It could use some mouthwash.
09:49It could use a dynamic speech. Something they'll remember.
09:54Don't let me down.
09:56Here's to me, Herman.
09:57See you, sir.
10:05Whoa.
10:07Look at those legs. They go right up to her neck.
10:09If not for the courage of the fearless crew...
10:17The minnow would be lost.
10:20The minnow would be lost.
10:23Hey, how's it going?
10:25Nice tie.
10:27Takes guts to wear a tie like that.
10:29Not that it's a bad tie, it's a nice tie.
10:32Hence the greeting, nice tie.
10:34Perhaps a simple up yours would have sufficed.
10:41Hey, I'll take one of those.
10:44Herman, I've decided. I'm gonna go first.
10:46You need a good strong shoulder to throw those legs over?
10:49Okie dokie.
10:50How's it going, buddy?
10:51Jay, when did you get here?
10:52Are you ready for your speech?
10:53Speech?
10:54What speech?
10:56Herman, are you drunk?
10:57I got lighten up.
10:58It's a party, remember?
10:59Everyone, may I have your attention, please?
11:01Uh, Herman, call me crazy.
11:02I don't think you're in shape to speak tonight.
11:04I'm fine. I know what I'm doing.
11:06Stop moving, stop moving.
11:21Stop moving, stop moving.
11:23Fine. I know what I'm doing.
11:25The movie's done.
11:28It's a red variant.
11:31We are here tonight to acknowledge Paul Graskin's 20 years of service with Waterton Publishing.
11:36Yeah!
11:41But before we do that, I am reminded of the time when I was 11 years old and I built my first treehouse.
11:48My story.
11:49Let's not panic. All we need is a coffin copy.
11:53We still have plenty of material left. Don't forget the Gandhi-Madonna joke.
11:58So Gandhi says to Madonna.
12:02Okay. Forget the Gandhi-Madonna joke.
12:05As long as we stretch out Braskin's first day at work story, we're still okay.
12:09That was Mr. Braskin's first day at work.
12:13Thank you. Thank you.
12:15And now, Herman Brooks.
12:17Yeah.
12:20Uh, that's you.
12:23Jay, when did you get here?
12:31Oh, God, I gotta pee like a racehorse.
12:36Hey! Hey, Socrates!
12:38Come on, you're on!
12:39Fear not, everything is under control.
12:41Well, here we are.
12:44Nice party.
12:46Nice tie.
12:49Nice party, nice tie!
12:51Oh, my God, he's out!
12:54Somebody better start talking fast!
12:56I'll do it.
12:57I can do it, right?
12:59Boy, is it hot in here.
13:00I'd like to start off with a little icebreaker.
13:06Anyone got any ice?
13:10You really stink.
13:12You know that?
13:13There, I'll take over.
13:14I know what to do.
13:14You want to hear a great joke?
13:16There's this guy who meets this lady farmer with really big...
13:21Oh, my God!
13:26I'm hot!
13:27So he says,
13:28That was terrific!
13:30Does your sister have a chicken?
13:35Oh, don't you get it?
13:37He slept with the wrong chicken.
13:41Step aside, bozo.
13:42Well, let's talk about something that's not so entertaining.
13:48Paul Bracken.
13:52This man can tell you the rectal temperature of a sloth.
13:57And you know why?
13:58It's because you've been stuck in that room looking up facts for ungrateful slobs
14:03whose only thanks, after 20 years, is a crummy party.
14:08I love this man.
14:10This man is like a father to me.
14:12Sure, he calls people names behind their back,
14:17like Mr. Crawford, who he really can't stand.
14:22And yes, he's gruff, impatient, and a real pain in the ass.
14:29Party tribute.
14:32And yes, he has bad breath.
14:37Well, if you spoke to him tonight, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
14:43I see by your faces that this is touching you.
14:47And I'm glad.
14:49You see, I only have sensitive, kind things to say.
14:52And that's because all my stuff was stolen by Hetty.
14:59She was very funny.
15:03Bitch.
15:03Yeah, Hermo, I think you said enough there, pal.
15:13Gee, it's about time you showed up.
15:15Hey.
15:17And one more thing.
15:18Louise, you are not a cog.
15:21You may be meaningless, but you're not a cog.
15:25Hmm?
15:25Well, thank you all, and good night.
15:31But I leave you with this.
15:33Why did they take so many changes of clothes
15:36for a three-hour tour?
15:40A three-hour tour?
15:44Okay, thank you.
15:45Come on, Hermo.
15:46You murdered him, huh?
15:48It was more like a suicide.
15:49Look, are you going to be okay, Herm?
15:58I'm fine.
15:59What makes you think I'm not fine?
16:01Well, the crawling in the gutter,
16:03mooning the squad car,
16:05stopping to rent Hudson Hawk.
16:12I'll stay if you want me to, pal.
16:13I can get undressed by myself.
16:16I am a big boy.
16:17Okay.
16:18Just please call me if you need me.
16:21I am fine.
16:22Okay.
16:25Fine, fine, fine.
16:27I hope we don't throw up.
16:30Yeah, I hate throwing up.
16:31Playing there with your head in the bowl,
16:33your whole body convulsing like you're going to pass a hairball or something.
16:38Hey, knock it up.
16:39We're not going to throw up.
16:40We're fine.
16:43The room's spinning.
16:47Yeah, that is much, much worse.
16:53Animal?
16:55We're okay, right, animal?
16:59Oh, boy.
17:06We're having some fun now!
17:11I am going to die!
17:14Please, God, let me die!
17:29Louise,
17:29would you say that I have bad breath?
17:32No, sir, I wouldn't.
17:34But then again, I'm terrified of you.
17:37No, no, I don't mean now.
17:39I mean recently.
17:41Now, I can take it.
17:41In fact, I want you to tell me.
17:43You wanted to spare your feelings.
17:45And I appreciate that.
17:46Well, you don't have it now,
17:47but you did for the last couple of days.
17:49Really?
17:50Well, maybe weeks.
17:51Maybe months.
17:54And bad.
17:54I mean, really peel the paint off the walls, man.
17:59The kind that makes your eyes tear makes little kids cry.
18:03I take it you're no longer sparing my feelings.
18:07Good morning, Mr. Bracken.
18:08Lovely party last night, wasn't it?
18:10It was awful.
18:11Yes, it was.
18:12But my part was lovely.
18:14You stole Herman's speech.
18:16Feel is a strong word.
18:18Yes, it is.
18:22When Herman comes in, tell him I want to see him.
18:24Yes, sir.
18:34Why do I feel so bad?
18:37I think we threw up our socks.
18:40Would you shut up?
18:41You're going to get me started again, huh?
18:42Look at all these dead brain cells.
18:48Later in life, when we're gnawing on graham crackers
18:51and drooling on ourselves,
18:53I am going to remind you all of last night.
18:58Excuse me.
18:59We've been riding on this elevator most of the morning.
19:01Can we get off now?
19:02Good morning.
19:17Good morning.
19:18I'd say more, but right now I'm recuperating from the elevator ride.
19:23However, now I can tell you where the men's rooms are
19:26on the 5th and 11th floors
19:27and the potted palm on the 19th.
19:32Herman, I want you to know something.
19:34I know, Louise.
19:35I'm sorry I said those things in front of all those people.
19:38It's okay.
19:39First I was mad and hurt.
19:41Then I thought about it
19:41and I realized that you weren't the one who said it.
19:43I was.
19:44I called myself meaningless
19:45and I'm not going to do it again.
19:48At least I'm going to try not to.
19:50Thanks, Herman.
19:51And Herman,
19:53I'm going to miss you.
19:58Herman, you've got to help me.
20:00Brock is mad because he thinks I stole your speech.
20:01You did steal it.
20:03That was last night, Herman.
20:04How long are you going to hold this over my head?
20:10You're fairly calm about this.
20:12A job is not really important to a man with no insides.
20:17Mr. Bracken, I know this isn't easy for you.
20:19I'm really sorry and I totally understand.
20:21What do you understand?
20:23Firing me.
20:23I can't blame you.
20:24Good.
20:25And I'm really sorry about ruining your party
20:28and saying those things.
20:29You deserved better.
20:31Earlier, I was upstairs with Crawford,
20:33Farber, Wilson, Benson,
20:36even Mr. Waterton.
20:37Chairman of the board.
20:38Well, I hope that you told them
20:40you didn't know I was a lunatic
20:41and that you'd have me killed.
20:46Herman, I told them the truth.
20:48That you're a hard worker,
20:49you're basically a good man,
20:51and you definitely aren't a drinker.
20:52I specifically told Mr. Waterton
20:55how valuable you are to this company.
20:57What did he say?
20:58He said if that's what you want,
21:00he's all yours, alligator breath.
21:06Sorry about that, sir.
21:08So get back to work.
21:11And Herman,
21:12I want you to know that
21:13everyone is entitled to a few mistakes.
21:16You've just used all yours up.
21:21And you were right.
21:23I am a real pain in the ass.
21:25I did have bad breath,
21:26and I do work like a dog
21:27for a lot of ungrateful people.
21:32Thanks.
21:33Now I'm definitely gonna cry.
21:36Could you stop it?
21:38Let's just ask for the day off.
21:39The man just stood up for us.
21:43He saved our job.
21:44He smiled at us.
21:46I say we do the right thing.
21:48We suck in our gut,
21:50and we live with the pain.
21:51Can I have the day off, Mr. Bracken?
21:54Not a chance.
21:55Learn my lesson,
21:56take responsibility for my actions,
21:58that sort of thing.
21:59No.
22:00I'm gonna give Hetty
22:02an enormous amount of grief today.
22:03I thought you might like to see it.
22:09We'll say George Bush is unbeatable.
22:20I say he has not yet met his ultimate foe.
22:22You're talking about Bart Simpson
22:23visiting the White House
22:24this Thursday night on The Simpsons?
22:26Exactly.
22:26Do you think he's gonna be
22:27testing the political waters?
22:28No, I think he's trying to steal
22:29something from the Oval Office.
22:30It's a brand new Simpsons
22:31this Thursday night,
22:32followed by a new Drexels class
22:33starring Dabney Coleman
22:34and an all-new Beverly Hills 90210.
22:37Now, get set to laugh
22:38with the Sunday comics
22:39next on Fox.
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