- 7 weeks ago
Herman's brother tries to get him to take a job at his company in Ohio. Herman trips down memory lane.
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FunTranscript
00:00This city is exciting.
00:02Dangerous.
00:04Troubled.
00:06That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:08Is that all you can think about?
00:10Food and sex?
00:12Yes. Please, focus!
00:14Look out!
00:22Hey, it's Jack!
00:24No time for small talk, we're late.
00:28Hold the elevator.
00:30Heavy.
00:38I think Louise is so sweet.
00:40I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:42I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:45And I think you are all idiots.
00:47Let's go to work!
00:58Research.
01:00Prince Charles?
01:02You want exact measurements?
01:04No, we don't have that on the computer.
01:06But, according to the tabloids, four and a half inches.
01:08Maybe that's why she left him.
01:10Personally, I think ears that size are kinda cute.
01:14Herman, you're late.
01:16I'm sorry.
01:17I'm sorry.
01:18I was busy being crushed on a bus for the last hour.
01:20It is impossible to get around in this city.
01:22Herman, you have a message here from your brother Stan.
01:24Something about a job?
01:25Thanks.
01:26What is this about a job, Herman?
01:27Oh, my brother's been bugging me about an opening at his office in Toledo for a junior executive.
01:28Oh, you're thinking of going back to Ohio?
01:29Oh, you're thinking of going back to Ohio?
01:31Oh, you are so sorry.
01:32I'm sorry.
01:33I'm sorry.
01:34I'm sorry.
01:35I'm sorry.
01:36I'm sorry.
01:37I'm sorry.
01:38I'm sorry.
01:39I'm sorry.
01:40I'm sorry.
01:41I'm sorry.
01:42I'm sorry.
01:43I'm sorry.
01:44I'm sorry.
01:45I'm sorry.
01:46I was busy being crushed on a bus for the last hour.
01:48It is impossible to get around in this city.
01:49Herman, you have a message here from your brother Stan.
01:51Something about a job.
01:52Thanks.
01:53Oh, you're thinking of going back to Ohio?
01:55Oh, you're so fortunate.
01:57While you'll be there for Mosquito Day, the Humidity Festival, and the Big Boned Women Parade.
02:04Herman, you aren't going to take that job, are you?
02:08Oh, of course not.
02:09I came to New York to be a writer.
02:11I'm not leaving till I am.
02:12That's the spirit.
02:13Aim for the stars, Herman.
02:15But first, check this article on worms.
02:18A worm article.
02:21Oh, joy.
02:22Oh, rapture.
02:23All right.
02:24Here we go.
02:25Now, what's the matter with you?
02:28Well, Stan's phone call made me realize how much I miss Ohio.
02:31I think we should give that job some thought.
02:33All right.
02:34Let's think about it.
02:35Granted, the Big Boned Women Parade has always a turn on.
02:39But if we go back to Ohio, we're admitting defeat.
02:42We're talking failure.
02:43We're talking cowardice.
02:45We're talking my language.
02:47Are you crazy?
02:49Why would we even consider moving back to Ohio?
02:52Because this city is very stressful.
02:54Ever since we've been here, there's been nothing but stress.
02:56I'll never forget the time.
02:58Tomorrow is my 20th anniversary with Waterton Publishing.
03:01There's going to be a company party here in the research room,
03:04and I will be receiving a service award.
03:06Oh, honey.
03:07Mr. Crawford thought it would be a nice touch if someone said a few words about me.
03:14So, Herman, I'd like you to prepare a five, ten-minute speech.
03:18Me, sir?
03:19Some party, huh?
03:20What?
03:21Yeah, oh, yeah.
03:22Great, sure.
03:23Here we go.
03:24Have one of these.
03:25It'll loosen you up.
03:26We can't.
03:27We have our speech to think of.
03:28We have brain cells to think of.
03:29To hell with brain cells.
03:31We only use 10% anyway.
03:33So that leaves us with what?
03:3482%, 83%?
03:35Herman!
03:42Nice party, sir.
03:43Have a drink with me, Herman.
03:45I don't think we should drink anymore.
03:48I don't think I should.
03:50It's my party.
03:51You'll drink if I want you to.
03:55No, the champagne crap's not too bad.
03:58Oh, God, I gotta pee like a racehorse.
04:07Hey, hey, Socrates.
04:11Come on, you're on.
04:12Fear not.
04:13Everything is under control.
04:18Oh, my God, he's out.
04:20Somebody better start talking fast.
04:21I'll do it.
04:22I can do it, right?
04:23I'd like to start off with a little icebreaker.
04:26Anyone got any ice?
04:31You really stink, you know that?
04:33There, I'll take over.
04:34I know what to do.
04:35You wanna hear a great joke?
04:36There's this guy who meets this lady farmer
04:39with really big...
04:42Oh, my God!
04:47I'm hot!
04:49That was terrific!
04:50Does your sister have a chicken?
04:56Don't you get it?
04:57He slept with the wrong chicken!
05:02Step aside, bozo.
05:04Let's talk about something that's not so entertaining.
05:08Paul Bracken.
05:12This man can tell you the rectal temperature of a sloth.
05:16And you know why?
05:17It's because he's been stuck in that room looking up facts
05:21for ungrateful slobs
05:23whose only thanks after 20 years is a crummy party.
05:28I love this man.
05:30This man is like a father to me.
05:34Sure, he calls people names behind their back
05:37like Mr. Crawford, who he really can't stand.
05:39And yes, he's gruff, impatient, and a real pain in the ass.
05:49What a tribute.
05:54Are you crazy?
05:55We can't leave New York.
05:56One of the reasons we came here was for all the beautiful women.
05:59Oh, yeah, we've had a lot of great luck with women.
06:01Hey, you're in my territory now, sweetheart.
06:03The big guy has had plenty of New York, baby.
06:05And you know why?
06:08Because I got class.
06:10I also got phlegm.
06:12What was I?
06:14Uh, you were waxing poetic about class and elegance
06:17when you were stammied by a ball of phlegm.
06:21I was trying to remind you of the mishaps we've had with women.
06:24Don't you remember?
06:26Isn't it great?
06:27Fresh coffee when you wake up.
06:29Good, solid breakfast.
06:31It's very nice, Yvonne.
06:32You know, I really should be going, though.
06:34These eggs are too fluffy!
06:39I'm sorry, Herman.
06:40It's just that last night was so wonderful
06:43and I just wanted to top it off with a great breakfast
06:46and, well, now the eggs have come out fluffy.
06:53Well, I was fairly psychotic.
06:57I hope she's gonna be okay.
06:58Oh, she'll be just fine.
07:05Should I tell her you're not in?
07:10You know, I've been with you all night
07:12and you haven't even come close to making a move on me.
07:15Yeah, I know that.
07:17Well, it's very refreshing, but I have to admit
07:19it does make me wonder what a kiss from you would be like.
07:24Enough is enough!
07:28What about our feelings?
07:29Absolutely we'll have feelings.
07:30There'll be feelings all over the place.
07:33We'll feel plenty!
07:34Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
07:45Wait a minute, what's going on?
07:46Something's wrong.
07:47What's the matter?
07:48Something's wrong, we're not working.
07:51You mean we're not?
07:52What the hell is wrong with us?
07:54We're the most beautiful woman in the world,
07:55there's no lead in a pencil!
07:59We didn't drink, we're not taking any medicine.
08:01What is going on?
08:03It's the wimp!
08:05Kill the wimp!
08:08Hey, I'm sorry, she's beautiful,
08:10she's been all over the world,
08:11she makes a fortune,
08:12and we have nothing to offer her.
08:14I can't do it, and that is final.
08:16Alright, forget him!
08:17He's a pan-ass anyway, we can do this without him.
08:20All right, all together now.
08:29Jay, I gotta talk to you, I have a problem.
08:31Really, what's up?
08:33Nothing, that's the problem.
08:36Okay, I'm lost.
08:37Jay, I'm having trouble...
08:39hoisting my mainsail.
08:44You have a boat?
08:47Now look who's moping.
08:48You shame me dredging up those horrible memories.
08:51You know, I got feelings,
08:52I got emotions,
08:53I gotta scratch.
08:57Please, let's go home.
08:58New York is starting to make me sad.
09:01For the last time, no.
09:02This is where the career opportunities are.
09:04Oh really, smart boy?
09:05Need I remind you of all our career setbacks?
09:08Morning, everybody.
09:09Shh.
09:10What's the matter?
09:11A really big mistake was found after everything went to print.
09:14I knew it!
09:15I knew it!
09:16I knew it!
09:17And I'm telling you, we don't overlook things like that.
09:19If they said your articles were checked, they would check.
09:22Who's supposed to verify the World Anthropologist's articles?
09:33I think that was me.
09:35Oh, I knew it'd be you.
09:37Clean out your desk, Herbert.
09:38Herman.
09:39Whatever.
09:40Just a second.
09:41Herman works harder than anybody else here.
09:43I totally trust him.
09:44Herman, tell him you checked them.
09:46Would you like fries with your order, sir?
09:52How could he have checked it and let this go?
09:54The average weight of a Danish man's testicles is 24 ounces.
10:0024 ounces.
10:02He has people walking around Denmark with testicles that weigh a pound and a half.
10:10Maybe that's where the expression Great Dane came from.
10:16I just got a huge break.
10:17I'm gonna spend the day working with Victoria Stark.
10:20Victoria Stark?
10:21Hermo.
10:22I know about this woman.
10:23She is tough.
10:24When Tchaikovsky wrote The Nutcracker, he had her in mind.
10:29Don't worry about me, Jay.
10:30I can take care of myself.
10:32I was saying that I...
10:33I think this isn't the right place.
10:34Are you gonna do this or not?
10:35I do.
10:36I do.
10:37But let's face it.
10:38I'm pretty embarrassed if I got back to my coworkers what's going on up here.
10:41You're a little paranoid, aren't you?
10:44Ms. Stark?
10:45Paul Bragan.
10:50Herman.
10:52I need to speak to Ms. Stark in private.
10:57In private, Herman.
10:58Whatever you have to say can be said in front of Herman.
11:00All right.
11:01I'll say it in plain English.
11:03Herman's a good kid, but he's naive.
11:05He doesn't always know when someone's taking advantage of him.
11:08You either hire him or send him back to research, but stop jerking him around.
11:12Am I jerking you around, Herman?
11:13Nope.
11:14No, not figuratively.
11:18Anything else, Paul?
11:20No, that's it.
11:21I've said my piece.
11:23And oh, Herman.
11:26Pick up your pants, son.
11:28They're getting wrinkled.
11:31Great.
11:32My boss knows.
11:33Your former boss.
11:34Stop.
11:35It doesn't matter.
11:36He's someone whose respect I value.
11:37Now he's going to think I got this new job just so you can have some stud.
11:41Don't get carried away, Herman.
11:43I hired you on the basis of your marriage.
11:45Yeah, but the people I work with don't know that.
11:48Herman, Mr. Bra...
11:49Say it ain't so, Herman. Say it ain't so.
12:00Louise, I know this is hard to believe, but I'm here on my merits.
12:04Aren't your merits getting a little cold right now?
12:09Oh, man.
12:11Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
12:13How good bacon is?
12:14I'm thinking about going home.
12:15I'm gonna do it, Louise.
12:16That's great, Herman.
12:17What are you doing?
12:18I'm calling my brother.
12:19I'm gonna take that job.
12:20That's right.
12:21Why?
12:22Because I like big-boned women.
12:23You could always go to Brooklyn.
12:25Think of all the things you have here in New York.
12:27Yes, Stan Brooks, please.
12:35What's wrong with you?
12:37I don't know. I feel strange.
12:38You're not waffling, are you?
12:39I am not waffling.
12:40I am thinking.
12:45I am in charge of thinking.
12:46That's what I'm doing.
12:47What exactly are you thinking?
12:50What exactly are you thinking?
12:51What exactly?
12:52What's wrong with you?
12:54That's what I'm doing.
12:54What exactly are you thinking?
12:56I'm thinking of waffling.
12:58No, we've made up our mind.
13:00We're going.
13:01I was just thinking about all the fun we've had.
13:03We did have fun, right, big guy?
13:05Leave me alone.
13:06I don't remember any fun.
13:08Those waffles sure sound good.
13:11Look, how about this?
13:13Remember this?
13:14People, I want you all to attend Dr. Holland's seminar this weekend.
13:17With all due respect, Mr. Crawford, I'd love to go.
13:20However, my arthritic aunt needs a ride to the hospital.
13:23It's in the Bahamas.
13:24Who's paying?
13:24I am.
13:25Do I have to sleep with you?
13:25No.
13:26I'm in.
13:29Seminar will be starting in ten minutes.
13:30Dr. Holland, I've been thinking about the connecting exercise.
13:33I was wondering, is there any chance of getting some one-on-one counseling?
13:36I'd love to, but right now I'm trying to get ready for a first group session.
13:40Why don't you all take off your clothes and I'll meet you in the cabana?
13:43You mean some kind of a swimsuit therapy?
13:45No, no swimsuits.
13:46This is a totally nude seminar.
13:53I feel it's time to take the first step towards self-awareness.
13:58The first step is a difficult one because we all hide behind things.
14:03How true, how true.
14:05I'm glad you agree, Herman.
14:06Why don't you be my first volunteer?
14:08Excuse me?
14:09Herman, stand up.
14:10Oh, well, actually, I'm...
14:13No excuses.
14:14Stand up and face everyone.
14:15Well, come on, Herman.
14:17Time for show and tell.
14:21Petty, you too.
14:22Stand up.
14:23Oh, I don't think I could do that.
14:25Let's go, both of you.
14:30Now face each other.
14:32Jay, I want you to stand up and face Louise.
14:37Well, you wanted some insight, Louise.
14:38Louise, you're about to get the blue plate special.
14:44Now, everyone, expose yourselves.
14:54Now look at each other.
15:00No, no, no, no.
15:01I mean, really look at each other.
15:06Jay, do you have anything to say to Louise?
15:09Oh, no.
15:10Please don't let him say anything to me.
15:12It's difficult enough as it is.
15:15No, no, no.
15:15This is not about sex.
15:17It's about feelings and emotions.
15:19Go ahead, Jay.
15:20Tell Louise what you're thinking.
15:24Got a nice little body on you.
15:25You know that, Louise?
15:28Really?
15:28Thanks, Jay.
15:30And I'd like to say something to you.
15:32I knew you had one, but I didn't realize it was that small.
15:37Hey, Kay.
15:44Have a chill, okay?
15:46I was talking about your appendix scar.
15:48I thought you meant my...
15:52Ah, that's very nice.
15:59Nothing is more revealing or humbling than appearing as we came into this world.
16:04I would like you all to think about that.
16:06Take a little time to stroll around and feel your nakedness.
16:09She said you're nakedness, Jay.
16:20Oh, my God.
16:21Mr. Bracken.
16:24Nice seeing all of you again, and I do mean all of you.
16:28You had to bring that up again, didn't you?
16:30Oh, lay off.
16:31As I remember it, that nudist colony was a pretty good time.
16:35It was supposed to be a self-help seminar.
16:37Sure help me.
16:40Well, you won't find women like that back in Ohio.
16:43Yeah.
16:44That's not fair.
16:45What?
16:45We've already been over the fact that we've had terrible luck with women.
16:48Oh, really?
16:49Well, maybe you're forgetting this.
16:52You know, you really sell yourself short.
16:54You're better than all these jerks you date.
16:56They're only after one thing, and you know it.
16:58Go to hell, Herman.
16:59That's right.
17:00Just slip back into the bitch mode.
17:02Go to hell, Herman.
17:02Drop dead, Jay.
17:03Get on life, Louise.
17:04You know, if you're unhappy, then that's fine.
17:07Be unhappy, but don't take it out on everyone else.
17:10I don't need to listen to this.
17:11Fine, then just get the hell out of here.
17:14Make me.
17:16Push me?
17:17I'll push if I want to push you.
17:18Come on, Hedy, get out of here.
17:19Get your hands off and me hurt.
17:20Ow!
17:20Hedy, that hurt.
17:21Good, the monster hurt.
17:23Ow!
17:23Ow!
17:24How about the dog?
17:25Yeah, you let go.
17:27You let go.
17:27Well, that ought to shut her up.
17:38Why are we kissing her?
17:39We hate this woman.
17:41This isn't the same Hedy.
17:43She's revealed her real self to us.
17:45I want this woman.
17:51And I want her bad.
17:52Johnny Bench, 1970, batted .293, 148 RBIs, 45 home runs.
18:09What are you doing?
18:10If we want to be here past foreplay, leave me alone.
18:12Wait a minute.
18:18Soft?
18:19Round?
18:20Yes!
18:20We are holding a woman!
18:22This is not a drill!
18:32Over the door!
18:33Over the door!
18:34Over the door!
18:34Oh, you'll leave me alone.
18:36I will.
18:36We have the condoms?
18:38Condoms?
18:39I thought you said condiments.
18:40I brought mustard and relish.
18:43Don't worry.
18:44I got condoms.
18:45I think we can use the mustard and relish.
18:56Good night.
19:07Now we're in trouble.
19:11I want to go home.
19:12Stop trying to convince us to stay.
19:14What about people we'd miss?
19:16I'd miss Louise if we left.
19:18That is very sweet of you.
19:20Yeah.
19:20We didn't miss Hedy, but we'd miss Louise if we left.
19:25Look, we have made friends, haven't we?
19:28Have you two worked something out?
19:29No, there's nothing to work out, Louise.
19:31Oh, no, don't say that.
19:33Please don't dump me, Herman.
19:34Please, give me another chance.
19:36I can change.
19:36We can make this work.
19:38So we got a few problems.
19:39Don't you think a guy deserves a second chance?
19:41Don't you think we owe it to each other to see this thing through?
19:44What do you think, Louise?
19:45I think you both could use a lot of therapy.
19:48We don't need therapy.
19:50You wanted to see me, sir?
19:56I spoke to Susan this morning.
19:58You must be pretty happy right now.
20:00Not really.
20:02I must admit that when I thought of the man that was still my daughter's heart,
20:05I pictured him a little differently than you.
20:07In what way?
20:08Oh, a little richer, a little darker.
20:10But you're a poor, honest white man, Herman.
20:14And to tell you the truth, I like you.
20:17Hey, how about a cup of coffee, Pop?
20:19You buying?
20:20Kidding?
20:21Will you pay me?
20:27Excuse me, I need to borrow your microphone.
20:29Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to interrupt your evening,
20:33but there's a young woman who's sitting at the bar who doesn't want to talk to me,
20:36so this is the only way that I can let her know that I think she's very beautiful.
20:40And I just remember the first time I ever laid eyes on her.
20:46She was sitting at her desk, working, and she had a cold.
20:52And when she sneezed, somehow I knew, from the way that her nose wrinkled
20:57and the way her face lit up, that she was one of the most special women I would ever lay eyes on.
21:08Well, I've said my piece.
21:09If you all still want to go back to Ohio, I will relent, sadly, and go along.
21:16Hello, Stan.
21:17Yeah, it's Herman.
21:18Listen, um, about the job...
21:21I think I'll stay in New York.
21:25Yeah, thanks anyway.
21:27Uh, give my love to the folks.
21:28What changed your mind, Herman?
21:32Well, it was a lot of things, but I have to admit, most of all, it was the people.
21:43You should always release attention with an audible sound.
21:45Louise, has it ever occurred to you that your therapist might be playing a long series of jokes on you?
21:56You know, you could use a little fine-tuning yourself, babe.
21:59You've got some major...
21:59Mmm-hmm.
22:01...
22:05...
22:05...
22:11...
22:13...
22:16...
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