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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S01E06 - The Russians Are Coming
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:25But here's the one which drives me berserk
00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la-la
00:38Well, this is it.
00:57This is what?
00:58This is what I bought this morning.
00:59What?
01:01This?
01:03The land?
01:04No, you plonker.
01:07This pile of bricks.
01:10And it cost me 100, Nicker.
01:13Nice one, eh?
01:14Oh, shrewd move, Del, yeah.
01:17I mean, people are panicked buying bricks nowadays, aren't they?
01:22Who the hell's going to buy a pile of old bricks off us?
01:26Well, butcher or chemist.
01:29Who do you think's going to buy bricks?
01:30Builders, aren't they, eh?
01:32Over 200%?
01:33Over 200% profit here.
01:34Over 200% profit here, and all in the readies.
01:37Come here.
01:41They've just demolished a factory here that used to make prefabricated structures, right?
01:46Chalets, bungalows, greenhouses, you know, garden sheds, that sort of a thing.
01:51So I thought, using my noddle, that we'd make enough out of the bricks alone.
01:56But you never know what's underneath, do you, eh?
01:58Decent lengths of timber, bits of metal.
02:01You know, a few gross of them roofing tiles.
02:04Come and see what I've found.
02:25Get your feelers on there.
02:30Hey, that's lead, Del.
02:32That's pure lead.
02:34There's about another 30 boxes underneath.
02:39I estimate three tonne altogether.
02:41Three tonne?
02:43What's that at today's prices?
02:44That's...
02:45It's about £1,000, innit?
02:48Am I brilliant or am I brilliant?
02:51Let's get some of it on the van.
02:53We can do it in three shifts.
02:55Come on.
02:56Is it ours, Del?
03:00Of course it's ours.
03:01Legally, Del.
03:02Don't split hairs with me, Rodney.
03:07Come on.
03:08Oh, that's a lot, Del, boy.
03:23No, no, no.
03:24No, not there, Grandad.
03:25Not there.
03:26No, no, we've got three tonne of it here.
03:27You see, you've got to spread it out over a wide area.
03:29Otherwise, we'll be having tea with Mrs. Oboco downstairs.
03:35Right.
03:36Hope all this humping and sweating is not disturbing, Your Royal Highness.
03:40No, no, don't you mind me.
03:41You carry on.
03:42Oh, thanks a lot.
03:44Oh, yeah, look at this, Grandad.
03:45You've been carrying this one upside down.
03:47This is the way.
03:48You are a lazy little bark.
03:56What's that you're reading, eh?
03:57It's another dirty book, I suppose, is it?
03:59Honestly, you've got a mind like a plain brown envelope.
04:02I'll have a look at that when you're finished.
04:04I've got some paperwork I found in one of them boxes.
04:07Do you know what we've got here?
04:08Yeah, I know what we've got here.
04:09We've got a free tonne of lovely lead.
04:10That's what we've got here.
04:11No, no, it's more than that.
04:13That factory was producing prefabricated structures, right?
04:17Uh, bungalows, garden sheds, that sort of stuff.
04:19Well, this is one of their experimental lines.
04:22It's a do-it-yourself nuclear fallout shelter.
04:25Nuclear fallout shelter.
04:29You are a wally.
04:32No, it is, honest.
04:33Look, here's the brochure.
04:35Here's the plan.
04:36Shows you how to build it.
04:40He's right and all.
04:42This is a nuclear fallout shelter.
04:44This is probably worth more than we thought.
04:46You can't sell it.
04:47Don't want to put money on it, do you?
04:49What do you suggest we do with it?
04:50Build it?
04:51Yeah.
04:52Leave it out, Rodney.
04:54Do you realise how close we come to World War III
04:57over Cuba, Vietnam, Afghanistan and Poland?
05:01I mean, it only takes one little rumble in the Middle East,
05:03them missiles are going to start flying.
05:05And what have we got, eh, in this country
05:06to combat the might of the Soviet Union?
05:09Three jump jets and a strongly worded letter
05:11to the Russian ambassador.
05:13No, no, no.
05:14You don't know what we got up our sleeve, us Brits, Rodney.
05:17Do you know that we got a device that can track
05:19the movements of any Russian nuclear submarine?
05:21They can't keep track on ours.
05:23Yeah, we only got one.
05:25Have we?
05:26Yeah, I think so.
05:27Well, anyway, they don't know where it is.
05:30Sometimes wonder whether we do.
05:33It's your life we don't.
05:34You see, this country's just not prepared for war.
05:37I mean, nobody knows what we're supposed to do in the event.
05:40Yes, of course we do.
05:42All right, then.
05:43What would you do if you heard the four-minute warning?
05:47Well, what's it sound like first?
05:50Well, that's it, innit?
05:51No-one knows.
05:52Maybe they're going to ring church bells
05:54or bang tom-toms
05:55or send every ice cream van out in the country
05:57to play its jingle.
05:59Your guess is as good as mine, innit?
06:01Do you realise the great powers have got underground salvos
06:04primed with enough nuclear weapon
06:06to destroy this planet 30 times over?
06:11I'm talking about neutron bombs, Del.
06:13Multi-warheads, chemicals that attack your central nervous system
06:16and leave you writhing in agony like a worm in bleach.
06:20Bit like you after a curry, you mean.
06:23No, no, it's all right, Rodney.
06:25Don't worry, forget about it.
06:27Look, we've got £1,000 here.
06:28Just think what we could do with £1,000.
06:31Eat, drink and be merry.
06:32For tomorrow we die.
06:35Oh, come on, Del, this is a godsend.
06:37Look, if we build this thing, we're going to be safe, aren't we?
06:40Everything's here, the inner walls, the outer walls,
06:42the air tube, the filter system, everything.
06:44Oh, come on, Del.
06:46Oh, sorry.
06:48All right, Soppy.
06:50Now, just suppose, just suppose
06:52that we do build this thing, right?
06:54Where are we going to put it?
06:55Well, you always fancied a little weekend place,
06:58why don't we find a spot in the New Forest?
07:02And now we're going to get from Peckham
07:04to the New Forest in four minutes.
07:06The old div.
07:09Grandad's allotment.
07:10That's only a couple of miles up the road.
07:11We could do that in four minutes.
07:12Yeah, on a Sunday, with a following wind, maybe.
07:15Well, let's give it a go, eh?
07:17We'll have a dummy run and time ourselves.
07:18I'll get me stopwatch.
07:19Look, what is the point, eh?
07:23All right, so say you can do it in four minutes.
07:25What is it going to prove?
07:27Knowing them Russian rats,
07:28they'll probably declare war in the middle of the rush hour.
07:30Where's Grandad?
07:41I don't know.
07:46Come on, hurry up, you stupid old geese.
07:48Three minutes and counting.
08:01Yes, all right, Rodney.
08:03Missiles are just going over Sweden.
08:05Bloody fast, aren't they?
08:06Only left Siberia 20 seconds ago.
08:08Two minutes, 15 seconds and counting, Dale.
08:26The missiles are over to sea and approaching Middlesbrough.
08:28Yes, yes, all right, Rodney.
08:29Put your foot down, dear boy.
08:31I'm calm, Grandad.
08:33Look, I'm coming on main road, aren't I?
08:34What's it like your side, Rodney?
08:39All right, after this red one.
08:44No!
08:46Yes, I want that red one.
08:49You tick, Rodney.
08:52Come on, Dale, we're just going over Luton.
08:55Sod, Luton.
08:58One minute, 35 and counting.
09:00Oh, God.
09:04What's the way?
09:32The siren!
09:33Quit it off!
09:42He's young, enthusiastic.
09:45Well, how are you then, Dale boy?
09:47Not too bad, Eric.
09:48Ties yourself.
09:49Can't complain.
09:50How are you then, Grandad?
09:51All right, Eric boy.
09:54Now, what's that all about?
09:5660 miles an hour in a built-up area.
09:59You just heard the four-minute warning or something?
10:00Where's your tax desk?
10:03Fell off, did it?
10:04In the post.
10:05Why have you got a little sign on your windscreen saying tax in post?
10:09We did have it fell off.
10:11You've been at those funny fags again, Rodney?
10:13No, I haven't.
10:14Good.
10:14Because Wayne there's looking for his first nick.
10:18Talking of that, Dale boy, you might be able to help me.
10:20I'm on the lookout for some stolen summer wear.
10:24Short-sleeved shirts and blouses, men's and women's slacks, swimming trunks, bikinis.
10:29You after promotion, Eric?
10:30No.
10:31Me and the wife are off to Corfu next month.
10:34You've got to look at all, ain't you?
10:35Well, if I hear of anything, I'll let you know.
10:38Good luck.
10:39I'll see you around.
10:41I know it.
10:42Take it easy, will you?
10:47Stop playing with that siren, will you, Wayne?
10:50You'll end up breaking.
10:55Yeah, how are we doing for time?
10:57We died 45 seconds ago.
11:00Terrific.
11:01We're never going to do this run in four minutes.
11:02It don't matter.
11:04It's not the end of the world, is it?
11:05I thought that's exactly what it was.
11:07What have you got to think about as a place closer to home?
11:10I've been thinking.
11:11Oh, my God.
11:12You haven't got an aspirin you can give him, have you, Rodney?
11:14Oh, listen.
11:15I may have found us just the spot.
11:21Is that door shut tight, Bill?
11:23Yes, don't worry, Rodders.
11:24No radiation can get in here.
11:28Here, what's this pipe?
11:30We can grab it.
11:31Look at that, Dale.
11:32We're fragile.
11:33Dale, don't.
11:34Don't do it.
11:36Dale, this is our air filter, our lifeline.
11:38This is our umbilical cord.
11:40And one thing you must never do with an umbilical cord
11:43is bash it about with an hammer.
11:45I see.
11:46So this is our only source of oxygen, is it, eh?
11:48What happens if a pigeon decides to nest in the other end?
11:51We're all dead, I suppose, are we?
11:53Statistics prove that pigeons rarely nest
11:55in the middle of nuclear wars.
11:56We're not in the middle of a nuclear war.
11:58We're practising, for one.
11:59Yeah, well, do the bloody pigeons know that?
12:01Look, a pigeon will not nest in our air tube.
12:04Have faith in me, please.
12:06How can you have faith in him, Dale boy?
12:08It brings me Telly in here,
12:09then he finds out the signals can't get through the lead.
12:12I've said I'm sorry, and I, Grandad,
12:15there's some pages missing out of this brochure,
12:17and you can't expect me to know everything, can you?
12:20Anyway, that's why we're having this weekend's practice, isn't it?
12:22So we can iron out all the little wrinkles.
12:24Yeah, well, I'll tell you one thing we've got iron out,
12:26and that is this has got to be back on that building site
12:29first thing Monday morning.
12:32Otherwise, them paddies will go mad.
12:34You, you are a wally, you really are.
12:49You don't have to stay here, Dale.
12:51I do have to stay here.
12:53I'll tell you why I have to stay here.
12:54I've got £1,000 worth of lead tied up in this shelter,
12:57and I'm not leaving it in your ends.
12:59Knowing you two, you'd probably lose it.
13:00Just think what I could do with £1,000, eh?
13:06Fly to America on Concorde.
13:08I could buy myself one of them Flash Rollox watches.
13:15Have me adenoids taken out, privately.
13:18Yeah, but how many people can boast
13:20they've got their own private nuclear fallout shelter.
13:22Yeah, that's true.
13:24Knowing our luck, there won't even be a bloody war.
13:28Yeah, that's what we ought to do, you know.
13:30We ought to drop a bomb on all them Russian cities, you see,
13:33and then declare war on them.
13:34What we say is that the declaration for war
13:36got held up in a post
13:37due to a communist-inspired strike at the sorting office.
13:42Yeah.
13:43That is typical of a ruthless little mercenary like you, isn't it?
13:46What do you mean, ruthless mercenary?
13:47I'm not a ruthless mercenary.
13:49Who is it goes round the estate at every Christmas time
13:51making sure all the old people
13:52have got enough to eat and drink?
13:53Yeah, and who was it during the Brixton riots
13:56drove down in the van selling paving stones to the rioters?
14:01I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them, eh?
14:04Or run off home and start building patios?
14:08Mine is not to reason why.
14:10Mine is but to sell and buy.
14:14Now, anyway.
14:16Anyway, I know a lot of them youngsters down here in Brixton
14:18and their trouble is frustration.
14:21Yes, you see, modern society has denied them
14:23the birthright of a war.
14:24Oh, I don't believe you.
14:26Are you saying war's our birthright?
14:28Oh, yes. Yes, it is.
14:30For century after century, you see,
14:33every generation of British youth
14:35has been guaranteed a decent war.
14:38But that sort of, you know,
14:39roar, over-the-top chaps,
14:41you know, try that one, four-size fricks.
14:44I mean, that sort of courage is obsolete
14:46because the next war is going to be fought by computer programmers.
14:50See, that's what's frustrating the modern youth.
14:52You can see them any day down there in amusement arcades.
14:56You know, they're doing their national service
14:57on the space invaders.
15:01Yeah, but that sort of real war that I'm talking about,
15:04you know, Errol Flynn leading the gallant 600
15:07into the valley of death.
15:09John Mills marooned in a thingy.
15:12It's Kenneth Moore refusing to let a little thing like no legs
15:16get him down.
15:20Glorious, valiant war, that.
15:22Don't talk like a burp, Del.
15:24Do what?
15:25What do you know about it anyway?
15:27The only war you ever fought is the Inch War.
15:29Eh?
15:30No, I've seen all the films, haven't I?
15:32Oh, tomato sauce and stump men,
15:34I'm talking about the real thing.
15:36I remember when I was a little nipper
15:38and I saw the soldiers marching off to battle.
15:41Oh, yes.
15:43It was a glorious sight, all right.
15:45Yeah.
15:46I bet all them spears and chariots
15:47must have stirred the blood, mustn't they?
15:50Just steer him out, will we?
15:51All right, all right.
15:52My brother George was at Passchendaele.
15:55Now, on half a million Allied troops died there,
15:59all for five miles of mud.
16:01I was at King's Cross Station
16:03when his regiment come home after the armistice.
16:07Most of them was carried off the train.
16:11I saw men with limbs missing, blind men,
16:15men who couldn't breathe properly
16:17cos their lungs had been shot to bits by mustard gas.
16:22While the nation celebrated,
16:24they was hidden away in big grey buildings,
16:27far from the public gaze.
16:29I mean, courage like that
16:32could put you right off your victory dinner, couldn't it?
16:37They promised us homes fit for heroes.
16:40They give us heroes fit for homes.
16:48I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
16:52What principle?
16:54Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.
16:59The politicians and the military men used to con, you see.
17:05They had little lads, youngsters,
17:07believing that their country really did need them.
17:11Do you know, they used to have little lads of 14
17:13pretending they was 18,
17:15just so they could fight for their king and country.
17:18Well, they accepted the little sprogs.
17:20More often than not,
17:22my brother George lied about his age.
17:25Pretended he was 18?
17:26No, he was 18.
17:27He pretended he was 14.
17:30They saw through it, though.
17:33I think it was the moustache.
17:36Yeah, cos 14-year-olds, they don't.
17:40Bloody hell.
17:41Oi!
17:48Oi, what are you doing?
17:50I think there's a pigeon trying to nest in our air tube.
17:54I think I've frightened it away now, don't worry.
17:57Oh!
17:58Battery's getting a bit low and all.
18:00Here, these batteries you've got here,
18:14how long do they last?
18:16About 12 hours each.
18:1712 hours?
18:18Cool, we've been here 12 hours.
18:20Only another 36 to go.
18:22Don't time fly when you're having fun.
18:26Here.
18:28Here, Oppenheimer.
18:30Listen, if the bomb was to drop round here,
18:32how long would we have to stay inside this thing here?
18:35Well, it depends upon the degree of the contamination in the air outside,
18:39cos we're in a very vulnerable position here,
18:41being so close to the docks.
18:42But I would say, roughly,
18:45give or take a week or two,
18:47about two years.
18:49Two years?
18:51Yeah, give or take a week or two.
18:54If you think I'm staying in a lead-lined dizzanut
18:56with you and grandad
18:57and a chemical bloody carzy,
18:59you've got another thing coming.
19:02Yeah, but if we leave the shelter within two years,
19:04we'll die of radiation poisoning.
19:06And if we stay inside the shelter for two years,
19:08we'll die of bloody lead poisoning.
19:10Yeah, he's right, Rodney.
19:11The rescue team will move a straight round to the nearest scrap metal yard.
19:15Yeah.
19:16You know, that's another point.
19:17That's the point.
19:17Listen.
19:18Oi, these batteries that are supposed to purify the air, right,
19:21they last 12 hours, right?
19:23OK.
19:24How many of them are we going to need?
19:26Come on, Einstein.
19:27You're the one with the GCEs and the maths.
19:28Well, it's two a day,
19:32seven days a week,
19:33two sevens of fourteens.
19:35Oh, see that grandad?
19:36Two sevens of fourteens.
19:37Just like that.
19:37No hesitation.
19:39Shut up, will you?
19:41So, that's fourteen times fifty-two...
19:44Twice.
19:45I know.
19:47So, that works out at about one thousand four hundred and fifty-odd.
19:53Well, that's not too bad.
19:54I thought we were going to need a lot.
19:57So, what we're going to need is one thousand four hundred and fifty-odd
20:01heavy-duty batteries,
20:02about five tonne of canned food,
20:05thirty thousand gallons of fresh drinking water,
20:07and a three-and-a-half-acre warehouse to store it all in.
20:12Well, I did say we'd have to wine out a few little wrinkles, didn't I?
20:15A few little wrinkles?
20:16A few little wrinkles?
20:18We got more wrinkles than an elephant's got in his bleeding trunk.
20:23All in all, in taking everything into consideration, Rodney,
20:25I think I'd rather be outside and go instantly with the bomb, Rodney.
20:29Instantly, eh?
20:30And what makes you so sure it'll be instant, eh, Del?
20:32Them bombs contain strontium-90, not Nescafe.
20:35You see, the bomb explodes about a mile above the city, right,
20:39causing a radioactive rain to fall.
20:41Now, this radiation then penetrates the pores of the skin,
20:44causing violent sores and diseases.
20:46Best not to wear anything decent, then, eh?
20:49Will you be serious for one minute?
20:52Look, it's here.
20:53Once the radiation is in the bloodstream,
20:55it begins to attack your metabolism.
20:58You become subject to drastic biological changes.
21:01That's metamorphosis.
21:02Oh, yeah.
21:03Yeah.
21:04Yeah.
21:05Yeah.
21:06Anyway, your shape and form will alter radically
21:09as the mutation takes effect.
21:11Don't sound too promising, do it, Del boy?
21:14I mean, you have a job to get a suit off the peg now, don't you?
21:19All right, all right, you can laugh,
21:21but I'm telling you,
21:22this city would be inhabited by roaming mobs of mutants,
21:26vacant-eyed subhumans,
21:27dragging their knuckles through the litter and debris
21:30that was once civilisation.
21:32Sounds a bit like Stamford Bridge after a bad result.
21:35Look, if this is true, Rodney,
21:37what the hell are we doing trying to survive?
21:40Well, it's our duty, isn't it?
21:42I mean, when we step out of here,
21:43we're going to be intact.
21:45Perfect.
21:45Yeah, well, I mean, you know,
21:50the human race will be looking to people like us, anyway,
21:53to replenish the species.
21:55We'll be like two new Adams going forth to multiply.
21:58Mm-hmm.
22:00Yeah, and you, you dirty little ram,
22:02will be out there multiplying quicker than a pocket calculator.
22:06I see it all now.
22:07I see it all now.
22:09He's practically praying for the end of civilisation
22:11just so he can get out there and put it about a bit.
22:13Yeah, what time do you make it, Rodney?
22:16Ten past twelve.
22:17Yeah, sorry, I'll make it that too.
22:19Come on then, Grandad, it's bedtime, come on.
22:21Well, as the saying goes,
22:22if my species needs me, I will not be found wanting.
22:25Yeah, I bet.
22:28Anyway, it's one thing to look forward to, isn't it, Grandad, eh?
22:31You know, come the end of the war,
22:33me and Rodney are going to make a foursome
22:34with a couple of mutants.
22:37I'll have the one with the three lug holes
22:38and the eye underneath her arm.
22:40Ooh, cos I don't fancy yours much.
22:42It won't be like that.
22:44You bet your sweet bippy it won.
22:46Won't make much difference to you, anyway.
22:48You go out with mutants in peacetime.
22:51I mean, look at that thing that you took out on Thursday.
22:53God, stroll on.
22:54I was so embarrassed I had to tell my mates
22:56that you were taking it to market.
22:58I did try and warn you it's a bit ragged.
23:00A bit ragged?
23:01You liar.
23:03You said to me it looked like the one out of the Abba.
23:06Yeah, I meant the one with the beard.
23:10Anyway, we weren't really the only ones
23:11to survive the Holocaust intact, were we?
23:13I mean, I'm thinking of the various institutions.
23:16Public schools, that sort of thing.
23:18I mean, you bet your life Rodine's got a shelter.
23:22Hey, Del.
23:23A thousand new bar girls
23:25in a shelter
23:26in school uniform.
23:28You sicko.
23:34No, no, don't misunderstand me.
23:36I mean, the school uniforms
23:37are of no importance whatsoever.
23:39I don't know why I mentioned them.
23:40No, no, it's probably because you're a
23:41twisted, perverted, corrupted, warped little pervo.
23:45Well, yeah, that might have something to do with it.
23:48It's in the line of duty, Del.
23:50They're perfect specimens.
23:51They're intelligent.
23:53Of course they're intelligent.
23:54They're still at bloody school, aren't they?
23:56Well, they fit.
23:57All that hockey.
23:58You might fancy the headmistress.
24:02Oh, thank you very much.
24:06Well, I think it's definitely worth
24:08bearing in mind in an emergency.
24:15Yeah, all right.
24:16Well, good night, Rodney.
24:17Good night, Del.
24:19Night, Grandad.
24:21Good night, Del.
24:23Night, Grandad.
24:25Good night, Rodney.
24:26Night, John Boy.
24:29Shut up.
24:30War is hell.
24:46War is hell.
24:52What?
24:53War is hell.
24:54Alan Ladd said that.
24:57Did he really go to sleep?
25:02Or was it Aldi Murphy?
25:04I don't know.
25:06I'm tired.
25:09It must have been one of them.
25:11Well, perhaps they both bloody said it.
25:14Go to sleep, will you?
25:15Now, that was Rock Hudson.
25:20For crying out loud.
25:22Will you two go to sleep?
25:32Rodney?
25:35Yeah, Rodney.
25:36Don't keep your eyes closed.
25:39I'm talking to you.
25:40What?
25:41I've just been thinking.
25:43Might not be a bad idea to survive the next war after all.
25:47Well, you got something up your sleeve, Del?
25:48No, no, no.
25:49Just a little idea that's been running around me old brain box, that's all.
25:52What's the point?
25:53All the animals will be dead.
25:56Won't be able to grow nothing because all the earth will be contaminated.
26:01Where are we going to get something to eat?
26:03There's going to be a little packy shop open somewhere.
26:09But we won't be the only ones to survive, will we?
26:12I was just thinking about all them girls down at that Rodine school.
26:16No, no, no, no.
26:17Nothing like that, nothing like that.
26:19I was just thinking, you see, most of those girls down there,
26:21they are the daughters of the noblers.
26:26The noblers.
26:28The noblers.
26:31French for nobility, isn't it, eh?
26:33Oh, sorry, I was miles off.
26:37Well, you see, down there, you don't know who's who, do you?
26:39I mean, you could meet a scruffy 17-year-old in a sweaty hockey shirt
26:43and muddy plimsolls.
26:45And you could be talking to the 459th in line for the throne.
26:50But after the old Russians had dropped 20,000 nuclear bombs on us,
26:54that scruffy 17-year-old could turn out to be first in line for the throne.
26:58So, you see, if I got on me bike,
27:03whipped down there a bit sharpish, like,
27:05did me Adam's axe, splash a brute, you know,
27:07took her out for a steak meal,
27:09loads of charm,
27:12I could end up being the king.
27:14On the other hand, a bit of mutation,
27:18a touch of strontium 90,
27:19I could end up being the queen.
27:24But either way, either way,
27:26it wouldn't matter,
27:26because the tax man wouldn't be able to get at me, would he, eh?
27:29Because I would be the head of state.
27:31And what with you out there,
27:34multiplying all over the place.
27:36I shouldn't be short of a few subjects, should I, eh?
27:43We could go for our holidays in Mustique.
27:47Hey, hey, what, what?
27:49Grandad could be Queen Mother.
27:54We'll dye his hat pink.
27:55Yeah, anyway, no, I mean,
28:01even if that didn't happen,
28:03then I can't honestly see how I could fail.
28:06You see, if the entire civilization was wiped out,
28:11we'd all be equal, wouldn't we?
28:13Because none of us would have nothing, right?
28:16Right.
28:17Except us, Rodders.
28:21What would we have, though?
28:23A grand's worth of lead.
28:26Eh?
28:27Pretty shrewd, eh, Rodney?
28:29Yeah.
28:30It's a real mind-bender deal, that.
28:31Yeah.
28:33No, no, we'll be all right.
28:35We'll survive, Rodney.
28:38You know why?
28:39Because we're survivors, that's why.
28:41Yeah.
28:43When the old alarm bells start ringing
28:45and the old missiles start firing
28:47and all the people are rushing about like mad mice
28:50trying to find somewhere to hide,
28:52we'll be tucked up in our own little nuclear shelter.
28:56Yeah.
28:58The end of the world could be just the break we're looking for.
29:03Oh, we're pretty shrewd, Rodney.
29:06Because they started dropping the bomb on us right now.
29:09We'd be as safe as ours is, brother.
29:12Safe as ours is.
29:13We've got some half-gross practice and mums and mums a couple of tiles.
29:26TVs, deep-freeze, and David Bowie OPs.
29:29Pool games, gold chains, wuss names, and header push.
29:32And Trevor Francis tracks suits from a mush.
29:34And Shepard's bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush.
29:38No income tax, no VAT.
29:41No money back, no guarantee.
29:44Black or white, rich or poor.
29:47We'll cut prices and a straw.
29:50Oh, God bless hooky street.
29:55Viva hooky street.
29:58Long live hooky street.
30:01Say my defeat hooky street.
30:04My defeat hooky street.
30:08Hooky street.
30:11Hooky street.
30:13Hooky street.
30:13Hooky street.
30:14Hooky street.
30:15Hooky street.
30:16Hooky street.
30:17Hooky street.
30:18Hooky street.
30:19Hooky street.
30:20Hooky street.
30:21Hooky street.
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30:24Hooky street.
30:25Hooky street.
30:26Hooky street.
30:27Hooky street.
30:28Hooky street.
30:29Hooky street.
30:30Hooky street.
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30:32Hooky street.
30:33Hooky street.
30:34Hooky street.
30:35Hooky street.
30:36Hooky street.
30:37Hooky street.
30:38Hooky street.
30:39Hooky street.
30:40Hooky street.
30:41Hooky street.
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