- 11 hours ago
Tv, Only Fools And Horses S02E07 - A Touch Of Glass
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TVTranscript
00:00Stick a pony in me pocket
00:05I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one which drives me bizarre
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:32La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:37You manage, Grandad?
00:44Yeah, I think so, Tim.
00:45Good. Mind your earn, yeah.
00:48Yeah, that's not bad, you know.
00:51Not bad. I reckon we've done well there.
00:53Yeah, it's all right.
00:56Waste of money, if you ask me.
00:58Come all this way and all.
01:00What do you mean a waste of money?
01:02I mean, look at them. They're beautiful, aren't they?
01:04Not only are they an exquisite ornament
01:06Guaranteed to brighten and adorn any sideboard
01:08But they are also a revolving musical box
01:12They are china cats that play how much is that doggy in the window
01:18What do you want for £1.25? Oakla bleed no much
01:24Well, don't you think it's a bit sick?
01:28You know, a cat playing a song about a dog
01:30No, it means they're unique
01:34It means there was the balls up at the factory
01:37And they put the wrong chimes in
01:39Yeah
01:41Yeah, I'll put the wrong chimes in you in a minute
01:45Come on
01:46Get this stuff loaded into the pan, right?
01:48Get this gear in here
01:50Hold on then
01:51Actually, you know, he's got a point there
01:54I bet there's some trader somewhere
01:56Who's got lumbered with a grocer revolving dogs
01:59To play the Siamese cat song
02:01Very funny
02:02Come on, Grandad
02:04We want you in here and all
02:05Go on
02:05In you go
02:06All right, all right
02:07Jammer me in
02:08Go on, the door will hold him in
02:09Don't worry, we're going to earn out of this
02:18Listen, this is not rubbish, you know
02:22This is North Korea's finest porcelain
02:27But our two great cultures have a different attitude towards animals
02:31We are both a nation of dog lovers
02:34The only difference is, they love to eat them
02:37Come on, Rodders
02:40Get your finger out
02:40We've got a long drive home
02:41Do they really eat them?
02:53Yeah
02:54Would I lie to you?
02:57Now, if a North Korean
02:58Came to live in London
02:59He'd think that Battersea Dog Zone was a takeaway
03:01No, there's nothing they like more than a nice plate of
03:06Poodle kebabs
03:09Oh, leave it out, will ya?
03:13Or bull terrier pie
03:15Oh, my dear boy, that's enough
03:18Or sweet and sour greyhound
03:21Oi, one more out of you
03:26And I'm going to be sick on your sheepskin
03:28And I mean it
03:29Come on, put your foot down, Rodney
03:38I'm starving
03:40I could just go a nice Jack Russell and chips
03:43Oh, for the last time, shut up
03:46Oi, look, should we pull over and give her an hand?
03:52Do me a favour, I want to get home for the pubs
03:54We can't just leave her stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, can we?
03:57You're a right little angel, you are, aren't you, eh?
04:00Go on, then, go on, pull over
04:01Good afternoon, madam
04:11Can I be of any assistance?
04:12Oh, that's awfully nice of you
04:14Do you know anything about cars?
04:16Do I know anything about cars?
04:18I used to drive for the John Player Special Team
04:21On the Grand Prix circuit?
04:23No, delivering fags round Moose
04:25He's a car, isn't he?
04:31I'm trying to get to Ridgemere Hall
04:33It's that large estate about five miles back up the road
04:37Ridgemere Hall?
04:39That's that big mansion what we passed, Del
04:41You in service there?
04:44Certainly not, I live there
04:46I'm Lady Ridgemere
04:47Lady Ridgemere?
04:50Rodney, get the tow rope
04:51Would you come with me, my lady?
04:57I'll get you home in no time at all
04:59Here we are
05:01Did you go to the wedding?
05:05The wedding?
05:07Oh, THE wedding
05:08Yes, we did
05:09Yeah, it was a lovely do, wasn't it?
05:11We watched it on our telly
05:13In colour
05:14It's a pity we didn't know you then
05:16Cos we were doing a lovely line in toasters
05:18No one made a blind in present
05:20May I?
05:23Now it's it
05:24Mind the old
05:25Oh!
05:26Oh!
05:26Oh!
05:27Well, you do.
05:53All right, Rodney, undo the tow rope and give Grandaddy's scarf back,
05:57is everything all right m'lady no wallace everything is not all right the car broke
06:07down and i was stranded in the middle of nowhere how dreadful for you and who are these people
06:15oh they told me home that's all now be a good chap i'll listen do push the car around to the
06:24very well m'lady boy you shouldn't be pushing a car like that at your age keep your knees bent and
06:33your back straight did you hear that and who are these people ponce come del let's go here you are
06:52granddad go what do you mean go you don't think i'm leaving here without so much as a cucumber
06:58sandwich and a cup of the earl grey do you this is fate rodney unison opportune air there's got to
07:04be an earner in it oh no come on del most nobility of brassic nowadays oh yeah where do you think
07:11they get them from then hey out of a christmas cracker yeah all right so they got the money
07:15but i don't want to know the likes of us do they no they think we're peasants yeah peasants
07:22what do you mean peasants they may think that you two are peasants well come to that i think you two
07:28are peasants but me i'm one of them that is accepted anywhere whether it is drinking lager
07:35with the market boys down at nine elms or sipping pimm's fruit cup at uh hendon regatta
07:41oh yeah eyes down for a full house it's his lordship
07:45say i'm sorry i'm afraid we're not open to the public for another three weeks
07:53no no you're great you're under a misapprehension we're not members of the general public
07:58we're friends of your wife's she's just popped a car around the garages oh i see well in that case i
08:04suppose you'd better come in oh right thanks very much grace and oi these are very refined people
08:14and they do not wish to hear your joke about the queer magician not it and don't you go dropping none
08:22very nice very nice they don't make pictures like that anymore do they hey no because i'm a great
08:37fan of the byzantine period myself yeah i don't think you can whack them you know no it's a funny
08:42thing you know your lordship but van koff happens to be my favorite artist and all it's a can of let
08:49i beg your pardon rodney it's a canaletto
08:54i know i know it's a canaletto i was just saying that van koff happens to be one of my favorite
09:05artists that's all yeah why do you reckon he chopped his ear roll off him doctor's orders possibly
09:11do you think so your brandy sir oh thank you very much i'm afraid we have run out of cream soda
09:18oh well don't worry about it wallace i shan't sir certainly gives good measures here doesn't
09:24you want to watch him very nice very nice ah there he is look at that lovely i didn't know
09:34you went to cambridge though my lord of course i'm a oxford man myself you were up at oxford
09:40no but he always supports them in the boat right yeah thank you granddad thank you you must be in a
09:47hurry to get home mr trotter oh no no no my lady no no no no we've got all the time in the world
09:52all the time in the world
09:54yeah i love this place beautiful in it beautiful house because i think i saw a photograph of it
10:03once in the uh horse and hound the horse and hound you hunt mr trotter oh yes i hunt punt and
10:09ski when the snow's firm enough how old is it uh is what old is what the house is it old yes the
10:18original structure was built in 1642 oh still you've done it out nice is it all tit oh what are you
10:27after a parts on job or something no i'm afraid the one thing we lack is a resident ghost oh never
10:35mind you still got wallace isn't you yes what is what is it i'm begging your pardon my lord there's a
10:40telephone call for you the chandelier people ah and about time to uh you will excuse me won't you
10:46yes go on you take your time my lord oh this is nice i see you like a bit of china and porcelain
10:52m'lady yeah this is very nice this oh oh i like this now don't tell me don't tell me uh capo del monte
11:02it's mostly dresden and that particular piece is worth several hundred pounds
11:07she really gone get away feel the weight of that then rodney
11:11yeah it is isn't it yeah of course that's where the money is isn't it in the weight
11:14yeah well mon dieu mon dieu if you like a nice piece of fine porcelain i've got the very thing
11:22for you in the back of the van don't inconvenience yourself mr trotter no no it's no trouble my lady
11:28no trouble i picked it up in this little uh antique shop in yeovil well it's um it's well circa
11:35something or other i'll pop out and fetch one for you shall i keep sprancing
11:40all right excuse me my lady
11:43where do you live that is assuming you're not squatting here
11:55no um we live in london one of one of the better parts of london yeah peckham
12:03it's um peckham village actually it's um well it's like a little st john's wood you know just
12:11south of the water yeah it's very nice we've got a flat in a tower block well it's it's an
12:17apartment in a in a complex a tall complex very sophisticated actually it's got lifts everything
12:28yes must be quite valuable with the price of property these days
12:32oh no we rent it no we release it he forgets bless him he's got a bit of shrapnel just it's a lease
12:42granddad do you remember a long-term lease oh yeah yeah yeah we lease it yeah the council said we could
12:49buy it for eight thousand
12:52god help us yes yes but it must be in your office somewhere all i know is your people came down here
13:00examined the chandeliers that was three weeks ago and i am still waiting for your estimate
13:06yes i suggest that you have another good look yes i'll hold on
13:11beast porcelain demi-glazed it revolves and plays how much is that doggy in the window
13:20you can't go wrong for a fiver can you hey oh i suppose not no don't be long i'll pour you a drink
13:26all right now just a minute to potter uh how much is that doggy in the window i don't know it depends
13:34how much you want to spend little joke no no what you know it's the tune isn't it how much is that
13:40doggy in the window the one with the waggly tail yes yes yes i know the thing is a cat
13:51oh well you're right and all it's times like this that i wish i went to cambridge
13:56tell you what i'll pour you a drink don't be long hello oh are you fine good
14:03twelve hundred pounds are you sure you're looking at the right paperwork
14:06yes two louis the 14th chandeliers that's right but how do you arrive at a figure of 1200 pounds all
14:13you've got to do is to take the things down clean them do a few minor repairs yes i am aware that it
14:18is 17th century french crystal i own the damn things yes i know it's a job for an expert that's
14:24why i got in touch with you but i'm sure if i shopped around i i could find a lower estimate than that
14:29yes i know that it is a dying trade but there must be someone somewhere
14:39oh sorry we can't stay any longer you lordship
14:43oh that's perfect all right brother please don't go
14:47oh toujours la politesse toujours i mean this is beautiful ain't it
14:53bet you've held a few balls in here my lady what
14:58yes we have we like a nice social gathering ourselves perhaps you'd like to come to the next
15:03one hey rodney yeah yeah i mean you know just bring a bottle and an lp something thank you for
15:09the cat mr trotter it blends so well with the rest of my collection especially with the dresden i
15:15fall yes i'm sorry we weren't able to pay you for it but neither my husband or i carry cash
15:21oh don't worry pay me next time i'm down yes of course what do you mean next time
15:26do you mean to say you're coming here again whatever for to pick up that fiver she owes it
15:33alarm mode alarm mode please accept it as a token of my esteem thank you
15:39yes it's getting rather late i think we we'd better say goodbye mr um yeah well thank you very
15:47much for your hospitality it's been very nice of you oh now look at that that's beautiful isn't it
15:53hey yes goodbye french crystal yes it is actually yeah thought it was you can always tell by the
16:01older cut of the uh droplets 17th century that ain't it granddad yeah if you like
16:07deal yeah i'd say it was one of the louise's if it ain't one of the louise's it's very similar
16:12ain't it rodney oh it's a dave renadale yeah yeah yeah but is it louis the 13th or louis the 14th
16:20uh now don't tell me you lordship i can get this that is louis the 14th am i right you lordship
16:27spot on trotter how'd you come to know so much about chandeliers huh
16:31how come we know so much about chandeliers
16:42oh sorry sorry about that amusement there you lordship but see asking a trotter if he knows
16:47anything about chandeliers is like asking mr kipling if he knows anything about cakes
16:53this is our business really oh yeah chandelier candelabra quality crystal and what
17:00that's been the family trade for generations well knowledge has been passed down from father to son
17:06our name goes right back in history doesn't it rodney
17:10yeah yeah right the way back to the plague
17:20our forefathers used to make them did you know there are still four troppers hanging in buckingham palace
17:27amazing no straight up of course what with the advent of solar energy and fluorescent light and there's
17:35not much called for it nowadays in recent years we've tended to specialize in the older renovation work
17:42do you mean to say that you get you can take that thing down and clean and repair it oh yeah do that
17:47blindfold anyway we mustn't keep you any later so i'm gonna say bombouche to you but
17:53no hurry trotter no hurry i i just remembered i've got a bottle of rather special port through
17:58there in the study what say we open it and have a bit of a chat oh that's very civil of you my lord
18:08don't be a plonker all your life rodney i've done the deal now it's 350 quid just to take down
18:14and clean a couple of chandeliers and do you honestly think he's gonna pay us of course he's
18:18gonna pay us he ain't one of your flyby night merchants i mean he's the lord of the realm
18:23he's got blue blood and and mottos he didn't even pay us for that cat oh shut up i bet that rotten cat
18:31girl you need specialized equipment for a job like this refined glass brushes advanced soldiering gear
18:38what we're gonna use hey super glue and a bottle of wind and lean though i'll get the right equipment
18:44rodney i know this panel beater and he owes me a favor look once we've done this job our name will
18:50spread all those dukes and earls they'll be crying out for us can't just imagine it hey we'd be the
18:57toast at a county set hey just think of it all the hounds you know baying with excitement as our steeds bite
19:05on the reins eager for the chase whoa boy whoa whoa hello teleos herbert did you ken john peel
19:11come on boy just take a look at him will he spent three hours in a stately home and he thinks he's
19:18the earl of sandwich you can't wait to get a shotgun and a retriever and go marching across the
19:23grouse moors all done up like a ploughman's lunch can you no that's right rodney i deserve a bit of
19:31good life i've worked hard enough for it i mean i've always been a trier yeah yeah where's it got me
19:38nowhere that's where it's got me we live half a mile up in the sky in this lego set built by the
19:45council we run a three-wheel van with a bald tire we drink in wine bars that the only thing that's
19:52got a vintage is the governor's wife that's why i want to grab this opportunity with both hands rodney
19:58you know eu dares wins this time next year we'll be millionaires do you honestly believe that del i
20:07mean do you really think we can make a success of this of course we can rodney the door will be open
20:13to a new world it'll be like like alex through the looking glass you will dine at the finest restaurants on
20:21on on steak chasseur and saute potatoes your shoes will be made by gucci your jewelry will come from
20:29asprey's your clothes will be made by man at cna
20:38what you reckon rodney hey what you reckon
20:41man at cna yeah all right i'll give it a whirl good boy you know it makes sense don't you
20:50oi but we do a proper job right no budging of course not what do you take me for hey
20:57oi i'll save the best bit for you
21:03i'll see you in the morning then yeah see you in the morning
21:06see you night
21:16no bodging i think he lacks faith in you dear boy
21:22it's always been his trouble ain't it hey hey here do me a favor will you granddad
21:28pop out in the kitchen see if we got any winderlene and superglue left will you
21:31do
21:51now righto granddad you pop upstairs and get the floorboards up now you know what you're doing
21:55don't you don't you don't you worry jill leave it to me right oh he's a craftsman
22:02hey granddad do you want a jammy no had one before we left
22:12why does he have to remove the floorboards
22:15what is this the international year of the wally brain or something listen my good man how do you
22:21think that great big heavy chandelier stays up there on that ceiling eh it is not by the power
22:26of prayer or double-sided sticky paint there is a long fretted bolt through that chandelier it goes
22:33through a wooden joist and it's held in position by a locking nut now in order to undo the locking nut
22:39you must first lift up the floorboards oh dear the jewer we learn something new every day
22:45if you need me i should be around at the garages right here while you're there give the van a wash
22:51will you ah talking of wally brains hey come on wait watch that
22:57i mean this is terrific isn't it what his lordship's nowhere to be seen and now even the butler's
23:04having a movie do you reckon we're gonna get paid look his lordship is away on holiday he'll pay us
23:09when he gets back now come on get these ladders up yeah you never know might be in for a bonus oh yeah
23:17perhaps he might bring us back a nice stick of rock each hey well just shut up moaning will you
23:21wait granddad how you doing all right dear boy
23:30i found it yeah i see he's found a nut i told you we could trust him
23:36right go on get this out i'm starting to undo it
23:39no go on very great even up the lettuce yeah granddad don't you touch nothing till we tell you
23:46you come on we better get up there all right rodney is anything you want yeah i want to go home
23:59that is all right look this is the chance i've been waiting for now don't let me down rodney now
24:05don't let me down all right all right granddad we're ready you can start undoing it now
24:12don't let me down
24:26one more turn dell all right now brace yourself
24:42don't let me down
24:52because i'm doing the other chandelier
24:57how can you tell
25:12all right
25:33all right dear boy
25:36All right?
25:38What do you mean, all right?
25:40Look at it!
25:42Did you drop it, then?
25:46How could we drop it?
25:48We wasn't even holding it!
25:50We was working on that one!
25:52Well, I wish you'd have said something.
25:54I was working on this one.
25:58Is it very valuable, dear?
26:00No, not really.
26:04It was bleeding priceless when it was hanging up there, though.
26:10What's his lordship gonna say when he finds out?
26:14Well, I think I can safely say that my invitation to the Humble has gone for her, but...
26:22It's broken.
26:24What the hell do you know about chandeliers, anyway?
26:28I think he's tumbled, though.
26:30I should telephone his lordship at his cottage immediately.
26:33Yeah, well, tell him to phone us at home.
26:35Oh, by the way, has his lordship got our home address and telephone number?
26:39No.
26:41Good! Right, out of it!
26:43Of course!
26:53LAUGHTER
26:55APPLAUSE
27:05We've got some off-cross black ties, some miles and miles, a couple of ties,
27:08TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie opens,
27:11Oogans, gulchons, gulchons, wuss-names, and Edipus,
27:13and trade-a-pusses, and trade-a-pusses,
27:15and track-seats from a mission ship is bish, bish, bish, bish, bish, bish, bish, bish, bish, bish.
27:19No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee.
27:25Black or white, rich or poor,
27:29We've got prices and a straw
27:33God bless Bookie Street
27:37Be my Bookie Street
27:40Long live Bookie Street
27:43Say 90 feet, Bookie Street
27:4690 feet, Bookie Street
27:49Bookie Street
27:52Bookie Street
27:54Bookie Street
27:56Back to the end!
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