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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S02E02 - Ashes To Ashes
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:05I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one who's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:32La la la la
00:34La la la la la
00:36La la la la
00:38Listen now, listen here, why shed a tear from the recession when you got me about, eh?
00:45Now just look what I bought you today, girls.
00:47Authentic French nylon tights, alright?
00:50As worn by Sasha Distel's mum.
00:52No, seriously, I'm being serious now.
00:54They're 20 denier and they're sheer nylon.
00:56Not only are they run-proof, but they're fun-proof as well.
00:59Now listen, if I asked you for a pound a pair
01:01I'd get killed in the stampede, wouldn't I?
01:03Yes, I would, I know, I can see your face.
01:04But I'll tell you what, I'm not gonna ask you for a pound a pair
01:07I'm not gonna ask you for 80 pence a pair
01:09What did you say?
01:09You give me 60 pence a pair, will you, love?
01:11Put your money away.
01:12I don't want 60 pence a pair
01:15I want 50 pence a pair and I'm starving myself.
01:19Now come on, ladies, here.
01:21I thought you, I thought you were bargain hunters, you ladies.
01:25Hello, you can't even get these in the factory for 50 pence a pair.
01:33Oi, Rodney, am I keeping you awake?
01:35No, don't you mind me, though.
01:37You carry on.
01:37Listen, I know the government keeps asking us to save energy
01:42but this is taking a piss.
01:44Look, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night
01:47worrying about all the trouble and what have you.
01:50Trouble or trouble?
01:51Well, last night I went round that Birdlinder's house
01:54for the evening, right?
01:55And her mum and dad come home earlier than what we expected.
01:59Catch you at it, did they?
02:00Look, no, they didn't actually catch us.
02:04It was all a bit of a panic, though.
02:05So where does all the trouble come from, then?
02:07Well, as I was leaving, her dad just happened to notice
02:10I had my jeans on back to front.
02:15I had your jeans on back to front?
02:17What did he say?
02:20He swore at me.
02:21Oh, I bet he did.
02:24I bet he didn't know whether you were coming or going, did he?
02:30Oh, hello, Trig.
02:32Here, how's your gran?
02:34Well, didn't you hear, Del?
02:35The old girl passed on.
02:36Oh, what a shame.
02:38I am sorry, Trig.
02:39Well, your fault, Del.
02:42Funeral's on Friday.
02:43You'll come, won't you?
02:44Oh, Friday?
02:46It's a bit difficult.
02:47I'm a bit tired up, actually, Trig.
02:49Anyway, you don't want a big crowd there, do you?
02:51There won't be a big crowd, Del.
02:52I'm the only one who's going.
02:53Oh, yeah.
02:59Yeah, I'll come.
03:00I'll tell you what, I'll bring granddad and all, because he used to know your gran, didn't
03:03he?
03:04Rodney will come as well.
03:05Hey.
03:06Cheers, Del.
03:07Appreciate it.
03:08It's all right.
03:08I'll tell you what, I'll order a car, shall I?
03:14That's a good idea, Trig.
03:16I'll see you at grand's house.
03:17About 10 o'clock.
03:18All right, cheers.
03:20Oi, you.
03:21What's the idea of lumbering me with a funeral?
03:24He's a mate, isn't he?
03:25You wouldn't want him to go on his own, would you?
03:27Well...
03:28No, of course you wouldn't.
03:29Anyway, going to a funeral would be good practice for me and granddad.
03:34For what?
03:34When that Linda's dad catches up with you.
03:37Now, that is not funny, Derek.
03:39Yeah, I think it is hilarious.
03:41All right, come on then, girls.
03:43Here we are.
03:43Genuine French tights, as worn by Charles, as newborn sister.
03:46Wedgwood.
03:52Wedgwood's pottery.
04:07Oh, is it?
04:08Oh, yeah, I always get those two mixed up.
04:10That must have been why I couldn't sell that Chippendale teapot last week.
04:13Oh, well, here.
04:15Look at this over here, look.
04:16Look at that.
04:22It's a copy.
04:24Oh, these are nice.
04:25Look at that.
04:25These are nice.
04:27Matching pair and all.
04:28Talk about a vulture.
04:30Now, listen, granddad, look.
04:33Trigg's grand left him these and her will, right?
04:35And all this other stuff.
04:36And he wants to sell it, right?
04:37Do you know Trigg?
04:38He's not the brightest thing in Christendom, is he, eh?
04:40I mean, I know a lot of people that are born ate me short of a shilling, but in Trigg's
04:44case, God added VAT.
04:47Look, if he tries to take this lot uptown, he's going to get right taken on, isn't he,
04:50eh?
04:51So I reckon it's much better that he gets, well, you know, stitched up by a friend rather
04:55than a stranger.
04:58I'll put your coats in a bedroom.
05:00Fancy a drink?
05:02Dave?
05:02Well, I'll just have a small, large one, Trigg.
05:08Don't you think this is a wrong time and place to be shanting it up?
05:11No, no, of course not, eh?
05:13Oi, Trigg, what do you reckon, eh?
05:14Would your grand like to think of us, you know, standing around moping in the morning?
05:17Yeah, she'd have loved it.
05:19She was a miserable old cow.
05:22She never used to be like that, son.
05:24When she was younger, she was a real live wire.
05:27Life and soul of the party was, Alice.
05:30Yeah, I heard she was a bit of a girl.
05:32They reckon that's what helped finish my grandad off.
05:35You knew my grandad Arthur, didn't you, Mr Trotter?
05:38Yeah, I knew Arthur all right.
05:40He was a smashy man.
05:41He took care of me when my mum went.
05:43Where was she dying?
05:45He died a couple of years before I was born.
05:52Can almost see my grandad now.
05:54Sitting by the fire, one leg on the fender, other one in the corner.
06:00That's all right.
06:03He had a false leg, didn't he?
06:04He came off.
06:06He was a road sweeper as well.
06:09Yeah, taught you to trade, didn't he, Trigg, eh?
06:11Takes you back, doesn't it?
06:13Come on, Trigg.
06:14It's no point dwelling in the past.
06:16You've got to look towards the future, ain't you?
06:18Come on, you're going on your holidays on Tuesday, ain't you?
06:19Yeah, I'm looking forward to that, Del.
06:21I've been under a bit of pressure lately,
06:23what with grand in hospital and me case being adjourned.
06:26It'll be nice to get away from it all.
06:29I'm going to live it up a bit.
06:30Discos, nightclubs, golden beaches, blue skies.
06:35Oh, sounds great, Trigg.
06:36Where are you going?
06:37Ireland.
06:37And the grand left me a bit of money and these bits and pieces,
06:43so I ain't short of a few, Bob.
06:46Carl's here.
06:47Well, just take one last look around the old place.
06:52When you think of all that's gone on in this house,
06:56me grand and granddad live in here together.
07:00What makes you go cold, doesn't it?
07:02No, no, come on, Trigg.
07:04Should be the opposite, shouldn't it?
07:05I mean, you must remember all the warmth
07:07and the love that they had between them.
07:08No, there weren't much of that, Del boy.
07:10They didn't talk to each other for 15 years.
07:1315 years?
07:14Well, me granddad found out
07:15that while he was away in the army,
07:17she used to have another man in the house.
07:25Did you ever hear that rumour?
07:27Me? No, son.
07:29Did he ever say who it was?
07:32Never.
07:33Wish I knew, though.
07:34I'll go and fetch our coats.
07:37They're in the bedrooms.
07:38It's up the stairs.
07:39I know where it is.
07:44That confirms it, Rodders.
07:46Yeah?
07:47Yeah.
07:49Confirms what?
07:51Well, look.
07:52See that little mark there?
07:54What?
07:54There.
07:55Oh, I can get that off.
07:56Sorry.
07:58No, not there.
07:59Not on there.
08:02On there, look.
08:03That little mark there, look.
08:05Yeah?
08:05That confirms that these urns are meissen.
08:09No.
08:10Yeah.
08:11No, guaranteed, brother.
08:15Meissen, eh?
08:16Yeah.
08:16What's my son in, though?
08:21It was German China, innit?
08:23Mid-19th century, according to the book.
08:26Now, there was a China sale at Christie's the other week,
08:28and a couple of pieces similar to these,
08:30not in such good condition,
08:31went for $250.
08:33These must be worth $300 of anybody's money.
08:36Well, it was a newspaper in my bedroom
08:38with an article about it.
08:39I'll go and fetch it.
08:41And, oi, you.
08:42You just keep your mitts off that, right?
08:43Got me eye on you.
08:47$300, Nicker.
08:49Don't look very valuable.
08:51Yeah, well, the best ones never do, do they?
08:53Oh, looks like the stuff we used to win at the fair.
08:56Oi, you break that, and he'll stuff your head down a bog.
09:01Good almighty.
09:03Grandad, what's up with you?
09:05Just look for yourself.
09:07Look at what?
09:08What's in there?
09:13It's not a spider, is it?
09:16No.
09:23What is it?
09:24It's Arthur.
09:27Arthur?
09:28Trigger's grandad, Arthur.
09:30Them's his ashes.
09:34Put the lid on, Rodney.
09:36Here.
09:41Bloody hell.
09:43Hell!
09:44Could you come in here, please?
09:46Just sum it up with one of the urns.
09:48If that soppy old git's broken it,
09:50I'll stick his head down the car seat.
09:56Well, what's up?
09:58It's Arthur's ashes.
10:00Arthur's ashes?
10:01That's the black bloke that won Wimbledon, isn't it?
10:07No.
10:09It's Trigger's grandad, Arthur.
10:12His ashes is in that urn.
10:14Don't take the top off.
10:24What's the matter with you, don't take the top off?
10:26What you got in there, a genie or something?
10:28Huh.
10:28Well, how do you know it's him?
10:35Huh?
10:36It's hardly a passport photo, is it?
10:39It's him all right, Dil.
10:41I know it's him.
10:42It's all right.
10:43All right, then.
10:44So it's him.
10:44Here I look.
10:45Nothing to worry about, is it?
10:46Nothing to worry about.
10:47You don't know the full story, do you?
10:49You see, them rumours about me and Arthur's wife, well, they was true.
10:56But nothing happened between us, Dil.
10:58You've got to believe that.
10:59Nothing happened.
11:00Well, we was just two lonely people.
11:04Arthur was away in the army, and your gran had just departed.
11:10Oh, no, she hadn't died.
11:12Just departed.
11:13Oh, yeah, gotcha.
11:14Well, we was just a bit of company for each other, that's all.
11:18But Arthur wouldn't believe that.
11:21Well, he wasn't as soppy as they made out, then, was he?
11:23He put a curse on me, Dil.
11:25He pointed his bony finger at me and he said,
11:28Trotter, someday, somehow, I'm going to come back and haunt you.
11:34And he had gypsy blood in him, Dil.
11:36You know what they say about a gypsy's curse?
11:38Oh, come on, you don't believe all that pony, do you?
11:43Yeah, I mean, it was a long time ago, weren't it?
11:45You moved since then.
11:46He's never going to find you now.
11:49Oi, then again, being a gypsy, you might move around a bit, hey?
11:52He's off.
11:53Never going to find me.
11:54Look over there.
11:56He's in the same bloody room as me.
12:04Don't be silly, Grandad.
12:07Ghosts and all that.
12:09It's a load of rubbish, isn't it?
12:10Yeah, I mean, it's Gracie Kid stuff, isn't it?
12:14Yeah.
12:15That's right, yeah.
12:17No, no, I'm going to go to my room and get the paper, all right?
12:20Yeah.
12:20Yeah.
12:29Who left this wooden leg out here?
12:33Don't be back to Sydney, Dale boy!
12:35I mean, the thing is, Arthur, you and me used to be friends once.
13:02So, I mean, there ain't no point in holding a grudge, is there?
13:06I know what happened annoyed you.
13:10It would have annoyed me.
13:13But, well, it was a long time ago, so why don't we just let bygorns be bygorns, eh?
13:19Well, you never frighten me with all that old tosh about a curse and what?
13:29I mean, I ain't the superstitious type.
13:32In fact, I don't know why I'm talking to you now.
13:36Well, I know you can't hear me, Arthur.
13:40That is what you think, Trotter.
13:42You're coming through louder than a CB, rubber duck.
14:03Is it forgiveness that you seek, Trotter?
14:09Well, yeah.
14:11I'm really very sorry for what's happened, Arthur.
14:16Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?
14:20Oh, I do, Arthur.
14:21I do really.
14:23I'll do anything to prove it to you, Arthur.
14:25Anything you say.
14:28All right, then.
14:29Tell me where your money's hidden.
14:34I ain't got no money.
14:37Oh, don't give me that, you lying old kid.
14:40I know you're all right for a few, Bob.
14:42I don't want to know where it is hidden.
14:45It's in me suitcase under me bed.
14:48No, it ain't. I looked.
14:53You've been under my bed?
14:54I've been everywhere, Trotter.
14:59I am always with you on those cold winter nights
15:04when your two grandsons, Rodney, and the good-looking one are out.
15:09Have you never felt a presence?
15:12I am the chill wind that waits you in the dead of night.
15:17I am the movement in the curtains.
15:22I am also the creaking of the floorboards.
15:36I'm always with you, Trotter.
15:39Always with you.
15:41Even when you're alone, I am keeping you company.
15:45What are you doing?
15:49What are you doing?
15:49What's all that about?
16:03Who is here?
16:07Old Soppy here was holding a seance with his little mate, Arthur.
16:12Never underestimate the powers of the unknown, dear boy.
16:15What I say is get them ashes out of this house.
16:17Why don't you try and get in touch with Trigger?
16:19Get him to take them away.
16:21Well, what do you think I've been trying to do all evening?
16:22I've left messages for him everywhere.
16:25He'll be going off on a three-week holiday soon.
16:26Well, looks like we'll have to dispose of them ourselves, then.
16:30Yeah, looks like it.
16:31I suppose that's the least we can do, is to give them a dignified send-off.
16:35Well, anyway, we can't give anyone a dignified send-off at three o'clock in the morning.
16:40Right?
16:41So we'll do it tomorrow.
16:42You got any ideas how we're going to do it?
16:44Well, I thought we'd put him in an envelope and post him anonymously to a priest.
16:50Bowls.
16:50Well, have you got any better suggestions, then?
16:55No, Bowls.
16:57He was a lifelong member of the Peckham Bowling Club.
17:00I think he'd love to be scattered over that green.
17:05Yeah.
17:06Well, all right, that's what we'll do, then.
17:08Well, they could refuse permission.
17:10Yeah, only if we ask.
17:12Come on, Adele.
17:13You can't go merrily sprinkling someone's ashes over a bowling green without being noticed.
17:18They'll be playing on it.
17:19That is why we're going to do it at night when they're not playing on it.
17:22Right?
17:23Oh.
17:24All right, well, I'm going back to bed.
17:25Yeah, so am I.
17:26Good night, Greg, then.
17:28Dear old boy, do you think I've made me peace with Arthur now?
17:32I mean, that were a good idea of mine about the bowling green, weren't it?
17:36I think he'd have liked that.
17:38And you heard me apologise to him, didn't you?
17:41I mean, I don't think I ain't done nothing else that could incur his wrath, have I?
17:46No.
17:47No, of course not.
17:49Mind you, there is one tiny little thing that might have upset him.
17:53What's that, Bill?
17:55Well, Arthur is over there.
17:59Sweet dreams.
18:00What are we going to do now?
18:22How should I know?
18:26This was his favourite bowling club, right?
18:28It's where he spent many happy hours, right?
18:31So I'll just turn your own upside down and we'll have it weighing our toes.
18:35Hey, no, you can't just tip it upside down.
18:38It'll leave a mound.
18:39They'll think they've got moles.
18:40Scatter it evenly about, whilst we sing a hymn or something.
18:47Do you know any hymns?
18:51We free kings of Orient art.
18:54We free...
18:55That is a Christmas cake for my body.
18:59Then why don't you go whole hog, you know, and sing Jingle Bells, while I dance about and we sprinkle him around.
19:04Shhh!
19:06Do what you want it, but hurry up!
19:09All right, I'll just say a prayer.
19:11Get down on your knees.
19:19Dear God, high up in the sky...
19:23Oh, my God!
19:24LAUGHTER
19:25LAUGHTER
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27LAUGHTER
19:28LAUGHTER
19:29I can't see a thing, my dear. There's nothing there at all.
19:52I think you're imagining it.
19:54Bill, I assure you, I saw something.
19:56You've spent too much time.
19:58Heave to, Rodney. Heave to. This'll do nicely.
20:06Well, I told you before, and I'm going to tell you again.
20:10You cannot perform a burial at sea at St. Catherine's Dock.
20:14I'm not performing a burial at sea, am I?
20:17Performing one of them Indian ceremonies, like what they do in the Ganges.
20:20I saw it on Wicca's World.
20:22Don't worry, it'll be a doddle.
20:23But it's rivers polluted.
20:25Well, that ain't going to upset Arthur, is it, eh?
20:26It's not going to go to the river much, didn't I?
20:29Now, look, just shut up, will you?
20:31Sit quiet for a minute, and...
20:33You stink so...
20:35...religious.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:39What are you doing?
20:46God almighty!
20:49LAUGHTER
20:50I repeat, what are you doing?
20:57They go for that.
20:59Have something sensible, Dale.
21:01I mean, don't go telling them we're boat people or nothing.
21:04Yeah, come on.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:05We're Buddhists.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:09We're scattering some remains.
21:13It's part of our religion.
21:15Have you written permission from the river authorities?
21:20Have we written permission from the river authorities?
21:23Well, of course we bloody ain't.
21:25Of course we bloody...
21:26LAUGHTER
21:27No, I'm afraid not, officer.
21:29You can't do it, then.
21:34Oh.
21:35Oh, I see.
21:36Right.
21:37Well, thank you very much for all your help.
21:41Let it get out of sight, and then I'll pour it overboard.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:44We'll escort you back to the shore.
21:50Oh, right.
21:50Thank you very much.
21:52Yeah.
21:54Sweet marks.
21:55There's never a copper around when you need one.
21:59The sods are always there when you don't need them.
22:03Full of head boat, partner.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06LAUGHTER
22:10LAUGHTER
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12Magic, ain't they?
22:22The old Irish tumble-dryer.
22:25LAUGHTER
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27LAUGHTER
22:28Oi.
22:31You weren't, were you?
22:33Of course I weren't.
22:35What do you think I am, a philistine or something?
22:37LAUGHTER
22:38LAUGHTER
22:39Could be a sign, you know.
22:42What?
22:43Our failure to get rid of the contents of that urn.
22:46It could be a sign that we didn't ought to dabble in that sort of thing.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49What are you going on about?
22:51Well, look, we're walking straight into the unknown here, aren't we?
22:55I mean, you don't know what strange dark powers we might evoke.
22:59Oh, give over, you tart.
23:02What do you think?
23:02The bogeymen are going to come round and get us in our flat.
23:05If they do, they'll be too knackered to do any haunting.
23:08Them lifts are broken down again.
23:10LAUGHTER
23:11Yeah, well, as far as I'm concerned, Del, you can scrub round it, all right?
23:15Give your ears to the church jumble sale or something.
23:18I've washed me hands of them.
23:19Rodders, listen, now, don't be a plonker.
23:23They're worth 300 quid.
23:25And you don't go giving our national treasures to jumble sales, do you?
23:30Eh?
23:30I mean, just think what we could do with 300 quid, eh?
23:33Think of a nice new suit each.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:37Get you a nice pair of dungarees.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:41LAUGHTER
23:42LAUGHTER
23:43That thing's just sucked up our urn.
23:47Oi!
23:49Oi!
23:52Oi!
23:52Oi!
23:54Oi!
23:55Stop!
23:56Oi!
23:57You've sucked up our urn!
23:58My urn?
24:00Oh, my God, what was he, a little kin?
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03Is he winding me up or what?
24:05No, he just don't understand.
24:07Look, it's not urn as in urny.
24:09It's urn as in, you know, Grecian.
24:11Ah.
24:13Well, I thought there was something blocking me tubes.
24:16Blocking's tubes permanently.
24:18LAUGHTER
24:19Come on, then.
24:21Come on, then.
24:23Is it there?
24:25Yeah.
24:25Apparently?
24:26Oh, there's it.
24:27Oh, I never see you.
24:28Oh.
24:29That's it.
24:30Yeah, there you go.
24:30Right.
24:31And be more careful where you leave,
24:33your blimmin' Grecian urns in future.
24:35I'll have a union in on this, I will.
24:38LAUGHTER
24:39Oh, my God, it's empty.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:42It's empty.
24:46Half has been sucked up into that thing.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:49It wasn't our fault, though, was it, Rodders?
24:52Eh?
24:54No.
24:54No, it was a complete accident, Del.
24:57Totally beyond our control.
24:59There's no need for us to reproach ourselves.
25:02Is there?
25:02No, no, no, there isn't.
25:05It must have been an act of God.
25:07I mean, don't you see the poetic irony of it?
25:11Well, Arthur used to be a road sweeper.
25:13To him, this must be like a Viking's burial.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:18LAUGHTER
25:19Maybe he would have wanted it like this.
25:33Maybe.
25:33Maybe.
25:35I doubt it, but maybe.
25:37LAUGHTER
25:38LAUGHTER
25:38Now, hang on.
25:48He's just coming in now.
25:50Del boy, it's for you.
25:51Who is it?
25:52Trigger.
25:54Trigger?
25:55What's he want?
25:56He said you'd been leaving messages for him to phone you.
25:59Yeah, I know, I had.
26:00That's when I wanted him to have his grandad's ashes back.
26:03But we've got rid of him now.
26:05Here, supposing he wants him, you know,
26:07wants him back after he comes back off holiday.
26:09He wants me to keep him.
26:10What am I going to say?
26:13Er...
26:13Well, you just say...
26:16Oh, you think the summit, all right.
26:18Oh, yes.
26:19Thank you very much, Rodney.
26:20Oh, and thank you.
26:22You're a great help.
26:24Git.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:25Oh, Trigg, how's it going, my son?
26:30Yeah?
26:31What's the weather like?
26:33Oh, foggy, is it?
26:34Well, it's a bit misty here.
26:35Yeah.
26:36Where are you?
26:37You're fog-bound at Gatwick Airport.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:40He's still here.
26:42He could get in a cab and come back for it, couldn't he?
26:45Erm, yeah, well, Trigg,
26:47the thing is, look, we've got a bit of a problem.
26:49Yeah, and it's a bit delicate, so...
26:53Well, you know, I'd brace yourself if I were you.
26:56Yeah.
26:57Well, you remember them urns that I had off you, huh?
27:00Yeah, well, you see, I was just sort of cleaning them up, like,
27:03to get them ready to go to the Boy Scouts Bring Them By sale.
27:07And, er...
27:09Well, I...
27:10I found your grandad's ashes in one of them.
27:14Yeah, and I wondered what you wanted me to do with them.
27:17Yeah, well, this is the problem, innit?
27:19I mean, what do you do with them?
27:21Erm, look, why don't you leave it up to me, Trigg?
27:25Eh?
27:26Of course it would be a respectable and dignified ceremony.
27:33Yep.
27:34Yeah, good boy.
27:35Well, you know it makes sense.
27:39Yeah.
27:40Eh?
27:42Well, they must be your grandad.
27:43No, I didn't know that.
27:51No.
27:52No, nobody told me.
27:55Right.
27:56You have a nice time, Trigg, and I'll see you when you get back, all right?
27:59Something you forgot to tell me, weren't there, grandad?
28:15What's that, dear old boy?
28:20Trigg's nan was married twice.
28:21Oh, no.
28:23Oh, no.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:28APPLAUSE
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