- 1 week ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00It's too damn cold to be smoking outside.
00:04I need a cocktail.
00:07For a man.
00:19Hey, Mabel.
00:20Hey there, Officer Reed.
00:21I'm afraid I'm gonna have to write you up.
00:23For what?
00:24You know.
00:25I've warned you plenty of times you can't smoke indoors.
00:27I only stepped inside so I could smoke it outside.
00:30They all know what happened.
00:32You know, if I wanted to smoke it indoors,
00:34I would have stayed indoors so you couldn't see me smoking.
00:36Hey, I warned you.
00:38Come on, now.
00:39You know this is a ridiculous law. Admit it.
00:42I'm not gonna admit that.
00:43Oh, come on. Tell the truth.
00:45I'm not gonna tell you the truth.
00:49Make sure you get those garbage cans in.
00:52Or I can leave you some blank tickets
00:54and you can fill them in later.
00:57Or you could come back later and fill this air.
01:04You know, since I already paid for it,
01:06I might as well smoke inside.
01:07See y'all.
01:08Good morning, Mavis.
01:20I see you're smoking your breakfast.
01:22You know what? You're bugging me.
01:23You're bugging me. What do you want?
01:25I have a big day plan.
01:27Good for you.
01:28I have a breakfast meeting.
01:29Then I'm going to drop off my resume at a couple of law firms.
01:31Carpe diem, I say.
01:33Come on, baby. Let's go. Your boo is starving.
01:37Girl, you like his new jacket? It's FUBU.
01:41That means for us, by us.
01:43No, it doesn't. It means for us. By us. Not you. Us.
01:52I just need to get some cash.
01:54Oh, baby, I paid for brekkie.
01:56That isn't necessary.
01:57It's okay, baby. I know you on hard times right now.
02:01I'm not on hard times, Rita. I'm just between jobs.
02:04I think I can afford an egg.
02:06But you see I wanted some bacon, too.
02:11Hey!
02:12What's the matter, baby?
02:13Did you see that?
02:14The ATM dispensed the money.
02:15I reached for it and it sucked it back in.
02:17This is egregious.
02:18Hey, hey, hey, Sugar Ray.
02:22Don't be beating on my machine.
02:24Mavis, it took my money.
02:25Oh, it ain't really my machine.
02:31Uh, what's this?
02:36Oh, that's just a ticket I got for allegedly smoking.
02:39After all the warnings you've been given?
02:42Listen, I came inside to light it.
02:44I came back outside.
02:45The man wrote me a ticket.
02:46The police are just being funky about it.
02:48That's nothing.
02:50New Year's Eve, I got a ticket for urinating
02:52between two parked cars.
02:58How did they see you?
02:59They were parked on opposite sides of the street.
03:05You see, that's why I lay low.
03:07I lead a clean and blameless life.
03:09And my intense Persian pride keeps me
03:12from doing anything I should not be doing.
03:14Even when I'm alone.
03:16In the dark.
03:21With pay-per-view.
03:22Why don't you go outside and sweep up the cat poo?
03:30Oh, baby, let's go, please.
03:31My tummy is growling.
03:32Just a minute, sweetheart.
03:34I got a number off the ATM.
03:36I need to register a complaint
03:37and arrange for the re-procurement of my funds.
03:39Why can't a brother just say
03:40he need to get his money back?
03:43Baby, it's only 40 bricks.
03:45But it's not about the money, Rita.
03:47Hello?
03:48My name's Courtney Ray and I just lost...
03:51Oh.
03:52I thought it was a real person.
03:56Cheese and crackers, I'm back at the beginning.
04:02You know, girl, it is all about the money.
04:05You know what I would do if I was you?
04:06What?
04:07I would leave him.
04:14Hey, Mavis, I just want...
04:21I want to remind you to bring your trash cans in.
04:23Okay.
04:27Ooh, those peppers was hot.
04:32All right.
04:33Okay.
04:36Well, aren't we a rebel?
04:42Oh, I can smoke wherever I like.
04:44I can smoke...
04:45Ooh, officer.
04:46Ooh, spicy food.
04:47Ooh, spicy food.
04:48I can smoke anywhere I like.
04:50You can...
04:55Mm. Uh-huh.
04:57Ooh!
04:58Ooh!
05:00Oh, no, not on the floor.
05:01Not on the floor.
05:02Not on the floor.
05:03Yeah, very funny, Mavis.
05:04You...
05:05You really got me this time.
05:09What's the matter?
05:10Something was wrong with the food?
05:13Look, you know I can't just eat anything.
05:14I'm not like you.
05:15What is this?
05:16You get a ticket?
05:17For spinning?
05:18Oh, child.
05:19I got you two times.
05:20Oh, child.
05:21It's going to cost me $50.
05:22Look, and you of all people know I don't have that kind of money.
05:23$50?
05:24Oh, you know what?
05:25Don't worry about it.
05:26I'll pay it.
05:27Oh, thank you.
05:28Thank you very much.
05:29All right.
05:30You want a beer?
05:31Oh, anything.
05:32Please.
05:33All right.
05:36Very generous.
05:37That'll be $49.95.
05:39all people know I don't have that kind of money. $50? Oh, you know what? Don't worry
05:43about it. I'll pay it. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. All right. You want a beer? Oh, anything.
05:47Please. Thank you. Very generous. That'll be $49.95.
05:57I heard you got a ticket for smoking. Yeah. I got a ticket for smoking. Nassim got a ticket
06:03for spitting, which I have to pay. The Arab? Look, he's Persian. Big diff.
06:14Listen, you know, it's so dumb. All he did was spit a pepper on the street. Cop comes along,
06:18writes him a ticket. The whole city's going nuts. I mean, they don't have any money. They're going
06:22broke. I got one for putting an extra sign in the window of my diner. What? Would all the cops you
06:27date? This was one of the gay ones. Oh.
06:33I tell you, diversity bites you in the ass every time.
06:40We got to get you back on hormone replacement ground.
06:43I'd rather put my nipples in a pencil shop.
06:54Anyway, I fought mine. I got it dismissed. Really?
06:57Yeah. Well, your smoking ticket, you don't have a chance. But spitting, that's a no-brainer.
07:02All you have to do is check this box when you pay his fine, and they'll set a court date for Nassim.
07:08Really?
07:08Mm-hmm.
07:09Oh, cool. Then we're going to fight it.
07:10Yeah, sure.
07:11Those judges are pretty reasonable. Of course, it doesn't hurt to wear something a little revealing.
07:16I have Nassim show some fur.
07:25Hey. Oh, are you still here?
07:29Yes. I've talked to three different computers, and I don't want to seem paranoid, but one of
07:34them sounded deliberately spiteful. Perhaps they knew they were talking to you.
07:42Mavis, I need to go to the men's room, could you?
07:44Yeah, let's put it on the speaker.
07:46Oh, that's my song.
07:50Mavis.
07:51Just a minute. This is the best part.
07:54Ow!
07:55What?
07:56Uh, part came in for the refrigerator. This should make the noise stop.
08:02Oh, great. Maybe later on you can find a way to keep it cold.
08:06It would stay cold if you wouldn't open the door so much.
08:09Woman, you know you're going to eat the whole pie. Why not take it all out the first time?
08:18Or maybe I could just fix it?
08:21I mean, it's the least thing I could do after you paid for my ticket.
08:25Oh, we're not paying it. I got us a court date. We're fighting it.
08:29What court date? I, uh, I didn't ask you to get a court date.
08:32I know, but the ticket is ridiculous. You shouldn't have to pay it.
08:36Wait, wait, wait. You're just trying to get out of paying for my ticket.
08:40We're only doing it because it's the right thing to do.
08:42The right thing may be for you, but not for me.
08:44Listen, you have to trust me. You cannot let the man get the best of you.
08:49I just, who is the man that you black people keep talking about?
08:52Man, you're the only man in my life.
08:59I am not a man.
09:01But you keep messing with me, I'm going to make you my bitch.
09:04I know what you just said.
09:14And I'm going to tell you something.
09:16You can't talk to me like that.
09:18I'm still your boss.
09:20Yeah? Well, how about I quit?
09:22Well, how about, that's fine with me. Go on and quit.
09:26I'm quitting.
09:27See ya.
09:27Oh, come on the scene.
09:31Come on.
09:32Quit it.
09:35Customer service, this is Michael.
09:37Oh, call back.
09:42Hey, baby, I brought you some breakfast.
09:45And some coffee, too.
09:46Now, would you like some sugar in that?
09:48Or would you like some sweet and low?
09:51Rita, please do not try to arouse me.
09:52This would be intolerable if the music weren't so fantastic.
10:01Oh, snap!
10:03Baby, the machine spit out your money.
10:06Rita, I unplugged it.
10:10Fine.
10:11Well, then I'm going to go get me some nail tips.
10:20Yes?
10:21I, too, was once unemployed.
10:24This has nothing to do with being unemployed.
10:27The whole system seems to be against you.
10:29Of course, I am a woman, and we are used to it.
10:32I'm sure it's worse for you,
10:34having your manhood called into question.
10:36My manhood?
10:38Oh, that's preposterous.
10:40My manhood is doing quite well, thank you.
10:43Of course.
10:44I take back everything I said,
10:46except for the manhood.
10:50Isn't the scene back yet?
10:51No.
10:52This is bad.
10:53I can't find him anywhere.
10:55Chet Everett.
10:58It's Yad Viga.
10:59Whatever.
11:02Have you heard from the scene?
11:03No.
11:04May my husband have his job?
11:05No.
11:07He's coming back.
11:09You know, I left him a million messages.
11:11I went by his apartment.
11:12I went to his health club.
11:14Apparently, he's never been there.
11:17Have you tried that restaurant in Little Persia?
11:21There's a Little Persia?
11:22There's a little everything.
11:23I'm looking for a friend.
11:35I am a good friend.
11:38I have a pickup truck, and don't mind lending it out.
11:46Hello, my friend.
11:47Hey, can I try that?
11:49I've never done this before.
11:59Cool.
12:03Actually, my friend's last name is Kat Najami.
12:06Oh, Nassim.
12:07Yes.
12:08Who are you?
12:10I'm his boss, Mavis Ray.
12:12I'm sure you've heard him.
12:14He's talked about me.
12:15No.
12:16I'm a singer.
12:18Don't hide love on my baby.
12:21Don't hide love.
12:22You know, I hear your brother.
12:24Don't hide love.
12:25I see you walking to me.
12:26Don't hide love.
12:28Hear your calls now.
12:29Don't hide love.
12:30I said my sugar.
12:32Don't hide love.
12:33I said my baby.
12:34You know, I never could resist that song.
12:39I'm powerless like a cobra in a basket.
12:43What the hell is she doing here?
12:45Come here.
12:47I know that you did not quit over this dumb fight.
12:51No, it's not a fight.
12:51I don't want to go to court.
12:53Nassim, the ticket is ridiculous.
12:55I can live with that.
12:57Why would you want to?
12:58This is America.
13:00If you get angry, you can squawk about it.
13:03No, I'm not.
13:04Look, sit down.
13:05Let me explain.
13:06I cannot squawk.
13:08I am an immigrant, okay?
13:10And I cannot afford to be deported.
13:13You see, I have to be on perfect behavior.
13:16Every little thing I do gets looked at.
13:18You don't know.
13:19You don't know what it's like to live under a constant cloud of suspicion.
13:22Child, I'm a black woman who likes to shop in nice stores.
13:25I know all about suspicion.
13:26There's nobody who's going to deport you.
13:31You're here legally.
13:32You can fight the damn ticket.
13:34Look, if a spitting ticket is the price to pay for living here, I'll pay it.
13:38Look, I'll spit again.
13:39Excuse me.
13:41I'm sorry, Father.
13:42I'm sorry.
13:44Look, my home is here, you know, and I've accomplished so much.
13:50I'm my own man with my own job.
13:51You know, I just got cable TV.
13:53And right now, I'm really starting to benefit from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
14:00I love my life.
14:01Please don't make waves.
14:04All right, Missy.
14:05You handle it any way you want to.
14:07You want to pay the ticket.
14:08When the court date comes, you go down, you plead guilty, and you pay the ticket.
14:12Plead guilty?
14:13I have to admit my guilt?
14:15Well, yeah, but this is America, you know.
14:17You could have a couple of DUIs and still end up President of the United States.
14:20Come on, man.
14:24You're my friend.
14:25Yeah?
14:26You're family.
14:27Family?
14:28Yeah.
14:30Oh, don't do that.
14:32I'm so touched.
14:35Uh-uh, you first cousin.
14:36Watch it.
14:43Hello?
14:45Yes, my name is Courtney Ray, and I lost $40 in one of your...
14:48Courtney Ray.
14:50Yes, I used to work at Enron.
14:52Spare me the jokes.
14:54Bob?
14:56Bob Wilkins?
14:57You're answering phones at the bank?
15:01Oh, don't cry, Bob.
15:04Hey, you have a beautiful family.
15:08Oh, she left you?
15:10I'm so sorry.
15:13Well, at least you're still their daddy.
15:16Really?
15:17Well, that must have come as a surprise.
15:22Bob...
15:22Bob, I have something important I need to take care of.
15:27I'll call back later.
15:31May I treat you to dinner and a movie?
15:34Better yet, how about some room service and pay-per-view?
15:37Or we can go upstairs and fool around.
15:40Baby, that's what I'm saying.
15:41Oh, excellent.
15:44Then we're on the same page.
15:46Yeah, baby, we're right here.
15:48Yes, no!
15:48Oh!
15:55Okay.
15:56I'm gonna go over this one more time.
15:59Only plead not guilty if you didn't do it.
16:02Okay?
16:03Next up,
16:05Naysom Ketna Jahani.
16:07Excuse me.
16:09It's nothing.
16:11I've got to tell him.
16:12Yes, sir, uh, that's me.
16:14And I am very, very incredibly guilty, sir.
16:18And I'm here to pay.
16:19All right, slow down.
16:20I've got to read this first.
16:21All right, it says here that your crime is expectorating on a public thoroughfare?
16:26Yes, sir, I'm here expectorating to pay.
16:28I have, uh, American currency right here.
16:30So you spit on the sidewalk?
16:32Well, yes, but, well, not really.
16:35Well, either you did or you didn't.
16:39Well, I...
16:41God bless America!
16:45Your Honor, Your Honor,
16:47I put a hot pepper in his mouth and he spit it out.
16:50Who are you?
16:51I'm his friend.
16:52And you put a hot pepper in his mouth?
16:54Well, yeah.
16:55There's some friend you got.
16:57All right, well, this wasn't your fault.
16:58I'm gonna dismiss this one.
17:00You will?
17:00Yes.
17:01See what I told you?
17:02See what I told you?
17:02America!
17:03Sir, you're amazing.
17:04Okay, fine, fine, fine.
17:06I understand.
17:07No, I just want to say thank you, sir.
17:09And, uh, you know, America is a fantastic country.
17:13You know, in some countries, the only thing you can say to a judge is,
17:16please, not in the face!
17:21Have, uh, another ticket.
17:23Look at that.
17:23You got another ticket?
17:24Why you didn't tell me?
17:25The way you handled the first one, what was I to do?
17:27Sit down, stop.
17:29Obstructing pedestrian treft.
17:31I can explain that, sir.
17:32I came out the subway to tie my shoe because I did not want my laces to smell of urine.
17:38Was your friend involved in this one, too?
17:40Not to my knowledge, Your Honor.
17:44All right.
17:45Well, you caught me on a good day, so I'm gonna dismiss this one, too.
17:50Yes, that's two for two!
17:51Let's see.
17:51La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
17:55You know, Your Honor, since you're being so friendly and everything,
17:59I would like to tell you about a ticket that I got for smoking.
18:03Uh, uh, uh, guilty.
18:06What, you're guilty?
18:07No, I don't want to hear it.
18:08Just pay your fine.
18:09Who's next here?
18:10Wait a minute, wait a minute.
18:11I was not smoking.
18:13I went inside and lit up, and I came outside.
18:16Ma'am, you are not on the docket, and what's more, you are on my last nerve.
18:21Oh.
18:23Oh, okay.
18:25I'm so sorry.
18:27Like, I get this.
18:28I totally get this.
18:29You are just prejudiced.
18:30No, no, no, don't play the race card in my courtroom.
18:33What race card?
18:34I'm talking about prejudice against smokers, fool.
18:38Yeah, I hate smokers.
18:40It is a filthy, disgusting habit that should be outlawed everywhere.
18:44If I could, lady, I'd throw the book at you.
18:47Let me tell you something, Your Honor.
18:49People have little habits, but you try to criminalize them.
18:53I mean, really, what's next?
18:54What's next in this country?
18:56People who pick their nose in the car?
18:58Ticket.
18:59People who scratch their behind while they're walking down the street?
19:01Ticket.
19:04A bad comb-over?
19:05Double ticket.
19:06Well, that is a crime.
19:13But you, you got my point, right?
19:15Hey, we are done here.
19:17No, we're not done.
19:17You understand what I'm talking about?
19:18Another word out of you, you're going to be in a lot of trouble.
19:19No, I'm not going to be in big trouble.
19:21You're going to be in big trouble.
19:22Hey, look.
19:22Let me tell you something.
19:23Uh-uh, don't tell you.
19:24Where's Justin Jackson?
19:25Somebody call Al Chavez.
19:26Mavis, contempt of court?
19:35Okay, contempt is a rather harsh word.
19:38Bad attitude, maybe.
19:41You know, but you cannot be trying to cut a sister off when she's trying to make a point.
19:45It's just rude.
19:45Well, I hope it was worth $800.
19:50$800?
19:53Girl, that's a full head weave with some good Korean hair.
20:01Oh, but you see, I am very proud of her.
20:03Important thing is that she spoke out.
20:06Other people have a good sense to keep quiet, but not our Mavis.
20:12Thank you, Nassim.
20:13I guess you'll think twice before lighting up another cigarette in the hotel.
20:17Oh, yeah, I'm off cigarettes, you know.
20:19I think you have to expand your horizons, try something new.
20:23I'm all for that.
20:28You want a hit?
20:31You know, if I wanted to smoke a deal, I could have sugar.
20:35Sugar!
20:37My cuz got nabbed for chilling on some sex.
20:39Oh, shit.
20:43You think you've been a damn ticket?
20:46Look at this!
20:50Take your ass back outside!
20:53Hoop-whoop-whoop...
20:56Mmm, whoopahe...
20:58Come around.
21:00Let's do it now.
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