- 4 months ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Oh
00:30Oh
00:42Welcome
00:44Welcome to
00:47Welcome to knowing me knowing you with me alan partridge. It's a chat show jim, but not as we know it
00:53Well, well, it's official this show is a smash hit sensation a corking copper-bottomed hit
01:03Those aren't my words. They are the words of Mike Taylor from TV quick
01:08Of course there have been one or two dissenting voices the clever clog papers independent telegraph guardian observer mail on sunday
01:15They've been a bit sniffy one review in particular caught my eye philip parsons in the times called this show moribund
01:23Well, I looked up moribund in my dictionary and it said moribund
01:28Adjective meaning about to die or dying. I ask you is this show about to die?
01:35Thank you. So mr. Philip parsons from behind the times
01:40That proves that you are wrong
01:44The show is very much alive and live
01:48Because tonight I will be bringing you another tv chat show first as I alan partridge will allow myself to be strapped to a spinning wheel of death
01:58and
01:58Have knives thrown at me
02:00Is that moribund?
02:02No, no, no, no, you don't shout that
02:04So
02:05So please welcome my un moribund merry band my house band glen ponder and debonair
02:13Knowing me alan partridge knowing you debonair
02:25Uh-huh
02:26Uh-huh
02:28Glenn I understand you're looking for a new house at the moment
02:30Yeah, that's right alan
02:32I bought a house this week in mayfair for 500 pounds
02:35Really alan?
02:36Yes, I was playing monopoly
02:37But uh seriously glen you are you are looking for somewhere aren't you?
02:45Yeah
02:45Whereabouts are you looking?
02:47Chiswick area
02:48Yeah, Chiswick, nice
02:49Nice
02:50Glenn ponder and debonair
02:52Yeah
03:05Was that chap moribund? I don't think so
03:08So now my first guest is intelligent witty a woman of the world with a figure that would stop the traffic dead both ways on the m1
03:18If she were to wiggle across the footbridge at toddings in service station
03:22She's a quality guest from top to bottom and back up again
03:27Please welcome the new agony aunt from playboy magazine stay tuned the very lovely daniella forrest
03:48Oh
03:50Isn't she isn't isn't she lovely oh, yes
03:56Isn't she lovely?
03:59Um um
04:00Um i've only forgot knowing me alan partridge knowing you daniella forrest ah-ha
04:04Ah-ha
04:05Oh
04:08Well, that's the sexiest ah-ha i think i've ever had
04:10Um oh i just forgot um well i normally kiss my guests when they first come on it's just a thing i do
04:16Um um and not the men i give them a firm handshake but uh
04:20Can we do that just do the kiss quickly oh sure
04:24Where do you want to kiss me alan peachy cheek or little round mouth
04:28Little round mouth
04:31Come on then you gotta kneel down yes right down
04:42Yes
04:43Um right
04:47Um now daniella forrest you are playboy's agony aunt and you've also just published your autobiography luck be a lady there it is
04:57That's the book there we go it's uh your autobiography is published by jones never heard of them
05:04What what comes across very strongly is your understanding of male psychology
05:10Well i think i understand men because i adore them
05:13Yeah
05:16And what as a woman do you look for in a man
05:21Power is attractive
05:23Sensitivity
05:27Sense of humor
05:28I like a man who knows who he is i'm alan partridge
05:37You know i think the most important thing that i look for in a man is a fit young body like a greek god
05:44Right
05:48Now you also uh help people with their sexual problems
05:52Let me give you a hypothetical problem
05:55Um
05:57There's there's a couple
05:59Right they've been married 15 16 years maybe more
06:01And they've never slept neither of them have ever slept with anyone else
06:07Well she she has she's she's on one occasion she um it was she said it was a mistake
06:13She's a pe teacher at the local primary school
06:16Let's say he on the other hand has has been faithful
06:19Solid as a rock right he's been tempted believe me he's had offers
06:23But but he he's never strayed
06:27And he's frustrated yes deeply deeply but that's that's only part of the problem the real problem is that their their sex life is
06:35Well for want of a better word moribund
06:40People need to explore their sex lives if they're not working you know it's not working in the bedroom bring it into the living room or the kitchen
06:48Yeah well well they tried that but the dog just wanted it it's very awkward
06:53You see some people they find it very sexy to be watched
06:57Not by the dog i mean
07:01Montgomery was frightened he was just barking
07:08Who's montgomery
07:14The man who masterminded the battle of el alame
07:19Um and and the name of this hypothetical dog
07:22Have you got a dog alan yes and what's his name
07:28Rommel
07:31Well perhaps you should get rommel involved in your sex life no no he's too old he's blind in one eye can't control his bladder
07:38No
07:39You're taking me too literally
07:41Once again here is a man shying away from discussing sex when i was a man i used to have the same problem
07:47But as a woman i find that i am never wait
07:51Well i'm very pleased for you now hang on a minute
07:57Who was a man when i was a man
07:59What are you talking about
08:02Will you have read my book yeah yes no no i never read the books
08:06Who was a man who did you think daniel was in the photographs i thought that was your twin brother
08:13i was daniel i used to be a man
08:22i can't believe you didn't know i kissed you
08:24Why did you invite me on your show i thought you were sexy i don't know you're a bloke i've a good one to knock your block off
08:34I have breasts oh god you should be in a circus
08:37Well you'd be in the front row yeah there he goes there he goes i should say
08:44what do you want no no no no no no oh
08:52on your way i knew there's something dodgy about you your hands are a giveaway
08:57you've got great big flapping hands like a bloke you could be a goal keeper
09:02Glenn, did you know it was a man?
09:06Yeah.
09:09Debonair, did you know it was a man?
09:11Yeah.
09:12Yeah, everyone knew apart from old Muggins Partridge.
09:16Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Forrest.
09:17Dan the man, Forrest.
09:19It's time now for a new regular feature of the series
09:34called Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Another Alan Partridge,
09:39in which I meet an ordinary member of the public who shares my name
09:42and is therefore entitled to membership of that exclusive club,
09:46Club Alan Partridge.
09:47This week's other Alan Partridge works on a Sea-Link ferry.
09:52So, please welcome petty officer Alan Partridge.
10:07Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, petty officer Partridge.
10:12Aha.
10:12Aha.
10:13Now, Alan, you work on the Sea-Link ferry from Liverpool to Dublin.
10:17And I imagine that that's the kind of job where there's an awful lot of camaraderie
10:22between the, uh, between, between the...
10:25Is that, is, is that the case?
10:29What do you, what do you keep doing that with your face for?
10:32Oh, it's a, it's a tick.
10:33I've got a facial tick.
10:34I'm sorry.
10:35I had absolutely no idea.
10:37No, it's all right.
10:37Sorry.
10:38I've had it since I was a kid.
10:39Yeah.
10:39Right, okay.
10:40Um, fine.
10:41Um, now, Alan, Alan Partridge.
10:43I imagine your workmates, uh, tease you and Josh with you.
10:45Is that the case?
10:46Yeah, yeah.
10:46They call me Tick-Tock.
10:47Why is that?
10:48Uh, because of me tick.
10:49No, God, no, no.
10:50No, I mean, I mean, do they tease you because your name's Alan Partridge?
10:53Oh, no, no.
10:54Right, I don't, I don't want to dwell on the tick.
10:55Doesn't bother me.
10:55What you choose to do with your face is, is, is your choice.
10:58Um, it's fine.
10:59I like it.
10:59It suits you.
11:00It's good.
11:00There it is again.
11:01Um, it's all right.
11:02Okay, um, well, I'm going to present you with this now.
11:05It's the Alan Partridge tie and, oh, that was a big one.
11:08Um, yeah, Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack.
11:14There, there we go.
11:15You, you take that, then.
11:16Yeah, all right.
11:17Uh, right.
11:17Hey, I'll put the tie on if I can keep me head still, eh?
11:20What a marvellous sense of humour.
11:26What a, what a, what a, what a triumph for the human spirit.
11:29Uh, uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge.
11:34Marvellous.
11:35Yeah, go on, go.
11:35Go.
11:36All right, go.
11:37All right.
11:38All right.
11:39Yeah.
11:40Yeah.
11:41Well, uh, go, go.
11:44Go, go.
11:45Last night, I met a man who quite literally changed my life.
11:52He made me think, laugh and cry in wonderment.
11:55I, along with many others, witnessed his mystical powers last night at the London Palladium.
12:00Please welcome magician-hypnotist, Tony LeMesma.
12:07Ladies and gentlemen, enter the mysterious tunnel of Tony LeMesma.
12:15Behold the cage of Katmandu, the void of solitude, the dance of Diabolos, the shroud,
12:44the forces turn upon their axes.
12:56The summoning of the spirits of Talamachus.
12:58Marvellous, marvellous.
13:00Tony, how did you do that?
13:10Simple, Alan.
13:11The power of the paranormal.
13:12Right.
13:13It's not a lever or anything.
13:14No.
13:15Well, you tell us more about that now.
13:21Um, Tina, I'll see you later for the Wheel of Death.
13:35Um, off you go.
13:36Very nice.
13:37Now, that is a woman.
13:40Right.
13:41OK.
13:42Tony?
13:43Tony LeMesma!
13:44Uh-huh.
13:45Uh-huh.
13:46Uh-huh.
13:47Buddha.
13:48The Dalai Lama.
13:49Nostradamus.
13:50That man the Beatles went to see.
14:03Yuri Geller.
14:06Yuri Geller.
14:07And now, Tony LeMesma.
14:10What is it about you lot that sets you apart from mere mortal men like me, Alan Partridge?
14:17We are all shaman on a spiritual quest, and we travel on this journey using the energy of the life force.
14:24Right.
14:25Now, this life force can take many forms, presumably, be it transcendental meditation, bending spoons, or producing a lady in a cage.
14:37That's exactly right, Alan.
14:39What we all do, we are all channelers.
14:41We channel energy from within to without.
14:44Right.
14:45I'm going to try and pin you down here.
14:47Can you be more specific?
14:49I am a man who harnesses the harmony that is within us all.
14:53Now, that's more vague.
14:56I want you to be more specific.
14:59Let me put it like this, Alan.
15:01We have within us a consciousness which is only partially realised.
15:05I want us to realise it fully to exploit all the hidden recesses that are within us.
15:10Right.
15:11Now, I think I know...
15:13You're saying that I, Alan Partridge, were to harness the harmony or spirits within me, and therefore, and then the beings around me, and somehow channel that energy up some sort of tubular conduit of consciousness into a cloud of...
15:34I'm sorry, I've absolutely no idea what I'm talking about.
15:37I'm completely lost.
15:39Now, last night at the London Palladium, you did a fantastic show.
15:43The highlight for me was when you hypnotised 20 people and got them to simulate sex to hi-ho silver lining.
15:49It was fantastic.
15:50It was great.
15:51It was an example of how it gets people to realise their inner potential, Alan.
15:54There was a marvellous bit where you had two men in their underpants, barking like dogs.
15:58It's their subconscious desire that is coming to the fore.
16:01That's why I'm interested in the whole world of dreams.
16:04Right.
16:05Now you're being interesting.
16:07Because I often have a recurring dream in which I am an owl.
16:14When you are an owl, how do you feel different?
16:17Smaller.
16:19More agile.
16:21Able to fly.
16:22Able to fly.
16:23Well, perhaps that means you want more freedom.
16:25And what else can you do as an owl?
16:27Now, I can rotate my head 360 degrees.
16:31Which, you know, is a real boon when you're driving, because it eliminates the blind spot.
16:35OK.
16:36OK.
16:37Anything else you can do as an owl?
16:40Yes.
16:41I can emit pellets.
16:43I can't help you there.
16:46Sorry, Alan.
16:47No?
16:48Oh, well.
16:49If anyone can shed some light on that, why I, Alan Partridge, might want to emit pellets
16:54as an owl, drop us a line to the usual address, and don't forget to mark your envelope with
16:59the word pellets.
17:04We're going to have a bit of fun now, because, Tony, you are going to hypnotise me.
17:09That's right, Alan, yes.
17:10OK, well, this may take, um, may take a few minutes, so don't worry if it takes some
17:16time.
17:17Five, four, three, two, one.
17:20Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge is now totally hypnotised, totally in my control.
17:25Is that not so, Alan?
17:26Yes.
17:27Let's just put that to the test, shall we?
17:29Alan, when I say the word owl, I want you to be that owl you mentioned a moment ago, emitting
17:34a pellet and feeling very happy with yourself.
17:37Owl.
17:38Ooh.
17:39Ooh.
17:40Excellent.
17:41Now, now, whenever you hear the word, aha, I want you to be a little scary monster.
17:56Aha.
17:57Urgh.
18:00Very good.
18:01Stop.
18:02Now, Alan, if you could make love to any woman in the world, apart from your good lady wife,
18:06who would that be?
18:07Ursula Andress.
18:09Ursula Andress.
18:10OK, when I click my fingers, I want you to see me as Ursula Andress.
18:14Ursula, I've always wanted to meet you.
18:17I can't believe it's you.
18:18I like the bikini.
18:19Very nice.
18:20I love all your films.
18:22I've got all of them, from Doctor No, right through to all the others.
18:26Enough of this, Alan.
18:27Is there somewhere we can go where we can make mad, passionate love?
18:31Oh, God.
18:32Erm.
18:33Er, yes.
18:34The Mote House Hotel in High Wycombe.
18:35Erm.
18:36Erm.
18:37They, they, they know me there.
18:39They're very discreet.
18:40Erm.
18:41You'll love it.
18:42It's got a 24-hour carvery.
18:43Stop.
18:44Alan, when I click my fingers again, we will be in your car on the way to High Wycombe.
18:50It'll take about 15, 20 minutes.
18:52That's all.
18:53Can we just pull over now and make love in a lay-by?
18:55Please, Alan.
18:56I can't stop on the motorway.
18:57That's the hard shoulder.
18:58It's illegal.
18:59No, but Alan, I'm, I'm begging you.
19:00Please.
19:01Ursula, it's an offence to stop on the hard shoulder.
19:04Unless there's a malfunction with the car.
19:07Look.
19:08Alan, I'm taking my top off.
19:09Please.
19:10Look.
19:11If I get caught in flagrante whilst violating the highway code, my wife will find out.
19:17I'll get three points on my licence.
19:19My insurance premium could go up by 30%.
19:21That's not gonna happen.
19:22Now, put your top on and get out.
19:24Now, go.
19:25Go.
19:26Get out.
19:27Wake up.
19:28Well, as I say, it'll take a few seconds before I'm totally, totally hypnotised.
19:32It's all over, Alan.
19:33You've hypnotised?
19:34Yes.
19:35All, all finished.
19:36Well, I hope you didn't make me look too foolish.
19:38Of course I didn't, Alan.
19:41Well, um, Tony, we'll see you later for The Wheel of Death.
19:44Um, it simply remains for me to say thank you very much, Tony Le Mesmer.
19:48APPLAUSE
19:54Now, Hollywood is much, much more than nine big letters on a hill.
19:59It's...
20:01It's a sexy, dangerous place.
20:04A hustling, wheeling, dealing kind of town where money talks and nonsense walks.
20:09I've never been there, but my next guests have.
20:12Because they are a British married couple of actors who live and work in Tinseltown stateside.
20:18I want to get to know them.
20:20I do.
20:21I do.
20:22I do.
20:23I do.
20:24I do.
20:25I do.
20:26Please welcome Gary Barker and Tanya Beaumont.
20:28APPLAUSE
20:29I do.
20:30I do.
20:31I do.
20:32I do.
20:33I do.
20:34I do.
20:35I do.
20:36I do.
20:37I do.
20:38I do.
20:39I do.
20:40I do.
20:41I do.
20:42I do.
20:43I do.
20:44I do.
20:45Ah.
20:46Knowing me, Alan Partridge.
20:48Knowing you, Tanya Beaumont.
20:49Uh-huh.
20:50Uh-huh.
20:51Uh-huh.
20:52Uh-huh.
20:53Uh-huh.
20:54Uh-huh.
20:55Uh-huh.
20:56Uh-huh.
20:57Knowing me, Alan Partridge.
20:58Knowing you, Gary Barker.
20:59Uh-huh.
21:00Uh-huh.
21:01Uh-huh.
21:02Uh-huh.
21:03Uh-huh.
21:04Uh-huh.
21:05Uh-huh.
21:06Now, unusually, you requested to come onto my show.
21:11Um, and fortunately, the scheduled guest, Ian McShane, TV's Lovejoy,
21:16had to pull out at the last minute due to an emergency.
21:18He's had to fly to Spain to do a coffee advert.
21:21Now, you've asked to come on to make a public statement.
21:25This is your platform.
21:27Please be my guest.
21:29Well, um, as you know, Alan, there's been a lot of speculation in the press
21:33about the state of our marriage.
21:34Well, I know.
21:35I mean, I've had that kind of bad treatment in the press myself.
21:37Do you know Philip Parsons on The Times?
21:39He described the show as moribund, you know?
21:42I mean, and Philip Parsons, if you're watching, in five minutes' time,
21:45I will be strapped to a wheel of death
21:48and you will have a plate with some words on it
21:52and a knife and fork.
21:58Sorry, Tanya.
22:00Well, we just wanted really to...
22:02But what I'm trying to say is you're going to eat your words.
22:04Sorry. Sorry, Tanya.
22:06We really just want to say to the tabloid press,
22:09look, you know, we're very much married.
22:11Um, there's a lot of real news out there.
22:14There's poverty, there's homelessness.
22:16Please, you know, report that.
22:18Leave us alone.
22:19We're just ordinary people who happen to make movies.
22:22Lovely. Lovely.
22:23Um...
22:25Gary, do you want to add anything?
22:27No. Well, yeah.
22:29Are you all right?
22:34I'm just wondering about the glasses.
22:36You're not going to stye or anything?
22:42No.
22:44Um, Tanya.
22:46Now, sorry, is he wearing those to look cool?
22:48Yes, he is.
22:49Gary, like the glasses. Very cool.
22:51Where did you get them?
22:52Auction.
22:53They were James Dean's shades.
22:55He died in them.
22:57Really?
22:58They look quite small.
22:59No wonder he lost control of the car.
23:08Now, you've both just flown in from Hollywood.
23:11Um, what's it like to be back in good old London?
23:14Oh, it's such a relief to be back here amongst ordinary people,
23:17you know.
23:18Where are you staying?
23:19The Savoy.
23:21Who's paying?
23:22You are.
23:23Really?
23:24We...
23:25Is that true?
23:26We paying?
23:27Yes.
23:28Yes, we are.
23:29Well, enjoy yourselves.
23:31Just easy on the room service.
23:33Chicken in a basket, that's your lot.
23:36Plus...
23:37No.
23:38Seriously, have a drink.
23:39Have a drink.
23:40Just don't go mad.
23:41That's all.
23:43Some people, they empty the minibar into a carrier bag.
23:45That's not on it.
23:47I'll tell you something.
23:48We had Roger Moore on the show the other week,
23:49and between you and me,
23:51if it wasn't nailed to the floor,
23:52it was going back to Switzerland.
23:55He even took a towel.
23:58Roger Moore is a towel thief.
24:01He's my godfather.
24:02Really?
24:03It's a lovely man.
24:04Lovely man.
24:06Um, Gary.
24:07Now, but he is a towel thief.
24:10Gary.
24:11You are known as the wild man of Hollywood.
24:16Some of the wild things you've done.
24:17I've got some here.
24:18Now, Gary, believe it or not,
24:19he sawed the head off Warren Beatty's Oscar.
24:23He drove a Harley Davidson motorcycle
24:25into Bruce Willis' patio doors.
24:28What else have you done?
24:30Punched Jessica Tandy.
24:31Yeah, that was nasty.
24:32That was nasty.
24:33That was nasty.
24:36Yeah.
24:37Now, it says,
24:38you also threw Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle at a cat.
24:42No, no.
24:43Other way round.
24:46You threw a cat at Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle?
24:48No, no.
24:49I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
24:52That's what I said.
24:53No, you said,
24:54I threw Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle at a cat.
24:58I didn't.
24:59I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
25:07It wasn't Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle.
25:09Right.
25:10It was Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
25:13So whose copper kettle was it?
25:16Jessica Tandy's.
25:19Was this before or after you punched her?
25:21About the same time.
25:23The incidents were related.
25:25Oh, dear.
25:26Um, Tanya, has he ever thrown a copper kettle at you?
25:30No, no.
25:31It's one of the few things he's never thrown at me.
25:33Really?
25:34Joke.
25:35Right.
25:37Tanya's breasts.
25:38Now, sorry, that's just my notes.
25:41Um, sorry.
25:43Now, you're one of those great actresses
25:47who, if the role demands it,
25:49you're quite prepared to expose yourself.
25:53Well, I'm glad you value my acting so highly.
25:56I do.
25:57Your name attached to a film is a seal of quality.
25:59It's a guarantee that says,
26:01come along, see the film, lads.
26:03You won't go home empty-handed, so to speak.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:10I really think that my films are more than just titillation.
26:17I can only suggest that, uh,
26:18if you wish to go and see Tanya's unexpurgated adult breast show,
26:22that, uh, that you pop down to the local cinema,
26:26or, um, or marry her.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:30That's no guarantee.
26:39Grow up.
26:40I am grown up.
26:41Well, act it.
26:42You're an actor, I believe.
26:44Good point, actually, Tanya.
26:46Um, Gary, we were going to show a clip from one of your films,
26:48but the last film you did was an action film three years ago
26:52that starred Bill Seger,
26:55and I've never heard of him.
26:58Well, I've never heard of you.
27:00I'm Alan Partridge.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:04Let's talk about what you did before you went into acting,
27:05that's easier.
27:07Um, Gary, Tanya tipped us off about this.
27:10I believe you used to be a
27:13Mobile Office Equipment Maintenance Engineer.
27:16Yeah, briefly.
27:18Well, three years.
27:20Got a sack.
27:22No, you're lying.
27:23You were awarded Mobile Office Equipment Maintenance Engineer of the Month.
27:25Well done.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:28Now, I've actually got a broken photocopier at my office in Norwich.
27:32Do you think you can fix that?
27:34Do you think I'm going to go to Norwich to mend your photocopier?
27:37There's no need, because Muhammad...
27:40LAUGHTER
27:41Muhammad has...
27:42Muhammad has moved the mountain to you.
27:46It's not literally a mountain, it's a photocopier.
27:49Although, coincidentally, it was driven here in a white bed for an Astromax by a man called Muhammad.
27:54Let's run and please bring on the broken photocopier.
27:58APPLAUSE
28:06Gary, Gary, we've got the photocopier.
28:08Will you rise to Alan's challenge and mend it?
28:12No.
28:14Do you want him to mend the photocopier?
28:16Yeah!
28:18Come on, mend it. I don't believe you can mend it.
28:20Of course I can mend it.
28:21I don't believe you.
28:22What model is it?
28:24Z...
28:25Z60.
28:27Mono or multi-feed?
28:28Mono-feed.
28:29Easy.
28:30Prove it.
28:31Yeah, it hasn't been reset after a paper jam. It's basic.
28:46Really?
28:47Yeah.
28:48That's interesting. You see this?
28:49Yeah?
28:50Where do you put your paper clips?
28:51Just normally just around on the table or whatever.
28:53Yeah, they get lost.
28:54Stick them there.
28:56What happened?
28:57How will they stay?
28:59Yeah.
29:00How will they stay?
29:01Yeah.
29:02Magnetic.
29:03That's interesting.
29:04Nice little feature.
29:05Worth knowing.
29:06Yes.
29:07Good machine, this.
29:08Here you go.
29:09Should have no trouble.
29:10I don't do that shit anymore.
29:12Oh, look, he's mended it!
29:13Whoa!
29:14What a do!
29:18Fabulous.
29:22Well, Gary.
29:23Gary, not to worry.
29:24I'm going to put the smile back on your face
29:26because I'm going to present you with an Alan Partridge
29:28High and Blazer Badge combination pack.
29:31There we go.
29:33There we go.
29:40Tanya, domestic tip.
29:42When you're stitching that on, it's got an adhesive behind it,
29:44so in actual fact, you can simply iron it on.
29:48Wonderful.
29:49And then do the stitching later if you want.
29:50Labour saving.
29:51It's labour saving.
29:52What are you doing?
29:53What are you doing?
29:54Oh!
29:55For God's sake!
29:56Just burst into flames.
29:57What are you doing that for?
29:58Spontaneous combustion.
29:59You've ruined it!
30:01Sorry.
30:04How much did those glasses cost?
30:05$15,000.
30:06You touch them, I'll break your legs.
30:08What are you doing?
30:09Get me...
30:12You stupid bitch.
30:13I'm stupid.
30:14I'm stupid.
30:15I'm stupid.
30:16You're sitting there with a spider on your head and I'm stupid.
30:17I mean, what a pathetic thing to do.
30:18Who's my James Dean?
30:19I don't give a shot.
30:20You're watching Knowing Me Know You with Alan Partridge.
30:24Live chat as it happens.
30:26A bit of money.
30:27That might be quite good.
30:28And then you can afford to buy a new pair.
30:29Yeah, you've got a problem.
30:30Shall I tell people what your problem is?
30:31No, don't.
30:32Shall I tell people what your problem is?
30:33Shall I tell them?
30:34Shall I tell them?
30:35Shall I tell them?
30:36Do you know what Gary's problem is?
30:38No, please tell me.
30:41Well, Gary's problem is that he's impotent.
30:43What?
30:44Gary's impotent.
30:46Is this true, Gary?
30:49I'll take that as a yes.
30:54Tonya, that explains why you sleep around.
30:59That explains why you're known as the bike of Beverly Hills.
31:02I think this is quite a serious matter.
31:07Let's change the tone and handle this in a rather more sensitive way.
31:10Let's level the lights.
31:14I think, really, it's time that we ended this farcical facade of a marriage,
31:21which I presume is unconsummated.
31:23Tonya?
31:24Yes.
31:26And Gary?
31:27Yeah, obviously.
31:29Yes, yes, of course, yes.
31:30The marriage has now been rent in twain.
31:34It has been put asunder.
31:35It is moribund.
31:37So, as regards to the Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack,
31:41which you destroyed, don't worry about that.
31:44We've got dozens of them.
31:45If you wish, I'll send another one by first post to you.
31:48Would you like that as a memento of this evening?
31:51Yeah.
31:52Yeah.
31:53That would be nice.
31:56Well, I think this has been a painful experience for all of us.
32:01It simply remains for me to say, knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tonya and Gary,
32:06Uh-huh.
32:07Urgh.
32:08LAUGHTER
32:09APPLAUSE
32:18Well...
32:19Well, the wheel...
32:20The wheel has turned full circle for Tonya and Gary,
32:22but the wheels that turn this crazy, often unpredictable vehicle,
32:26my, my vehicle, my show, they, they keep turning,
32:29which brings me neatly onto the final section of the show,
32:32which has to happen, nothing can stop that,
32:35as I rise to meet my own challenge.
32:39Alan Partridge on the wheel of death.
32:42LAUGHTER
32:43Will you please welcome back, with his wheel of death,
32:46Magic Man Tonya and Tina.
32:49APPLAUSE
32:59Ladies and gentlemen,
33:01every evening as part of my show at the Palladium,
33:03which runs until the end of this month,
33:06I get a member of the audience up onto the stage
33:09and I ask them to overcome their fears on the wheel of death.
33:13Tonight, Alan will be that person.
33:16How do you feel, Alan?
33:17Confident?
33:18I am risking my life for chat.
33:21Oh, by the way, Philip Parsons, if you're watching,
33:24get a knife and fork and a plate,
33:26put your words on that plate,
33:28add a bit of humble pie and eat it.
33:32Commence spinning the wheel of death.
33:36As the wheel of death commences its inexorable spin,
33:40Tony Le Mesmer prepares to unleash
33:43the deadly daggers of Damazon.
33:45Er, I've changed my mind.
33:48Sorry, I've changed my mind.
33:49Drumroll!
33:50Please.
33:52We'll do it next week, there isn't time,
33:53we'll do it next week!
33:54Go on!
33:56Please!
33:57Please!
33:58This is madness!
34:00Don't, you stupid man!
34:02Please!
34:03God!
34:04No!
34:05Philip Parsons at the time, you're right,
34:06the show is moribund!
34:08No!
34:09Please!
34:12I've got it!
34:13I've got it!
34:15I've got it!
34:16On that bombshell,
34:18it's time for me to say,
34:19knowing me Alan Partridge,
34:21knowing you, freak woman man,
34:23knowing you, the slut actress and Mr. Floppy the actor,
34:27and knowing you, Mr. Looney Man with the knives,
34:30goodnight and ah-ha!
34:32Ergh!
34:33APPLAUSE
34:38Please!
34:39Get me off now,
34:40please!
34:42Please, please,
34:43can someone get me off the wheel now?
34:46I've done it!
34:50Can we get off?
34:51Can we get off?
34:53Naomi, Naomi!
34:55Get me off!
34:56Naomi there!
34:57Get me off!
34:58Get me off!
34:59Get me off!
35:00It's over now!
35:01Naomi, Naomi!
35:02Naomi, Naomi!
35:03The clothes are wet!
35:04The clothes are wet!
Be the first to comment