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00:00MUSIC
00:05MUSIC
00:10Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
00:12There is nothing we can do
00:14Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
00:18We just have to fade it this time
00:21We'll prove
00:23Knowing me, knowing you
00:26A-ha!
00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:38MUSIC PLAYS
00:47Welcome.
00:49Welcome.
00:52Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge,
00:55or The Alan Partridge Show, as most people like to call it.
00:58It's easier, that's what I call it.
01:01I've got to tell you, there's so much packed into tonight's show
01:04that at the end of it, I'm quite sure I'm going to be shattered.
01:08Or should I say, shattered.
01:12You may remember that at the end of last week's show,
01:15I sacked my house band and their leader, Glenn Ponder.
01:18That's TV. They had to go.
01:21So will you now please welcome my new resident house band,
01:24The Eagles!
01:26Or rather, no, don't.
01:28Don't welcome The Eagles, because Glenn has put a stop to that.
01:31This week he obtained a court injunction preventing his dismissal
01:34prior to an industrial tribunal to be held at the end of the series.
01:38So will you now please welcome not double platinum album
01:41selling rock stars, The Eagles,
01:43but Ipswich-based hotel lobby wine bar band,
01:47Glenn Ponder and Lazarus!
01:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:53Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder.
01:58Aha!
01:59Aha!
02:00Knowing me, Alan Partridge.
02:01Knowing you, Lazarus. Aha!
02:03Glenn, if this show was a motor car, what kind of motor car would it be?
02:08I've no idea.
02:10Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.
02:13BUMP!
02:16Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.
02:17APPLAUSE
02:37See you in court.
02:38My first guest was born within the sound of Bow Bells.
02:46He is a cockney man.
02:4930 years ago, he crawled out of the maggot-ridden cesspit
02:52that is the east end of London
02:55to become Britain's most colourful boxing and entertainment promoter.
02:59He spends all day on the dog and bone phone.
03:02He's about to come down these apples and pears stairs.
03:06I'm sure we're going to have a great bowler hat chat.
03:10So, please welcome a very special antique Edwardian tea chest guest.
03:14That last one was mine.
03:17Two years ago, two years ago,
03:19he was cleared of garrotting a nightclub owner in Leicester Square.
03:22Please welcome Terry Norton.
03:24Terry Norton.
03:27So I want to know
03:30What the name of the day
03:34So just keep it as you feel
03:37To hear you
03:41What the name of the day
03:46Ah.
03:48Nice, nice, nice whistle.
03:49Whistle and toot suit.
03:50Flute.
03:51Sorry?
03:52Whistle and flute suit.
03:53Whatever.
03:55Knowing me, Alan Partridge
03:56Knowing you, Terry Norton
03:57Aha.
03:58Aha.
03:59Now, Terry.
04:00Sport.
04:02You have managed
04:04Boxers.
04:05Wrestlers.
04:06Snookers.
04:07Snookers.
04:08Snookers.
04:09Snookers.
04:10Snookers players.
04:11Bowling.
04:12Crown green and ten pin.
04:13That didn't work.
04:15But...
04:16But you first made your name way back in the 70s
04:18with that fabulous champion boxer, Billy O'Rourke.
04:21Billy the Blitz O'Rourke.
04:22Billy the Blitz O'Rourke.
04:23Billy the Blitz.
04:24Why did they call him the Blitz?
04:25Because when he'd come at you, it was like a blitzkrieg.
04:27Say that again.
04:28What, was he German?
04:29No, he's London Irish, out of Kilburn.
04:33But he could take a punch, couldn't he?
04:36What?
04:37At the end of some of those fights, he looked like a blooming cauliflower.
04:40And the other geezer looked like mashed potatoes.
04:43Mashed potatoes.
04:47Billy the Blitz O'Rourke.
04:49Sadly, of course, no longer with us.
04:50Oh, Billy's still alive.
04:52Well, technically.
04:55Now, Terry, you come from a very humble background,
05:00but now you mix with the great and the good.
05:03You're a little cockney whelk sitting on a plate of oysters.
05:07Do you ever sort of think to yourself,
05:10how did I get here on top of this plate of oysters?
05:13Well, well, of course I do, Alan.
05:16I mean, it's a combination of determination, perseverance
05:19and a good head of business.
05:21Of course.
05:22And, if I may say so,
05:24we've a little bit,
05:26we've a little bit,
05:28we've a little bit of blooming luck.
05:32That's that?
05:35Yeah, well, you know, if you like, yeah, yeah.
05:37Now, you and me, we're the same.
05:39Now, we're two working-class boys.
05:41There's no powers, no education, no qualifications.
05:44But, through sheer determination,
05:47we have made it to the top of the tree.
05:49Well, I've got to pick up on a couple of points there.
05:52I did go to East Anglia Polytechnic
05:53and I've got a couple of pretty good A-levels.
05:55Yeah, well, you know what I mean.
05:56Yeah, I know, and very quickly,
05:58Mr. God's working-class.
06:00My parents did own their own home
06:02and we holidayed now and again in Spain,
06:04so I don't think that's quite right.
06:06But, I imagine,
06:08I imagine you know Spain quite well,
06:10with all your connections.
06:11Yeah, I've got a villa out there.
06:13It's cut into the cliff,
06:15overlooking the med, blinding.
06:16Lovely.
06:17Well, you would, wouldn't you?
06:18Just in case.
06:21Just in case what?
06:22You know, just in case you need to go on holiday.
06:24Quickly.
06:28I think you're leading me down a dark alley.
06:30The last place I'd like to be with you is down a dark alley.
06:36Why's that?
06:37Sorry?
06:39Why's that?
06:40I just wouldn't.
06:42Well, Terry, you've promoted boxing, snooker, bowling, crown green and tempin.
06:50That didn't work.
06:52But now you're launching a new promotion next month.
06:55Tell us about that.
06:57That's right, yes.
06:58I'm bringing back the beauty contest because times may change, fashion, whatever.
07:03But people will always want to look at lovely ladies.
07:06Now that is from the 20th century right back to the ancient Greeks.
07:10Aristotle Onassis.
07:11Exactly.
07:14I mean, whatever the women's livers may say,
07:16Jermaine Greer as the ransom.
07:18That lot, yeah.
07:19You can't change human nature.
07:21You can't, Terry.
07:22But I'll tell you something.
07:23I used to support the women's livers.
07:25Really?
07:26When they said, burn your bras.
07:32Yeah, well, I'm getting a bit of stick from you.
07:35A loony left, you know, but who cares?
07:38Absolutely.
07:39Listen, you cannot say anything these days, Terry.
07:41I'll tell you.
07:42A couple of months ago, I was commentating a football match with the Cameroons.
07:44Yeah.
07:45I made a harmless remark about a rain dance.
07:47Right.
07:48What happens?
07:49I get hauled over the coals.
07:51You know.
07:52Not literally.
07:53I imagine that's the kind of thing the Cameroons do.
07:56I'll probably get in trouble for that now, you know.
07:58Please, please, don't write in saying that's racist.
08:01It's not.
08:03It doesn't matter what they say because next month,
08:06live on Sky Television, it's Miss Great Britain.
08:08And there's nothing can spoil that feast.
08:11Oh, absolutely.
08:12And we're going to eat some of that feast later
08:16because Terry has very kindly cooked up a tray of Lady Volavance,
08:20if you will, which I will be eating or comparing later in tonight's show.
08:25What I mean is that tonight on this programme,
08:27I will be master of ceremonies for the final heat of,
08:30and it's my hometown, Miss Norwich.
08:32Yeah.
08:33Oh.
08:34Oh.
08:35Oh.
08:37Now Terry.
08:38Murderer!
08:39You killed my son!
08:40That was what the mother of the garrotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square said to you as you left court,
08:51having been cleared of the murder of her son, her only son, the garrotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square.
08:59Did those words hurt?
09:01Well, of course.
09:02Yes, I was in Leicester Square that night, but as was proved in court,
09:07I was hailing a cab at the time it happened.
09:10Absolutely.
09:11Well, we've now got a reconstruction of that night, using professional actors,
09:16some of whom have appeared in The Bill and Minder.
09:19Now, Terry, that night in Leicester Square, was it something like this?
09:28Oh!
09:30Taxi!
09:33Is that how it was?
09:35Well, yeah, more or less, yeah.
09:36Right, because at the time, there were some people who said it happened like this.
09:48Taxi!
09:51That's how it didn't happen.
09:53What's that?
09:54That was how it didn't happen.
09:56No, no.
09:57That is a couple of punters mincing about talking rubbish.
10:01Touch the nerve there. Intriguing.
10:04I could have gone down by this.
10:06It was dealt with by the law courts.
10:07The matter is finished.
10:08It's over.
10:09It's dead and buried.
10:12Rather like the garot...
10:13I don't muck about that.
10:15You're getting out of your depth, Fallon.
10:16People get out of their depth, they end up drowning.
10:18Calm down.
10:19It's just a chat show.
10:20Do you want to get involved?
10:21Do you want to get involved in this world?
10:23Nightclub owners in Leicester Square will get karate.
10:25I'm only in the boat.
10:26Because if you want to get involved, I'll get you involved, son.
10:28You want to get sucked in, I'll suck you in.
10:32I'll suck you in so far, you'll get blown out the other side.
10:35Why'd that soppy look like your gorgeous face?
10:39Do you want to get sucked in?
10:40I don't. I don't want to get sucked in.
10:43Well, then you tell these ladies and gentlemen what that was all about.
10:45There was a couple of punters mincing about talking rubbish.
10:47Thank you. Thank you.
10:57Now, are we going to have a beauty contest or what?
11:00Beauty contest, please.
11:03I'll see you later for that.
11:05Thank you for that nice chat.
11:07Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Norton, an innocent man.
11:10APPLAUSE
11:16It's time now for one of the hit bits of my show.
11:21Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, another Alan Partridge.
11:24In which I meet another man whose name is Alan Partridge.
11:28It really is that simple.
11:30Two weeks ago, I received a letter from an Alan Partridge in Preston, Lancashire,
11:35who asked to come onto the show.
11:36I booked him to appear tonight.
11:37One week ago, he died.
11:40Well, I immediately telephoned his family
11:42and told them that I would still honour the booking if they so desired.
11:46They kindly agreed, saying it is what Alan would have wanted.
11:49So, please welcome, with his widow and family, Alan Partridge.
11:53APPLAUSE
12:07Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, another Alan Partridge, rest in peace, uh-huh.
12:17Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Mary Partridge, uh-huh.
12:20Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
12:24Liam.
12:25Liam Partridge, son of Alan, uh-huh.
12:27Uh-huh.
12:28No, no, not you, just you.
12:30Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
12:31Tell us, what was he like?
12:33Well, he liked to drink.
12:35He didn't suffer fools, gladly.
12:37Oh, no, he got quite a temper on him.
12:39Right.
12:45But, um, he, he, he, he, um, he did, he did, um, he did like this show, didn't he?
12:51Oh, yes, it was his, what, second favourite television programme.
12:54Oh, yes.
12:55Right.
12:56Right.
12:57So, uh, so what, what, what was his first?
12:59Beer watch.
13:00Right.
13:01Right.
13:02About the beach people?
13:03Yeah.
13:04He liked the girls.
13:05Don't we all?
13:06Don't we all?
13:07Let's hope there are girls in heaven.
13:09Um, if...
13:13If that's where he's going.
13:15From what you say, it seems, it seems a little unclear.
13:19But, uh, who knows, perhaps, perhaps there are girls in purgatory, or, or, or hell.
13:24Um, but no one leaves this show empty-handed.
13:29So, I'm very, I don't know why I'm doing it in that voice.
13:31No one leaves this show empty-handed.
13:33So, I'm very pleased to present Alan this lovely headstone for Alan's grave.
13:41It's a granite marble mix in Normandy grey.
13:45And, uh, it's covered in jubosil, which means any, any graffiti from vandals can just be wiped clean.
13:52So, do you like it?
13:53It's lovely.
13:54He was actually born in 1931.
13:56Right, what, what have we got?
13:5732.
13:58Right.
13:59One year out, not bad.
14:02I mean, if, if it's a problem, we can, we can re-grind it.
14:04We'll take it away and get it re-ground.
14:06Yes, that'd be great.
14:07Right.
14:09Um, the, the problem is, I mean, we can do that.
14:11It's just, it'll take a couple of weeks, and, um, it's only one year out.
14:14He'd like the right date.
14:16He would like the right date.
14:17He would like the right date.
14:18Right.
14:19It, it got quite a temper.
14:21Well, he's hardly likely to display that now, isn't he?
14:24But if you, you know, if you want it re-ground, we'll get it done.
14:28It's, it's what he would have wanted.
14:29Well, we'll do it.
14:30It's not a problem.
14:33Right.
14:34Sorry.
14:35What?
14:36Sorry.
14:37Sorry.
14:38Right.
14:39Well, um, ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge, his son, Liam, and his lovely widow, Mary.
14:44Well, as we heard, Alan was quite fond of pretty ladies.
14:56So it seems entirely appropriate that, in his presence, we hold now the grand final of Miss Norwich.
15:01Mary, you've agreed with Liam and your Uncle Pete, there, to, uh, to stay a little bit longer and judge tonight's contest.
15:09Yes.
15:11So, take up your positions, please.
15:14Glenn, would, uh, would you like to judge Miss Norwich?
15:16Yeah, I'd love to.
15:18Well, you can't.
15:20Now, now, if you're watching this at home, in your Parker Knoll armchair, hit the recline button, sit back, relax, as we go girl crazy with a bit of harmless fun.
15:32That's all it is.
15:34Please, please welcome the finalists for Miss Norwich.
15:39The first contestant is Susan Atkinson.
15:43She's 20 years old.
15:45Her vital statistics are 34, 24, 33, so she's slightly bigger at the top.
15:52She's a shop assistant for Saxone Shoes, and she tells me the most popular shoes are plain black lace-ups with six eyes.
16:00Contestant number two is Donna Cookson.
16:03Donna.
16:05Donna.
16:08Donna is 20.
16:10Come on.
16:11Keep, keep it down.
16:13Donna used to, Donna used to dance in a nightclub, but it was closed down after a fire.
16:17Contestant number three is 21-year-old Lisa Thornton.
16:25Lisa.
16:27Lisa is a nanny for a professional couple whom she tells me make adverts and live in a converted barn.
16:32Sometimes she has the whole house to herself, and she likes to use the CD system to dance around the living room to pop music.
16:39She's the shortest of tonight's contestants.
16:41Contestant number four is Maria McNulty.
16:46Maria is an Irish Roman Catholic.
16:52She tells me that before each beauty contest, she says a quick prayer.
16:57She has a 36-inch bust.
17:00Ave Maria.
17:02Ave Maria.
17:06And our final contestant tonight is Siobhan Glukowski.
17:14Siobhan works in William Hill Bookmakers.
17:17So, what are her odds tonight?
17:19I'll tell you, they're 50 to one, she's a rank outsider.
17:23Siobhan also has a Polish grandmother who doesn't speak any English.
17:27And those are tonight's finalists.
17:29Well, we've looked at their bodies, now let's, let's look at their minds.
17:39Um, Susan Atkinson, you work at Saxone Shoes.
17:43Yes.
17:45And I imagine do you get a lot of competition from Dulceys?
17:47Mmm, yeah.
17:49Great, lovely.
17:52Um, Donna, Donna Cookson.
17:54Yeah.
17:58She's, uh, certainly, uh, seems to have a lot of fans out there.
18:02Have you enjoyed the competition?
18:03Yes, I am.
18:05And, uh, do you watch this show at all?
18:07No.
18:08No? That's alright, that's okay, that's fine.
18:10Lisa Thornton, do you have, uh, do you have any hobbies?
18:14Yes, I like swimming and dancing.
18:16Right, lovely.
18:17Very nice.
18:18I've always wanted to meet you.
18:20Really?
18:22I like your moustache.
18:24Really?
18:25Yeah.
18:26It, like, really suits your face.
18:28I keep it trimmed with, uh, nasal scissors.
18:33Makes you look like Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind.
18:36Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
18:39Of course I do, of course I give a damn.
18:44You're lovely.
18:46What, what, what, what's your ambition?
18:48Well, I'd like to work in television.
18:50Really?
18:51Yes.
18:52Great, great.
18:53Well, we, we should have a chat.
18:56After the show.
18:58What, you're, you're all staying at the Holiday Inn?
19:00Oh, well, the other girls are, but I'm staying here at home with my mum.
19:04Right, okay, right.
19:05Right.
19:08You could just go back to the hotel for a drink, you know, just a quick drink, and, you know, get your taxi home afterwards.
19:14I'll, I'll speak to your mum if you want.
19:15Okay.
19:16Right.
19:17Lovely.
19:18Yeah, we'll have a chat afterwards.
19:20Good luck.
19:21Thanks.
19:23Right, okay, uh, do you like animals?
19:24Yes.
19:25Do you?
19:26Yes.
19:27Right, okay.
19:29Right, um.
19:30Well, we've, uh, we've done them all.
19:35So, uh, while the judges make up their minds, I'm afraid you're just going to have to listen to Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.
19:42APPLAUSE
19:47Number three.
19:48Best personality.
19:49And I think that's, that's what matters.
19:50No.
19:51Yeah, number three?
19:52No.
19:53Yeah, all right, yeah.
19:54Number three, because it's, it's the best personality.
19:56Even, like, well, look, it's a majority decision.
19:58Say it's all three.
19:59Let's leave it at that.
20:00Right, well, shut up.
20:01Shut up.
20:02Shut up.
20:03Okay, right, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, thank you, Glenn.
20:05Well, we, we have a unanimous decision.
20:08The winner of this year's Miss Norwich Beauty Pageant is contestant number three, Lisa Thornton.
20:14Aha!
20:25Lisa, are you pleased?
20:26Oh, yes.
20:31I didn't think I'd win.
20:32Why not, for heaven's sake?
20:35Well, I thought number two would win.
20:36Well, you shouldn't think that.
20:38Well, I think this could be the start of a glittering career in television.
20:42I'll see you later with that chat.
20:43Who are you waving to?
20:45That's, that's my fiancée, Andy.
20:47Right.
20:48Hi, Andy.
20:50Miss Norwich, soon to be Mrs Norwich, so don't wave any more.
20:54Well, I said before that if this show was a car, it would be Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.
21:00So now, let's slip that car into another pig's ear gear, a more serious pig's ear gear, in a new regular feature of the series in which I tackle the big contemporary political issues of the day, in Partridge Over Britain.
21:18APPLAUSE
21:19Thank you, darling.
21:20APPLAUSE
21:21Next week, the voters of West Chalfont in Buckinghamshire go to the polls for a by-election caused by the death of the sitting Conservative MP, Sir Maurice Christopher, who tragically died last month after choking on scampi.
21:46So, let's meet the candidates. Firstly, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, sitting on my left, and I imagine to the left of the majority of the people in West Chalfont, the Labour Party candidate.
21:59She's a teacher, she's divorced, she is Charlotte Fraser. Aha.
22:04Aha.
22:05Knowing, knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the Liberal Democrat candidate.
22:09He's a practising lawyer, he sits on Chalfont Council's Education Committee, and he's black. Ronald Biggs. Aha. Aha.
22:18In the middle, me, Alan Partridge. Aha. And on my right, the Conservative Party candidate, Adrian Finch.
22:26Adrian and his wife, Rosemary, have been married for 14 years, and together they have three lovely children. Adrian, I believe you're also a big fan of steam engines.
22:35Yes, that's right, Alan, it's a full steam ahead for the by-election.
22:39Lovely, lovely sense of humour.
22:41Adrian Finch. The Partridge meets the Finch. Aha. Aha.
22:45Lovely.
22:47And the final candidate, who we have to have on, he's paid his deposit, that's democracy,
22:51is Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead the Third of the Bald Brummies against the Bigfooted Conspiracy Party. Aha.
23:00Boom, Brummies!
23:03Oh, come on.
23:04Please, there's a time and a place for fun and enjoyment, and it's not on this show.
23:09We're going to open it up to my studio audience.
23:13Throughout the questions, I will be remaining impartial at all times.
23:17I will remain Pontius Partridge.
23:19So, er...
23:21So, any questions for the panel, please?
23:23Yes, the woman with the high head.
23:27Yeah, I'd like to ask the panel, in view of the rising crime rate,
23:31would they consider the reintroduction of capital punishment?
23:35Fair point.
23:36Charlotte Fraser, Labour.
23:37We see these pictures of old women's faces in the paper.
23:40Surely the best way to deal with hooligans is to hang them by the neck
23:44until the spinal column is severed, thus starving the body of oxygen.
23:48Isn't that the best, most sensible way to deal with them?
23:51Absolutely not.
23:52No, hanging really is brutal and barbaric,
23:54and the hallmark of an uncivilised society.
23:56OK.
23:57What about lethal injection?
23:58Gas chamber, electric chair, you know, spoil for choice.
24:01That's not really the point, Alan.
24:03I mean, all the indications...
24:04Firing squad?
24:06The head slap?
24:07The head slap.
24:08Sorry.
24:09Don't, please...
24:10Please don't, er...
24:11Please don't do that, Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead the Third.
24:15There's no evidence to show that capital punishment would reduce the crime statistics.
24:20Well, well, it'd reduce it by one, wouldn't it?
24:24Adrian Finch, capital punishment.
24:27There's a gibbet.
24:28Will you pull the lever?
24:30Well, er...
24:32Whether I pull the lever or not is not the question.
24:35Yes, it is.
24:37The whole issue of capital punishment of hanging is one which must be addressed on a moral level by the public in general,
24:54before we can make any absolute moral decision.
24:58Good point.
25:00Very good point.
25:01Very...
25:02Very good point.
25:03You see, Charlotte Faze, it's not simply yes or no.
25:05Ronnie Biggs, it's not yes or no, is it?
25:07Well, yes it is.
25:08Good.
25:09No, I'm...
25:10I'm disagreeing with you.
25:11Fine.
25:12It is a yes or no question.
25:13Fine.
25:14No one really cares.
25:15I mean, yes, no, maybe, you know, it's not life or death.
25:18Well, yes it is.
25:20Yes, but it's boring.
25:21Right.
25:22Erm...
25:23OK.
25:24Well, the phone...
25:25The phone lines are open.
25:26We have a call.
25:27David Silk from Leeds.
25:29David, you there?
25:30Yes, I am.
25:31Are you wearing any silk?
25:32No, I'm naked.
25:35What's the question?
25:36Erm...
25:37Which of the candidates will have the bottle to tighten up the laws on immigration?
25:41Immigration.
25:42It's a political hot potato.
25:44Charlotte Rampling, catch.
25:48Fraser.
25:49Sorry, yes.
25:50Erm, yes, immigration is one of those questions that comes up time and time again at meetings like this.
25:55And you know, it's interesting because it always seems to be mostly when...
25:58Excuse me, excuse me, he's trying to speak.
26:02You're such a rude woman.
26:05Go on, go ahead.
26:06Yes, erm, what we must do, absolutely, is put in place a system of erm...
26:13Head slapping?
26:14No.
26:15A system of erm...
26:16Head slapping?
26:17No.
26:18A system of erm...
26:19Head slapping?
26:20I'm trying to answer the question.
26:21Do you mind?
26:22A system of erm...
26:23Head slapping?
26:24You're putting...
26:25You're putting me off.
26:26Please.
26:27I know.
26:28A system of...
26:29Head slapping?
26:30A system of...
26:31Head slapping?
26:32A system of...
26:33Head slapping?
26:34A system of...
26:35Head slapping?
26:36A system of...
26:37Head slapping?
26:38A system of...
26:39Head slapping?
26:40A system of...
26:41Head slapping?
26:42A system of...
26:43Head slapping?
26:44Ignore him!
26:45Ignore him!
26:46Um, the government, aren't they bringing out a white paper or something?
26:55Sorry?
26:56Aren't the government bringing out a white paper?
26:59Are they?
27:01Yes, they are.
27:03Right.
27:04Um, yes, yes, we're bringing out a white paper,
27:07which should end all, all discussion.
27:14You're going to have to do better than that.
27:16I'm trying to help you out here, mate.
27:18You're in danger of losing the safest Conservative seat in the country.
27:21Get a grip.
27:24Full steam ahead.
27:25You made that joke earlier and it wasn't funny then.
27:28He's run out of steam.
27:29You see, he's quick.
27:31Get on the ball.
27:33Um, Charlotte, don't tell me, don't tell me.
27:37No, it's gone.
27:39Fraser.
27:40Fraser, right.
27:40Do you want to talk about, I don't know, women or something?
27:42No, I'd like to carry on talking about immigration as I was before you interrupted me.
27:48Fine.
27:49Um, it's interesting, you know, that people very rarely mention the fact that the immigration
27:53laws in this country are actually some of the most stringent anywhere in the world.
27:57I'm sure, Ronald, you'd bear me out on that.
27:58In the fact that is the case, there are statistics showing that more people emigrate from the country
28:02than immigrate into it.
28:03Exactly.
28:04Oh, it's completely rare.
28:06I've never done five.
28:11Great.
28:11Six.
28:13No, sorry.
28:13All right, let's have another question.
28:15Um, from the studio.
28:17Yes, the woman, yes, the woman up there with this business.
28:20Yeah, yeah.
28:21Um, what would the panel do to create more cycle lanes in the shelter?
28:24Oh, that's a terrible question.
28:25Um, the gentleman with the spectacles, there.
28:29Yes, I'd like to ask a question.
28:31Hang on, hang on.
28:31Are you a slaphead?
28:32I'm sorry?
28:36Are you a bald, Kojak, Bigfoot hater?
28:39Look, I just want to ask a question about sport.
28:42I'm sorry, my mistake.
28:43Please, please do go ahead.
28:46I'd like to ask the panel their views on the possibilities of the bald Olympics coming to
28:50Birmingham!
28:52Hooray!
28:52Hooray!
28:53Hooray!
28:54Hooray!
28:55Yeah, all right, please.
28:56Hooray!
28:56Hooray!
28:57What?
28:59What?
29:01Who are you?
29:02I am Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slepid the Thun.
29:07No, you're not.
29:07You're not at all.
29:09I'll tell you exactly who you are.
29:10Your name is Martin Dwyer, your entertainment officer for Warwick University Students' Union.
29:17And he's not your father.
29:18Who's he?
29:19David Harrison.
29:20Don't do that voice anymore.
29:21It's not funny.
29:22Who's he?
29:23David Harrison.
29:25And what does he do?
29:26He's a tutor in political science.
29:30And what are you studying?
29:32Law.
29:34What do your parents think of this?
29:36Not that keen.
29:39You're just, everyone likes a bit of fun, but you're just, just wasting people's time.
29:44Get yourself a girlfriend.
29:45Well, um, I think we know a little bit more about, thank you for coming along.
29:50We know more about the Labour Party.
29:51Oh, it's a slaphead.
29:54Look at his slaphead.
29:54You, you are a bloody shit.
29:56Oh.
29:58You're a bloody buggering, shitting buggerhead.
30:01Please.
30:02I think you've just lost the safest Conservative seat in the country.
30:13Full scheme ahead.
30:15You buggerhead.
30:16Don't, please.
30:17Don't, please.
30:17This is not political debate.
30:19Ow, buggerhead.
30:20If you're going to fight, do it in the car park.
30:23Ow.
30:23Just stop it, please.
30:26Get security.
30:27Get security.
30:29Right.
30:30I'll have you.
30:31I'll have the both of you.
30:32Come here.
30:32Come here.
30:33I'll have you.
30:34I'll have you both.
30:34Right.
30:35I'll have you.
30:38Right.
30:38Right.
30:39Right.
30:40Right.
30:41And on that, on that bombshell, it's time to say, knowing me, Alan Partey's, knowing you,
30:47my guests, if you want to write in, then do so.
30:50Good night and aha.
30:59Good night.
31:01Yeah.
31:02Good night.
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