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00:00Knowing me, knowing you, aha, there is a thing we can do, knowing me, knowing you, aha.
00:11What is Christmas? It's a little robin redbreast petrified by the wind.
00:17It's an orphan in a blanket being helped into a shed.
00:20And it's a snowman whose nose carrot has been stolen and subsequently eaten by a gypsy thief.
00:27But more than that, it's me, Stanley, three stunning hostesses, some Santa chat and quality poultry.
00:35I.e. knowing me knowing you'll with Alan Partridge.
00:39I bid ye good tidings. Now.
00:57Oh ho ho ho!
01:14Don't worry, don't worry.
01:35That stuff you saw me brushing off earlier wasn't dandruff, it was just fake snow.
01:38It's just a polyurethane composite type of thing they used to use in Dr. Zhivago.
01:42Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing Yule with Alan Partridge.
01:47There's no need to shop around for your festive entertainment.
01:50Simply put your feet up and peruse my chatter log.
01:54And I mean that chattergorically.
01:57Tonight's show is coming live from BBC Television Centre
02:01where we've built an exact replica reproduction of the interior of my house.
02:07Please don't take that as a green light to go to Norwich and burgle my actual house.
02:12As happened during my television series six times.
02:16Because sitting at my home right now are two men from Securicore,
02:20Mike and Ted, with their two Alsatians, Tintin and Pickles.
02:24So if anyone out there is thinking of burgling me, then don't bother.
02:27No, in fact do. Have a go.
02:30Because quite frankly you'll be picking up your teeth with a broken arm.
02:33So just think about that before you trespass on my property.
02:39Because you people are scum.
02:42Let's meet the bell ringers of Norwich Cathedral.
02:51Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the bell ringers of Norwich Cathedral.
02:54Christmas, I imagine, a very busy time for bell ringers.
02:59Yeah, it is. It's very busy.
03:00But it's lovely for us to be able to celebrate through bell ringing
03:03the birth of Jesus Christ, our Saviour.
03:05Fair enough.
03:07It's nice to have you on the show.
03:10It's nice to... Sorry.
03:11No, carry on. Sorry.
03:12No, I was just going to say it's nice to be on a television show
03:14that's not all about, you know, swearing and child pornography.
03:17Have you seen Noel's House Party?
03:22Yes.
03:23That's the kind of show this is. Keep it light.
03:24Right.
03:26Have you had a mince pie?
03:27No.
03:28Have a mince pie.
03:29I was just saying...
03:30Have a mince pie.
03:32Next.
03:34Next.
03:35All I was saying was...
03:36Mince pies.
03:38Later on, Mick Hucknall from Simply Red will be singing
03:41Ding Dong Merrily on High.
03:43Mick will be backed on a Korg M1 synthesiser
03:46by my musical man with fingers like a centipede,
03:49Glenn Ponder.
03:55Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
03:56knowing you all, Glenn Ponder.
03:58Aha.
03:58Aha.
03:59Well, Glenn, did you have a nice Christmas?
04:01Oh, quiet.
04:03We just stayed in, didn't we?
04:04Yeah.
04:08What about you, Alan?
04:09Oh, very pleasant, very pleasant.
04:11Except on Boxing Day,
04:12when I chopped a man's head off and stuck it on a spike.
04:14Really, Alan?
04:15Yes.
04:15I was playing Mortal Kombat on my nephew's video game.
04:19But seriously,
04:21the highlights of my Christmas
04:23was receiving a brand new Rover Vitesse Fastback,
04:27which, I don't mind admitting,
04:29is the best executive car I've ever had.
04:33What did you get, Glenn?
04:36Andy bought me a silk kimono.
04:37Glenn Ponder, and Andy.
04:40Andy.
04:46Now, the idea of this show
04:48is that there's a party atmosphere in my home,
04:50my mock-up home.
04:51And what party would be complete
04:52without three lovely hostesses
04:54hired for the evening?
04:55They'll be circulating with mulled wine
04:58and boaster biscuits.
05:01They're an assortment of chocolates and hazelnuts
05:03compacted onto a sweet oatmeal base.
05:05It's quite buttery.
05:09Anyway, there they are.
05:10Yvette, Martine, and Sam.
05:12They're my three Christmas crackers.
05:15And I wouldn't mind pulling one of those.
05:16Now, while the girls whet our appetite,
05:22who's going to provide us with the meat?
05:24Well, it's a TV chef with a difference.
05:26So let's go and see what she is up to
05:28as we go over to my kitchen,
05:30my mock-up kitchen,
05:31to join Daytime TV's favourite chef,
05:34the rude, Fanny Thomas.
05:43Alan, you've caught me
05:44with my hand wrapped round an enormous chopper.
05:46Oh, pardon!
05:49She's outrageous.
05:52K-M-A-P-K-Y-F-T-A-H-A.
05:55You what?
05:56I'm saying knowing me, Alan Partridge,
05:58knowing you, Fanny Thomas, A-H-A.
05:59What for?
06:01I'm just trying to save time.
06:02We worked out during my last TV series
06:04that we wasted two minutes
06:05during every show
06:06saying my catchphrase, so...
06:08Why don't you cut the catchphrase, then?
06:10Can't do that.
06:11I mean, that'd be like JFK
06:12not saying,
06:13It could be nine, Berlina.
06:14He only said that once.
06:16Yeah, look what happened to him.
06:19Alan, are you saying
06:20if you don't say your catchphrase,
06:22you might be assassinated by someone?
06:24No, I'm not saying that.
06:25Although I can never completely eliminate
06:27the threat of assassination.
06:29I mean, I live daily
06:30under the shadow of a gunman.
06:32But saying the phrase
06:33may cause the assailant
06:34to abort the mission
06:35in the confusion.
06:37Anyway, I was trying to save time.
06:40I could have been shot
06:40four or five times
06:41in the time it's taken me
06:42to say this
06:42and we're going to have to
06:44drop one of the guests.
06:45Cut Zola Bud.
06:46Pay her off.
06:47Stick her in a cab.
06:49Shall I show you
06:50what I'm cooking?
06:51No, there isn't time
06:52but we'll come back to you later.
06:54Basically, just to explain,
06:56we all know what Fanny Thomas does.
06:58She cooks lovely food
06:59and she makes innuendos.
07:01Fanny, what are you cooking?
07:02Oh, roast partridge.
07:03Do you want stuffing?
07:04Yes, please.
07:05You don't look the type.
07:06Oh, pardon.
07:07That sort of thing.
07:09Anyway, more of that later.
07:11You'll be lucky.
07:12Oh, outrageous.
07:13Don't talk with your mouthful.
07:15Oh, reminds me of my boyfriend
07:16last night.
07:17Oh, please.
07:17That's too many.
07:20Now, on with the party.
07:22My house is open.
07:24My mock-up house
07:24is open to all comers.
07:26Don't.
07:27From the rich man
07:30in his Rover
07:30to the poor man
07:31in his Vauxhall Corsa.
07:33So, let's see.
07:34Let's see who's here.
07:36Can we just have you
07:37for a second?
07:38Now, this man
07:40looks like a clerk
07:41or possibly someone
07:42who works in a bank
07:43but, in fact,
07:44he's my new boss.
07:45The new chief commissioning editor
07:46of BBC Television.
07:48Mr Tony Hayes.
07:52I'm going to have
07:53a turkey out of that.
07:53I'm going to have
07:54a turkey out of that.
08:00K-M-A-P-K-Y-T-H-A-HA.
08:05A.
08:06Sorry?
08:08A.
08:08Abbreviation for
08:09A-HA.
08:10No, no.
08:11I don't want you
08:11to do that.
08:12I don't want anyone
08:14to abbreviate the A-HAs.
08:15By the way,
08:16when I greet anyone
08:17else on the show,
08:17I want you to utter
08:18the full response.
08:19OK?
08:20Only I will be using
08:21the abbreviated form.
08:22This is eating into the show
08:23much more than I ever intended.
08:25I mean,
08:25this was actually meant
08:26to save time.
08:27I think I'll abandon it.
08:29No, I'll stick with it.
08:29I'll stick with it.
08:31Tony, welcome to the show.
08:34Before you came to the BBC,
08:36you were chairman of Euro International Airlines,
08:40and whilst you were there, you sacked over 2,000 people.
08:43Will you be doing the same at the BBC?
08:45Well, I don't know about that, Alan,
08:47but if I can borrow an image
08:49from your very wonderful musical opening there,
08:51I hope to ring some changes.
08:54My show is your bell.
08:56Well, please, please, peel it.
09:00Peel my bell.
09:03Sorry, just tell us what you're going to do at the BBC.
09:07Right, well, I will be looking at our output very carefully.
09:11We live in a market economy,
09:13and the BBC should be no exception, that's how I see it.
09:15So every programme will have to justify itself,
09:18and, you know, if it's a lame duck, it may have to go.
09:21Well, let me assure you that no me knowing you
09:22with Alan Partridge is a very healthy duck,
09:24with plenty of legs.
09:27So you can axe any show you like,
09:30as long as you tell me I'm going to get a second series,
09:32please, please tell me I've got a second series, boss.
09:39Do you want to do that?
09:41Just to clear the air?
09:43I know this is not really the time.
09:45No, it's not really the time, no.
09:47No, you're absolutely right.
09:48I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
09:49I put you on the spot there.
09:50I'm sorry, I'm embarrassed you.
09:52Everyone's embarrassed.
09:52It's gone, it's gone.
09:55What's gone?
09:57That moment, the moment's gone.
09:59Oh, good, I thought you meant the second series.
10:01Now, um, now Christmas at home is,
10:05I'm sorry, just all that faffing around,
10:07it won't affect my chances of a second series.
10:09No, it won't affect the decision.
10:14You mean the decision's been taken?
10:17Decisions are made and unmade all the time, Alan.
10:19Right, so the decision might not have been made.
10:24The decision is pending.
10:26What you're saying is, if tonight's show goes well,
10:28I will get a second series.
10:31Don't say anything, don't say a word.
10:36Now, uh, Tony, what kind of a Christmas did you have?
10:39Well, you know, traditional, Christmas tree,
10:42turkey, all the children together.
10:44Midnight Mass?
10:44No, I'm Jewish.
10:45I'm Jewish, eh?
10:52Jews are good.
10:54Jews are good.
10:56Knowing you, Tony Hayes, Jew.
10:59Knowing me, Alan Partridge, Jew-liker.
11:02By the way, by the way, um, all that stuff,
11:07you know, before, that's all water under the bridge.
11:10The second series?
11:11No, the crucifixion.
11:13No, no, I didn't, no, I didn't,
11:14no, I meant the second series, not the crucifixion.
11:16I meant the second series.
11:18Look, let's talk, let's talk about moral standards
11:19at the BBC.
11:21I think that a lot of people now are worried
11:23about moral standards.
11:24Like the young bell ringer was saying earlier,
11:27I think people are afraid that the media
11:29can tend to...
11:30No, I wasn't talking about the media,
11:31I meant people in general are worried
11:33by sex and violence.
11:34Listen, love, we chatted earlier,
11:36but you must remember, you are a peripheral guest.
11:39No, no, no, I think that's a salient point.
11:41It's worth hearing.
11:43Good idea, good idea.
11:44Let's, let's hear her salient point.
11:46Bring her on, come and join us.
11:47Can we, can we get a drink for the, for the Christian?
11:49Sorry, sorry, love, sorry, I, I, I, I didn't catch your name.
11:56Mary.
11:57Mary, no, like, like the Virgin Mary.
11:59Are you, are you, oh, it's none of my business.
12:04Yes, I am, actually.
12:05Oh, well done.
12:09Fire away.
12:10I'd like to ask Mr. Hayes why he allows,
12:14on the BBC...
12:15How did this happen?
12:16What?
12:17Okay, carry on.
12:17Um, yeah, I'd like to ask Mr. Hayes
12:21why he allows, on the BBC,
12:23the graphic depiction of, of such sordid practices
12:26as swearing, fighting, masturbation...
12:29Listen, love, sorry,
12:29if you're going to talk about the subject,
12:31can you just avoid using, using that word?
12:34Masturbation?
12:35Yes, that's the one.
12:37Well, I do object to the graphic depiction of onanism.
12:41What's onanism?
12:43It's masturbation.
12:47Look, look, love, what's your problem with it?
12:52Well, I don't like it.
12:53Well, don't do it.
13:02I'd just like to ask you, really,
13:03what you intend to do about all the filth.
13:06It's not his fault, leave him alone!
13:08Well, I'd like to deal with this.
13:10Let him speak!
13:11The BBC has a brief, and part of that brief
13:15is to provide an opportunity for provocative,
13:18innovative, experimental drama.
13:20Crime Watch UK?
13:22Now, obviously, this can't be to everybody's tastes.
13:26When the boat comes in, tell them that.
13:27But if you look at it within its own context...
13:30What I object to is that some of these programmes
13:33are nothing short of pornographic, really.
13:35I think to call the BBC's output pornographic
13:38is, if you don't mind me saying, being slightly hysterical.
13:42Slightly hysterical.
13:43Very good.
13:44I'm not being hysterical.
13:47The BBC broadcasts pornography.
13:49Listen, love.
13:50The BBC might be many things, but porn it ain't.
13:53The only way you can get access to hardcore pornography
13:56is if you mail off for a satellite smart card decoder.
13:59Then you're in business.
14:05Let's talk about Christmas.
14:07Anyone got any thoughts on Christmas?
14:09Fanny?
14:10Well, my spatula's stuck under my flapjack.
14:12Oh, pardon.
14:14Outrageous.
14:16Hang on a sec.
14:17That doesn't make sense.
14:20Well, erm...
14:21You know, spatch...
14:23No.
14:24No, it doesn't work, does it?
14:26I'd just like to say that I think
14:28it's really nice that we're here to celebrate Christmas.
14:31This is a Christmas show
14:32and it's celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ
14:36and his incarnation as a human being.
14:38No, it's not.
14:39It's...
14:40It's knowing me, knowing you, with Alan Partridge.
14:43And Christ.
14:44Christ isn't in the title.
14:45It's...
14:46It's not knowing me, knowing you, with Jesus Christ.
14:50Do you believe in God, Alan?
14:52Yes.
14:53What is he?
14:55God is...
14:57Er...
14:57A gas.
14:58What does that mean?
15:02Well, you know, I mean, he's not a small gas.
15:05He's not like, sort of, Cala gas or something.
15:08He's something big, you know, like oxygen or carbon dioxide.
15:12No, that's bad, isn't it?
15:14No, that's the devil.
15:16I don't really want to get bogged down in this
15:18because I haven't thought it through quite as much as I wished I had.
15:22Oh, look, there's someone at the door.
15:23Is there?
15:23Yes, there is.
15:25There's someone at the door.
15:27Santa.
15:28Santa.
15:28Oh, let's see who it is.
15:29Let's see who it is.
15:30Oh.
15:31Oh, I've got a good feeling about this.
15:33Yes.
15:34Oh, it's Father Christmas.
15:35Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
15:45Now, Father Christmas is, in actual fact, none other than Mike Taylor of the Norfolk Rover Dealer Network.
15:52Mike, thanks very much.
15:54Thanks very much for being Father Christmas.
15:56It's a pleasure, Alan.
15:57Mike, I heard recently that Norfolk Rover are offering 0% finance on selected models this season.
16:03Is that true?
16:04That's absolutely true, Alan.
16:05And the snowy weather has enabled us to freeze the prices on the whole of the Rover 600 series.
16:09Right.
16:09But, Alan, I understand you have a Rover Vitesse Fastback.
16:13Yes, I do.
16:14And what is it you particularly like about it?
16:16Well, apart from the walnut and leather interior, which I think really does give it luxury car status,
16:21the thing that impressed me most was the overall economy.
16:24I mean, 38.4 miles to the gallon at a constant 56 miles an hour, I think, makes it a class leader.
16:29That's absolutely right.
16:33Father Christmas!
16:34Let's meet a few of my other guests at tonight's party.
16:43Over there, that's WPC Kate Fraser.
16:45She patrols my area.
16:47And I bet she takes down your particulars.
16:48Oh, pardon!
16:50It's getting quite tiresome now.
16:52And I want you to meet this character.
16:55His name is Alan.
16:57This is the man responsible for getting me where I am today.
17:00Quite literally.
17:01He's my chauffeur.
17:02Yeah, he did deserve one of those, yeah.
17:05Alan, did you get hair all right tonight?
17:07Yeah, fine.
17:08A bit of a snarl up at Shepherd's Bush there.
17:11A lot of those Asian blokes out on the street having a party or something.
17:14What is it you call them again?
17:16Ramadan-a-ding-dong?
17:17No, not that.
17:20It's Ramadan, Alan.
17:21No, no, but you said Ramadan-a-ding-dong.
17:23Oh, not now, Alan, please.
17:25Now, the conversations I've just had, I think, successfully recreate the conversations I have
17:31with my ordinary friends in my real home.
17:34Once again, if you've just tuned in, this is a mock-up.
17:37However, this is real.
17:40This is my favourite piece of furniture.
17:42It's a genuine 18th-century Queen Anne wardrobe, hollowed out to include a 36-inch television
17:48with companion video.
17:51And I'll just unwrap this.
17:53And it's for all those people who ask me,
17:55Alan, what do you get up to at Christmas in Norwich?
17:58Here's the answer.
17:59It's Christmas in Norwich with Alan Partridge.
18:08Norwich.
18:09City of mustard.
18:11And shoes.
18:13After the bombing of Dresden,
18:15Norwich became a city with the largest number of pre-Reformation churches in Europe.
18:20I love to jog around, Norwich.
18:22But I can still make calls to the office via my digital telecom headset communicator.
18:27Norwich Cathedral is breathtaking.
18:30And its beautiful golden stone cloisters are the perfect place to go jogging every morning whilst making those last-minute budget decisions.
18:38300k.
18:39300k.
18:40All we take is the sky.
18:41If Wackle Walsh doesn't want to stay in a truss house forte, we'll stick her in a youth hostel, see if she likes that.
18:48400 years ago, this serenity was shattered by a bloody big fight between the townsfolk and the cathedral monks.
18:56Six friars were beheaded on this site, which is now a Dorothy Perkins.
19:01The blood runs deep.
19:05Many say the ghosts of that carnage still haunt the town square.
19:08It's three days before Christmas, and I drive the Rover VTAS Fastback to the Royal Norwich Hospital.
19:19You can't park here.
19:21I've got special permission, because I'm distributing a large box of second-hand toys to the sick children.
19:27Hello, I'm Alan Partridge.
19:28I love kids.
19:29The things they say.
19:30Well, there you go.
19:31Right, let's have a toy.
19:32Second-hand, but it's in quite good condition.
19:33I mean, basically it's shop-soiled, you know, but it is, it is, I mean, as you can see, it's still in pretty good condition.
19:42There's nothing technically wrong with that.
19:43Has anyone watched my show?
19:44Knowing me, knowing you and Alan Partridge?
19:45No?
19:46No?
19:47No.
19:48No?
19:49No-one knows it?
19:50Has anyone...
19:51Never heard of me?
19:52No.
19:53Right.
19:54It's very rude to say that, actually.
19:55In the studio, we're basically, what it is, we're building an enormous mock-up of my house in a studio.
20:06It's great.
20:07I mean, the budget's about 280k.
20:10I don't know if any of you are familiar with TV budgets, are you?
20:14You looking forward to Christmas?
20:17Yes.
20:18Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
20:41The good thing about the automatic transmission on these things is you don't have to do those
20:47tricky hill starts.
20:48Right now, I just hit the gas, away we go.
20:54It's been a busy few days.
21:00What better way to unwind than at Tandy's?
21:03I've got a special arrangement with their Norwich branch, who let me into their store after
21:08they're closed to the general public.
21:10If you're a well-known celebrity, Christmas shopping can be an absolute nightmare.
21:15So it's always nice to mooch around without fear of being threatened or pickpocketed.
21:20Nice action.
21:21Very nice.
21:22That is a very nice action.
21:35It's a quality action.
21:36I've got one, though.
21:37Right.
21:38Ah, traffic master.
21:42Can these be dash-mounted?
21:43Yep, with a standard.
21:44Excellent.
21:45Excellent.
21:46It's like Cracker Jack, isn't it, all your presents.
21:47Oh, Jesus Christ!
21:48I'm sorry.
21:49I've only done this across the BBC.
21:50I'm sorry.
21:51It's at times like these, simply browsing among electrical goods at Tandy's.
21:54I've got one, though.
21:55Right.
21:56Ah, traffic master.
21:57Can these be dash-mounted?
21:58Yep, with a standard.
21:59Excellent.
22:00Excellent.
22:01Um, like Cracker Jack, isn't it, all your presents?
22:02Oh, Jesus Christ!
22:03I'm sorry.
22:04I've only done this across the BBC.
22:05I'm sorry.
22:06It's at times like these, simply browsing among electrical goods at Tandy's.
22:20But I know who I truly am.
22:25I'm Alan Partridge.
22:28Well, it's Christmas Eve.
22:34All the good deeds are done.
22:35Um, the Rover's in the garage, along with the Espace and the Toyota Starlet.
22:40Run around for, uh, Denise when she's home.
22:42Um, Park's there safely in the garage.
22:44It's a triple garage.
22:45It's quite, um, quite large.
22:46I'll show you a cutaway of that now.
22:49Yeah?
22:50I like to go into the house and tuck into a turkey.
22:52That's all from me.
22:53You can't come in my house.
22:54It's private.
22:55But I will see you later in the mock-up.
22:57Good night.
22:58Merry Christmas.
23:02Seriously, seriously, a bit of privacy.
23:03Thanks a lot.
23:04Good night.
23:05This caught me chomping on a minced pie.
23:22They taste a bit off.
23:24Sort of minty, sort of fermented.
23:26minty sort of fermented everyone the mince pies are off don't eat the mince pies tony i hope you're
23:32going to sort out the bbc catering i'll make it my top priority adam although there are other things
23:38that i will be addressing sorry can i just interrupt you there um mary can i ask you to eat
23:43less noisily i'm not being rude but if i if i hold my microphone close to your mouth now chew
23:50yeah you see now that's what people are hearing at home you see i'm not being rude it's just that
23:58you sound like a pig sorry tony yes uh there are other things apart from the catering that i will
24:06be looking into um for example product placement what's product placement it's when a presenter
24:13abuses his or her position to um advertise a specific product i see that as a severe breach
24:22of contract and um they'll be punished with instant dismissal ho ho ho merry christmas tony
24:30don't open that now don't open that name don't open that name what is it um oh it's a rover
24:38it's a special offer which lasts not now mike um i'm gonna have some mulled wine um glenn glenn do
24:48you want do you want some mulled wine oh no thanks alan i'm i'm fine right um does your friend andy want
24:54some no i'm fine no and it's fine right well if he wants some you know you just let me know all right
25:01i'll have some out get your own rama dama ding dong yeah hello again hello how are you all right
25:10looking for the mulled mulled wine um boasters yeah quite nicely have you had a boastation
25:16have one yourself quite interesting boasters i mean three years ago hobnobs were probably the number
25:23one biscuit um i mean it was digestives then hobnobs came along and blew them into the weeds
25:29and uh so i mean you know until recently in the oatmeal kingdom hobnobs ruled the biscuit
25:36roost um but um you know and then boasters came along i'd love i'd love to have been a fly on the
25:42wall at the hobnob factory when boasters when boasters hit the streets i'm not implying that there
25:47are flies and by the way i'm not yeah i'm not implying that flies are on the wall at a hobnob factory
25:52i was talking about hypothetical flies but on a real hobnob wall
25:58lovely having this chat with you you're doing very well i've been watching you
26:05don't forget mick hucknall coming up later on but time now for my star guest uh apart from mick
26:10hucknall that's contractual now if if you've been reading your radio times you may be expecting
26:16raquel welsh at this point she cancelled this afternoon i can't say anything beyond that
26:24five o'clock she cancelled however we've got something better i think and we've got two
26:30very lovely golfers who are going to step into raquel's shoes um one in each the story has touched
26:36the nation she used to be his caddy and now he is her caddy why you'll see for yourself as i
26:43introduce a married pair of top professional golfing people liz and gordon heron
26:55watch the queen anne cabinet watch uh glenn's friend andy
27:01just want to park in there
27:04great lovely
27:05you're doing three point turns next kmap ky gordon and liz heron aha aha
27:16it's a nice laugh sounds a bit like a big bird doesn't it it really does now as i said your story
27:24is a christmas fairy tale isn't it you're gordon hansel and liz gretel allow me if you will to be
27:32hans christian allen partidson
27:40once upon a time in november 1993 a young golfer was on the 18th hole he was about to put his way
27:46to victory in the colgate cup as his flax and hair blew in the wind it started to rain and then disaster
27:53a bolt of lightning struck him down and he was paralyzed how did that feel
28:01sort of felt felt a bit like
28:09wonderful wonderful what a lovely sense of humor
28:14anyway i just finished the fairy story um gordon the golfer didn't lie down like a dog and become a
28:20bitter and twisted hate-filled lunatic he picked himself up and the tradition of many other heroic
28:26disabled people lord nelson napoleon ironside daniel day lewis captain hook and dave allen
28:34he became liz's golfing coach and caddy in a special motorized cart and two years later
28:40liz gretel puttered her way to glory in the colgate cup and just last week she was named lady sports
28:45personality of the year by the readers of she magazine the end it's a fairy story gordon you
28:52were robbed of the use of your legs um in a sense you were a victim of a leg thief
29:00if you could speak to that leg thief now what would you say
29:03i suppose i'd say to him you know why didn't you pick on someone who had more legs than they need
29:07a centipede exactly a centipede with 98 legs could still get about what about a millipede millipedes got
29:15a million legs a thousand what's got a million legs then a thousand millipedes
29:23it doesn't seem fair does it the way god gives some things a thousand legs i mean i really can't
29:28believe a millipede has the intelligence to appreciate just how lucky it is um and then god
29:33gives other things like people only two legs well god's probably got lots of legs himself yeah except
29:38god's a gas um probably got gas legs that makes sense now liz lovely liz much though i respect uh
29:48professional golfers i have to say i do find the sport incredibly dull um is it isn't it rude that
29:55golf's a great sport it's actually one of the world's most traditional sports because it dates back to
30:00king henry the eighth now he was the fat king with the six wives do you remember lucky bloke
30:06and he used to play croquet on the village green outside buckingham palace because in them days
30:10london was like a sort of big village um i think they called it londinium and anyway um so through
30:17the centuries the the sticks became the golf clubs that we know and the balls became smaller they became
30:23the golf balls that we know and love so you see it's very traditional and exciting sport and dull it is not
30:31gordon do you get out much
30:35when i can i mean do you have any hobbies now you have all this time on your hands
30:41yeah i like making maps oh right what what ordnance survey maps eight as ads what no maps of uh imaginary
30:48places you know what what do you mean well i create them you know like a a mountain or a pond maybe a
30:55little stream right i mean do you hang them on the wall or no i don't draw them they're in my head
31:00they're imaginary right are they any use not really good well i'd love to have a walk around your head
31:14sometimes i'm sure it's very picturesque no you can't it's private all right i wasn't going to book an
31:21appointment
31:25liz liz lovely liz with your lovely bird laugh
31:28um now in the past before the uh i believe gordon was a bit of a ladies man in fact he was he was
31:40known quite simply as randy gordon well now i like to call him chairman mouse i say morning chairman
31:46ma'am now is he a communist i'm in a wheelchair uh yes of course chairman ma'am sorry yes um right
31:55well um gordon in the past you know before the uh um you you i mean what i mean is you know do you
32:05You still have an eye for the fairer sex?
32:06Oh, yes. Still chase the ladies, but I'll stop when they get to the stairs.
32:11Yes, a bit like a Dalek.
32:15Can't go up the stairs, I mean.
32:16I'm not comparing you to a Dalek.
32:20You're more like Davros, the leader of the Dalek.
32:23You're half human, half Dalek.
32:24I'm sorry, I'm deeply...
32:26I mean, I'm sorry.
32:29Now, you're married to Liz.
32:31There's no escaping that.
32:32But, in the words of Dr Hook,
32:36when you're in love with a beautiful woman,
32:38you watch your friends.
32:40Do you watch your friends?
32:41Was Dr Hook a real doctor?
32:44Do you know, I've absolutely no idea.
32:45Can we find out if Dr Hook was a fully qualified GP?
32:50Before the end of the show, fine, they'll let us know.
32:52Is this you, Alan?
32:54Yes, now, this is a portrait I commissioned
32:57by a local Norwich artist, David Morton.
33:00He has done quite a few famous people.
33:02He did Sebastian Coe, the celebrity conservative runner.
33:07I think your mouth looks a little bit big.
33:10That's intentional.
33:11He takes the facet of his subject, which is most significant,
33:15and then exaggerates it.
33:16With me, obviously, I'm a professional chatter.
33:18I don't know what I'd do if my mouth was struck by lightning,
33:20how to say.
33:21Sure you can find another hole to talk through?
33:26Lovely sense of humour.
33:28You should put the brakes on that.
33:37Or drop anchor, whatever you do.
33:40It's nice that you've got all these ramps everywhere for us.
33:43Do you like those?
33:44I mean, I've installed them for you in my mock-up home.
33:46I don't actually have ramps in my real home, you know,
33:48because, well, frankly, I don't actually know that many disabled people,
33:51but if you and I were to become friends,
33:54then, you know, I would happily purchase a set.
33:56Don't get your checkbook out just yet.
33:58No, I would.
33:59It's the least I could do, you know.
34:01It'd be nice if you chipped in, you know, made a contribution.
34:04I mean, you would be the major user.
34:07I'm sorry, I would fund them exclusively.
34:09I'm sorry.
34:10If we were friends.
34:13Right, now, it says here announcement.
34:16What's that about?
34:18Oh, that's me.
34:18I'm pregnant.
34:20Ladies and gentlemen, in five months,
34:22I shall be giving birth to a little baby heron.
34:25Not literally.
34:25That would be hideous.
34:26But, uh, congratulations.
34:29Congratulations.
34:30I used to say she caddied me clubs.
34:32Now I say she's caddying me baby.
34:34Well, congratulations and best wishes to both of you.
34:36And a special congratulations to you, Gordon.
34:39Well done.
34:44What do you mean?
34:45I'm just saying, you know, well done.
34:47Best good wishes.
34:48I can have sex.
34:49Yeah, I know.
34:50Look, I'm not saying that.
34:50I can still shake.
34:51Please, it's precious.
34:52Just because I'm in a wheelchair doesn't mean that I don't feel sexual desire anymore.
34:56I don't want to talk about it.
34:56I actually feel more sexual desire now ever since I've been in a wheelchair than before.
35:01I'm a better lover as well, aren't I?
35:02People don't want to talk about it.
35:03They don't want to hear about people feeling lust because they're disabled.
35:06Please, please, please.
35:07Don't give me.
35:07Please, please.
35:08Look, listen, I'm on your side.
35:12I had those wheelchair ramps installed at three hours' notice.
35:17Do you know something?
35:18There's no disabled access at the Strand Theatre tonight because we've got the ramps.
35:24If you're in a wheelchair and you want to see the Buddy Holly story tonight, you can forget it because of you.
35:30This lot didn't want to have you on the show.
35:33They said you'd be a fire hazard.
35:34I've got a fire extinguisher under my chair in case you go off.
35:42Anyway, thank you for sharing your fairy story.
35:45Stay around, enjoy some mulled wine.
35:46Ladies and gentlemen, Gordon and Liz Herron, A Fairy Story.
35:49Now, I know what you're saying.
36:04You're saying to yourselves, Alan, this show is a success.
36:08Granted, there were one or two hiccups, but we're sure they can be ironed out if this show went to a second series.
36:15I hope you're listening, Tony.
36:16This is the viewers speaking.
36:17However, Alan, you're saying, you are a spiv.
36:22You're a rip-off merchant.
36:23You say it's a Christmas special, but you haven't even pulled a cracker.
36:26And to those people, I say, right, bring on the biggest Christmas cracker in the world.
36:35The cracker is...
36:37The cracker is five feet high.
36:40The cracker is five feet high, the height of a large cow, and it's 23 feet long.
36:52That's about the length of a small Chinese restaurant.
36:56Our thanks for construction go to Hillary Simpson of White City Pyrotechnics.
37:01Thank you, Hilary.
37:06Hilary, of course, can be a man's name, just like Leslie or Vivian.
37:09So, thank you, sir, for donating your services for free.
37:13This is a charity pull.
37:15Fanny, I ask you not to comment.
37:16Inside the cracker is a kidney dialysis machine.
37:20If we break the world record, the dialysis machine will be winging its way to the Royal Children's Hospital in Norwich.
37:26And here to pull the cracker are the Royal Plymouth Sea Cadets.
37:37Now, we were going to have Zola Budd to blow the whistle.
37:41She can't do that, obviously.
37:43So, Gordon, perhaps you'd like to join me and blow the whistle instead.
37:47In your own time, on your marks, get set.
37:50The force required to split the cracker is the equivalent of a Land Rover winching a small sapling up from its roots.
37:57It's...
37:57Oh, no, right.
37:59The cracker's on fire.
38:01Abort the pull.
38:02Abort the pull.
38:03Get Gordon.
38:04Where's the fire extinguisher?
38:06It's under your chair, Ian.
38:07It's under the chair.
38:08It's under my chair.
38:09It's under his chair.
38:11Put my face out.
38:13Put my face out.
38:18Ladies and gentlemen, we have had a cracker fire in the studio.
38:22Yes, I'm being told the split in the cracker does not constitute a complete snap.
38:26And we haven't broken the world record.
38:28I suppose the lesson to be learned from this is don't ever get your props and special effects made by White City pyrotechnics.
38:35Because, and I'm quite happy to go on record with this, White City pyrotechnics are run by twits.
38:41And there's one over there.
38:43There he is.
38:43And he's got a girl's name.
38:46And he makes pyrotechnics like a girl.
38:48Shall I do the joke, Ellen?
38:50Um, no, don't do the joke, Father Christmas.
38:52Yeah, go on, Father Christmas.
38:54Give us all the giggles.
38:55What make of car goes woof, woof?
38:59Is it a Rover?
39:00Mike, please.
39:01Mike, Mike, Mike, please.
39:03Help me out here, please.
39:04Please.
39:05No, it's not a Rover.
39:07It's a...
39:08A Vauxhall Labrador.
39:12Oh, hilarious.
39:15There's no such car.
39:17Yes, there is.
39:17My dad had one in the 60s.
39:19We had great times in the Vauxhall Labrador.
39:21Right, can we clear this up?
39:24Uh, well, while they're clearing up that mess,
39:26um, let's have some breakfast bar chat.
39:28Um, a new section of the show.
39:30What do you like to talk about?
39:31What's going to happen about that dialysis machine?
39:33Um, it will just go back to the suppliers.
39:35How much does the dialysis machine cost?
39:39About £20,000.
39:40And how much does this programme cost?
39:42That's none of your business.
39:43That's confidential information.
39:45£300,000.
39:46That's correct, yeah.
39:47So you could have got 14 dialysis machines
39:52instead of making this programme.
39:54I think if you asked the British public
39:56whether they would prefer 14 kidney dialysis machines
39:59or an Alan Partridge Christmas special,
40:01the answer would be pretty unanimous, wouldn't it, Tony?
40:03Yes, I think it would.
40:05LAUGHTER
40:05And, uh, thanks, uh, thanks everyone
40:08for a very entertaining breakfast bar chat.
40:10So, quite a good section, that.
40:12That could be a regular feature in my show, you know,
40:14if, if we've got a second series.
40:15On the first day of Christmas
40:19My true love gave to me
40:21A partridge in a pear tree
40:24On the second day of Christmas
40:27My true love gave to me
40:29Two turtle doves
40:30And a partridge in a pear tree
40:33That's me
40:34On the third day of Christmas
40:36My true love gave to me
40:38Three ranch hens
40:39This should have been milled!
40:41Two turtle doves
40:41And a partridge in a pear tree
40:44This should have been milled!
40:45On the fourth day of Christmas
40:47My true love gave to me
40:49Four calling birds
40:50Can we stop? Just cut the music!
40:51We can't do this!
40:53Two turtle doves
40:53Alan Partridge in a pear tree
40:55Keep flapping, it looks good!
40:57Um, we've got you there, we've got you there, we've got you there.
41:00I'm just gonna, let's circle the dove down.
41:02I'm sorry, this is the French, French hens.
41:04Um, are you alright there?
41:05Come on, you don't have to flap anymore love, it's okay, come down.
41:09I just want to keep you away from the dialysis machine, I don't want you to damage it.
41:12I've got to go back to the supplies.
41:15Uh, this really should have been cleared, that should have been cleared.
41:20Um, I'm sorry I've had to abandon my big number, which is a shame, because there's still 28 people backstage in funny costumes that are going to come on and dance, but, um, what the heck, the show's still going well, I believe that.
41:34Um, let's go back to Fanny Thomas and her Christmas partridge!
41:38Well, now, Alan, I've basted the bird now, now what we need to get sorted out is the trimmings, now I don't know about you, but there's nothing I love more than a hot, spicy stuffing.
41:53Oh, pardon!
41:55Uh, anyway, I need to help me out now, right, by grasping this very firmly and giving the top a good hard tug.
42:02What does your mother think of you?
42:05Very proud.
42:07Very proud.
42:08Go on, say something about proud now.
42:10Sorry?
42:11You know, about standing proud or something.
42:13I don't get it.
42:14You know, but I mean, I mean like, you know, like a, like a man's member or something.
42:18I don't want to encourage you, I just, I'm surprised you missed that one, that's all.
42:23I don't know what you mean.
42:25Go on, twist it, twist it.
42:26It's quite stiff.
42:27That's what they all say.
42:28No, pardon!
42:29No, no, leave it alone, leave it alone.
42:31Now, Alan, look, here's the stuffing, right?
42:33Now, what I want you to do is grab a great big fistful.
42:36Oh, he's not shy.
42:38Now, stick it right up.
42:40Go on, stick it right up.
42:42Come on, that's it.
42:44Further.
42:45Further.
42:46Right up to the neck.
42:50Well, that's enough.
42:52Rude to point, Alan.
42:54No, I'm not talking about your finger.
42:56Oh, pardon!
42:57I'm not, I am not aroused.
42:58Mmm, he thinks the lady does protest too much.
43:00Oh, put a cork in it.
43:01Oh, well, I tried it, but it doesn't help.
43:03Look it on the head.
43:04Oh, I didn't know you were into the rough stuff, honestly.
43:07It's enough to make a girl blush.
43:09Yeah, but you're not a girl.
43:10You're not a girl, are you?
43:12Your name's Peter Willis.
43:13You're a failed disc jockey who dresses up as a woman for cheap laughs.
43:17Right, this is Peter, right?
43:21Now, what do you want?
43:22Do you want Peter, or do you want Fanny?
43:25Uh, Fanny.
43:26I want Fanny.
43:32Now, I think you're pulled out too soon.
43:34Go on, pop it back in.
43:35That's right.
43:36Oi, Alan, what do you do for an encore?
43:39Shag a robin?
43:43That's enough, man.
43:44I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
43:47I need help.
43:48I'll get help.
43:49I'm sorry.
43:50Listen, my wife left me on Christmas Eve.
43:52I spent Christmas Day all on my own here.
43:54Well, not here.
43:55This is a mock-up.
43:56This is a disgrace.
43:58I'm going to make sure you never, never work on television again.
44:02Please, please don't take my chat away from me.
44:05Is there anything I can say or do that will make you change your mind?
44:08No.
44:09Do you want some, eh?
44:10I'm handy.
44:11I'm handy.
44:12I'm handy.
44:13Do you want some?
44:14No, thank you.
44:15What about you, Mrs. Potter?
44:16Do you want some, big bird?
44:17Eh?
44:18I will never work in broadcasting again.
44:19I'm not that bombshell.
44:20It's time for me, Alan Potters to say, knowing me, Alan Potters, knowing you, wherever you
44:27are, and hoost, hoost, is hoost a word?
44:30I don't know.
44:31And I've just been told Dr. Hook is not a qualified medical doctor.
44:35Happy Christmas.
44:36And, oh, and here's Mick Hacknell to sing ding-dong merrily on high.
44:39A ha!
44:40you are, and hoost, hoost is hoost a word? I don't know. And I've just been told Dr.
44:48Hook is not a qualified medical doctor. Happy Christmas. Oh, and here's Mick Hocknell to
44:54sing Ding Dong Merrily on High. Ah-ha!
44:58Ding Dong Merrily on High. In heaven the bells are ringing. Ding Dong Merrily the sky is
45:15riven with angels singing. Gloria! Hosanna in excelsis. May you dutifully prime your mat and
45:34chimes, he rings. May you beautifully rhyme your e-time song, he sings.
45:42Gloria! Hosanna in excelsis. In so here below below, let steeple bells be sling, and ay-yo-ay-yo-ay-yo,
46:05by priests and people singing.
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