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00:01Paris, city of French people, home of Quasimodo, Louis XIV, Hercule Poirot and Sacha Distel,
00:12city of lovers, of artists, of the croissant, the cappuccino, city of moonlight, of dreams,
00:21of men in long coats meeting in brasseries at dawn, and the setting for the fourth show
00:27in the first series of Knowing Me, Knowing You, with Alan Partridge.
00:40Knowing me, knowing you, aha, there is nothing we can do.
00:46Knowing me, knowing you, aha, we just have to face it that time we do.
00:54Knowing me, knowing you, aha, there is nothing we can do.
01:15Bonjour.
01:16Bonjour.
01:17Bienvenue to Le Monde.
01:19Why am I speaking in French?
01:22Well, it's because tonight's show is coming live from Paris.
01:25What was once a pipe dream is now the Channel Tunnel, a big pipe.
01:33But tonight, we're building a new construction, one that isn't vulnerable to a major terrorist attack.
01:39That's because it's a castle, a castle of chat, or a chatto.
01:45Or, or since we're in Paris, a chatteesery.
01:51Now, when we were planning this, I was asked if I would like a French co-host to help me present the show.
01:58I said, no, no way, nil puan, absoluta non non.
02:04Then, they showed me her photograph.
02:08And I said, oui, I'm happy to have this woman as my co-host, subject to certain contractual stipulations.
02:16How can I describe her?
02:18Well, if I were mad Baron Franken-Partridge with a cellar full of pickled corpses,
02:24then I would take the clever head of Melvin Bragg, stitch it to the torso of Edith Piaf,
02:30add some legs...
02:32I'm sorry, I think this is getting quite unpleasant.
02:34I'll just bring her on.
02:36Please welcome my co-host, a delightful French madame, although she doesn't run a whorehouse, but she does have excellent organisational skills.
02:45Here she is, France's answer to a younger Sioux lawlie, Nina Vanier.
02:51You won't find these at your local B&Q, they're, uh, they're French.
03:11Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Nina Vanier. Uh-huh.
03:18Uh-huh.
03:19I thought you were going to say, uh-huh, then, but, uh, but you didn't.
03:23Now, Nina, let me start by saying that I'm delighted to have you as my co-host.
03:27And I'm also delighted to have you as my co-host.
03:30Uh, no, no.
03:32You're my co-host, I'm the host.
03:36Now, Nina, none of my, none of my British friends will forgive me if I didn't say,
03:40we love the Channel Tunnel, but for goodness sake, don't send us any of your rabid dogs.
03:49Well, we won't, Alan, as long as you don't send us any of your mad cows.
03:54Well, I think, I think you'll find that our cows weren't mad because they were bitten by your dogs.
04:01It's an interesting theory, if a little xenophobic.
04:04No French.
04:04Xenophobic's an English word.
04:09It means small-minded fear of other nations.
04:11It's time to meet our house band for this evening.
04:17They came over yesterday on the Hovercat.
04:19Please welcome Glenn Ponder and Savoir-Faire.
04:33Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, uh-huh.
04:35Uh-huh.
04:36And knowing me, Nina Vanier, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, uh-huh.
04:39Uh-huh.
04:40Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Savoir-Faire, uh-huh.
04:43Uh-huh.
04:44And knowing me, Nina Vanier, knowing you, Savoir-Faire, uh-huh.
04:47Uh-huh.
04:47Uh-huh.
04:48Glenn, um, I was, uh, I was taking a walk in Paris this morning and I saw a madman throw himself in the river.
04:54Really, Alan?
04:55Yes, it was quite literally insane, in the same.
05:01Seriously, Glenn, uh, seriously, are you looking forward to, uh, the high-kicking ladies at La Folle-Bergiaire tonight?
05:06No, no, that was last night, uh, the plan was changed.
05:10What?
05:11I thought you knew. We, we, we left a message.
05:14Well, I didn't get one.
05:15Yeah.
05:15And I, I, I was in my hotel room all night.
05:18I, I ended up watching, uh, uh, The Poseidon Adventure on TV.
05:22It was dubbed in French.
05:24There was no message.
05:25Oh, well, I left one.
05:26Glenn Ponder, and you definitely left a message.
05:28Yes.
05:29Okay.
05:30Glenn Ponder and Savoir-Faire.
05:40Delia Smith, Keith Floyd, Fanny Craddock, and Mr. Kipling are all famous international chefs.
05:53So is our first guest, my first guest.
05:56He's the most controversial chef in Paris.
05:59Passionate about food, not so passionate about the celebrities who dine in his restaurant.
06:04Recently, he poured rice pudding over Brian Ferry's head.
06:07And slapped Jeremy Irons.
06:09He's rye.
06:10He's spry.
06:11He's crisp and dry.
06:13Please welcome super chef, Philippe Lambert.
06:36Well, uh, you certainly smell like a Frenchman.
06:39I mean, I mean, I mean your aftershave.
06:40It's very nice, very nice, very nice smell.
06:42Is it, is it, what, Aramis?
06:45No, Alan, it's, uh, Cologne.
06:46It's good.
06:47It's good smell.
06:49What's yours?
06:50Uh, Schlesinger Sports.
06:51It's the, uh, it's the stick type.
06:56Don't use the, I don't use the roll-on, because, uh, traps your hairs.
07:03Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Philippe Lambert, uh-huh.
07:06Uh-huh.
07:07Now, Philippe, you have very, very kindly arranged some delicacies here for us to pick at throughout
07:17the show.
07:17Um, now, I have to say, this, this is a whole different world to the universe of hula hoops,
07:26cheesy wotsits, and monster munch.
07:27Tell, tell us a bit about them.
07:30Well, it's what I call my grand selection of.
07:32Big selection.
07:35It's a selection of hors d'oeuvres.
07:38Starters.
07:40That you might find in my restaurant.
07:42I think appetizers are.
07:43Starters, same thing.
07:46Philippe, these are superb.
07:48Let's talk about your restaurant.
07:50Good, yeah, good.
07:52What's your fundamental approach to cuisine?
07:55Well, actually, Nina, I don't have an approach.
07:56I have a reproach, you know.
07:58I'm very bored by the whole, uh, restaurant industry.
08:01To me, it seems a little more than a big fat pig endlessly regurgitating and consuming that which...
08:11...that which it eats, uh, without discrimination.
08:15Without taste.
08:20Without joy.
08:22You know, I, I'm not interested what Egon Roney thinks, uh, you know, my Michelin stars, I send them back.
08:29You send them back?
08:30You just peel the sticker off the window and send it back?
08:34No, no, no, no, Alan.
08:37No, I know it is quite difficult, but it can be done.
08:40Um, if you soak a sponge in soapy warm water,
08:44and just hold it against the sticker, leave it for half an hour, come back,
08:47it'll just peel away.
08:48Bob's your uncle, you've got your Michelin stars off the window.
08:51Thank you, Alan.
08:51I'll remember that.
08:52Warm soapy water.
08:56It's gotta, it's gotta be warm.
08:58Philippe, the other...
09:01The other interesting thing about your restaurant, of course, is that it has no name.
09:05Yes, that's right.
09:06It's, uh, if you like, um, an irony that, uh, although it is called the restaurant with no name,
09:12people refer to it as the restaurant with no name, so...
09:15Like Clint Eastwood.
09:19What?
09:20I'm just saying, it's, it's like Clint Eastwood.
09:37Who else is like Clint Eastwood?
09:39The spaghetti westerns, he was known as the, he was known as the man with no name.
09:42And that's an irony that I think Jacques Derrida would appreciate.
09:47Oh, certainly, and, uh, Jacques Derrida regularly dines at my restaurant and indeed
09:51regularly appreciates the irony.
09:55Who's, who's he?
09:56Jacques Derrida, the philosopher.
09:58I've never heard of it.
10:00Jacques Derrida, the most famous philosopher in the world.
10:04Well, I wouldn't say that.
10:05Well, Alan, uh, would you care to name a more famous philosopher?
10:13Yeah, all the, uh, all the great ones.
10:16Yes, but one who is alive.
10:18Who is the most famous philosopher, Alan?
10:24Creature used enough?
10:30Yes, yes, absolutely right.
10:32Yes, I'd forgotten about it.
10:34Well, I'm lost, uh, your next question, please, Confucius.
10:38I'm not confused.
10:43All right, here's a good question.
10:44Now, you are known as the top chef in your field.
10:48You've only got one restaurant.
10:50Bernie Inn has thousands.
10:53Jealous?
10:54I don't know, who is, who is Bernie Inn?
11:02You've never heard of Bernie Inn?
11:05He's the most famous steakhouse proprietor in the whole world.
11:07Well, I'm sorry, Alan, uh, maybe Peter Ustinov should get together with Bernie Inn and, uh, open a steakhouse, you know, have a steak, talk about philosophy.
11:20Yeah, that's a good idea.
11:21They could call it, uh, Pete and Bernie's philosophical steakhouse.
11:27Good idea.
11:28Actually, Philippe, what you were saying earlier about your restaurant having no name,
11:32I was thinking that another figure who would have been amused by that is, of course, uh, René Magritte.
11:35No French.
11:36He was Belgian.
11:37Same thing.
11:42You like that one, Alan?
11:44Hmm, it's quite nice, quite chewy.
11:47What is it?
11:48It's beef.
11:50What sort of beef?
11:52Bull.
11:54What, what, what part of the bull?
11:57It's a gland.
12:03How, how, how many, how many, how many of this gland, how many of this gland does it have?
12:13Two.
12:13Ladies and gentlemen, Philippe Lambert.
12:22Are you all right?
12:23It's time once again for Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Another Alan Partridge,
12:41a regular feature of the series where I meet a person who shares my name, Alan Partridge.
12:45Alan Partridge.
12:46This week, we had to find a French Alan Partridge.
12:49That has proved impossible.
12:50But the French for Partridge is Perdri.
12:53So we scoured the countryside for an Alain Perdri.
12:56We found one.
12:57He's a lorry driver from Marseille.
12:59He's visited England twice on various deliveries.
13:01I've not got the details.
13:03But he's here tonight.
13:04Please welcome Alain Perdri, French for Alan Partridge.
13:08Knowing Me, Alan Partridge, Knowing You, Alain Perdri, Another Alan Partridge.
13:21Aha.
13:21Now, in honour of the fact that you share my name, I'm very pleased to present you
13:28with an Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack.
13:32Well done.
13:37Well done.
13:38C'est quoi?
13:40Sorry?
13:41C'est quoi?
13:42Oh, right.
13:44C'est un tie, un tie, tie.
13:47Et un blazer, badge pour un blazer.
13:51You stitch that on.
13:53No, don't take that out, please.
13:56And they come together in a bois, a box, in a combination pack.
14:00Uh, c'est pourquoi?
14:03Because it just does.
14:08I don't know why I explained that.
14:10Now, also, to celebrate the new spirit of cooperation between our two nations,
14:16I have had a special painting commissioned by a Norwich-based artist.
14:22For my French viewers, Norwich is the Provence of Great Britain.
14:25Um, it's the best of British, the best of France, it's a bulldog with frog's legs.
14:32I don't understand.
14:43Why can't you just take it and go?
14:44Allé, Alain Perdri, Alain Perdri, Alain Perdri.
14:47I don't like these chairs.
14:59By the way, if you're wondering where my normal furniture is, it's in Nîmes.
15:04Why?
15:04I don't know.
15:05Ask the French hauliers.
15:06Alain, uh, are you growing a moustache?
15:11No.
15:12Really?
15:13No.
15:14No.
15:15Yes, yes, yes, I am.
15:16Yes, I'm growing a moustache.
15:17Is that a beard?
15:18Hmm?
15:18Because I can't tell whether it's a beard or you just haven't shaved, you see?
15:21Hmm?
15:21At least I'm honest, at least I'm admitting that I'm trying to grow a moustache.
15:24All right, all right.
15:25Don't get at me.
15:27Wasn't my fault you ate a testicle.
15:29Uh, if you remember, I spat it out.
15:34Ah, yes, but there was another one.
15:36No, all, no, all I had earlier was some spinach and a vol-au-von.
15:42It was in the vol-au-von, yeah, very, very clever.
15:48And now it's time for...
15:50No, that's me.
15:50Yes, sorry.
15:51And now it's time for some light relief.
15:54If I were to say clown time is over, I'd be lying,
15:58because it's time now to send in the clowns.
16:02And I'm sure we won't be seeing the tears of a clown,
16:06because I'm told they're hilarious.
16:07I haven't seen them myself.
16:09Please welcome this year's winner of the Pompidou Prix de Joie Cirque des Clunes.
16:14Circus of Clowns.
16:28Circus of Clowns.
16:43Hawk!
16:45BING!!!
16:47BING!!!!
16:49имости!!!
16:52HAAAAA!
16:53HAHAHA!
16:55YAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
16:58HEA!
17:00HEA!
17:02HEA!
17:03HEA!
17:06OH!
17:08HEA!
17:09OH NO!
17:12No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
17:36Cirque de Clue! Cirque de Clue!
17:50Grow up! Grow up!
17:59Cirque de Clues, yes.
18:06Cirque de Clue!
18:08Right, now listen, listen.
18:09Hang on, I presume you're in charge.
18:11Let me tell you something, right?
18:14There's a security guard backstage called Steve, right?
18:18Now, I promise you, if you make another sound,
18:21when you leave this area, he will hurt you.
18:23He will hurt you physically.
18:27Cirque de Clue...
18:30Cirque de Clue...
18:32I haven't broken wind.
18:34I haven't broken wind, that's them.
18:37Cirque de Clue will be doing a tour of art centres in Britain.
18:40I'm sure there'll be plenty of tickets available.
18:46You're a disgrace.
18:49Cirque de Clue.
18:50Sanity.
19:00What are you doing there?
19:01What are you doing?
19:02You get out!
19:03Why is he still here?
19:05Can we...
19:06Can someone remove this clown, please?
19:09Where's Steve?
19:10Is he...?
19:11He's backstage.
19:12No, he'll get him after.
19:13He'll get him after.
19:14I'll do... I'll do it standing up.
19:23I hope my next guest doesn't suffer from...
19:27I'll do it here, I'll do it here.
19:29I'll do it here.
19:30I'll do it here.
19:31I hope my next guest doesn't suffer from vertigo.
19:36Because she's at the height of her profession.
19:40She's a top international fashion designer who hails from Lancashire.
19:45Let me just say...
19:46Let me just say...
19:47You look stupid.
19:48You look stupid, not me.
19:50Right, I'll do it on...
19:51I'll do it on three.
19:52I'll do it on three.
19:54She's a top international fashion designer from Lancashire in the north of England.
19:57Right, no, I'm sorry.
19:58I can't...
19:59Sorry.
20:00Nina, can you...
20:01Yes, Alan?
20:02Can you get rid of him, please?
20:03Sorry, Alice.
20:04Toto, my friend.
20:05He's a little bad.
20:06He's not so bad.
20:07He's not so bad.
20:08He's not so bad.
20:09Sorry about this.
20:10Sorry about this.
20:11Sorry about this.
20:12There he goes.
20:13There he goes.
20:20There he goes.
20:21Tail between his legs.
20:23Steve is coming out!
20:27I hope my next guest doesn't suffer from vertigo, because she's at the height of her profession.
20:35So, what did you say to him to get rid of him?
20:38Oh, no, it's not necessary to translate.
20:40No, seriously, I want to know.
20:41No, you don't need to know.
20:42No, you know the contract.
20:43I command you to tell me.
20:46Very well.
20:47I told him that you are completely out of your depth with a creative artist of his calibre,
20:51and that lack of experience makes you unable to cope with the situation in a professional way.
21:01I hope my next guest doesn't suffer from vertigo, because she's at the height of her profession.
21:07You don't need to do it now.
21:08She arrived yesterday from London on the train because she doesn't like flying.
21:13She really does suffer from vertigo.
21:15And she caught the train from Waterloo.
21:17Please welcome fashion guru Yvonne Boyd.
21:20Who came from Waterloo.
21:22Oh, that's very important.
21:23APPLAUSE
21:46Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you Yvonne Boyd.
21:49Aha.
21:50Do you want me to say aha?
21:52Yes, please.
21:53Aha.
21:55I'm a big fan of your clothes.
21:57I must say the outfit you're wearing tonight is wonderful.
21:59I really love it.
22:00Yeah, I didn't know that as well as doing fashion, you also do pantomime.
22:06What do you mean?
22:07I presume you're Widow Twanky.
22:11No.
22:12Are you an ugly sister?
22:13Alan, these are Yvonne's clothes.
22:16I'm sorry, I thought you did pantomime.
22:18No, I don't do pantomime.
22:20Well, maybe you should, you know.
22:22I mean, you've got the clothes.
22:24And without wanting to be vulgar, the money is very good.
22:28It's very good.
22:29In fact, I'll tell you something.
22:31Last Christmas, I was in two pantomimes.
22:33I was in Norwich and Colchester as Mother Goose.
22:37And, in fact, I had to travel from one theatre to the other in my goose suit.
22:41It was quite hectic, you know.
22:43But believe me, at the end of the season, I quite literally laid a golden egg.
22:47It's worth considering.
22:50It's worth considering.
22:51Peter Pan, Widow Twanky, buttons.
22:54Come out.
22:56Yvonne, can you talk us through the thinking behind this magnificent outfit you're wearing?
23:02Well, it's a sort of fin de siècle ghost in the machine.
23:07Is that the distributor cap of a Ford Mondeo?
23:11I've absolutely no idea.
23:12Let's have a look.
23:15Yes, yes it is.
23:16Do you drive a Ford Mondeo?
23:17No.
23:19I don't drive.
23:20I don't like cars.
23:21She doesn't drive, she doesn't fly, doesn't do pantomime.
23:24What do you do?
23:26I design clothes.
23:28Is that all?
23:29Yes.
23:30Well, that's interesting.
23:32Because, whereas you're a master of one trade, I like to think of myself as an Alan of all trades.
23:38And I've got a bit of a surprise for you, Yvonne, in this, a new regular section of the show called Alan's Trades, in which I demonstrate a trade that I'm an Alan of.
23:50This week's Alan trade is fashion.
23:54Now, I'm not Giorgio Armani.
23:57I'm Alan Partridge.
23:58But, but my name has become associated with a certain look.
24:03A look I define as sports casual.
24:07Yvonne.
24:08Yvonne, tell me, tell me what you think as we look at a Partridge in Paris.
24:13A Partridge in Paris. Alan Partridge in Paris.
24:17The first look is what you'd wear to drive to Paris.
24:20It's called Cruiser Arriviste.
24:22Canary yellow shirt.
24:23Horizon blue stay crease action slacks.
24:25Cap.
24:26Polaroids.
24:27Tan string back driving gloves.
24:30It's a look that says, I'm in control of my vehicle.
24:35Who's this cool customer?
24:37Ice white shoes.
24:38Ice white socks with navy blue double cadet stripe.
24:41A pair of shorts.
24:42T-shirt with chevron action flash.
24:45Long do sport.
24:47Man of sport.
24:49The tossed pink sweater that says, I'm in Paris and nothing's gonna stop me.
24:54That's, that's the Eiffel Tower.
24:57The classic English gentleman abroad.
24:59It's David Niven.
25:00It's Stuart Granger.
25:02It's Nigel Habers.
25:03It's a green blazer.
25:04The look, imperial leisure.
25:08Offset the look with those four old reliables, cravat, hat, summer spectacles and for a touch of class, the Alan Partridge blazer badge.
25:14A lot of people have asked me about the blazer badge.
25:18Well, I'll describe it in, in the top right, sorry, I'll, I'll do it next week.
25:23I'll do it next week.
25:25The place, Champs-Élysées.
25:27The man, Alan Partridge.
25:29The look, strolling pastel.
25:31A classic summer suit with the emission of long trousers.
25:36A Partridge in Paris.
25:37Well, tell me what you think. Shoot from the hip.
25:47Alan, you are to the world of fashion what Peter Ustinov is to the world of philosophy.
25:52Yvonne, is fashion a necessity of culture or a cultural necessity?
25:59Oh, hang on.
26:03It appears to be happy hour at Pete and Bernie's philosophical steakhouse.
26:09I think you're rather rude, actually, because Nina's asked a very interesting question.
26:14What I think is that fashion is a necessity of culture, because really, clothes are just things that cover up our mutual nakedness.
26:21I mean, you know, underneath our clothes, we're all of us naked.
26:25Even you, Alan.
26:27No, I'm not.
26:30Yes, of course you are.
26:32No, I'm not, I've got underwear.
26:33Yes, but underneath your underwear, you are naked.
26:36No, I'm not.
26:38Of course, you have your buttocks.
26:40Oh, yes, here we go.
26:42I was, I was wondering how long it would take before this show descended into some French hidden buttock agenda.
26:47Alan, all we are saying is that underneath your clothes, you are naked.
26:51No, I'm not.
26:53Now...
26:55Now, Yvonne, we're about to see some clothes from your menswear collection.
27:00Now, the theme of my collection was sports casual.
27:04Now, bearing in mind that Pete and Bernie's philosophical steakhouse is closed,
27:10what's the theme of your collection?
27:12The futility of mortality.
27:15Why do I bother?
27:17Bring, bring on the models.
27:19Bring on the models.
27:21Right, well, the first model is Tor.
27:24Tor's...
27:26Tor's cap and shorts are made of bandages and his linen jacket has got real surgical stitching on it.
27:35He's also got a little truss on which is a sort of ironic bum bag.
27:40Is this man injured?
27:42No, the whole collection is based on images of hospitalisation.
27:48Right, so the idea is, you've had an operation, you want to look good on the ward, that's what you wear?
27:53No. No, they're for wearing anywhere. You wear them on the street.
27:59He's wearing slippers.
28:01Sorry, the only man I know who wears slippers on the street is called Dougie.
28:05He wanders round Norwich shopping precinct with a Cornish pasty in his hand, shouting,
28:12get away, it's a bomb.
28:14He's insane.
28:16Well, maybe he's sane and we're all mad.
28:19Anyway, the next model...
28:23And the next one is Newman.
28:26With...
28:28Newman's got a more formal look.
28:31That's beautiful, Yvonne.
28:33Thank you, thank you.
28:35And here, you see, I've broken up the classic lines of the suit with a saline drip attached to an umbrella.
28:43And with a pair of brogues, one of which is orthopaedic.
28:48He looks like he's been in a car crash.
28:52The final model, who's coming on now, is Matt.
28:56Now, here I'm playing with ideas of constriction and freedom.
29:01So, just as the plaster boots here impede, the bandage kilt liberates.
29:06This waistcoat covered in corn plasters.
29:11Are they used?
29:13Oh, for goodness sake.
29:14Of course not. Don't be so ludicrous.
29:16Sorry, I'm being told I'm ludicrous by Mrs. Whippyhead.
29:19Well, that's the end of my collection.
29:28Yvonne, it's a triumph.
29:34Sorry, I'm...
29:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:38Sorry, I'm...
29:40I'm confused. I've got to ask a couple of questions.
29:41Um, this man here, what's this round his midriff?
29:44It's a blood bag.
29:46What if it bursts?
29:48Will you mop it up?
29:49What with? What with?
29:51With the eye patch. It's not a problem.
29:54I mean, what if your nose bleeds?
29:56You know, what if your arm bursts?
29:58What if your arm bursts?
30:03What?
30:04What if your arm bursts?
30:06That's right, I've heard of a nosebleed, but...
30:09In...
30:11In my 14 years of professional broadcasting,
30:14including three years as a hospital radio disc jockey,
30:17I've never had anyone come up to me and say,
30:21my arm's just burst.
30:23Could you play a dedication?
30:25You've just got me on here to...
30:29It's meant to be witty.
30:31I'll show you. I will show you.
30:33You with the orthopaedic shoe.
30:34What's his name?
30:35Newman.
30:36Newman.
30:37You just walk up here, and then walk back again.
30:40Easy as you like.
30:45That man has no dignity.
30:47But what is dignity?
30:50Right.
30:52That...
30:53That is dignity.
30:56More or less.
31:00No one will wear these clothes.
31:02They look rubbish.
31:05Ordinary people do not like those clothes.
31:08I like those clothes.
31:09I like them too.
31:10You're not ordinary, you're French.
31:13Glenn, Glenn, me old mate, Glenn.
31:15Those clothes, are they rubbish or what?
31:17I like them.
31:19Quite nice.
31:20What?
31:22You traitor.
31:24There stands Judas Ponder.
31:27Check in his pockets, you'll find 30 pieces of silver.
31:31Except you won't, because he spent them all last night at the Folly Berger.
31:34Yeah.
31:37What are you two staring at?
31:39You lot of our Steptoe wives.
31:44I think you mean the Stepford wives.
31:47I thought you French were good at chatting.
31:48I thought that's all you did all day.
31:49Sitting outside your brasseries.
31:51Sipping your cappuccinos.
31:52Chomping on onions and going oh hee ho hee ho.
31:54Oh, come on.
31:55Well, now you're just being racist.
31:57That is not racist.
31:58French people chomp on onions and go oh hee ho hee ho.
32:01That's a fact.
32:03Well, we've come to the end of the show.
32:08I've enjoyed it very much.
32:09I like to think that our two nations are perhaps slightly closer together
32:13than they were at the beginning of the show.
32:15And that can only be a good thing.
32:17It simply remains for me to thank my co-host Nina.
32:20It's been a pleasure.
32:22You doing anything interesting tonight?
32:23No, I don't think so.
32:24Not after last night.
32:25I'm too exhausted.
32:27Well, what did you do last night?
32:29I went to the Folly Berger.
32:30You were there.
32:31That's a coincidence.
32:32That's where Glenn Fonda went.
32:33I was there too.
32:34Yvonne?
32:35I was there.
32:36You were?
32:37My models were there.
32:39Who else was there?
32:40Glenn invited us all.
32:41The clowns, they were there.
32:42The clowns?
32:43Yes, your security guard, Steve, he was there.
32:47Believe it.
32:48Yes, he's good friends with the clowns, I believe.
32:51The band were there as well.
32:53The band?
32:55You, accordion man, were you there?
32:57No.
32:59Everyone except you, Alan.
33:02Glenn, why didn't you invite me?
33:04I left a message.
33:06Right, Glenn, I'm going to ask you a question.
33:09And I want you to give me an honest and truthful answer.
33:13Did you leave a message for me last night?
33:16No.
33:22Quite honestly, Alan, I didn't think they'd let you in.
33:24You know, there was a sign outside there saying,
33:26no jeans, no trainers, no sports casual wear.
33:33Glenn.
33:36It's just a joke.
33:38Just a joke.
33:39Here's a good joke.
33:40Here's a good joke.
33:41You'll like this one.
33:42There's this bloke called Glenn Ponder.
33:44He's playing jazz synthesizer in a Norwich wine bar.
33:48In walks Alan Partridge.
33:49Alan gives him a big break on national television.
33:53Glenn's pleased.
33:54Glenn gets lippy.
33:55Glenn gets the sack.
34:00What do you mean?
34:01You're sacked.
34:03You are sacked.
34:04I'm sacking you.
34:06In fact, it's happened.
34:07It's over.
34:08It's already happened.
34:09You're sacked, ma'am.
34:10You've been sacked.
34:12You're the subject of a sacking.
34:13I want you off these premises in ten minutes.
34:15Knowing me, Alan Partridge, sacking you, Glenn Ponder.
34:20Aha!
34:23And on that bombshell,
34:25it's time for me to say,
34:26knowing me, Alan Partridge,
34:28knowing you, monsieur testicle,
34:30knowing you, pantomime cow,
34:32and knowing you, mus ah-hee-ha-hee-ha.
34:35Good night.
34:36Arrivederci and aha!
34:39Not you!
34:40Not you!
34:41Not you!
34:42Not you!
34:43Just you!
34:44Not you!
34:45Not you!
34:46Not you!
34:47Not you!
34:48Not you!
34:49Not you!
34:50Not you!
34:51Not you!
34:52Not you!
34:53Not you!
34:54Not you!
34:55Not you!
34:56Not you!
34:57Not you!
34:58Not you!
34:59Not you!
35:00Not you!
35:01Not you!
35:02Not you!
35:03Not you!
35:04Not you!
35:05Not you!
35:06Not you!
35:07Not you!
35:08Not you!
35:09Not you!
35:10Not you!
35:11Not you!
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