- 7 weeks ago
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😹
FunTranscript
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00:10Knowing me, knowing you, aha, there is nothing we can do.
00:15Knowing me, knowing you, aha, we just have to face it and turn with you.
00:24Knowing me, knowing you, aha!
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02:55I
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03:03I wish to dissociate myself from this act,
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03:22That said, if you do want to buy one, they really are great fun.
03:26And they're available in the shops right now and at service stations.
03:29I'm told they're particularly popular with students. That's lovely.
03:31So buy one today and give your neighbours a fright.
03:34Sneak up on them.
03:35But don't stalk them or mug them.
03:37Just frighten them in a friendly way.
03:40Well, it's time now to meet and greet my resident house band,
03:43Glenn Ponder and Bangkok.
03:52Glenn, I'm pleased you've seen sense and decided to cancel your court action.
03:59Very impressive.
04:01And it means that I've no fear now of saying,
04:05knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, aha.
04:09And knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Bangkok, aha.
04:14Glenn, I'm in a bit of bother this week.
04:17I've got a confession to make.
04:18I actually stabbed a senior academic to death in my kitchen.
04:21Really? Who was that?
04:22Professor Plum. I was playing Cluedo.
04:26But seriously, Glenn, I believe you've just had a new kitchen fitted.
04:31Is that right?
04:31Yeah, yeah, that's right.
04:33What prompted that?
04:34Well, my boyfriend's a bit of a cordon bleu.
04:38It was his idea, really.
04:41His idea.
04:42I didn't know.
04:43Take me down, please.
04:44Yeah, well, he needed a bit more space, you know.
04:48So what the hell? Let they splash out.
04:50Yeah, that's all right. Conversation's finished now.
04:54You can come round for a meal sometime.
04:55No, thanks.
04:58Don't try. You'd be very welcome.
04:59No, that's all right.
05:00Can we get this quicker?
05:02So I'm going to, I'll jump, I'll jump the last couple of feet,
05:05if that's right.
05:07Glenn Ponder and Bangkok!
05:08That was the music for Pearl and Dean.
05:27We all know it, we all love it, we all admire it.
05:31My next guests are not Pearl and Dean.
05:33They're called Scott and Dean.
05:35But they are connected with cinema.
05:37That's why I just sang the Pearl and Dean song.
05:40They are two brothers who produce, write, direct and star in their own movies.
05:44And who swept through Hollywood like a plague of locusts shouting action.
05:49If you can imagine such a thing.
05:51They're two of Tinseltown's big shots.
05:53Which is quite ironic, really, since they're both under 4 foot 10.
05:56You'll see what I mean when I welcome Scott and Dean McLean.
05:59APPLAUSE
06:00Oh, yabba-dabba-doo.
06:19Hey, can you do that?
06:23Lovely.
06:26Knowing me, Alan Portage, knowing you, Scott McLean.
06:28Uh-huh.
06:29Uh-huh.
06:29Good lad, he's done it.
06:30Well done.
06:31Lovely lad.
06:31And, uh, see if you can do it now, Dean.
06:34Get ready.
06:35Knowing me, Alan Portage, knowing you, Dean McLean.
06:37Uh-huh.
06:38Uh-huh.
06:39Bye, George, he's got it.
06:40Good lad.
06:41Fabulous.
06:41Lovely.
06:42OK, you've just flown in from L.A.
06:44Did you enjoy the flight?
06:46It was a pain in the ass.
06:47Right, let's move on.
06:50Next question.
06:51Dean, how old are you?
06:52I'm 11.
06:5311?
06:53Big lad, big lad.
06:55And, uh, Scott, how old are you?
06:57I'm nine.
06:58Just coming up the big one-on.
06:59What?
07:0210.
07:02One zero.
07:03I'm going to be 10.
07:05Great, lovely.
07:06And, uh, are you looking forward to your birthday?
07:08I guess when you hit double figures, you've got to take time out to look around.
07:12Ask yourself some pretty serious questions.
07:15Right, like what?
07:16Am I satisfied?
07:19Where am I going?
07:20What do I want?
07:22Well, uh, uh, and, uh, what do you want?
07:24A space hopper?
07:26A Meccano set?
07:28Or do you want a Batmobile?
07:31Believe me, this guy, he wants it all.
07:33Well, I can't get you that.
07:36But I can get you a da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
07:42There you go.
07:43Lovely.
07:43And I don't want Dean to feel left out. He's looking a bit grumpy there.
07:48So there you go, Alan Partey's mask.
07:51Lovely.
07:55What are you laughing at?
07:58My face? You shouldn't laugh at my face.
07:59No, it's not the mask.
08:02It's the Batmobile. What's wrong with it?
08:05We don't mean to be rude. It's just that last week Tim Burton, he directed Batman.
08:09Yeah, I know he is.
08:11He gave us the actual Batmobile used in the movie.
08:14What, the full size? With all the gadgets.
08:17Well, you can stick that on the dashboard.
08:20The Batmobile is so cool, I'm going to drive it all around the estate.
08:24Right, yeah, when I was ten I got batting a ball.
08:27I used to play with that round the estate.
08:31It was attached by a piece of elastic, so you could kind of bat it and it sort of bat back and forth.
08:36You know, it really was quite, in the bat and ball world it was state of the art.
08:41And do you still have it, Alan?
08:43No, it was taken off, stolen from me by a boy called Stephen McComb.
08:49A big lad, he used to bully everyone.
08:50He just threw it in the canal.
08:53And I remember I told the teacher, I said, Stephen McComb threw it in the canal.
08:55And she said, don't tell tales, don't be a sneak.
08:58Where's the justice in that?
08:59You've got to let these things go, Alan.
09:00Yeah, you're right.
09:01Right, where was I?
09:02A new movie.
09:03Yes, thank you.
09:04Thanks, Dean.
09:05I like you.
09:06What about me?
09:07Yes.
09:08Now, the new movie, you're shooting it here in Britain at the moment.
09:09It's an action thriller called Interface.
09:10Tell us about that.
09:11That's right.
09:12It's dealing with that whole virtual reality CD-ROM paranoia.
09:14Yeah, yeah, that whole paranoia.
09:15Yeah.
09:16And so this bloke, CD-ROM, how CD is he?
09:18What?
09:19CD-ROM, how CD is he?
09:20What?
09:21CD-ROM, how CD is he?
09:22CD-ROM.
09:23What?
09:24CD-ROM.
09:25What?
09:26CD-ROM.
09:27It's a computer process, which allows you to interface with visual information on compact
09:29devices.
09:30It's an action thriller called Interface.
09:31It's an action thriller called Interface.
09:32Tell us about that.
09:33That's right.
09:34It's dealing with that whole virtual reality CD-ROM paranoia.
09:35Yeah, yeah, that whole paranoia.
09:36Yeah.
09:37And so this bloke, CD-ROM, how CD is he?
09:39What?
09:40CD-ROM.
09:41How CD is he?
09:42CD-ROM.
09:43What?
09:44CD-ROM.
09:45It's a computer process, which allows you to interface with visual information on compact
09:52this format.
09:53Right.
09:54CD-ROM's got a compact disc player.
09:55Jesus Christ.
09:56Excuse me.
09:57Can I ask you to watch your language?
09:59So, tell us about Bruce Willis.
10:02I understand you fired him only three weeks into filming.
10:05Yeah, that's right.
10:06We had a difference of opinion.
10:07What was that?
10:08He thought it was cool.
10:09We thought he was an asshole.
10:10Okay.
10:11Well, what about me?
10:13Yeah, you're an asshole too.
10:15No, no.
10:16Yeah, there you go.
10:17No, I mean, Bruce Willis.
10:18Do you think I could take over from Bruce Willis?
10:20I can do American accent.
10:22I'm CD-ROM.
10:23I'm going to gun you down.
10:24Sorry, Adam.
10:25We've just asked Harrison Ford.
10:27Yeah, it was a joke.
10:29Hang on a minute.
10:30In the movie, Sharon Stone's got a British husband.
10:33Yeah, that's right.
10:34Maybe he could do it.
10:35Yeah.
10:36What?
10:37What?
10:38Really?
10:39Sure.
10:40Fly over to LA next week.
10:43Yeah, well, yeah, I could do that.
10:45I'm supposed to be doing a sales conference for Nabisco at the Birmingham Metropole.
10:49But I could get Nick Owen to do that.
10:52He owes me one.
10:53But you've got to understand, it's only a supporting role.
10:58I have done acting.
10:59I was Mother Goose in Ipswich, unfortunately.
11:04And I did do a commercial for Fords of Norwich.
11:07I don't know if you've seen it.
11:08Really?
11:09Yeah, it was a 30-second commercial.
11:10It was on the garage forecourt and I was surrounded by Ford Granadas.
11:14And I'll do it for you.
11:15I'll simply stand up and say, I'm Alan Partridge and Fords of Norwich are driving me crazy.
11:21That's good.
11:22That's good.
11:23It's a bit of fun, but it shows that I can handle big screen action.
11:26Alan, it was a joke.
11:31We were only joking.
11:32You can't be in an action movie.
11:35It's too old.
11:36I'm younger than Harrison Ford.
11:37You look older.
11:38Yeah, well I was joking too.
11:42So the joke's on you.
11:43I started the joke.
11:44No, we started the joke.
11:47No, I started the joke.
11:48Great.
11:49One big happy joke.
11:50Yeah, one big happy joke that I started.
11:52No, you didn't.
11:53Yes, I did.
11:54Look, this is getting childish.
11:56Yeah, why don't you grow up?
11:58What, like you?
11:59No, just act your age.
12:01He's only nine years old.
12:03Just coming off the big one-off.
12:05Yes, very good.
12:06Very clever.
12:07Look, the point is, I started the joke, now I've finished it.
12:10The trouble with you Americans is, you haven't got a sophisticated sense of humour.
12:15Quite frankly.
12:16Have you heard of Robin's Nest?
12:18Not got a clue.
12:19You haven't got a clue.
12:20Look, you're three times as old as us, and we're 50 times as rich as you, and a hundred
12:27times as talented, and you don't like it.
12:31Why don't you get a life?
12:33I've got a life, why don't you get one?
12:36Why don't you go and play Tig or something?
12:38What kind of a life have you had?
12:39I've had a very successful one.
12:41Last month, I was voted Man of the Moment by TV Quick Magazine.
12:45Yeah, shut up, right?
12:47In 1988, I was Sports Reporter of the Year for Radio Norwich.
12:50Oh, big time, huh?
12:51Yeah, it is big time, actually, yes.
12:53And ten years ago, I was broadcasting highly complex traffic information to the whole of
12:58the East Anglia region when you were just a fetus.
13:01Think about that.
13:02Oh, your breath is gross.
13:04I have not got bad breath.
13:06It's like something's died in your mouth.
13:08Nothing has died in my mouth.
13:10I'm out of partridge.
13:11My mouth's a chemical gum.
13:13I'm just...
13:15That is it.
13:16I'm confiscating that.
13:18I'm confiscating this.
13:19You're getting that.
13:20Okay?
13:21You're not having it.
13:22Oh!
13:23Oh, God!
13:24God!
13:25Get security!
13:26I shouldn't be doing this.
13:27Christ!
13:28Sorry.
13:29You should be in a bloody borstal!
13:31Any further questions?
13:33No.
13:34Can we go now?
13:35Yes.
13:36Scott and Dean MacLean!
13:38I'm Alan Parker!
13:39I'm Alan Parker!
13:40Oh!
13:41Oh!
13:42Oh!
13:43Oh!
13:44Oh!
13:45Oh!
13:46Oh!
13:47Oh!
13:48Oh!
13:49Oh!
13:50Oh!
13:51Oh!
13:52Oh!
13:53Oh!
13:54Oh!
13:55Oh!
13:56Oh!
13:57Oh!
13:58Oh!
13:59Would you like to have dinner?
14:01With other women, you've got to keep your distance.
14:03Best not get involved.
14:04Just be pleasant.
14:06I'm talking about those women who, until the last century,
14:09were confined to the island of Lesbos.
14:13In other words, lady lesbians.
14:16That's what my next guests are.
14:18Yes?
14:19Next week, this show will be replaced by a new series for lesbians
14:22called Off the Straight and Narrow.
14:24Quite clever, that.
14:25And it will be hosted by my next guests.
14:27I've been told by the BBC to have them on to promote their show,
14:30which I think is a good idea.
14:33I can't...
14:34I can't...
14:35I can't tell you what's going to be in their show.
14:37That's their job.
14:38So let's hear it from the horses' mouths.
14:40Please welcome
14:42Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon.
14:44Diddly-dit-dit-dee.
14:45Two ladies.
14:46Diddly-dit-dit-dee.
14:47Two ladies.
14:48Diddly-dit-dit-dee.
14:49Two ladies.
14:50Diddly-dit-dee.
14:51Two ladies.
14:52Diddly-dit-dee.
14:53Two ladies.
14:54Diddly-dit-dee.
14:55And I'm the only man-yah.
14:58Diddly-dit-dee.
14:59Diddly-dit-dee.
15:00Diddly-dit-dee.
15:01Diddly-dit-dee.
15:02Two ladies.
15:07Diddly-dit-dee.
15:08Two ladies.
15:10Diddly-dit-dee.
15:11Diddly-dit-dee.
15:12And I'm the only man-yah.
15:15Diddly-dit-dee.
15:17I like it.
15:18Diddly-dit-dee.
15:20They like it.
15:21Diddly-dit-dee.
15:23This two-four-one.
15:25Ba-dom, ba-dom, bom.
15:26My bad.
15:29I'm sorry, that was misjudged. I'm sorry then.
15:33Knowing me, Alan Partridge. Knowing you, Wanda Harvey.
15:37Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And knowing me, Alan Partridge. Knowing you, Bridie McMahon.
15:41Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Bridie McMahon. Bridie McMahon.
15:45Lovely name. That's a kind of name you imagine
15:49an Irish flame-haired, fiery woman to have in a film with John Wayne.
15:53Just imagine him saying, Bridie McMahon, I'll have you over my knee and give you six of the best.
15:57And you'd be saying, you'd be saying,
15:59Oh, I'll have nothing to do with you. Keep your hands to yourself.
16:03You know, but of course, in the end, you marry him.
16:05And, uh, but of course that's not gonna happen. You're a lesbian.
16:09And, uh, you're, you're Wanda.
16:13Um, Wanda, I was just thinking, actually, if you married, uh, Glenn, you know what your name would be, don't you?
16:17Wanda Ponda.
16:19But, um, that's, that's not gonna happen because, uh,
16:23you're, uh, you know, and so's he.
16:25I don't want to get bogged down in this whole nest of gay vipers.
16:31Have you, uh, you got a question?
16:32Yes, yes. First question. What's it like to be a lesbian?
16:35Well, you're asking us to sum up the experience of millions of women in one media-friendly soundbite.
16:41If you could.
16:43Well, I can't.
16:45Well, you're gonna have to, love, if you wanna make it as a TV presenter.
16:49Well, with all due respect, considering we have a series which runs for 24 weeks, I think we could...
16:5324 weeks? I've only got six.
16:55Well, perhaps the BBC thinks our show's gonna be four times as good as yours.
16:59No, they don't.
17:05Now, you two. You're both lesbians, we know that. I don't mind. It's not a problem.
17:09Does it bother you when you hear people use these slang expressions?
17:13What slang expressions are you referring to?
17:16You know, the usual.
17:17Uh, lesbos, lesers.
17:20Lesby friends.
17:22Dykes, bull dykes.
17:24Dick van dykes.
17:26Spare rib ticklers.
17:28Cat flaps.
17:30Pussy footers.
17:32Knicker pickers.
17:34Men.
17:35Backpackers.
17:37Tent peggers.
17:38Trout fishers.
17:40Melon farmers.
17:41Quick fit fitters.
17:43Baggage handlers.
17:44And, uh, left luggage.
17:46Do those names hurt?
17:47Where are you getting all these names from, Alan?
17:49Just names?
17:50Yeah, that you and the guys thought up in the office?
17:52No, we didn't think them all up.
17:53I mean, uh, lesers and dykes. Can't take the credit for those.
17:56Um, but, uh...
17:58Okay, now, let's talk about your show.
18:00Because I've got to.
18:02Um...
18:03Now, tell us, what's it about?
18:05Well, next week, Jeanette Winderson will be reviewing the latest gay fiction.
18:09And, uh, this should interest you, Alan. We have a women's football team.
18:12Yeah.
18:13And also, in the next show, we have Kitty Mayhew from the British Museum.
18:16She'll be looking at some Etruscan earthenware depicting early gay iconography.
18:20Fantastic!
18:21Are you interested in gay?
18:23No, no, no, no. I've just realised an anagram of, uh, Alan Partridge.
18:26His great drain pal.
18:30You can get the word Pratt out of Partridge, too.
18:33Yeah, I know.
18:34And Alan is an anagram of anal.
18:36Yeah.
18:39I'm not aware of that.
18:40So, uh, anal dirge Pratt.
18:43I didn't know that. That's a good one.
18:45It's a very good one.
18:46I've, uh, been trying to think of one for, uh, Glenn Ponder.
18:50Yeah.
18:51So, uh, if you can help me out there, that'd be good.
18:53Um, now, your new show.
18:55Porn Legend.
18:56Sorry?
18:58Porn Legend.
18:59It's an anagram of Glenn Ponder.
19:00Yes, you're absolutely, yes, you're absolutely right.
19:02Glenn, are you a porn legend?
19:04Well, my boyfriend thinks so.
19:05Yeah, all right.
19:06I don't think so.
19:07I don't think so.
19:08Um, that's...
19:10Um, don't want to get bogged down in the whole gay hornet's nest.
19:13Um, tell us a bit more about your show.
19:16Well, we're also having features on, uh, gay holidays on Virago Press.
19:20Uh, we'll be looking at mortgages for lesbian couples.
19:24Are you a couple?
19:25I hope that you're not assuming because we're both lesbians, we're an item.
19:28No, no, no, no.
19:29But, uh, are you?
19:31No, absolutely not.
19:32We used to be.
19:33Ooh.
19:34Ooh.
19:36We went out for a while.
19:38We were passionately involved for three years.
19:40Now we're cooking.
19:41Turn it up.
19:42It was, it was fun while it lasted.
19:46It was as if the surf rolled over us and we were sheltering beneath the wings of a great bird.
19:52Lovely, lovely.
19:53Now, of course, you're sheltering beneath the wings of a great partridge.
19:58Not, not literally.
19:59That would be hideous.
20:01Um, but something out of Jason and the Argonauts.
20:03Um, the new program's called Off the Straight and Narrow.
20:07It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it?
20:09Well, we call it O-T-S-A-N or O-T-S-A-N for short.
20:12Nearly an anagram of Satan.
20:13Carry on.
20:15Yeah, Alan, it's just an abbreviation like you abbreviate this show to K-M-K-Y.
20:19No, no, no.
20:20That's not its full title.
20:21Its full title is K-M-K-Y-W-A-P.
20:24Or K-M-K-W-A-P as someone in the office of the way.
20:27It's the kind of thing you might expect a Red Indian to say to Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves, isn't it?
20:31K-M-K-W-A-P.
20:33Me, big chief chatting partridge.
20:35K-M-K-W-A-P.
20:36Aha.
20:39It also sounds a bit like a moist toilet tissue, a K-M-K-Y-W-A-P.
20:43Yeah, yeah, can't argue with that.
20:45I could wipe myself with a K-M-K-Y-W-A-P and throw it down my great drain pal.
20:51After cleaning your anal dirge, Pratt.
20:54Yeah, that's just offensive.
20:56I wouldn't worry about it, Alan. No one's watching.
20:59Yes, they are.
21:00You've been losing one million viewers a week.
21:03Yes, all right, I admit it.
21:04There's been some sort of a conspiracy to deprive me of viewers.
21:08And I'll tell you who's behind it.
21:09Your mates, that lot upstairs.
21:12The Mr and Mrs of BBC Two.
21:14They don't like me.
21:15They've all been to Oxbridge University, wherever that is.
21:19They all wander around in their baggy linen suits and their flip-flops,
21:22saying, oh, look at me, I work for BBC Two.
21:24Do you like my glasses?
21:25They're like John Lennon's.
21:27I load these people.
21:29Every week, just before I'm about to go on air,
21:30a whole bank of them come into the studio and say,
21:32you can't do that, you can't say this, you can't say that.
21:34Get out!
21:36I wish all of you BBC Two people would get on a bus
21:39and just drive over a cliff.
21:42I'd happily be the driver.
21:48That said, good luck with the series.
21:51Please sit around for my next guest.
21:53Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon.
21:57Two ladies.
21:58Did-de-de-de-de-de.
21:59Well, let's take a break from all this chat
22:06and have a little light relief.
22:0915 years ago, I was on a Ho Seasons holiday in Bournemouth
22:13and I went to the summer cabaret.
22:15It was pretty mediocre.
22:18Then one man came on and raised the roof.
22:21He made me laugh quite literally like a drain.
22:24After the show, I went backstage and I said to him,
22:27I'm Alan Partridge.
22:28If I ever get my own TV series,
22:30I promise to give you a big break.
22:32Remember, this is 15 years ago.
22:34Well, tonight I intend to honour that pledge
22:36by introducing a very special entertainer.
22:39Hold on to your sides, they might just split.
22:43As I welcome on Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey.
22:57Well, it's a great privilege to be here on the Alan Partridge Show,
23:00knowing me, knowing you,
23:01and I was thinking to myself in the dressing room,
23:03that's another song, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
23:04So here's a little joke, right?
23:05What do you get if you cross Fred Flintstone?
23:07No, not what if you cross.
23:08What do you get if you...
23:09What does a Swedish Fred Flintstone say?
23:12Yabba-dabba-doo!
23:13No, he says...
23:14Yabba-dabba-doo!
23:15Yabba-dabba-doo!
23:16Yabba-dabba-doo!
23:17That's what it says.
23:18So, then, the other week,
23:40the other week, me and Cheeky Monkey
23:42went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach, right?
23:44And at Blackpool Pleasure Beach,
23:45I don't know if you know this, ladies and gentlemen,
23:47and girls, but you've got the biggest roller coaster in the world. It's massive, isn't it?
23:50And we went up the Big Dipper. Oh, God. We went up the Big Dipper, and we were on the Big Dipper,
23:58right, and we're going about 200 miles an hour, 200 miles an hour on the Big Dipper,
24:04and we go on the Big Dipper, right, and we come round the corner, and Cheeky Monkey, right, he...
24:09We're on the Big Dipper, right? No. Oh, you Cheeky Monkey. He's made me forget.
24:21It's his fault, ladies and gentlemen. He's made me forget. He made... Oh, he's always doing that,
24:27ladies and gentlemen. He's made me forget. Forget the joke there. Cheeky, you Cheeky Monkey. Cheeky,
24:32Cheeky Monkey. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey.
24:39Thank you. Well done.
24:43Joe, I think you've been... I think you've been, uh, I think you've been very brave.
24:48There's more to you, Alan. There's plenty more. It's fine. Just a little mistake there.
24:51I don't think it's working. Just a little mistake. I should apologise to Cheeky Monkey.
24:54Look, he's upset. It's not real. You're upset. Oh, look, he's upset him, ladies and gentlemen.
24:58It's not real. Don't touch it!
25:03I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You've got a big problem.
25:06If you've got any sense of dignity... This is... Well, your act is... Your act is really poor.
25:12If you've got any sense of dignity, you'll leave the stage. I'll make sure you get a round of applause.
25:15Now, come on. Quick while you're ahead. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful
25:19Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey.
25:30Um, my final guest in this show and of the series has dined with Fidel Castro, President Kennedy, Mikhail Gorbachev and Bing Crosby.
25:40He's one of the most feared, respected and opinionated men in Great Britain.
25:46He is, of course, the restaurant critic of The Spectator magazine.
25:50He's had more free dinners than I've had hot dinners.
25:53In... In Who's Who, under his list of hobbies, it really does say, food, food, glorious food, and wine.
26:03He's just recovered from a double heart bypass operation.
26:06Please welcome raconteur and bon viveur, Forbes McAllister.
26:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:30This is the last time I'm ever going to do this. So, you know the form.
26:34Yes, I've seen the show. Right.
26:36Um, let's make it a good'un. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you...
26:39Ah-ha.
26:40You just ruined it. It was the last time.
26:42Hello, lesbians.
26:47Right, now, you were in the papers.
26:48Where's your moustache? What?
26:50You had a moustache last week. Made you look like a spiv.
26:54Yes, I shaved it off. It didn't suit me.
26:56No, no, no. Made you look like a Lebanese pimp.
27:00As I said, it didn't suit me. It did.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:05Right. Now, Forbes, um, you were in the papers yesterday
27:09because you were at Sotheby's for an auction
27:12in which you paid over £100,000 for the personal effects of Lord Byron,
27:17which we've got here. I'm going to bring them forward.
27:19Um, these are the personal artefacts of Lord Byron, £100,000 worth.
27:23That's a lot of money. You must be a big fan of Byron's.
27:25No, I can't stand him. Big ponce with a club foot.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:30So why have you bought all his bits?
27:31Because Michael Winner was bidding for them.
27:35And I hate him even more than I hate Byron.
27:38Ended up with all this junk, got Byron's lock of his stupid hair.
27:41You want to look at that, Lesa?
27:43LAUGHTER
27:45Manuscript of some of his rubbish poems.
27:48Want to look at some rubbish?
27:50Be careful, they're valuable.
27:51But this is what Michael really wanted to get his greasy hands on.
27:56Lord Byron's duelling pistols.
28:00Michael, I've got the pistols.
28:05Can I ask you a question?
28:05Are you entirely motivated by hatred?
28:10Yes, I think I am.
28:12It's rather perceptive of you.
28:15I hate you.
28:19Um, Wanda Bridie, do you like Byron?
28:21Hey, Tim.
28:22Yes, actually, I adore Byron.
28:23I find his work powerful and moving.
28:25It speaks to me like the sea in a shell.
28:28Lovely. You really do have a lovely voice.
28:30Yes, it's very beautiful, if I may say so.
28:33I could fall in love with you if you put a bag over your head.
28:38Please, Forbes.
28:40I hate you.
28:43Not as much as I hate you, then.
28:47Forbes, we have a bit of a surprise for you.
28:49We know that when you were a child growing up in Scotland,
28:52you used to love the sound of the bagpipes.
28:54So, will you please welcome the Balmoral Highland Pipers?
28:58Forbes, what do you say, what do you think?
29:02Someone's number one bagpiping combo.
29:22Forbes, what do you say? What do you think?
29:24I used to throw stones at pipers. I hate them.
29:27They're Scotland's number one bagpiping combo.
29:30Combo I mean they've been on how do they do that?
29:35And say I like the bagpipes yes, yes, I would if you all right, I love the bagpipes
29:40I love the screeching wheezing rasping din they make be careful with that. Oh
29:48My god
29:50What happens now
29:54It's not my fault it wasn't
29:56I didn't know it was loaded. I didn't know it was loaded. There is no need to have it. I didn't know it was loaded
30:01It's not my fault
30:04Is he all right? I'm afraid he's dead. Give it cover him up cover him up
30:15Right I'm the executive producer you're fired you're fired. What you just killed a man
30:26Get the pipers back on we're carrying on get the pipers back on
30:32back on
30:33Ladies and gentlemen, this is knowing me knowing you with Alan Partridge. It's a live show
30:39In a live television anything can happen. I don't know if you remember blue peter when the elephant
30:45Um
30:47Made a mess on the studio floor ironically. It was in this very studio tonight. I might I've made a mess
30:52I can't deny it you saw it there. You saw it here first another exclusive for knowing me knowing you with Alan Partridge or or Kim Kuwap
31:00Just as that as a packet of Kim Kuwap's help clear up a mess. I'm
31:04I'm gonna help clear up this mess. So
31:06Might I be the first to offer my condolences to the family of
31:10Forbes Glenn McAllister
31:14But he's at peace now he went out like a light and he wouldn't have suffered he wouldn't have suffered I shot him straight through the heart
31:21Well, it's time to close the show and the series in the way that Forbes would have wanted with the malmoral highland pipers playing us out
31:30together with my
31:31wonderful wonderful guests and of course the Alan Partridge playmates and very lovely they are
31:36Um, I'll I think I'll have to speak to the police. They're here now. They're waiting for me in the ring
31:41Knowing me Alan Partridge knowing you the police uh-huh
31:46We're chatting with you uh in a short while
31:49Um in the meanwhile enjoy the rest of the show what's left officers
31:52Um so so on that fatal bombshell it simply remains for me to say goodbye for the last time
31:58By the way if any of you are in Manchester on the 17th of next month
32:00I'm opening a new texas home care so why don't you uh pop along it should be a lot of fun
32:05Um for now this is me Alan Partridge saying knowing me Alan Partridge knowing you whoever you may be
32:10Uh-huh
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