00:00I'll see you next time.
00:30Oh! Oh! Oh! Blackadder! Blackadder!
00:39Your Highness.
00:40What time is it?
00:42Three o'clock in the afternoon, Your Highness.
00:44Oh, thank God for that. I thought I'd overslept.
00:46I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir.
00:49Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened.
00:53Last night, I was having a bit of a snack at the naughty Hellfire Club,
00:56and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
01:01Oh, an absurd suggestion, sir.
01:03You're right, it is absurd.
01:04Unless, of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey.
01:09See, if only I'd thought of saying that.
01:11Well, that is so often the way, sir, too late one thinks of what one should have said.
01:15Sir Thomas More, for instance, burned alive for refusing to recant his Catholicism.
01:20Must have been kicking himself as the flames licked higher,
01:23that it never occurred to him to say, I recant my Catholicism.
01:28Well, yes, you see.
01:29Only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger.
01:33And it wasn't until ages later that I thought how clever it would have been
01:36to have said, oh, bugger off, you old fart!
01:39I need to imprint my mind, Blackadder.
01:42I want people to say, that George, why,
01:45he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill.
01:47And how do you suggest this miracle is to be achieved, Your Highness?
01:51Easy!
01:52I shall become best friends with the cleverest man in England.
01:56That renowned brain box, Dr Samuel Johnson,
01:58has asked me to be patron of this new book that I intend to accept.
02:02Would this be the long-awaited dictionary, sir?
02:05Who cares about the title, as long as there's plenty of juicy murders in it?
02:08I hear it's a masterpiece.
02:09No, sir, it is not.
02:11It's the most pointless book since How to Learn French was translated into French.
02:16You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you, Blackadder?
02:22Good Lord, sir, not at all.
02:24In fact, I'd never heard of him until you mentioned him just now.
02:27But you do think he's a genius?
02:29No, sir, I do not.
02:31Unless, of course, the definition of genius in his ridiculous dictionary
02:34is a fat dullard or wobble-bottomed,
02:37a pompous ass with sweaty dewflap.
02:43Well, close shave there, then.
02:45Lucky you warned me.
02:47I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom.
02:50I'm delighted to have been instrumental in keeping your bosom free of arses.
02:55Bravo!
02:56Don't want to waste my valuable time with wobble-bottoms.
02:59Fetch some tea, will you, Blackadder?
03:01Certainly, sir.
03:01Oh, and make it two cups, will you?
03:03That splendid brain box, Dr Johnson's coming round.
03:05Ha!
03:11Something wrong, Mr B?
03:12Oh, something's always wrong, Balders.
03:16The fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat
03:19with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant nigger.
03:23But today, something's even wronger.
03:26That globulus fraud, Dr Johnson, is coming to tea.
03:29I thought he was the cleverest man in England.
03:31Baldrick, I'd bump into cleverer people
03:33at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots.
03:37That's not what you said when you sent him your navel.
03:40Novel, Baldrick, not navel.
03:43I sent him my novel.
03:46Well, novel or navel,
03:47it sounds a bit like a bag of grapefruits to me.
03:50The phrase, Baldrick,
03:51is a case of sour grapes.
03:53And yes, it bloody well is.
03:55I mean, he might at least have written back,
03:56but no, nothing.
03:58Not even a dear Gertrude Perkins,
04:00thank you for your book,
04:01gets stuffed Samuel Johnson.
04:04Gertrude Perkins?
04:05Yes, I gave myself a female pseudonym.
04:08Everybody's doing it these days.
04:10Mrs Radcliffe,
04:11Jane Austen.
04:12What, Jane Austen's a man?
04:14Of course.
04:15A huge Yorkshireman
04:16with a beard like a rhododendron.
04:19Oh, quite a small one, then.
04:21Well, compared to Dorothy Wordsworth,
04:23certainly.
04:24James Boswell is the only real woman
04:26writing at the moment,
04:27and that's just because
04:28she wants to get inside Johnson's britches.
04:31Perhaps your book really isn't any good.
04:33No, codwollop.
04:34It's taken me seven years,
04:36and it's perfect.
04:37Edmund,
04:38a butler's tale.
04:39A giant rollercoaster of a novel
04:42in 400 sizzling chapters.
04:45A searing indictment
04:46of domestic servitude
04:47in the 18th century
04:48with some hot gypsies thrown in.
04:51My magnum opus, Boric.
04:53Everybody has one novel in them,
04:55and this is mine.
04:56And this is mine.
04:59My magnificent octopus.
05:02This is your novel, Boric.
05:04Yeah, I can't stand long books.
05:07Once upon a time,
05:08there was a lovely little sausage
05:09called Boric.
05:12And it lived happily ever after.
05:16It's semi-autobiographical.
05:18And it's completely, utterly awful.
05:21Dr Johnson will probably love it.
05:24Oh, speak of the devil.
05:27Well, I'd better go
05:28and make the great doctor comfortable.
05:31Let's just see how damn smart
05:33Dr Fatty know-it-all really is.
05:36Oh, and prepare a fire
05:37for the prince, will you, Boric.
05:38What shall I use?
05:39Oh, any old rubbish will do.
05:41The paper's quite good.
05:42Here, try this for starters.
05:47Enter.
05:49Dr Johnson, Your Highness.
05:50Ah, Dr Johnson.
05:52Damn cold day.
05:53Indeed it is, sir,
05:54but a verified one.
05:55For I celebrated last night
05:57the encyclopedic implementation
05:58of my premeditated orchestration
06:00of Dermotic Anglo-Saxon.
06:05Nope, didn't catch any of that.
06:07Well, I simply observed, sir,
06:08that I'm felicitous,
06:09since during the course
06:10of the penultimate solar sojourn,
06:12I terminated my uninterrupted categorisation
06:15of the vocabulary
06:16of our post-Normantime.
06:19Oh, I don't know what you're talking about,
06:23but it sounds damn saucy,
06:24you wicked thing.
06:25I know some fairly liberal-minded girls,
06:27but I've never penultimated
06:28any of them in that solar sojourn.
06:31If I had to have been given
06:31any Norman tongue.
06:36I believe, sir,
06:37that the doctor is trying to tell you
06:39that he is happy
06:39because he has finished his book.
06:41It has apparently taken him
06:43ten years.
06:44Yes, well,
06:45I'm a slow reader myself.
06:46Here it is, sir,
06:52the very cornerstone
06:53of English scholarship.
06:55This book, sir,
06:56contains every word
06:57in our beloved language.
06:59Oh, every single one, sir?
07:01Every single word, sir.
07:03Well, in that case, sir,
07:04I hope you will not object
07:05if I also offer the doctor
07:07my most enthusiastic
07:08contrafamiliarities.
07:11What?
07:13Contrafamiliarities, sir?
07:14It is a common word
07:15down our way.
07:17Damn!
07:18Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
07:20I'm an aspeptic,
07:22phrasmotic,
07:23even compunctuous
07:26to have caused you
07:26such pericombobulation.
07:29What?
07:30What?
07:31What are you all about, Blackadder?
07:32This is all beginning to sound
07:33a bit like Dago talk to me.
07:35I'm sorry, sir.
07:36I merely wished
07:37to congratulate the doctor
07:38on not having left out
07:39a single word.
07:42Shall I fetch the tea,
07:43Your Highness?
07:43Yes, yes.
07:44And get that damn fire up here,
07:45will you?
07:46Certainly, sir.
07:47I shall return
07:48interfrastically.
07:53So, Dr. Johnson,
07:55sit you down.
07:56Now, this book of yours,
07:57tell me,
07:58what's it all about?
07:59It is a book
08:00about the English language, sir.
08:02I see.
08:03And the hero's name is what?
08:04There is no hero, sir.
08:07No hero?
08:09Well, lucky I reminded you.
08:10Better put one in pronto.
08:12Call him George.
08:13George is a good name for a hero.
08:15Now, what about heroines?
08:16There is no heroine, sir,
08:18unless it is our mother tongue.
08:20The mother's the heroine.
08:22Nice twist.
08:23How far have we got, then?
08:24Old mother tongue
08:25is in love with George, the hero.
08:27Now, what about murders?
08:28Mother tongue doesn't get murdered,
08:29does she?
08:30No, she doesn't.
08:31No one gets murdered
08:32or married
08:32or in a tricky situation
08:34over a pound note.
08:35Well, now, look, Dr. Johnson,
08:38I may be as thick
08:39as a whale omelette,
08:40but even I know
08:41a book's got to have a plot.
08:44Not this one, sir.
08:45It is a book
08:46that tells you
08:46what English words mean.
08:48I know what English words mean.
08:50I speak English.
08:52You must be a bit of a thicko.
08:54Perhaps you would rather
08:54not be patron of my book
08:56if you can see no value
08:57in it whatsoever, sir.
08:58Well, perhaps so, sir,
08:59as it sounds to me
09:00as if my being patron
09:01of this complete cowpat
09:03of a book
09:03will set the seal
09:04once and for all
09:05on my reputation
09:06as an utter turnip head.
09:08Well, it is a reputation
09:10well dessert, sir.
09:11Farewell.
09:15Leaving already, Doctor?
09:17Not staying for your
09:18appendage-statery interludesville?
09:22No, sir.
09:22Show me out.
09:24Certainly, sir.
09:25Anything I can do
09:26to facilitate
09:26your velocitous extramuralisation.
09:29You will regret this doubly, sir.
09:32Not only have you
09:33impeculiated
09:34my dictionary,
09:35but you have also
09:36lost the chance
09:37to act as patron
09:38to the only book
09:39in the world
09:39that is even better.
09:41Oh.
09:41And what is that, sir?
09:43Dictionary 2?
09:45The return
09:46of the killer dictionary?
09:48No, sir.
09:49It is Edmund,
09:50a butler's tale
09:51by Gertrude's parents.
09:53A huge rollercoaster
09:54of a novel
09:55crammed with sizzling gypsies.
09:59Had you supported it, sir,
10:00it would have made you
10:01and me
10:02and Gertrude
10:03millionaires.
10:05Millionaires.
10:07But it was not for me, sir.
10:09I fare you well,
10:10I shall not return.
10:12Excuse me, sir.
10:13Uh, Dr. Johnson.
10:16A word, I beg you.
10:18A word with you, sir,
10:19can mean
10:19seven million syllables.
10:21You might start now
10:22and not be finished
10:22by bedtime.
10:23Oh!
10:24Blast my eyes!
10:25In my fury
10:26I have left my dictionary
10:27with your foolish master.
10:28Go fetch it, will you?
10:29Sir,
10:30the prince is young
10:31and foolish
10:32and has a peanut
10:33for a bread.
10:35Give me just a few minutes
10:36and I will deliver
10:37both the book
10:37and his patronage.
10:39Oh, will you, sir?
10:40I very much doubt it.
10:42A servant who was
10:43an influence for the good
10:44is like a dog
10:45who speaks
10:46very rare.
10:47I think I can change
10:48his mind.
10:49Well, I doubt it, sir.
10:51A man who can change
10:51a prince's mind
10:52is like a dog
10:53who speaks Norwegian
10:54even rarer.
10:56I shall be at
10:57Mrs. Miggins'
10:57literary salon
10:58in 20 minutes.
11:00Bring the book there.
11:02Your Highness,
11:03may I offer
11:03my congratulations?
11:04Well, thanks, Black Adam.
11:05That pompous baboon
11:07won't be back in a hurry.
11:08Oh, on the contrary, sir.
11:10Dr. Johnson left
11:11in the highest of spirits.
11:12What?
11:13He is utterly thrilled
11:14at your promise
11:14to patronise
11:16his dictionary.
11:17Told him to sod off,
11:18didn't I?
11:20Yes, sir,
11:20but that was a joke.
11:22Surely.
11:23Was it?
11:24Certainly.
11:25And a brilliant one,
11:26what's more?
11:28Yes, yes.
11:29I, you know,
11:30I suppose it was rather,
11:31wasn't it?
11:32So may I deliver
11:33your note of patronage
11:34to Dr. Johnson,
11:35as promised?
11:36Well, of course.
11:37If that's what I promised,
11:37then that's what I must do.
11:39And I remember
11:39promising it distinctly.
11:41Excellent.
11:42Nice fire, Baldrick.
11:43Thank you, Mr. B.
11:44Right.
11:44Let's get the book.
11:46Now, Baldrick,
11:47where's the manuscript?
11:49You mean the big papery thing
11:51tied up with string?
11:52Yes, Baldrick,
11:52the manuscript
11:53belonging to Dr. Johnson.
11:55You mean the baity fellow
11:56in the black coat
11:57who just left?
11:58Yes, Baldrick,
11:59Dr. Johnson.
12:00So you're asking
12:01where the big papery thing
12:03tied up with string
12:04belonging to the
12:05baity fellow
12:05in the black coat
12:06who just left is?
12:08Yes, Baldrick,
12:09I am.
12:10And if you don't answer,
12:11then the booted,
12:12bony thing
12:13with five toes
12:14on the end of my leg
12:15will soon connect sharply
12:17with a soft,
12:18dangly collection
12:19of objects
12:19in your shape.
12:22For the last time,
12:24Baldrick,
12:24where is Dr. Johnson's
12:26manuscript?
12:27On the fire.
12:29What the what?
12:29The hot, orangey thing
12:31under the stony
12:32magnet.
12:34You've burnt
12:35the dictionary?
12:36Yes.
12:37You've burnt
12:38the life's work
12:39of England's
12:39foremost man of letters?
12:41Well, you did say
12:42burn any old rubbish.
12:44Yes, fine.
12:45Isn't it a bit difficult
12:47for me to patronise
12:48this book
12:49if we burnt it?
12:51Yes, it is.
12:53If you would
12:53excuse me a moment.
12:54Of course, of course.
12:55Now I've got my lovely fire,
12:57I'm as happy
12:57as a Frenchman
12:58who's invented
12:58a pair of self-removing
13:00trousers.
13:01Baldrick,
13:01would you join me
13:02in the vestibule?
13:08We are going
13:09to go to Mrs. McGinn's.
13:10We're going to find out
13:11where Dr. Johnson
13:12keeps a copy
13:12of that dictionary
13:13and then you
13:14are going to steal it.
13:15Me?
13:15Yes, you.
13:16Why me?
13:17Because you burnt it,
13:18Baldrick.
13:18But then I'll go to hell
13:20forever for stealing.
13:21Baldrick.
13:22Believe me,
13:23eternity
13:24and the company
13:25of Beelzebub
13:26and all his
13:26hellish instruments
13:27of death
13:28will be a picnic
13:29compared to five minutes
13:30with me
13:31and this pencil.
13:34If we can't
13:35replace this dictionary.
13:37Now, come on.
13:37Oh, love-lorn ecstasy
13:40that is Mrs. McGinn's.
13:42Will thou bring me
13:43but one cup
13:43of the brownie juicings
13:45of that naughty bean
13:46we call coffee
13:47ere I die?
13:48Oh!
13:50Oh, you do have a way
13:51of words with you,
13:52Mr. Shelley.
13:53To hell with this
13:54fine-talking coffee woman.
13:56My consumption
13:57grows ever more acute
13:58and Coleridge's drugs
14:00are wearing off.
14:01Oh, Mr. Byron,
14:03don't be such a big
14:03girl's blouse.
14:07Don't forget
14:08the pencil board.
14:09Oh, I certainly won't, sir.
14:13Ah, good day
14:14to you, Mrs. Mickens.
14:16A cup of your best
14:17hot water
14:18with brown grit in it.
14:20Unless, of course,
14:21by some miracle
14:21your coffee shop
14:22has started selling coffee.
14:24Be quiet, sir!
14:25Can't you see we're dying?
14:27Don't you worry
14:28about my poets,
14:29Mr. Blackadder.
14:29They're not dead.
14:31They're just being
14:31intellectual.
14:33Mrs. Mickens,
14:34there's nothing intellectual
14:35about wandering around
14:36Italy in a big shirt
14:37trying to get laid.
14:38Why are they here
14:39of all places?
14:40We are here, sir,
14:41to pay homage
14:42to the great Dr. Johnson,
14:44as, sir, should you.
14:45Oh, well, absolutely.
14:46Um, I intend to.
14:48Uh, you wouldn't happen
14:49to have a copy
14:49of his dictionary
14:50on you, would you,
14:50so I can do some revising
14:52before he gets here.
14:53Friends!
14:54I am returned.
14:56Hooray!
14:57So, sir,
14:58how was the prince?
14:59The prince was
15:00and is an utter fool
15:02and his household
15:03filled with
15:03cretinous servants.
15:07Good afternoon, sir.
15:08And you are
15:09the worst of them, sir.
15:10After all your boasting,
15:12have you my dictionary
15:12and my patronage?
15:14Not quite.
15:15The prince begs
15:16just a few more hours
15:17to really get
15:18to grips with it.
15:19Bah!
15:20Bah!
15:21However,
15:21I was wondering
15:22if a lowly servant
15:23such as I
15:23might be permitted
15:24to glance at a copy.
15:26Copy?
15:27Copy?
15:28There is no copy, sir.
15:30No copy?
15:30No, sir.
15:32Making a copy
15:32is like fitting
15:33wheels to a tomato.
15:34Time-consuming
15:35and completely unnecessary.
15:38But what if the book
15:39got lost?
15:40I should not lose
15:41the book, sir.
15:42And if any other man
15:43should,
15:44I would tear off
15:45his head
15:45with my bare hands
15:46and feed it
15:47to the cat!
15:50Well,
15:50that's nice and clear.
15:52And I,
15:53Lord Byron,
15:54would summon
15:54a fifty of my men,
15:56lay siege
15:57to the pharaoh's house
15:57and do bloody
15:58murder on him.
16:00And I would not rest
16:01until the criminal
16:02was hanging by his hair
16:03with an oriental
16:04disemboweling cutlass
16:05thrust up his ignoble
16:07behind.
16:09I hope you're listening
16:09to all this boring.
16:15Sir,
16:16I have been unable
16:17to replace
16:17the dictionary.
16:18I am therefore
16:19leaving immediately
16:20for Nepal,
16:21where I intend
16:22to live as a goat.
16:25Why?
16:26Because if I stay here,
16:29Dr Johnson's companions
16:30will have me
16:30brutally murdered, sir.
16:32Good God, Blackadder,
16:33that's terrible!
16:34Do you know
16:35any other butlers?
16:37And of course,
16:38when the people discover
16:38that you have burnt
16:39Dr Johnson's dictionary,
16:41they may go around
16:42saying,
16:42look,
16:43there's thick George,
16:44he's got a brain
16:45the size of a weasel's
16:46wedding tackle.
16:47Well, in that case,
16:50something must be done.
16:52I have a cunning plan, sir.
16:55Hurrah!
16:56Well, that's that, then.
16:57I wouldn't get
16:58over-excited, sir.
17:00I have a hard suspicion
17:01that Baldrick's plan
17:02will be the stupidest
17:03thing we've heard
17:04since Lord Nelson's
17:06famous signal
17:07at the Battle of the Nile.
17:09England knows
17:10Lady Hamilton
17:10is a virgin.
17:12Poke my eye out
17:13and cut off my arm
17:14if I'm wrong.
17:15Oh, great!
17:18Let's hear it, then.
17:20It's brilliant.
17:22You take the string,
17:24that's still not
17:24completely burnt,
17:26you scrape off the soot
17:27and you shove
17:29the pages in again.
17:31Which pages?
17:32Well, not the same ones,
17:34of course.
17:34Yes, I think I'm on the point
17:35of spotting the flaw
17:36in this plan.
17:38But do go on.
17:40Which pages are they?
17:41Well, this is the brilliant bit.
17:43You write some new ones.
17:46Some new ones.
17:47You mean rewrite
17:48the dictionary.
17:49I sit down tonight
17:50and rewrite
17:51the dictionary
17:52that took Dr. Johnson
17:53ten years.
17:54Yep.
17:55Baldrick,
17:56that is by far
17:57and away
17:57and without a shadow
17:58of doubt
17:59the worst
18:00and most contemptible
18:01plan in the history
18:02of the universe.
18:04On the other hand,
18:05I hear the sound
18:07of disembowelling
18:08cutlasses
18:08being sharpened.
18:10That's the only plan
18:11we've got.
18:11So if you will
18:12excuse me, gentlemen.
18:13Perhaps you'd like me
18:14to lend a hand, Blackadder.
18:15I'm not as stupid
18:16as I look.
18:17I am as stupid
18:18as I look, sir.
18:20But if I can help,
18:21I will.
18:22Well, it's very kind
18:23of you both,
18:23but I fear
18:24your services
18:24might be as useful
18:25as a barbershop
18:26on the steps
18:27of the guillotine.
18:28Come on, Blackadder.
18:30Give us a try.
18:32Very well, sir.
18:33As you wish.
18:34Let's start
18:34at the beginning,
18:35shall we?
18:35First, A.
18:36How would you define
18:38A?
18:39Oh, I love this.
18:40I love this.
18:41Quizzes.
18:42Hang on, it's coming.
18:43A.
18:44Ooh, crikey.
18:45Um.
18:46Oh, yes, I got it.
18:47What?
18:48Well, it doesn't
18:49really mean anything,
18:50does it?
18:52Good.
18:53So we're well
18:53on the way, then.
18:56A.
18:57Impersonal pronoun
18:58doesn't really mean anything.
19:01Right, next.
19:02A.
19:02A, B.
19:03Um, A, B.
19:05Well, it's a buzzing
19:06thing, isn't it?
19:07A.
19:08Buzzing thing.
19:10I mean, something
19:12that starts with A, B.
19:14Honey?
19:15Honey starts with A, B.
19:17You're right, you know,
19:18Blackadder, honey
19:19does start with a B.
19:20And a flower, too.
19:21Yes, look,
19:21this really isn't
19:22getting anywhere.
19:23And besides,
19:24I've left out aardvark.
19:26Oh, well,
19:26can't say we didn't
19:27give it a try.
19:28No, Your Highness,
19:28it was a brave stab,
19:30but I fear I must
19:31proceed on my own.
19:32Now, Baldrick,
19:33go to the kitchen
19:33and make me something
19:34quick and simple
19:35to eat, would you?
19:35Two slices of bread
19:36with something in between.
19:37What, like Gerald
19:38Lord Sandwich
19:39had the other day?
19:40Yes, a few rounds
19:41of Gerald's.
19:51How goes it, Blackadder?
19:52Not all that well, sir.
19:54Well, let's have a look.
19:56Medium-sized insectivore
19:58with protruding nasal implement.
20:03Doesn't sound much
20:03like a B to me.
20:05It's an aardvark!
20:06Can't you see that,
20:06Your Highness?
20:07It's a bloody aardvark!
20:10Dear,
20:10still on aardvark, are we?
20:12Yes, I'm afraid we are.
20:13And if I ever meet
20:14an aardvark,
20:15I'm going to step on
20:16its damn protruding
20:17nasal implement
20:18until it couldn't suck up
20:19an insectivore
20:20and its life depended on it.
20:21A bit stuck, have you?
20:23I'm sorry, sir.
20:24It's five hours later
20:25and I've got
20:26every word in the English language
20:27except A in aardvark
20:29still to do.
20:30And I'm not very happy
20:31with my definition of either.
20:34Well, don't panic, Blackadder,
20:35because
20:35I have some rather good news.
20:38Oh.
20:39What?
20:39Well, we didn't take no
20:41for an answer
20:41and have, in fact,
20:42been working all night.
20:44I've done B.
20:45Really?
20:46And how have you got on?
20:47Well, I had a bit of trouble
20:48with belching,
20:50but I think I got it
20:51sorted out in the end.
20:53Oh, no!
20:54There I go again!
20:59You've been working
21:00on that joke for some time,
21:01haven't you?
21:02Well, yes, I have,
21:04as a matter of fact, yes.
21:04Since you started, in fact.
21:05Basically.
21:06So, in fact,
21:06you haven't done any work at all?
21:07Not as such, no.
21:09Right.
21:10Baldrick,
21:11what have you done?
21:12I've done C and D.
21:14Right, let's have it, then.
21:16Right.
21:17Big blue wobbly thing
21:19that mermaids live in.
21:23C.
21:26Yes.
21:28Tiny misunderstanding, still.
21:31My hopes weren't high.
21:33No, and what about D?
21:34I'm quite pleased with dog.
21:36Yes, and your definition of dog is?
21:38Not a cat.
21:42Excellent.
21:46Excellent.
21:47Your Highness,
21:48may I have a word?
21:49Certainly.
21:50As you know, sir,
21:51it has always been my intention
21:52to stay with you
21:53until you had a strapping son
21:54and I one likewise
21:55to take over the burdens
21:57of my duties.
21:57That's right, Blackadder,
21:58and I thank you for it.
21:59But I'm afraid, sir,
22:00that there's been a change of plan.
22:01I'm off to the kitchen
22:02to hack my head off
22:03with a big knife.
22:05Oh, come on, Blackadder.
22:07It's only a book.
22:09Let's just damn the fellow's eyes,
22:11strip the britches from his backside,
22:13and warm his heels to Putney Bridge.
22:15Hurrah!
22:16Sir, these are not the days
22:18of Alfred the Great.
22:19You can't just lop someone's head off
22:20and blame it on the Vikings.
22:22Can't I, my God?
22:23No.
22:25Oh, well, all right,
22:25then we'll just get on with it.
22:26I mean, boil my brains.
22:28It's only a dictionary.
22:29No one's asked us
22:30to eat ten raw pigs for breakfast.
22:33Good Lord, I mean,
22:34we're British, aren't we?
22:36You're not, you're German.
22:39Get me some coffee, boy.
22:41If I fall asleep before Monday,
22:43we're doomed.
22:47Mr Blackadder,
22:49time to wake up.
22:50What time is it?
22:51Monday morning.
22:53Monday morning?
22:54Oh, my God, I've overslept.
22:56Where's the quill?
22:56Where's the parchment?
22:57I don't know.
22:58Maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him.
23:00What?
23:01He's outside.
23:02Ow!
23:03Are you ill, sir?
23:04No, you can't have it.
23:05I know I said Monday,
23:06but I want Baldrick to read it,
23:08which, unfortunately,
23:09will mean teaching him to read.
23:11Which will take about ten years.
23:13But time well spent, I think,
23:14because it's such a very good dictionary.
23:16I don't think so.
23:17Oh, God, we've been burgled!
23:20What?
23:21I think it's an awful dictionary,
23:23full of feeble definitions
23:24and ridiculous verbiage.
23:26I've come to ask you
23:26to chuck that damn thing in the fire.
23:29Are you sure?
23:30I've never been more sure
23:31of anything in my life, sir.
23:32I love you, Dr Johnson,
23:34and I want to have your babies.
23:35Sorry, excuse me, Dr Johnson,
23:41but my Auntie Marjorie's just arrived.
23:44Baldrick,
23:44who gave you permission
23:45to turn into an Alsatian?
23:48Oh, God,
23:49it's a dream, isn't it?
23:51It's a bloody dream.
23:54Dr Johnson doesn't want us
23:55to burn his dictionary at all.
23:58Monday morning.
24:09Monday morning?
24:10Oh, my God, I've overslept.
24:11Where's the quill?
24:12Where's the parchment?
24:13I don't know.
24:14Maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him.
24:16What?
24:16He's outside.
24:18No, hang on.
24:20Hang on.
24:20If we go on like this,
24:22you're going to turn into an Alsatian again.
24:23Oh, my God.
24:27Quick, Baldrick,
24:28we've got to escape.
24:29No, sir,
24:29without the dictionary at once.
24:31Bring it out, sir.
24:32In my passion,
24:33I shall kill everyone
24:34by giving them syphilis.
24:35Bring it out, sir.
24:36And also any opium plants
24:38you may have around there.
24:39Bring it out, sir.
24:40We shall break down the door.
24:42Hi, good morning.
24:43Dr Johnson?
24:44Where is my dictionary?
24:46And what dictionary would this be?
24:48The one that has taken 18 hours
24:49of every day
24:50for the last 10 years.
24:52My mother died,
24:53I hardly noticed.
24:54My father cut off his head
24:55and fried it in garlic
24:56in the hope of attracting my attention.
24:58I scarcely looked up from my work.
25:00My wife brought armies of lovers
25:01to the house
25:02who worked in droves
25:03so that she might bring up
25:04a huge family of bastards.
25:06I cannot.
25:09Am I to presume
25:09that my elaborate bluff
25:11has not worked?
25:12Dictionary.
25:13Right.
25:13Well, the truth is, doctor,
25:14now, don't get cross,
25:16don't overreact.
25:16The truth is,
25:17we burnt it.
25:18Then you die.
25:21Morning, everyone.
25:22You know,
25:23this dictionary
25:23really is a cracking good read.
25:26It's an absolutely splendid job.
25:28My dictionary?
25:30But you've said you burnt it.
25:32I think it's a splendid book
25:33and I look forward
25:34to patronising it enormously.
25:36Oh, well, thank you, sir.
25:37Well, I think I'm man enough
25:38to sacrifice the pleasure of killing
25:40to maintain the general good humour.
25:42There's to be no murder today.
25:44Yes, monsieur.
25:45But repair to Mrs Miggins.
25:46I shall join you there later
25:48for a roister
25:48you will never forget.
25:51So, tell me, sir,
25:53what words particularly
25:55interested you?
25:56Oh, nothing.
25:58Anything, really.
25:58I see you underlined a few.
26:02Bloomers, bottom, burp.
26:07Fart, fiddle, fornicate.
26:09Sir, I hope you are not using
26:10the first English dictionary
26:11to look up rude words.
26:13I wouldn't be too hopeful.
26:15That's what all the other ones
26:16will be used for.
26:18Sir, can I look up turnip?
26:20Turnip isn't a rude word, Baldrick.
26:22It is if you sit on one.
26:24Really, sir?
26:25Do we have more important
26:26business in hand?
26:27I refer, of course,
26:28to the works of the mysterious
26:30Gertrude Perkins.
26:32Mysterious?
26:32No more, sir.
26:33It is time for the truth.
26:35I can at last reveal
26:36the identity of the great
26:37Gertrude Perkins.
26:39Sir, who is she?
26:40She, sir, is me, sir.
26:42Sir, I am Gertrude Perkins.
26:44Good Lord!
26:45And what's more,
26:46I can prove it.
26:47Bring out the manuscript
26:48and I will show you
26:49that my signature
26:50corresponds exactly
26:51with that on the front.
26:53Why, I must have left it here
26:54when I left the dictionary.
26:55This is terribly exciting.
26:58That's my novel.
27:00Your novel?
27:01Yes, Baldrick,
27:01the big papery thing
27:02tied up with string.
27:03What?
27:04Like the thing we burnt?
27:05Exactly like the thing we burnt.
27:07So, you're asking
27:08for the big papery thing
27:10tied up with string
27:11exactly like the thing we burnt?
27:13Exactly.
27:15We burnt it.
27:17So we did.
27:19Thank you, Baldrick.
27:21Seven years of my life
27:22up in smoke.
27:23Your Highness,
27:24would you excuse me a moment?
27:25By all means.
27:30Oh, God, no!
27:34Thank you, sir.
27:35Burned, you say?
27:36That's most inconvenient.
27:38A burned novel
27:39is like a burned dog.
27:41Oh, shut up!
27:42Sir,
27:43I have a novel.
27:48Once upon a time,
27:49there was a lovely little sausage
27:51called...
27:51Sausage?
27:54Sausage!
27:55Blast your eyes!
27:58Oh.
27:59Well, I didn't think
28:00it was that bad.
28:02I think you'll find
28:03he left sausage
28:03out of his diction.
28:05Oh.
28:08And aardvark.
28:11Oh, come on, Blackadder.
28:12It's not all that bad.
28:13Nothing a nice,
28:14roaring fire can't solve.
28:16Baldrick, do the honours,
28:17will you?
28:17Certainly, Your Majesty.
28:18Oh!
28:18Oh!
28:18Oh!
28:19Oh!
28:19Oh!
28:19Oh!
28:19Oh!
28:20Oh!
28:20Oh!
28:21Oh!
28:21Oh!
28:21Oh!
28:22Oh!
28:22Oh!
28:23Oh!
28:23Oh!
28:24Oh!
28:24Oh!
28:25Oh!
28:25Oh!
28:26Oh!
28:26Oh!
28:27Oh!
28:27Oh!
28:28Oh!
28:28Oh!
28:29Oh!
28:29Oh!
28:30Oh!
28:30Oh!
28:31Oh!
28:31Oh!
28:32Oh!
28:32Oh!
28:33Oh!
28:33Oh!
28:34Oh!
28:34Oh!
28:35Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam,
29:05Black Adam
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