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WyethLogic
#rowanatkinson #comedy #mrbean
Transcript
00:00England, November 1487.
00:07The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage,
00:11and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying.
00:17Dying, my lord. Am I dying?
00:22Never. Never.
00:25Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours till your recovery.
00:31I just imagine you yourself were to pass away.
00:34To whom would you leave your lands?
00:37To me, of course.
00:40Yes, to my beloved king.
00:45May your filthy soul be prepared for hell, my son.
00:49Help?
00:50Yes, hell.
00:52Where Satan belches fire, and enormous devils break wind both night and day.
00:59Where the mind is never free from the torments of remorse,
01:03and your bottom never free from the pricking of little fox.
01:07No!
01:08Spare me the little fox.
01:11What is this nonsense?
01:13Hell, where the softest bits of your nether regions are everybody else's favourite lunch.
01:20Oh, right!
01:22Forgive me, sire.
01:24I will change my will, and leave my land to the church.
01:31What?
01:32Blessed be thy stainless soda.
01:38Ah, you will change your mind later. I know it.
01:43What?
01:44Ooh!
01:49I think not.
01:50Isn't that...
01:53No.
01:54What?
01:55No.
01:56No.
01:59What?
02:00No.
02:02What?
02:03To.
02:04Ah.
02:17Ah, what? What news? Well, my lord, an informed source tells me that the Duchess of Gloucester
02:39has given birth to twin goblins. No, no, they were not the Duke of Winchester. Oh, he's
02:43still hanging on. He must be on his last legs by now, my lord. Yes, but how many sets
02:47of legs of that man got? Really, how does he make up his mind? Either he dies or he lives
02:52forever. It's his shilly-shallying that's so undignified. My lord, I come with tragic news.
03:00What died at last, has he? Oh, my lord. Oh, I see. Now the idea is that you ask me what
03:06the message is before you tell it to me. Quite brilliant. I must say, I was referring to the
03:12Duke of Winchester. Who, my lord? Wait, let's try to sort this out in words of one syllable,
03:19shall we? Someone has died, yes? Yes, my lord. Who is it that has died? The Archbishop of
03:26Canterbury, my lord. Are you a critic? Yes, my lord. The Archbishop of Canterbury? Oh, now
03:34the king has done it again. That's the third this year. How did this one die? Horribly,
03:40my lord. Details? Horribly is all I was given. Ah, there you are. My lord, I come with tragic
03:47news. I've heard it. Will you go away? Oh, dear. Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury has
03:53met with the most tragic accident. There seems to be some confusion, but I think I've fathomed
03:57out how it came about. Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea myself. You see, Archbishop
04:02Godfrey was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's room. Who had just died, leaving all his lands
04:07to the church? Well, as a matter of fact, yes. And so the king was really after his blood,
04:11presumably. Well, I dare say, but the point of the matter is that at that moment, round
04:15the corner, came Sir Tavis Mortimer. The king's hired killer? No, no, no, no. Mortimer,
04:20that tall, rather striking fellow with no ears. Yes, that's it. Well, he came around
04:25the corner, saw the Archbishop, and rushed towards him with his head bowed in order to
04:29receive his blessing, and, uh, and unfortunately killed him stone dead. Oh? Mortimer was wearing
04:36a Turkish helmet. Oh, I see, yes. One of those with a two-feet spike coming out of the top.
04:41Yes, one of those things they normally use for butting their enemies in the stomach and killing
04:44them stone dead. Yes, so presumably he'd forgotten he was wearing it.
04:50Well, you know, that's exactly what the poor fellow had done. A tragic accident. Tragic.
04:55Ah, yes. Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle while slimming
05:01off beachy heads. And nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling
05:08backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Lord, you do work in mysterious ways. I just
05:16don't know how I'm going to break it to his catamide. What a tragic accident, my lord.
05:23Accident, my coddling.
05:27Who do you think will take over? Oh, I don't know. It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should
05:31imagine. They tend to go for religious types. Rumour has it, my lord, that the king wants
05:36to choose Prince Harry. Oh, really? Prince Harry, Archbishop, my lord.
05:44Claude! Prince Harry, Archbishop! And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we?
05:51Yes, they go to Canterbury. Oh, yes. Are you sure about your sauce, Ulrich? Yeah, it was
06:03Jane Smart. You know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate
06:06chastity girl. Well, with Harry gone, the black hadda will be king. Next.
06:20Yes. Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far. Percy, I shall require
06:27my most splendid garments for the ceremony. Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord. Trojan, I
06:32think. Boots, my lord. The Italian. And codpiece, my lord. Well, let's go for the black Russian.
06:40Harry, it always terrifies the clergy.
06:50Oh, really, my lord. Apparently, Lord Wilders is keeping sheep in his bedroom, but nothing
07:03on the appointment now. Fair enough.
07:05I'm dressed like a delicate woman. Like what, sorry? Well, this enormous nonsense. Fingers crossed.
07:23Members of the court and clergy, I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord
07:35God, his son, Jesus Christ, and his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next
07:45Archbishop. May he last longer in his post than his predecessors. Fat chance. I appoint to the
07:58Holy See of Canterbury my own son, Edwin Duke of Edinburgh. Archbishop, please salute me.
08:13Congratulations, the-the-the-the-the-the-the-three.
08:35Very good. Well done. Well done, Harry. Enter.
08:40enter. Ah, your majesty. Ah, my lord archbishop. Um, there were just a couple of points, um,
08:49about my appointment, uh, before things really, um, now. Yes? Um, personally, could I... No,
08:56you couldn't. Oh, fine. And, uh, don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I've always
09:02despised you. Well, you are my father, of course. And you're biased. You? Compared to your
09:10beloved brother Harry. Ah, this excrement is compared to cream. Oh, my lord, you flatter
09:17me. And me also. So now, my boy, when I've at last found a use for you, don't try to get
09:24out of it. No, no, no, no, no. No, certainly not. I just wondered whether perhaps another
09:29man, um, equally weak-willed and feeble, might do just as well. Ha! There's no such man!
09:37Oh, no. No, of course not. Silly me. Ah, I... I thought, no, perhaps, you know, someone
09:44who believed in God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If I needed someone who believed in
09:49God, I'd have chosen Harry! Not an embarrassing little weed like you! Oh, well, I think that's
09:57everything cleared up. Goodness, it must be almost time to read the song. It must be going.
10:03Edward! Come here. A word of advice. If you cross me now, or ever, I shall do unto you
10:29what God did unto the Sodomans. Oh, my lord, I don't think that's a very good idea.
10:33Well, I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you so much.
10:42Well, we've got the thumb screws, the foot crusher, the nose hooks, those long rods you're rather...
11:07Where's the dwarf?
11:09Here we go.
11:11Right, let's go.
11:13Archbishop!
11:19Hail.
11:21Going somewhere?
11:23Um...
11:27Yes.
11:29Where?
11:31Can... Canterbury.
11:35Good!
11:37Hurry here with a come to you.
11:39I would hate to see you murdered
11:41before your investiture.
11:47Fresh horses!
11:49My lord, if we're going to catch
11:51the boat to France, you'll have to hurry.
11:53Um, the boat to France?
11:55Um, you off to France, Percy?
11:59I thought we all were.
12:01No, no. Harry and I are off to Canterbury.
12:03Aren't we, Harry?
12:07Oh, I see.
12:09You've changed your plan.
12:11No, no, not really.
12:13The only change is if you could go
12:15and put your face in some manure
12:17and follow a reasonable distance.
12:19That would be fine.
12:21Great.
12:23And another thing that bothers me, your grace,
12:25suppose my right hand offends me
12:27and I cut it off.
12:29Well, wouldn't my left hand
12:31offends me as well?
12:33I mean, what do I cut it off with?
12:35Ah, yes.
12:37Yes, that is a knotty one.
12:39Yes!
12:53Where is that?
12:55I don't know, but that tall fellow,
12:57he had a face full of manure.
12:59That's what I call style.
13:11You, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh,
13:15believe in God the Father,
13:17God the Son,
13:19and God the Holy Ghost.
13:25Ah, yes.
13:27I then name thee
13:29Archbishop of Canterbury
13:31and primate of all England.
13:33England.
13:53Is investiture over,
13:55Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling
13:57swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth.
14:01But ever the shadow of his father's threat
14:03hung over him,
14:05until at last one day...
14:07Tell me, Brother Baldrick,
14:09exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?
14:11I don't know, my lord.
14:13I can't imagine it was worse
14:14than what they used to do to each other.
14:20Oh, my God, this is it!
14:22Baldrick, go and get me Lord Bishop of Ramsgate!
14:25What?
14:26Get Percy, get Percy!
14:31My life is hanging by a thread.
14:42And if I don't leave my lands to the church,
14:45then what?
14:47Then, Lord Graveney,
14:48you will assuredly go to hell.
14:50Alas!
14:52Hell,
14:53where the air is pungent with the aroma
14:56I have roasted behind.
14:58No.
14:59No.
15:02I place my lands in the hands of the church.
15:07And so bid the world farewell.
15:12What?
15:13Shh!
15:14The Archbishop not yet arrived!
15:16Not yet,
15:17and even if he did arrive!
15:18Wait!
15:19Too late!
15:21Get out of my way!
15:22I have killed a pair of you!
15:24I have killed your brother!
15:26I'll abolish the church!
15:28My lord!
15:29My lord!
15:30Ah!
15:31I said out loud!
15:33Get out!
15:34My lord!
15:35My lord!
15:36Wake up!
15:37Wake up!
15:38Wake up!
15:39Wake up!
15:40Ah!
15:43Am I in paradise?
15:45No!
15:46No, not yet!
15:47Then this must be hell!
15:49Alas!
15:50Spare my posterior!
15:52No!
15:53You're all right!
15:54It's England!
15:55And you are not Satan?
15:57No!
15:58I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury!
15:59Oh!
16:00Your gracious!
16:01Your grace!
16:02I have left all my lands to the church!
16:04Am I to be saved?
16:06No!
16:07You treacherous swine!
16:08No!
16:09Wait!
16:10Wait!
16:11Wait!
16:12Let's...
16:13Let's just take this through in stages, shall we?
16:16Um...
16:17You know, the church doesn't really need your land.
16:21Now, what it makes is a damn good thrasher!
16:23But if I do not gain its blessing, I will surely go to hell!
16:29Well, we're tiny tweezers!
16:31Get out!
16:34Someone like you go to hell?
16:36Never!
16:37Never!
16:38Never!
16:39But I have committed many sins!
16:40Oh!
16:41It's happened to me all!
16:42It's happened to me all!
16:43I murdered my father!
16:44I know how you feel!
16:47Alas!
16:48Hurry up, peg bat!
16:49And I have committed adultery!
16:51Well, who hasn't?
16:53More than a thousand times!
16:55Well, it is 1487!
16:57With my mother!
16:59What?
17:00You see, I will go to hell!
17:02Hell!
17:03Have no slight turnips!
17:04Go out with the nose in the ears!
17:05Kill her!
17:06Press up!
17:07Well, let's take hell!
17:08Um, you know, hell isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be!
17:10What?
17:11No, no, no, no!
17:12No, you see, the thing about heaven is that heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in heaven.
17:29Like, uh, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants, whereas hell, on the other hand, is for people who like the other sorts of things.
17:42Adultery, pillage, torture, those areas.
17:48Really?
17:49Hmm!
17:50Leave your lands to the crown, and once you're dead, you will have the time of your life!
17:55Adultery, pillage, through all eternity!
17:59Yip!
18:00Your blood steaks against your tender portions!
18:05Oh, oh, oh!
18:06Well, Reveney!
18:08What is this, sir?
18:09Very well.
18:10I leave my lands to the crown, and my soul in the hands of the Lord.
18:17May he treat me like the piece of refuse that I am, and send me to hell.
18:23Amen!
18:24Amen!
18:25You're a very lucky man!
18:27I wish I could be coming with you, but, you know, being Archbishop.
18:30I'm so sorry.
18:31Yeah, that's all right.
18:32Ah!
18:33Ah!
18:42My son!
18:44Father!
18:46Father!
18:47My son!
18:49Who's that?
18:50Looked like the kind of pair who would kill the Archbishop of Canterbury to me!
18:59Typical!
19:00Are you Turkish, John?
19:02No!
19:03No!
19:04No!
19:05No!
19:06No!
19:07No!
19:08No!
19:09No!
19:10No!
19:11No!
19:12Well...
19:13Thank you, Father.
19:14Good night, mother.
19:15He's dayείing off me!
19:18He's dayείing off me!
19:21And how was Edmund?
19:22Oh, well, well, very well!
19:25belong!
19:26And how are his dear little sheep?
19:28And how are his dear little sheep?
19:32Who's sheep?
19:33Edmund's sheep.
19:35What sheep?
19:37Well, the one's Archbishop of Canterbury.
19:40His flock that he was talking about.
19:48I can't understand it.
19:50Edmund doesn't even like religion.
19:53That's impossible.
19:55He's the Archbishop of Canterbury.
19:57Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy
20:01whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in default.
20:05That was a long time ago.
20:08It was last Thursday.
20:16Hell, the boy's turned out well.
20:20A long and healthy life to him.
20:27I thank God that in my lifetime,
20:34never again shall I have to say,
20:36who will rid me of this turbulent priest?
20:41And what is that?
20:42It's something that my ancestor, Henry II, once said
20:46when he was having trouble with Thomas Obeckitt.
20:48He was sitting at a table like this with two drunken knights,
20:51and he yelled out,
20:53who will rid me of this turbulent priest?
20:57What?
20:59God save us.
21:01I said,
21:03who will rid me of this turbulent priest?
21:06You mean who?
21:08The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course.
21:10Well, they went straight off and killed him, of course.
21:22Right, now let's get down to business, shall we?
21:25Business, Wilma?
21:25Yes.
21:26Baldrick has been looking at some of the ways
21:28we can actually make a bit of money on this job.
21:31Basically, there appear to be four major profit areas.
21:35Curses, pardons, relics,
21:38and selling the sexual favours of nuns.
21:40Selling the sexual favours of nuns?
21:42Yeah.
21:42You think some people actually pay for them?
21:44Oh, foreign businessmen, other nuns, you know.
21:46Oh, well, let's just...
21:46Right, well, this is a fair selection.
21:51Basically, you seem to get what you pay for.
21:53They run all the way from this one,
21:54which is a pardon for talking with your mouth full,
21:57signed by an apprentice curate in Tewkesbury.
22:00How much is that?
22:01Two pebbles.
22:02All the way up to this one.
22:04Which is a pardon for anything whatsoever,
22:06including murder, adultery,
22:08or dismemberment of a close friend or relative.
22:11Who's that signed by?
22:13Both popes.
22:15Curses are pretty much the same, really.
22:17I've got this one for half an egg.
22:21Curse.
22:22Dear, anyway, I curse you
22:24and hope that something slightly unpleasant
22:26happens to you like an onion falling on your head.
22:30Yeah, well, that is the bottom end of the market.
22:31They run all the way to this one for four ducats.
22:35Dear enemy, may the Lord hate you and all your kind,
22:38may you be turned orange in hue,
22:40and may your head fall off at an awkward moment.
22:45Does this work?
22:46Yeah.
22:46Yes.
22:48Really?
22:48No.
22:51Moving on to relics,
22:53we've got shrouds from Turin,
22:56wine from the wedding at Cana,
23:00splinters from the cross,
23:02and, of course,
23:03there's other stuff made by Jesus
23:06in his days in the carpentry shop.
23:07We've got pipe racks,
23:10coffee tables,
23:11coat stands,
23:13bookings,
23:14crucifixes,
23:16nice cheese board,
23:19food bowls,
23:20waterproof sandals.
23:23I haven't finished this one yet.
23:24But this is disgraceful, my Lord.
23:26All of these are obviously fake.
23:28Yes.
23:29But how will people be able to tell the difference
23:31between these and the real relics?
23:33They won't.
23:34That's the point.
23:36Well, you won't be able to fool everyone.
23:38Look.
23:39I have here
23:42a true relic.
23:45What is it?
23:47It is a bone
23:48from the finger of our Lord.
23:52It cost me 31 pieces of silver.
23:55Good Lord.
23:56Is it real?
23:57It is, my Lord.
24:00Baldrick, you stand amazed?
24:01Ah.
24:02I thought they only came in boxes of ten.
24:05I couldn't give them my mind.
24:07What?
24:07What?
24:08Yeah.
24:08My fingers are really big at the moment.
24:10Mind you,
24:11for a really quick sale,
24:12you can't beat a nose.
24:14For instance,
24:15this is the
24:15sacred appendage compendium party pack.
24:18You get Jesus' nose,
24:20St. Peter's nose,
24:22a couple of St. Francis' nose,
24:24and, uh,
24:26oh, no,
24:26they're Joan of Arc's.
24:28Bastard Virgil!
24:30I'll show him!
24:35I'll show him!
24:38Uh,
24:39uh,
24:39uh,
24:39hey,
24:40oh,
24:40hey.
24:41Hey,
24:41hey,
24:41and, uh,
24:43and what can I do for you?
24:44Well,
24:45we're here to murder the Archbishop of Canterbury.
24:49Mary's enemies.
24:51Oh,
24:52yes.
24:53We fear he may be in danger.
24:55Really?
24:56How?
24:56Well,
24:57let me see.
24:59Perhaps good King Richard,
25:00angry with the Archbishop for some reason,
25:02Don't it?
25:03Why?
25:03Might well send two drunken knights,
25:06freshly returned from the Crusade,
25:08Crusade.
25:09On a mission to weak vengeance on him.
25:12That's a good point.
25:13It has happened before.
25:15Quite.
25:15Yes,
25:15it is.
25:16Um,
25:16I'm sorry.
25:17I didn't,
25:17I didn't quite catch your names.
25:19Oh,
25:20George,
25:20how do you do?
25:23Justin de Boisnot.
25:25Two drunken knights,
25:27special returned from the Crusades,
25:28and here on a mission for good King Richard.
25:30God bless.
25:31Oh,
25:31yes.
25:31Amen.
25:32And your,
25:33your mission?
25:34Well,
25:34as I said,
25:35we're here to kill.
25:37A bit of time.
25:39Yes.
25:40Before our next Crusade.
25:42Oh,
25:42right,
25:42yes.
25:43Well,
25:43I'll,
25:43I'll,
25:44I'll just go and get him.
25:47Oh,
25:48Baldrick.
25:49Yes?
25:49A couple of knights here to see,
25:51uh,
25:52the Archbishop.
25:53Oh,
25:53my God.
25:57Monks.
25:59My Lord,
26:00I've got something to say that's concerned.
26:03It's the one about the nuns of Uppingham and the Candelabra.
26:06Don't bother,
26:06I've heard it.
26:07No,
26:07the fact is,
26:08sir,
26:08there's two men outside who've come to kill you.
26:11What?
26:12Ha,
26:12ha,
26:13ha,
26:13ha,
26:13ha,
26:14ha,
26:14ha,
26:15ha,
26:15ha,
26:15ha,
26:16ha,
26:16ha,
26:16ha,
26:16ha,
26:16ha,
26:16ha,
26:16ha,
26:16I'm terribly sorry about this.
26:17I'll,
26:17I'll just see what the delay is.
26:19Feels good.
26:20I'll feel me.
26:21Oh,
26:21look,
26:22what's going on?
26:24Those two men have come to kill us.
26:25Oh,
26:25come on,
26:26honestly,
26:26Baldrick,
26:27just because a couple of people have a bit of breeding,
26:29you assume they're bound to be mindless killers.
26:31Oh my God.
26:33Oh my God.
26:34There's no way out.
26:35Help.
26:36No.
26:36No.
26:37Oh my God.
26:38Help us.
26:40Ah.
26:41Ah.
26:42Ah.
26:42Ah.
26:43Ah.
26:44Ah.
26:44Ah.
26:45Ah.
26:46Ah.
26:46Ah.
26:47Ah.
26:48Ah.
26:49Ah,
26:50Ah.
26:51Ah.
26:51Ah.
26:54They've dropped off.
26:55Ha.
26:58Ah.
26:58Ah.
26:59Ah.
26:59Ah.
27:00Ah.
27:00Ah.
27:01Madame, they must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery.
27:21Little Sisters of Indolence, three men came in.
27:24Which way did they go?
27:26I think they went that way.
27:30God bless you.
27:31Wait, did you hear?
27:36They'll be watching out for us dressed like this.
27:39Quick, in here.
27:54Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly nights pass this way?
27:59Um, no, Sister.
28:02Now's the pity.
28:05Why don't you try that way?
28:08Thank you very much.
28:09You're welcome.
28:10And yet, Mother Superior, does not St. Paul say in the Ephesians, a woman is like a bat, often heard but never seen.
28:29No, I don't think so, Sarah.
28:32Shall we check the dormitory?
28:35Oh, yes, Mother Superior.
28:37What a good idea.
28:38Girls!
28:39Girls!
28:40Girls!
28:41Girls!
28:42Girls!
28:43Girls!
28:44If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
28:46Fighting in the dormitory is completely forbidden.
28:48Who is the ringleader here?
28:49You!
28:50Yes, you!
28:51Yes, you!
28:52The plane girl!
28:53Oh, my God!
28:54Oh, my God!
28:55It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
28:56And a man!
28:57Oh, man!
28:58Ah!
28:59I think I can explain.
29:00And that, sweet lady, is the whole story.
29:05Let us go over the facts again.
29:08Having been appointed Archbishop, you found that all your interests lay in the beauty of your vestments?
29:13Ah, the finest.
29:15Ah, the fine embroidery!
29:16Unable to resist the slide into depravity, you began to dress up in the habit of a nun.
29:34I could not resist the texture of the hessian under things.
29:38No, I can understand that!
29:40that you forced the bishop of ramsgate and one brother baldy to do so also oh may i be cursed
29:48for it and finally you got two nights drunk and invited them to come and wrestle with you
29:54inside the nunnery in an orgy of heathen
30:02and i must therefore tell you that this morning i have written urgently to all three popes
30:07recommending your immediate excommunication never more may you be archbishop of canterbury oh dear
30:15that's enough sister sire i think he's learned his lesson sorry
30:25and meet thy doom
30:37so
30:51quick the nunnery's on fire
31:05could folk lock up your son and daughter beware the deadly flashing blade
31:13unless you want to end up shorter black adder black adder he rides a pitch black steam
31:27black adder black adder black adder is very bad indeed
31:33black his gloves are finest mole black his codpiece made of metal
31:41his horse is blacker than his cattle
31:53black adder black adder with many a cunning plan
31:55alas the corruption of the world yes alas mother superior I'm tired and weary you
32:14may leave me now very well alas so presumably you won't be needing the
32:20unicorn tonight
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