- 7 hours ago
- #rowanatkinson
- #comedy
- #mrbean
#rowanatkinson #comedy #mrbean
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Short filmTranscript
00:00In 1486, the second year of Richard IV's historic reign, and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a crusade against the Turks.
00:19As the good lord said, love thy neighbour as thyself, unless it's Turkish, in which case, tell the bastard!
00:27He left behind him his beloved son, Prince Harry, to rule as regent in his stead.
00:34Farewell, dear Harry.
00:36Farewell, father.
00:38And his slimy son, Edmund, to do the tasks most befitting him.
00:43Edward.
00:57My lord, with the king gone, eh?
01:05Of course!
01:07At last, a chance for some real power.
01:11Ah!
01:13Ah!
01:13Ah!
01:14Ah!
01:14Ah!
01:15Ah!
01:15Ah!
01:16Ah!
01:16Ah!
01:17Ah!
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01:18Ah!
01:18Ah!
01:19Ah!
01:19Ah!
01:20Ah!
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01:21Ah!
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01:22Ah!
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01:23Ah!
01:23Ah!
01:24Ah!
01:24Ah!
01:25Ah!
01:25Ah!
01:26Ah!
01:26Ah!
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01:27Ah!
01:28Ah!
01:28Ah!
01:29Ah!
01:30Ah!
01:31Ah!
01:32Ah!
01:33Ah!
01:34Ah!
01:35Ah!
01:36Ah!
01:37Ah!
01:38Ah!
01:39Ah!
01:40Ah!
01:41On, onward, I want you scum back to the castle by sundown or you'll all be slaughtered.
02:01Onward!
02:02Come on.
02:03Come on, will you?
02:04Shut up.
02:05And you'll just keep going.
02:07I've just about had enough of you.
02:10Shut up.
02:11Come on, you rational.
02:12Where are you going?
02:13Stop.
02:14Where are you going?
02:15Oh, not over.
02:16Not away from the castle.
02:17Too much in terror.
02:18Splendid.
02:19Splendid.
02:20Now, look.
02:21You're not supposed to be here.
02:22That's far enough.
02:23Now, get out.
02:24Oh.
02:25I could get my hands on that bastard brother Harry.
02:27Ah, in my way.
02:28You're not supposed to be here.
02:30That's far enough.
02:31Now, get out.
02:32Oh.
02:33I could get my hands on that bastard brother Harry.
02:40Ah, Edmund.
02:41Edmund?
02:42Ah, there you are.
02:43Splendid news, Edmund.
02:44Father's coming home.
02:45He writes here that he'll be back by St. Leonard's Day.
02:46Excellent.
02:47So we can celebrate both events together.
02:48Now then.
02:49I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course.
02:50The guards of honour and the papal legate.
02:51And you can sort out the frolics.
02:52The frolics?
02:53Yes.
02:54The morris dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women.
02:55You know, the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments.
02:56Oh, damnation.
02:57No, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains.
02:59Edmund?
03:00Edmund?
03:01You'll have to look into those as well.
03:02Oh, yes.
03:03Fine, fine.
03:04I'd be honoured.
03:05Good.
03:06You won't let me down.
03:07You shall handle the visiting royalty, of course.
03:08The guards of honour and the papal legate.
03:09And you can sort out the frolics.
03:10The frolics?
03:11Yes.
03:12The morris dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women.
03:16You know, the traditional St. Leonard's Day entertainments.
03:19Oh, damnation.
03:20No, I don't think I'm going to have enough time to attend to the drains.
03:24Edmund?
03:25You'll have to look into those as well.
03:27Oh, yes.
03:28Fine, fine.
03:29I'd be honoured.
03:30Good.
03:31You won't let me down, now, will you?
03:33No, no, no.
03:34No, I'm really looking forward to it already.
03:37And so very much.
03:39Splendid!
03:43Twelve months of chasing sheep and straightening the royal portraits.
03:48And now this.
03:50The bastard.
03:52The bastard!
03:54If only he were, my lord.
03:58What?
03:59If only he were a bastard, my lord, then you would be regent now.
04:04Ah, yes.
04:05And then one day, you would be king, my lord.
04:10Ah, yes.
04:11Yes, I would be king.
04:14And then what?
04:16You'd rule the world, my lord.
04:19Precisely.
04:20It's just not fair, you know.
04:22Every other damn woman in the court has bastard sons, but not my mother.
04:26Oh, no.
04:27She's so damn figure.
04:28She can't look down in case she nooses her own breasts.
04:32He must be so looking forward to the king's return, your master.
04:38No.
04:40No, my lady.
04:41But think he will come to your chamber and make mad passionate love to you.
04:47Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that.
04:50Very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on.
04:54Being used all night long like the outside of a sausage roll.
04:58Oh, yes.
04:59And then it stays so precious to look forward to.
05:04The jesters, the jugglers, the great brown ox, steaming and smouldering all night long.
05:12Oh, yes.
05:13The feast.
05:14Sorry?
05:16I was thinking of something else.
05:19They've got the Morris dancers.
05:21I love them.
05:22Yes.
05:24I like the eunuchs.
05:26Oh, yes.
05:27The eunuchs.
05:30Well, I wish I owned one.
05:33I wish I'd married one.
05:36Fine, fine.
05:37Could have happened to anyone.
05:38Never mind.
05:39Never mind.
05:41Oh, God.
05:42I don't believe it.
05:45We've only got one act and she's shaved her beard off.
05:50There's always the eunuchs, Lord.
05:51Oh, yes, sir.
05:52The eunuchs and the amazing beardless woman.
05:55There must be someone else.
05:57There must be.
05:58There must be.
05:59Look.
06:00There's the jumping Jews of Jerusalem, my lord.
06:03What do they do?
06:04They jump, my lord.
06:07They come in, my lord, and they jump.
06:09A lot.
06:10A lot.
06:11It's a humorous act.
06:12There must be something else.
06:14Surely.
06:15Ah, what's this?
06:16The death of the pharaoh.
06:18Sir Dominic Prick, in his magnificent stone in Mr Rooney's, performed the tragic ancient
06:24Egyptian masterpiece, The Death of the Pharaoh.
06:27Well, that sounds funny.
06:28Oh, no, no, no.
06:29I found that very moving, my lord.
06:31Well, it better be funny or prick'll get his comeuppance, I can tell you.
06:34Get off, fuck him.
06:35Well, look.
06:36What about Jerry Merriweather and his four chickens?
06:38What do they do?
06:39Lay eggs?
06:40Yes, my lord.
06:42Oh, my lord.
06:43We'll have them.
06:44We'll have them.
06:45What is it, my lord?
07:00The eunuchs.
07:02Oh, dear.
07:05Ha!
07:06I should have now never trust a eunuch.
07:08Well, what are we gonna do?
07:09Well, I know what I'm gonna do.
07:10Bullock, give me an execution order.
07:12I'm gonna teach them a lesson they'll never forget.
07:15And remove whatever extraneous parts of their body still remain.
07:22My lord.
07:23Take that to the Lord Chancellor.
07:25Oh, God.
07:26This is desperate.
07:27Desperate.
07:28We could have the Morris dances, my lord.
07:31Now, look.
07:32We are not that desperate.
07:35Morris dancing is the most fetuous tenth-rate entertainment ever devised by man.
07:40Forty effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth they've just wiped their noses on.
07:45How it's still going on this day and age, I'll never know.
07:50Sorry.
07:51So do you want them or not?
07:53Ah, Edmund!
07:54And rest.
07:55Oh, splendid.
07:56And how are the rest of the entertainments coming along?
08:07Oh, very, very... well, indeed.
08:10I think it's going to have a slightly spartan look.
08:14What?
08:15Greek?
08:16Uh, yes, that's right.
08:17Yes.
08:18Greek.
08:19Oh, good.
08:20Everyone turning up?
08:21up oh absolutely everyone um so many people in fact i'm afraid i've had to let the eunuchs go
08:28oh no no no no no no no no no that won't do at all not on st leonard's day because well correct
08:37me if i'm wrong lord percy but st leonard himself was an eunuch yes that's right
08:45well that's why i thought it might be more tactful oh no no no no no no to leave out the eunuchs on
08:56st leonard's day would be like well it would be like leaving out the morris dancers or the
09:01well the bearded women besides lord doogle mccangus the king's supreme commander is expected at the
09:09feast and as you know eunuchs are his particular favorite scottish you see
09:18good good well i'm relying on you edmund
09:26so some carrot-faced thistle-arsed scottish
09:34apparently he's a great warrior no yes i thought they all say those scots they're just
09:39barbarians half of them can't even speak english what do they speak i don't know it's all greek to
09:44me how do you speak greek no i mean it sounds like greek well if it sounds like greek it probably is greek
09:52it's not greek it sounds like greek what's not greek but sounds like greek that's a good one my lord
10:01it's not meant to be a brain teaser percy i can't tell you that i cannot understand the blind word
10:07they're saying well no wonder my lord you never learned greek of course have you ever wondered what
10:14your insides look like sometimes my lord yes i'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiosity
10:21is it oh my god this scotchman's beginning to annoy me already i'm the duke of edinburgh you know
10:28when lard of rooksborough selkirk and pee balls i can make things very difficult for these entertainments
10:35i don't know baldwick you've got a beard go and get yourself a nice dress oh all right my lord pethy you'd
10:43better go and get burn a good bear baiter yes my lord looks like we'll be needing him oh pethy yes
10:49lord tell him to bring a bear this time improvising last year was pathetic
10:57i'm sorry mother the toast to father's return
11:18noble harley prince of willyos take all the kangus creature and lays at your feet the spoils of an
11:24enemy at war oh sorry that's uh that's my overnight bag behold treasures torn from the torsos of the
11:32top oh my kangus it fills me with joy and hope to see you what news of my father the king or when
11:41i last saw him he swore he would be back by the feast of st leonard and die near teb god for fend we
11:46shall pray for his safe passions join us join us you must be starving and uh young lochenbar oh yes and
11:52him too come on lock and bar you must be the king's wee bit of rumpy bumpy aye aye once i've got a
12:08message for you my father asked me to send his regards to you do i know oh i think you can say that
12:14yes he's donald mcangus third duke of argyle ah edmund there you are mcangus this is the man who's
12:24providing the entertainments for us tomorrow oh the eunuch
12:31there's a grope for your trouble
12:32i am not a eunuch oh you sound like one to me i am not a eunuch i am the duke of edinburgh oh you
12:42are are you yes same old story here duke of edinburgh had about as scottish as the queen of england's tits
12:50oh sorry may offend your majesty i'm sorry you're in my chair don't apologize
12:57well now we've all got to know each other i have rather a special announcement to make
13:05well tell me you're a yuck as well look angus as reward for your heroic deeds in battle my father
13:12here empowers me to grant you anything that you may desire of me if you've got any sense he'll ask for
13:18a haircut i'm honored i'm honored all i ask for is a scrap of land grant me fair selkirk and the noble
13:25sire of roxburgh what very well by the power vested in me excuse me um i'm sorry to dip my little
13:34fly in your ointment but those lands do in fact belong to me yes well so perhaps perhaps he'd like
13:42to choose somewhere else mcangus not all of roxburgh and selkirk but that leaves me with peebles oh yeah
13:50and peebles are you trying to say something edmund well i don't know i i mean some people might say
13:57well what an absurd idea giving away half of scotland to a kilted maniac for slaughtering a couple of
14:03syphilitic tugs i say let's reward him good good so be it
14:18i'm gonna kill him and i'm gonna kill him now who my lord that stinking scottage weasel why my lord
14:32because he's a thieving stinking scottage weasel that's right oh i'm gonna stab him where in the great
14:39core and in the bladder but if you do it in front of everybody won't they suspect something
14:50here's a drawback yes perhaps we need something a little more cunning i have a cunning plan yes
15:00perhaps but i think i may have a more cunning one well mine's pretty cunning my lord yes but not
15:04cunning enough i imagine it depends how cunning you mean my lord well i'm pretty dumb cunning how
15:08cunning do you think i mean it's quite cunning my lord all right then let's hear it let's hear what's
15:13so damn cunning all right well first of all you get him to come with you oh yes very cunning brilliantly
15:18cunning i asked him to come with me and then then stab him perhaps no cunning can you get no my lord
15:23you get this enormous great cannon no i see take him outside get him to stick his head down a cannon
15:28then blow it up and then blow it up oh yes a wonderful idea no i think i have a plan that will give us a
15:38little more entertainment
15:49oh
15:51oh
15:55oh
15:57oh
15:59oh
16:01oh
16:03oh
16:05oh
16:08Oh, my God.
16:38Oh, my God.
17:08I can't help you.
17:10Um, no.
17:12No, I'm fine, thank you.
17:14Good.
17:20I'm not in your way over here.
17:23No.
17:23Oh, there is just one thing.
17:32I was wondering if you could do me a little favor.
17:38Uh-huh.
17:39Um, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations tonight.
17:44Oh, but stay in the way, do you mean?
17:46Uh-huh.
17:48Ah!
17:49Oh!
17:50Um, well, the thing is, um, we were hoping to present a mystery play by one of our leading thespianic troops.
18:04Um, but unfortunately, one of their number is ill, um, and I thought you'd be the perfect person to take his place.
18:13Well, I warn you, I'm no actor.
18:19Well, there shouldn't be much acting required.
18:22Um, it's an ancient Egyptian piece, uh, called The Death of the Scotsman.
18:30Ah, I'll have a crack at that.
18:33You, uh, you can play the Scotsman, if you like, who, who dies at the end of the play.
18:40Oh, acting dead!
18:42Now that I can do!
18:43Yes, well, as I say, there, there may not be much acting required.
18:54Oh, and, uh, mind the weasel pit.
18:55Oh, and, uh, mind the weasel pit.
19:25Oh, and, uh, mind the weasel pit.
19:27Oh, and, uh, mind the weasel pit.
19:30Smaller pit!
19:31Let's see those branches waving and swaying the breeze.
19:33Thaller, thaller, thaller, now smaller.
19:34Smaller, smaller, smaller.
19:35Ah!
19:36Smaller, smaller, smaller, smaller.
19:37Sir Longley, have you made necessary changes?
19:40Er, yes, my lord.
19:41Oh!
19:43Ha!
19:44Ha!
19:45Ha!
19:46Ha!
19:47Ha!
19:48Ha!
19:49Ha!
19:50Ha!
19:51Ha!
19:52Ha!
19:53Ha!
19:54Ha!
19:55Ha!
19:56Ha!
19:57Ha!
19:58Ha!
19:59Ha!
20:00Ha!
20:01Ha!
20:02Ha!
20:03Ha!
20:04Ha!
20:05Ha!
20:06Ha!
20:07Ha!
20:08Ha!
20:09Ha!
20:10Ha!
20:11Ha!
20:12Ha!
20:13Ha!
20:14Ha!
20:15Ha!
20:16Ha!
20:17Ha!
20:18Ha!
20:19Ha!
20:20Oh, to spill the blood of this Scotsman vial.
20:25What is a Scotsman doing in Egypt?
20:28I'm not sure, but apparently they've had very good reviews.
20:32So, your mother there, I let my father on the way back from France.
20:36Apparently, I mean, your mother used to...
20:38Look, don't be absurd.
20:41Such activities are totally beyond my mother.
20:43My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhea.
20:48Don't you believe it?
20:49I've got some letters I took for his tent.
20:51By God, they're hot stuff.
20:53I'll tell you, they certainly cast a wee shadow of doubt over the parent who'd a young Harry for a start.
20:58Don't doubt be a...
21:00Silence.
21:01What?
21:02A bagpipe strums.
21:04Behold, this way our victim comes.
21:07Oh, that's my cue.
21:08Come on.
21:09Litters? Litters? Where are these litters?
21:11They're safe for heading away. I'll show you them later.
21:13I'll show you all beneath the shadow of the other mighty Ben Nevis.
21:16Citizen Carmen MacPherson, you come not a whit too soon.
21:23For is this not the weather fair?
21:25For is this the night of June?
21:28Aye, it is.
21:31What business do you mean?
21:35Quick, oh my God, my canvas is going to die.
21:37Well, I'm over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
21:39Carrot-faced orangutans.
21:41Leave in Scots, please.
21:42Die for the Scots!
21:44No, no, look.
21:44No, look.
21:45He knows too much.
21:46That is why he must die.
21:49Oh, look.
21:49He mustn't.
21:50He mustn't.
21:51He has vital information.
21:52I've changed my mind.
21:53I've changed my mind.
21:54Oh, my God.
21:55What am I going to do?
21:56Stop the show, my lord.
21:57How?
21:58How?
21:58Well, just say stop.
22:00What's our reason?
22:01What's our reason for stopping the show?
22:02Oh, because the knives are real and the kangas is just about to get killed.
22:06Ow, you bastard.
22:10What a mortal queen!
22:13Stop.
22:20Sorry I'm late.
22:25Oh, I help!
22:32Good, excellent.
22:37It's certainly my mother's handwriting.
22:39When did you say these words?
22:41Er, 1460.
22:42The year my brother was born.
22:46Baldrick, get in here.
22:51Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.
22:55Why?
22:56Why?
22:56We've not told you to be slimming as a rat.
22:58Now, why have they been cancelled, my lord?
23:00Dorothy.
23:00What?
23:02Well, I have a very important announcement to make.
23:08Does that mean I have to take the dress off?
23:10Houl, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.
23:16Have you played your cards right?
23:18Have you could become king?
23:19Ah, yes.
23:20One day.
23:21Ah, similar than you think, baby.
23:23So last time I saw your father, you just charged any Constantinople when they shut the gates on him.
23:28No?
23:29Yes.
23:29Ten thousand of the Turk in their arm with scimitars.
23:32And your father with a small knife for peeling fruit.
23:38Oh, God!
23:45Jerry Merriweather.
23:48Another nail in the coffin of variety.
23:52I like Bernard the Rabbit, Bater.
23:55Thank you. Thank you.
23:56Look, Edmund, is this announcement going to take long?
23:59I haven't seen hide nor hair of a eunuch yet.
24:02Oh, don't worry, Harry.
24:03It will soon all be over.
24:07My dear mother, my dear brother,
24:10lords and ladies of the court.
24:13Today there came into my possession
24:15from the hands, my lord, of your faithful servant, Dougal McAngus,
24:21certain letters, rather extraordinary letters,
24:26concerning the lineage of Prince Harry.
24:31Letters?
24:32What is so extraordinary about them?
24:34Letters?
24:35Well, Harry, they were written by your mother
24:38to your father.
24:40Your father, Harry, being, of course, Donald, Sir Duke of Argyle.
24:48I beg your pardon.
24:49These letters are of quite an intimate nature.
24:52Let me give you an example.
24:54Arundel, Thursday, my dear Harry-weary,
24:58often as you sit at table with my husband,
25:02probing deeply into the affairs of state,
25:05I long for the day when you will probe...
25:08Edmund!
25:08Are you sure you know what you're saying?
25:10As sure as our mother was, Harry,
25:12when she wrote these words,
25:15Dear big boy,
25:16sail south!
25:18As you know,
25:19your galleon is always assured
25:21a warm welcome
25:22in my harbour.
25:25Big boy?
25:27Mother, do you know anything about this?
25:29Well, what chance did I have?
25:31I was just a little foreign girl.
25:34Then I must renounce the regency
25:36and hie me to a monastery.
25:39Edmund, you shall be regent
25:40until your father returns.
25:43The king will not be returning.
25:45What?
25:46Oh, dear.
25:47No, when Cangus last saw him,
25:50he was facing half the Turkish army,
25:52armed only with a small piece of cutlery.
25:55So, Pappy, if you'd like to start things off.
25:59The king is dead!
26:00Long live the king!
26:02The king is dead!
26:04Long live the king!
26:06The king is probably dead!
26:10Long live the king!
26:12The king is probably dead!
26:14Long live the king!
26:16The king is...
26:17Not dead!
26:20Long live the king!
26:25Long death!
26:27War!
26:28Long to Pappy!
26:30Damn!
26:33Mccangus!
26:34my companion blood and most trusted friend you made it i made it thanks to my trusty fruit
26:45wait a minute what's going on here who are you he's our son what
27:04yes of course clean it my beloved father certain letters have come to light which might change
27:17things a bit around here letters what letters they speak of acts of love between your wife
27:23and donald the gay dog of the glens i long to be in that kingdom between the saffron sheets
27:31where you and your ruler are the only ruler and then acts of love consummated oh you enormous
27:39scotsman and these letters are dated november and december 1460 which harry in relation to
27:47your date of birth is precisely nine months after i was born
27:55for about nine months before your birth edmund
28:01you bastard
28:05no i think you're the bastard edmund
28:08silence i want an explanation
28:13my leech the reason i have gathered you all here today is to try to get some proper justice
28:25meted out against this scottish turd who has clearly forged these obviously fake letters
28:31let me see them
28:32no i ripped them up in his face so no hint of that filthy slander can remain
28:37you come in here fresh from slaughtering a couple of chocos when their backs were turned
28:47and you think you can upset the harmony of a whole kingdom
28:51i challenge you to a duel
28:54to the death
28:55um yes all right
28:58excellent idea after all it is st lennard's day there's meant to be some entertainment
29:04good very good take your pleasures
29:11good take your time with the feed talks and the human shesky body
29:21very well
29:25let the killing begin
29:28come on watch the hold up
29:54um i'll give you everything i own everything
29:57uh-huh
29:58um i i i'm hardly a rich man
30:01you're hardly a man at all
30:03but but but but but my horse must be worth a thousand ducats
30:09i can sell my wardrobe the pride of my life
30:12my swords my curtains my socks and my fighting cocks
30:16oh my servants i can live without
30:19except perhaps he who oils my rack
30:22and then my most intimate treasures my collection of antique codpieces
30:27my wigs for state occasions
30:29my wigs for private occasions
30:31and my wigs for humorous occasions
30:34my collection of pokers
30:36my grendel stretchers
30:38my ornamental pumphreys
30:41and of course my autographed miniature of judas iscariot
30:46that's nowhere near enough
30:53that's nowhere near enough
30:53that's nowhere near enough
30:55that will be kidding
30:57actually i'm quite interested in the wigs
30:59hey hope life doesn't become too dull
31:09nobody will pass laws over scotland
31:11i wouldn't pass water over scotland
31:16we're all terribly pleased you're back father
31:24i'm not
31:25i miss the smell of blood in my nostrils
31:28and the queen's got a headache
31:31but we do have a fascinating week ahead
31:34in fact the archbishop of york has asked me
31:37if you'd care to join his formation
31:38italian dance class
31:40and i really ought to give him an answer
31:42do you want me to be honest or tactful
31:44uh tactful i think
31:46tell him to get stuffed
31:48has that little hooligan mccangus left
31:51no edmund's giving him a last look around the castle now
31:54while this
31:57well i'll be sorry to see him go
32:00ah very interesting
32:01yes and so will edmund
32:03they've become firm friends
32:05the turks
32:08the drains
32:10father harry
32:11there's been rather
32:13a messy accident
32:14you must comfort me
32:15oh my god i should need my plunger
32:17the sound of your feet cross the glade
32:25good phone lock up your son and daughter
32:29beware the deadly flashing blade
32:33unless you want to end up shorter
32:37black hadder
32:39black hadder
32:41he rides a pitch black steed
32:45black hadder
32:47black hadder
32:49he's very bad indeed
32:53black
32:54his gloves are finest mold
32:57black
32:58his cutpiece made of metal
33:01his horse
33:03is blacker than a wall
33:05his horse
33:07is black
33:07is black
33:08like his cattle
33:08black hadder
33:10black hadder
33:11black hadder
33:12with many a cunning plan
33:16black hadder
33:18black hadder
33:19black hadder
33:20you horrid little man
33:23little man
33:25man
33:25a
33:29little man
33:32with my tongue
33:34it was amazing
33:36it was amazing
33:37when you were to love me
33:38you editoss
33:38you look
33:39what you would like
33:39i was very lucky
33:40to be große
33:41you
33:41i would love me
33:41i've augmented
33:42that's why you got one
33:43a experience
33:44in thisdade
Recommended
33:32
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