- hace 2 días
Blackadder and Melchett are kidnapped and held for ransom by the German mastermind Prince Ludwig the Indestructible. The Queen must then decide which of the men she will save.
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00:00BIRDS CHIRP
00:30get out get out lipidness swine and take that horse slut painted strumpet with you
00:40may you both rot in the filth of your own fornication and what did you say to him
00:45say madam I said nothing I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window
00:51you're so naughty well I try madam and then ten minutes later when I've got my breast back I try
01:00again perhaps there we can turn to more important matters of state I fear so ma'am it's a tragic
01:08case my old tutor Lord Forrest his son has been kidnapped and he begs you to help him pay the
01:13ransom what would you say well as you know madam I have had experience of this dreadful situation
01:20only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my uncle Osric well then
01:26you know something of the dreadful pain involved indeed I do then can suggest no better answer
01:32than the one I gave to her which was get stuffed look at he would jest over a young man's life a
01:39young man read young idiot look anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed Dago captain them
01:46in a corridor say excuse me meester and hit them over the head with a big stick
01:49deserves everything they get oh my lord you're in good fooling this morning I think you bought it
01:59I heard quite amusing story myself the other day oh good
02:03excuse me maister yes what is it I said what is it not hit me hard on the head
02:17I've completely changed my mind about that Forrest joke I mean he's obviously very stupid but we can't
02:26go around punishing people for that can we well certainly not man if we went around punishing people
02:31for being stupid Nancy would have been in prison all her life
02:35very piquant observation majesty so I will sign this ransom but it must be the last absolutely the last
02:43final full stop never again cross my heart and hope to die surely not hope to die majesty
02:54uh all right I'll cross that out um um here you are sorry about the smudge thank you ma'am
03:02excuse me maister yes
03:07god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god god
03:37Jokes, Blackadder, we've been kidnapped.
03:39Oh, God, how incredibly embarrassing.
03:45As private parts to the gods are we.
03:48They play with us for their sport.
03:53Oh, God, who's that?
03:54Ti preparo la interrogación y suplicio.
03:58Now, just wait a minute.
03:59If anyone's going to be spoken to around here, it's going to be me, all right?
04:02Tell them, Milti.
04:03Certainly.
04:04Parlo con lui, no me, Capo.
04:06Parlo con lui.
04:06Ah, bueno, el jefe.
04:09Ti preparo la interrogación y suplicio.
04:12Ah, that's better.
04:15Now, what's he saying?
04:18He says he would like a word with you.
04:20Uh-huh. Anything else?
04:22Yes.
04:22He says he would like to torture you as well.
04:26Right.
04:27Now, am I by any chance addressing a senior dignitary of the Spanish Inquisition?
04:31Ti gusta la mucha de la Inquisición.
04:34Good.
04:35Because if I am, I wish to make it quite clear that I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything.
04:44No habla, puerco.
04:46No speak-o-de-go.
04:51I demand to see the British ambassador, understand?
04:55Necesito silencio para comenzar.
04:58Oh, for God's sake.
04:59Look, how can you question me if you don't speak English?
05:04No.
05:05Yo pregunto las cuestiones.
05:08All right, let's start with the basics.
05:09English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from dialects...
05:17How's that?
05:21Percy?
05:21Yes?
05:22Who's Queen?
05:25Whoops!
05:26Butterfingers!
05:28Ah, so I win again.
05:30Yes, well done, Your Majesty.
05:32And there's definitely been no sign of Edmund.
05:35I fear not, Mum.
05:36Why, then, he's vanished.
05:39Simply vanished.
05:41Like an old oak table.
05:48Vanished, Lord Percy, not varnished.
05:50Forgive me, my lady, but my Uncle Bertram's old oak table completely vanished.
05:57It was on the night of the Great Stepney Fire,
06:00and on that same terrible night,
06:02his house and all his other things completely vanished, too.
06:06So did he, in fact.
06:08It was a most perplexing mystery.
06:12Look, Percy.
06:13Yes?
06:14It's up to you.
06:16Either you can shut up,
06:17or you can have your head cut off.
06:20Oh, shut up.
06:35Bastardo!
06:36Bastardo.
06:39Embarrassed.
06:41Bastardo!
06:43Embarrassing.
06:44You're embarrassing.
06:46I'm embarrassed.
06:47A rogering.
06:49Uh, pregnant.
06:52Baby.
06:53Baby.
06:55Bathwater.
06:57Sounds like...
06:58Bastard.
06:59Bastard.
07:02Lo exterminado.
07:04Hijo.
07:06Hijo.
07:08Donkey.
07:12Padre.
07:12Big bastard.
07:14Little bastard.
07:15Big bastard.
07:16Pardon.
07:17Boy.
07:18Mum.
07:18Father.
07:19Son.
07:19I'm a bastard's son.
07:21Deeper.
07:23Thirsty.
07:24Thirsty bastard.
07:26Thirsty barking bastard.
07:31Dog.
07:32Dog.
07:32Dog.
07:33Dog.
07:34Woman.
07:35Dog.
07:35Woman.
07:36Dog.
07:36Bitch.
07:37I'm a bastard son of a bitch.
07:39In that case, you are a fornicating baboon.
07:50What?
07:53You?
07:56You?
07:57You?
07:58You are fornicating.
08:01Yes, I can't really do it in this box.
08:05Tus testiculos.
08:07My, um...
08:09Ah, yes.
08:10Those, yes.
08:12Sobre un fuego grande.
08:14Over a large...
08:16Fuego, fuego.
08:17Oh, fire, fire.
08:19Ah, good.
08:19Right, so, let's recap.
08:21If I admit that I'm in love...
08:24No, no!
08:26Sorry, head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards,
08:32then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument...
08:38Una guadagna!
08:38Una guadagna!
08:39...resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't find that.
08:44Roast them over a large fire.
08:46Si, si.
08:47Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and all his little wizards,
08:54you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade...
09:00...and remove my testicles with a blunt instrument.
09:08Oh, I see.
09:09Oh, well, in that case, I love Satan.
09:12Oh, it's a sigh.
09:16Oh, I don't know. I've looked everywhere.
09:27Perhaps...
09:28they're not...
09:30hiding...
09:32at all.
09:35Perhaps they've been...
09:37kidnapped!
09:38Nonsense!
09:40As Edmund said,
09:41only real idiots get kidnapped.
09:44Do they?
09:44Oh!
09:46Stop!
09:48Ah!
09:49Ah!
09:52Forgive me, Herr Blackadder.
09:54I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
09:59Please accept my apologies.
10:05I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.
10:09I hope this scum has not inconvenienced you.
10:18It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my ghoulies to inconvenience me.
10:23Good.
10:24If he had inconvenienced you,
10:26I was going to offer you his tongue.
10:29Believe me, sir,
10:30if he had inconvenienced me,
10:32you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.
10:36Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder,
10:39if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer,
10:42you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me
10:44that if I had been the one who imprisons you,
10:47I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.
10:51Yes, well, enough of this banter.
10:53Who the hell are you, sausage breast?
10:59You do not remember me, then, Herr Blackadder?
11:01I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
11:03Oh, on the contrary.
11:04We have met many times.
11:06Although you knew me by another name.
11:09Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto
11:14with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game
11:18at the old pizzle in Dover?
11:20Come on!
11:21God!
11:21Yes, I was the waiters.
11:27I don't believe it, you big sally.
11:32Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?
11:35But I went to bed with you tonight.
11:40For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
11:45Yes, but I'm not. I must have been paralytic.
11:48Indeed you were, Mr. Floppy.
11:51Yes, all right, all right.
11:54Now, would you mind...
11:56Such a disappointment for a girl.
11:58Yes, all right, you might be a little joke.
12:00It really doesn't matter.
12:01We'll try again in a few minutes.
12:03Have a look through these naughty parchments.
12:06Oh, yes.
12:07We are proud of our comic-serving wench voice, aren't we?
12:10Just because we can say zur instead of sir.
12:13A sense that all social gatherings, the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.
12:18Be quiet!
12:18What else have you got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire, I wonder?
12:21Ah, a brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.
12:24A hilarious black man.
12:26See you, Jimmy.
12:27Where am dat warty melon?
12:29I can't wait for your side-splitting poof and that funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular.
12:37But it's such a scream.
12:39And most of all, I like the one you do all the time.
12:41The fatted-ed German chamber pot standing in front of me.
12:43You know, you talk too much, Black Adam.
12:49I think it's a case of wearable diarrhea that you're having.
12:53I should perhaps tell you that I have given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand.
12:59Unless she pays up, you die.
13:02Horribly.
13:03She will pay up.
13:04And then within a week, you die.
13:06Horribly, horribly.
13:09You find yourself amusing, Black Adam.
13:11I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
13:13You know, I think that in a week from now, you'll be less in the mood for being amusing.
13:18At least when I am in the mood, I can be amusing.
13:21Then choose your next criticism carefully here, Black Adam.
13:23It may be your last.
13:25Guards, fetch his friend.
13:27Ice fight, ice fight, ice fight, ice fight, ice fight, ice fight, ice fight, ice fight, ice fight!
13:36Don't melt it. We meet again.
13:38No, I don't think we've had the pleasure.
13:40You do not recognize me then.
13:43Let me refresh your memory.
13:46You remember when you were in Cornwall at the monastery, there was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk.
13:52Good Lord.
13:52Timkins?
13:53Yes.
13:54I was one of his sheep.
13:58Sheep?
13:59Not...
14:00Yes.
14:00Flossie?
14:01Yes.
14:02But didn't we...
14:02Yes, Lord Metz.
14:07But enough of such pleasant reminiscences, eh?
14:15The dad has found an interesting document in your clothing.
14:18Oh, I shouldn't pay much attention to that if I were you.
14:21The queen says that she will pay only one ransom, but it must be the last, absolutely the last, final, full stop, never again, cost my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.
14:33She has a difficult choice in front of her, has she not?
14:38Not really.
14:39Bad luck melts her still.
14:41Life overrated, I reckon.
14:43Yes, gentlemen.
14:44Well, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
14:48Evil plots don't just make themselves, you know.
14:50Dear Queen, I, evil Prince Ludwig the Indestructible, have your two friends, and you must choose between them.
15:08The ransom is one million kroner.
15:12Many, many apologis for the inconvenience.
15:18Oh, my goodness, what a difficult choice.
15:20But isn't the first difficult choice you've ever had to make my little tadpole?
15:23No, that's true.
15:24Now, in the old days, it was all difficult choices.
15:27Should you have nursery milk or moocow milk?
15:30Because it's always nursery milk.
15:32But then left breasty dumpling or right breasty dumpling?
15:36Because it was always both breasty dumplings.
15:39Ah, but then which one first?
15:40Well, shut up, nursery milk.
15:43Goodness.
15:45This is very confusing.
15:48Lord Percy.
15:50Play a while to calm my spirits.
15:53Certainly, Mum.
15:58Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man.
16:00Ah, ha, you're it.
16:01Ring-a, ring-a, Rosie.
16:03Oh, fall down.
16:04What say you, Blackadder?
16:08I sing a song to keep our spirits up.
16:11That all depends whether you want the slop bucket over your head or not.
16:14Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.
16:18It's all right.
16:20Make a sentence out of the following words.
16:22Face sodding, you're shut.
16:26For God's sake, man, we must do something to relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us.
16:36Awake to you, Melchie, not me.
16:38How's my beard looking?
16:39Oh, yeah.
16:41Lads, shall I never see England more?
16:44Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows.
16:48And her playful sheep.
16:53Ah, about time, too.
16:55Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.
16:58Well, thank God I'm sick of this place.
17:00The conditions are just disgraceful.
17:02It's like a prison in here.
17:03I shall read it to you.
17:06Ah, typical master criminal.
17:08Loves the sound of his own voice.
17:11After long and very careful deliberation,
17:13the Queen has decided to expense around some money.
17:16Um...
17:16A big party.
17:21Just impossible to decide between my two faves.
17:25So, I've decided to keep the cash,
17:29have a withy-jolly time,
17:31and try to forget both of you.
17:36Hope you're not too miffed.
17:39Bye!
17:41What?
17:44Hope you're not too miffed.
17:46Bye!
17:48As you can imagine, my friends,
17:50this makes me very unhappy.
17:52Oh, I am sorry.
17:54But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to,
17:57let us say, gain access to your Queen,
17:59I might just be able to commute your deaths
18:02to a life sentence.
18:04Are you suggesting we betray her?
18:09Oh, yes.
18:11All right.
18:13Yeah, yeah, what are you saying?
18:14What a loyalty, honour, self-respect.
18:17What of them?
18:19Nothing.
18:21So you will both play ball?
18:24Yep.
18:24Yep.
18:24Oh, what joy.
18:29See how you collapse before me,
18:31you great and incorruptible English knobs.
18:34So proud of your great big stiff upper lips.
18:37Looting is a sign of insecurity, Ludwig.
18:39Stop it.
18:40Now, do you want to know how to get to the Queen or not?
18:42Yes, I saw some kind of disguise.
18:45You know, I do a very good Mary,
18:47Queen of Scots.
18:47Oh, just one wears my heed.
18:55What sort of party should it be?
18:59Oh, fancy dress.
19:00I love fancy dress.
19:03Nothing?
19:04I think it should be one of those ones
19:08where everybody comes with nothing on at all.
19:11Shut up, then.
19:12I agree with you, acting Lord Chamberlain.
19:16Look.
19:16If we're really going to forget our woes,
19:19then we should have as much fun as possible.
19:21And what could be more fun
19:22than a party where people come dressed as
19:24frogs and rabbits and nuns?
19:27And bits of wood.
19:30You're not going to come as a bit of wood.
19:33Aren't I?
19:33No.
19:34Oh.
19:35Well, how about a pencil, then?
19:37Should I come as a pencil?
19:39Don't be silly, Nursey.
19:40You always talk like this
19:42and you always end up coming as the same thing.
19:45Don't I?
19:45Yes, you know.
19:46You do.
19:46Everybody.
19:48Lassie.
19:51What does Nursey always come to fancy dress parties dressed as?
19:55I thought everybody knew.
19:56Yes, everybody apparently, except Nursey.
19:59Tell her.
20:00She always comes as a cow.
20:03Yes, that's right.
20:04A lovely, lovely cow
20:06with great big lovely udders.
20:08Swing around going,
20:09Moo!
20:11Come to Nursey, cow,
20:13you lovely little heifers.
20:14Oh, yes, what fun.
20:16I want to be a cow again, please.
20:18Shut up.
20:20Isn't Nursey stupid?
20:22She certainly is, Mum.
20:26You see?
20:27We're having a good time already.
20:30We've completely forgotten
20:32about those chaps in prison,
20:34haven't we?
20:34What, chaps?
20:41What, chaps?
20:45Hands, fight!
20:47Hands, fight!
20:47My friends, I come to bid you farewell.
20:54These guards will eventually die of old age,
20:57but their sons will, I'm sure,
20:58go on attending to your needs.
21:00Thank you for your concern,
21:01but in fact, we intend to escape.
21:03With your information, gentlemen,
21:04I intend to bring down your queen and country.
21:07The master of disguise will become
21:09the master of the world.
21:11Yes, sir, one thing, Ludwig,
21:14just before you go.
21:15What?
21:16Were you ever bullied at school?
21:19What do you mean?
21:21Well, all this ranting and raving about power,
21:23there must be some reason for it.
21:26Nonsense.
21:26No, at my school,
21:28having dirty hair on spots
21:29was a sign of maturity.
21:31I thought so,
21:32and I bet your mother made you wear shorts
21:34right up to your final year.
21:36Shut up!
21:37Shut up!
21:39Well, I am king of England.
21:41No one will ever dare call me
21:42shorty, greasy, spot spot again.
21:47Touched a nerve there, I think.
21:50And what good is it going to do us
21:51if we're doomed to rot here until we die?
21:54No, don't worry.
21:54I've got a plan.
21:55Really?
21:56Yes.
21:56Now that Ludwig's gone,
21:57we should have no trouble overcoming the guards.
22:00Germans are sticklers for efficiency,
22:02and I've been watching their routine.
22:04I've selected the moment
22:05when they are at the most vulnerable.
22:07That is when we will attack.
22:08Brilliant.
22:09How?
22:10That is the most cunning bit.
22:14Eins, fight!
22:15Eins, fight!
22:16Eins, fight!
22:17Eins, fight!
22:18Eins, fight!
22:18Eins, fight!
22:18Right, now this is it.
22:20Don't forget,
22:21when they are at their most vulnerable.
22:23Eins, fight!
22:23Eins, fight!
22:24Halt!
22:25Jingles the keys!
22:28Open the door!
22:31Greetings to the prisoners!
22:33Guten Abend, Englander scum!
22:39March to the table!
22:41Eins, fight!
22:42Eins, fight!
22:43Eins, fight!
22:44Eins, fight!
22:45Eins, fight!
22:46Eins, fight!
22:46Eins, fight!
22:47Halt!
22:48Food on the table!
22:50Eins, fight!
22:52Spits on the food!
22:54Eins, fight!
22:56Insult in farewell gesture to the prisoners!
23:00Eins, fight!
23:01Eins, fight!
23:01Now!
23:02Ooh!
23:04Trust me to get the hard one.
23:06What?
23:15Yoo-hoo-hoo!
23:17Off with our heads!
23:20Mum, it is brilliant!
23:23Your father is born again!
23:25It's baldy well, hope not,
23:27or else I won't be queen anymore!
23:28Yours is pretty good, too.
23:33What is it?
23:34It's nothing, Mum.
23:36It's just a mere trifle I threw together.
23:39Doesn't look much like a trifle.
23:41It's more like a fruit salad to me.
23:46I see, Nessie's really excelled herself.
23:49Moo!
23:49Yes, she has.
23:54I'm not sure about this.
23:57What are you meant to be?
23:59A pencil case.
24:05Yes!
24:07Oh!
24:08It's just like parties I had when I was tiny.
24:11We had tea and cakes and venison
24:14and then a trip with a couple of little friends
24:17to the executions.
24:18How sweet.
24:19If I wanted any of my little friends executed, that is.
24:23Oh, how I do wish Edmund could be here.
24:27He always loved parties
24:29and always, always wore very, very tights, tights.
24:36Edmund who?
24:37Edmund Blackadder!
24:39Oh!
24:39Majesty?
24:40Oh, Edmund, but...
24:41Did you ever know me to miss a party?
24:43Oh!
24:45And what about Lord Melchard?
24:47Yes, unfortunately, Mum, he made it too.
24:50Rapture!
24:52Joy beyond measure!
24:53Bliss which cannot be counted on one's fingers!
24:56Sorry, Edmund.
25:06Nothing?
25:08Yes.
25:10Unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier,
25:13nothing much has changed around here.
25:16Your animal still isn't house-trained.
25:19Percy's still unemployed
25:20and Percy's one stick short of a bundle.
25:23Ooh!
25:24Bias!
25:24Thank you for reminding me.
25:26Ha!
25:27Ah!
25:28Nothing!
25:29You've killed nothing!
25:31That's horrid.
25:33Scots! Scots!
25:34Take him away and execute him!
25:36He's killed nothing!
25:37Can anyone help me with my others?
25:41Yes.
25:42Yes.
25:42Yes.
25:43And may I introduce our erstwhile captor,
25:47Prince Ludwig the Indestructible.
25:49Ah, Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.
25:54Oh, no, I don't think so, actually.
25:58Yes, you remember when you were young and...
26:01Your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony
26:05that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard.
26:08I...
26:09I was a tall and attractive German stable lad who held him.
26:16Yes.
26:16Yes.
26:17You?
26:17Uh-huh.
26:18Do you think we've seen Spotspot?
26:20No!
26:22No, no, no!
26:23You and all of you regret the day that you ever mocked my complexion.
26:28I shall return and freak my rewinge!
26:31Well, you will die and be buried.
26:36Ah!
26:37Hooray!
26:39Strange man.
26:42But how did you know it was him?
26:44This was the information with which we bought our lives.
26:48We told him that if the Queen was having a party,
26:50the nurse he always goes as a cow.
26:53For one moment, he was doomed.
26:55All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.
26:59But how could you be sure it was not Nessie?
27:02Because, lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise.
27:06Whereas Nessie is a sad, insane old woman with another fixation.
27:11All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow.
27:17That was the mistake I knew that Ludwig would make.
27:20His disguise was too good.
27:22Gosh, Edmund, how brilliant.
27:24Welcome home.
27:25Well, I must say, ma'am, it's good to be back.
27:27Welcome, Edmund.
27:29Did you miss me?
27:31I certainly did.
27:33Many was the time Percy I said to myself,
27:35I wish Percy was here.
27:36Oh!
27:38Being tortured instead of me.
27:41Girl, we have missed your wit.
27:44Do you miss me, my lord?
27:46Um.
27:48Oh, Rick, is it?
27:49That's right.
27:50No, not really.
27:54And me.
27:55Did you miss me, Edmund?
27:57Madam, life without you was like a broken pencil.
28:04Explain.
28:06Pointless.
28:07Beware all he who lusts for fame.
28:14The path of life is most uncertain.
28:17Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
28:20But now the crowd's run for a burden.
28:24Blackadder, Blackadder.
28:27He beats the Hun by luck.
28:30Blackadder, Blackadder, he's smarter than a duck.
28:37Blackadder, Blackadder, intelligent and deep.
28:44Blackadder, Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
28:51Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy.
29:11If I can just get the voice right.
29:14Blackadder, Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:15Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:16Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:17Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:18Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:19Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:20Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:21Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:22Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:23Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:24Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:25Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:26Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:27Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:28Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:29Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:30Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:31Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
29:32Blackadder, a shame about the sheep.
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