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00:00Music

00:04Music

00:08Music

00:14Music

00:20Music

00:26Music

00:28Music

00:32Music

00:38Music

00:40Music

00:42Music

00:44Music

00:46Music

00:50Music

00:54It's fascinating how the human mind matures.

00:56A mere year ago, I thought she looked about as sexy as Malcolm Muggeridge, but now I don't think that at all. I'm bloody certain.

01:04Anyway, I'm not making the first move. I'm not crawling. No spells, no.

01:10It can live without me for another 13 and a quarter months. Let him count the days, I won't.

01:14Or 409 of them.

01:17God, she's ugly.

01:19Ugly old Beryl.

01:21No, that's not fair.

01:23Ugly old stupid Beryl. Credit where it's due.

01:28I'm only looking at this because I'm interested.

01:31I've always been interested in breastband posters.

01:36If all girls were as ugly as Beryl, there'd be no population explosion. Put fellas off forever.

01:42Be a boon to the building industry. Monasteries shooting up like supermarkets.

01:48Still as debonair as ever I notice.

01:50Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.

01:54Bearing steady with a set of traffic lights.

01:57Still, who else would have him?

01:59And boring.

02:02That's it.

02:03Boring, ugly, and stupid.

02:08And ugly.

02:10Have I said that?

02:11A very ugly girl.

02:18Oh, God, I want a raper.

02:22It was a song I was singing.

02:27The words are not often heard on account of it being banned by the BBC.

02:33It's not surprising with words like that.

02:38I'm not singing it now.

02:40I'll whistle.

02:41You fancy him, don't you?

02:54Who?

02:55Geoffrey.

02:57Never.

02:58You do, Beryl.

03:00I do not.

03:01N-O spells no.

03:03Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:05Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:07Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:08Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:09Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:10Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:11Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:12Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:13Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:14Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:15Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:16Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:17Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:18Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.

03:19hello

03:45I didn't see you

03:48no, Normie

03:49long time

03:5213 months, 6 days, roughly

03:555

03:556, it was a Tuesday

03:56are you going that way?

03:59yeah, no, not specially

04:01you're going that

04:02yeah, well, well, I was sort of

04:06I was going to the pictures

04:07I was

04:08which?

04:10which were you?

04:11any

04:11I was

04:18you look fabulous

04:21you do

04:23super socks

04:25well, thanks for seeing me home, Geoffrey

04:53hey

04:54goodnight, Geoffrey

04:55aren't I coming in, Beryl?

04:58no, Geoffrey

04:59but, um

05:00I've seen you home, though, Beryl

05:03yes, I remember, Geoffrey

05:04it was me that mentioned it, Geoffrey

05:06that's why I said thank you, Geoffrey

05:07can I come in?

05:10no, spells no

05:11I hope I didn't bring you out of your way

05:12only in direction

05:13we catch a 43 bus on the Isle of Capri

05:17I live on the North Pole

05:19and you live in Zulu land

05:20it's not even as a junkie crow flies

05:23listen, Geoffrey

05:25I'm not a Zulu

05:26naturally, I can't speak for the other girls you take out

05:29and for the sake of total accuracy

05:31the 43 bus stop is not the Isle of Capri

05:33even with a Cocker Spaniel weeing all down

05:35can I come in?

05:40well, there's an old spell

05:42goodnight

05:44you do say funny things

05:47when?

05:49then

05:49I was being serious

05:51oh, there you go again

05:53honestly, your sense of humour

05:54seemed a bit like old times tonight

06:00in one way

06:01yeah

06:02not in the other

06:04pause

06:05nothing

06:07no, you spoke, Geoffrey

06:08you did, honest, with words

06:10no, not spoke

06:12sighed

06:13aww

06:15why were you sighing, Geoffrey?

06:18life

06:19409 days ago

06:22what might have been

06:25if you hadn't been so flaming passionate

06:28Geoffrey, swim jump

06:29making indecent suggestions

06:31interfering with me garments

06:32are you sure you're not confusing me with some other Zulu?

06:38409 days ago

06:39you used to invite me in for a bit

06:40would you care to repeat that?

06:46409 days ago

06:47you used to invite me in

06:49thank you

06:50not now

06:52nor in the future

06:53thank you

06:55I wouldn't mind interfering with your socks

07:00I'd interfere them right into the Manchester ship canal

07:04I see you've had the woodwork painted

07:13mustard

07:13nice

07:14we think it's revolting

07:16I see the Jacksons have got BBC2

07:26only the Ariel

07:26and it isn't the Jacksons now

07:32it's the Cowgirls

07:34Mr. and Mrs. Cowgirl

07:36married couple

07:38newlyweds

07:40not long married

07:41met each other six months ago

07:44and then got married

07:45and now they're married

07:48he must have asked her to marry him

07:51I suppose

07:52so they had this wedding

07:54and got married

07:55you still do it I notice

07:57what?

07:58pluck your sideboards

07:59every time the word marriage

08:00accidentally happens to slip out

08:02accidentally

08:03goodnight

08:05Geoffrey

08:06what?

08:08thanks for seeing me home

08:09look

08:11can I come in Beryl

08:12I know exactly what N-O spells

08:13I've mastered it

08:15oh Geoffrey

08:16oh Beryl

08:17okay

08:18oh good evening Mrs. Battersby

08:22how nice to see you so suddenly

08:24sardine sandwiches

08:25always were your favourite

08:26weren't they?

08:27eh?

08:28on the table

08:29how did you know

08:30I was going to come back?

08:31no warn me this morning

08:32how did you know

08:36oh for God's sake

08:37go in

08:37she's been cutting

08:45sardine sandwiches

08:46for 409 days

08:47she's absolutely nice

08:49has she got her own trawler?

08:52sit down Geoffrey

08:54you're not among strangers

08:56what an interesting shade of shoe

08:58and how's your father?

09:01still spits a lot does he?

09:06talk to her

09:08I can't speak Portuguese

09:09I can't hold long conversations about

09:27the bread's extremely wholesome

09:29probably the bleach

09:31yes

09:34I can't hold long conversations about sardine sandwiches

09:40my mind goes blank

09:41I start thinking about life after death

09:44talk about something else then

09:46the room's looking very colourful Mrs. Battersby

09:55needs decorating

09:56oh

09:57I see you've had the outside done

10:06mustard

10:07revolting isn't it?

10:08I really like it

10:13yes

10:14yes indeed

10:15me too

10:16nice

10:17oh

10:21I'll do that mum

10:22oh into your wrist

10:23what wrist?

10:25sprained wrists

10:26can be very painful

10:27I haven't sprained it

10:28you could do

10:30doing that

10:31oh yes

10:32right

10:32would you excuse me

10:35Geoffrey

10:35if I leave you for a moment

10:36oh

10:37must you

10:38Mrs. Battersby

10:39why we've

10:39we've hardly had time

10:40for a chat

10:41um

10:42oh

10:43what lovely plates for example

10:45nice design

10:46plain brown

10:48no I have to go up love

10:51I want to er

10:52I want to polish

10:53Beryl's nails

10:54her nails all seem to be down here

11:01Mrs. Battersby

11:01me false ones

11:06yes

11:07the church

11:09I'll say goodnight then

11:12oh

11:12what a shame

11:14now not too late

11:15Babble

11:15you know how sickly

11:16you look in the morning

11:17her eyes go like

11:19thin slits

11:19all pink

11:20yeah right mum

11:21and late night

11:22it's been late for work

11:23Geoffrey

11:23and you have your career

11:24to think of

11:25we're on strike

11:26well let's pick it duty

11:30I was going to say

11:31something before

11:32what was it

11:32goodnight I think

11:34oh yes

11:34goodnight then Geoffrey

11:35goodnight Mrs. Battersby

11:37night God bless

11:38and don't leave it

11:41another year

11:41before we see you young man

11:43she's getting lovelier

11:44every day

11:44our beddle

11:45especially now

11:47she's got her new

11:47airpiece and iron tablets

11:49all the boys are after her

11:52there's plenty more fish

11:54in the sea Geoffrey

11:55thousands

11:56and about three

11:59very lonely sardines

12:00I've put my light out

12:15I've put it on again

12:29oh what have you been eating

12:36not daft your mother

12:39hello Geoffrey Bobble's bonbon

12:45hello Beryl

12:47we're us again aren't we

12:49together again

12:51yes Beryl

12:52must have been fate I expect

12:55interposing

12:56yeah funny

12:58right out of the blue

12:59just like that

13:00bumping into each other

13:01hang on

13:06how could you warn

13:09your mother this morning

13:10that I'd be here tonight

13:11fate didn't interpose

13:12till this afternoon

13:13I didn't warn her

13:27I said in case

13:27in case I accidentally

13:29happen to bump into you

13:30girls' mothers always

13:32accidentally make sardines

13:33sandwiches Geoffrey

13:34nobody's out to trap you

13:37honest

13:39honest

13:40you've got to trust me

13:42I do

13:43I do

13:46I think I must

13:49probably do

13:50thank you

14:08Oh, Beryl.

14:21Oh, Jeffy, Bobble's bon-bon.

14:23Oh, Beryl.

14:24Oh, Jeff, Jeff.

14:25Oh, Beryl!

14:27What was that squashing? Don't tell me!

14:30No, not squashing.

14:32Splintering.

14:33Pardon?

14:34Your elbows were splintering me ribs.

14:38Is that it?

14:44Would you like one with the sardine scrapes off?

14:47Beryl, we live in a permissive society.

14:49Not on the street, we don't.

14:51Everybody's at it.

14:52Not with me, they're not.

14:54All girls are supposed to be crying out for it.

14:57Not this one, Jeffrey. I'm the silent majority.

15:00It's only manners, Beryl.

15:02Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.

15:05I want to talk to you.

15:09My ma'am.

15:11Has she taken up Morris dancing?

15:13Which remind me to be a good girl.

15:15She's not going to need the Red Army Ensemble then, is she?

15:19Jeffrey, sex isn't the only thing in life.

15:21It isn't even one of the things in mine.

15:23The last time we went steady, you said, and I quote,

15:28The Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble, but our love is here to stay.

15:35I was miming to Frank Sinatra on the reprise label.

15:38It stayed 11 and a half weeks.

15:40It wasn't my fault.

15:41Both our faults.

15:43We had conflicting ambitions in life.

15:46A ring on my finger.

15:47A ring on my finger.

15:48All you ever talked about were rings on fingers.

15:51If a mate of mine asked me to give him a ring, I'd say,

15:53Right, what's your finger?

15:55What about you, Percy Phil?

15:57Jeffrey, please scringe your thank you.

15:58What was Percy Phil's ambition in life?

16:00To send my knickers to Oxfam?

16:02Do you want to go out with me again, Jeffrey?

16:15Yes, Beryl.

16:17Why, Jeffrey?

16:20Well, being totally honest.

16:22Brutally.

16:25Because I have a very high regard for you as a person.

16:27For your upright character and pleasing personality.

16:33And that's honestly all?

16:37Well, I, um, I do, unfortunately, sometimes happen to have a slight temporary urge to Percy

16:44Filth.

16:46But it's only very slight and very temporary.

16:48Jeffrey, you're going to cut yourself.

16:50Pardon?

16:50Your nails.

16:52Gouging into your flesh.

16:55Oh.

16:56Oh.

16:57Yes, thanks.

16:58I was, um, I was gouging for a minute.

17:02Now I'll be honest with you.

17:04To be brutally honest, Jeffrey, I'm honestly not looking for a husband.

17:07Honestly.

17:08I want us to go out because of your sense of humour and interesting mind.

17:14Whose?

17:15Yours.

17:19Pleasure.

17:20You, um, you don't care about marriage?

17:25Not at all.

17:27You don't care about Percy Filth?

17:31Not in the slightest.

17:34Right?

17:36Right.

17:37Oh.

17:38Oh.

17:39Oh.

17:40Oh.

17:42What?

17:44What about Paul McCartney?

17:46What about Paul McCartney?

17:48Why do you have a picture of Paul McCartney on your bedside table?

17:52Is it because of his sense of humour and interesting mind, or did he win the Percy Filth Championship

17:57of Europe?

17:59Why do you have one of Bridget Bardo?

18:01I haven't.

18:02No.

18:03I haven't.

18:03I burnt it.

18:03I burnt Paul.

18:06Did you?

18:08Honest.

18:09Right.

18:10Now what?

18:15Has she fallen out of bed again?

18:18You know she's on the wrong side of 90, don't you?

18:21Your mother?

18:22Bridget Bardo.

18:24Reliable sources in Saint-Tropez reckon she's pushing 97.

18:29Well, she don't look it.

18:30Not in my photo.

18:31Well, you've had it since you were 11.

18:33Went straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardo overnight.

18:37Anyway, I've torn it up now.

18:41Burnt it, you said.

18:45Yeah.

18:46Burnt it.

18:48Like you did with Paul McCartney.

18:51Oh, yes.

18:53Beryl?

18:58Yes, Geoffrey?

18:59Would you care to rip my trousers off and have your way with me?

19:06Honestly, your sense of humour and interesting mind.

19:13Beryl, I could eat you.

19:15Even in oil.

19:17Oh, Geoffy Bubbles, Bonbon.

19:18Oh, Beryl.

19:19Oh, Geoffrey.

19:20Oh, Beryl.

19:20Geoff!

19:22I thought you loved me.

19:23Well?

19:24Well, that wasn't love.

19:25It wasn't flipping friendship.

19:26I do hate tights.

19:35Yeah!

19:35Casting crimson shoes round the room.

19:43You could have caused serious damage.

19:45It's all right.

19:46It's always hanging off anyway.

19:48To the room.

19:49To the room.

19:49I'm fed up

19:54Drown yourself

19:55Thank you

19:55In bromide

19:56I was only caressing the hook of your bra

20:00You were starting

20:02The only girl I know with a reinforced concrete bra

20:07I'm fed up

20:11Drown yourself

20:12Thank you

20:13In Spanish fly

20:14And what kind of bras do your other girlfriends have then?

20:18Paper tissue

20:19Do you have a paper tissue, please?

20:43England should never have lost to West Germany

20:45In the World Cup

20:48Geoffrey, that was six months ago

20:51We were leading 2-0 with 20 minutes to go

21:02Geoffrey, they're lost

21:04There's nothing you can do about it

21:06Forget it

21:06I have

21:08I never even think about it

21:11Geoffhurst nearly made it 3-0

21:15Don't cry, Beryl

21:21I don't know what to do when you cry

21:24My sideboard's hurt

21:26May I blow my nose, please?

21:31It would make me very happy

21:33As a friend

21:35Geoffrey, we've got to come to an understanding

21:41All your mascara's run

21:43We've got to give and take its eyeliner

21:46Is it true it's made from camel's bladder?

21:50Geoffrey, I hereby promise never to utter the word marriage again

21:53Well, until I get married

21:56If I ever do

21:58Get married

21:59Which I never will, thank goodness

22:02Get married

22:03To my partner in marriage

22:06Sharing the joys of married life

22:09Bringing up the children of the marriage

22:12In the married sanctity of happily married marriage

22:15For someone who's not uttering something

22:17When's your LP coming out?

22:20Geoffrey, I'm very happy to tell you

22:23You're the last person on earth I'd ever marry

22:25Beryl

22:29That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me

22:33And that's my side of the bargain

22:37Hmm

22:40I, erm

22:41I bet there's probably another side

22:44Yeah

22:44Yes

22:45Mine

22:48Yours

22:49Yes

22:49No more Percy Philz

22:53No

22:54No

22:54Great

22:55Geoffrey

22:57If you hereby promise to stop grabbing all my moving parts

23:01I'll hereby promise to stop accidentally breaking my heel

23:05Every time we accidentally pass a jeweller's window

23:07Alright

23:07Look

23:10I only don't want you to

23:12Because I want you to

23:14Pardon?

23:15Percy Philz

23:16For that matter

23:18You only want to

23:19Because you don't want to

23:21I thought that I did

23:25And you didn't

23:26Oh that's because you're a man you see

23:28You're so illogical

23:29You may stroke my shoulder blade in sympathy

23:34No spells no

23:38I don't fancy you a bit

23:43You could swing naked from Mr and Mrs Cowgirl's BBC too Ariel

23:47And I wouldn't so much as pluck her hair

23:50That's nice

23:53Good night then

23:55Good night love

23:56Give me a ring tomorrow

23:57A telephone ring I mean

23:59On the telephone

23:59And don't cry anymore

24:02Your eyes will go all piggy and puffy

24:04No

24:05That's when I'm tired

24:06They're merely moist and limpid when I'm heartbroken

24:10Well

24:12Thanks for a terrific evening

24:14It was super wasn't it

24:17Wild

24:18I'm glad he doesn't fancy me

24:21Very glad

24:23It's very gladdening that's why I'm glad

24:26I don't want anyone to fancy me

24:29I don't want anyone to fancy me

24:29Except you Paul

24:38Night night

24:41Percy filth

24:43I'm glad she doesn't want to marry me

24:53It just so happens I don't want to marry her

24:56Just so happens I don't want to marry anybody

25:02Miss Bardot

25:13Marry me

25:16You know what they say

25:19Once you've had a Manchester lad you never touch anything else

25:26virget a new year

25:29Joncat

25:38Kelly

25:51But

25:51I don't know what they're doing

25:51You know what I gathered here

25:53I don't know

25:53I don't know what they're doing

25:55I don't know what they're doing

Lovers, The - 101 [couchtripper][U]

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